lost and angry living with bipolar

Shannon - posted on 05/24/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )

I am so angry and feel so alone right now. I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was 14. I should be ecstatic that my son (age 13-bipolar, ADHD, PTSD, social anxiety) is getting to come home from the hospital tomorrow, but I'm not. I had him to admit him because he was in major need of med changes. I had to send him to a hospital 150 miles away because no one around here deals (correctly) with children who have mental illnesses. I have not seen him since he left over a week ago.

Dont get me wrong, I do want and cant wait to see him. I love him with all my heart. But I do not want him to see me like this. How can I be a positive role model for him when I'm falling apart inside? I can barely function. How can I show him that it is possible to live with this illness and maintain a normal life?

I don't want to be around anyone right now. We had a family reunion today and I couldn't even be in the same room as everyone else. My skin would crawl, and my anxiety was through the roof. Even when everyone was outside, I couldn't join in because I felt like I was suffocating. I wouldn't let my youngest son come home with me tonight because I was scared that I would loose it. My nerves are raw. I can feel the rage boiling inside me and Im scared of what might happen if I was unable to suppress it any longer. I talked to my parents for the first time in at least 6 months for my mom and probably close to a year for my dad. It didn't make me feel any better.

My entire family refuse to try and understand what living with bipolar is like. They don't believe it is a real condition. It is all a state of mind that I could control if I really wanted to. They think I do the things I do strictly for attention. Which I find amusing since I don't keep contact with them anymore and rarely leave my house except to get necessities to live. They don't even try to contact their grandkids because my oldest is too hyper and uncontrollable. (their opinion of him as a young child, they dont know how he is now) They have basically labeled him as a bad kid. They tell me I just need to get over it, to stop geeking or one of their other famous words of wisdom. They refuse to believe that it is not always within my control to maintain myself. Its not just my parents, basically all of them have turned their back on us. They stopped trying when I refused to let them take the other boys and not acknowledge my oldest son. He is human too!

RIght now all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die. I feel like a failure as a mom because it is my job to be the rock and their protector and I can hardly make it through the day. I cant take them to the park right or anything right now because if anyone else is around I feel like they are judging me and my son and then the panic attacks start. I am trying to battle the school so that they provide what my oldest needs to get an education. But they seem to be against him because hes not like everyone else.

Im fighting the urge to cut myself. I yearn to have the release that comes from watching the blood ooze from my arms or legs. I have not cut for over 6 months now. The first slip up in a few years. I do not want to do it anymore. I know it is not safe or healthy. I do not want to lie to the kids as to how I got hurt if they happen to see the cuts.

I watch my oldest son fight this condition everyday. He fights to maintain control himself, his difficulty in making friends, he fights the taunts from his peers because he is different, his not being on the same education level as other kids his age. He fights everyday to be normal, to be like everyone else. How can I let him see me like this? I don't want him to give up on himself because I'm a failure.

I am currently not on any medication. As much as I want to be I simply cannot afford to buy them. I have no insurance, I only work 3 days a week (im finding it hard to even go in on those days) and my husband is laid off. So it is all I can do right now just to provide food and shelter. I do not qualify for state aid because I make too much money by their standards. Thank god that they do provide insurance for the kids.

I feel so alone in this war. I'm afraid to ask the state for help because Im afraid that they will hear the word bipolar and think that I'm not capable of taking care of my kids and take them away. I lost them once and I simply could not live through that again. They are my life. They are what makes this world worth living in. I want to be better for them. So many people in this small hick town don't know anything about bipolar but what they have seen on tv. The few people around here that know my son is bipolar (no one knows I suffer from it too) tell me that I should just put him in a home and basically forget about him. OVER MY COLD DEAD BODY!!!

I feel like such a failure as a parent right now. Im letting my kids down.

I just want to show my son that suffers from this evil condition that I cursed him with, that there is the possibility of leading a full and happy life. That he will survive the ups and downs. I just want to show him that it is possible to have some control of his life and can do whatever his heart desires. Im scared that im going to loose it and if he sees me loosing this battle that he will feel like its impossible to have that normal life and give up on himself.

Im sorry to ramble on like that, I just really needed to vent. What I am wondering is, is there anyone out there, in this cold world, that feels the same way I do? Is there any way to lead some sort of a normal life without medications? Its not that I am against them but frankly cannot afford them. I would love to hear any tips that someone might have. I just want to know that I can be bipolar and still be a good mother.