Do I have to spank?

Renee - posted on 07/10/2012

i thinking makes the parent feel better when they are frustrated. they feel powered. i dont like the idea of spanking as well as lots if ppl on here.

Lisa - posted on 07/09/2012

Seems to work short term then.
I think when you been spanked it is easier to spank. I don't think I can because it feels alien.
But if I for example are in a hurry and force the clothes on my toddler so that he gets angry and screams I feel bad about it.
We do parent the way we were parented I think.

Kristin - posted on 07/08/2012

before i became a mother, i always told myself i would never spank my child. my high school major was child care and there i learned other ways to discipline children without spanking. my siblings and i were spanked as children and since i learned other ways to deal, i was convinced i wouldn't.
fast forward 10 years and i had a son. when he started to do things that would cause him harm, i stuck to my guns and didn't spank and reaffirmed '"NO"". that worked for a little bit. then when he started to do things that he knew he shouldn't do because i said no to them for so long, ""NO"" didn't work anymore. i still stuck to my guns and didn't spank. but after so long of me trying to convince myself that spanking was not the way to go and him repeatedly doing wrong when he knows he isn't suppose to do something, i smacked him on the butt. that got his attention! he would no longer do what he wasn't suppose to do.
now, i got a two year old who is full of energy and just will not listen because he is a two year old little boy.
this is how i do it:
he hits his brother.
I tell him firmly "NO". he stops.
about 2 minutes later, he hits his brother again and laughs.
i tell him "you"re on time out," pick him up and put him in the corner for a minute or two. he screams the entire time. i then tell him, on my knees so i'm at his level, "you don't hit nick. you gave him a boo boo. go tell him sorry."
he then goes to his brother and says sorry then gives a hug and kiss.
about 5 minutes later, he hits his brother again.
I spank him and say no firmly and tell him not to hit his brother and put him on time out again.
after the spank, he stops hitting his brother.

Melissa - posted on 07/06/2012

I personally would never spank my child and if what you're doing is working why change it. There are lots of things that we as a society used to do that we have learned are not such a good idea and I think spanking is one of those things as a society we are evolving past but that is just my opinon. I do not pretend to know how other people should parent their children.

Sherri - posted on 07/06/2012

I think that is a decision only you can make and it doesn't sound like you are having any problems. I use spanking as a final resort or in a situation like warrants it for example when my 4 year old bit my 1 year old as hard as she could on his arm. He had a black bruise and had her bite imprint for weeks. I wish my 2 year old responded to no. He just laughs at me. Lol. Time outs and naughty chair is what we have been trying. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job if he listens to no. :)

Cassie - posted on 07/05/2012

If your child listens without the need to spank then you have no need. Also parents should discipline the way that is most comfortable for them but don't allow your child to get out of control either. Like previously stated you seem to be doing fine & It's nice that you are brave enough to ask the question. Also congrats on sticking to what feels right for your family. :-) I personally am pro spanking but it's most likely not for everyone lol. :-)

Lisa - posted on 07/03/2012

Hello Melissa,
Just want to recommend a great book called "discipline without distress" by Judy Arnall. A Canadian author. I think it is really, really good. And the overall philosophy of childcare is very healthy. It is worth looking into. You can get it on amazon. I found it helped me to get assurance for my non-spanking policy when my mother in-law argued with me about it. To me spanking children was a shocking idea but her ideas were so different and alien from mine that I needed some support from books. And this one is excellent.

Candace - posted on 07/03/2012

I don't think you have to spank your child if they listen to you fine when you tell them no. My 2 year old doesn't listen to me for anything! I still can't bring myself to spank him, unless he really needs it. I know he knows what no means.. he tells his 10 month old brother no all the time when he sees him doing something he not supposed to. Yesterday, my 2 year old took off running.. almost into the street after I was chasing him screaming NO!!!! STOP!!! When I got him.. I spanked him really hard, and felt really bad about it afterwards. I just bought a book 123 Magic that I am going to start tonight. It is supposed to help you discipline without spanking.. so in my opinion.. no, you don't need to hit your kid.

Julieanne - posted on 06/30/2012

well i use time out however that dosent all ways work , and i spank as a last resort. just a spack on the hand. and theres nothing wrong with that. i was spank as a child and i turned out fine. :)

Mignon - posted on 06/29/2012

Hi Melissa, I am new to Circle of Moms. You asked the question: "do I have to spank?"
My answer would be yes, but only as a last resort. And then there are a few things you have to take into account. One is: your child's emotional state at the time of the offence (disobedience): sometimes when he is tired or sick or just not feeling well, obedience will not come easily. Then spanking is not going to help a little bit. Secondly, did the child fully comprehend what he did wrong. I take a lot of time to calmly explain to my children what's right and what's not. I try my best to not resort to screaming and yelling, and try to teach my children to listen to my normal tone of voice. I give one warning, then time out or I remove the reason. (ie when two children argue about something, I take the something away...) Whatever you do, be consistently consistent.
To answer your question, when I do "spank" (I hate that word) I only do it if there is deliberate disobedience, and then I make it meaningful; not on the bottom because it causes spinal injury, but on a bare upper leg. Sorry Mommies.
I hardly ever need to "spank"... because they hate it! Me too! But I love them too much to not discipline them.
PS discipline before you lose control (while you are still calm and full of love and patience), never "spank" when you are angry or upset and out of control!
Love
Mignon

Dehra - posted on 06/22/2012

I belive if he listens the first time around then ok fine no need to spank. but if you find yourself sounding like a broken record then giving him a good pop on his bottom is not gonna hurt. I have the same issues with my kids.my older daughter who is 14 now was a perfect angle I NEVER had to pop her for anything and she is still the same way (an all around good kid) now my 3yr old and twin 2yr old daughters are 3 little tornados but I dont let it get that far I have to give them a good pop just to make them understand mommies the boss and you WILL listen to me. but all in all your the parent not your family members and you do what you think is best for your kid. Good Luck!

Lisa - posted on 06/22/2012

Heather,

If you don't believe me in what I am saying about the "Don't" word. Why don't you just try to say to an adult. "Don't look" and see what the first instinct is. The other person will want to look. Either they look or they stop themselves in the action because their self -discipline will stop them. But the first thought will be to look. Babies hasn't learned that self discipline of "don't" yet so they simple would look. It takes many years to develop self discipline and you can't smack it into little babies at the age of 1.

Lisa - posted on 06/22/2012

Heather,
Do you know that a 1 year old can maybe understand the word no but not why.
Also they can't understand for example "Don't touch that glass" because it is a negative word of action before a positive word of action. For example "touch the glass" Is a positive action. They haven't even got their head around that at that age. So in the beginning "Don't touch that glass" will sound to them as "touch the glass". And then you smack them? At around 18 months is when they start to understand that they are separate people from their mum (their own person) and that is when they understand they have their own will and their own needs so they will of course explore it. This is part of normal development. If you are smacking them all this time somehow it will inflict on their natural way of exploring and understanding their world around them. At the age of 3 is when most children start to understand the concept of sharing. Not before then. My 19 months knows that I want him to share his toys sometimes but he still doesn't understand why. They are still eccentric and only understand what they want and what they need and that is normal. They will learn eventually. They don't need to be punished for acting in a normal toddler way. If you encouraging them when they behave well that is good enough. Also it is not only about behaving. They need to develop their brain, speech and motor skills by exploring, tasting, touching and playing. If you play with them instead of only see their faults that needs to be punished I am sure they will be empathic, positive, loving individuals and also much more intelligent.

Lisa - posted on 06/22/2012

We go to a playgroup and there is only on kid that doesn't listen and tries to hit my son all the time. His mother says no all the time to him and seems quite strict. also my friend lives next door to some people who shout to their children and she saw the mum spank the child once. These kids are serious disturbed and they go for my friends son and tries to hit him so it has gone to the point where they can't play anymore because she doesn't want her son to get mauled by these kids. Even though she feels sorry for them she can't do so much as in England you are still allowed to smack little children as long no bruises are seen. She has tried to ask the mother not to shout to her children as her son gets scared every time. My friends little boy is the sweetest little one and he is so nice to my son who is younger. He is a sensitive soul who is very much into music and dancing and his speech is very developed.

Heather - posted on 06/21/2012

I come from a huge line of people in my family that was spanked as a kid. I grew up just fine and no I don't hate my parents. I also trust people and no I don't beat my kid or abuse kittens...lol. Sorry to pop the anti-spanking bubbles everywhere but I have several dozens of people who can say the same thing in regards to this. Everyone in my family was spanked as a child, all of them grew up to be well rounded adults with great careers and university graduates. We all still talk every holiday get together and every birthday, it's a huge celebration. We use any excuse to get the family together for mountains of food and that includes baby showers...lol. We all stick together and we've got the "you can't get rid of me because we are family and I love you" mentality. Nobody is left behind and nobody is ever at home sick without five people bringing over vicks and soup. :)

The reason there's such a huge debate on spanking kids now is that we (as parents) have become so sensitive to the world and we overcompensate by letting the kids run rampid.

Heres a fact nobody can deny: KIDS. DON'T. LISTEN. Anyone who has spent more than .005 milliseconds with a kid from 1yr+ can vouch for this. No child is exempt from the "I'm ignoring you card" or the "How far can I push mommy and daddy before they come stop me from doing a, b, c?

Spanking isn't meant to be abusive. I, like most people I know who do it, will give two chances where the words "no, don't _____" is used. The third time, I tell my son to stop or he will get a spanking and sit in time out. Spanking (for me) means one swat on the behind and not EVER harder than when you pat someone on the back at a sports game. I would rather have him safe and sound rather than let him run wild and end up dead.

It's up to you, but in my opinion I feel that people are just soft on their kids these past few years. I see dozens of kids in my neighborhood that have no discipline and they got some SERIOUS mouths on them and they are running around in the street! No respect or sense of safety whatsoever. Discipline (when used correctly), creates a stable environment for children and helps them see the difference between right and wrong. Anti-spankers will tell you not to spank because they research it all online and spit it back out at people. If someone says no spanking because they were traumatized by it as kids, I can promise it was from a belt, paddle, or being physically abused. That is NOT the same thing though and should not be regarded to as such. People only get the extremes from stories online, stories that aren't always true, so they should be taken with a grain of salt before making big decisions.

Jenny - posted on 06/20/2012

There is no gaurantee that if you spank your child he will not be out of control throughout his teenage years. If only it were that simple! But of course it's not. Kids will be kids and sometimes they will act out, dispite our best efforts.

Lisa - posted on 06/18/2012

You should never spank a child. By doing that you show him that it is OK to hit someone smaller than yourself. Well done for not spanking! I don't believe in time-outs either.We are raising a generation of naughty steps children who will be terrified to be alone. Or thinking taking a time-out for yourself is a punishment.

Alisha - posted on 09/07/2011

spanking is very contravention these days i spank only when i feel it is necessary like if she gets a bit rough with the dogs i give her a small swat on the but ( a little firmer then a tap nothing over that) but again you are mom not them i tell my 2 yr old daughter no or put her in timeout for mostly little things like if she tells me no when i ask her to do something small like for her to put her toys away or other small things. if you feel that spankings not your thing then don't do it as long as you are enforcing your rules and you feel your son is doing well and not going to break the law when he gets older then you are doing fine. again very conversational some states things are a form of abuse.

Schmoopy - posted on 07/31/2011

Good for you for listening to your instincts! Spanking does have an immediate impact - at first. But over time, children become desensitized to it, and it becomes ineffective. What you're doing is absolutely the best way to discipline your child.

Spanking teaches your child to be afraid of YOU. Discipline teaching him to self-regulate. The idea is to show him how to figure out what is safe or unsafe, right or wrong. This is a time-consuming process and take a long time to instill.

Kristi - posted on 07/21/2011

I have 3 children and 1 on the way. Ages 6,5, and 2 and I have never spanked. I am always told that my children are so well behaved, which they really are. All I do is timeouts and talk to them and tell them what they did wrong, make them apologize for having done it and if it was hurting a sibling or other child giving a hug. Then I always hug them and reassure them that I love them and just want them to be good. So far it has worked wonders, but kids will be kids and do still have the odd meltdown, so then you let it happen and then talk about it. This has worked for me this far, but I use to have friends tell me not to be afraid to spank them if they deserve it, I have just never had to get to that point and if I did I don't know if I could do it anyway.
Keep doing what you are doing, try your own methods for disicpline, and you will find your own ways of doing things.
Good Luck

Lucy - posted on 07/14/2011

I don't see why you should need to spank him if he listens when you speak. That's wonderful that he is naturally so obedient - enjoy it, and don't worry that you might be doing anything wrong! I do believe spanking has its place, but certainly not if he's already obeying you. Enjoy your lovely little boy :)

Line - posted on 07/10/2011

i beleive that if you child listens to you with a simple no, then no it shall be. i don't beleive you should spank your chils, we tell them almost everyday not to hit people, then we go and it them. then why can't they. i think no, consequences, naughty stool and other non violent disciplinary techniques are the best form. then again just my opinion. good luck