feeling like a complete hopeless failure

Jessica - posted on 07/29/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

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everyday i try to take care of my kids and everyday i try to take care of my self. But as days has gone on these past several weeks. i cant be strong no more for my self and for my family. as everyday that goes by i see it being torn apart more and more. i feel like a complete failure as a mother, a partner , and my self. i'm losing everything i try to keep. i'm losing my family. i may loose my kids and if all that happens i'll lose my self. why do i keep fighting for something that i'll never keep.. why do i even try. there no where i can go to. i feel like i have to be lock up for good and not come out. if i do that then i no for sure i'll loose my kids for sure. NO BODY don't see all my efforts i put myself in for these kids and my self. i want to be happy , but my happyness if filled with sadness. I'm losing my house, i'm losing my partner that i've been with for almost 7 years, i may loose my kids. Im trying to keep everything together but to my Family they think i don't care. My father believes that i don't care and that i dont take care of my children and that i'm a failure as a mother. that I'm fithy and that my kids live in fith. No one wants to be around me acourding to my dad because of the fact that i'm lazy in there eyes. My mom on the other hand thinks i want everything giving to me and don't work for it. Its my fault that i gotten myself pregant and that i have two kids. its my fault that i can't keep a stable home over my head. Its my fault that i depend on people for doing things for me. ITS MY FAULT FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO ME.

First of all, yes i don't work i haven't be working since 05' i had a mental break down that i couldn't handle then i would try to look for a job no one wouldn't hire me, so i threw myself into a deeper spin. went to the local MHAR but that didn't help me so i ending up going to the emergency room at western phsy. but didn't admit myself in.. instead they wanted me to go to outpatient therapy. fine. that was in Oct of 05 couldn't get in until june of 06' but before i started going I had found out i was pregant with my oldest boys i was 4 months pregant and didn't know about it. so as i started to get my self better, i ending up losing my apartment, needed to say i'm still pregant. went to stay at a friends house durning the rest of my prangancy in their basement. until i giving birth to raiden, CYS was called in and wanted to know what was going on and were i was staying. Try to ask my Partner what to say instead he was sleeping and i couldn't talk to him about it. So i told them the truth. SO we got kicked out of there place, went to live with his mom found another apartment
Then we had apartment fire. Lost my cat that was i was really close to becasue we were displaced again. this time with a 3 month old baby, Ending back to live with my partner mom's place for 9 months. trying to look for another place to live. couldn't find anything. Ending up moving back into that apartment that got caught on fire this time Raiden was a yr old. we got new pets of course cats again..lol but anyway found out tom wasn't paying rent and that his dad found a house that we can live in so don't pay rent so he did want he was told to do. needless to say that its going to hurt our family. Founding out i was pregant again but lost the baby after Thx-giving. when i was In NY visiting my dad. That was a Nightmare and a half.. long story. came back to the aprtment to find out that we where getting kicked out again. Lost 2 of our pets Moved into the house in 08' with his mother Fine and dandy, She moves out 3 months later after we got into the house. Found out i was pregant again. 6 months after the miscarriage, scarry i no. but i felt alittle more at eas thinking that we are in a more permanent place now. i was wrong. My partner ask if we can have his one buddy stay with us for a while until he gets his new place.. Tell u what long story short he was an ASSHOLE and i didn't trust him to be around me or the kids but tom didn't care. Worst mistake ever. we kicked him out in Dec. MY brother wanted my help with his family so in dec. i let his girlfriend and daughter stay with us for while he was on house arrest over at my mothers. fine thinking this would be ok a little better than having that asshole living with us. i was wrong again. got into a big fight with my brother. they moved out in feb 09' haven't seen my niece since then. On top of that Lost my son's cat that he was attached to. got hit by a car right in front of us. Dealt with Raiden looking for his cat for a while. then our nabor friend was moving out of her place into a new place but when i t was time to leave in to the new place she couldn't get in. so let her and her daughter move in. which she stayed help out for a while. she moved out but left her stuff here. And its still here for storage. Tom lets our friend Russ move in before my nabor friend can get her stuff out of the house. now i'm waiting to see what hell is going to come from this, becasue i know some of her things are ruined. in that spared bedroom becasue of that cat he has.
finally i go up for NY for 2 weeks and come back with a for sale sign posted in front of the house.
try to find ways of saving the house and can't. So today tom is yelling at me that i can't find ways of saving this house adn i told him i tried and that we are going to get anything becasue of it. our scores are too low and we have student loans hanging over our heads he doesn't want to hear it. i give up. so in the mean time i'm looking where else to move to with the kids and all of my things. right now i feel like i'm at the end of my rope with no where else to go and no help from my family or his. i dont know what to do i feel like i should just let everything go and stop worrying about my kids me and my family in general. i need help

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Jessica - posted on 08/01/2009

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frist of this was our house when we moved in with his mother she didn't want to stay -long story- i knew from the very beginning that the house was two much for us and that we dont have enough money to support it.
thats what i want to do but in order for me to find a place of my own i have to fix some things on my credit report thats not good and it will stop me from getting my one place. i've talk to him about it and understands that i want to leave him but he also knows that i can't just yet. with me trying to get on SSI and taking care of two kids. i have a really hard time trying to take care of my self. i manly home alone with the two kids anyway so trying to get the help i need mentally its even harder. i don't have alot of close friends that can watch the kids for serveal hrs while i go to therpy so for the time being this is my therpy. and it not really helping me as u can see. i know sometime i spend way to much on the computer than spending time with the kids. and there times when i advoid everyone adn my kdis see it i feel guity for doing so put i try to put every effort in to being there and taking care of them. my parents are very supportive of me as a child and now they want me to do everything on my own thats how i was raised if i needed help in school i would go to them and the would be like u just want me to find the answers for u. figure it out and do it ur self. so if i fall flat on my face. they see it because of me doing it to myself and they dont want to help me. as i've gotten older i learn to not tell them i need help i learn not to call them for anything and when i do its like i want something from them so i advoid that as much as possible. when i met my partner was so different if i wanted something he would go get it. i would be like i can get it myself, but he got it for me anyway. i didn't have to ask for it he woudl just do it. i enjoyed that part of him so much, that i forgotten how to be independent sometimes. but at them same time i lost that support in him as well. we grew apart and i now that i want to go to counsiling but i know i can't force him into going cuz he doen't want to go. -long story- he has his own issues of counsiling that he doesn't like to go to one. but i would tell him how i feel and say it not just me and you it hurting our kids too. he listen but didn;t say anything to be more supportive of the kids. the more and more i keep saying i want to make the realationship work for the sake of the kids and me the more i pull away from him becasue i feel like he not on the same page with me He wants his freedom and he wants a family. sorry he can't have both. so he knows i'm leaving it just getting from point a to point b i have my foot in the out door but can't completely step out with out having a huge wall infront of me that i have to climb with out falling. but i fall anyway and i have to start all over again. so yes i'm stuck

Carmen - posted on 07/31/2009

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hey jess you have had it rough - I think you need to look aout for your kids they are no1 if your partner is letting random people move in and out I think it maybe time for you guys to take a break - I don't mean split up just you go and find a place for you and the kids - somewhere which is nice and somewhere that is safe - all these people coming itnto their lives and all the conflict that is around them isn't good for them - they will be clingy and shy and not trusting of people - take what you have move into a place of your own with your kids and start to save money even if it is $10 a week that money will build up over time, tell your partner you need room to breath and to sort yourself and the kids out - he maybe their dad but from what you are saying he doesn't seem to do alot around the place, a partner is someone who is meant to be helping you with chores and with the kdis and helping financially it seems to me that you are doing all of this and that he hasn't really grown up he's always seemed to have an easy run - I mean you guys moved into his mums place and then took over the house when she moved out - but even now you can't seem to keep that - where does his money go? What is he spending it on? And if you have had all these people in the house have any of them paid any form of rent or board for being there??

You may have taken them in out of the kindness of your heart but to me it seems like these people are using you - they don't seem to be paying and they obviously aren't helping around the place - your aren't their mothers and your partner is relying on you like a bank and like you are his mother - just cos you do everything - you aren't his mother - tell him to start pulling his weight or you are gone give him 2 weeks - if he hasn't changed then move out take your kids get a place of your own get up standing on your won two feet and prove to him that if he wants you back then he has to be responsible and act like a partner not a child it's time for him to grow up and be an adult - he is a father of 2 children who are going to need him to be there for them not him off doing his own thing while you do everything in the house - as for everything falling apart it's not your fault and your parents think that you are spoilt where are they when you needed a place to stay after your apartment burnt down - have they helped you out with taking the kids for a weekend? What are they doing to support you? To me it looks like they feel bad about what has happened and is happening and feel like they have failed in some way and to make themselves feel better they are blaming you for silly stupid things - what i want to know is if you have always been given everything - how come you don't live in a mansion people that get given everything have no value of money and no budgeting skills and no idea about the real world - you seem to understand this I think the only thing you failed at was the choice of man - he seems to have no grown up and doesn't seem to understand the importance of paying bills and being responsible - those are my options I do hope you consider them cos the last thing you want to do is lose your kids over a man - it's not worth it!!

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