Cheating? Long winded. Don't know what to do...

Elizabeth - posted on 03/13/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I found out Sunday that my husband was talking to other women online in a sexual manner. I'm 40 weeks pregnant as of yesterday and I just can't wrap my head around it.



The only reason I found out was because he left his Yahoo! Messenger open (something I suspected he had after he got rid of it about two years ago, this had a new account name from the old one). I noticed he had a bunch of female contacts and contact requests from names like sluttykaty so I couldn't not look into it. I opened one conversation history and could not believe my eyes.

I saw the following things written to her:



What's up sexy?

Do you have a cam?

I thought you were single

I still want to fuck you



I can't actually remember everything I read as I started to hyperventilate and had to confront him. Part of me wishes I would have looked into it all further, the other part had seen enough to know none of it could have been good. I'm positive there were TONS more messages to read because his yahoo inbox had a couple hundred that all appeared to be chat messages considering they were occuring every minute or so from what I could see.



I went upstairs where he was playing with our daughter and told him as clear and as calm as I could what I saw and it was not okay with me and made clear that I was very upset. I went down stairs and immediately started getting ready to leave. He came down stairs and begged me not to leave. Begged me to talk to him. Claimed he was 'just talking shit.' Told me his concern was with me and the baby and he didn't want me to go especially in the rain and so pregnant.



His eyes were big and his face was frightened. He knew he was caught. He knew it wasn't okay.



I drove off and eventually answered after ignoring many calls. I agreed to meet with him in a public place in a few hours after he pleaded with me not to leave him and begged to talk. I really just wanted to run away to the airport and buy a last minute ticket to MN (where home is). I wish I would have taken more time, much much more time, but there isn't much to do as a super pregnant lady on a Sunday in an area where I don't really have any friends (just moved here recently).



He says he was just messing around and was seeing how far they would go before they would just block him, he says it didn't mean anything. He says it started last year when we were going through periods where we fought a lot (after we already knew I was pregnant). He says he never did anything with anyone in person. He says he didn't have video sex. He says he loves me and doesn't want me to feel like I am inadequate and all that jazz. He also says the girls were local, yet he never intended on meeting them. He says a lot and I can believe a lot of it, but I just can't wrap my head around it all.



Things have been going so well lately, why the hell did he continue it after we PCS'd? Why would he need to look for local girls if he never intended on meeting them in person? He made it seem like they were just local girls in Hawai'i, but one of the new friend requests I closed out had Seattle in the name (we're at JBLM now).



Of course he deleted his entire account and now I can never go back and see if there was any further personal information exchanged or meeting times agreed on. I have to take his word for it and for some reason he seems to expect me to be moving on from this. He thinks I'm just going to be okay. I shouldn't have to keep reminding him that it's NOT OKAY.



Where do we go from here? I feel like it's cheating even if he didn't do anything with any of them, but I want to believe him so very badly. I can't just let him off the hook as he seems to think I should. I find myself feeling bad about it all, I shouldn't feel bad, I should be furious (and I am).

I'm acting as normal and civil as possible considering his mom is in town for the birth of her grandson, but she leaves tomorrow. I don't really even want to look at him, I've let him hug me a couple times, but I don't want to kiss him and he keeps acting all rejected when I turn away. I don't even want him to see me changing or anything. He's trying to get me to tell him I love him, especially in front of his mom which makes it more awkward for me so I keep saying "I love you, but I don't like you sometimes."

I feel like him trying to force me is making it worse between us because he wants it to go away and I'm even more upset that he seems to be putting a guilt trip on me for not being over it already.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

DeserRai - posted on 04/13/2012

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A year after we got married, hubby went to BMT and then at tech school, he crossed THE line. He was sending pictures back and forth with a girl back home. I remember finding out at 2am and calling him that it was over, I want a divorce, so on. After a few days, we talked and I remember for the longest time he couldn't tell why he did it, he just didn't know why. That hurt so much. For him to do something to me and not have a reason why, hurt really bad. We were in such a good place with our marriage.



It's funny because the day before I found, he sent me a picture of the abs he was getting from all the workouts and I made a funny comment that really meant nothing except poking fun. I asked "Well, you're not sending this to any other girls are you?" He straighted up lied to my face, or so speaking. I had all this to think about and decide what I wanted to do. Not to mention we were going to be stationed in AK (so to leave my AZ home with someone who what I considered, cheated on me, with him) was a lot to go over. I decided to wait until he got back to talk about it and what not. I decided to forgive because I realized he is a good man that made one mistake. He has never stopped apologizing for it and trying to gain my trust back. It's been 2.5 years since that and I've just started to trust him fully again.



It was hard. Even though I forgave him, I still held a grudge. It wasn't until I watched an episode of Dr. Phil (haha, I know) about a husband who cheated, that it clicked. He told the wife that she needed to let her husband know how it hurt her and what it did to her when he cheated. How it made her feel as a women, a wife. I never did that with my hubby. I always just said what you did hurt me and was not right but never told him that it made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. That it felt like he reached inside and crushed my heart with those photos. I had to tell him EXACTLY and EVERYTHING I felt when I discovered what he did. That way, he knows, he knows exactly what he did and how he hurt so if he were to do it again, he would know without a doubt what it would do to me and that I would have no hesitation then to leave.



One other thing that helped, (I got it from Dr. Phil also :) was telling him my view of how a marriage is suppose to be and vice versa. I helped us realize how different our opinions are. I'm much more traditional in the matter like I'm the only girl he sees naked, thinks about sexually, very monogynous(?) where he is more laid about about situations and only considers it cheating when sex is involved. He doesn't care if I think about other men and so on as long as he is my only one. So that helped us estasblish a middle and realize what we value most.



Hope this helps. And hang in there!

Melissa - posted on 03/20/2012

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I am a regular lurker (and occasional poster) on a marriage forum and I unfortunetly see this a lot. He has a serious problem and trying to bury the turds. Until he sees that he has a problem, there will be no going forward. You can bury it if you want, but since you had that reaction I can tell that it will resurface again and again until you two divorce or get marriage counseling.



I have some links, but I'm not sure they'll post (I haven't posted wed addresses on this site before so I guess we'll find out).



Here is a thread of a forum for people who have partners going to sex addict therapy (and they count cyber sex and phone sex as part of the addiction, not just the physical act) http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriag...



Support for you: http://www.journeytohealingandjoy.com/



Site with some links: http://www.healthymind.com/s-spouses.htm...



Another one for you that I think you ESPECIALLY need to read even if you don't want to stay with him and go for recovery: http://sexual-sanity.com/2011/02/how-to-...



I hope you both can get some help. Individual counseling for both of you as well as marriage counseling. In order for you two to move forward he will need help. Addicts cannot do it alone, they must have the help. If he refuses to get any help whatsoever, then get help for yourself. I am sure there are resources on base and at local churches that will be able to link you to some counseling and a support group of some sort.



One last thing, since your about to pop and probably have given birth already, please take it easy. Focus on you and the baby for these next couple of weeks and then tackle you and your husbands issues. Good luck.

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Debbie - posted on 04/05/2012

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let me put it to u the way it was put to me. First u have ur baby safely and then when ur harmones arent racing anymore u think about what u really want.

Next get a piece of paper n right down whats good on oneside and whats bad on the other if the good outnumber the bad then fight for him with all u got

Marlene - posted on 03/14/2012

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First you need to figure out what you want. I understand that you are angry, hurt and frustrated right now, so make sure you think things through before making a decision. The last thing you want to do is make a decision and then retract from it (since men can see 'weakness' and will play on that.



Do you believe him when he says that he was just talking and nothing was ever going to come of it? Because I agree with Louise when she says, '[Some] Men are pathetic and need to feel wanted, this was purely an ego boost to him. He did not think any further than that.' Has he done this in the past? If so he may just have some self-esteem issues and he will continue to seek other people's attention. No matter how many times you forgive him. If this is the case and you still decide to stay with him (depending on your beliefs) join him. He will more than likely do it behind your back so allow him to do it, with the clear understanding that nothing is ever going to go beyond words. You can have full access to his 'messages' and he can have his kicks. -This means you forgive him and not bring it up again.

On the other hand if you do decide to leave him, you have to think of the strain it is going to put on your family. You have two kids to think about and being a military wife means that half the time you are away from everything you know. Your support group is states away. Can you handle taking the kids away from their father or YOU being away from family and friends and still not having him?

You are not the first one to go through this and you won't be the last. I hope you find the results that work for you and your family. :)

Erin - posted on 03/14/2012

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Has he done this before and is that why he deleted the old account? If so, do you want to stay in a marriage the leads to emotional cheating when things get rough? You need to let him know how you are feeling, which to me sounds like you're hurt and betrayed. Not something you can exactly flip a switch and be fine with it. You need to decide if you want to stay in the marriage or not. If you want to stay in the marriage, I would advise you and your husband to get some marriage counseling. If you do decide to leave the marriage, I would still advise you to get some counseling so that his betrayal won't color future relationships. Personally, I would tell him that the condition of my staying would be marriage counseling (since from the sound of your post, this is the first time he's "cheated" and you seem to believe him that it didn't go further than words).

Louise - posted on 03/13/2012

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You have two clear choices here.

1. You put it behind you and move on. He did not touch any of these women it was all words. Nothing more. although I agree very hurtful and will take a long time for you to trust him again. If you chose to do this you can not act all hurt and the victim, you have to think stupid idiot and move on. He made a mistake and that he is sure of. He needs you to tell him you still love him because he is very unsure of your next move. He probably wants to forget all about this and the fact that you move away from him makes him feel that you never will.



2. You will never be able to forget what you have read and you need to pluck the courage up to leave.



If you chose option one then you have to let it go and forget it. Dont hold a grudge with him act normal and move on for the sake of your family. If you choose option 2 you have to leave knowing there is no coming back from this. Is a few meaningless words typed on a computer really worth breaking your marriage apart. Men are pathetic and need to feel wanted, this was purely an ego boost to him. He did not think any further than that. If you continue to hold a grudge with him he will give up and move away from you completly.



My advice is sit him down and tell him how you feel and that you want to move on and not speak about this again. I am sure he will be very releived and agree and things will get back to normal quicker.



A long hard think about how you want to play this is a must for you. Good luck!

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