Mae-Alice - posted on 05/19/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )
I don't know what to do anymore.
I've been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and extreme anxiety since I was very young.
Lately it's like I'm not myself at all.
I'm three different people.
I'm the agoraphobe who is afraid to even open the windows.
Then I'm the crazy bitch who tells my boyfriend I hate him and other awful things.
Then I'm the stir crazy girl who can only get happy if I'm out spending money.
My moods have always been awful,
but this is a new low for me.
I cannot control them at all.
I scare myself.
I've never had them under control unless I was on meds,
but I went off my meds about two years back.
I thought it was the best decision for me at the time.
Now I'm thinking I might go back on them.
Start seeing a therapist and psychiatrist again.
I'm just so afraid.
I don't want to become a zombie who doens't know how to show her own daughter love.
She's only 3 months old, but she needs to know that I love her more anything even now.
I wasn't shown affection as child.
I wasn't held by mother until I was over a year old.
One month after I turned five my younger brother was born,
and I became his mother as well as my own.
I don't want to be like my mother.
I can't sleep anymore.
I eat myself into a ditch because I'm depressed.
I'm crying constantly.
My boyfriend thinks it might be PPD,
but isn't it too late for that?
I thought that was something that came right after you had the baby?
I just need someone to talk to.
Someone who understands what I'm going through.
Unfortunately no one I know has gone through this.
No one I know has my disorder.
just let me know I'm not alone.
Let me know I can still love and care for my daughter the way she needs to be.
I'm sorry this is quite long.
I really help it.