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I feel like I am going to loose my husband because of my depression.

Jay - posted on 08/23/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have suffered from depression and anxiety all my life.

But since I had my baby 6 months ago I feel so alone.

I used to go to a group once a week to meet up with people in simular situations and talk positively for an few hours over a cup of tea. But it stopped for the summer and is not coming back. I just feel alone now.

I am breastfeeding my baby and refuses bottles so I feel like I never get a break! I am always with him, and to be honest the thought of leaving him really scares me. Even when I went to my group from when he was 4 weeks till he was 15weeks I used to be so worried about leaving him and I used to get my mother to drive an hour to be at the house with my husband in case something went wrong.

But now I feel like there is not even that once a week meeting to look forward to. Some weeks I don't leave the house at all. My husband tries to get me to do the weekly shopping with him, but some times I just don't go.

I never leave the house alone, I am either with my husband or my mother drives to see me and talks me into heading down the shops with her. I live in the city, a 2 min walk from the closest shop and I would text my husband to bring back a carton of milk and wait till that evening for the milk rather than walk out by myself.

I feel like my husband can do so much better than me, and my son too, I think he needs a better mum aswell. I just don't want my depression to effect him and how he grows up. And I feel like the house is always a mess unless my husband cleans it, he notices the dirt that I dont, like when the bathroom needs to be scrubbed.

I feel like he needs someone that will be happy and be a good mum. And I can never seem to show him how much he means to me. I loose it at the slightest thing and I feel like I always say the wrong thing, especially in the heat of the moment.

Sorry for the long rant, I just feel I can't talk to anyone about this. x

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4 Comments

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Bethany - posted on 09/13/2011

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Your welcome, its hard to be standing in a room full of people see in black and white and explain what a rainbow looks like.

Jay - posted on 09/12/2011

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Thank you Bethany.
I think you are the first person who seems to really get what I am going through. As you said, I don't want to seem lazy but it is hard. And I love when I wake up feeling brilliant and I clean the whole house. But that is very rare.
I am glad I am not the only one who feels like I am burdening my husband with all the chores when he gets home. I feel that all I have done is kept my son happy, changed, fed, clean. But I guess that is alot, especially considering before my bub that would have been an impossibility!
Thank you Bethany, xx

Bethany - posted on 09/12/2011

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Where I live there are support groups for families living with some one who has a mental illness. My husband still has a really hard time understanding it. Same with other family members. Because I am not physically well, I am not that sick to them. I am just being lazy and making my husband do all the work. I have my younger daughters in daycare because I am young and want a life. They dont see that I am too exhausted because being ill runs you down. They dont see that I am too tired and cant take care of them when my husband is working because I fall asleep and cant wake to them when they need me to be awake. They dont understand that changes in my life no matter how small stresses me out to the point my depression gets really bad. I cant work because of the change of routine I get sick and then I get fired for it.
I feel like a crappy person because of all this as well as the fact that I feel awful that I cant have my kids full time, that I cant help finacially or even around my house.
You need to tell yourself that you are a good mom and a good person. You wake up every morning and feed your son, change his diapers and give him everything you possibly can. So what the dishes didnt get done and there is a pile of laundry. If you cant do house work to your husbands standers, oh well. Its s good day if you were able to get dressed, or washed your face, or even scrubed the toilet and that is it. Heck its a good day even if all you did was smile.
Its hard and crappy to have this illness, because it is so silent and there is no physical symptoms that can be seen. Please remember your son loves you and your husband does too, even if he is being a butt. Dont forget to talk to your doctor, take your meds and if they arent working go back to your doctor about adjusting your doses or maybe trying something else. I take zoloft, lithium, and seroquil (I also suffer with post partum psycosis) but seroquil and lithium help boosted the antidepressant.
You are not alone, you are never alone and you will be always loved no matter how bad it seems. You are in my thoughts.
Beth

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