Help me figure out how to deal.

Camille - posted on 06/23/2011 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I met my DH while we were both in the Army and stationed at Ft Polk. He got stationed at Ft Dix and I got medically discharged and followed him. In the 6 years that we have been married, he has been TDY for the equivalent of 4 years. His commander actually told him that the Military doesn't pay him to stay in one place. It's pretty hard on me since we now have 2 kids under the age of 6 and I still work full time. Although the health care is phenomenal, I am finding myself reaching the end of my rope with the whole Military Wife thing. While he is not deployed, these trips are slowly breaking me down. A typical month for me is DH leaves the first weekend of the month, he is gone for a week, he comes home for a week. He works that second weekend a month with the reservists. Then sometime around Wednesday of the third week, he calls me and tells me he has to go on another trip. Then he flies out that third weekend and is gone for a full week. Then, a month is gone and we start over. Seriously, this happens nearly every month. Last year, he left when my DD was 5 weeks old. He was gone for 6 weeks! He was gone 260 out of 365 days last year. Some times I wonder if it would be better if he just went for a year and stayed gone. This constant upheaval of the routines in the household is hurting us all. He leaves and I am in charge. When he comes back, he wants to be in charge again and the kids are getting confused. Routines go one way when he is gone and another way when he is home. I know he wants to feel involved but how do we do that when he is gone literally half of the time? We have been to marriage counselling twice in the past 4 years. We are really trying but I can't seem to get over the resentment of these trips. Although he swears that it's not a "vacation" all he has to do is go to work and go to his hotel. Meanwhile, I am back here ushering kids to daycare, going to work, maintaining a household and taking down any obstacles that happen to pop up. Last week while he was gone, he missed my oldest daughters 5 th birthday, her party, her kindergarten testing, my closing on a house in another state, a pre-school graduation and the first floor flooding from a freak washing machine accident. I was nearly catatonic by the time that he got home. I really want to be a good wife and good friend, but I am so angry every time he leaves. How do I deal with this? I have been to individual counselling but it doesn't seem to help. I don't really want to get divorced, but I don't know how to deal with this. He has changed units 3 times since he has been here at Fort Dix, but the crazy travel schedule never changes. I know he has a unique skill identifier, so he is in high demand but come on! Seriously, how do others cope with this?

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3 Comments

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LisaJoy - posted on 06/23/2011

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my husband is special forces and deploys for three months and then stateside for three and back and forth... unfortunately when he is stateside his unit likes to send him to training events. It is hard that he is gone all of the time especially on our 19month son... he doesnt understand. He actually just got deployed and I had to move into our new house all by myself. Do I get mad? YES! but I know what I signed up for. I also know he doesnt have a choice on most of the things he leaves for. When I get mad I just have to remind myself of that. When I get REALLY mad I just remind myself that we aren't gonna be in this unit forever.

Camille - posted on 06/23/2011

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Thanks Ericka. I needed someone else's point of view.I hadn't really thought about joining groups or anything, life is so hectic on a day to day basis. But for the longer trips, we sit at home on weekends. Getting out of the house would be great. I don't have any real friends up here -- other than co-workers. All of my friends are in other states. I will look into playgroups and churches in the area. It is bound to help! Thanks.

Ericka - posted on 06/23/2011

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i cant give advice on everything but as far as who is in charge and the kids being confused you and your hubby need to talk and since you are the constant he needs to let you still be in charge when he is home. my husband and i had to have that talk cause our daughter was getting confused so i have to be in charge 100% of the time unless i am not around. i will say that the constant travels cannot be easy on you at all and i commend you for being as strong as you have been :) i hope you guys continue marriage counselling cause i think it will help but will take more time since he is in and out so much. my husband doesnt leave that often but he is generally on the top of the list to deploy when someone gets hurt or is needed last minute. being a military spouse is one of the hardest jobs out there. i hate to say that you have to deal with a lot of b/s since we do all the time but there really isnt much else to say as far as him traveling so much. in the past 4 yrs my husband has been deployed or away at training for just over 2 yrs. one positive i think you have is that he can still call when he is away. when my husband goes he is normally out of the country and cannot always call and sometimes cannot even email for weeks. i try to keep busy with my daughter and join clubs or playgroups, get involved in community service or a church. the best thing is to keep little ones busy when dad is gone it helps the time pass faster and if in a group you can have adult time too. make sure you make time for you when he is home and away, i know daycare is expensive but it will help you to have something just for you each week/month to look forward to. i hope this helps even if it is just a little :)

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