How do I discipline my 3-yr old for her bad behavior?

Dawn - posted on 07/17/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My daughter is and has been pushing the limits since she turned 18 months old. Every time I think it's as bad as it can get, it gets worse. And every time I find a discipline technique that works, she finds a new way to be naughty.

Example: She asks me if she can play with her puzzles. I say, yes, as lomg as you put them away when you're done. She says okay. She plays. She asks me to help her. I do. When we'redone, she gets up and says now let's play something else. I remind her she needs to clean up one thing before she pulls out another. She says, "I don't want to!" i give her the mom eyes. She stomps her feet. I Remind her that she said she would when we began playing. She keeps stomping and saying no. I count to three. She says, "No, don't say 3," and starts freaking out. I take her to time out. She screams bloody murder. I take her to her room and tell her she can come out when she stops screaming. She stomps some more, screams some more, calls "Mommy" repeatedly. I don't give in. Sometimes it takes two minutes, but other times it takes 15 for her to stop. Sometimes she gets completely out of control where she can't stop sobbing and I hold her and try to soothe her until she calms down.

I could go on and on. If it's not picking up toys, it's "I don't want to go to school," "I don't want to take a bath," "I don't want to eat dinner," "Read me three books, not two," "Read me this book, not that," and on and on.

I've gone over this several times with her pediatrician. He's known her since she was born. He said she's trying to manipulate me and I have to be consistent and let her know who's boss. I feel I have done that. He told me it could take weeks (I last spoke to him on her birthday), but it's been two months now that I feel I've been very consistent. Sometimes it works and she stops at the mommy eyes. Other times, I have to count to three before she stops. Once in a while it's the two minute tantrum. But the days when it's the 15 minute tantrum and I hold her to calm her down are the days that really worry me. The past two days have been like that.

Does anyone else have a similar problem? I only have one friend whose son's Disposition and behavior is similar and she just gives in. My daughter is very intelligent. Her cognitive development is advanced beyond her physical development, so I believe sometimes she's just so frustrated that there are some things she can't do and that's why she throws these fits.

To be completely honest, she throws these fits when she can't get her shoes on, when her sticker loses its stickiness, when she gets the tiniest pinprick of a boo-boo, when I make her wash her hands... I just don't know if this is normal or if I need to seek out a child psychologist. What are your thoughts/experiences?

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5 Comments

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Ashley - posted on 08/24/2012

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Wow I hope you can read my post ;) auto correct

Ashley - posted on 08/23/2012

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I tried every thing as well and my son just turned 4 . What I found out works best is take 1 to 2 of their most favorite thingss and explain to. Them when you see them behaiving for a good bit then they may have them back. My son hes done it all from screaming. Tying g uncontrollably kicking g the floor slaking doors having a sassy mouth you name it loo hes done it but that technique. Seems to be working so far. Bc I have done the corner spankings send him to his room n this new idea has worked best. Best of luck and God bless!

Jenny - posted on 07/19/2012

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My kids have these fits too every now and then. Its totally normal.
I try to deal with them as respectfully as possible, stay cool. Its important for them to see that you can handle their behaviour, that nothing they can do scares you. You are incontrol. Because, they are not, they don't have the cognitive development to be able to control their impulses. As soon as you loose your cool, you could be sending them the message that they are crazy and obviously, their emotion is so out of control that not even mum knows what to do about it.

I'm not a big fan of time outs, and espeically don't like to use them to GET my kids to do something. Do you get me? Like, in this example, you are trying to GET her to put her puzzels away. I prefer to use time out to STOP/Prevent behaviour, effectively removing them from the situation if they cannot control themselves.

So it all seemed to be going ok, up until the point you started counting, and then your daughter's focus was no longer about putting her puzzels away, but about getting punished by time out if you get to three. It just seemed to go off on a tangent from there. Can you see what I mean?

Anyway, what I suggest you could do in a situation like that, (all depends on her level of understanding) give her a choice which puts her in a position to either choose to put away the puzzel herself or have you put it away for her, in which case it goes off into mummy's room and no more puzzel play for the rest of the week. Personally, when they are really young, they don't get the concept of how long a week is and how that is negative etc.. so I simply tell them, either they pack it away, or I pack it away, straight into the bin! They seem to understand that one! And I've never had to put anything in the bin.

Anyway, that's just an idea. I think you get the gist :)

Tracy - posted on 07/18/2012

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I'm trying a bit of an opposite tactic with my son. He doesn't have the 15-minute tantrums like you describe, but he does have a hard time dealing with his frustration and anger, and gets particularly frustrated with his younger brother. What I do is when I see him starting to get upset, I go to him and acknowledge how he's feeling - I think kids need to know that it's okay to have those feelings, and that they need help to learn how to deal with them - and I ask if he needs a hug to help him feel better.

Usually a hug will calm him down and he can then explain why he's upset. "I don't want to clean up" or "I don't want Isaac to play with my toys". Then we can talk about it a little bit and I'm able to explain calmly the 'why' of what he needs to do. This usually keeps him from a full-out tantrum, but we can still emphasize that it's OKAY to get angry or frustrated.

I still do time-outs in his room, but I usually reserve those for when he hits/pushes/kicks his brother or when he's being super defiant. (I find there's a big difference between the 'I'm mad and frustrated and I don't want to do that!" and the "What are you going to do about it?" kind of defiance, if that makes any sense.)

Anyway, I hope you are able to find a strategy that works with your little one. Big emotions are hard to deal with, and it takes some time for them to learn. I'm sure you are doing a great job, and with time she'll be able to express herself and control herself a little better.

Michelle - posted on 07/17/2012

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The fifteen minute tantrum is where you are losing control as much as you want to the consoling and hugs are meant for after the time out, leave her in her room to cry you told her she can come out when she is done so let her have her tantrum when she realizes you are not coming in then she will stop and come out but she knows if she keeps going you are going to come in and give her the much wanted attention. Stay firm I know its hard but she will come around if you stop giving in on the big tantrums it is a power struggle and you giving in even once puts you back at square one.