Jessica - posted on 07/29/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )
everyday i try to take care of my kids and everyday i try to take care of my self. But as days has gone on these past several weeks. i cant be strong no more for my self and for my family. as everyday that goes by i see it being torn apart more and more. i feel like a complete failure as a mother, a partner , and my self. i'm losing everything i try to keep. i'm losing my family. i may loose my kids and if all that happens i'll lose my self. why do i keep fighting for something that i'll never keep.. why do i even try. there no where i can go to. i feel like i have to be lock up for good and not come out. if i do that then i no for sure i'll loose my kids for sure. NO BODY don't see all my efforts i put myself in for these kids and my self. i want to be happy , but my happyness if filled with sadness. I'm losing my house, i'm losing my partner that i've been with for almost 7 years, i may loose my kids. Im trying to keep everything together but to my Family they think i don't care. My father believes that i don't care and that i dont take care of my children and that i'm a failure as a mother. that I'm fithy and that my kids live in fith. No one wants to be around me acourding to my dad because of the fact that i'm lazy in there eyes. My mom on the other hand thinks i want everything giving to me and don't work for it. Its my fault that i gotten myself pregant and that i have two kids. its my fault that i can't keep a stable home over my head. Its my fault that i depend on people for doing things for me. ITS MY FAULT FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO ME.
First of all, yes i don't work i haven't be working since 05' i had a mental break down that i couldn't handle then i would try to look for a job no one wouldn't hire me, so i threw myself into a deeper spin. went to the local MHAR but that didn't help me so i ending up going to the emergency room at western phsy. but didn't admit myself in.. instead they wanted me to go to outpatient therapy. fine. that was in Oct of 05 couldn't get in until june of 06' but before i started going I had found out i was pregant with my oldest boys i was 4 months pregant and didn't know about it. so as i started to get my self better, i ending up losing my apartment, needed to say i'm still pregant. went to stay at a friends house durning the rest of my prangancy in their basement. until i giving birth to raiden, CYS was called in and wanted to know what was going on and were i was staying. Try to ask my Partner what to say instead he was sleeping and i couldn't talk to him about it. So i told them the truth. SO we got kicked out of there place, went to live with his mom found another apartment
Then we had apartment fire. Lost my cat that was i was really close to becasue we were displaced again. this time with a 3 month old baby, Ending back to live with my partner mom's place for 9 months. trying to look for another place to live. couldn't find anything. Ending up moving back into that apartment that got caught on fire this time Raiden was a yr old. we got new pets of course cats again..lol but anyway found out tom wasn't paying rent and that his dad found a house that we can live in so don't pay rent so he did want he was told to do. needless to say that its going to hurt our family. Founding out i was pregant again but lost the baby after Thx-giving. when i was In NY visiting my dad. That was a Nightmare and a half.. long story. came back to the aprtment to find out that we where getting kicked out again. Lost 2 of our pets Moved into the house in 08' with his mother Fine and dandy, She moves out 3 months later after we got into the house. Found out i was pregant again. 6 months after the miscarriage, scarry i no. but i felt alittle more at eas thinking that we are in a more permanent place now. i was wrong. My partner ask if we can have his one buddy stay with us for a while until he gets his new place.. Tell u what long story short he was an ASSHOLE and i didn't trust him to be around me or the kids but tom didn't care. Worst mistake ever. we kicked him out in Dec. MY brother wanted my help with his family so in dec. i let his girlfriend and daughter stay with us for while he was on house arrest over at my mothers. fine thinking this would be ok a little better than having that asshole living with us. i was wrong again. got into a big fight with my brother. they moved out in feb 09' haven't seen my niece since then. On top of that Lost my son's cat that he was attached to. got hit by a car right in front of us. Dealt with Raiden looking for his cat for a while. then our nabor friend was moving out of her place into a new place but when i t was time to leave in to the new place she couldn't get in. so let her and her daughter move in. which she stayed help out for a while. she moved out but left her stuff here. And its still here for storage. Tom lets our friend Russ move in before my nabor friend can get her stuff out of the house. now i'm waiting to see what hell is going to come from this, becasue i know some of her things are ruined. in that spared bedroom becasue of that cat he has.
finally i go up for NY for 2 weeks and come back with a for sale sign posted in front of the house.
try to find ways of saving the house and can't. So today tom is yelling at me that i can't find ways of saving this house adn i told him i tried and that we are going to get anything becasue of it. our scores are too low and we have student loans hanging over our heads he doesn't want to hear it. i give up. so in the mean time i'm looking where else to move to with the kids and all of my things. right now i feel like i'm at the end of my rope with no where else to go and no help from my family or his. i dont know what to do i feel like i should just let everything go and stop worrying about my kids me and my family in general. i need help