caught my husband cheating while on deployment.

Tah - posted on 12/23/2012

I will be closing old threads, if someone wasn't to start a new thread on the issue, feel free..


Thank you..

Jasmine - posted on 12/16/2012

Hi I read your story and I'm sorry for what your going threw

Jasmine - posted on 12/16/2012

Luksrhdg

Melissa - posted on 06/28/2012

Crystal, it's not actually punishable with jail time. There are a few options that could happen if there is an investigation that can prove what happened... the soldier can get a field grade or Company grade Article 15 which is punishable with 45-60 days extra duty and loss of pay for 4-6 months, the soldier can be immediately kicked out of the service, they can be chaptered out or they can be barred from re-enlistment, which means they just finish their contract and then ETS. I know all of this because I recently went through this process. Army takes this stuff very seriously, and disciplinary action can only be taken if there is an investigation into the situation and an extra-marital affair can be proved.

Lisa - posted on 06/28/2012

you can go to the Airman and Family Rediness Center to talk with the couselors and as long as there is no physical or emotional abuse or violence tendencies towards himself or anyone else it is completely confidential. We went to them and it really helped us learn to communicate again and you can go together or seperately.

Crystal - posted on 05/16/2012

I have to ask, How did you get your husban to go to therapy? Being in the military that is punishable by jail time for cheating. Mine did and doesnt even like me talking to other people about it cause he doesnt want to get into trouble. basically says you screw me youll get screwed. Its been two years and im still not trusting. this sucks

Gina - posted on 10/11/2011

Anyone who acts like they would leave if it happened to them is full of crap! Most people I know who have been cheated on usually do stay and try to work things out. At first you are not going to trust him but it is possible to re-gain that trust, as long as you don't find anything else out. It will be a long process but it can be done. Besides this incindent was online, not in real life. I'm not saying that makes it better or easier but it could have had a worse outcome. I wish you the best of luck.

Tiffany - posted on 10/05/2011

Just curious, why would he cheat on FB where you could see it? Or was it through private messages? Anyway, see why he's cheating. Was it just because he was lonely? If so, ask him why he didn't go to you. Has he slept with the other woman? If so, I'd get a legal separation. I would suggest marital counseling before just signing up for a divorce. That is, if HE still wants to keep the marriage. If he's 'in love with' her or 'out of love' with you, then just do it. I hate to say that, because I've had to fight for my marriage a few times in the almost 7yrs we've been together, and I really don't feel marriage is something that should just be thrown away like an old soiled diaper... However, both spouses must be willing to fight for the marriage, AND forgiveness must happen too. It might take a while for forgiveness to happen for him, and he might be antsy for you to just get over it, but your heart needs to heal before your marriage can truly be restored.

Crystal - posted on 09/30/2011

I would tred very carefully and keep a close eye. But honestly, if the trust isnt there after such a short time i would re evaluate the situation. really. Ive been here before, and its not pretty. So please make dang sure hes worth all the effort thats to come

Majorshadow - posted on 02/12/2011

Song Title: What did I do
Subject: R& B song about infidelity. The lyrics also address the new tinsel town bogus "sex addict" cop-out. Video is the lyric sheet synchronized to the audio recording.
Video URL:

Sandra - posted on 01/23/2011

Amber was he been a total jerk with you as well, or tell how did you to work out your problem

Sandra - posted on 01/23/2011

how do i deal with this problem i need help

Sandra - posted on 01/23/2011

I have been married to my husband for 3 years have been dating for 9years We never fought never did get into huge arguments he has been deployed many of times just before he went to Japan i found him talking to someone online I confronted him about it he apologized and wanted to give it a try to our relationship he wanted to work it out and cried to me told me he loved me and to work things out, We did a month later he went to Japan and I stayed her waited for him to come home and my love for him never did fade away, Just this last week of december I found out he was talking to his exgirlfriend I confronted him about it he didnt know what to say so he admited he had been talking to her for a while and said she never knew anything about me or that i was expecting, he cried and said he wanted to work out our family said he didnt know what was going and was crying saying he had lost feelings lost caring, faith religion, and hope that he needed help and to please try to work it out even if we had to go through counseling, so I said yes but, after i insisted for him to call her he got so upset and mad, he finally did but after that he didnt want to work things out instead a week later he brought me divorce paper work which really pist me off, so I kicked him out of my home and told him i dont need the stress in my life at this point, ever since he has been a total jerk with me pretty much wants nothing to do with the fact that we are having a baby, I hate to be dealing through this on my own and he doesnt even care, I am so confused hurt and shocked as to everyone thought we were the perfect couple, and so did I, how can someone be so cold hearted and just be a complete JERK I am moving to TX with my family I have no one else here and he doesn't seem to care,!! I cant call his work cause I have no evidence of adultery All i have the girls phone number which she said she doesnt talk to him and that his crazy saying for her to die, i guess they had stopped talking a few mnths ago and lied to her said he was going to iraq again. How can someone just not want nothing to do with a baby we both had planned! I ask god for guidance every day but so far I feel like if i am been unheard! I get desperate, depressed and lonely and cry myself to sleep!

Cecilia - posted on 11/04/2009

Let's just say I know how things can be. You need to think of why you two got married, why did he marry you. If you were in love it was a choice not just a feeling that fades. Love is unconditional. Trust is very important in any relationship and it is hard to trust anyone now a days but even harder knowing that trust has been breached. He needs to know that to you even thinking of another women in an intimate way(whether sharing intimate details or physically) is cheating to you and if he really loves you he would understand that. I'm not sure how religious you are but I would suggest to try watching Fireproof with him. It's sappy but the message to stop being selfish and think of the other person in your daily decisions, etc. are really there and have helped my husband and I understand things in a new light. If you really feel he loves you perhaps he's just not understanding what it takes to love you. I feel like I'm saying what he did was okay and it wasn't, but you chose to love him for better OR worse not just when things are good. Consider this a season in life and it will pass and bring something better. Just remember some seasons last longer than others and they are not easy to get through.

Natasha - posted on 11/04/2009

I would say get rid of him. There are far better guys out there. If he loved you as much as you love him he wouldn't be doing this to you. It isn't your fault he cheated, it is his. And if you cannot trust him at home when he gets on that ship it is going to drive you insane. Deployments are not easy to deal with. I have been married for 5 years and pregnant with our second child and he deploys again here next month. But all I can say is give him an ultimatum. Either he gets his act together and gets his act together or you walk out and take the kids. it won't be easy but it would be better for you and your children in the long wrong if he doesn't make some sort of change.

Patricia - posted on 11/04/2009

I love him with all my heart. I'm just scared that if it happens again, I don't know if i could even live anymore, u know. He's done it twice and doesn't even regret it. Every time we talk about me being so paranoid and watching his every move and him cheating he always has ways to turn things around. Like I'm the one who made a mistake. He always changes the topic, trying to think of my flaws u know. Like him blaming me for getting pregnant the 2nd time and so on. In the end i just end up shutting up coz the more i talk the more i start to hate him coz of what he says. He says very harsh things when he's mad. But somehow i know he loves me. I'm just not sure if he's contented and satisfied with just me in his life.

Cherish - posted on 11/04/2009

Here's the thing. It's not all black and white like some people make it seem. If you love him, really love him, you can make it work. But he has to know he can't give you the slightest inclination he will ever do it again. You now have the right to watch his every move (If you choose to stay with him, and he loves YOU enough to agree to it). He broke the trust between the two of you, and he should have to work every day to get it back. Having said that, I know how hard deployments are. My husband and I are both active duty Army and there is always going to be temptation. It's one thing to look at another person and to miss having sex. But if you actually cross the line, then why the hell did you get married? It's never a simple answer. But you have to do what is right in your heart.

Desiree - posted on 11/04/2009

ive never had my man cheat on me, but i would say this im sure u have 2 wonderful children but this is for u dont ever stay in a marriage bc of your children, they will be ok, u need to think about it and decide if it will be worth it, u kno no matter what u will be paranoid i wld, is that just gonna make the marriage worse or will things go back to normal, is it going to be worth it for you, itll hurt if you leave but as the saying goes time heals all wounds

Patricia - posted on 11/02/2009

I'm giving him another chance..but it's really hard. my husband is using an iphone...so practically everything is there. The 2nd time I caught him was on his YM..so it's not like i could delete it. It's really hard to trust him. I deleted his Facebook account and myspace. but still who knows if he just made a new account right? everytime his phone rings i have to ask who it was. bad thing is that ever since i caught him he deletes msges now.
I really wanna trust him again coz i know without my trust we'll just fight again and again. but he just won't give me a reason to trust him. He says he doesn't regret anything he did. so its like he has no effort to prove that he's worth trusting. To him i'm just the jealous paranoid wife who's making up stories that he's cheating..u know what i mean? But im trying my best right now..It's actually weird that im the one who's trying my best when he's the one who should be paying for what he did.

Tiffany - posted on 10/29/2009

I have had a hard time with my husband. I am older and much more mature than he and we've had many issues with this. Women online and in person, along with women from his past he wouldn't let go of. He'd say he wasn't talking to them, but our cell bill told other stories. He'd go on personals online through his internet on his cell phone when he went out in the field and had girls sending him nude pics and messages the whole time, then he'd try to see them in person when he got back telling me lies about where he was going and who he was with or when I'd go home which was out of state, that was his golden opportunity. I really have no trust in him, but I've decided to stay and work on our relationship. We've had marriage counseling together, he's went by himself and we went to a marriage retreat. I think time helps heal the past more than anything, but a couselor is a good road to follow. But in my experience, he'd go in there and lie to the therapist that was trying to help him. I'd have to call him out on it bc he is a compulsive liar. He's straightened up some now that he's deployed, but I still argue with him bc of the non trust I have for him, thinking that everything he tells me is just another lie. It's very difficult, but if you feel like you love him enough to forgive him, it can be overcome. I wish you the best, but just know that its gonna be a long hard road, no matter which path you choose.

Mercie - posted on 10/28/2009

TRUST is crucial specially in a long distance relationship.So if you can't trust him again then it would be wise to walk away and not look back. I think you need to get over this guy and move on with your life.However, if for some distant reason, you do really want to continue this relationship, you need to force yourself to understand that "the past is the past. It happened, and it can not be changed. The future is a path that we will walk together." If he truly loves you, he will not mess around with other girls online or in person.

Amber - posted on 10/27/2009

I know the feeling. As far as I know mine only cheated once but he and I did nothing but fight for a while. So, it really makes me wonder if he cheated more. I honestly did everything for him. Guys can really make you feel like you are worthless. I got pissed at mine and changed his cell phone number so his dumb little girlfriend couldnt talk to him. I also told her unit. I deleted all the numbers out of his phone too. I know its mean but it made me feel better.lol Do you think that its worth trying? I left my husband for a little bit and I think then he saw that I did do a lot for him. I think it also helped that a lot of the guys in the unit were telling him how dumb he was for treating me the way he was. I think we are ok right now but Im scared to death he will do it again if he gets deployed again.

I do know that he has to want to change and work on things before you could ever even try to start trusting him again. If you even think you could trust him. I hate that guys dont think what stuff like this does to the wives and their children. The guys can be such jerks. Im really sorry you are having to deal with this.

Patricia - posted on 10/27/2009

we fight almost everyday coz i really dont trust him anymore...it's really hard. especially when he's on his phone all day every second. it's hard not to doubt. u know..haaay...
guys just think with their dicks sometimes and not their heads...
it's hard too coz for me...i right now...i feel like im so useless....like im not worth anything..

Amber - posted on 10/27/2009

My husband and I just went through this. Its hard to say what you should do. I do know that its very hard to trust again. I find myself doubting him still. You both need to really talk about things.

Heather - posted on 10/25/2009

Girl this man is destroying you!! If he doesnt even feel bad about what he did he is a stupid jerk and you deserve so much better!!! I think you should leave him and get some counsling for yourself to build up your selfesteem because he has destroyed it! If he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong then you are wasting your time trying to make things work...

Patricia - posted on 10/24/2009

where in PI are u from? where's ur hubby at now?
Right now..God and my kids are all im holding on to..they are the ones making me feel like im worth something...not like what my hubby makes me feel..
My husband's not a bad person..he's nice and sweet its just that he's just prolly not contented with me...dunno y..but i guess im just gonna have to deal with it...if he cheats on me again...id prolly just be numb about it..i dunno..im thinking and talking weird...i dont make sense...sorry...its just hard to think..

Mercie - posted on 10/24/2009

OMG... i hope my hubby will remain faithful, he's also underway right now and my baby n i are here in PI. Patricia, have faith in God sometimes We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit.^-^

Patricia - posted on 10/24/2009

im not really sure. but i dont think they dont. if they did my husband is not up for those things. my husband denies that he cheated..he said he doesn't regret anything coa he didn't do anything wrong. i dont know y he'd like that..he doesn't talk or show feelings.. we could really use counseling my husband's just a kill joy

Nadine - posted on 10/24/2009

I don't know what it is like for the navy but my husband is in the Army and every couple of months the offer a family retreat. It is usually about 3 days, doesn't cost anything and you are staying at a hotel. The chaplin is holding classes on marriage and they also discuss subjects as deployment and cheating and forgiveness. During the classes they provide daycare and you really learn more about each other and you can ask the chaplin for some counceling. I think it is a great opportunity for everybody. Maybe they offer the same thing in the Navy. I wish you the best

Patricia - posted on 10/24/2009

Actually I first caught him flirting around online. September of last year. We were just married for 3 months that time. I didn't tell him that i caught him. I just let it go. Then he got deployed. When he has almost back. I caught him flirting around again. I had the feeling that i just had to check his facebook and there it was. Messages to different girls. Only this time he actually spent time with one of them and they talk on the phone or whatever. I forgave him for that..gave him a 2nd chance. Then, now...I caught him again. This time he sent a gift to the girl to the Philippines. He said its just his "BFF." Well from the messages that i read that's what they call each other. I'm so hurt coz our kids are in the Philippines and he couldn't even send anything to them..or me. He doesn't buy me anything or whatever. We're even having financial problems right now, paying bills and all. He messages this "BFF" all the time. going to the gym, after gym, every minute, and he's getting all sweet saying " what have you been doing? ur not msging..ur making me miss you...blah blah blah." he doens't even msg me if i've eaten lunch..or whatever. Like i said our kids are in the Philippines so I'm pretty much alone and doing nothing all the time.
I honestly dont know if i even care anymore. like im getting numb. My friend told me guys like attention. So im thinkin if i dont give him attention then he might stop looking for some else u know what i mean?
my head is just blank..i have no one to talk to since all my friends are so far. I dont have friends here yet..so yeah..i let it all out here.

Rebecca - posted on 10/24/2009

As someone who was the other women and didn't know it...once a cheater always a cheater. This guy too was also military. Showered me with praise, said he loved me, stayed out late with me, I was even at his place. It wasn't until we were together for over a month that i found out he was married. He has not changed since. We live close to eachother now. My fiance and I have been together for 4.5 years and we live on the same base as my "ex" and I do see him out and about flirting with the girls and such. His wife too found out about me after I broke it off...he didn't delete my cell number off the phone and she redialed. I todl her everything as i felt she had the right to know but she is still with him. They have 3 kids together and i doubt she will ever leave. From my experience with this type of "man" they wont change unless they truly want to and want it to work. If he did it again after giving him a second change i am truly sorry you had to indure the pain all over again. It sounds like he isn't ready to honestly settle down and grow up. It's sounds liek you are. You are being a strong women for your kids and you are doing what is needed for them. Don't lose sight of that. as it the same girl? How did you catch him again? How long has it been since the first time? These are all things you should cinsider before making a final decission that is right for you and your kids. You are a beautiful women who deserves so much more then what he is offering you. Follow your heart and you wont regret it. You only get to live life once, make the most of it and enjoy your kids.
Keep us posted.
Good luck with everything:)

Patricia - posted on 10/24/2009

honetsly dont know what to do anymore

Patricia - posted on 10/24/2009

i gave him a second chance already..and he did it again...

Oxalis - posted on 10/24/2009

I agree with Cassie, this is a very personal decision for u. You really got to reach in deep and see how you feel about him and the relationship. In my personal opnion everyone deserves a second chance, but it is yu that has to decide if he worthy of it or not. FYI maybe you should check with Family readiness program they have life consultants that can help you in your self reflection journey.

Patricia - posted on 10/24/2009

to the ladies who responded to this...

i caught him cheating again..and he even sent a gift to the girl...

it's true a leopard doesn't change its spots online its location!!
huhu

Sylvia - posted on 09/09/2009

Hello,

Here are some web-sites I did some personal reading from when everything happened with my husband:



http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/rebui...

http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/docs/...

http://www.essortment.com/lifestyle/surv...



God Bless

Sylvia - posted on 09/09/2009

Hello Patricia,

I am sorry that this has occurred in your marriage, the military (sad to say) breaks a lot of homes) and I am unaware of the type of unfaithfulness your husband committed. However my husband and I dated for 3 years and have been married since Dec 31-2008. I recently discovered that he has been committing emotional infidelity (which to mne is worse) through out our entire courtship.



Yes, trust is the foundation a marriage stands on and aside from the other issues my husband is dealing with, I will tell you (it's not easy) but if you and your husband decide that you want to make it work, it can work. I am a Navy veteran and there are things in which a man (even a good one) will be faced and tempted with.



I am not defending this behaior, just being realistic, marriage, deployment etc. can be very overwhelming and stressful on a man just like it is on us. There is alot of emotional turmoil that men do endure while having to be away from their families. Also as women (generally speaking) we have to make sure that we are doing all we can as well in our marriage and for our family.



When I confronted my husband and backed him in a corner he was finally honest with me about his past affairs and the reasons why. I discovered my husband had a lot of personal issues aside from the ones Iknew of that caused this behavior. I made the decision for my marriage and my spiritual beliefs to "try" anything that has bene broken can be fixed.



But this takes time and a big part is your husband being honest and open with you about what he feels, what he wants and what he may be dealing with on a personal internal level. You may not want to hear his reasons, but please be open to see what they are because you have to know what the issue is in order to fix it.



So first you have to make the decision if you want to save your marriage. I made the decision and my husband did too that his family was worth more and that he wanted to make this work. This mistake did not change my outlook of him as a person, nor did it deter me away from what he had done already for us and the family.



Men become weak just like anybodyelse, and as his wife I made the decision to be strong and stand beside him and we get through this together. I did not vow to stay until thyings got hard or the unthinkable happened, so I will honor those vows and in-turn strengthen my husband through his weakness and rebuild with him.



The trust will take some time, however it can be re-build, but I will not lie to you. It may not be the way it was because it has been broken. But with counseling, honesty, communication, strength etc. Your marriage can be saved. I wish you all the best and God be with you.

Beverly - posted on 09/08/2009

You really need to think about the kids...but not necessarily to stay with him for the kids because the kids can feel and sense the distrust, unforgiven issues, etc, It is not always best to stay for the kids. It is , on the other hand, best to stay or leave for all the reasons you can think of for YOU!! Unfortunately, men are weak and if he cheated once he will most likkely do it again, and again. It gets easier for him each time and he comes to depend and expect your forgiveness. Do you love him enoiugh to accept that for yourself? Think long and hard. You need to talk to God about this situation....pray!

Crystal - posted on 09/07/2009

I am currently right where you are=( We have been apart as well and he proposed when i came to vist. We got married a month later. The day after the wedding the girl he cheated on my with emailed me every detail of the affair. It hurst so bad. I have a one year old and we are supose to be moving to italy with him. But sh eworks with him! im going thru an emotional rollar coster. I dont trust him and dont knwo if i can save our marriage. Its scary isnt it? know ing the love of your life shared something so sacred with another women.... how are you coping?

Danielle - posted on 08/12/2009

Hi I just want to say that utimately the decision is yours to make. My husband was unfaithful to me. We ended up getting a divorce and then remarried 3 years later. He has changed dramatically and I give all the credit to God for helping both of us grow and mature. How important is your marriage to you? How important is your husband to you? Please don't make a decision if you are emotional. Perhaps it is good that you are seperated so that it will give you time to clear your head. One thing I learned after I found out my husband had been unfaithful was that I could not stop him from doing. So why was I obsessed or worried about him being unfaithful? I had to turn him over to God in prayer and He made the difference in our lives. I pray that you get through this.

Erin - posted on 08/12/2009

Wow, girl. I dont know what it is like to be cheated on by my hubby. We have been married for about a year and a helf now, and he has been deplyed 13 months of that. luckily he is coming home for good next week. I dont know what I would do if I caught him cheating. I really dont. I give it to you ladies who stay with him to make the marriage work. I came from a family who doesnt believe in divorce and so does he, but that never stopped either one of our parents from getting divorced. All I can say is try to make it work for the kids. Thats the only thing you can do is, TRY. I will pray that all things work out to the best. --Erin--

Kathleen - posted on 08/12/2009

This is a subject that is very sensitive for me. My ex cheated on me throughout our 25 year marriage. I am only speaking about my experience. I do beleive he loved me and the kids and I stayed because i had the luxury of not having to work to stay home and raise my kids. He was a long haul truck driver and gone alot. Anyway every time i found out and forgave him it just made it easier for him to do it the next time, and he did over and over. My kids were 23 and 21 when the marriage ended and he moved in with the girlfriend. Just remember a leopard doesn't change his spots just his location. If he does it once he will do it again. You think about what is right for you and your kids. I spent too many years married to someone who didn't deserve me. I am now married to a wonderful guy and i trust him completely although it took some time. I am proud of my soldier and love him very much. I know how you feel but you do whats best for you.

Angie - posted on 08/12/2009

Hello everyone, good luck with your decision Patricia. Its very hard being a military or navy wife it takes a very strong person in my opinion. I've been at it for 11 yrs and there are some days I'm ready to pack it in.

MARIA - posted on 08/02/2009

I hope things work out for you! Remember to put ur kids and ur self first before any man...I was cheated on by a guy (not my husband) twice so I strongly believe that once a cheater always a cheater!

Brandie - posted on 08/01/2009

I understand completely! It's so hard to give up the marriage and its so hard to stay in the marriage all at the same time. My husband had an affair when he was in tech school. He actually had it his last week there! I was so horrified at it... We had been married for a year and we had twins that were a year and a half old.. it was like he couldn't wait 4 days for me? He blamed it on the girl.. yea right like i believed that.. we worked through it and had some nasty fights about it but i gave him another chance and our marriage is going on strong today.. i don't trust him fully yet but it will come in time.. i know he loves me and it was a stupid mistake and he regrets it. he just has to prove to me that he wont ever do it again and that i am his wife and i am his only love... he's going to bedeployed soon and its going to be the hardest to trust him while he's gone but i can only hope for the best. i hope everything works out for you. its hard to trust after it happens but dont give up your true love for one stupid mistake.. noone is perfect

Melissa - posted on 08/01/2009

I am sorry to hear that, Patricia. I understand how you feel about not being able to just give that trust right back. Just continue to work on what little, if any, trust you have left. I had a similar experience, and I have found that since I have been working on myself, and making myself a better person, it is getting easier for me to slowly give that trust back. I hope that things work out for you, and I'll be thinking about you and pray that things are working out.

Cassie - posted on 08/01/2009

There is a book titled "After the Affair"....go get it!!

Patricia - posted on 08/01/2009

how do i know he wont lie to me again? if i do like what Amber did with her husband how can i be sure that he's not hiding another facebook or whatever account? coz even with that small thing, its like im trusting him to tell me the truth that he's not hiding something which is hard.

I'm only 20 and my husband is 22. im really trying by best to be mature about all of this. but sometimes. its really difficult i mean its not like i could break with him like a bf right. i wanna make this marriage work. not just for me but for the kids too.
its just really hard to trust him now. and frankly i dont know what to react when we see each other in person. i dont know if im gonna be happy or mad or what. i really missed him, but at the same time i hate him for what he did.

Patricia - posted on 07/31/2009

Wow! Thank you all for your responses. Yes i caught him doing it online but I'm not sure he didn't do it in person. I read a msg saying he was one of the guys that ask for her facebook account and he said he's happy they talked for 30 mins. He said a lotta things u know. So they prolly talked in person too. I love my husband so much. I really do. And i dont wanna give up our marriage just like that. And i think I am gona give him another chance. Ive never been so strict about him goin out with friends and all that. I guess he just has to deal with me being a bitch now. Coz I honestly can't trust him anymore. Every thing he could possibly do is going through my head. I just hope this works out.
Thanks for all your help.

Tangi - posted on 07/31/2009

It's extremely hard in situations like that. We are all human and have needs and we can't always be there for each other when you're seperated like that. To me online things can be bad but in person is even worse. If you love your husband and he's not physically cheating, I think you will pull through. I'm sure he loves you but, sometimes we can't talk to each other about everything. Try to find out what he's lacking and try to be understanding. Your kids need you both.