first deployment and need other military spouses i can relate to

Amy - posted on 03/28/2011

I think you might be surprised that having even more to do might make it easier. People tend to adapt much better than they think they will, and often times discover strength they didn't realize was there when faced with seemingly impossible challenges. Here is a solution. ...take ONE online class. See how you do.

Nura - posted on 03/28/2011

I married my husband after he left the military, so I can't imagine how difficult it is to raise two little ones while he is away. I did spend five years as a single mom (before I met my husband) and went back to school during that time. It is possible to juggle kids, family, school, etc. if you're determined to do it.

Have you thought about just taking one class and not going back to school full time? Like dipping your toe back into the back-to-school pool. That way you don't have the pressure of a full courseload, but you can feel like you're making progress. Are there online classes you could take? That was what I did for the first semester....I did all of my studying at night after I put my baby to bed.

You may also find it reinvigorating to go back to school....you'll meet new people and find new adult friends which can be a nice change of pace when the rest of your time is spent with kids!!

Whatever you decide, love yourself for making the decision, because it will be the best one for you and your family. Good luck!

Krista - posted on 02/03/2011

i understand what your going through believe me! My husband just got deployed 2 weeks ago and it is very upsetting! but i would def. take this opportunity to go back to school. A. your in-laws could help watch the babies while you go, and B. it will keep you busy, and your mind off of the deployment most of the day. As hard as it is, u just have to keep busy and try not think about the deployment. Take this time to do something for yourself even if its something small like taking a cooking class or something :) Just hang in there!!!

Tah - posted on 02/01/2011

what shelly said, i also worked and went to school while the husband was deployed, it made time fly by, it kept my mind off of everything going on. the 3 kids were here and we made it work, i have no doubt you can do it, you have a support system right there, use it. i wish you the best...

Ty - posted on 02/01/2011

Shelly that was well said! I can tell u r an experienced wife. :) U encouraged me and my hubby is here. :) I know what u r talking about Ella. I have three kids and when my hubby was deployed i tried to go ti school online. It was too hard. I never had time for homework. I just did fun things with the kids. Me and other wives took the kids out. I think its better to stay near other wives. We all had each other. The time flew by! :)

Marissa - posted on 01/28/2011

Stay home trust me my husband was deployed and when he left I was working full time so my girls (ages 9 and 4) were having to go daycares and we were eating what ever I pulled out of the freezer and I felt they were being neglected. Part way through the deployment I lost my job and me and my husband decided it was better for me not to look for a job until he got home. It was the best thing I could do I got to actually cook meals for my kids get them ready for school in the mornings get them off the bus and do homework with them. Enjoy your kids while they r little stay home wait until he gets back then go to school.

Elia - posted on 01/20/2011

I will def look into that thatnk you so much i have never even hear of that so hopefully i find one nearby. and we do skype when my husbands internet is wroking.thank you so much. :)

Tamitha - posted on 01/20/2011

Have you looked into a local MOPS group on or off base? (Mother's of Pre-schoolers). The group is a christian centered group for moms of birth to 5 years olds, and most have child-care provided. This gives you a much needed break, and a chance to talk and relax with other women. I started attending when my husband was gone for 9 months with BMT and Tech school and volenteered in one while my husband was on his first deployment. Staying busy and focusing a routine around your kids is the best advice I have. School or not is completely up to YOU. Otherwise, I agree with what everyone else has said. I'm sorry your opinions/feelings weren't taken seriously, but as long as you can find a support group around you, that's all you need.
Oh - and Skype all you can. Not only so you can see and talk to your husband, but so your kids can see him too. My son does so much better during a deployment if he can see Papa once every couple of weeks. If you don't have it, I highly recommend getting it. It is free - just need a computer and webcame. :) Good luck with this deployment and take care of yourself.

Elia - posted on 01/20/2011

north texas

Dominic - posted on 01/20/2011

where are you located at?

Elia - posted on 01/13/2011

All you ladies have made such good points. Thank you so much,I would love to thank each and every one of you individually but there are just too many posts. All of these have been very very helpful.

Colleen - posted on 01/13/2011

This is our first deployment, too. My husband left in June, when our son was 3 1/2 months old. We also have two dogs. I have friends who keep their lives CRAZY busy, because for them that helps the time to pass faster. For me, that would make me hate deployment even more. I spend my days with the baby and the dogs. During naptimes I do my FRG stuff (I co-lead our Company-level FRG). And I relish my quiet evenings, when kiddos (I include the dogs in this) are sleeping and it's just me picking up or having a glass of wine or reading a magazine.

My point is this: I agree with the other posters who are advising you to only take on what you can handle. Be honest with yourself about how you really want to spend your time, and don't let anyone else pressure you into doing more than you want. There's no sense in wearing yourself down with too many responsibilities--two small kids will wear you down enough! Do what's best for you, and don't apologize. If school is too much right now, that's okay.

Gina - posted on 01/13/2011

You need to do whatever it is that makes you and your kids happy while your husband is deployed! Don't let anyone make you feel bad for whatever decision you make. Your husband needs you too be happy just as much as you do, it will help him feel better about being away and also allow him to focus on his job so he can come back to you and your kids safe and sound! Hang in there, we are all in this together!

Sherry - posted on 01/13/2011

I know its hard and not alot of people seem to understand what your going thru, but you not alone. Remember that you have your family there to speak to. My husband is stationed in Ft Leonard Wood, MO. my children 3yr and 4 moth are in PA. He joined Oct 2009 but by the time base training and his AIT was finished we found out we where having another little girl, so we decided the best thing for both the children would be to stay in our home town. I have seen my husband twice in the last 15 month mouth and he was not able to be he for his childs birth. But if it was for family I know I couldn't of got thru it without them. So don't be afraid to open up to the people that love you. They can be a big help. Don't woory about what other think do Want you know your able to do, but find sometime for your self even if its a few minutes a day or an hour on the weekend to do something that you enjoy. It does help

Cassidy - posted on 01/13/2011

I went back to school during my husbands first deployment but our boys were 4 and 5. I continued until we got orders to Germany but took 6 months off for the move and to get settled. I started back up a week after I had our third boy. It's very hard to know when it is really the right time to go back to school. You can always start and if it's just too much then either finish the class or see what you have to do to withdrawl. You can only take so much pressure. I had a couple that really helped me while my husband was deployed so I could get my homework done. I just picked a couple nights a week to concentrate on my homework and the other nights were for my boys, me, and friends. I know how hard it is to go to school with such a little one but if you really want to go then you can do it. Just make sure you ask for help. Anytime you start to feel like it's too much take a break. That means do something for YOU. You have to have YOU time or you will lose your mind. I wish you the best of luck.

Krislyn - posted on 01/12/2011

hi Elia, the first deplowment is always the hardest, so it's okay to have feelings and emotions it's normal sometimes you may get angry or frustrated but God willing at the end of it all you will truly know the meaning of intimacy. It's meaning far passes the physical world and is all about comunication. You be surprised how this could give you and ur husband an oppurttunity to bond on another level. As well as you having time for self discoveey and bonding with your children. My first deployment my husband & I well we were still dating & yes I kept myself really busy with a full time job & full time school . Ihe came home in April and broke up with me he was suffering really bad pttsd that was his 2nd combat tour in "raq but a month later I graduated we stayed friends then got engaged in July married in Aug find out I was pregnant and only spent weekends together because of all his training I stayed working and at 23 wks pregant he left for his tour in Afgan. He came home when our baby was 3 months. I opted to stay home and I still don't have a pating job my baby is my work. I jus feel like since I have the oppurtunity to be with him it's the best care. You have family close by mine are three hours away so your really lucky no it's not the same as hubby but it's amazing to have, and sounds like yiu have a christian family as well so whatever YOU decide is best for you and ultimately best for your kiddies follow your heart and pray and the Lord to help direct you. Stay in touch with us my 1st deployment my hubby't best friend who deployed with him well girl friend was really good to talk, laugh, and cry with. Sorry I talk a lot but I also have two ears. So thank you and your family for all the sacrficing you are doing and don't just believe Know God will be with you each and every day & night. This will make you stronger much love talk to us whenever you need to God bless

Janice - posted on 01/12/2011

Elia, I'm in Texas also, but not close to an AFB. I am so sorry that you were treated as you were at that meeting. I can understand why you stopped going. I'm glad that you have great Christians around you who are supportive. Keep your head up and drop me a line anytime. You can add me to your support team. God Bless!!

Elia - posted on 01/12/2011

Thank you all for all the wonderful advice and opinions. Really great and very encouraging. My husbands unit is in Utah and I live in Texas. We have a Airforce base and I went to the FRG meetings they had here but because I am young I was always treated like I didn't matter and my opinions weren't taken seriously. THey all had a "what does she know" attitude towards me. And if I'm going to go and talk about my feelings and my problems and be shut down and not respected than why would I want to be a part of that? So, I stopped going. I do however, have my family here and my husbands and also a have great support group of women who have never been in my shoes but are great friends,understanding and loving christians.

Thanks again so much to all of you. :)

Janice - posted on 01/12/2011

Elia, thanks to your husband for serving our country and to you for standing behind him while doing so. I remember our 1st deployment very well. It's hard when our spouses are deployed but we can do it. It may not seem like we will survive the deployment at first but we do. A lot of people do a lot of things while their spouses are deployed but you have to remember not to listen to what everyone says. When it's right for you, you will go back, don't let others pressure you to do something you may not want to do at that moment. You will get LOTS of advice but always remember don't let that advice stress you out or make you feel uncomfortable. Your kids can and will pick up on your mood so try to stay positive and not let them see you at a low moment. I know it will be hard but keep yourself and your little ones busy. Don't forget about YOU. Like they said in the previous posts, take time out for YOU. Even if it's time to read a few chapters in a book, to enjoy a movie and a bowl of popcorn or by taking a walk. Find a Mommy & Me play group near you or your unit support group. I only wish I knew what a support group or an ombudsman was when my husband first joined the Navy 26 years ago. Keep busy and before you know it, he will be home. GOD BLESS!

Priscilla - posted on 01/12/2011

Elia, it sounds like others are putting pressure on you to go back to school. If its not something you can handle then don't go back. Maybe it sounds easy to them for you to be able to take care of the kids and go to school but only you know if it will be easy or make or life more difficult. I just had my first baby 5 weeks ago and my husband got deployed just a few days ago. so I know how you are feeling right now.

Kasha - posted on 01/11/2011

I agree with Lee.....some people can take on a lot...and others need smaller bits. If you truly want to try to go back, I would start with one class and see how it goes. Its okay that right now you are still working on a routine that mostly involves just yourself with the kiddos....if the school thing works great, if not find lots of things for you and the kiddos to do, and as someone said...make time for yourself.

Brenda - posted on 01/10/2011

Only you know how much you can handle. Not every solution will work for every person. Everyone is different. I have also suffered from postpartum depression, so I know what a challenge that alone is. Two kids under the age of three is plenty of work for someone who is trying to be mom and dad right now. If you don't feel up to it, don't stress. School will still be there when you are ready. You won't do well if you are too burned out and your kids won't get what they need from you while your husband is gone either. Do what you feel is right for you. There is plenty to stay busy with (especially with two little ones) and it isn't like you aren't doing anything if you don't go to school...you are being the best mom you can for your kids! =)

my best to you!! good luck!

Leigha - posted on 01/10/2011

You can do it! We have 3 little girls, the last one was born during our last deployment. My husband came home when my youngest was 3 months old and I'll admit there were days when I felt like I couldn't do it, but you pull through. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Find your FRG (Family Readiness Group). They usually have monthly meetings, children's get togethers and even adult nights for you. Not to mention you will be in a room with spouses in your situation as well and you can be face to face and share your feelings and emotions. You should have an Ombudsman that can help you as well and you'll make some new friends. It's a tough life being a military spouse, especially one with children so find the support and keep busy, busy, busy!

Elia - posted on 01/10/2011

We live in Wichita Falls,Tx

Elia - posted on 01/10/2011

Thank you Shelly that was real helpful and very encouraging.

Shelly - posted on 01/09/2011

Elia where are you living now? Where are you stationed? Listen girl, you have to stay busy to keep your mind off him being depoyed! We have been in 24 years now and I have gone through many deployments. This last time he left and was gone 2 years, I worked a full time job, part time job, and went to school full time and graduated in 2008 all with 3 boys 1 babysitter and hubby being gone. You can do it. Things are going to be overwhelming trust me but this is why you need to get you a support channel. You have your inlaws there to help you, I am sure they are more than willing if you tell them of your plans. Don't hibernate and shut down this will cause the depression to really take over. You have to be strong and yes I do understand it's better said than done but you have to try. I have been in your position many times so I do understand the demands of motherhood, its exhausting but you have to use your support line like your inlaws if you feel you need to take a break. Make time for you, alone time whether it just be a bubble bath or a walk to a park you have to have that alone time to unwind and de-stress! Keep your head up you will make up!