Expectations of husband before deployments

Jaime - posted on 03/07/2011 ( 3 moms have responded )

My husband goes TDY and deploys a lot. I have actually sat down and calculated the percentage of the time he's away. Pre-baby, he was gone 2/3 of our time together. Now that we've had a child, he's skipped many TDYs (he's EOD and a lot of the TDYs are fun and he always gladly took them), but it still gone nearly 1/2 of our time together. He actually deployed when I was 6 months pregnant and didn't meet his daughter till she was nearly 5 months old. He's getting ready to deploy again in June. I have no family here to depend on, nor do I have any close friends to depend on either. Is it ridiculous of me to think he should buck up and take on more responsibility before he leaves to make up for all the time I'm going to have to do this alone? I'm not asking him to do it all. All I ask is one night a week, he should put the baby to bed and clean up after dinner so I can go to bed early or take a bath or read and just relax while I can. Something that will NOT happen for 7 months for me.

I think I'm totally justified in asking him to do a little more. I work full time. I have no one to depend on. He missed the absolute hardest part of parenting (the newborn who is up all night and does nothing but cry, poop and eat). I know his job is tough when he deploys, but that is his only responsibility. He has to work, and that is it. He doesn't have to do his laundry, he doesn't have to cook, he doesn't have to clean, he won't have a baby to take care of, he won't have an idiot dog to take care of (his dog... I hate that damn idiot dog! But I'm going to have to take care of it for 7 months while he's gone), he won't have to deal with cars breaking down, grocery shopping, or anything breaking in the house (which inevitably always happens, right?!). And he will NEVER have to do that. In fact, in our daughter's 15 months of life, he has never had to take care of the baby overnight by himself once. He's gone a few hours alone, and that's been it. But I continue to have to do it for days, weeks, and months on end.

And before anyone says "well, you knew what you were getting into when you married him." No I didn't. I grew up a military brat. I know the military lifestyle. I can handle it. However, when my husband and I were dating and he mentioned he deployed "a lot"... well, let's just say "a lot" is subjective. I didn't realize a lot meant 2/3 - 1/2 of our time together he would be away, until it was too late and I was pregnant. I'm not trying to play the victim here, but life happened differently than I had planned it. I even told him once, after I was pregnant and I was realizing what "a lot" meant in HIS dictionary, that had I known what he meant by a lot, I never would have dated him. But whatever... things are what they are. All I ask is for him to make it up to me a bit by giving me a night a week where he takes over it all.

Am I being ridiculous? Or am I being fair like I feel I am?