Lisamarie - posted on 06/21/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )
Hello all!! I've read a few stories, and though its hard to hear that many people are going through some of the same problem I am, I'm relieved.
I can't really remember when my negative thoughts about my life started, but I'm sure it was around the time my parents split up. Then it got worse after some dramatic experiences when I was about 14. Then when I got pregnant at 17, I started to think about suicide. Then it got worse after my son was born. He was a sick baby, and very hard to deal with, which didn't make my mental state any better. I started to feel alone. I got very depressed. Everything was always dark inside.
My absolute break down was when my son wasn't even 6 months, I found out I was pregnant again. I couldn't take my first that well, so I was left with a troubling decision. One of the biggest mistakes of my life, I had an abortion. It was the end of me. I absolutly hated my son's father, blamed him for everything. Began to have very violent thoughts towards everyone around me. Through the next year, I would put self efflict pain to my soul, because I believed I deserved nothing better. I broke my son's father's heart, and left him. We got back together a year later, and even though I was pregnant by another man, he took me back. Raises my youngest son as his own. IT was hard for him at first of coarse, but we made it.
I truely have him to thank. He makes me feel like I am worth every treasure on this planet, and more. We now have a little girl together too.
My current situation is that I have been brought to become a stay at home mother. A career life was always in my blood, but no job made me happy. Everything I get, never makes me happy. I cannot stay focussed on one thing long enough to finish. I was almost done with hair school, which is my dream, and they kicked me out, because of money. So, I've begun to feel a little depressed, well more than a little.
I find myself with absolutely no patience with my children. My youngest son seems to have some of his own mental issues. He bangs his head on the walls during tantrums. The only way to keep him happy is to have him get whatever he wants when he wants, and I will not let my children run my life. So of coarse, causes conflict between us. So daily I am fighting my mental status and his at the same time. I constantly try to remind myself that he is a just a child, he doesn't know better. He's a little behind in speech, and learning development. His little sister is starting to over pass him.
I love my children to death, I really do. I believe they make me stronger. I know I make my mistakes. Sometimes, I admitt, I will lose my temper, and I swear I black out when I do, when I do I break down in tears. Now don't misunderstand I don't leave bruises or anything of that nature. I just hate seeing them cry. I do not like to spank, my parents didn't do it to me, so I am constantly feeling guilty when I do it. I try my best to go outside and try to have fun with them all. Just everytime, my younger son seems to find a reason to throw himself on the ground and scream. UGG!!! It's very frustrating. So I stay in the house now. All day. Everyday. I clean, I cook. I do eberything a mom should do. And everyday I struggle not to throw myself out my bedroom window, or throw back a bottle of pills. I do not have insurance, and I honestly do not want to get medicated up. I feel I should be stronger than pills. I tried Zantac after my 2nd, when my doc said I was depressed. It really didnt help. I'm just too scared that I am going to start using it and then get depending on them. Ya know? My therapy is writing and drawing. It helps most of the time.
Well, I wanted to share my story. I know this was really long, but if you few read it all, thank you so much. I'm home all day, so it would be nice to chat with some women who go through the same things. Thanks again, and God bless!