Lisa - posted on 08/20/2011 ( 29 moms have responded )
I am in a horrible spot (self-induced) and am hoping to get a bit of advice (but, please be kind...I feel just so horrible - nothing to do with infidelity though).
My husband is one of the 22 soldiers who deployed in March with the Oklahoma group to Afghanistan. They are in a very remote spot there - no running water for showers, no internet, no cell service ... so I rarely hear from him except when he makes it over to the only public space where he has access to call/email. His combat outpost is constantly shut down to outside communication because so many of our men keep getting killed there (8 in the last two months).
So, my mistake is this: I bought a car without telling him first. Stupid thing to do.
I emailed him the night that I bought it and told him - he emailed me back the next day (yesterday) and was completely LIVID.
A little history: we used to be in debt, but worked hard at getting out of it. We now have no credit cards, no car payments, etc. We've paid for our cars with cash and thus didn't always get the most reliable things....nor the most practical. I am a car-girl, always have been. Love them! So, I would personally have the hardest time driving a clunker that could fall apart. Anyway - my last car was a 1997 BMW in good condition, but was starting to need a lot of work.....at least $1500 coming up soon. Plus, it was awful in the snow and couldn't even make it up my steep driveway when the snow was bad. However, my husband said that he did not want me to get a different car - he just wanted to keep fixing this one, I guess. In fact, he never really gave me an answer on what to do, only that he did NOT want me to finance something else. We hadn't talked about it in a while - I try not to bring up finances, issues at home, etc. while he is deployed - especially since we have so little time to talk and I never know when that will be. I've no other means of contacting him except through email and often those do not get read for days....especially when all communication keeps getting shut down.
Because I am a car girl - I made a decision to find one that is more reliable, is NOT one of my German money-pits (Mercedes, BMW, Saab....I've had them all), and that won't need to be in the shop so often. I do not have any family nearby, nor do my friends live close - therefore, no one is around to help schlep me about if my car is being worked on. Our income level is finally at a place where we could afford a car payment, so I made the stupid decision to finance a car without his knowledge. Yes, the car is very nice, but I looked around for weeks prior to purchasing - it is used, but in excellent condition. I even got a 3 year warranty that covers any issue at all that goes wrong.
That was on Thursday.... he read my emails yesterday and wrote a very nasty, angry one back. I do not blame him for be angry, but just hate when his words are so cutting. He also wants me to take the car back. But, I've already sold my BMW to a friend and would have no means of transport.
Why did I make this dumb decision?? I am so disappointed in myself. Part of me thinks that I did it so he would pay attention to me (it doesn't feel like that is true, but would make sense); did I do it because I really was afraid to drive my car in the winter here and would often get stuck in a snow bank on the side of our driveway?; why? :(
I'm not a malicious person and would not do something to specifically hurt him ever - but, apparently I have.
I just need some thoughts/ideas on what to do next. I'm so conflicted and so disappointed in myself. I want a reliable nice car, but not if my marriage will fall apart over it.
If anyone does respond, please do so with kindness. I am in a fragile spot and couldn't take someone being really mean over this right now.....