Mean people who compare..

Melissa - posted on 04/25/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

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My son is a HAPPY 11month old. He's super mellow, easily entertained, and ALWAYS smiling at everyone. He is also meeting his milestones in a timely manner. My concerns is that he has a 2nd cousin who was born 2 weeks after him, and his parents (my BF's aunt and uncle) are CONSTANTLY comparing the two boys and making a competition out of it! It really hurts my feelings and makes me second guess my parenting -- I even question my son's developement because of it sometimes. Their son started walking at 8 months, and my son is just starting to take his first steps. Their recent rude/comparing remarks is, "I bet our son will be potty trained before your son even walks!" They said this because they claim that their daughter (who is currently 16 years) was potty trained at 13 months.

Why are people so cruel when it comes to children? Especially children who are part of their own family? I predicted things like this would happen while I was pregnant because I know how my BF's relatives are (cocky, etc.).

Anybody have any advice as to how to cope with a situation like this?

These people honestly yearn for people's attention and envy. When my BF and I threw a party to announce our pregnancy, they even had the nerve of trying to steal our 'thunder' and announced theirs.

Maybe this is all in my head.. I don't know. I'd love anyone's advice :)

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Melissa - posted on 05/19/2010

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I have a friend who does the same thing. At first I was offended, but then I realized she is comparing apples to oranges. It isn't fair, and I'm not going to participate. I just say, "Oh that's wonderful" when she tells me what her child is up to. I remember a lot of the milestones she speaks of, and I don't remember them happening exactly as she says, but oh well. However, if anything is ever said in front of my child about him being "behind" (which he isn't! her child is 3 months older and she is a girl!!!), I will say something because even if my child were behind he is 110% perfect to me and I won't have anyone saying anything different to him! :) Good luck!

Shalon - posted on 05/12/2010

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Just let them know how you feel about it, if they care they will understad and hopefully change. But don't second guess yourself, every childs development is different. They wouldn't be unique if they were all the same.

Lacye - posted on 05/10/2010

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i'm in the same situation. i have a niece that had a daughter 4 months after i had my baby girl. she is constantly comparing the two girls. i finally told her one day to stop and leave my child alone because she wasn't as perfect as she was trying to pretend to be. some people just want to make others feel bad about themselves. don't second guess your abilities as a mother. you said your son is happy and healthy and that is what matters the most. what they say means nothing.

Laurie - posted on 05/10/2010

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I say play the other side. Make comments like "children grow up way to fast and I cherish every second I get with my BABY" or "I am sorry your child is growing up so fast, dont you wish you had your baby a little longer".

Dont worry about the potty training thing my daughter was 2 1/2 when she was trained and my son (just turned 1 yesterday) isnt walking on his own yet either. I understand its hard not question your parenting skills but try not to. If your baby is meeting milestones and happy then you are doing a wonderful job. Babies grow way to quick, so keep yours a baby as long as possible :)

Adri - posted on 05/10/2010

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Just remember every baby is unique! Every baby develops at his/her own tempo. Mentally and physically.

My advice would be just to ignore these comments. And if they rub it in your face, just tell them congratulations and that you are very happy to hear that. Be super nice and try and ask them everytime you see them. Eventually they will get annoyd.

You don't ever have to question your parenting. Just ask yourself this question: "Will you do ANYTHING to protect your son?" If the answer is Yes then you have nothing to worry about.

I think every mother wants to BRAG about her children.

And if your baby is happy, you have nothing to worry about!

PS (My daughter is turning 1 on the 28th of May and only started showing interest in walking now)

[deleted account]

My advice.... Let them compete! But don't engage in their conversations. I know how frustrating, irritating and sometimes hurtful it can be because my Brother in-law is doing it at the moment, only in the opposite way because my child is doing things before his child was. I put it down to him being a first time father. I have 3 children and he has 1. The funny thing is his child is 2 and a half and mine is 11 months so there should be NO feeling of competition; yet he gets annoyed when he see's that our child is doing something that his didn't at the same age. My baby is happy and healthy and like yours doing everything in her time. She started to crawl at 9 months and although she is not walking she is now climbing on and up everything. I know she will walk one day, her brother and sister started to walk at 14 months so she has plenty of time. I only work 2 days a week and the rest of the time I am with my baby doing many things from reading, playing with blocks, potty training etc. I HAVE THE TIME!! He and his wife works and their child goes to a daycare mum with 4 other children. My other 2 children are in school so my baby gets 100% one on one time. Of course she will pick things up faster!!! So what I am trying to say if they want to make it a competition let them, your child will always feel loved and excepted their child may question that in years to come!

Jeni - posted on 05/09/2010

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I like Birgit's plan! At age 18 it won't matter! As a high school teacher, I can tell you that by age 14 it doesn't matter!!!!:) And no one remembers. I am sorry that you have to deal with the comparisons. Not to encourage the comparisons-but have you asked them about what their progress was like growing up? Maybe they just want to be included and are feeling left out. Maybe you can see if your happy kid has any similarities to them and create a different kind of family bond. Good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 05/09/2010

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my son (who just turned a year old today) started walking at about 11 months. He seems to want to take his diaper off alot, but I keep it on as I know he isn't ready for potty training yet. He acts like he is ready but I know he is a bit too young for that. I have a lot of competition with other babies in my family and I or we don't really compare eachother's kids too much. I would just ignore the scoffs that the BF's family gives you and give credit to your baby that he knows the things he knows already. I agree... if he's happy and healthy.. leave him be. He will eventually learn things at his very own pace. Much Luck

[deleted account]

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives!!!
I'm with Rosey Little on this one ... just plaster a smile on your face and say 'that's nice' ... your BF's relatives sound like they're trying to get a rise out of you so they'll soon get bored when they realize the can't. Slapping back at them verbally will give them the satisfaction of knowing they hurt you... and it sounds like that's what they want.
Be secure in the fact that your child is doing just fine at his own pace and you're doing a fantastic job as a Mom.
Let them go ahead and be all competitive, the only people they're hurting are themselves and their kids ... can you even imagine growing up being rushed through life with immense pressure because your parents want you to be 'first' with every little thing... those are the sorts of kids that grow up with adjustment issues because everything in life becomes a competition.
It sounds like you son is doing a really well, he's happy and healthy and has a Mom who loves him ... who could ask for more!?!
I say avoid these relatives whenever possible... life is too short to spend around people who make you miserable.... go hang out with people in your life who make you feel good & people who think your son is amazing.
Stay strong & keep smiling :-)

Kylie - posted on 05/09/2010

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I don't have this issue, as Joseph was 3 months premature so majorly behind all our one year old friends, in some things.

But vocally he is a bit ahead. He says a couple of words, and babbles and is really engaging.

So try and focus on what your son does really well.

If your son is happy and chilled out, then that's all you want. Your a brilliant mum, don't let the turkey's get you down. It doesn't matter what other people think or say. At all.

Natalie - posted on 05/08/2010

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I can't say much about the family part that is just them being rude and you gotta be the bigger person and just let it go. As hard as it may be. But i know people somewhat do the same thing to my daughter not family mainly friends who are young mothers like me and my daughter is gunna be 1 on the 21st and not walking yet or eating much table food cuz she barely has ne teeth and she doesn't feed herself at all. I get told she should be doing all this alot. But she will go at her own pace and she is the same a veryyy very happy easy going baby loves people. I know she isn't behind she will jsut go at her own pace. so just keep that in mind and keep your chin up!

Birgit - posted on 05/07/2010

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I'd just tell them that once they're 18, wtf does it matter if one started walking/talking/potty 8 weeks earlier than the other one? Really. It works!

Nikita - posted on 05/07/2010

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My boyfriends mom had a baby 1 month after our son was born, and she is just like that, everything we tel her our baby can do she just replies with "yeah so can mine" never any words of happieness to her grandson, she is basically saying even though her son is a month younger then ours, he can still do everything our baby can, whe she is totally wrong, when her baby was 8 MONTHS she tried telling everyone that he could say uh oh hotdog, and trucks... total lie because no ever hears it but her, and same with alot of the other things she claims that the baby can do, no one ever see's t but her and we do spend enough time there that if he was really doing it we would see it, its rediculous, all babies and children develop at their own pace, i really think she is just jelouse because our baby can do more then hers and she wants to try and make it seem as if hers is just as smart, im not saying hers is dumb or anything because he is not by any means, he is a month younger and he is developing at his own pace. but my mother in-law does have a huge problem, she should probly get looked at. her other grandson is 3 years old and she makes fun of him and says he is stupid and that she thinks he has autism and says he even looks slow, just because he does'nt talk very much, he is behind in his talking but he is starting to do much better now. she's just rude

Rosey - posted on 04/28/2010

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just put a smile on and say to them, "well good for him". Just follow your baby and be happy and smily. If he's happy you are doing everything right and remember all babies do things at there own pace. Just keep telling yourself this, "I can't make him do it any faster". That's what I tell myself when I wonder why he isn't doing things by a certain age.

Kat - posted on 04/26/2010

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The next time they make a comparison between your sons, respond that while their son may do things first, your son will know how and when to keep his mouth shut to not be rude, then walk out. Take a deep breath, remember all children (and people) are different, but that does not make them better. Happy babies are way cooler than ones who walk early & children that potty train too young have more accidents later on. You're doing fine. There will always be people who make you feel like you're not doing something right as a mom, just (mentally) take a step back and remember, no one else is his momma, and no one but his daddy's opinion matters. :)

Rebekah - posted on 04/26/2010

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Welcome to Motherhood! In my experience, it only gets worse... All you can do is love your child and continue to tell him that you are proud of him. One day, maybe these "friends" will realize that you've raised a happy, confident child that is secure in himself. In the real world, children that are raised thinking they have to be better than everyone else end up as unhappy, insecure adults.

You might try asking, "does it really matter?" the next time someone compares your child to theirs. If someone were to tell me "I bet our son will be potty trained before your son even walks," I'd probably respond like, "Does that even matter? I've heard that children who conquer physical things later, turn out to be more intellectual adults. I guess that's because they spend more time listening and observing. In my opinion, I'd rather my son be smart than athletic, so whatever..."

Andrea - posted on 04/26/2010

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I know exactly how you feel. My mother in law is pushy when it comes to how she feels about any situation. Especially MY child. And my sister-in-law often agrees with her about things but also understands my husband and I are learning as first time parents. My daughter just started to crawl at about 10 months and of course I had to hear the lecture about how she should have already started. But I will tell you one thing, my 2 best friends have been life savers! When I get aggravated with the in-laws I call them and they listen to me fuss and I always feel better. All I can say is, do what you want and feel is right for your child and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Your a great mom and no one should tell you any different!

Jessica - posted on 04/26/2010

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I have almost the same problem except my son has a physical therepist that comes on a weekly basis. My mother inlaw always asks rudly if he is not in that "program" any more. My husband and I have started to lie to her becuase she always asks. She treats my family like scum that is not worthy of being on the bottom of her shoe because my son needs extra help to get moble she tells us all her other grandkids did not need help it doesnot help our case that she hates my husnad so it is a lost cause anyways. We don't go around my mother inlaw unless we have to for holidays (my son doesnot even like her) I would just tell ur husbands family that they need to back off and that your son has nothing wrong with him that he is hitting the milestones perfect. As for the potty training at 13 months I think that is a little young for a baby they can't even talk well enouph until they are around 18 months. My son can walk and knows what alot of words mean and I am not starting to potty train him until he is atleast 18 months because I don't think that he will understand it until he is older. A mother knows best when it comes to their babies if you don't see anthing wrong with your son then everything is prefect.

Oh and I also has a judgmental doctor that hates me she is always yelling at me for stupid stuff like once is was about his teeth and the lack of them I was going to tell her at his last doctors appt that he doesnot need dentures because she acted like he needed to get a tooth that day or she was going to have to order dentures for him.

babies develop at their own speed nothing to worry about with your son.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/25/2010

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You're son sounds a lot like mine, independent, happy, not walking yet. lol. Some children just do things faster, and some slower. but everyone has their pace. I understand your pain, my cousin does this to me.



But something to keep your mind on, your son will grow up perfectly normal, at his own pace, knowing that every step of the way you love him for who he is, even though he may not be the most advanced in the family. But his second cousin will have the pushy parents. "you can do better than that. your sister did it a way before your age." and unfortunately he'll never have that patience or understanding. So you know that in the long run- they're wrong and only hindering their child.

Adriane - posted on 04/25/2010

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Well I think the saying Misery Loves Company fist for whats going on here. Some people are just jeaolus of what you have and the only way for them to feel better is to put others down. Don't ever second guess yourself because of what others are saying(besides you never know what goes on behind closed doors). I'm sure you are doing a grate job with you son. I hope this helps.

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