Help with anger towards MIL

Laken - posted on 09/19/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )

When I first met my husband, his family was wonderful. I felt that even though I should follow certain protocals as being a new member in the family, I could potentially be comfortable. After my husband and I got married, his family acted as though it was the best thing, they loved me. Welcomed me. I soon was constantly getting texts from his mom about what was going on, because my husband communicates poorly. The only person in his family he really talked to was his Dad and only during football season to discuss the game. We have always lived at a distance from them, which might be why I had not seen any of what happened coming.



My husband joined the active military and he was sent overseas to Afghanistan, mind you I'm a Veteran as well and I tried to follow how I felt while deployed and kept all issues I had to myself until he got home because I didn't want him stressed. I was pregnant when he left and he would not be able to come home for the birth. I didn't want to be by myself around post with no support, because we had just moved there and we had only been there four months. I really only knew one other couple that I trusted and liked at the time. My family and I get along better in a distance fashion, so I could not go there, but I had felt like I was welcome at the in-laws. I stayed there. I gave birth to our son and though I wanted to go back to NC, my husband wanted us to save the money and pay off his school loans, so I stayed longer. After Cayn was born, everything seemed to have changed. During birth, I had bad complications and had to be sent to the OR to be put under and sewn up after my son popped out on the table an no one caught him. I was terrified that I was not going to wake up and when I told my MIL, if something happens please tell Brad I love him. She ignored me and had eyes only for Cayn and I know if my husband had been there or even my mother, they would have reassured me.



I get back from OR, breast feed, get fed, moved to another room and just get to sit down when my MIL and SIL came back and snatched Cayn up. I had only held him for breast feeding. This is my son and I don't even get to hold him. I needed help because it took 10 weeks for me to recover and I literally came out he same weight I went in at because of the fluids from the mercury and saline that were pumped into me. However, I could handle cayn, I needed help with our lab mix pup. She pulls and is excited and no one wanted ot walk her. Oh, offers all around to take care of Cayn, but who would take care of Penny. Thankfully a friend found an organization that would take Penny for a month for me.



Then when we go to functions, even the first time I stepped outside with Cayn to go somewhere, my MIL snatches him from the carseat and goes to show him off. I sat down with her because it was starting to hurt. Everyone was calling him Little Brad, Bradley Jr., Brad's son, so forth. I was completely out of the equation. I mentioned that I was looking for those little soft books to get my son for him to feel different textures, she bought them for him before I did. I sit her down and talk to her about all this so we can get past it.



My husband calls me from Afghanistan and not his mom or dad. His mother got to the point that if I told him he called, she would take a walk and be gone for an hour or so... or her face would get this angry muted look. I confronted her about this. Another thing I felt we needed to discuss and did. We argued granted at times and there was anger on both sides, but I felt we had these things resolved.



My friend that was located in Fort Bragg had heart surgery, she is 25, it failed and she was on life support. I cried, wanted to immediately go down to NC, because I was leaving in three days anyway, what did it matter if I went early. I needed to finish packing and wash clothes and get some sleep. The MIL invited the SIL (who had continuously refused me as Cayns mother and brad's wife.. always ignored me whens he came to visit, would antagonize cayn and make him cry because she found it amusing) and brad's grandmother. I was still upset about my friend and the grandmother was telling me stuff, asking if I should do this and that... I usually could handle it, but I couldn't that day and I felt that if the SIL continued to offer 'advice' as well, I'd probably up and punch her. I left for a car ride, called a friend, and cried and cried. I returned, the MIL asked if she should't have invited anyone and I said, "Do you think I'd be up to visitors after learning about my friend having her heart surgery fail?" And she didn't say anything. I just feel like she doesn't care about my feelings. that she needs to understand that sometimes, I cannot take visitors, that I need my space. I lived with them from February end of July, very end of July. I was going crazy. I thanked them, made them a photo book of Cayn and them together as a small token of thanks for allowing me to stay there. My dog ate a pen on their carpet and ruined it. I apologized PROFUSELY and offered to pay to have it fixed. She said not to worry about it, she had a piece downstairs and she bet her carpet guy could do a patch job. When we discuss things, I see it as being done and over with and we move on. That is what I do.



I wanted to get a uhaul to take everything with me when I went to NC, but the MIL felt it was dangerous and she would bring the stuff separate in a van or large SUV.... we never got everything down because of this. I was irritated that she wanted to come down when i just wanted some space. I tried to say I could do it myself, but she said its no big deal and she can do it. She would work her schedule around it. What could I say to that? I just let her do it.. saying a few more days won't matter.



Then my friend passed away. It hit hard. She left a 18 month old and her husband had gotten back from his deployment to be with her the last two weeks. Brad's friend as well. My only concerns were for my husband to come home and my friends' family. Nothing else mattered at that point besides the natural order of life.



My husband returned home and before anyone welcomed him home via phone, the SIL sent me a message, demanding a picture of 'her brother and his son'. I had sent an email of pictures to her parents and posted them on FB. The SIL has friended and unfriended me five times from there. It is no longer my responsibility to cater to her. She chose that path. I told her I posted them on facebook and sent them to her parents, she could get them from them. she called me psycho, wished my husband would leave me and take his son with him because he will soon learn how crazy I am. (I am paraphrasing) and that I never thanked their parents for all they did for me and I never apologized for what Penny did to the carpet. There was alot more that was said, but I won't go into detail...suffice to say that I'm pretty hated by her and I'm pretty sure she wishes my death or me misery.



Well, the SIL couldn't possibly just make some of the things she had said. I confronted the MIL about all of this and she said that it would have been nice to have gotten a thank you. I was utterly shocked, because I know I thanked them and told them I appreciated everything they did. I spent a month on a photo book of pictures of Cayn and them together and made thank you gift of it. Well i gave that a week before I left, and because i didn't thank them the night I left (10/11 at night since it was a 7 hour drive and hoped the little man would sleep through it all) I never thanked them. I said I apologize for not thanking you on the correct day, but for you to say I never thanked you is ridiculous, because I did and that's lying. I hate lying. Then she said I won because I took brad from them just like I always wanted to..... and I always encouraged brad to see them. He wouldn't go without me, so I rearranged my schedule, gave up things I wanted to do so we could spend weeks at a time with his family, who I had loved. Now for all this to come out when Brad comes home from Afghanistan.



The worst of it all was they told my husband that I told them not to come to Green Ramp to welcome him home.... and I snapped. I called their house and told them I wanted nothing ot do with them, threw my phone, stormed to the bathroom and cried for an hour. My husband wanted to talk with me, but I didn't want to. I felt like his parents were demanded him to choose me or them. That they would lie and twist things hurt. I thought I was a daughter to her. I confided things to her that I didn't to some friends and to find that she had been making remarks and comments to the SIL rather than confront me as I did her, it has made me snap. I don't know why it is so emotional to me.



I want to fix this and have talked to a few counselors on how to reign in this anger, but right now I don't want to see them. I told my husband, I don't want them out of our lives, you and Cayn need them, but right now if they come near our son and pretend all this never happened, I will crack. I honestly think I'll divorce my husband over it. I said I need time and counseling before they can come back. Do you think this is asking too much? Because I told the MIL and FIL that I am going to go to counseling to get rid of the anger, but that they would not see me or Cayn until I felt ready and that brad would see them at their condo on their vacation. She responded, "We expect to see the three of you, running away won't help anything. Cayn is not a gamepiece to be used when you want to and I'm tired of you being Brad's mouthpiece."



My husband took exception to that and yelled at them, which was the first time he actually stood up for me, but I wish he would have explained versus yelling. He said he felt better after it, but its causing a major strain on our marriage and I'm angry all the time and we fight about things we never fought about before. We have hardly had any happy moments since he's been back and I don't know what to do to make Brad's mother see what she had done. She continues to think she is innocent and she did nothing. What can I do? I have been reading and alot says to kill her with kindness, but she has that part down to a T. My kindness will only bounce right off her own. Yet, I feel like I cannot have a relationship with her and I don't want her (right now) to have a relationship with my son, because when he gets older, I feel like she will poison his mind and say things. I feel like I can no longer trust her after she broke it so thoroughly.



What do you suggest?



Forgive me that this is long.