i suffer with major depression, and borderline personality disorder...

Ciara - posted on 01/29/2009

BTW-I 2nd Lamictal!!!  I WISH I could go back on it, but until I wean my DD, then all mood stabilizers are off limits at this time.

Ciara - posted on 01/29/2009

I just joined this group tonight and although I really only read your first post, I must say that I am going through in life what you are and I have never found anyone else who could relate.  I also have a husband who also has serious mental issues and refuses to get help for any of it (of course that would mean that he would have to admit his behavior/reactions are not normal and-heaven forbid-he cannot acknowledge that!).  He is also very unsupportive and is unable to recognize my mood swings and believes I "do this to him on purpose".  Like I can help it!  I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old.  I suffer and have suffered so much.  I was dx'd 2.5 years ago with Borderline Personality Disorder and an adjustment disorder with depressive moods (I never agreed with the 2nd diagnosis) when I originally went in to be evaluated for post-partem depression.  I started DBT, then stopped, and 2 years later am restarting next week.  I cannot be on any meds at this time because I breastfeed.  I have tried 4 different docs and none will perscribe me anything-but it was okay to take while pregnant?-sorry, different topic.  I feel like I'm always runnung into one wall or another, and I know my family talks about me behind my back about everything I'm doing "wrong" instead of what I'm doing right.  I'm glad to meet you here and I hope that we can work out our demons without being judged in this group.

Jessica - posted on 11/30/2008

hi coni thanks for sharing ur story with me. is bipolar 2 manic? my therpist says i can have both. but she unsure that i am. i could talk to my phy on my next appt. you sound like me when i was a teenager, the only thing that kept me going was having a good close friend to be my back bone when i fall. It was extremely hard on me because my teacher and guidance counselor knew i had a problem but there was no one at home to support me to see therapist. now that i have help and that i started this i'm very proud of myself because i know that i want to better my self.

Coni - posted on 11/30/2008

Hi Jessica! Thanks for sharing your struggle. It takes courage to do that. I was just thinking (while crying) today that I feel so alone also. My husband is amazing and he has been a tremendous support to me. I have been married for ten years and neither he nor I have shared what my struggles have been during that time with other family. They wouldn't understand and would look at me differently (negatively!!!).
I have recently been diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder (sometimes called bipolar spectrum disorder). My sister is bipolar 1, which is the more intense form. I have had depression issues as far back as I can remember. Growing up, I had no support and a father with a very violent temper (who I believe is bipolar as well, but he would NEVER think so), so I had to internalize everything to survive, basically. I remember sitting in my room as a teenager just wanting to die, but knowing that I wouldn't actually go through with it. I was mad at myself at the time for not having the "courage" ( I thought back then) to follow through with suicide. I always seemed to have anxiety issues as well.
As a young adult on my own, things only got worse. I was put on Effexor for anxiety and depression. It seemed to work well for a while (except that I could not sleep while taking it w'/out a sleeping pill...and I mean not sleep at all! But I never fit the "mold' of being only depressed or anxious or both. There was so much more. I would get soooo angry over nothing really. So easily irritable! If I wasn't irritable I was really really depressed and many times angry and depressed at the same time.
My recent dr is a blessing to us! He finally found a diagnosis that completely fit me! I didn't have to feel like such a terrible loser anymore. I wasn't just a b*tch on purpose because I was mean spirited. I always felt so guilty for my children seeing me fight so intensely with my husband at times. It affected them and I feel awful for that. I always made so many goals, took anger management classes, read many self help books, went to counseling, and NOTHING could help me change before my new meds.
Now I still take the effexor and a new med..Lamictal. It is helping so much. Not perfect, but it is like I have come out of darkness and can feel the sunshine again at times.
I have four kids, ages 7 yrs on down to 1 yr. Being pregnant was hell for me and my poor husband...with no meds at all. But I have beautiful kids that are a huge blessing to us! I actually fear that one of my kids is showing some early bipolar signs. I pray that it not the case. I couldn't stand her feeling the way that I have. But if you think about it, we (you too!) could be there for our kids because we understand and we could help them to get help. What a scary thought, though.
Sorry I am boring you, I bet. I guess that I finally really needed to "talk" to someone who wouldn't look down on me for sharing this with them. Sometimes I feel like I have to work so hard to put on a mask to try to appear to others that I am "normal". When I can't fake it, I am not around others.
I'd love to keep chatting with you. I need someone who understands. My husband is fantastic, but he doesn't understand. He hasn't been there. He doesn't know how it feels inside.
Take care of yourself and keep in touch:).

Jessica - posted on 11/24/2008

Well guys i applied for disability back in 05. got denied and appeal that. know i'm waiting for 2nd appeal date if approved if not i have to start the whole process all over again. its a financial struggle for my family. i have though about just working again just to help out, but the thought of working kinda frightens me because of the fact that i can't separate myself from work life and home life. also the fact that i'm unstable at times and i don't want to but my self in harms way (long story) or anyone else. its scary for me. anyway its just i have a full time job at home dealing with one child and another on the way is going to be hard for me as it is. i know being a mother/parent doesn't come with a book. (sometimes i wish there was..lol) so i know its a struggle as it comes. the one major thing that bothers me the most when i'm put in the spot light of not working. my family doesn't think raising a kid is a job they think its responsibility. (they are work alcoholics)
another thing that bothers me is that i was raised with both my parents until they got divorced , then i was raised with my mom, were-as my partner was raised by his mother and his father didn't want anything to do with him until he was an adult (don't know much but its a long story) so for me its like i'm raising my son as a single parent but daddy isn't as envoled as much. so i'm trying to understand both parenting parts of our lives to better our relationship when it comes to our kids... sorry if i went on a tangent i do that alot if you haven't notice already.

Nikki - posted on 11/23/2008

Jessica, thanks for responding. With speaking with your welfare worker help can they not suggest something that could be helpful to assist you getting the help you need? Are you in the US or Canada? I just hate how people with mental illness dont have a fair advantage with getting treatment the way someone with an illness does. I know how frustrated you must be as I have battled for many years to be heard and helped and I try to be a support to others as I know there struggles!!! What about disability, are you able to apply if your unable to work? Just trying to learn more and see if I can find some stuff for you!!! Hope your weekend went ok!!

Nikki

Jennifer - posted on 11/23/2008

Jessica,

My mom has been given every diagnosis that I can think of...when I was a child it was hard, it was like I was the parent....long story short. I am bi-polar, it has to do with the genes, not because of what my mom was like...that's a whole nother board. I dont look into the past any more ( I know easier said than done, but I dont.) I focus on my small circle. ME first always, because when I dont take care of my self I cant take care of my husband or my two small children. Just because of your issues and diagnosis doesnt mean that your child has to suffer. Take the best care of your sefl that you can. I am sucessful with my bi polar disorder, that doesnt mean I dont struggle, however I have Studied, and did so much Work, Hard Work to get to where I am today. I have tried the meds, gotten to my appointments and made time for myself when I have too. My husband is my checker so to speak. Sleep is important to my disease. So sometimes I have to say to him hey, I have to take a 4 hour nap, sorry your on your own.....Anyway, without treatment available to you, you have my support here on the board....Have you ever tried affirmations they work wonders for me. I use a deck from Louse Haye. But an affimation can be any simple sentence that you need to get through to your self, Like I use a lot, Everything in my world is as it is suppossed to be, and Thoughts are just that, thoughts, and Fake it till you make it. They may not be the ones for you however, try to find one. Search the net for positive affirmations keep it simple and make it your mantra, write it, repeat it, put it somewhere where you see it everyday and let me know if it helps. You are a good mom, doing the best you can, and thats all you can do is YOur best. And it sounds like you are. Be well and in touch,

Jenn

Jessica - posted on 11/23/2008

nikki thanks for understanding. of course i'm a worry-wart. i can't help it, it hard to explain at times. there not that many support groups were i live and with me having a 2 year its hard to place him some where that will watch him while i'm in groups. my partner is suppose to be helping me with that. but he is consistently out that door and doesn't want to stay home half the times. I'm not working so therefore welfare won't cover daycare believe me i've looked into it and still working on something. so as of right now with me being pregnant and not that many support around me its very difficult to stay stable. but i'm trying my best i would say more but i have to go and take care of my two year who making a mess as we speak..lol

Nikki - posted on 11/22/2008

((((((Jessica))))) you are an amazing mom by the sounds of it and it can be very difficult to manage day to day. Is there a reason you dont have treatment steadily? What about any support groups etc through your local hospital or mental health association? You are not a disspointment I think its hard for people to understand that alot of times we arent sure why we are the way we are our emotions can be all over the place and we dont always understand so it makes it hard to explain to others. Im sorry your partner is also suffering from mental illness but sad he is not seeking treatment not only for himself but for his family!! You need to look at all the good things in your life, your healthy at least physically, you have a beautiful child and another on the way and they are healthy!! We cant worry that our children will be like us sometimes they do inherit mental illnesses and sometimes they learn to cope better than we did. As I said be proud of who you are and dont worry so much about others....(((((HUGS)))))

Jessica - posted on 11/12/2008

chris, you are are so right of being the hardest critic on my self. yes i do go to therapy and yes i'm on meds, but both therapy and meds are unstable, because of the situations thats around me that i can't control. my therapist that i adore even told me i'm very extremly judge mental on myself, becasue of that fact that i'm so varinable to other peoples words, and i'm easy distrout with them and i become defensive of it.



Like i said before i'm looking for more suppport to help me on top of what i getting now.



by the way i'm a wiccan.

Chris - posted on 11/12/2008

Jessica and Karen,
I am an Atheist and so are my Husband and 15 year old son. We draw strength and from each other, every day.

Jessica, when I read your writings I see a very familiar theme. It is your illness that makes your perception of the situation askew. Are you on medication? You would have more productive therapy sessions if you were on medication. This is not your fault, but realize, only you can save yourself. You are strong and powerful. You recognize that you are ill and are reaching out for help. This doesn't make you weak. I am not judging you and never would, it sound to me like you are your harshest critic. (A real symptom of your illness) You also need to be your biggest cheerleader. Remind yourself every day that you are a loving mother who wants the best for her children. I am here for you, take care.

Jessica - posted on 11/09/2008

ok. for me i'm not a church goer person, i have my own believes that are different from yours. i'm ok with people who are catholic / christian, just don't preach to me about it. i like the religion i chose for myself and for me it fits me. i have an open eye on the view of life and i like to keep it that way. and i wouldn't force my child into a religion, i rather have him chose his own path and i would support his descion. if you would like to know what religion i follow ask me in e-mail.

Jessica - posted on 11/06/2008

but also know that someone is here loving you and you try the best you can to take care of him/her

Jessica - posted on 11/06/2008

ok... i wouldn't start this conversion if i wasn't in therapy. i'm looking for more support that i'm not getting at home and in therapy. i want to know how people function with kids like me. i was in group therapy and i enjoy every minute of it, but since my living arrangements prevent me to go. i figure that i could get some support here. its eaiser said and done for some people. but i know there are some people like me that can't or don't know how to break the cycle. it like unwanted things interfering in ur life that is out of control so how do you deal with it. Yes i have extreme low self esteem and pessimistic on view on life. but i'm happy that i have a child and another on the way. it just i don't want my child growing up like me and what i've been though as a child. Yes i'm scared i'm only 26 years old and still have alot to learn. but at the same time i'm trying to prevent actions from repeating themselves. its fustrationing me because i feel like no one understands me at times and when i read what you guys reply i feel like its a slap in the face to say snap out of it i'll be find when i know for a fact i'm not fine and it hard to snap out of it when u can't control with it, but deal with it everyday. how can you block hurt words that comes from family members? how can you turn your back on them knowing that in some way they disappoint you. knowing that they weren't there for you in the time of need. yes its like i'm emotionally scared growing up, but the only thing that gets me through life it remembering as i was as a tiny child and holding on the memories of happiness and carefree in life. I feel like i'm still a young child but i'm 26 years old and don't know how to grow up. I love being a big kid but when do you say enough is enough i need to wise up. but can't because you don't know how. I live in fear.. fearing the unexpected afraid that history will repeat it self and its hurtful when ur all alone with no support from family. i hold all the anger in and tell i break down and start having suicidal thoughts that i can't control. and then i look at my son and i feel so ashamed that i'm not a strong women that everyone thinks i am. i'm weak and fragail and i try to get though it day by day. so how do you cope with it knowing that u have a happy healthy, active child that endorses you, KNowing that you don't have the energy to even keep up with him.

Jessica - posted on 11/05/2008

here is what i mean by hating life, when i was 13 up to the age of 15 i was being sexually assaulted, when i told a teacher at school what was going home in my personal life it put a stop to it. I'm happy i told someone. but my mother and father who don't believe me was non supportive of me. i never went to counseling after that and i try to do things on my own. i was extremely suicidal and i keep it a secret. one one other person knew what was going on with me and got me threw school. i was still having problems, mainly it was holding my anger in and turning my back on every one else. as i grew older things had happen and i finally got help. but know scince i have a young one and another on the way. i just fear that me being mentally unstable will effect my children in some way and i don't want that to happened.

Jessica - posted on 11/05/2008

i understand that are some kids with mental health issues. i'm just trying to get more support for my self to talk to other parents close to the same problems i have but who have young ones that are find. I'm hoping that we don't trigger or pass down or problems onto them. i want to prevent it moreless break the ties that can get passed down. since i know for a fact being raised in a family that suffers depression and bi-poler and angry issues u kinda grow up with shorta hating life in my experience.

Chris - posted on 11/05/2008

Jessica,
My 15 year old son was diagnosed with depression and anxiety by third grade and borderline personality disorder by 7th grade. He is now in 10th grade and is doing great! He takes Risperdal and Lexapro and was in treatment for 7 years. He has been on the honor roll for 2 years and has chosen a career in science. Bottom line is that I feel it is treatable, I really think that he can have a normal life. You can too with the right medication and therapy. Remove the negative people in your life and concentrate on recovery, because until you are better, you can't help those around you. You can do this, it will be hard work but always talk to yourself in a positive loving way. The "self talk" will be very important. Get professional help, you are not broken, you just need a little help.