How are military wives supposed to handle affairs?

[deleted account] ( 25 moms have responded )

I just wanted to know how other women handle these things in the military. How do you handle affairs during deployment? Do you write it off as stress due to the deployment and are you more forgiving than if he did it at home? Or what? I've heard it is normal for deployed men to get heavy into porn and adultery. Mine is into the porn, that I am morally against, and cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend as far as talking to her, skyping her, and going to see her on R&R all behind my back. He says they were just friends, but I don't believe him. And I think he is into phone sex or something like that. Those are big no-nos to me that I don't want to put up with, but I can see why he would do it because he is in a stressful situation and that's how he handles his stress.

I don't want to be a doormat so we are getting a divorce, but I feel like a jerk myself for getting a divorce while he is deployed.

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Jacklynn - posted on 06/06/2011

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I'm also a military wife that ask myself those same questions and don't feel like a jerk for getting a divorce while he's deployed cause he knew the "rules" before he left, and i would have flipped out on my husband if he comes home from R&R and goes and see's an ex, and the men do get heavy into porn while there over there but as for me i would rather have him watch porn then to have an affairs, and if u caught him red handed having an affair then u can bring it up in the divorce if u have proff cause the military takes that serious they don't put up with it.

Sarah - posted on 06/06/2011

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I am so sorry. I understand why you feel bad starting a divorce while your husband is currently deployed. That being said I think you are doing the right thing. Even when he was home for R&R he was at a minumum dishonest to you. You alone have to make the decisions about what is acceptable and if it's not to you then it's not acceptable no matter what others think. The only thing I would ask is have you talked about these things and what are his responses. If he is not willing to talk then things will continue to deteriorate in your marriage throughout the rest of deployment. It may help to talk to someone. Good luck.

Helena - posted on 08/18/2013

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There is a book called "not just Friends It is by Shirley P. Glass, Ph. D. He needs to end it.

Beth - posted on 07/07/2012

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I am not just a military spouse I was IN the military.
Sure it's available but, it's there for EVERYONE , military or not.
It's got to do with the guy, not the military. If they are going to cheat, they will cheat , military or not. If they aren't going to cheat and they have a moral code , then they don't , military or not.
In some units and MOS's cheating is a trust issue not only at home but in the unit, it can cause loss of clearance, or a transfer of units. Because they can't trust that the soldier is going to cheat in other ways too. IE blab something they shouldn't or do something they shouldn't.

Beth - posted on 07/06/2012

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UM no Shaye most of them will not cheat , just because the one you got does does not mean they all cheat.

Deployment isn't an excuse to cheat. There isn't ANY good reason to cheat.

No they don't get a free pass when deployed.

The rules apply 24/7 . not just when it's easy to follow them.

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Kyrie - posted on 03/11/2014

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80% of married people in a study admitted that they would cheat if they knew there would be no repercussions. 60% of married men and 40% of married women admit to having already cheated. Most married couples I've spoken to say that the only reason they don't sleep around is because they don't want their spouse to do it. They want the "cookie, but they don't eat it because they don't want anyone else to have one..." Humans are not monogamous. I don't think it's fair to expect people to be. My marriage is open, and we have rules. My husband never has to fear talking to me about anything and has no need to ever lie to me. Funnily enough, he's never felt the need to cheat. I think part of the appeal is the taboo. We both know that our marriage is an amazingly strong one. Rules include; Don't knock her up (I'd love the baby, but I doubt we'd be allowed to raise it and that would end in heartache for everyone), don't bring any crazy girls home, don't fall in love (this one has since been scratched on a mutual say so), don't badmouth your wife in any way to another woman, don't lie to a girl to get laid (this includes hiding your marriage), and don't catch any STD's. I think that covers it. People need to loosen up. If you can't trust a man, be open and honest with each other (including allowing him to be without judgement or punishment), and love him without feeling the need to make him act like someone he does not want to be then you're in the wrong relationship. Any issues in a marriage should be discussed with a fair compromised reached. This does not involve sweeping things under the rug or telling your spouse it's your way or the highway. Remember this folks. Compromise does not mean that you get what you want. You might both end pu a little happy and a little unhappy over a decision. Learn to accept the outcome and move on if you want a happy healthy marriage.

Dan - posted on 02/21/2013

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HMMMM....sounds so familiar, with the exception of the real cheater was the woman, while the man was deployed and all the other stuff was an excuse, or the imagination of the woman....

Stephanie - posted on 08/30/2012

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Please notify me @ stephaniepettus@ymail.com The hurt of military spouses is growing steadily. You can make the difference in someone's life. Thank you, Mrs. Pettus

Mother Of Pearls - posted on 07/11/2012

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wow well hun i think you should just take a min and exhale and also yes i agree with you a hundred percent divorce but i think you need to wait for him to come home things are better that way while hes deployed would be a cop=out but if feel you are headed in the right direction i know they are stress tired and feel lonely but there is no reason to go else where for any type of comfort if he has you there is no excuse for that so if your comfortable with your decision then go for it if there is no way around it and your mind is set then so be it but i think you need to wait till he is home i m so sorry you are going threw this but im here if you need a friend mess or join my circle ok ill be here

Elizabeth - posted on 07/10/2012

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My husband is a Satcom specialist. He went to Afghanistan and to Bosnia. Both for ONE YEAR. I believe it has to do with the man, not the situation. Fidelity to the woman they love can be as much of a lifeline to sanity and home as anything else. Communication is key. Other men my husband was with, did cheat, my husband didn't. I don't even consider myself "lucky". I know my guy...he loves me, is true to us.

I would have asked your husband...how could you disrespect me, and our love so much? was it worth it ?

Shaye - posted on 07/06/2012

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i would never have started dating my guy if he were still in the military when we met because i now know how he was when he was there. I know several other military men that did the same exact shit... send me photos. what are you wearing. blah blah. its not just one guy, iv met a quite a few that were the exact same way. so glad myspace isnt popular anymore. the men that go out there are never really the same when they get back... Not all men will cheat. but alot in the military do try to.

Shaye - posted on 07/06/2012

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My current boyfriend was in the milittary before i was with him. He met this chick through myspace and i found a the entire chat conversation between the two of them (this is before i met him) him and this chick (i refuse to say her name because i still have issues about her thats another story) anyways they talked all the time while he was deployed. through instant message, telephone and webcam. he was telling her he was in love with her after a month of converstaion and had her masterbaiting on web cam for him. he did really love her. when he got out of the army they got married but she died a month after they were married. but after i moved in with him. i cant resist the urge to snoop when im alone in a house. i have to know if its the real deal of if hes sneaking around doing other shit... and i found on his computer a chat log with some other chick we will call the one he married chick A and the one he wanted to hook up with chick B

He knew chick B in real life and hes talking about all the dirty raunchy sex things he wants to do with her.. asking her to send him pictures of her pleasuring herself... sick shit. and hes trying to hook up with chick B while professing his Love to chick A. he talks so sweet and loving to chick A and being a sleaze with chick B... and as i am chick C i dont really see either of the guys he was online.

they all want sex when they are deployed... but when i met my guy. he was an alcoholic as well. YOU dont cheat. talking explicitly to someone else while you are in a commited relationship is cheating... having web cam sex with someone that isnt you spouse is cheating. i could care less about porn. but anything live sex. by webcam, telephone is cheating in my book... my man aint the first miliary man iv met and that was the only reason the other one talked to me.... he had a girl and they were living together and he would always try to get me to send naked photos or talk dirty to him i was like fool i dont talk dirty to no one... most of them will cheat. and they expect us to understand cuz they are in stressfull situation. stupid.

Jennifer - posted on 07/05/2012

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Did YOU cheat while he was deployed?? I mean come on!! I was the enlisted service member in my marriage. I would NEVER have traded the position either!! I wouldn't have been able to handle having my husband in danger, half a world away. My stress was NOTHING compared to what he went through! Don't feel bad about the divorce, if you'd have been the one cheating, he'd have never thought twice about filing on you! He sounds like a selfish jerk that never put any thought about being in your shoes. You can do alot better! Plenty of service members never cheat, and don't develop porn addictions. Some of us realize what our spouses go through.

Determined - posted on 07/04/2012

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I'm sorry the stress of deployment does not excuse an affair. We went the a 10 month deployment and both of us remained faithful. If he had an affair you have grounds for divorce so don't feel guilty.

Debbie - posted on 07/03/2012

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To be brutally honest if my husband cheated while on deployment i would be able to walk away without any doubt. We have kids but i am a strong beliver in the fact that people dont change n that circumstance shouldnt make a good spouse go bad.

Tiffanie - posted on 06/22/2012

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You handle it just like if he wasn't deployed beat him tell you feel better lol jk on the beating. Cheatings cheating no matter what the sistuation. The porn thing is a person to person thing. I personaly would rather have my husband have free range of peron then talkign to other girls and putting his junk and a whore but thats jsut me.

Lisa - posted on 06/21/2012

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Military men use deployments as excuses to cheat quite often.....mine used it for both of his affairs. There is NO EXCUSE for adultery at all and it is taking all I have to work on forgiveness and making our marriage work. I feel like he is sorry for what he did but after 20 years if I even think he is doing it again there will not only be a divorce he won't be able to cheat again because he will be missing an appendage!!!! Don't let him make you feel bad for his horrible judgement because you didn't put a gun to his head to make him do this just like I didn't put a gun to my husbands head to make him do it. They made this decision and it is their fault that it happened not yours. While there might have been circumstances in your marriage that could have caused problems there is NO EXCUSE for ADULTERY! Stay strong and remember GOD loves you and you will be better off without him if he has no desire to change or work on the marriage.

Billie - posted on 06/11/2011

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Not everyone in the military cheats and the seperations are not an excuse to do so. I try to give my husband things to help relieve himself, I send him porn that I buy and some that I've made myself for him and we even have internet sex through webcam and voice chatting, lol, I'm not afraid to admit those things because my husband has been gone so much that we've only physically been together for a total of 1/2 our relationship and it's up to you to find a way to make it last. When you love someone, it's not impossible to put your sexual feelings aside. Love is not all about sex and I wish a lot of people would learn that.



Do not put up with what he's putting you through. He obviously doesn't have any respect for you. It's possible that he loves you, but he doesn't know what it really means to be in a committed relationship. If you're ready to leave him, do it. Don't let the fact that he's deployed stop you from going on with your life, that just gives him more power over you.

Diane - posted on 06/07/2011

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I would have done the same thing you are doing. Being home dealing with all of the "this stuff at home" - is not easy either. There are plenty of real men out there that will communicate with you and not turn to porn or an ex girlfriend for support. Women cheat too and I would find someone that is home all the time and shares your beliefs and also maybe knows what you have been through. You are a beautiful - strong woman that puts her family first. Believe it or not what you are doing is best for them. They need to see a mommy that is loved and respected. You will find a man that will show them how you deserve to be treated. Have faith- God has a great plan for you. The will still have their dad in their life - he can just disrepect someone else.

[deleted account]

No Tah, they don't really discipline adultery, as far as I know, unless it is an officer with an enlisted. My husband's exgf is not in the military, so I doubt they would care. My husband actually filed for divorce, so that is how you can get a divorce during deployment. There is a law that I can't sue him for divorce during a deployment unless he is okay with it. He can block me from it until he gets back. But this divorce is mutual, I guess, except that at times he hints that it is only because I can never forgive him for things and he is tired of how I am a grudge-holder. When really, right after I found out and was mad, and even now, he has not really apologized in a sincere, loving way, and has never said he wanted to work things out. I waffled back and forth over and over because of the kids and because I do love him, but I can't make him love and respect me and treat me kindly, I can't make him reach out and go to counseling. Your husband sounds like a treasure. I am glad to know your marriage is good. It makes me feel less discouraged that all men are cheaters, because it is good to know that some are good guys.

Tah - posted on 06/07/2011

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How did you get a divorce when he was deployed, i thought they didn't allow that.Also the military is caring less and less about the military member having affairs. it has to do with political redtape and plus they just want to hear it. When half of the officers that they are being reported to are having affairs, do you think they really care? Last year the captain, xo, command master chief and some others were all releived of their command for fraternizing and adultery, basically having affairs with the enlisted women on the ship during deployment. by the time they got in everyone knew what had happened and they were fired. ANother for inappropriate sexual behaviour this year. he was walking around touching on the girls on the ship and they were complaiing..he was also married.



It goes on at all levels, but not everyone does it. they tease my husband and say he doesn't like to have fun..he told them him being chopped on his throat and having the scene from waiting to exhale re-enacted on his car and clothes is not his idea of fun. Coming home to his wife and actually having the key work and getting to sleep in his own bed..FUNTIMES...lol.



He is the command fitness leader and when he to measure one of the girls she was saying inappropriate things to him..don't be scared to get up in ther..like WTH..he stopped and had someone else come over and measure her and he called me to tell me...we talk about everything and i tell him when men hit on me as well. we never act on it and we find it funny and tease each other about but aren't tempted because we believe in marraige and we know whats at stake.

Tah - posted on 06/07/2011

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Yeah...if he isn't sorry and doesn't want to work it out then thats on him. They soon find out its cheaper to keep her..lol. In all seriousness though, if he can't own up to his part in it and understand that the husrt and death of the trust in the relationship doesn't end when he says im sorry then this is what he wants. He probably thought he could make you feel guilty about it and when he couldn't then he got angry because he didn't get his way. The girls have the affairs with more often then not never amount to anything and they relaize they messed up. If you want to be with someone you do everything to make it work, including counseling and dealing with their hurt and proving to them that you can be trusted. he has proved he can't.

[deleted account]

Thanks Ladies. That makes me feel better. I feel guilty enough as it is, because I have 3 small children who when daddy gets home, will find out we are divorced. I am tired of putting up with so much crap from him, though. He has always lied to me throughout the marriage, and been disrespectful of my feelings and opinions, so it makes sense that he would continue to be that way during the deployment. I even told him that if he were severely injured, I would tear up the divorce papers and take care of him, and I don't think he even wants that. I really admire men that are in the military, but even more do I admire men that under stressful situations, maintain their integrity. I think if I were to stay with him, I'd just be asking for more crap in the future. Yes, we have talked about it all, and he doesn't seem very sorry. He's more mad at me for not forgiving him five seconds after I found out, and blamed me for it, rather than taking ownership. He also refuses to talk to a chaplain or counselor and doesn't want to try and work things out, so I really shouldn't feel so guilty. Thanks, Ladies.

Tah - posted on 06/06/2011

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i haven't had to deal with it, and i won't say that i would leave at the first sight of trouble, meaning if he slipped up, was honest and really showed he wanted to work it out, thats being home or not,.I would NOT be a doormat though.My husband and I are best friends and each others biggest supportes and we tell each other everything so no doubt i would be crushed and in shock.



I know they need a release while depolyed but they know what to do. I don't think being deployed is an excuse to cheat. I may not be in a war zone but im definitely fighting battles while they are gone. We get lonely, stressed etc but if he found out you had Mike or Jody over for a late night snack he would have his mom and sisters there the next morning serving you papers and moving your things out. If he is not being honest, sneaking aorund and not making an honest effort to change these things about him then i wouldn't say stay.



I don't know your situation but what you have shared and i don't know if he wants the divorce or what his attitude is about it or what the issue stems from to say if you are right or wrong, but it is your choice. Now i wouldn't be divorcing him because i feel stupid in front of others for forgiving him because we all go through things in life. I have a friend whose husband has had an affair on every deployment, not exaggeration and she always finds out, at least 5. One girl left pregnant and to this day they dont know whose baby it is or if she had it, at least not that he's telling and she has not left him or really ever given any consequences for what he has done so he continues and she stays..here's to 14 years of hell. That i will not do or condone.



Whether or not he had sex with her, he had an affiar. He snuck around and goodness gracious he spent R&R with her, even if they had lattes and talked about old times, he lied and deceived you. Which i doubt thats all he did because who in the world takes their R&R from a war zone to go see an ex that they aren't going to have sex with. PUUHHLLEASE. Cheating is rampid in the military, but don't be misled, all married people in there don't do it and they are enduring the same hardships as others.



I can understand a deployed person looking elsewhere to get support if they don't feel they are getting it from home or if home is stressful and clouds their minds and judgement, but they need to have willpower and God and avoid temptation.

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