Does anyone live apart from thier husband?

Sara - posted on 08/10/2009 ( 34 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for 6 years now and due to his deployments back and forth to Iraq and to keep things stable for our older girls, 10 and 7, I've continued to live in our home town and not move to where he is stationed. The reason I've done this is because the longest span he's been home between deployements is 10 months and once we move we get settled then it's time for him to leave again. He has now been home for a year, but I'm still a little worried about moving and him getting deployed out again. He tries to come home atleast once a month and is usually home for 2 weeks in the summer, when he's home the longest we go without physically seeing him, because we use webcams and of course he calls everyday, is a month/month and a half... Just wondering if anyone has the same living situation and how things are handled...Thanks so much

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Kristin - posted on 03/14/2011

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For everyone who says they aren't being judgmental, I'd have to disagree. I'm seeing a whole lot of judgment.



After 6 moves in 4 years, I sometimes crave stability. Not every military member has the benefit of being at a duty station for 3+ years at a time. For us, sometimes it's only 6 months. I go with my husband on the longer sets of orders (I live with him now because we had a 2 year PCS), but I refuse to jump around all the time. I've lived apart from him before, and I'm planning to do it again for the next couple of years, as we're in the process of buying a house.



And no. I do NOT worry about cheating. I see couples who live together cheat all the time. I think it comes down to the character of the people in the marriage, and my husband and I are of fine character, even if we're not living in the same state or country.



I am not depriving my husband or my kids of anything. You make it sound like this is a choice I made on my own. Not so. This was a decision we made as a couple. With me holding down one hometown homefront, my husband is free to take shorter tours and unaccompanied tours and more deployments. We're at war on two fronts. It's not like deployment opportunities are scarce, and I came into this marriage knowing that my husband feels deployment is a duty during wartime. Having a house in our hometown means that my husband doesn't feel guilty deploying because I'm stuck at a duty station without my family. I am giving him the freedom to do what he feels is important and the opportunity for him to voluntarily go downrange when an assignment comes up that he wants. Every family situation is different, so before you go judging mine, I suggest you step into my shoes. My husband wasn't looking to marry someone who needed to be with him all the time. He already had 21 years in the military by the time I married him, and was looking for someone who could take care of "wife business" whether we were apart or together.



Why am I married to him if I don't live with him? For the same reason I am married to him and we don't share a bedroom. Because we love each other enough to give the other the freedom and space to do what we feel gives us each the best life.

Jaime - posted on 03/12/2011

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I grew up military. I LOVED moving. I LOVED living overseas. Sure, we didn't see extended family very much, but that made us closer and stronger.

Why are you really staying in your home town? For your kids or for you? Sure, it's easier on you when he is away to have family around to depend on. However, you are depriving your children of a real relationship with their father. What is more important?? For your kids to see extended family or for them to see their FATHER?

Being away from your family and being on your own will make you a stonger person. It will make you independent. It will make you self reliant. It will build self confidence.

Being a military brat, and now a military spouse, I am incredible self reliant. I can change oil, I can manage finances, I can take care of myself, my daughter, our home, and everything by myself.

Also, growing up military has made me an incredibly resiliant person. I handle change easily. Things don't bother me. I don't get upset easily. I make friends easily. I'm also cultured. I had been around the world twice before I was 21. How many people can say that?!

I'm not being judgemental. But honestly, you are depriving your children the opportunity to have a full relationship with their father. You are depriving yourself of the opportunity to grow as a person and become stronger. Go be with your husband!

Jessica - posted on 12/04/2009

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I have lived apart for 3 out of the last 4 years that I have been with my husband. We have a blended family and we thought that it would be easier on the kids for me not to move around with him. I made a promise to him that home is wherever the Navy sends us and after seeing the affects that it has on my 7 and 11 year old and his 12 and 13 year old we will be moving with him to his next duty station. I don't care that he will be on deployment and never home for most of those 2 years. I want to be there when that sub comes in and he is glad to know that I will be there. It is going to be a big change for us and the kids since we will be PCSing overseas but I can't wait. Home just doesnt seem like home without him.

Krystal - posted on 10/20/2010

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I'm sorry I'm not trying be judgmental or anything, but why be married if you choose not to be living with them? I will follow my husband anywhere and everywhere he goes, when he deploys I stay where we live, in our house, which doesn't uproot our son. I don't see a point of a marriage when you aren't together when you can be. I can't stand to be away from my son for a day, I can't imagine the months away from us that my husband goes through, and then to not be here when he comes home seems very disrespectful to him because he deserves to be as much a part of our son's life as I do. If the kids aren't from another relationship or something, their dad deserves to be with them during the little time he is stateside. Again not trying to be judgmental, I just really don't understand this concept of not living with your spouse when you can.

Tamarah - posted on 12/06/2009

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Quoting Erika:

I dont know how you ladies do it, honestly. When my husband joined last january we both agreed that I would follow him. I know everyones situations are different but I can't see me living in one place and him somewhere else cuz of a couple lil hardships. Im actually workings on my degree online and i made sure it was portable so I can move with him . we have one daughter and I think moving and seeing new places/cultures would be beneficial. Thats just my opinion... like i said before everyone has a different view on this.


I agree with you Erika!   As soon as my husband gets done with boot camp and his training I will follow him where ever he goes.  I miss him so much!  I missed his first call from boot camp today and he sounded mad.  I hate that I can't call back.  Does life in the service get better after boot and training?  I really hope so!!!

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34 Comments

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Jaime - posted on 03/22/2011

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hi sara! my husband is in the army and we have been married for almost 3 years now and out of that just about 3 years of marriage i maybe have spent 8 or 9 mths together..we have a daughter that just turned 2 years old and barely knows her daddy! she sees him once in a while on webcam but you can only do that for so long. he is currently in katterbach germany and will be there for 3+ years so im hoping we will finally have some time with him..it gets hard sometimes because i miss him so much, but i know at the end of all of this i will be with him again. hearing his voice is always great, because some wives dont get to hear their husbands voice anymore so i dont take that for granteed. but i still have hope that i will not only hear his voice but see his face. i admire all you ladies for how strong you are and how brave you are as well.

Amy - posted on 03/22/2011

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My husband is in the Navy went to boot when my oldest was 13 months and I was 5 months pregnant. Boot flew by and my hubby was supposed to be at A school for five months, he was there for a year. You can get through it, I didnt think that would when I was going through it. My one piece of advice for you is try not to get to content on the idea that the military means what they say! They have their own agenda so dont get your hopes too high. Not trying to sound negative, I wish someone would have told me that in the beginning. Best of luck to you all!

Makena - posted on 03/11/2011

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After awhile it gets more difficult traveling around with kids and different countries. I did it, had my kids overseas, only saw family once a year if that. At first it's like an adventure seeing new places but, after 8 years and kids starting school it really is a tougher choice to make. I don't see how a marriage can work out though like this. Which is my big question. It's hard enough with deployment. Doesn't anyone worry about cheating? A husband and wife living apart just seems like temptation waiting to happen.

Makena - posted on 03/11/2011

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I just posted a question about this. We lived overseas for 8 years and we just got back. bought a house, and in 2 years hubby will move to a new duty station. we're trying to debate if me and the kids should just stay or not since we have a house. It's such a hard decision. I say for you maybe you should stay just because he still leaves a lot. my husband won't be traveling but shore duty stateside. I'm nervous we won't survive our marriage like that. Good luck with your choice. I know it's tough.

Kim - posted on 10/23/2010

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When my husband joined I was pregnant with our 3rd child and I knew that no matter what we would follow him to the end of the world and back if need be. In a little less than 3 yrs we have 3 times. The first time was when my 3rd was 1 week old. We got to join my husband while he finished his schooling. We then moved to Maine for his first assignment....his boat is in the shipyard. We moved a few months ago to Guam and are waiting for my husband to join us. I can't wait. My kids (10yrs,4yrs, 2yrs, 9months) would rather move every year to be with their daddy then to be seperated for one extra day. I don't understand who would want to be seperated. I know it can be hard but its worth it. My 4 yr old has a speech, fine motor and gross motor delay. He's also being tested for a learning disability and just recently started having seizures so he is going through testing to rule out causes. I've been all alone since my husband isn't here yet and I would still rather be here waiting for him than at home with family knowing he'd only visiting us monthly.

Krystal - posted on 10/20/2010

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Tamara,
Something I learned while pregnant and my husband left for Basic, in the Air Force as well, was that you can in fact move with him, but you have to pay for your move, and he can't leave everyday or live with you, BUT you do get to see him on weekends and some week nights after he earns the privilege. My husband got the day off of Tech School to be at the hospital with me when I had our son. It does get easier in certain ways, but it also can be harder, it all depends on you, your relationship, and your husbands job. I hope that helps. I would talk to his recruiter about getting you some information about you being able to move, my husband's was the one that told me and I was so very grateful for it.

Tah - posted on 10/20/2010

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i just find it odd when people live apart their spouses and they don't have to. I know there will be deployments and when i said i do i was agreeing to keep the home fires burning for him, no matter when, or how long. It must be tough on a man to have to be deployed, then come home, see his family for a couple weeks and then have to go back home for woek and not be able to come home to his family and home cooked meal every night..hopefully noone will start bringing dinner by for him..lol(jk). Children bounce back, there are schools everywhere and new friends to be had and old friends can be kept in touch with. If the children attend base schooling or school with other miltary children it makes the transition easier for them. If i couldn't accompany my husband, that is one thing, but to be able to go and just not because he gets deployed is not a good enough reason for me. If it works then fine..i hope it continues to work a military marriage is har enough for some people to maintain without affing extra hardships in there. If my husband goes, we go also....those are the rules here...

Candi - posted on 10/19/2010

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I could not live apart from my husband. That would be like having a broken family. When I agreed to marry him, I knew we would move around. We started dating in High School, but I did not marry him until he was in the Coast Guard. We are both from South Carolina. We were married for 5 days when we moved to Alaska! We were there for 2 yrs, then he got out and became a civilian and we were living in SC-stayed long enough to have 2 kids-then he joined the Army. Basic in Fort Jackson (SC), AIT in VA, then we had a one week notice we were moving to Germany. My husband left in Sept and the kids and I joined him in Dec. We were there 3 yrs, then moved to TX. Stayed there for 5 looooong years, now we live in VA. In Germany he had a 15 month deployment and in TX he had two 12 month deployments. The kids and I always stayed wherever we were stationed.There was no reason for us to leave. We made sure the kids and I would move during the summer so the kids wouldn't have to change schools once it started. Kids are great. They accept change really well. As long as you stay positive and teach them to be well rounded and outgoing, they have no trouble. My daughter likes moving b/c its sort of like a "fresh start" for her. Since my youngest was born in TX, she hated to move, but thats all she knew. My son actually wants to move back to germany b/c he is older now and would enjoy it more. I want to stay in the US, but wherever the Army sends us, we will go! My husband is gone enough and we want to spend all the time we can with him. I don't think badly of people who live apart. What works for some doesn't work for others

Shanyon - posted on 10/19/2010

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I am currently getting ready to move back home and live with my parents for awhile. My husband and I have been married for 9 years now and he has only been home a total of 3 out of the 9 years. We currently live in MD and I have absolutely no family support out here. We have discussed this and after reading these posts I know this will be the best thing for us. Our son is 9 with ADHD, OCD, ODD, etc. He has a very hard time readjusting everytime daddy leaves and comes home. I am hoping this will help him to have a stable environment and me to have some family support. During my husband's last deployment I became very ill and had no one out here to help me. We are used to seeing him on webcam and talking on the phone so I don't feel like it'll be that much different...How long have you lived apart from your husband and how do your children handle it?

Savannah - posted on 12/01/2009

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My husband and I will have been married for two years in March. We are expecting our first child in January. He was supposed to be deployed in the first part of November so I moved back home with my parents in August. I would have liked to have stayed until he left but he thought it would be better for me to go ahead and get settled. A month after he got back to VA the Navy pushed his deployment back to the first of February. We decided for me to go ahead and stay since it wasn't certain if it would happen in February. Now its been pushed back to March. We txt everyday. It is very difficult being away from him and this being our first baby. He is missing everything and feels really left out. I try to include him but he wasn't very involved before I left. Most of our relationship dating, engaged and married have been spent apart. We were married while he was in school and I was still in school and was unable to stay there with him. I moved with him when he got stationed but being in the Navy and preparing for deployment he was gone a lot on training. He would be gone for weeks, sometimes months at a time. Now we are living apart again and its even more difficult. Now there is a rumor floating around the ship that they may not leave until May or August. I will most likely not go back because I don't want to have to keep changing drs for me or my daughter when she gets here. I want her to have as a stable of a home as possible but I also want my husband to be apart of her life as well. I just say, do whatever you feel is best for your family. Is it going to be hard? Yes, as military wives our lives are always going to be hard. Whether its being away from our families or our husbands. I knew that being a military wife would be hard when I married my husband. I just didn't know how hard and no one told me just how hard that it would be. But I love my husband and I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

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I dont know how you ladies do it, honestly. When my husband joined last january we both agreed that I would follow him. I know everyones situations are different but I can't see me living in one place and him somewhere else cuz of a couple lil hardships. Im actually workings on my degree online and i made sure it was portable so I can move with him . we have one daughter and I think moving and seeing new places/cultures would be beneficial. Thats just my opinion... like i said before everyone has a different view on this.

Tamarah - posted on 11/30/2009

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My husband just left for boot camp last Sunday for the Air Force. He has only been gone eight days but I miss him terribly! My husband and I will be married one year in Dec and we are expecting our first child in Jun. He is going to miss everything and I don't know how to handle it. When he graduates from boot camp he goes straight to training for five or more months and I have to stay behind. How do you all do this? I am drowning here and none of my friends or family can even try to relate.
HELP!

Deanna - posted on 11/30/2009

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My three children and I currently live apart from my husband. We have been apart for almost two years now but we have been together since I was 15 (20 years now). The children and I moved back home to Va because his parents had open heart surgery two and a half weeks apart from each other and he was always deployed. He is now stationed in Japan and the children and I are trying like crazy to get approved to move over there with him. Our children were not happy at all about us moving back to Va, but they are children and they adjusted very well to changing schools and having to leave their friends behind; in all honesty it is part of being a military brat/spouse. Our children didn't sign up to be military brats but I did sign up to be a military wife and with that comes great sacrfices. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can work anywhere it might not be the job you want at first but work is work. Do you really want to keep living without your husband? I have a rule when my husband comes home for a visit or if we get to go visit him... I as a mom go on strike...the kids know it and so does he. I tell them once your dad is hear I am on vacation so whatever you need or want you will go to your father and he will make the descions and whatever he says will go no if's and's or but's about it! I refuse to answer them if they come to me. They need to know and learn that just because we do not live together does not mean we are no longer a family and family's work together to include each other in everything. Have you asked your children if they want to move and be with their dad? It is just a suggestion, I asked mine if they wanted to stay here in the states or move to Japan so we can be together as a family again and my three jumped at the chance to be with their father again. Although I only have one child the age of your oldest but he is the one that keeps asking me if daddy and I are getting divorced since we don't live together anymore; it was the biggest shock of my life when he asked me that because I thought since I explained to him why we didn't live together anymore that he understood. Just food for thought. I hope I helped some how, if not I do apologize for my rambilings.



Deanna

Courtney - posted on 11/23/2009

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For anyone that wants to there is a new community for military spouses with children and live in California. If anyone wants to join just search it by going to all communities and in the search type in military and it will show up

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Me an my husband lived apart for 22 months. It was hard cause we only saw each other 3 weeks that whole time. We were at a bad spot in our marriage and we were ready to call it quits. But that time away made us better. Anyways. Why dont you move to be with him and you just start your own life in the state where you are stationed? Let the kids start school their and you can work their? I honestly couldnt handle him being away anymore again. I would want to be with him even if he was gone a year home a year. You can always go visit. Personally I think when he is home he needs u and the kids their with him as his support. He has been thru alot and doesnt even want to think about what he has been thru just wants his family,

Sara - posted on 08/18/2009

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Thanks you guys so much for your support :)

What happens with our daugthers is that we all have this tight bond and while the girls adore thier daddy, they know that I'm always the one who is here and who will get it done, so this is why they come to me...I am always telling them that when their dad is here they need to ask him for stuff and include him, but I think they are just so used to it only being us that it's just natural for them to come to me...What also happens is that my husband is used to being by himself so he kinda let's it happen, and then later complains about it...We're going to hopefully make this our last year of living apart because I feel that as our daughters get older, they'll need their dad more and their dad will need to make sure that he's a constant role model in their lives of what a good man should be, which he is :)

Haley - posted on 08/18/2009

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i have a suggestion with the part about how your husband doesn't know where he fits in because the girls always ask you for stuff. i was raised a navy brat and my dad was gone all the time....my mom made all the decisions. and now i am in the airforce and my husband is in the navy and we have been seperated for a year. he lives in georgia and i live in florida; we are 6 hours away from one another and he comes home usually two to three weekends a month. anyway....when your husband doe come home..the first tie one of your litlle girls asks you a question turn them straight around and tell them to ask their dad. be consistenet do this evertime...and hopefully it will become second nature to the girls to ask dad for everything at least when he comes home to visit. it can take some extra added stress off of your shoulders and make your husband feel very needed and involved. now, this won't work if your husband just turns around and says well let me check with mom everytime...so make sure that he is aware of every rule they'll "try to get away with" with dad and if he absoultely has to talk to you he should probably just tell the girls he has to think about it and then discuss it with you privately. if he doesn't do this then the girls will just disregard what he says and will ask you too. then an argumet will ensue...dad gets upset and feels undermined by daughter and says "why don't you ask me" or "why did you ask mom too" and daughter says "well, you always have to talk to mom ayway, because you don't know what goes on." and its a big mess beacuse then everyone gets sad and guilty feeling. Hope this helps best wishes -haley

Jade - posted on 08/18/2009

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well it sounds like you made a good choice for your kids. it's hard to move them around and have them make new friends, and change schools. I'm pregnant, and my bf is in Great Lakes right now, and after that he'll be who knows where, so i'm staying near family until i can pick a steady place to live.

Robyn - posted on 08/17/2009

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My oldest did the same thing for a while with the I'll check with mom if dad tells me to do something. It has gotten better now that they are around each other more. Someties I have to sit my husband down and remind him that we love him but he and the boys need to get used to each other again (like when he gets annoyed that 7 yr olds never shut up). I have to really make an effort to not be critical when I do so he doesn't think I am being mean. I think sometimes it is harder on the one who is away by themselves, even though it wouldn't seem that way since we have the kids and hectic schedule. They get used to things being their own way and not having to worry about weather it is better to play video games or get 2 active boys to bed. I have to remember that whenever I am ready to yell at him......Just remember that things eventually get easier....

Chanel - posted on 08/14/2009

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Hello everyone, I am new to this situation and everyone's posts have been helpful to me. I have recently been discharged from Active Duty and my husband is deployed. I am not sure if I want to find a place to stay put or move around with him. This is the first time that we have been apart and we have been married for 5 yrs as dual military. I think I want to move closer to my family and just let him do what he has to do. He has 10 years to go....

Robyn - posted on 08/14/2009

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I did the same kind of thing for basically the same reason. I had a 3 yr old when my husband went to Iraq the first time and so I moved home with my parents. I eventually got a job and my own place, and by the time my husband got back we were settled. We stayed there because he went to a school, then immediately got deployed yet again and various other things until last year. We were planning to move back with him, because we were going to have another baby, when he got sent to recruiter school. I ended up moving back in with my parents, and taking care of my mom when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We just got moved back with each other about 3 months ago, so we were apart basically 5 years. It doesn't work for everyone, but we both were willing to sacrifice to do what needed to get done. It is really hard on your marriage though I have to admit, and hard to be a single parent for so long. I am happy to be with him now, but I have to admit I still have that fear that he is going to get deployed again soon. I honestly have to say though that I have a lot of mixed feelings about having been apart that long. I don't really want to do it again, but I did have time with my mom I would otherwise not have had and she got to see my youngest born.

Kristin - posted on 08/13/2009

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I can completely relate, again 6 years of marriage, 3 deployments, soon to be 4 and yeah about a year in between. We have a 3.5 yr old daughter and her and I live in our hometown with both of our families, extended families, friends and the kind of support that I need. I don't find it wierd, strange or unusual like most people I know think it is. Like I tell anyone who poo-poos it, is this is a commitment we made and we are strong enough to make it work, we don't advocate this lifestyle, but it works for us right now and it gives our daughter the stability she needs day to day. We do the same as far as him getting home as often as possible about once every month give/take and leave and so on. Our biggest stress is keeping tabs on his spending while he lives like a bachelor. Keep going if it works for now and even if others don't understand, there are us handful out there that do.

Sara - posted on 08/13/2009

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Thank you girls so much...It makes it a little easier to deal with when you realize you're not the only one :)

Gabriela - posted on 08/13/2009

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Hi Sara,

You are going through a similar situation as I have lived for the past several years. It is workable if you have good communication and put forth the effort to make it work. I have been married for 10 years (this fall) and have lived apart from my husband most of the time for approximately 4-5 years. It definitely does take a toll on a marriage. Like I said, it takes alot of work. Your intentions, like mine, are good as you are seeking stability for your girls and a degree for yourself. There is no real secret to making it work. You just have to make sure your communication is strong and you make the most of the time you have together..and technology when apart. Try skype webcalls when apart. I have found that just as my boys and I have grown independent of my husband he too has gotten used to being alone and wants to just relax at home when he is here only to point out (when gone) that we haven't done much as a family when we are together. Especially as a student, I create situations where at least he HAS to spend time with the kids, like by going out to study at starbucks or shopping alone. Gives you a break and gives them bonding time. Then when you are home from your outing it just seems to pull everyone together. Hang in there. It gets better and eventually he will be more stable and it will all seem worth it. I now have an MBA, my kids are doing great and he is a bit more stable so we can see him more often. Good Luck!

Sara - posted on 08/13/2009

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The sad part about this is all is that we've all become used to my husband coming and going and just not being here...Even when he is here, the girls ask me for everything and he says he has a hard time understanding where he fits in because my schedule and routine are so tight...Well with three girls my days has to be...The living apart is taking it's toll on our marriage, but the kids are so well adjusted to our living situation I don't want to make things hard for them. My husband recently changed duty stations and he has some schooling to get done and I have school to finish also, so we're thinking that in May after the school year is over for girls and for myself, we'll move with him...I wish someone would've given me the real story on becoming a military wife, lol

Tifani - posted on 08/12/2009

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Oh wow good for you. I am currently living apart from my husband however we are planning to join him in Camp Pendleton in the next 2 months. I am just not strong enough to keep the kids away. They need him too. But girl be strong and you know you are doing the best thing for you and your girls :-)

Brooke - posted on 08/12/2009

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My husband went thru a 16 month deployment, then he spent 5 months in Germany, now hes at a different dutystation getting medical treatment for 2 head injuries in iraq. Med board could take 3-12 months. I live in Atlanta with my 2 kids. I have a job, I own my house. Im not gonna uproot the kids, hes never anywhere long enough. If he wasnt nondeployable because of injuries, he'd be redeploying in a few months.

Misty - posted on 08/11/2009

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Yeah my Husband and I live apart also. He got stationed in Germany and rather than taking my kids out of the country I sent him off by himself, We have been married for four years come november and We only have physically been together in the same place for a little over a year of the four we've been married. Just used Webcam too and he calls everyday he can also. Its hard, exspecially when your stuck doing everything for your kids...I have two also One 2 yrs and One 9 months...It tough,But not impossible. I am going to go with him to the next duty station even if it is out of the country do to the stress that being apart has put on us. I would try the same if you have had stress too its better on the kids and better on you. Anyway I'm here if you ever want to talk.

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