getting scared by all the negativity...why so much drama in the military? (wives n female soldiers)

Kendra - posted on 02/06/2010 ( 252 moms have responded )

290

2

18

My husband has been in the army for only a year now (will be finishing ait in 2 weeks) so i am well aware that i am a newbie to this military wife thing. My father was in the army, but as a child i never heard of all the adult drama. I have so many people telling me not to trust the women my husband works with (which has put a major strain on our marriage) So many stories of cheating wives and cheating husbands, im honestly scared to death about all of this. When i joined this group i thought it would be drama free...mostly talking about deployment, get togethers, idk stuff like that. i was wrong...there are even MORE stories of "he cheated on me, i cheated on him....bla bla bla".

my question is to the wives: why do you sit around and create/discuss so much drama? Has the military life always been this way for you?

my other question, for those women who have also once been a soldier: do i really need to worry about you ladies working with my husband? i was once told that women only join the military to get guys....is this true? AND are there female soldiers that really dont care if a guy is married? i would like to think they would respect that he is and know their boundaries.

like i said, its only been a year for me, and in that year i have become quite the jealous type and also quite a bitch. lol i wasnt always this way and really dont wanna be this way. but it seems to me thats how it is in the military, drama drama drama...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kinyada - posted on 02/06/2010

3

10

0

I have been in the Army for over 14 years, and no, I do not want your husband. I have my own husband. I did not join the Army at 18 to "get guys", that is so absurd. I was never a "barrack whore", nor do I know anyone who was. There are women who make bad decisions everywhere, they are not just in the military. There many women in the world who don't care about whether a man is married, just like there are males that don't care if a women is married, this is not military specific. It takes two to tango, so you should be discussing this issue with your spouse, and not worried about if I am trying to steal him from you. This is so funny to me. Many of you spouses don't want us to think of you as "fat and lazy", but you can think of us as man-stealing whores? Really? Newsflash, if your spouse wanted to cheat on you, it has nothing to do with his co-workers, its a act he chooses to do.

[deleted account]

As for the drama, hell if I know, so I'll just answer the questions about female soldiers.

1) Are there female soldiers who don't care if someone's married or single? Yeah, there are, and the percentage of them is almost exactly the same as the percentage of civilian girls who have that attitude. In other words, it's not the majority, far from it. In fact, I've seen a WHOLE lot more of male soldiers who ditched the wedding ring as soon as we had wheels up so they could hit on girls from other units after a while (hey, tan lines fade) who didn't know they were married. I've seen many times more of that than female soldiers who don't care who's married and who's not.

2) I hate when people ask if women only join the military to get men. We join the military for the same reasons as anyone else does. Many of us do meet our husbands in the military, but look at the ratios! They are hugely in our favor! I think that's probably why people think we only join to meet guys, because so many of us end up meeting someone in the course of duty, but really, that's more of a byproduct of serving.

3) Do you need to worry about your husband working with female soldiers? Well, do you worry about him working with civilian females? The answer is the same. It comes down to trusting him, and also not being an idiot. There are signs of cheating, and some wives I've seen are masters at ignoring them, so basically, don't live on edge or anything, but if something trips your spidey sense, look into it further, and figure out why that is. In the majority of cases, you have nothing to worry about from your husband's coworkers, just like in the civilian world. Treat it the same, because it's really, in garrison, all that's different is the attire.

Kinyada - posted on 02/08/2010

3

10

0

Zandra, thanks but no thanks. I will not back off. You cannot judge the hundreds of thousands of military women that have served or are currently serving, off the few you have come across. If I knew 10 military women and 9 of them cheated on their spouse or went after a married man, then sure, I would have the same feelings as you do. But, as an adult, I am way smarter that than, and I know that the minority doesn't represent the majority. To call us "barracks whores" is reaching a bit. What you are saying is a slap in the face of all of us who chose to do the right thing. Maybe I should change my thinking to yours and start saying all military spouses are fat and lazy because of the few bad apples I have come into contact with. Completely discounted the hardworking, hard charging spouses that are making a difference in their family's lives and serve as their husband's backbone. I would be remiss and judgemental if I did so, as you are doing with your "barracks whore" statements.

Tah - posted on 02/11/2010

7,412

22

356

lauren will be the reason so many post about wives wearing their husbands rank are started. Here's the reality..she has no rank, therefore no cause to pass judgement on anybody enlisted or otherwise. esp those who keep the military going....

Shelby - posted on 02/11/2010

258

13

12

Personally...Lauren is an embarrassment. I just went today to get my "blue" sticker, and change my I.D. I just hope that other wives don't base their perception of the "O" wives from such a statement. I mean I know I've heard "things" my friends giving me a hard time about becoming all "hoity toity" LOL...but that was all in fun, However with ignorance such as that, There is no wonder we can't all see on the same lines!!!

This conversation has been closed to further comments

252 Comments

View replies by

Tah - posted on 06/19/2011

7,412

22

356

Hello ladies..

This always a good topic, but I will be locking it as it is an older post, please feel free to start another on this topic.

Jordan - posted on 06/17/2011

116

44

22

I've been with my spouse for 11 years, married for 8 of those and I am 25. Am I the only one that thinks that if you don't trust your spouse you should probably rethink the values of marriage?! Regardless of how many "Barracks Whores" you think there may be out there, your man would have to agree to any hanky panky that goes on... I would talk to your spouse and not to all the women around you. It sounds like you need to work on trust. I am not being mean or hateful, please don't think that, just honest with you. I hope you can work things out and not worry so much.

Suset - posted on 06/17/2011

6

16

1

my husband is in AIT right now, and he was in the barracks, while we were just down the street living on post. He would tell me about girls who were obviously hitting on every uniformed guy around, including him and his friends. Luckily I trust my man, and I know those kind of women are everywhere, not just the military. I don't worry, and if you have always trusted your man, I wouldn't worry about it either, because he'd do the right thing. It's unfortunate how the negative stories always get highlighted, I know many military couples who have NEVER cheated on each other for the entirety of their enlistment. But you know how drama can get the spotlight.

Suset - posted on 06/17/2011

6

16

1

my husband is in AIT right now, and he was in the barracks, while we were just down the street living on post. He would tell me about girls who were obviously hitting on every uniformed guy around, including him and his friends. Luckily I trust my man, and I know those kind of women are everywhere, not just the military. I don't worry, and if you have always trusted your man, I wouldn't worry about it either, because he'd do the right thing. It's unfortunate how the negative stories always get highlighted, I know many military couples who have NEVER cheated on each other for the entirety of their enlistment. But you know how drama can get the spotlight.

Ashley - posted on 03/03/2010

44

2

10

I would honestly say that if you're worried about cheating it would be more of a problem with your husband thatn the women he works with. I've met many females in all different branches of the service and while some are on the "easier" side, so are civillian women. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married 3 (the entire time he's been enlisted) and we've been through a whirlwind of things together but one thing I never worried about was the women he worked with. And yes, there are those who don't care the your husband is a married man but you're going to come across that anywhere you go. One thing I will say, and I say it to any woman, don't let him walk all over you. Stand up for yourself and what you feel is right. That doesnt mean you have to accuse him of things but if there are things that are bothering you then there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him about your concerns and talking about it like adults. Just keep your hed up and be confident in yourself and in your relationship and take things as they come. =0)

Laura - posted on 03/03/2010

8

39

0

Been married 7 years this June and hubby has been active duty almost 10... He got alot of his single party ways out of his system before me. I also was pretty lucky since hes a submariner.. No women on submarines. On our end it was mostly wives lots and lots of cheating wives. At this point we only have two couples left that are married that were our friends, and thats over the years. And they got out of the navy :( To avoid drama on all ends weve learned idol hands and minds really mess with you. There are times when I didnt work when I was pg with our son and when he was very small but then I went back when my husband was on shore duty or school. Working really keeps you busy gave me other things to worry about... A house can only be so clean and your child at a certian age will do well with a group of children even if its part time. You gotta do what works for your family. The best thing is that we like each other we want to spend our time together. Have the same friends and hobbys and make sure the company we keep respects me and him and our marriage. Now that my husband has crossrated and is going to be working with women im not worried we have been thru so much and were much stronger. There are bad people everywhere its how you deal with them and how you keep yourself that matters.

Amy - posted on 03/03/2010

65

3

6

I have been in the military for 5yrs and married for most of it. I have learned women in the military are just as bad as women that are not in the military. I have also learned that while women are often blamed for this problem, men are just as bad. Don't judge all women, we are all not out to find a man, some of us actually want to do our job and serve our country. Women in the military can have morals just like you beleive it or not. Tell your husband what you are worried about and why, don't be afraid to talk. You just need to talk about how you feel, and what is going on. Develope a trust so you don't need to worry.

Jess - posted on 03/03/2010

106

11

9

I agree that we are no different than any other civilians but I am not so sure about the close knit thing. It's great if that has been your experience but I have not gotten a close knit feeling in my 3 years of military spouse-dom. In fact my experience has been the opposite. There seems to be a lot competition, gossip, insecurity, flakiness, and just all around distant people. Perhaps it is me but I have yet to feel the love. lol!

Makena - posted on 02/23/2010

15

12

1

This depends on who you are as a person and who you hang around with. The women who gossip and cause trouble will and it's up to you if you want them as friends. There are plenty of good military wives out there, we are not all the same. Yes, we are closer knit than civilians. Yes there is cheating. But, is it really more cheating than civilians? I'm not so sure. I think it's just easier to be found out. No need to panic over. Be strong and find good not gossiper friends. They do exist.

Amanda - posted on 02/23/2010

234

10

26

My worst experiance in almost 12 years of being a spouse was from another spouse, her husband, [who worked in the same shop as mine] had an affair with a girl in services. I was nothing but sympathetic, her husband was an idiot for cheating and the girl was an idiot because she knew he was married, but that just wasnt enough for her, I guess she felt I should be alot more upset than I was becasue after the guys got back from a tdy she called me and tried to tell me that my husband and the same girl her husnad cheated with had "gotten together" on the tdy. It was not true, what it was, was hurtful that someone I was sympithetic toward for what they had gone through was trying to ruin my marriage just to get me more on her side.

Yes there definatly are women in the military that you have to watch out for because they just want to sleep their way to the next stripe, or what ever the motivation is for that sort of thing [I'll never understand it] but you also need to watch out for the nosy busybody wives [we're not all that way though :) ]

Andrea - posted on 02/22/2010

45

17

0

I am not in the military, but my husband is. He has 9 years in. I have heard stories about cheating spouses on deployed, in base housing and work. I'm not trying to scare you tho. Its all about the person. I know how much my husband loves me and our family. I can honestly say he would never, but I know of one female that tried too. Its all about the type of person your husband is and how much he loves his family. Before I was a spouse I felt the same way about why females join the military and I also heard from females in the military it was a great way to meet guys. But there are lot of females that join for the right reason and have respect for others marriages. I have met a lot of great females that I would completely trust on a deployment with him.

Oh yeah I'm not sure about the other branches, but I do know the navy takes adultry very serious.

Jess - posted on 02/22/2010

106

11

9

Okay.....here is what I think should answer your question: If you trust your husband than there should be no problem. In the end other women can (and will) try but it is up to your husband to make the right decisions. So, tune out all the Military BS and drama and enjoy your marriage! Also, I think there is alot of negativity or drama becuase being a married takes hard work add in all the unique situations that military couples go through creates stress and a need to vent. I think that when a woman vents it should be just accepted as such and not criticized. Maybe that would cut down on all the fights and accusations.

Felicia - posted on 02/21/2010

129

7

10

Bottom line Sara, you have to trust your husband. I have never once doubted my husband's loyalty. And I never will.

Kristen - posted on 02/19/2010

44

23

3

i dont trust a lot of the females do to the fact of when my husband was at ait when they had weekend passes a lot of people were sleeping around. married and non married. one of his battle buddies is now going through a divorce because of it!

Kristen - posted on 02/19/2010

44

23

3

i dont trust a lot of the females do to the fact of when my husband was at ait when they had weekend passes a lot of people were sleeping around. married and non married. one of his battle buddies is now going through a divorce because of it!

Shelby - posted on 02/19/2010

258

13

12

Wow Yolanda, I do have to say, I wonder the same thing about the teenagers, I mean yeah I have some young ones too but my oldest kids, bored out of their skulls!!! Its hard pressed to find anyone the same age on base as my sons. As far as the racism that really sucks, It has been just the opposite for us, I'm really glad my children are growing up in the military. The schools have always been heavily integrated with several different cultures, everyone they see are living the same lives, making the same money, etc...regardless of race, religion, etc... So personally for us, the military has been a lot better at giving our children better experiences with life than the civilian world, because right now, We are in The D.C. area and they are going to public schools up here and we LONGGGGGG for them to be back in the DOD school system. I am soooo sick of the racism out here. I just want to be back on our base where my children felt o.k. to be friends with whomever they wanted to be friends with.

Best of luck to you though, and I hope things get better for you.

Yolanda - posted on 02/19/2010

2

26

0

my husband has been in the milatary for 1 year and its been hell. I don't worry about the women in the military to much Im just stressed out on how unfriendly milatry wives can be. I think for irwin is the most boring and unfriendly place you can be! I have only 1 friend on this god forsaken post. I actually thought it would be some what like the show ARMY WIVES.......NOT! this is my first time dealing with the milatary period! And there is alot of raisicm in the milatary as well. My husband is from egypt and I cuz people see the last name on the front of my house and don't want to socialize. As for DRAMA i went thru that experience already with another milatary WIFE! And what is it with everynoe only having babies or young children here! Were are the DAMN teenagers cuz thats what I have! Well i can't wait for 2 years to go by I miss NY badly........

Julia - posted on 02/19/2010

1,075

16

79

Ok Kendra...here is my suggestion to you. I don't know if you have done this already but next time he gets a text like that....GO WITH HIM!!!! Pack up the baby put them in the car seat and make the bitch sit in the back. Then when he is taking her where ever she needs to go you can get to know her and ask her some questions. Like WHY do you call MY HUSBAND (make sure you refer to him as this everytime you say something) for a ride? WHY do you hang up on me when I answer MY HUSBAND'S phone? That's what I would do!

Salina - posted on 02/18/2010

5

9

0

Yes there is alot of drama in the millitary. It sucks but its true. My husband has been in for 3 yrs now. An yes the wives do talk alot about everything so theres bound to be tons of drama. Yes there are alot of whores out there but in your everyday life theres goin to be people like that as well. An if you move a hundred people away from everyone an thing they know they r bound to talk. So yeah theres drama especial cuz we are put in the situations we are like our husbands bein gone for a yr or more at a time. BUT not all woman are that way! I have some very awesome friends that dont cheat on there husband. I dont cheat my husband doesnt cheat. Its all in who you choose to hang out with. An yes there can be alot of woman that are in the millitary that are whoes as well. But like i said they arnt all that way. I lived with a female soldier for several months an they have several stereo types about millitary wives as well that arnt true. You just need to exsperince it for yourself. Things will be very different once you make it to your 1st duty station. You will meet some realy aweful people but you will probably also make some realy good friends an be frineds for life. Its all in what you make it. Back to the females in the millitary they arnt all whoes there are alot that are an they dont join just to sleep around. They join for smililar reasons to everyone else. To make a career or money or get out of a bad situation! Im sure you will meet one, one day an probably become good friends! Just go into it open minded thats all i can say! You never know you might make a great friend!

Kendra - posted on 02/18/2010

290

2

18

tah...yea most of those girls i believe are getting stationed where were are. soooo yea still a problem lol

Tah - posted on 02/18/2010

7,412

22

356

@kendra..wow...i knew there was more....but we already talked about it in private, i just hope he is doing what he said and you are holding him to it because i would have run his phone over a long time ago..no wonder your so excited to move, because you feel like those girls won't be a problem, ..the real is, if he doesn't think there is a problem and he doesn't change and respect u as well as demand all women he works with or knows does too then nowhere you go will be any different. So i think a fresh start is in order for you and him.

Shelby - posted on 02/18/2010

258

13

12

Well in all honesty you posted asking what to expect from the relationship between your husband and the women that he works with because of what you have heard about them...And in your situation, the problem is not the female soldiers. The problem is your husband. This had NOTHING to do with the fact that your husband is a quiet guy, so is mine. We don't do ANYTHING with other couples. We spend 100% of our time together. Never with other people. Your husband is maintaining an inappropriate relationship that makes it o.k. for other women to disrespect you and it is really just that simple. There is just no way to wrap that up in silk and drop it on ya softly.

Kendra - posted on 02/18/2010

290

2

18

shelby: i wasnt trying to say im naive to the fact of whats going on. she just made my situation seem like...ok so what? who cares? like i was over reacting.

Suzette - posted on 02/18/2010

1,086

29

0

Kendra, you're not over reacting. Even with a quiet husband we do socialize. Josh is quiet (my hubby) but we have our friends, they're neighbors and a few that he works with, but we don't go out or do anything other than dinner with friends. If you compared it to the way I lived before marriage (and pregnancy lol) some would say it's boring. In my eyes, it's what I love. If I were given the choice to have that previous lifestyle with my husband or the one I have now, I would choose this one. It's become who I am. But if I were in your situation, I would be questioning things as well. Regardless of age, regardless of my security with who he works with, regardless of my trust and faith in him. That's enough to shake a woman and make her wonder and think. If the women my husband works with called here and didn't talk to me, the way that they do now, and they didn't explain why they were calling, I would be downright pissed off. Thankfully, when they call, they tell me who they are when I ask, and what they're calling about. I know about his day, about who he works with, and if he's going to/has been in a vehicle with anyone else. If he absolutely has to pick someone else up for any reason, it would be because their husband is tdy/deployed and they need a ride to a docs appt or something of that nature. In which case the FRG is looking out for those women.

As I said though, I would be wondering and thinking the same things. Heck, being pregnant and with the bit of weight I've gained (which is about 15-18 pounds) I question how he can be attracted to me now... and he is... but I still question it. So I get the security factor as well. It's not that I'm not secure with myself, but I've always been self conscious about the image, so I understand what you mean about the after pregnancy, only mine is more while I'm pregnant. lol.

I would be wondering even MORE if I saw risky pictures of the women my husband works with, thankfully most of them are older, and pretty much all of them are married to men that he knows. I know that AIT is different than what I know, I've heard anyway. So hopefully your move will prove to be much better for you. We all have things that linger in the back of our heads. If you're pcsing, I hope none of the women your hubby knows there are going to the same station. It should make things a lot easier for you both. :) If things don't start getting better with the trust situation, see a counselor. It could help you both. ;)

Shelby - posted on 02/18/2010

258

13

12

"and to answer your question of whats my point? well...let your husband act as a cab service for women you have never even seen (and the picture you HAVE seen of them are a little risky). imagine you just having a baby, just moved in with your husband ( he left right after we got married to go to basic so we never got to really live together) and you see texts saying "marcus where are youuuu? i need someone to talk to!" or..."marcus come get me its raining and i dont wanna be in the rain" again..these are women you dont know. in ait there are no bbqs n stuff. or when you pick up his phone they hang up on you.

yea i bet youd be pissed and a little worried. so again i dont think im over reacting at all."


Are you serious???? You've got bigger problems than rumors...I'm gonna go ahead and tell ya that, and if your too naive to see that, then your problems are only gonna get bigger.

Kendra - posted on 02/18/2010

290

2

18

@ suzette- thank you. you know how it is to have a quiet husband and yes that makes it so much harder to welcome people into my life. but this move is gonna be a fresh start and im sooo excited!



@katie- thanks for the wishes. and yes you are older, and i also see that youre a mother of 3. if i had three kids yes, i wouldnt be sitting around all day thinking about rumors n such. my home is clean, my husband is fed, and so is my child...so dont think that i dont do anything. (not just you, thats to is for everyone) but yes, during nap time and at night (my husband worked late hrs so we have become night people) i have free time. and during that free time i do think about the things ive heard. sometimes i dont even know why i started thinking about it. its just there, in the back of my head.



also the age does play a factor into it. it doesnt matter if you are a new military wife as well. im just now starting my life, it just so happens to be in the military. i had a 6 month period of "me time" right outta highschool. then came the pregnancy, marriage and so on. so i really didnt have time to grow as a person. i dont know your story but yes you are older and have grown into the woman you are today. i am still learning.



and to answer your question of whats my point? well...let your husband act as a cab service for women you have never even seen (and the picture you HAVE seen of them are a little risky). imagine you just having a baby, just moved in with your husband ( he left right after we got married to go to basic so we never got to really live together) and you see texts saying "marcus where are youuuu? i need someone to talk to!" or..."marcus come get me its raining and i dont wanna be in the rain" again..these are women you dont know. in ait there are no bbqs n stuff. or when you pick up his phone they hang up on you.



yea i bet youd be pissed and a little worried. so again i dont think im over reacting at all.

Suzette - posted on 02/18/2010

1,086

29

0

Katie, I did read that part, what you were saying was that you didn't have enough time to read all the posts that were placed on here, but that you read her "situation" and the question that popped into your head was "what was her point?"



You didn't have to take time to read everyone else's responses, there really was no point in that. But if you had read her situation, the posts she'd placed on here, you might've been more understanding instead of flinging out something stating that you were so readily adjusted because you're "older and you took the time to do this, this, this, and that." I did take the time to read what you wrote, I didn't just jump on what you said.

Katie - posted on 02/18/2010

113

6

18

To Suzette-if you read the very first line it says that I read almost all of the post. Also my answer is to her orignal question of all the rumors. Wow I wish you the best Kendra. I do hope whatever you do once you do move that you and your family are happy!

Suzette - posted on 02/18/2010

1,086

29

0

@Kendra, Good for you, I agree with Tah. It's good that you're planning to make a change, even if he doesn't like the fact that you're going to make some new friends, create a support group for yourself of people that you can trust. He'll come around eventually. At some point he has to understand that you need those people there for you, whether it's just as an everyday friend, or if he gets deployed and you need the group for support.

Suzette - posted on 02/18/2010

1,086

29

0

Katie, Not every husband is like yours, mine, or another woman's where they understand that we need that support system. Not every husband is as accepting of groups in their homes, whether that group of people happens to be a few neighbors or the people from their units. And not every husband associates with the bbq's, unit functions, etc. (In fact, not every unit has a squad sports game.) There are husbands who prefer to be more of a home body type and spend their time ONLY with their family, they tend to be more conservative and somewhat antisocial. For those husbands it is difficult when a wife attempts to branch out and have friends outside of the marriage, whether they be male or female, (usually especially male friends). Kendra has the issue that her husband is nothing like yours, her husband is a lot more conservative. He would rather spend time at home, doing his own thing, so her branching out when they move is a big deal for her. People CAN change who they've become, whether you want to believe that or not, it is possible. The fact that she's willing to branch out once they've moved, WILL help her with that change.

As for your last sentence, "So maybe it’s because I'm older then you and have a little more security in the people my husband works with but at some point I hope you make the support you WILL need with in the military and learn to trust some people." If you'd been paying attention to the things she's saying, the fact that she's going to branch out and meet new people and make friends (regardless of how comfortable her husband is with that) once they move... that's EXACTLY what she's doing.

Katie - posted on 02/18/2010

113

6

18

Ok I have taken the time off and on since my original post to read almost all of the post. Which took some time.

To Lauren- As stupid as I think a few of your comments have been. I’m not going to lower myself to your level. Just remember that you and your husband put his life in the hands of enlisted personal. If you aren't standing behind our troops with support please feel free to stand in front of them on those front lines!!!

To Kendra- If I had enough time in the day to worry over every little thing that I heard (fact or fiction) then I must not have enough to do in a day. Yes some rumors are true on both sides of the fence. Moving or not isn't going to change who YOU have become. EVERY woman has a body flaw that makes them uncomfortable civilian or military. So that an issue you need to take up with yourself or a medical professional. I have read your "situation" and my question is what is your point? I have been a military wife for less time then you. I trust my husband. I have made it a point to be at function and the squad sports games, bbq, I bake things for him to take to work to share with everyone else. My home has been opened to everyone for every holiday for some have no where else to go. So maybe it’s because I'm older then you and have a little more security in the people my husband works with but at some point I hope you make the support you WILL need with in the military and learn to trust some people.

Jennifer - posted on 02/18/2010

10

10

2

Hello. my name is Jenny. I have been married to my husband for a little over three years and he is on his second tour to Iraq. Yes it is very true that husbands cheats on there wives and wives cheat on there husbands (which i learned that from last deployment) But i have learned that if i get to know the female in my husbands company, i don't seem to worry so much. Now it is true depending on the female sodier, if they will sleep with a married man or not, but it is VERY frowned upon. All I can tell you is try not to worry about what could happen, if you two have good communication you will be fine.

Tah - posted on 02/18/2010

7,412

22

356

@Kendra....I think that is a good idea, when you are in the house all day you need to have someone to talk to and to pursue your goals.....

Kendra - posted on 02/18/2010

290

2

18

@ katie



i dont believe i am over reacting. in fact if you knew my situation you would say i need to react more! its nice that you hang out with him n his friends but i havent been able to do that here. im at home alone all day sooooo yea.



but like i said in my earlier posts we are moving soon. (2 more days!) and i am definitely going to make more of an effort to branch out and meet ppl. whether my husband wants me to or not.

Brittany - posted on 02/18/2010

62

42

4

first of all TO: Kinyada Colbert

Kendra wasnt calling u a whore!!! so step of ur freakin pedastool... no one cares if youjoined to be in the army or to, as kendra would say "for the guys";.. she was simply asking if the freakin rumors are true... i also have heard these rumors.. but i personally know some army wives and i was just talking to one of the single ladies and she said there are some so called slutty people... and there always will be army or not!! it just sucks like people have said on here talk to ur hubby and see what he says.. like i know im new too but i made it damn clear to eric that if i ever hear or caught him cheating hes sxrewed... and he reverberates to me I wont and dont believe everything u hear... screw that.. im goin to be up front about crap if i have a prob.. so dont be scared.. and if u are worried just invite some to have a "girls nite" i was told if u get to know them they will have less chance of wanting to hang with "jusT" ur hubby and would have more respect for u and him... so just be open and honest and jealousy can be good in a way bc if there is some chick tryna get on ur man u can get rude with her and tell her to F off.... any way hit me up im new to this army life thing too!!!

Monika - posted on 02/18/2010

37

19

0

First off, I just got out of the military and my husband is still in. I didnt join for the men, and i wasnt some whore that was passed around.its like everything else you hear one stereo type and assume thats how everyone is and its not true.also, you have to have trust especially with them being gone so much.if you truly love eachother you shouldnt worry about it.and just trust that he will say no.and if you feel uncomfortable with something then tell him, talk about it.dont just be a "bitch"...he wont understand whats wrong with you.also the drama comes from the people you associate yourself with. just condsider that.goodluck hope you and your husband stay together for a long time.also another good thing is communication.it really helps a relationship!!! :]

Katie - posted on 02/18/2010

113

6

18

Ok I dont have time to read all the posts that have been put on here thus far. However I have been a wife for less time then you but have been around him and his friends for awhile. So I hope you do listen and take some of this to heart. First if you are having insecurtiy issues you need to talk to him about them. Second no not every women in the military (active, reserve, or spouse) has time to sit around and gossip. My husband and his friends love to get together and that lets us woman and moms get together as well. For us its a time to relax and enjoy the company of others. We normally bbq something and that leaves the wives to do the prep work and the cleaning but we do that everyday and when there is enough of us to pitch in it goes quickly.



Please dont get me wrong not every woman that you meet you will be buddies with, but if this is what you husband has chosen for his career then you need to have a little trust, and relax. These "people" we tend to be your support system when you need something and your husband is deployed.



Yes there are some women that will want to sleep with your husband but he has to agree to sleep with her too. Unless your husband has given you a reason to stress yourself out and become a "bitch" then I think you are over reacting a little

Colleen - posted on 02/13/2010

9

22

0

Kendra,



It's not really a military issue it's a relationship issue. Marriage has it's ups and downs. There are many different factors that open your relationship up for things you are concerned about. Your husband married you as you were. Remember to keep improving yourself, you are not defined by his job. He will spend alot of time with those that he works with and he will have alot in common with them whether they be female or male. I would like to add that not all females come into the military to snag a man, they may hope it happens along the way just as you hoped it would happen for you someday. Everyone doesn't have the same morals and ethics that you hold yourself to, it's not a big deal for them but the good thing is you don't have to worry about those who prey on married men if you trust enough in the loyalty of your man and second guessing him is only going to drive him to it. FRGs are a great way to get information but always be confidential about what matters most, your families privacy. If gossip happens don't contribute, you have a choice remember that. You may just be the one that turns it all around into a positive experience for others. Good luck!

Londa - posted on 02/13/2010

3

19

0

My dear Kendra,

I'am a military wife of 15 years and I can assure you that cheating not only happens in the military but also the civilian world as well. Putting on a uniform doesn't miraculously turn you into a "barracks whore" as someone else so eloquently put it. There are a lot of upstanding female soldiers out there that could careless about sleeping with your husband or anyone else's for that matter. I would hope that you would try to form your own opinions about the people you meet and not jump on the band wagon of negativity just because of someone else's bad experiences. Make your own military wife experiences and stop listening to everyone elses,or your going to miss out on alot of great things that this life has to offer. Also, remember that it takes two to tango. Most of the men that have hit on me over the years...Were Married in the military and out!

Yvonne - posted on 02/12/2010

14

17

0

suzette- the name thing i realized that the reply was not threading under the response so ooops its late here so I am a bit slow on the uptake on this and this would be my first time in a forum:o)

Suzette - posted on 02/12/2010

1,086

29

0

Yvonne, when you respond, it would help if you put up who you're talking to. :) (Someone might take it wrong and think you're talking to them and get on the defensive, just a bit of advice... lol)
As far as support... I don't know much about the reserves, actually really nothing at all. But if there's a recruiting station in the area, you might want to just walk in and see if there's anything they can tell you anything about support for the reserve wives. Maybe they have a local support group you could join. It sounds like something small, but it could really help you from the sounds of it. Even if they could just put your name out there as far as introducing you to a couple of other wives in the reserves, at least you'd have a couple of friends nearby who understand what you're dealing with somewhat.
You may want to google 'reserves support groups,' you might find something pops up there. :) I don't have it all figured out either, don't get me wrong. I'm going through training for wives to figure my own stuff out... LOL. Trust me, I'm far from figured out. ;)
In fact, if you go to militaryonesource.com you'll see Guard/Reserve and you can select a branch there. I don't know if they have training for the wives under the reserve section or if they have a forum there or what they have. I know under my branch they have training and a host of different things. Ya never know what you'll find until you look. :)
Good luck!

Yvonne - posted on 02/12/2010

14

17

0

i guess i am just sensitive and i dont respond to that. Maybe that is why it has been so hard but, we do our best you made me smile lol your great. I have been in this for 9 years two deployments first one i was pregnant, a possible one pending but, unlike you my husband likes to drive me nuts and I get to play guessing games maybe he thinks the shelter will protect us. I have approached the why and how and I just guess had enough the sugar coating cuz we as women in this situation need to prepare our minds for this. I am sad that a topic like this is in text it could be a good thing for a lot of women. Maybe a little ;0) :0) ;0( and other emoticons might help to clear the tension on key words that might make some one attack. They should advise this on the gathering site. So i will just disregard the names you mentioned I dont think we are compatible ;0) Good luck to you seems like you have it figured out and your lucky to have your husband in a more secure position.

Yvonne - posted on 02/12/2010

14

17

0

my daughter is not a toddler, I said she was a toddler when he was activated the second time (3) she is now seven, it is hard to explain in terms they can understand at 3 I did my best. He was also deployed 1 week after the crumble of the Twin Towers which happens to be in my state. The hole is still in the ground you can look right into it, We had family members on their way to work in meetings scheduled in that building. thanks to Jesus trains were running late and so were they. I received the phone call early in the morning to turn on the TV and that was how it all started. We waited for a week in suspense to see if he would be needed. We said our good byes that week. following that...i helped pack his apartment with his sis and mom and moved his entire apartment because he wouldn't be needing it. Than I dropped him off at the airport and went my mother in tears thinking we have only known each other for a short time and now he is gone. Lucky for me he wasn't in harms way that time. That duration a lot happened in my life and the rest is magnified by more things that don't pertain to military but, I do believe it brought to light things I didn't know about us as a couple. We are not as strong I think as some of you, but I never wavered and did everything he needed me to do phone calls care packages with sometimes the strangest requests due to lack of baby wipes "i guess :0)" I do feel you need to give people who seem jaded a deep look before you form an opinion, I feel like your talking to me like I have no idea what it is like to be the other half of a difficult time not only for us but, for the whole country look around (said not patronizing) this has trickled down to people who aren't even in the military. I pray for all of us that we all come around to more prosper times. I understand you feel insulted when people sound "ignorant" but how about you stop telling them that and figure out why they come off as ignorant. you may be surprised.

Suzette - posted on 02/12/2010

1,086

29

0

Yvonne, unfortunately everything in text can be taken out of context. It can seem that it's mean spirited even when it's not meant to be. So when someone is talking (before it seems that they should) it really could be that person's way of offering advice, not their way of cutting you down to size, zipping you up, or trying to make you feel like you're smaller than you are. Like I said, it's all about how you take things.

All of our opinions can be taken out of context when it comes to the boards and the text that we put out there. Mine have definitely been taken out of context by some, and some have taken them exactly the way I meant them when I've been p.o.'d (and rightly so, at least in my opinion). Everyone has a right to their feelings, even if their feelings may be a little 'out there' to everyone elses. I'm not a veteran to this, so don't get me wrong. :) My husband and I have only been together for a little over a year now, we've been married almost a year. I've only been actually living the military lifestyle for 8 months. But, I guess I have somewhat of an upside being that I peppered everyone with questions, still do, and I have family that has been in my shoes once upon a moon.

I know how it feels to be scared too. I worry all the time that he's gonna be sent off while I'm pregnant, even if it is just TDY (since I know the unit he's with won't deploy him - it's a special unit - while I'm pregnant because it's high risk). Even if he were sent TDY, it'd be damn hard for me to act like a rock... especially with hormones and being scared out of my mind... I'd do my damndest though. :) I've seen divorces happen in the 8 months that I've been here because of the stress and the heartache. I've vowed to my husband that that will not happen to us, that if that stress does get to me, I know the number for the marriage counselor and I know how to use the phone too. It's a promise we made to one another to not allow it to effect his career. :)

My advice to you is that when you receive what you perceive as a negative comment, don't automatically assume it's negative. Somewhere in there is advice being tossed your way, MOST of the time. MOST of these women are very supportive. (Not all, cause as I'm sure you've seen there are a few strange ones... like Lauren.) Christina, Tah, Shannon, Shelby and a few others are very supportive, very nice women. They will tell you like it is, they will not sugar coat or coddle you. Frankly I don't think they have time for it. LOL. But if you want good advice, listen to them. If it comes across rude, look a little harder. They're likely not trying to be rude unless you've somehow said something that was misworded or misinterpreted somehow. And, if you say something like it was lost in translation, or apologize for the miswording, you'll likely get to start over on whole new ground. The last of your post about allowing people to open up and what you have in common... it works the other way too. :)

Yvonne - posted on 02/12/2010

14

17

0

i would just like to say thank you for understanding what i meant by lost in translation and thank you for not cutting my life down. I feel that there are a lot of ladies that may be jaded because someone didn't tell them what you just told me:o) and I feel a lot of what you just said is what I never had the opportunity to do call it being young and naive at the time but,(we were only together for 9 months and it all seemed so sudden when the towers were hit) if had someone say (in caps to stress importance) exactly what you just nicely put into words I think we would be in a different place right now. They should give military "new bees" handbooks with what you just said. I appreciate that you understand a person has more than one facet to life and some people are a little more sensitive to the stress it can be hard to be a rock or at least act like a rock when your heartbroken and worried. You were honest and not bitter and I do feel like you were standing up for what we all do but, that is just it we all do it and unfortunately for some of us like any ordinary relationship it breaks a relationship I have seen as sure you have, some people are more stable in their relationship to be strong time and time again tested to the end and then someday you can retire and enjoy what you worked so hard for. My advice to you is when someone seems lost like the girl who started this tell them all what you told me it is welcoming and accepting. People will trust the advice you give them with that statement. I have been getting comments from one lady and she is commenting before she even finishes reading. I thank you for taking an opinion and running with it in a debate and not insult. I have learned in life it is better to pick a brain then to insult it. You will never know what a persons life is about unless you let them open with out feeling threatened. I work with people on a daily basis and hear a lot of stories about life and you will be amazed when you ask questions how much you have in common with people.

Lorraine - posted on 02/12/2010

243

34

20

My hubby has been in for about nine years. We have been away from each other for months at a time and it's very hard. When it comes down to it, your marriage comes down to just the two of you. If a man wants to cheat no matter if he's deployed or at home he's gonna do it. You just gotta believe in your husband and hope that he is doing what is right. It's not fair to him or yourself to blame him for something he hasn't done. Drama comes with the people you hang out with and if you choose to stay there that's what your gonna get. Military life for me has been great. I have made friends with other wives on the base and have had no problems. We have dinner parties and BBQ's. All the normal stuff.

As for the other question of the women working with your guy. My hubby says that the ladies on his ship are bicycles, everyone rides them. I'm sure that doesn't go for all of them, but just know just like any other job it might happen. In all it's all up to trust. You have to trust that he tells you the truth and trust that he is not doing anything.

Suzette - posted on 02/12/2010

1,086

29

0

Yvonne, you're right, things can get taken out of context, especially if someone is unclear, miswords something, or misinterprets something. It doesn't help when a person doesn't ask questions and just jumps the gun on what they presume to be truth. I'm not sure if it's so much about the fact that certain people have had family in their background who was in the military that has prepared them or that they've heard stories or seen pictures. I don't remember who I told, but I told someone else that I asked my husband (after I'd already accepted his proposal) a lot of questions about the military and the lifestyle. I didn't just wait for what was around the corner, I literally peppered him with questions before we were married and, I do it now too. I'm constantly learning about things. I ask the wives that are friends of mine questions all the time. I don't ever want them to sugar coat something with me... it would only be harmful to me, and possibly our family, in the long run. But I don't like disrespect, as I'm sure you've noticed with some of my responses to others. Such as women talking down about the military, not in ways of "i can't handle it," since I realize there are those that just can't, but in just rude terms. If that makes sense. One of the most important things I know to do for my husband, which I knew when I accepted his proposal, is that he needs me to support him. If I, for one second, don't do that, it makes what he does even harder. The last thing I want is for him to find out he's deploying and to wonder if his wife is supporting him the entire time he's there. I can have my little break downs of missing him, I can have my support with friends and family (regardless of how far they are), but I can't have my husband second guessing where my heart is. It takes his mind off of what he has to do, and that puts him and others with him in danger. I'm not willing to do that.

Yvonne - posted on 02/12/2010

14

17

0

ok I do see your point and I understand where you are coming from we all lead different lives mine also pertains to having a fiance that is not only military but, a cop so to do the two and support both of these government jobs is very stressful on the two of us. so sometimes we have to make sacrifices in our careers i have had to in my life for him and so should he. As a fiance not married there is little I can do sometimes pertaining to the pay situations and when you are a cop things can go astray there too imagine having a problem on both ends and being told there is nothing you can do if you are not a spouse and your husband is not here to do it. I had to get help from his mother to get it all situated. As a fiance you also sometimes don't get recognition for your hard work as I have witnessed and been part of at homecoming reunions I guess that is my own selfish hangup ;o). I did however this time so word of advice if you aren't married. I am sorry I think I left something out pertaining to the children I was agreeing with you on how the kids of career military families are well rounded. If a lifestyle is maintained and a child knows this as routine it maybe be the norm for them and are not effected by the military side of daddy or mommy and yes they do still leave and kids even in communities will endure this situation. Like you I do try to tell my child simple explanations as to where daddy is and being that he is a cop we tell her like at work daddy is going to keep the other kids safe but, it is across the pond. You see I do not expect things to be sugar coated and they shouldn't be. Maybe people who don't know much about the military as Americans should be educated as to what they and we as wives do. There has been a shift in a good direction in the support of them since 9/11 but, I do feel that in a time that we are in now we as people connecting maybe long term with military it is the responsibility of the couple to get real and not sugar coat things and be honest with each other as to how things might end up happening we can all assume war but, do people who don't have any background nor have seen old family photos of military really know what they are up for and are they going to be strong enough to handle it. I have a feeling we probably would agree on a lot of things if we were eye to eye and it would be a healthy debate. Things do tend to get lost in translation in writing sometimes tune and attitude are lost and what is a simple statement can be taken out of context.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms