Troubling Thoughts

Lisamarie - posted on 06/21/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hello all!! I've read a few stories, and though its hard to hear that many people are going through some of the same problem I am, I'm relieved.



I can't really remember when my negative thoughts about my life started, but I'm sure it was around the time my parents split up. Then it got worse after some dramatic experiences when I was about 14. Then when I got pregnant at 17, I started to think about suicide. Then it got worse after my son was born. He was a sick baby, and very hard to deal with, which didn't make my mental state any better. I started to feel alone. I got very depressed. Everything was always dark inside.



My absolute break down was when my son wasn't even 6 months, I found out I was pregnant again. I couldn't take my first that well, so I was left with a troubling decision. One of the biggest mistakes of my life, I had an abortion. It was the end of me. I absolutly hated my son's father, blamed him for everything. Began to have very violent thoughts towards everyone around me. Through the next year, I would put self efflict pain to my soul, because I believed I deserved nothing better. I broke my son's father's heart, and left him. We got back together a year later, and even though I was pregnant by another man, he took me back. Raises my youngest son as his own. IT was hard for him at first of coarse, but we made it.



I truely have him to thank. He makes me feel like I am worth every treasure on this planet, and more. We now have a little girl together too.



My current situation is that I have been brought to become a stay at home mother. A career life was always in my blood, but no job made me happy. Everything I get, never makes me happy. I cannot stay focussed on one thing long enough to finish. I was almost done with hair school, which is my dream, and they kicked me out, because of money. So, I've begun to feel a little depressed, well more than a little.



I find myself with absolutely no patience with my children. My youngest son seems to have some of his own mental issues. He bangs his head on the walls during tantrums. The only way to keep him happy is to have him get whatever he wants when he wants, and I will not let my children run my life. So of coarse, causes conflict between us. So daily I am fighting my mental status and his at the same time. I constantly try to remind myself that he is a just a child, he doesn't know better. He's a little behind in speech, and learning development. His little sister is starting to over pass him.



I love my children to death, I really do. I believe they make me stronger. I know I make my mistakes. Sometimes, I admitt, I will lose my temper, and I swear I black out when I do, when I do I break down in tears. Now don't misunderstand I don't leave bruises or anything of that nature. I just hate seeing them cry. I do not like to spank, my parents didn't do it to me, so I am constantly feeling guilty when I do it. I try my best to go outside and try to have fun with them all. Just everytime, my younger son seems to find a reason to throw himself on the ground and scream. UGG!!! It's very frustrating. So I stay in the house now. All day. Everyday. I clean, I cook. I do eberything a mom should do. And everyday I struggle not to throw myself out my bedroom window, or throw back a bottle of pills. I do not have insurance, and I honestly do not want to get medicated up. I feel I should be stronger than pills. I tried Zantac after my 2nd, when my doc said I was depressed. It really didnt help. I'm just too scared that I am going to start using it and then get depending on them. Ya know? My therapy is writing and drawing. It helps most of the time.



Well, I wanted to share my story. I know this was really long, but if you few read it all, thank you so much. I'm home all day, so it would be nice to chat with some women who go through the same things. Thanks again, and God bless!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Hey there,

I think you should find a way to talk to a therapist or a psychiatrist. I know you don't want to be medicated but do you really want to hurt yourself or actually go further then that? Medications don't have to make you feel like a zombie, and if they do they are the wrong ones or the dose is too strong. There is nothing wrong with taking pills to stabilize your moods or to end your dark thoughts, or whatever reason you and doctors decide to do it for.

I am a stay at home mom, I WAS A HAIRSTYLIST for 15 years before having kids and staying home. It was very hard to make the switch.( from working to staying home even though it was my deam) I loved my job, or better yet I loved my time away from home( I now realize how free I was before my kids came along). Please believe me when I tell you that you are not missing out by not becoming a hairstylist or by staying at home with your kids.

Like I said I did it for 15 years, I loved it, but it never loved me back. I was in a different job every year. It was a triumph when I made it 3 years at 1 place... sad huh? I wanted to make people happy, thats why I did hair. The best feeling was making a crabby @$$ look good and leave wih a smile on thier face, believe me most of them (clients) are this way when you first start out, because your prices are lower, and you cannot yet see through their facade. They also give awful tips and drain your energy with their negativity. ( after 3 times hearing the same complaints you get the picture...this person just likes to b!tch and complain). You were in school, you know what I'm talkin about. Also I need to tell you IT IS A SALES JOB!!. You must sell yourself and your services as well as those products that you can't remember what they do.

Anyway. I don't want to diagnose, I am not a doctor. (If you want to get my opinion, then post again, I'll take silence as a no) But I think you and I have alot in common, probably not age as I am 35. But I have suffered my entire life too. I just got help and I feel a big difference, not yet happy, but no longer suicidal or as evil. I did it for my kids and found out it was good for everyone in my life. The beginning was so boring an all about cleaning and cooking... bla bla bla. But please play with your kids, give em more attention and maybe they won't try so hard to get your attention. I AM NOT JUDGING YOU! I was there, just a few weeks ago I was not spending time with my daughter(2) and she was acting up, and I starting spanking her and getting SO mad. I even put a lock on her door to keep her in her room. Then one day it clicked... she just wants to play. I am her rolemodel, and If I scream and cry, then she does. Think of your kids as mirrors for you. You are probably showing them the same behaviors you don't like about yourself. You can always scrub those floors in a few years.. for now just sweep em and quikly mop em. Dust.. I think it helps keep my kids from being overly sensitive to allergens by being exposed to them. I do dust, just not everyday. No white gloves here!!Ha HA HA! You said you were brought up to be a stay at home mom. I'm guessing that means your mom stayed home, which I'm guessing means she was alot like you are now. Can you talk to her honestly and openly about her life with you, that could help open the doors to happiness.

Wow, this is getting very long.

Remember you are not alone.

Good Luck,

:) Robyn:)

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4 Comments

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Lisamarie - posted on 06/27/2009

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Yea my brother has bipolar, and he is way crazier than me. He's also an alcoholic too, but he has a sweet heart. He is one of my favorite people, but don't tell him that..lol. Ye ait runs in my family so I wouldn't doubt that i have it. Who knows. Well I am taking the asvab to go to the navy. I have to score a 50 or higher.. the last time I took it I missed it by 5 points. I need the insurance. It will help out with a lot of other issues as well.



I'm going to wait until next year when all my kids are in school to finish school. There aren't any salons here that does apprentiships. At least I don't think so.



Well I will look for your friend request. Thanks again for everything!! take care

[deleted account]

Ok, My mom also worked 2 jobs maybe even 3 while I was growing up. I don't know how she did it.

I have just starte htinking aboput the lock on her door...because she started peeing on the floor...OMG LOL!!! How ironic it's soooo similar.



Have you looked into doing an apprenticeship. You actually get paid to learn the trade in a real salon. It takes alot longer and you still go to scool part of the time. Where do you live? I live in Wiconsin, so it's all I know about. I also have a friend who is a salon owner, I may be able to ask her some questions. She is quite knowledgeable about this because she has had a few apprentices. It is worth a look.



Now... diagnosing.... well I'll just say that in march they (My doctors) decided I am Bipolar1. Alot of he things that put me in that catagory are MAJOR MOOD SWINGS... which basically is what bipolar means (opposite ends of the spectrum), IRRATIONAL DECISIONS (like leaving a job because "I don't need this shit, I rock and another salon would love me!") (Even if it's totally true, nobody wants that attitude in their shop right?)Blaming everyone else is also one of my issues. I have been dubbed the queen of excuses since high school! ANGER is huge with me although if you asked me I'd say i was the nicest person around.. i don't mean to be mean, it just happens, kinda like a second personality. Happiness has been lost in my life for the past 20 years at least. You could give me everything I ask for and more, and I will still be unhappy about it.



Anyway bla ba bla. I can go on&on. Bipolar is nothing to be afraid of. Hurting yourself is! Go online a search bipolar disorder...keep and open mind cuz there is alot of quacky stuff out there like nutters institute and bonkers something or other. But crazymeds.com is a great start. it's a meds website, and NOT for chatting like this, but it has ALOT of info about meds and some natural stuff too...also alotof stuff about finances.. as most people suffering "brain cooties" as they call it, are unable to work or hold a job if they are able to work. You probably have to register, but it's cool..Iswear. And it's not just bipolar, it is all "flavors" of "mentally interesting". Just read everything you have time for as often as you can. You will eventually get some idea where you fit, some idea of meds you might wanna try, and best of all some comfort that you are not alone and some really "crazy" people are just you and me and everyone else with a different issue. I'm gonna request you as a friend so we can stay in touch. Good Luck Girl. Go for you dreams, it's really all anyone has right?

Lisamarie - posted on 06/25/2009

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Wow! Thank you so much! You are alot like me. Everything you have mentioned I have done too. I do not lock the doors of my kids rooms anymore, b/c they started to pee all over my carpets, and not I have to replace them.



I know kids are mirrors, they do act the way I do when I am upset. I see it all the time. Its why this issue is so big with me. Cause I want to be better.



I meant that I wasn't made to be a stay at home mom. I loved doing hair at school. Yes people were tough to deal with, you can imagine being one of the only white girls in a hair school that seemed to be meant for black hair, b/c all we had were black clients..lol.. I'm not saying I didn't like it, It were the client that would have an attitude just b/c they got me. My very first client in school was an old grumpy black woman, she was so mean, I cried...lol.. but in the end she gave me a nice tip..haha. But those were few people like that. I'm very skilled especially with designing hair, so when people gave me that"oh no, not her" look, I'd do more to impress them. My problem was that I am very slow. People always complained that I took too long, which in the end gave me less tips. Oh well.



Anyways like I was saying, I wasn't made to be a stay at home mom. My mom worked 2 jobs growing up. She is almost 55 and still works 5 days a week. Even though it hurts she still works. I'm at my best when I work, especially with my kids. I feel suffocated very easily.. then I get irritated, and so on and so on. I do want to see a therepist, but I have no insurance any more.



In the mean time, I just try to stay relaxed.



Thank you so much, I think you have been the most helpful. You can diagnose me if you like..lol. I don't mind. I'm not an uptight person. I take advise and critisim well.

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