Things have not been going very well.....

Niki - posted on 05/27/2009

Mae-Alice~
Like Shannon, I too found that reading your post was like peering into myself a couple of months back. I was scared my baby wouldn't love me because I couldn't figure out how to love her. I say mean and hurtful things to the people I love most and spend hella money trying to make myself feel better about what I have done, or to just get away from the house. It happens alot, to all different types of people, and for you, if you didn't have these symptoms before, could quite possibly be PPD, I would see a dr. straight away. I did, and saw a therapist and am now on Zoloft and Abilify (I was bipolar before my pregnancy, I was just afraid of the diagnosis) and I feel SO much better now. I still have days that are bad where I almost walk out of work cause i can't handle it, but it's getting better. And as far as my relationship with my daughter, she is just a year old, but just being with her and spending time has taught her (and I) that i love her more than anything, even if I need a break from her every once and a while (THAK YOU MOM!) Take carem and know that you are not alone and it can get better and easier. Love to you and yours.

Monique - posted on 05/20/2009

I know exactly what you are going through hun, 5 yrs ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar, severe panic disorder, schizoaffective disorder and mixed personality disorder ( which in itself is hard enough, what it means is that I have a combination of several personality disorders). I started seeing a psychiatrist right away, but the meds landed me in a psych ward with a baby girl of only 18mths!! Finally I got on the right track with meds then all of a sudden I was pregnant with my second daughter! After her I started taking my meds again but with several others added. Then I decided I wanted another baby and had to be weaned off my meds which was hell on earth for me. But I had my baby boy in November of 2007! He was beautiful and perfect unfortunately I wasn't. I ended up in 2 different psych wards within a month because I attempted suicide twice. They then figured out on top of my many "normal" mental issues I also had PPD!! So, they tweeked my meds added another antidepressant and an antipsychotic to the mix and finally after all of that I'm stable for once. I went back to school and am doing great!! I'm halfway through already and I'm extremely happy and proud of myself. I have plenty of interaction with my children and they know how much I love and care for them as I tell them and show them as much as possible. I think the idea of going back on your meds is a great step for you. You need to have your mental state controlled in order to be the best mother for your precious little girl!! Please hang in there and like it was said before she loves you unconditionally you are all she knows right now. And she needs you so much, you owe her to be the best for you and her. Please talk to a psychiatrist and get the help you are needing. PPD can come on at any time, mine started when my son was 3 mths old and continued for monthes gradually getting worse all the time. Take care and much love for you. Stay strong!!



Monique

Shannon - posted on 05/20/2009

You are not alone. Reading what you wrote was like looking into a mirror. It is a hard scary place to be and I feel that the world is against me. I have 3 boys. It was almost impossible to cope when they were younger. The only thing that got me through it was the love I had for my children.



I still avoid going out much. I HATE open windows. The idea of someone looking into my house makes my heart pound. My husband, the poor man, is frequently verbally attacked by me.



It is easier somewhat now because my kids are older. Ive came to realize that I am who I am and I can not control the people around me. I really don't trust anyone except my children. Dont be afraid, you know that you don't want to become your mother, just as I don't want to become mine. Just having that knowledge makes you aware that what she did was wrong and aware of what needs to change. I didn't even realize it at first. I swore I didn't want to become her. It was always on my mind from the moment my first son was born. Looking back now, when something came up, the first thing I thought of was how can I do this different then she would. At the time it was an unconscious thought that I didn't realize that I was doing. In a lot of ways I go out of the way to make sure my boys know I love them. Im sort of obsesive about telling them I love them several times a day. I constantly touch, hug, and kiss them. Im sure they find it annoying at times, esp my teenager.



If your bf is referring to post postpartum. Yes it can be possible. It doesn't start off that strong. You may not even be aware of anything different. I didn't even realize I had suffered from it after my 1st child until years later. Your hormones are constantly changing and trying to level out. I was once told it takes you 40 weeks to make a baby and it takes 40 weeks to unpregnant, to return to how you were before. Talk to your dr. If left unchecked it can get worse.



One thing that I have found is to keep a journal. Write everything, and I mean everything that you are feeling and thinking in it. Even if you think it is stupid. At that moment it has meaning to you therefore making it important. It is a form of letting out the emotions. Its a way to release everything that if left inside can boil to an ugly outburst.



You can still love and care for your daughter. That bond is unbreakable. Her love for you is unconditional and she will love you no matter what.