getting scared by all the negativity...why so much drama in the military? (wives n female soldiers)

Kendra - posted on 02/06/2010 ( 252 moms have responded )

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My husband has been in the army for only a year now (will be finishing ait in 2 weeks) so i am well aware that i am a newbie to this military wife thing. My father was in the army, but as a child i never heard of all the adult drama. I have so many people telling me not to trust the women my husband works with (which has put a major strain on our marriage) So many stories of cheating wives and cheating husbands, im honestly scared to death about all of this. When i joined this group i thought it would be drama free...mostly talking about deployment, get togethers, idk stuff like that. i was wrong...there are even MORE stories of "he cheated on me, i cheated on him....bla bla bla".

my question is to the wives: why do you sit around and create/discuss so much drama? Has the military life always been this way for you?

my other question, for those women who have also once been a soldier: do i really need to worry about you ladies working with my husband? i was once told that women only join the military to get guys....is this true? AND are there female soldiers that really dont care if a guy is married? i would like to think they would respect that he is and know their boundaries.

like i said, its only been a year for me, and in that year i have become quite the jealous type and also quite a bitch. lol i wasnt always this way and really dont wanna be this way. but it seems to me thats how it is in the military, drama drama drama...

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Katrice - posted on 02/09/2010

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Well I understand your frustration and I am also new to being a army wife. My husband has told me that a lot of the women soldiers are very sexual and will overstep their boundaries if they are allowed to, and that is really with any woman who is going to try her luck. It is up to that man or male soldier to put an end to mess like that. I am happy that the new unit my husband is going to is all male, so he does not have to work with any females and he is happier than I am. He said the women soldiers and some of the male soldiers just like to keep up mess and is always discussing someone elses business and they do more gossiping than work. I guess women soldiers are no different than regular women in the work force that men married or not have to deal with. There are she devils everywhere. I have a cousin who has been a military wife going on 9 years and she is in her mid 20's and she does not sit and discuss cheating whether it is her husband or not, but she is not that kind of person anyway so the military life is not like that for her and she has not told me many horror stories. There may have been a few where the husband leaves for deployment and the wife moves another man into their house and have them around their kids, but not much about the female soldiers.



I think any woman that is not you should be watched when it comes to your husband and he should be watched even closer.

Kendra - posted on 02/09/2010

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@ sara: im sry that happened to you. although i have always found it inappropriate to call/text a married man unless it was work related...or holidays..you know merry christmas type stuff. so i can kinda see why the women didnt want you calling. anyway i would love to meet them...and yea it is funny how some just are being shady to me =( oh well. maybe im reading too much into it. his graduation is coming up so im planning on introducing myself to his coworkers. wish me luck! lol

@ misty: its stories like that that just send a chill down my spine. (that woman saying all married people sleep around in the military) i trust my husband (maybe not 100% but im working on it.) also i just had my daughter 6 mo ago and i think i let my new "mommy" body get to me. some thing just arent like they used to be. so it makes me scared like...he is at work all day with single women who havent had any kids...no stretch marks...nothing like that. im glad your husband shares with you when a girl is hitting on him. i hope our relationship will be like that one day =)

Misty - posted on 02/09/2010

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I understand that it seems like a bunch of drama. My husband (Jeremy) was in the Navy for 9 years. His first wife cheated over and over while he was on deployment. Jeremy however stayed faithful to her. They got divorced and we got married. We both have been faithful.

I have spent time with women in the military. From my experience, there are ones who join to have a career and there are those who join because they will be surround by men all the time.

I know of women, both married and single in the military that have tried to sleep with my husband. I have confronted them on it and they told me that all the married people in the military sleep around. I was furious. Not ALL married military men and women are unfaithful to their spouses. Unfortunately it's the exception, not the rule.

Deployments are hard. Divorce rates for military families are very high.

All I can say is be open and honest with your husband. Let him know what you're feeling. Be involved in his life. Know the people he works with. Make yourself visible to them often (go to the base.) My husband and I would laugh about the people that would hit on him constantly. That's how I knew that he wasn't cheating. He would come home and tell me about how sad it was that these girls would throw themselves at him and everyone else.....

It really is sad. But like I said, there are a lot of woman in the military for the right reasons and have amazing careers. Kudos to all of them :)

Sara - posted on 02/09/2010

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Well maybe the ones that didn't say anything on the other end you will have to wary of. OH NO, I definitely wanted to meet the wives, for sure. They refused to meet me was what it came down to. Like I said, I had a BBQ set up a month or so afer we all came back so all the families could get together and meet, the kids could play etc. But out of the 3 families, 2 of the wives refused to let the family go, and the third had an emergency come up. So at that point, I just gave up. I'd see the guys occasionally at work and we'd talk, but I wasn't allowed to text or call. Its just sad.... But of course, if you have some women call and it seems that they are acting shady, it probably is... When I would call their cells and their wives answered, I talked to them as if they were anyone else. I didn't cover up who I was, or what I wanted. That's why I just didn't get why they were so against me. I'm married and have a daughter, I don't want their family or their husband. But they couldn't understand that, regardless of how they husbands or I would explain it.

Angel - posted on 02/09/2010

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Thankfully I don't have to worry about my husband cheating as well. He has told me that most single military women are refered to as barracks whores. He's even told me that he's heard stories of single female soldiers giving other soldiers head while he was out in the field. I don't be paranoid if you trust your husband, but be very cautious.

Kendra - posted on 02/09/2010

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Sara,
wow your comment did help a lot! i guess it just worries me cause i dont know them. when i go out with my husband and we run into someone they dont acknowledge me, one time i even answered the his phone to let a girl know he didnt have his phone on him...once she heard my voice she hung up. =/ i just figured they really must be a bunch of b*****s... i just wish they would have made more of an effort on their end. you said you just wanted to hang out with married people, but didnt you want to meet their wives?

Sara - posted on 02/09/2010

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Ok I can tell you from my point of view as one in the military... I have seen it both ways. HOWEVER, women in the military do not just join to get guys. That is ludicrous. The military is just like real life; some women are scandalous, and some aren't. My advice is don't believe everything you hear about them until you actually meet them. I was on the end of a couple of "crazy **(^^% wives" who thought for the only reason of me being female, that I had 'hooked up' with their husbands while on deployment. SOOO not the case. There was a group of us on deployment that hung out a lot, sight seeing etc. so we all became good friends. There were other females in the group as well, but they weren't from the same base we were. So when we got back, I was still friendly to the guys as friends would. I was yelled at by one wife saying to never call her husband again. I have never met this woman, nor was any of my phone calls ever along "those" lines. Actually, the phone I got yelled at for, was asking about getting the travel voucher we had to do when we got back, since he was the guru. One of the other wives, told her husband that he was not allowed to talk to me again. Again, never met her. Why should I have to be punished by these insecure wives for being friends? The relationships we had while deployed were close, but not THAT close to where their minds were going. It was hard to understand, since if they were female, I know for a fact their husbands wouldn't be getting paranoid.
So I guess what I am saying is, don't be the paranoid crazy wife that is against all women that work with your husband. Have trust in your husband to do the right thing, and it won't happen. It takes two to tango. If he is weak to give in to the other's temptation, then there is something that needs to be looked at in your marriage. To this day, it saddens me that I work with these guys, and I can't even have a BBQ at my house with their families without the wives forbidding them to go... It was a bunch of great friendships lost because of their wives.... I honestly don't know if it was the fact that I had been able to spend the 4 months with their husbands, and they couldn't, or if they really thought that we had done anything.
I am a female in a mostly male field, unfortunately. I have been on multiple deployments and have seen all sorts of things regarding this. A LOT of the times its just not the females pursuing the males, its goes both ways. I'm not saying your husband is like this, its just that they are also to blame. I'm married, and I try and hang out with other married types while on deployment. But in the end, it is depenedent upon your husband and his decisions to stay true to you. Have faith in that, and don't wig out on the females he works with. They don't deserve it. I hope this helps.

Danielle - posted on 02/09/2010

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My husband has been in just for over a year now i know how you feel when he whent t obasic i was pregant i didnt worry to much why he was there but than we found out he was going to Germany and i started to really worry but ive always been afraid of him cheating on me we didnt know how long it was going to take to get me over here but i just learned to trust him i look at it this way if he cheats im leaving and he knows he'll lose me and our little girl....As for army wives i have no clue i just keep to myself and i've only met a few people he works with so i don't know how the women are

Leah - posted on 02/09/2010

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Ladies, I am so sad to hear all this. Yes, there are people on this world who don't care about the sanctity of marriage but I say if your husband/wife doesn't have the self control to say no. Then there is no body to blame but the cheater. I have a big appreciation for people in the mlitary and my husband is in the Navy, for me if he can't control himself from a girl trying to get with him then he doesn't deserve me. Yes, its hard not to think like that when you hear so many stories but if that is all you think about when your spouse is out on duty or deploy it will consume you and you will not have a happyor successful marriage.

Bianca - posted on 02/09/2010

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The only thing I can say is it doesnt matter if your husbands in the army or not, if he wants to cheat hes going to. And women dont just join the army to meet men, because that would be like saying men just join the army because women like a man in a uniform. Yes there are people who dont care if the other person is married or not. You just have to trust your husband and if you dont feel like you can then you shouldnt be married to him or you should be in some sort of marrage counsoling. There will always be drama because some wives need to have constant drama in their lives. Try joining some kind of club to meet other ppl that arent just military.

Heather - posted on 02/09/2010

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We've been in for 2 years, and I have only NOT trusted one woman. She thought it was fun to ruin marriages, she only targeted Married men; but I trusted my husband to stay away.
Yes cheating happens, its up to both of you to work hard and communicate so you don't grow apart.
I like to meet my husbands female coworkers, it does help me know who's out there, and helps them know me and who they'd be hurting if they tried anything. But its not all on the co worker it takes two to have consentual sex.

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Kendra where do you live.... i kinda did that at my old job with Girl Scouts... in membership as a field director...might want to look into it... go to www.girlscouts.org and click careers and see if there are any openings in your area... you have flex time meaning you plan events for surrounding areas and travel at night too these events about once a week.. and i did this when i was prego and 5 weeks after my kid was born until he was 5 mths and then we pcs-ed....

Serena - posted on 02/09/2010

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I have learned being married to a military man myself for four years now, that the military is much more than just a job, its a lifestyle. So all said here about the stereotyping I think stems from the "little world we live in". It will be hard to not get caught up in drama if you want to befriend other military wives, just like befriending a bunch of women confined to a small area in the civilian world.

Yes many women and men come straight out of high school into this world, so yes alot of them will act like it is still high school. (not all but some women (military and civilian) will accrue a reputation because guys like to talk...even if there is nothing to talk about) I have learned you have to trust your instincts, if it feels like something is wrong talk to him about it, but don't let it consume you. I have learned that the hard way and remember its still the begining of this journey for you so trust issues do arise, especially with the stress brought on with raising children, deployments, and just plain old military stress.

As for the drama with military wives, I have learned to be friendly but keep my distance. I keep the motto "I say only what I want everyone to hear". So that means keep out of the trash talking before getting to know someone. And yes being independent helps, get out there and make civilian friends also. How about a part time job or joining a non-military mommy's group where you can make friends who don't live next to you or work with your husband. It has done wonders for me. Good luck with everything

Amanda - posted on 02/09/2010

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Congratulations to you for questioning all the military "cheating/gossiping" drama. I myself chose to not participate or listen to ANY of it. Unfortunately a lot of military wives shose to sit around, instead of working or doing something productive with their time. Because of their lack of "something to do", they seem to think that gossiping and running their mouths are the only thing to do. I am a military wife of 5 years, with a 2 year old daughter. My husband and I have already had a very open relationship, meaning that if I am worried about something, or if there is ever anything going on, we are able to talk about it, without anyone getting overly dramatic and accusing someone of something that probably didn't happen. I'm not saying that cheating never happens, as we have had several friends go through that with their spouses, but I think if you keep things open, and tell your husband about these "rumors" that you've heard about other families, then you should be just fine. And DON'T EVER psyche yourself out about the possibility of something happening. A lot of the times, you'll just create a huge amount of tension in your relationship, which definitely doesn't make your husband want to spend any time with you. Keep you mind open, but don't be naive to any odd signals or changes from your spouse or his friends or co-workers. And remember thhat the "drama, drama, drama" usually comes from those with too much time on their hands, and nothing to do!

Kendra - posted on 02/09/2010

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thats a hard question cause i have an idea but im always like second guessing myself. i would like to be an event planner. im a bit of a control freak n i cant tell you how many times a friends of mine have tried to plan a party then somehow i end up doing it. even my own baby shower! A friend of mine told me you cant really get a degree in that, its more of a job that you learn as you go. sooo yea. i just dont know where to start, how to, all that jazz. but i think going shopping for other ppl n decorating for them would be the best job ever! haha

Tah - posted on 02/09/2010

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@amber..my husband makes sure i sleep, he made his music room into my office for homework and if i am working the evening shift, starts a 3pm i make sure he has something simple to make the kids, or he orders pizza of course...lol...or i put a roast , potatoes etc. in the slow cooker before i go to school that morning, get out at 2 and go to work. If i work overnight and need to sleep, i will cook breakfast , but he will take care of lunch(if i am sleep) and dinner(if i am sleep) It's a partnership, like i said, I don't look at it like supermom(but thank you)..i just watched my mom raise 10 children and work and my dad worked also, yes my mom did stay home at a time, but ran home businesses when she did and dad worked 3 jobs before he finished school and she went to work.



i tried the stay at home thing. i wasnt fulfilled, so i enrolled in nursing school. Then did it again, after school, and would much rather be out the house and working to help people wo can't help themselves, my 13 year old can make a sandwich for him and his sister for an hour after school until i get there if i work days, my 3 year old loves playing and learning in daycare with his "friends" . Mr. jones, not so much. So i choose this and my husband loves that i am independent and have a identity that is my own but still understand that he is the head of the household and I the helpmate. so it works for us. Heck, it's all I know,



SO I understand that not everything works for everybody so whatever you and yours decide, hey, own it.

April - posted on 02/08/2010

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ha ha, omg, i seriously thought this was gonna be drama free...My husband just left less than a month ago for basic training and i thought i was gonna get some good advice out of this....it's just ...silly. My opinion...men and women cheat all the damn time whether they are in the military or not. I don't see why anyone would join just to "find a man" or whatever...they could "find a man" without joining the military. *sigh* idk..i'm off to a new convo.....

Jessicaamani - posted on 02/08/2010

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A lot of what you are saying is true. There is a lot of bad mixed in with a lot of good. For my husband and I it comes down to trusting each other. I trust him 100% and he trusts me. This is the only way to make it through a deployment. We also keep our relationship very honest. I don;t get jealous of the women he works with because i know at the end of the day he loves me and I trust his choices. Even when I know he spent the whole day working with "pretty pretty chelsea" as we call her, I have no worries!

Suzette - posted on 02/08/2010

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Natalie, I completely agree with you. I have one degree already, am enrolling in college to work towards my bachelors, then on towards my masters and doctorates degrees, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. Our house is suffering right now, but it's not because I'm working and it isn't because I'm lazy. It's because I physically am unable to do it due to problems the pregnancy is causing. My husband is coming home and picking up the slack when he's not too tired during the week or on the weekends. He's encouraging me to get into college, he's planning to go to the same college with me, for a different degree, and we've already talked about how we're going to handle housework and cooking when our little one arrives and I have homework. We're going to share in everything we do, as Tah said, it's a partnership. We both took vows to respect one another, love one another, and do for one another. It wasn't about me stepping in to be his second mother... and he's already told me if I turn into a wife like that he'd be pissed off and send me to therapy. lol.

Kendra - posted on 02/08/2010

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Natalie,

i understand what your saying. right now tho i have one kid so the house doesnt really get that messy. but when i have more and they are older you will def. see them helping out bigtime! lol

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I have to comment on the theory that men cheat because their wives don't keep them satisfied.

I believe that CAN be a cause of cheating. I have seen guys cheat for that reason. HOWEVER, I had one guy in my unit who was your classic lying cheating scumbag. I somehow ended up becoming friends with this guy's wife, and she said he was a total sex fiend! Like, they'd do it 5-6 times a week, and he was STILL doing the slutty S1 girl in the broom closet during lunch break on a near daily basis.

My point is, it doesn't always come down to the wife not satisfying the husband. That is ONE cause of cheating, yes. I mean, who really expects that they can NEVER put out, and the other person won't ultimately leave them (or in worse cases, go elsewhere)? But really, cheating is more often just an inability to be monogamous, and it can take many forms. There are the total sex addict weirdos like the guy from my unit. There are ten times more who married too young, and think they're missing out on something, and who knows how many who cheat for reasons we don't even have time to list here.

I do believe that bad wives can cause their husbands to cheat, but there's usually A LOT more to it than just not putting out. If you don't put out, have doubled in size since the wedding, live in sweats and ponytails, developed a personality disorder, and have become a compulsive gambler and possibly a drunk, then yeah, he's probably going to leave or cheat, but those are very extreme cases. It takes a lot to push someone with monogamy in their nature to cheat, and those cases are never simple.

More times, I would say it comes down to certain people just not being monogamous by nature. I actually don't see anything wrong with that. They just shouldn't get married. I know a guy like this, actually. He was married for a while, and totally miserable because it felt so unnatural for him, so he got divorced, and has been living happily single ever since. I can respect that. People who know themselves, and say, "Hey, I'm just not a monogamous person", are fine by me. Cheaters, I believe, are these SAME people, who try to shove themselves into marriage, the proverbial shoe that doesn't fit.

Natalie - posted on 02/08/2010

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@ Kendra

I'm a SAHM right now and love it. I'm pregnant with our 3rd child, my son is 4 and my daughter is 2. With everything that is going on in our loves the house doesn't always look spotless. I'm a very clean person but if we're busy all day from the morning until the kids go to bed for like 3 days straight some housework will suffer BUT i also have a husband who like me being independent, doing my own thing. I'm a very strong woman, i will not take crap from anyone.
I always make sure my husband and my kids have at least 1 warm meal every day and when my husband is home he helps me clean and i also hand off the kids to him so i can have some time alone b/c it does get stressful if i have to take both of my kids with me everywhere i go.
I have a college degree in business management but i am working on getting my bachelors degree and once my kids are old enough to go to school i am going to work full time.

If your husband wants you to work then he should take more responsibility in helping out around the house and making your life easier. Why should you go to work, raise your child and then have a spotless home with dinner on the table? All the hubby has to do is go to work.
Good luck to him finding a woman like that! lol
I would never do it. We all live in same house, EVERYONE has to contribute. My kids have chores they have to do and i expect no less. We all make dirty dishes, dirty laundry and make a mess so we should all clean up after ourselves.

Kendra - posted on 02/08/2010

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haha if he wants me to get a job i will. my plate has been overflowed for years...i can do it, its just gonna take some getting used to.

[deleted account]

and kendra its all about the balancin act... tah is the supermom in this... i just choose one side while my hubby balances the other... just talk to the hubby and explain to him what you yourself are capable of doing... i cant work take care of kids clean house cook etc.. it would be too much on my plate for me to handle so before we got married we agreed on what each others expectations were i.e he works and does outside yard work and i do CCR... lol

Kendra - posted on 02/08/2010

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he wants both though...he doesnt wanna help with the house but he wants me to work. all im saying is i dont mind. but the idea is so foreign to me that im like...? ummm are you speaking english? lol

Tah - posted on 02/08/2010

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I said i respectfully disagreed with her about the men cheat and it's the wife's fault. If she wants to to stay home, that is her option, I said that she also has something that a lot of wives don't have..a degree to fall back on. A husband who respects her. You said that you are trying to be the person your family wants you to be. The problem is that now your husband wants something else and when we get married we leave our families and become one with our spouses, Like i said before, some men, like independence and a woman that he knows will get the job done, i work, go to school, have 3 kids and my husband doesn't come home to a dirty home and he has not starved yet. He wil also cook and clean because our marriage is a partnership. when he met me i was working and in school and he kicked his girl that was sitting at home not doing anything to the curb....quick, with young men, i think the military life starts to get to them and they realize sometimes they can't do it all by themselves and they want the help. So if he wants you to get a job, ok...get a part-time job and put the baby in daycare part-time, it will be ok, and it might help your marriage,

Kendra - posted on 02/08/2010

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i just read what Tah wrote and i feel like thats exactly what im going through. fresh outta high school with a family...im looking at him like what now...hes looking at me like what?

like i said...the "50's" mentality has its pros and cons...

Kendra - posted on 02/08/2010

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whew lord, how did we even get on this topic?

ok so i WAS raised in a household where it was complete chaos! my father is middle eastern and moved here when he was 17, although he spent most of his life here in the states he was still brought up to believe men and women arent equal. the woman should cook, clean, and treat her husband like the king. my mom on the other hand was the complete opppsite...she never wanted to clean, she sat around all day doing pretty much nothing...let me tell you...after 15 yrs they are currently getting a divorce. why? its simple...she drove my father insane! it was a complete culture clash.

now i agree with amber in some aspects but i do believe that in this day and age you have to be both: the woman who keeps a nice house...and the woman that has a degree and can be independent.

i learned this the hard way...all my life my grandmother told me to cook and clean and make me future husband happy. she told me "dont be like the american women they have so much divorce" to a point i agree with her. sooo i drilled it in my head. when i get married i will be the woman my family wanted me to be.

i am now married....have not gone to college (YET) and i do everything i can for my husband. why? im the wife thats why. i was raised this way...i like it...and frankly i think more women should do it. my husband should not have to come home to a mess. he should not have to come home to find that there is no dinner made or that his laundry isnt folded. Now he wasnt raised this way...but he now agrees with me. he doesnt wanna come home and clean. he wants to relax.

now back to what i was saying, i feel like in a way this has crippled me. he would also like me to get a job but the part of me that was raised to think women dont need to work is having a hard time gripping this. me? work? put my daughter in daycare? what? lol it really is like foreign to me. And its this that has made me realize i dont need to raise my daughter like this. she needs to be independent BUT she needs to be able to have a clean house.

anyway i fell like im rambling and my thoughts are jumping around. not really focused right now but what im trying to say is back off of amber...because i have a family full of women that think the same way...and just because its 2010 doesnt mean we all have to have this YOU GO GIRL mentality. also i understand women have come a long way...i never asked them to tho.

Tah - posted on 02/08/2010

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@Amber, i have to respectfully disagree, some men will just never be satisfied. There are plenty of women that satisfy their husbands in every way possible and he just wants his cake and wants to eat it also. You may have your degree and are blessed in that respect, but alot of these young women only have a high school diploma and are being treated like crap, abused verbally, physically, mentally, cheated on and stay because they don't feel they have any other option, Alot of them don't set their boundaries and don't know who they are, So how can they make their husband respect them. Alot of these husbands take liberties that my husband who has been in almost 11 years would never think to do. To be honest he laughs at the fact that these men are allowed to do these things and that the women allow it to happen. The good thing about your situation is that, if he ever got deployed and decided out of the blue that he wanted a divorce, like some husbands do, You have what you have to fall back on. Alot of the drama i come in contact with is from wives who know he cheats, or he beats her and she doesn't work, doesn't go to school, is barefoot and pregnant every other year and feels she is out of options. I mean who wants to crawl back to mama's house with 3 kids in tow....Not alot of people.



My husband asked some of the guys on his ship what is the problem, why are you out here cheating with women on the ship, who are sometimes married themselves, or paying for hookers in different countries. many of them said their wives do what they want, they just want what they want and she's not here so she will never know...In some cases, i can see a man being unsatisfied with a wife that doesn't keep herself, the kids or the house up and doesn't want to other things. In that case, he needs to talk to his wife. My husband and I both have parents married over 40 years each, so we don't entertain divorce either, but if he was to ever stray, I would not be kicking myself, I would be kicking him and possibly her...

Tah - posted on 02/08/2010

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I agree with Veronica, you have to have your own identity apart from your husband, esp right out of high school. that is a difficult time for both parties involved, you look around and youe 18, 19 with kids and just waiting for him to tell you what's next, He looks around and sees the same thing and says what did I do, Men like independent women and a plan B never hurts..hence the commercial..lol

C. - posted on 02/08/2010

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Barbara, all I read was your first sentence.. Here's why: If I was talking with my husband about something, I would be directing everything I said to him.. There's the difference for you set in front of you plain as day. I did not direct anything towards YOU, all I did was notice that something was being implied and I wrote my opinion on it. I'll reply to the rest later. I've got to go somewhere..

Suzette - posted on 02/08/2010

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Amber, I wasn't saying that you were raised that way. You misinterpreted what I said, what I said was that I would never raise MY daughter that way because I want her to learn independence. If she chooses that lifestyle and it works for her, well more power to her. I would hope that she would see that independence, while being in a committed and loving relationship, is the better way to go. A person can have both and be happy.

How are men and women not equals? Because one can give birth and the other can't? Because one pee's standing up and the other sitting down?

There are a lot of gray areas. A wife cannot physically be there for her husband (or a husband for his wife) while they are deployed. Satisfying them while they're deployed is literally laughable. Especially if they're with a unit that is stationed somewhere that has no access to their own internet, personal computers, or personal phones. If they have to share a computer station, in the open, as with satellite phones, there is no way that you can keep your husband "satisfied" while he's deployed.

For example, if he's in a tent full of men where they have open beds, as there are some fobs that have that set up, and there is no cell phone range there so your hubby has to use a satellite phone, and there's obviously no personal space... how exactly are you going to manage to keep him *ahem* satisfied while he's in the middle of an open area? I know my husband isn't going to satisfy himself in a room full of men that can easily look over and see what he's doing. And personal computers aren't an option if there isn't cell phone range, they're lucky to get access to a computer if they're sent on a detail somewhere. Of course, it all depends on where they're deployed to as well. This, I understand. Still, even if they're not in a tent full of open beds, they have choo's where it's 2-4 men where the beds are open. Not very easy access to have time to satisfy oneself, unless it's the middle of the night when everyone is asleep. In which case, you have to be super quiet so you don't wake up the roomies.

The reasoning that a man isn't satisfied for cheating... that's an excuse. To many women who have heard that, it's all bull. It's something that they use so that they can make their significant other feel like they're lesser beings. In some cases it does work, in my case it would only piss me off because my husband didn't take the time to talk to me about what was wrong. As Natalie said, I have an agreement with my husband and communication is the ultimate key.

Women, and men alike, who cheat are slutty. It doesn't matter if either one was unhappy with what is going on in their lives or relationships, they should have taken the time to talk to their partners. Being that they didn't, they have absolutely no respect for their partner, or themselves. Highschool doesn't teach a person anything about real life or love. Very rarely do high school relationships, which turn into marriages, truly work out anymore. The statistics are staggering when looked at. As far as what a person learns in high school, I threw that book out a long time ago because I learned, after the real world slapped me a few times upside the head, that it was all bull.

As far as the woman having to work, CCR, and raise children... if a woman has a man that is willing to be a real man and step up to the plate, then she doesn't have to do it ALL. He steps up to the plate and does his job too, which doesn't only involve going to work (or his career) and coming home to a hot plate, clean house, and children which are like stepford babies.

Natalie - posted on 02/08/2010

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Wow Amber, i don't know what to say..... We're all human beings, we're not different species so we should be equal. Even if we were... in some species the females have the upper hand and the males serve them.

So if he cheats you would think you both need to work on your marriage b/c you're not giving him what he needs yet if you would cheat on him it's totally fine if he walks out on you? Wouldn't you have the same reason for cheating... not being satisfied and then stupid enough to cheat? Why should he get a free pass just b/c he's a man? We are NOT beneath men.

Makes NO sense, sorry, but not even my Great-Grandmother would say something like this and she survived BOTH world wars.

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i never said bc the husband wasnt satisfied at home would be his excuse.. stupidity is his excuse... him cheating bc hes not satisfied is he reasoning behind it..

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as for the grey areas... i dont believe men and women to be equal...deployments aren any excuse for cheating i can still take care of my hubby... and no i wouldnt cheat on him ever and if i did i know that he would leave me and move into the barracks not divorce but yeahh just like most things women who cheat are slutty and men who cheat are unhappy.. its just a fact of life.... i learned to accept it a long time ago (highschool) i know many women have fought for a different lifestyle but i see nothing wrong with the one they had.. now women have to work CCR and raise children all at once too many indians not enuf chiefs...

Natalie - posted on 02/08/2010

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Hm... i think it's BS that it's a wife's job to satisfy the husband... hello, that's they way they thought in the old days, when men actually rules OVER women. I think we've come further than that, we're almost equal now, at least we should be in the relationship/marriage.
SO if the husband thinks that he's not getting it at home so b/c he's dissatisfied he can go look somewhere else to fulfill his needs.. that's wrong ad not the wife's fault. What if she has 3 kids, a full time job and is too busy.. if the husband doesn't tell her he's unhappy how will she know? Just as if the wife is unhappy... shouldn't she let her husband know and then talk about it and find a solution so everyone can be happy and full filled?
I also don't believe in divorce BUT i would not stand there and let my husband cheat on me and then blame myself? No, it's his fault, he chose not to talk to me and open up about his feelings so he needs to stand to what he did. We're not mind-readers or pleasure machines.

That's the agreement i have with my husband. If one of us is ever feeling like we're not getting what we need or want out of this relationship then we sit down and have a talk about it so the other can know and so we can work on it. I would not go out and cheat first and then be like "oh, i'm sorry, i wasn't satisfied at home so i got it from somewhere else. Now lets talk about it." Our marriage is worth more than that

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my mother didnt raise me that way... i said before i went to college have my degree had a job moved out at 17 had my own 3 bedroom condo at the beach and decided i didnt want that life... i wanted the old 50s housewife marriage and my husband was all for it (he was raised mormon, but we practice southen bapist with our own family)... ill raise my daughter to be both i guess but ultimately its her decision when she gets older to decide for herself...

Suzette - posted on 02/08/2010

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I don't believe in divorce under any circumstances either, as I stated in an earlier post, it would be extremely difficult to work through IF something like that were to happen in my marriage. At the same time, I have complete faith in my husband that he wouldn't do anything of the sort. We've talked at length about what cheating does to trust, we know how it feels from prior relationships, and neither of us would put the other through anything of the sort. Not to mention we spent years as friends building the friendship trust, to tear down what we've built just to rebuild would be asinine.



Any spouse (or significant other), whether it be male or female, who does something of the sort, will first attempt to hide it. When the guilt becomes too much to bear, they then will attempt to find a 'reason' or an excuse to validate what they've done. I've known women (and men) who hold the beliefs that if they're not being satisfied at home, then why not look elsewhere? Even if it is just porn or emotional affairs. Whether a person is not being satisfied at home or not is not a valid excuse for the significant other to do something outside of their relationship. In fact, instead of seeking something outside of the relationship, they should try to fix what's wrong at home so that they are being taken care of and nick the problem in the rear. Thankfully my husband and I have such an understanding that if we were to ever have any problems where something wasn't happening between us, we can talk to one another and then go through the proper steps of fixing whatever is wrong.



As far as CCR, they're your beliefs, it's not that women hate it, it's that women have fought a long time to get beyond being seen as just a "bare foot pregnant woman in the kitchen who cooks & cleans all day." When someone comes out stating that women are at fault when their husbands cheat, what about wives who cheat when their husbands are deployed? Are their husbands to blame for that because they're not around to sexually satisfy them? Or is that different because the gender is reversed? Does it then make it okay for the husband to cheat while he's deployed and the wife can't do anything for him? There's too many gray areas there.



Again, I wouldn't raise my daughter with that belief, she has to know that being a strong, independent woman is important. Especially in today's society. If she can't take care of herself, no one is going to do it for her. She definitely can't count on waiting around to find some guy who is going to want her to cook, clean, and reproduce either. A lot of men just don't want that, they want a woman who is willing to get off her butt, go to work, and make a joint effort in their lives together. I know my husband would have a hissy fit if I suddenly decided that I was going to forever be a role model of a 50's housewife and stay home cooking, cleaning, and reproducing. In my opinion, it would be setting my daughter up for failure.



Hey, if it works for you... go for it.

Cassie - posted on 02/08/2010

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yup drama comes with it. my husband is in the army and gettng ready for his second tour. you just gotta find the other women that arent just about whos got the better car or makes more money or whose husbands are higher ranking.

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i do believe in the old fashion ways thats not how i was raised tho... i believe CCR.. clean cook and reproduce... i know most women hate it but i have a masters in biology and had a directors job at girlscouts but when i got married and became a SAHM it was my job to make sure my hubby is happy i.e. if hes not getting it at home he might look else where (porn, emotional affairs, and cheating) my husband would never cheat bc we trust each other but in my mind if he did i would think it would be both of our faults and not the other womans at all... it would be mine for allowing us to become so distant and his for committing adultry... and i know youre going to have an "opinion" about this one but if it was my fault that i wasnt pleasing him or turning him on or being there physically, emotionally, and sexually then i wouldnt leave... i dont believe in divorce at all under any circumstances except abuse situations... for better or worse...

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Christina...really? If you were having a discussion with your husband and he told you "I did not ask for your opinion [and] I really don't care what you think," you wouldn't find him rude? I would, and for the same reason, I think it's rude for someone to say it online. That comment was completely unnecessary and had no relevance to the issues being discussed at hand.



Regardless, it's a public discussion board. Why post on it if you don't want people to respond to what you say? Everyone has the right to express an opinion, and I don't find it especially nice to devalue that of another just because you might not agree with it. We all have different experiences and points of views and things we can learn from one another if we take the time to listen.



Anyway, those are my opinions. It's my right to have them. It's your right to disagree and think I'm stupid. Go right ahead. Your husband and mine fight to uphold that right.



As for me, I have no intentions of responding to you further on this. I hate drama. :)

Suzette - posted on 02/08/2010

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Amber, I've heard that reasoning given as to why a man cheats before. I know that I, personally, disagree... along with quite a few wives/gf's/fiance's, etc. that I know of. Not to mention the numerous men that I know that disagree.

Not to be disrespectful or rude, but you're technically contradicting yourself. First you state that it's the wife's "responsibility" to keep her husband sexually satisfied, which implies that if he were to cheat that it's actually her fault. (As a side note, that way of thinking went out in the 50's right around the time Lucky and Ricky stopped sleeping in two different beds- unless you live in, or were raised in, an ultra conservative region, and you still hold that perspective after seeing the modern world.)

Second, you're then stating that it's not the woman's fault (presuming you mean the other woman) that instead it's the "sick husband's" fault who decides to put himself in that position ruin his entire life and the lives of those around him.

I am slightly confused by your response. Either it's the wife's fault (or the significant other) for not keeping the husband satisfied and it's the husband's fault at the same time?

To address the wife's responsibility of keeping her husband satisfied, my husband actually laughed at that response, not to be disrespectful or rude, but because he thought it was actually funny, he didn't realize I was serious that someone else had said that. Because of my extremely difficult pregnancy, I've been unable to fill his sexual desires as often as either of us would like, however my husband wouldn't use that as an excuse (or reason as you may see it) to cheat on me. On the contrary, because I'm unable to do quite a few things, such as pick up the home, cook, etc. he does it all after getting in from work. It's not the wife that is at fault... it's the other woman crossing a line that she shouldn't be and the husband crossing it with her.

Kendra - posted on 02/08/2010

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i agree that you do need to please him and i am defiantly NOT worried about that. and IF that day ever does come (im confident it wont) that women will sure as HELL have to answer to me...LOL

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I think a man cheats for a reason... as a wife its your responsibility to please his sexual needs...i dont think its the womans fault at all its the sick husband who decides to put himself in that positon to ruin his marriage, carrier, and childrens lives.... the woman doesnt have to answer to either you or your husband... but your hubby has to answer to you...

Natalie - posted on 02/08/2010

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Yes, you CAN NOT trust some woman OR men in the military. BUT there are also lots you CAN trust. I have never been in the military myself but i have a few female friends who are in the navy, air force and army and they do now whore around. Most are married. Actually, once of them has the problem that her husband cheats... they are on different bases in different states and only see each other a few weeks during the year and he seems to think it's ok to cheat on her b/c it doesn't feel like he's married since they're not living together.

My husband has told me that a lot of people say TDY stands for "Temporarily divorced (the Y is silent)" which is really messed up. Like you can take a break form marriage... anyway, f you have a guy like that than i'm sure you will find out sooner or later if he's thinking that as well and it's best to let him go.

I think as long as you trust your husband and you guys have boundaries in your marriage you shouldn't worry. Trust in him until he gives you a reason to not trust him, Otherwise it will drive you crazy. There are good military men out there, as are women.

Veronica - posted on 02/08/2010

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Its all crap!!!

There is a lot of drama with female soldiers and cheating spouses, but as a spouse and a prior service soldier myself, it is only what you make of it! And the road goes both ways! You have to have a strong relationship with your spouse no matter what his job is to trust him! My husband and I have never had an issue with each other working closely with members of the opposite sex. And quite frankly I would be more worried about him spending time with more wives than soldiers! I have known many more military wives who cheat than I have known female soldiers who were only there for the married men!

Don't let the stories you hear cause an issue between you and your husband. Only worry about what he is doing, and even then you need to trust him and your relationship!!



As for the amount of gossip and drama you see on military wive chat forums, it is inevitable! Unfortunately, too many wives marry right out of high school, start a family, and then don't do anything but follow their husband through his career. They don't grow up and get out of that high school mentality! Now, there is nothing wrong with getting married and starting a family right out of high school. I was engaged inside 6 months of my HS graduation! But, you have to have a life of your own also! I went to college on campus for 4 years! Yes, I did it with a husband in the military. He was stationed about 3 hours away from my school for the first year, deployed the second, and stationed in Germany in the last 2! It was very hard, but I am able to have my own life now!

When I first joined him in Germany, I tried hard to stay away from the drama, but it was impossible! lol I made friends with two girls who hated each other and somehow got pitted in the middle! After that experience I have had to stay very vigilant in keeping away from the drama. When we moved to our current station I found a bunch of friends. When the drama started in the group, I backed off and eventually stopped hanging out with them all together! Its easier on me that way! :)

If you are looking for a good military wives chat forum that stays almost completely drama free I suggest you check out soloops.com I have been on the site for 5 years and we are a very close family type group. The drama there usually starts with new members and is controlled very quickly!!

Overall, don't let anyone else's stories affet your marriage or how you look at this lifestyle! Both are what you make of it!! Good luck!!

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