Complete honesty in a marriage is it REAL??????

Rosa - posted on 02/21/2011 ( 20 moms have responded )

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Honestly has always been the rule of all marriage that last, and has worked for older marriages. You know like the 40+ yrs ones...lol. However, after talking to other couples I have found that not everyone can take the truth as it is. You ask if you're fat or if your pretty, but what about the hard question. Like:
-Do I please you sexuallly?
-Would you marry me knowing what you know now about me?
-Are you attracted to my friends, and which one?
-How much weight you think I should lose?
-Do you like what I wear?
-Do you look at other wives and wish I had there qualities?
-Is there any area you wish I helped more in or just was more supportive in?

I have ask all those question, and most men refuse to answer saying "She would kill me if I answered those honestly. Anyway, my marriage isnt great but its better than others." Now you're in a marriage shouldnt you make the adjustment just as you would if you didnt like the colour of your home, your weight, your hair style or even your car. Making small changes now will keep your marriage together in the long run. What changes does your marriage need?

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Sarah - posted on 02/24/2011

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As for changing... I love him i would change just about any physical thing i could if it would help me stay attractive in his eyes, and we all work on our flaws as we get older and mature but as for who I am at my core..that I won't change and if he ever asked me to then he didn't really love ME in the first place, just his idea of me.

Sarah - posted on 02/24/2011

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I think you can have complete honesty, but only if it is what you both want and can both handle it. Secrets can lead to so much hurt. I would rather have the answers to the tough questions. I have asked him hard questions to hear the answer to and be honest about but he has been, and so have I. I think if you don't want the truth don't ask and be prepared for the worst and don't get mad when the other person is honest. Also when you tell the truth be prepared for them to be upset and give them time to absorb the information before you react to their reaction. I see all relationships as work but worth it. But to each his own.

Tah - posted on 02/24/2011

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Please honey this is Saturday night chit chat for us...I was bigger than I am now when we were married and even then he never uttered a word about my weight and he notices nowbefore I do when I lose more and tells me don't lose too much he likes thick..lol....he isn't attracted to any of my friends mainly because I really don't have any..lol and he knows everything I do about them since we tell each other everything....he picks most of my clothes so I would hope he likes them..not in a controlling way..lol..when he is deployed he sends package after package to the house jeansm shoes shirts flowers etc and then we shop together and everything I wear he gets to see first. Some things are reserved for us being out together. Other guys he work with wish their wives had my quality..I am not being stuck up...they have even said things to me like..you drove all the way other over here to bring him burger king because he has duty...will u marry me..or there is no way my wife would do that...lol..he calls me when he is frustrated with his sailors or command or just neeeds that encouragement to keep going..he told me I always know what to say...

Last week he put on his stat that he got his robin thicke onthis morning..lol...senior cheif asked him what that means..he let him hear sex in the morning..lol...and we have coupons so if there is something he wants that we haven't done in a few weeks etc...he will pull that out and poof granted..lol..nothing is off limits to us to discuss and it has woked for us.I will say that u are married for better or worse so weight hair color etc shouldn't be deal breakers. You should be able to compromise..my husband likes my hair out so. Sometimes I wear it out and sometimes I wear it up..he likes certain colors on my toes so every other time get a pedicure I get some shade he likes or anchors..lol. I was going to the gym anyway and since he is the command fitness leader I told him what I wanted to work on and because I asked he gave me exercises to use but made sure I knew he liked the way I looked.

I def think you make concessions and you compromise but there is so much more to it then that

Chaundra - posted on 02/24/2011

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All your questions seemed really important not really hard. I would answer with honesty and kindness but also with only the information the relationship can handle at this time. Do I satisfy you sexually? Yes I really like when you do this… not such a fan of … That is not my favorite outfit on you but if you love it that is great. My husband tells me all the time when he does not like something I have on but if I love it that’s ok. So an so’s wife always has her hair done like this why don’t you do that? Well I am to busy but now that I know he likes it I try to do it more often. Honesty is important but it does not give to license to cut someone’s heart out and jump on it, discretion and understanding have been the key to our 13 year marriage. Pick your battles and your words wisely.

Rosa - posted on 02/22/2011

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@Bree-
I agree but disagree with alot of your actions. I know that the phrase Take Me or Leave Me is the mindset of a single person. When you are married this is not about what you like and what you enjoy, somtimes you have to talk and meet in the middle. You said he was honest about a piercing and you go another and keep it longer. Now if you were to find out that your husband is keeping alot from you, you honestly cant be upset about it. The honesty that is within a marriage isnt he same as just a boyfriend or friend. Everyone husband has to like them how they were to ask for their hand in marriage; however, as you said we evolved as individual that doesnt mean your spouse is required to accept this new person cuz that isnt the person they married. But if it works for your marriage good luck, but I have seen that very act take the life out of women/men in a marriage until they just stop talking or just get up and leave.

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Rosa - posted on 02/24/2011

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Ok, honesty comes with different tone yes. But phrasing it differently to make u feel better isnt going to work. And we are completely different in that way. I would rather my husband look at me and say, hey babe, u getting fat we are going to hit the gym. Than to come around trying to say, wanna go to the gym or when the last time u went to the gym. Tell me the truth up front Im a big girl and you are my husband, if you arent disrespecting me when you talking Im fine. If you are attracted to one of my friend is a normal question to ask I think...lol. Our phrase in our marriage is this, "If you think it then ask it NOW when its small and we can get over. Dont wait two years down the road when you mad to talk." Each person should know their spouse well enough to know what to say to them and when. I want the bold truth now without any question. But each person is different I guess.

Tah - posted on 02/24/2011

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Okay..I have read them, the dynamics of everyones relationship is different. My husband and I were friends first and We talked about everything and when We we married it has stayed the same.okay. There was a shirt I bought the other day, he told me off the bat it was okay but would be better without the attached vest..my thoughts exactly...when he puts on something I don't like he knows by the look on my face...lol. If something bothers us, we discuss it, I told him, you may not always like my answers, and vice versa..doesn't mean we hold back the honesty..that's the dynamic that makes our relationship work, we nurture it, we are honest about it, we compromise in it and we respect it. We keep the friendship alive and well and that also helps to keep us comfortable in being honest....

Elizabeth - posted on 02/24/2011

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I think that anyone could feel trapped by some of them, wondering if they were trick questions or if there was no right answer. What do you gain by asking if your husband is attracted to one of your friends... unless you think something is going on why would you ask that? Looking at other wives and wishing you had those qualities... there are better ways to ask what a good personality shift change would be without having someone compare you to people around you. For example, ask about people on tv instead of people you might see on a semi regular basis.
I don't think "Do you like what I wear?" is particularly unfair, but a better question would be, "What would you dress me in if you could dress me for a day?" Or "What kind of outfit would you like to see me in?
How much weight do you think I should lose? Not many guys would even know what kind of number to put on that. If you are talking about getting healthy and getting into shape and talking about changing your life style it's one thing, but if you bring it up trying make your man tell you you need to lose weight, what do you gain?

Tah - posted on 02/24/2011

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What's not fair about them..?..to be fair I posted on my phone from the hair salon so I haven't read the responses, I'll do that now...

Rosa - posted on 02/24/2011

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LOL. I love and enjoyed your comments so much. I completely agree with you. My husband are almost the same the same way and would like to reach were you guys were, and honestly sometimes I feel like I give him too much power. Most of my friends say the same thing, damn you just do everything your husband says. But I know how happy it makes him or just how he appreciate the small things so it makes it all worth it. So thank you so much for just giving me that extra push, and that its not weird.

Rosa - posted on 02/24/2011

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Im sorry if you took my reply out of context. I wasnt saying you should make your husband tell u what to do at all times. But now that you explan thing like you didnt keep it in just to becuz he said he didnt like it. Trust me, I do all the things that my husband do dislike when he is deploy or TDY. Like im love sardines and he hate the smell, I keep them in the house all the time. He dislike my hair up, my love for black clothes etc.. He always laugh and say he doesnt know me when he is deploy or on TDY. But I have many friends that do the complete opposite, doing exactly what there husband ask sometimes even beg them not to do. Saying, "He need to suck it up like a man." And this has send their marriage down the road to divorce. Now she is trying hard to save her marriage, and when I asked her husband said, "You know I didnt care that she didnt listen to me, but the way she act as if my opinion didnt matter. Unless she was asking it of me."


Im sorry if I came off as if I wanted women to listen to their husband every word. Just thats its a give and take in any marriage, and with honesty can be one of the most rewarding or destructive.

Bree - posted on 02/22/2011

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His being honest with me wasn't the problem lol, it wasn't that he said "I don't like that piercing very much" it was that he told me I should remove it. I should also mention that I kept the septum ring for his entire deployment even though I knew he hated it. But I took it out before he got back. He didn't ask me to or tell me to, so I did it. He doesn't have a "pass" to hide things from me because of my piercings or any other disagreement we may have, luckily he doesn't share your mindset because that is not something that would work in our marriage. We talk about everything, especially things that are truly important. There's no "luck" about it, it's a lot of work and a lot of respect. We are equals but we are also equally individuals. We compromise about things that matter, such as our lives and how we live them. When we travel, where we travel, the way we raise our daughter. There is a lot of compromise, but not on my nostril.

This isn't the 1950's, I don't have to do what my man says. Respect is one thing, bowing down to anything he says is quite another. Sure, the dynamics of our relationship would not work for a lot of men but my husband is not like a lot of men. We are both strive to maintain a healthy happy marriage, disagreements and all.

I disagree that "take me or leave me" is a single person only thing or an indication that I, after 10 years, am behaving like a single person lol. I have seen a lot of women get beaten down physically or mentally and completely losing themselves in a relationship. That's not me and it never will be. My husband wouldn't want that either, he grew up in a house just like that. We enjoy the fact that sometimes we challenge each other. If all we have to worry about in our lives is my nostril piercing or small things like that...well...I think we're doing alright.

After all, a nose is just a nose.

Darlyn - posted on 02/21/2011

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I agree with everyone here that there is no such thing as complete honesty whether it is in a marriage or other type of relationship. sometimes men or women tell little white lies to please their man/woman.
I know my hubby will tell me if i look like i have gain some weight and I do the same to him. I dont get mad. I am actually happy he tells me. He tells me if what I wear does not look right..
We talk a lot about our relationship/marriage and I know there are times that he tells me things that are not honest so that he wont hurt my feelings..

Bree - posted on 02/21/2011

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Complete honesty is overrated. I wouldn't want to know the answers to a lot of those questions be it the truth or a lie lol. Honesty where it counts is what is important. Sure, tell me my bum looks fine in jeans that really probably make it look flat (I have no butt lol). I can live with that. But if there is a real important issue and I'm lied to? Let's just say you don't want to be on my LIST hehe.

I would never change to save any relationship. I'm a firm believer in the lyrics to the Rent song, Take Me Or Leave Me:
Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me
Take me baby or leave me

That's the chorus, the rest of the song is awesome but too long to post lol. I am an ever-changing evolving person but I would never change for someone. Honestly, if someone asked me to, I'd just do the exact opposite of what they'd asked. Just ask my husband lol that's something he got used to real quick and it was just little stuff. He didn't like one of my piercings so I got another I *knew he'd hate...I took it out eventually and he never said anything else ever again about the one he initially didn't like. The first piercing was just my nostril, no big deal. The following was my septum (I've heard it called a bull ring) which he HATES. I kept it for almost a year muwahahaha. Big stuff would be even worse though, I can't imagine what would happen.

Rosa - posted on 02/21/2011

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Well as for changes I have to say its a progress. Each hill you get too we just have to sit down and revaluate come to an understand and before we move forward. However, the biggest issues is letting go of those old things you think you forgave your spouse for. We all think we are easy to live with and its our spouse that have the issues. Im learning to not go off with my bad tempter and lookin at it more than just view way even if it take a few days to find it...lol. Im still learning Lord know im still learning, cuz my temper is fast.

Rosa - posted on 02/21/2011

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I dont believe in complete honesty. This is because we are all human and with love comes difficulity and secrets. And we all think we can handle honesty until we are told the the trust. Then our whole view changes and we start to either question ourselves or the person

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Changes? I happy now b cuz in the last few years God has mad some drastic changes. All good changes! But I would like to change individually. I am a whole lot of women! Meaning attitude,mood swings and i think im needy. lol I takes alot to be with me! Yet he says he likes me just the way i am.....but i just dont wanna wear him out. We are going on ten years next month. :)

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No i dont think so.....no one can me completely honest. We are humans! So if someone is looking for complete honesty and a marriage ur looking for too much! :) But thats just my opinion!

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