Not a day goes by that I wish I was dead.

Amanda - posted on 01/26/2009 ( 18 moms have responded )

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Every day at least once or twice or maybe even more I think of ways to just end my life. I went to my regular doctor he put me on symbrex. It was too expensive so I stopped getting it. Never went to be diagnosed. It is hard from day to day. I feel like a failure to my son all the time. I also don't want him to grow up to be like me. Sometimes I feel that he would be better off without me. Yet some days I wake up and I feel some what normal. I'm always confussed about what I want out of life. So I understand what alot of you guys are talking about here, I guess that I should go and get more help but pushing myself to do it is another story.

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Carmen - posted on 07/31/2009

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Your child will always love you no matter what you have - a mental illness isn't the end of the world - it is more out there now than it has ever been - my family have come to terms with what i have and it was because of my upbringing - at 2 I was taken off my mother and placed into a karitane home ( an orphange) - my family fell apart and I lost everything - i was shuffled from home to home for many years not knowing where I would be next and if they would want me - I became very inward and rebelled often - I couldn't deal with all the stress and emotions that were going on inside of me and i didn't know what was wrong with me - I tried to commit suicide twice (obviously it didn't work cos I am still here) - but i am glad I am here because i can give advice to people out there that have depression and mental health issues and I know how they feel because I have and am still there - i was diagnosed with unipolar (depression) bipolar2 and with fragmented personality (ithas traits to borderline personality but it's not that) - I am learning by talking and keeping intouch with my community mental health nurse that I am okay and that alot of it isn't my fault if my life had been different and I had grown up in a caring family and never experienced any of the things in my past I probably wouldn't have many of these disorders but I do have them and i have learnt to write down and work out what the triigers are - every day you wake up look at your son look at him and love him and know that there is no one better for him than you - you are his mother you have gotten this far and you are doing great - he is a beautiful boy and he wouldn't cope without you - you are his world and he loves you nothing or no one can ever change that - just remember we are all here to support you and we aren't going anywhere - head up high girl you are doing well!

Rhiannon - posted on 03/09/2009

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I wish I could give you a huge hug!  Man, I totally understand the 'my kid will be better off without me' feeling. A year ago I tried to take my life, and had to spend 3 weeks as an inpatient on the psychiatric floor at a local hospital.  It was a life-changing event in many ways. 



I learned that I could get help with my meds through the county.  I see a psychiatrist once a month without having to pay anything, and I also get my meds, 80mgs of Prozac and 300mgs of Wellbutrin daily for less than $30 a month.  WITHOUT INSURANCE!  Most meds come in generic forms now. 



I also thrived in the stuctured environment of the hospital.  I realized that I needed to stick to a schedule all the time.  If I have a list, and I accomplish at least some of those things, I feel like I did good.  Sounds impossible, I know, cause I bet you can barely get out of bed.  My goals started with things like, brushing my teeth and taking a shower.  I was in such a bad place that I could go weeks without doing so.  It's gross I know.  Now my lists include, washing dishes, or doing laundry, and even if I only do one thing, I tell my husband, or call my mom and have her act like it's the most amazing feat anyone has ever done.  Lame, I know, but it helps!  I'll call you to cheer you on if you need someone to!



And 3rd, I saw how not seeing me for 3 weeks affected my son.  He cried a lot, he didn't want to eat, or play.  He wasn't himself.  Imagine if I had gone away from him forever.  I know it feels like there's no hope, but there is.  I promise.  And we're all here to help you however we can!

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Terriane - posted on 10/11/2009

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i know exactly how u feel, i have taken 3 overdoses and i slit my wrists whenever it gets too much. i no longer try 2 kill my self but i still slit my wrists to release some of the pain if you know what i mean. i have been diagnosed with severe post natal depression and anxiety for 2 years now and everytime things start to look up i get dropped back down harder everytime. i feel like i am fighting a loosing battle. i wake up every morning thinking that if i didnt have my daughter i wud b happy, then i spend the rest of the day feeling evil 4 thinking like that. i know that its a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning and no matter how much you do, it never feels good enough but all you have to remember is that there your thoughts not your childrens. your children r the reason your not yet dead and they r worth the fight. last year my grandad hung himself, no explaination. he must have been really down 2 go that far and even tho i have been at that point myself and i have a slight understanding of how he must of felt, it didnt prevent me from resenting or hating him 4 how he left us. i know the rest of my family felt the same as well. i would never want my children to feel the way i did when my grandad died, i want them 2 know that no matter how hard it is, that i was willing to take it 4 them because i love them. im sure you feel the same. dnt let it beat you, its only an illness.

Lisa - posted on 08/13/2009

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Hun, I started out with post natal depression after having my second little girl as I fractured my spine whilst pregnant, so couldn't look after my girlies properly (or so I thought), I have been where you are and due to being bullied & harrassed at work I have tried to do what you think about doing. But believe me it's not worth it, especially when you look at their angelic faces, they don't remeber the times when you scream and shout over a spilled drink of juice all they remember is their mummy tucking them up at night. Kids have unconditional for their parents even when they grow up. My girls are 8 & 7 and it's hard work. But when you see them first thing in a morning when they've just woken up or their snuggled up fast asleep in their beds it's worth every minute of the strain we go through. It also makes us appreciate our mums even more as well.



You ever need to chat, just message me, add me as a friend. Take care xxxx

Tara - posted on 04/25/2009

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Amanda i found out i was clinicly depressed 2 years ago I went through the process councelling the whole bit and things can still be hard but between understanding that depression is an illness and treating it, I have managed to realize alot about myself and trust that it is really true that you cant be any good for others if you arent healthy.....can you imagine what it would feel like to wake up in the morning and just breath?......I mean really breath....the kind of breath that doesnt hurt.... you can do it it is possible.



Be safe and hold on to your love for your son.....my thoughts and prayers are with you

Karin - posted on 03/31/2009

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Amanda, Depression is one of the hardest things to deal with. I have been dealing with my personal depression since i was in my teens. There is a very lengthy history of depression in my family on my mothers side. HOWEVER, it gets easier with each generation bc the medical community has finally recognized depression in its various forms as a problem for people Not just "the blues". Now it is much easier to talk to a dr. about your symptoms, and many meds are available.

I have suicidal thoughts when I have had to be off my meds (during pregnancy and breastfeeding) That was a person decision not medical. I take Prozac and have since around 16yrs old. There is a generic for it Fluoxetine. Different pharacies may charge different prices. I get mine from Watmart and they are cheap in my opinion. You can go online and take a self test that makes it easier to talk to a Dr. www.lessons4living.com/depression_test2.htm

It is very frusterating to know that something is wrong and not have the will to talk to a professional. I had the hardest time talking to a dr. bc i was afraid he would think i was full of crap and wanted attention or would think it was teenage hormones or something. I had to self diagnose due to having a step mother that didn't believe me, a father that was only present physically not one i could talk to, and a mother that did not have custody of me due to her own drepression and substance abuse. I took a self test and went to a NEW dr (after turning 18) that i had never seen so there was no previous history. It went very well obviously. I have changed states and dr.s since then and I walked in and told him I have depression and this is what i take for it i need a prescription written. He asked me a few question most important being....Are you suicidal or homicidal? I answered YES! suicidal and that was the end of the discussion. He wrote my prescription.

Also, just to let you know something i deal with during season changes... my dosage changes ... during the summer i take 40 mg daily and in the winter i take 60mg daily. My depression is directly effected by the amout of sunlight i get. Don't get me wrong i don't go tanning or baking in the sun bc i take care of my skin. BUT, there was a time that i did do that and it helped. It just didn't make sence to me to take depression meds to keep me from commiting suicide only to die from skin cancer.

I have gone to a councelor and my minister when i feel that i need someone to take to for impartial advice.

One thing i know is there is no one else better than me to help my kids (ages 3 and 6)

deal with depression IF the need arises!! And i can't do it if i am not here for them.

Please find a way to get to a dr to get back on meds for your depression. Maybe, not the same med but you definitely need to take something. Life can be and is so much better!! Best of Luck and support is here for you!

Amy - posted on 03/29/2009

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Asking for help is one of the hardest things I have ever done but it is also the best thing you can do for yourself and your son. Every time I start to think that way, I think about my son 15-20 years from now, thinking that he is the reason I killed myself. No way I can do that to him, so I find another way to cope. Talk to your doctor (even your son's pediatrician, if you don't have a doctor) about getting a prescription for a generic, then go to Wal-Mart to get it filled for $4. I am lucky enough to have insurance, but that is a better price than my co-pay. When it gets really bad, think of your favorite picture of your son- laughing, sleeping, whatever is your favorite- and remember there is no one he loves like he loves you.

Tesha - posted on 03/20/2009

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You owe it to yourself and your son to get the help you need. There are medications out there that will allow you to lead a completly deppresion free life and the quality of difference will amaze you. Reach out and get the help you so deserve

Michelle - posted on 03/09/2009

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Well i can tell you right now that you will be a failure if you think u should take your life!!! and if you don't want your son to grow up having the same issues as you..that should be a big enough push to get yourself to get help!!!!!!! I know i don't no you and i'm not saying this to hurt yo in anyway!!!!!!!! but only to try and help you see that great things can happen to everyone!!!!! it won't happen fast!!! but you have someone there right now that loves u, and needs you!!!! you just need to stand in front of the mirrior and take a good look at yourself, and tell yourself what you need to do to get help and get better. you know what you need to do.. and as for u not noing what you want out of life, you will not ever know until you get up and get help, for u and your son. that is the only thing u need to do right now. cause once you've done that everything will be so much easier!!!!!!!!!!! I hope this helps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heather - posted on 03/03/2009

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Please get help, however you are able. Talk, write, paint, draw, exercise, read, watch a happy movie, go for a walk and just listen to nature, pick some flowers, spend quality time with your son...Keep thinking of tomorrow and make sure that you will be in it!

Much peace and love to you!

Jessica - posted on 03/02/2009

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amanda i know how u feel when my oldest son was born i though that i was a awful mother and have my son takin off of me. it also didn't help that i don't have a very supportive family. that made me feel so awful that there where days i can't be near him and i was being force to take care of him even tho i didn't want to because i thought i wasn't doing a good job. for 3 months it took me to even bond with my child emotionally. and now i can't think a day with out him. fearing the ur child will be come like you is so common with all of us that we wish our children don't have a mental health problem. i think when i go to groups and therpy i learn alittle of myself and i try to understand what is going on inside me how i want to control whats around me but can't so i have to accept witch is really hard on me and find other ways by using skills of what i learn to balance myself. if i sound confusing i'm sorry. but i do agree with the others try to get a hold of ur doc. go to therapy and be strong ur not failure. Your reaching out for help, that the best thing for you. cheer up and i hope for the best for you.

Coni - posted on 02/20/2009

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Amanda, you are not alone.  I have my days like that.  Especially yesterday.  If I didn't have my kids, I actually may have really done the job by now.  It is soooooo hard.  I worry that my oldest daughter will turn out to have the same probs (bipolar).    I am so up and down...like a roller coaster.  I am on meds which help a lot...I'm so sorry that you are unable to start medication right now.  I really hope that changes in the future.  Talking to others who understand helps me.  So many people just don't get it.  Please know that you are strong because you are still here.  You are taking care of your beautiful son.  You are doing more good for him than what you realize.  Hang in there! 

Amanda - posted on 01/30/2009

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Thanks to all of your support. I haven't been on here in a while. I haven't been back to my doctor either. But I intend on pushing myself to go.

Nancy - posted on 01/29/2009

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Amanda, I know I'm new to this forum; but I feel the need to reach out to you. I've struggled with mental illness since the birth of my fourth child. In 2006 I was hospitalized for bipolar disorder and have been fighting since then to find stability. I've been inpatient 6-7 times and in partial day programs 8 times. I've tried more meds than I care to mention. I have felt the way you have. I didn't know how to fix it. Then I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, panic disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder along with the bipolar. Well, that was what I needed to receive the help I needed so desperately. I found a psychiatrist who was not afraid to experiment with different med combinations and the right therapy for my needs. I can say I'm starting to have less thoughts of suicide. In one of the group therapies I was in a woman told us how devastating the suicide of her own father was for her and her children. I don't want to ever do that to my children. EVER! When I feel like checking-out I try to remember that woman. If I get in such a funk I can't get out of it I now choose to go to the emergency room rather than cutting myself. Please go to your local mental health center or to a psychiatrist. You need the correct diagnosis in order to get the appropriate help. Also, there are so many medications that meet specific mental health needs. Many are generic and much less expensive. In fact, our local Walmart and Stop and Shop fill many generics for $4 for 30 and $10 for 90. You can also ask for samples, especially if they are not sure it's going to work and you may need to change. If you have no insurance at all, can you apply for state medical assistance program? And, if you absolutely feel unsafe in any way, please go to the hospital! Our children need us even if we feel we're not good enough for them. They have an amazing capacity for love and compassion. And, they don't want any other mom but us. Love and Blessings to you on your journey.

Chelle - posted on 01/29/2009

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i know exacly how you feel but having been like this myself for so long i finally realised that i needed help i've had councillors n therapy n while they did work i needed something more, but what you need to do hun is try cos your son wont benefit from a loving mum which we all are just some of us find it harder. i had to make 1 of the hardest choices i've ever had to make by letting my kids go live with their dad cos i just cant do it, wish i had gotten the right help in the first place.xx

Kelly - posted on 01/28/2009

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Keep your chin up I know it's hard some days. If you are afraid of being on meds cause they cost to much there are programs out there that can get your meds for free or little cost to you. You can look on the website site www.needymeds.com and it list by drug the programs available. Usually you get the forms and take them to your doctor they fill out their part and that's it. I was on two programs when we first moved 4 years ago, we had no insurance and little income. My doctor at the time was awesome and knew about these programs. After the fact I discovered this website and have it bookmarked just in case I ever need it again. I was on it about a month ago cause my husband was facing a posible layoff and I wanted to see what was available. I'm bipolar and the idea of going off my meds is not an opinon I have or want. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

Claire - posted on 01/27/2009

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Hi Amanda, I know exactly how you feel! I even dreamt sometimes about it. The main thing that keeps me going are my children, why should my illness effect them. Luckily I have a very supportive doctor and she put me in a course of CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) it has changed my life. If your doctor can't get it for you than go on amazon and find a book. Look it up on the internet. But most importantly know that there is at least one person in this world that you need to do this for....YOU. You deserve better than this everyday. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will reach it, hold on hun. XXXX

Nikki - posted on 01/27/2009

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Amanda, I have felt like you many times and thankfully I was diagnosed properly after pushing for it and now Im on the right meds. Does your Dr know you cant afford the meds? Do you live in Canada or the US? Have you thought about counselling? I started almost a year ago and Im glad I did it gives me a chance to vent and talk about how Im feeling and get some feedback and advice etc. I know you worry about not being a good Mom we all do whether we have a mental illness or not but you are the only one who can take the best care of your son, he is a beautiful little boy who loves you unconditionally no matter what!!!  Your son will not grow up like you in the way you think, yes mental illness can be passed on genetically but not by the way you raise him...I think by looking at your picture he looks like he is taken care of!! Do you have any family or friends that can be a support to you? I do think it would be a good decision to talk with your Dr and let him know how your feeling, push to get a proper diagnosis and discuss with him your unable to pay for medication that is expensive. Please know that you can come here anytime and the ladies are sooooo supportive...please dont feel your life in not worth living...your worth it to your son and to your family and friends and to all of us...take care of yourself and please let us know what happens!! (((((HUGS)))))

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