help with deployed husband

Anna - posted on 12/01/2010

thank you ladies for all the helpful advice! Things have been getting better. I've been keeping the conversations up beat and letting him know as much as i can how we love and miss him and how we are so proud of him.

Desiree - posted on 11/27/2010

i agree with molly- not that you are b*tch8ng about things, but small annoyances to us are things they WISH they could get annoyed with. luckily- my husband never treated me that way during his 2nd- my 1st deployment. i always made sure to tell him what the kids were up to, how my day was going, how much i loved, missed and needed him. i sent him packages every couple of weeks- just little things- food he wanted or finger painted pictures the boys did for him. we were lucky enough to be able to email non-stop every day and skype as a family every week- christmas came a week early, due to daddy asking santa for it, and we skyped for that too so he could see the kidsopen their gifts- we were always a great team before the deployment, remained one during and are just as strong, if not stronger now that it's over. it may just take him some time to adjust to how things are now. he's away from his family, friends, any kind of familiarity he had in the states. i know it was hugely tough on me while he was gone for that year and few months- i had my two kids, and my step son, whose mother wasn't being one at the time- i had to quit my job to stay hoe with them because daycare would've been too expensive- there were so many sacrifices and figuring out how to make things work on split second notice....but you have to remember the work he's doing over there, and how stressful it is- we can still go out with the girls or things like that- he can't- molly's right- it's work then sleep- reading, movies- that's about it. i'd be cranky too- though there are good points being made about him ALWAYS acting that way. did he treat you like this prior to being deployed? a friend of mine's husband was the same way- only he always treated her like crap, and still does now that he's back- he's just an ass though- and he's always been like this, so it's kind of her deal if that's who she wants. i dunno- i hope some of this was helpful- i know we have a lot on our plates doing all these things alone- but they're even more alone than we are over there.

Robyn - posted on 11/26/2010

There is nothing wrong with the food there, unless you are on Rat acks at a FOB. While I was there (yes Im the mum) I did all the things I normally did at home, paid all the bills, dealt with the real estate, banks, electricity companies, childcare etc, all can be done on the phone or by email. There is plently of time to contact your family. My team told their women they couldnt talk often but were full of shit. You hubby shouldnt treat you like garbage hun, whether he is is afghanor at home. Yes it is horrible over there, but your fed, your clothes are washed for you and all ya have to do is work and sleep (and stay alive) but it is still just work. Yes, be patient, things will be harder when he comes home and probably wont get better for about 6 months. Im still not better in my head, but my hubby doesnt treat me badly, and I love and thank him everyday for all his support, and for looking after our babies while I was away. He should be thanking you too. Dont let him get into a habit of being rude, or he will think it is ok, and it will never get better. Hope it all works out for you and your family :) Aussie Soldier

Molly - posted on 11/25/2010

I asked my husband about this. He said the hardest part (for him) about being deployed is that they work ALL the time. When they dont work, they sleep. IF they happen to have a little time off there is nothing to do but read, play video games or watch a movie. This is his advice... he said dont complain to your husband. he didnt just stand in line to get a chance to use to phone to hear his wife b*tch about something. (not that you are) he said the worst thing is to call home and hear someone complain about something they have that deployed people miss (shopping, eating out, family, etc.) He said all they want to hear is that they are loved and needed but that you are doing well and are excited for them to come home. He said the best thing ever is getting packages. Everyone anticipates packages everyday (and the food there is horrible so if you can send some microwave pastas and goodies it should touch his heartstrings :) Be strong!! Hope this helps.

Hilary - posted on 11/25/2010

Hello,

I wanted to add a litle bit to what has already been said. Your husbands reaction to his stressful situation is understandable but at the same time he is being unfair to you. You have been left to do everything that the two of you would normally share and he should understand that while it is different, it is stressful for you too. Being supportive and understanding of the hard time he is having does not mean he gets to use you as a "virtual punchbag". I did wonder though, is he able to make private phone calls or are they in a very public place, perhaps he would like to tell you how he feels but isn't comfortable making a public declaration like that, I know my husband finds it very hard.

I agree wholeheartedly with the suggestion of email and letters, and we have the e-bluey system but I don't know if your men have that facility. You send an email to a central server and it is printed and sealed so the recipient actually gets a hard copy to read. I liked doing it that way because it was like getting a proper letter but in hours not days or weeks, maybe worth looking into?

I hope things improve for you, there are good suggestions for you to work your way through on here, good luck and best wishes

Amber - posted on 11/25/2010

Yes. Completely normal in my experience for first deployments. My husband would get upset if I left the house, went out to dinner with friends. It's hard for them to be away from you and to realize life doesn't stop just because they are gone. My advice is to get thru it best you can then when he gets back talk to him about it. He's not realizing this is difficult for you too. Our next deployments went much easier and he was in a much more stressful environment. Hope I helped.

Linsey - posted on 11/24/2010

I too went thru this with my hubby and it was his second deployment. Eventually I had to tell my husband that he was hurting my feelings. Yes they are in a terrible place but we are the last people they should take it out on. Its a learning process on both ends and it does get better as long as you both can be open and honest about your feelings. Good luck!

Dira - posted on 11/18/2010

I Have to agree with Tracy on most of this..My husband has been deployed for almost 10 months now.He has his good days and his bad days..It can be a numbers of things as to why he is acting that way,but he is in Afghanistan and away from his family so it could just boil down to that.Plus he hasn't been gone very long and this is his first deployment so he's probably still adjusting.I don't know what your conversations consist of but let him vent and if you feel he steps out of line by saying something to or about you don't get defensive,try and calmly tell tim that you don't appreciate what or how he says it...It's hard for both the soldier and the wife but our job is just to try and be there for them the best we can=) And yes over time it does get easier to handle,just give him time..My best advice-Even if you have an arguement and the talk doesn't go well,always tell him that you love him.It can be an easy thing to forget when your frustrated and upset.

Tracy - posted on 11/18/2010

My husband and I have been through quite a few deployments, and yes, this happens. I have to tell you, the easiest one on our relationship was when the Iraq war first started and we only had snail mail for 8 months, that's it! No email, phone calls, etc. One of the best things you can do is decide to write him letters or use email instead of phone or online chat. It allows more time to process for him and gives him a chance to think about what he is saying first. Most likely his responses will be more to your liking. The care packages are a great thing, something personal from you and the children is important. You can make a bunch of short videos of everyday and important events (kids being silly in halloween costumes, opening gifts at Christmas, first steps, etc.) and then put those on a disk so he can play them on his computer. Remember, don't bother him with everyday problems that you can handle on your own, it is important that he knows you are capable and the family is doing okay. If he is worried about you then he will be more stressed out and his job will be harder and he will take that stress out on you when you do talk. But, you need to know your soldier/marine/sailor well enough to know when to ask for his input on big problems, purchases, etc. so that he still feels a part of your "team" while he is away. Think "new tires for the car, you don't really need his input, deciding to buy a new car, you need to write about it first and ask for his input." Remember that when you talk about the good things that are happening at home he is glad to hear it but also sad that he is missing it. Dealing with conflicting emotions, especially in high stress conditions, will get the better of him. Remember to talk about happy times, many men like to "go down memory path" while they are away rather than hear about what they are missing. Bring up your first date, the day you found out you were pregnant, ask him what he remembers about the first time you met, etc. in addition to what is happening at home. So, my main advice, keep with the old fashioned mail and email, save phone calls and chat for special moments.

Kristin - posted on 11/18/2010

In my experience, this is completely normal behavior for your soldier. Just remember when your soldier is "yelling at you" or being a "butt-head", it's not you, it's his situation. I found it easiest to just let him say what he needed to say or felt he needed to say may be a better way to put that, and just reminded myself that it would all be over in a year. Your soldier's mindset is not the same as it was stateside. I think that was the hardest part for me to really comprehend! He is in a war zone and he has to stay in that mindset 24/7 to be sure he makes it home safely to you! My advice is to roll with the punches so-to-speak. Let him vent his frustrations and then you find a really close friend/family member who you can vent to!

Megan - posted on 11/18/2010

have u sent him a care box from home. he knows that hes not gogin to be home for the hoildays it sucks over there when they know their familys are back home its hard for them.. send him lots of pics adn lil things that u know he would love.. it makes it a lil easier.. like when my husband was deployed me and my girls got a white pillow case adn put our hands and my lil ones feet. put a lil mess on there and my husband loved it he hung it in room.. i sent him a lil pink tree to. bc that what our daughter thoguth daddy wanted.. lol. trust me they have thier days and so will u.. when my husband left our daughter was only 2 weeks.it was hard but u just find a way.. and make sure u have friends to talk to