How can I?

Amy - posted on 06/06/2010 ( 21 moms have responded )

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The reality of my husband deploying this fall has finally hit me. I knew that it would but wasn't sure when it would happen. How can I let myself worry and cry and not affect my 1 year old son and make it harder on my husband? I know it is hard on my husband and I don't want to make it worse by making him worry about how I am handling it, but I need someone to talk to about it. I don't have any friends that are military and the FRG is 21/2 hrs away from me. How can I make sure that my worries are taken care of without making my sons or husbands worse? Please, all I want to do is cry right now thinking of what he will miss in our sons life. It breaks my heart. I know that he thinks about it as well, but how do I deal with it?
I am looking for encouragement and suggestions. If you think I am weak move on, I don't want to hear what you have to say.

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Paula - posted on 06/14/2010

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I am totally in your boat...I am fixing to go (well my kids too) thru our first deployment and i am like freaking out...I am good and then I think about him goin over there and just wanna cry...On labor day we watched the little things they have on youtube and I had to run to the bathroom....(yah told him I had to potty) cause I wanna let him know I can do this and not be a weakling yah know...But as it gets closer and closer I think about it more and more.... and I get all scared and stuff... My fear is he gets hurt or worse...or that you know he gets all lonely and someone helps him get unlonely (yah i know but hey I am being honest)....I read Tiffany"s down there and I think we might try that it sounds like a good idea cause I got alot of fears and a couple that might be alittle irrational...:)

Lisa-Louise - posted on 06/13/2010

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you ladies have given some nice and good advice for everyone on here because its not easy or fun - my husband is deployed too right now and has only been 3weeks but aready feels forever .... which im finding hard as im British over here alone with a 1hlf old and 3mnth old both girls ,have met a few pple but still getting to know them as havent been here very long ! we only had 4wks notice to him leaving - he didnt finish A.L.S till the fri by the mon he started his out processing to leave the follwing week .... I wish we had more time together before him leaving especially after having to babies so close , wanted him to have more time with the girls and photos etc .. so i would say defo make the most of the time you have before your hubby leaves ... then try keep yaself busy. MAKE sure to keep contact with each other when poss. lke i said im finding it soooooo hard right now and emotionally aswell but i no by the end of it - it will makes us stronger and love and appreiate each other more . good luck guys and try keep strong and proud of your man : )

Krys - posted on 06/13/2010

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My fiance is deploying sometime in November to afghan..we are getting married soon but i sorta know how you feel..i go through so many emotions lately ..i sometimes feel i will never have enough time with him..the FRG is almost 3 hrs from me and i wrry abt him and at first i cried alot..and then i sorta got angry and now im just all cried out ..and he has helped me through alot..all i can tell you stay busy and pray...:)

Priscilla - posted on 06/13/2010

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I'm in the military myself just getting back from deployment. I know how you feel even though I was on the other end leaving my son. My husband was fantastic with our son. I promise having your lil man will help alot. When my husband deployed it was hard but I took picutres every week to show his growth and wrote him all the time. Just hang in there. Get a hobby or if you like No one ever said it was easy but it will make you stronger. Good Luck.

Ginny - posted on 06/13/2010

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Amy, It must be hard knowing the disconnection that is to come. You must be wondering will my son remember him? Will i be so lonely i can't handle it. Will he ever come home. it makes sense that you would feel so scared. You want to know he is connected with you no matter what, that your son will greet him with open arems when he returns, that you are a solidly connected family no matter how distant you are.
One thing i know as a Mom of a fallen soldier and parent instructor, is that he can always be with you. there are so many things you can do to help keep your son connected and yourself besides using web cam. Two suggestions: go to Daddydolls.com and try to get a pillow doll with his picture imprinted in the fabric. Have your husband sleep with this doll every night from now until he leaves so his "Daddy" smell is also imprinted on the doll. Second, have Daddy do a ritual that involves touch and eye contact. for ex. Twinkle,twinkle, little star. what a wonderful child you are. With bright eyes and nice round cheeks, Talented child from head to feet. Twinkle, twinkle, little star. What a wonderful child you are. You can get this ritual and more online or at local Barnes & Noble. it is called I Love You Rituals by Dr. Becky Bailey. i highly suggest that Daddy does this ritual everyday when son goes to sleep or wakes up. Then just before he leaves videotape him doing the ritual to the camera lens. When he is deployed you can play this every morning and night for your son. Another one i made up for the military is: A wonderful soldier lived far away. He had a little son he remembered everyday. He hugged him in the morning. He kissed him at night. I Love you, I Love you, I Love you, sleep tight! You can do this Amy. Just find ways to stay connected. if you want more suggestions please feel free to contact me... :)

Becky - posted on 06/12/2010

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My heart goes out to you but believe me you are not alone in how you feel. You're human and you love your spouse - it's natural to feel this way and no deployment is ever easy for anyone involved.

First, be proud of the job your hubby performs and let him know you are. The first advise FRG Leaders will tell spouses is you need to really communicate -- and often. He knows you are going through hell and that whether you admit it or not it will get worse for a while. He also knows that family and friends will start to figure out that you need extra support and things will get better. It takes time and unfortunately it's up to you to determine how long.

I'm the FRG Leader for a unit in Wisconsin. Our men & women returned last September so when I took over I had to deal with rebuilding family relationships. Our past FRG sucked - no communication and no support. Since taking over, I've filled my filing cabinets with LOTS of materials from Military OneSource -- they have so much awesome material that is free to soldiers and family members. When you married him, did you ever get information on support and websites for you?

You don't need to have a FRG within driving distance for it to work for you. Call your leader and ask them how they can help you -- that is their position. If they can't give you some direction or support, contact me and I'll send you what I can -- I'll even give you my phone number if you want to talk. You can contact me via email at 330th.mp.frg@gmail.com. Let me know how I can help.

Ariean - posted on 06/11/2010

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My husband is deploying in Aug., he is a reserved and our frg is 2 hrs away too. I know excatly how you are feeling. I'm so scared and nervous and I feel like I can't talk to him because I don't want to make his own stress worse. You are not weak in anyway shape or form. Every emotion you are feeling is normal. I have talked to many wives on here that feel the same way.My son is 6 and he is having the worst time ever with it, so I have to stay strong for him. I feel like if he sees me upset it will make matters worse. Sometimes when he goes to sleep I write my feelings out or I just sit and cry. All in all it just makes me feel better. Sometimes you just have to let your feelings out, and I know its hard when people don't understand. Good luck and stay strong:)

Tiffany - posted on 06/11/2010

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Any time of separation can be extremely difficult. It's hard when you have to be the strong one. Do you have a video camera? If not I would suggest that you make the investment as it can help make some things a little easier. You can use it to track the developments of your child and before he leaves, he can record himself leaving messages or reading books or whatever for your son and you. Take lots of pictures. Perhaps, and maybe this sounds weird to you, but get some "nice" ones taken of you for him to take when he leaves. www.militaryonesource.com is an excellent resource when it comes to anything military. They have a ton of information and support for deployments. Take advantage of it. All of it is free. DVD's, books, pamphlets... And remember, you are not alone out there. It may feel like it but you're not. Perhaps a vacation visiting family may be in order. A lot of spouses do that if they don't have school for older children to worry about. Good luck.

Brenna - posted on 06/11/2010

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My husband is deploying this fall as well. I have a 1 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. I was really freaked out about it, but now I'm excited. I don't have good connections in the FRG either, and the gal heading it up isn't boosting my confidence at all. But I have a good support team outside of them, and a couple I know wih military experience offered to be my go-to people if the FRG continues being difficult. But I am trying to get a Playgroup for the moms of kids around my kids' age, so I have at least a little time with people going through the same thing.



It is okay to let your child see you unhappy. He's gonna be affected by his dad's absence too, and he'll be really unhappy without the means to express it. Just as long as you put a positive spin on it: "I miss Daddy very much, too. It's okay to feel sad that he's gone." But be sure you get you time. Get a babysitter and escape for a few hours each week. Even if you just go to the library and end with an ice cream cone from McDonald's. Do something relaxing, yet fun. And get in tons of adult interaction. Do not isolate yourself or stuff feelings.



What really helps me is thinking about technology we have today. Webcams, email, VOIPs, fancy phones (the Droid has a free Skype app, so he can call via that and get you 24/7 if you have it), video cameras, etc. It's a lot easier to stay in touch than I was thinking it would be, and that's a huge relief off my shoulders. By the way, we're gonna have an 8x10 of my husband that will be brought out at all the holidays and birthdays and random days. It'll be in all the videos and pictures, so it's kind of like he's there. And the other thing is, record, record, record. On top of the videos and pictures, I'm getting journals. Every night we'll sit down and decide what events should be written down from the day. Don't think about how he's missing, think about how excited he'll be to learn about everything.



I also recommend talking to him. My husband was a huge source of comfort for me, once I got over the fear of making it worse for him. In fact, just the opposite happened. He'd been really worried that I was stuffing feelings and going to be too overwhelmed, so the talks helped him cope better with the upcoming deployment.

Shelly - posted on 06/11/2010

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Hi! Amy I am so sorry that you are dealing with this while your son is young. I unfortunately am facing the same issue. Our kids are 7 and 11 and they are both boys. We have been lucky that my husband has been on a tradoc post since we have been married. The last time he was deployed was prior to our marriage. I know my husband is worried and he is hurting even though he doesn't show it, which in some ways makes it harder cause he is so quiet.I wish that he woud just open up so that we can deal with our emotions together until he leaves. I wish that i could tell you it gets easier but i don't think it ever does. Cry when your sons asleep and when your husbands gone. It's not ideal but it's the only advice I have I'm sorry.

Deena - posted on 06/09/2010

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Keep your chin up and always remember when a military wife is at her weakest she is still stronger than most. I also told my husband all the time before he left to War that I had things taken care of and NOT to worry about the kids, me or the house. So that way he had his mind on what he needed to do over there. It was very hard at times. Your so not alone on the feelings your dealing with. Just remember He will not be gone forever, he will come home. Take care

DANIELLE - posted on 06/09/2010

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This is very hard. I am just reaching the midpoint in our deployment. The beginning will be hard and believe me I cried ALOT! It doesn't make you weak, sometimes you actually feel better. I used to just go in the room and close the door and cry. I think deployment for every cpouple is different. You have to find what works for you in time the pain will get easier but it never totally goes away. Personally I never felt like anyone understood my feelings, even my friends whose spouses are in the military and went through this before. I am just waiting for it to be over. Prayer helps ALOT!

Lacey - posted on 06/08/2010

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I was nine months pregnant when my husband was deployed the first time. It was hard on me but my son Uriah luckily didn't have to worry about that since he was born 2 weeks after his dad left. The second time my husband was deployed our son Uriah was about three years old. I did cry alot but, I would always tell him that daddy was away doing his job and he would be home soon. I also had alot of family around and we all took lots of pictures and videos and kept up with the baby book and all of his big milestones. It is always good to cry and not try and hold it in, it seems to make things worse. Good Luck and God Bless!

Hilary - posted on 06/08/2010

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You are doing what so many of us do as Mums which is trying to make sure everyone else is ok before worrying about ourselves. It is ok to share with your husband your concerns, whilst supporting what he has to do, its part of being a couple.

In some ways it will give your husband comfort that he is needed at home and he is necessary. There is a huge difference between carrying on as normal, and doing the best you can when the person you share the load with has to be somewhere else. If you can continue as normal, I think it makes our men question their value to the family.

It is a fact that while he is deployed you have to try to be Mum and Dad, but no one is Superhuman and you won't get everything done quite the way it would have been if your Husband was with you, but your priority will be your child and that will keep you going.

We have 4 kids, and my husband has completed a number of deployments now. While the children were very small we told them that Daddy had to go away to work for a while, but would be back as soon as he could. As they got older, they wanted more of an explanation as to where he went and what he did. Each time we have tried to give them enough information to satisfy them without frightening them.

If you can have access even briefly to skype or something similar, the difference it can make is huge, if not, how about making films of your little one and sending them to your Husband while he's away so he can see the changes. Even old fashioned photos in the mail will help. I appreciate contact can be difficult depending on where he goes and his job, and sadly there is little any of us can do about that. My husband made recordings of himself reading favourite stories so that the children remembered his voice.

You are not weak, but you are normal, my final word of advice would be don't try to fool everyone that you are fine if you're not, accept help if its offered from friends (if its not offered then ask!), the non military ones won't have any idea how worried you are when he goes, but that doesn't mean they won't want to help if you'll let them.

good luck to you xx

Michelle - posted on 06/08/2010

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You are a mom.. You are never weak. Within your weakest moment remember to look at your son and I promise you will find the strength to get up again.

I don't wish to bore you with my long story, but I will tell you that the past year has been hell for my family and I. My husband is currently PCSd to Japan. He came home in January after being away from my daughter and I almost a year. During that time I got pregnant and am due the end of September. We have been working on command sponsorship, but as with everything in the Army its hurry up and wait. My husband is not due to PCS again until June of 2011. So I understand your pain.

Please try not to hold onto the things he will miss. Take lots of pictures and buy a camcorder. Make lots of home movies that you can mail or send to your husband. But when you feel the need to cry. Cry. Talk to your husband as much as you can and keep a photo album of your family around you so when you feel lonely or blue bring your son into your arms and read him the story of his life with daddy in it. It may make you cry more, but it will keep your son connected to his daddy. I hope this helps a little and always remember you have us military wives on circle of moms for any support you need;)

C. - posted on 06/07/2010

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Ok, well.. Out of my son's almost 2 years of life (he will be turning two this month), my husband has only been able to see him almost 9 months. He's missed a lot.. And he is still currently deployed. I know it's hard, but you will get through it. Trust me! What I did was try to hold back my tears until my son was already in bed, I'd go in the other room and just cry until I had no tears left to cry. That went on for a few months after my husband deployed and it happened after my husband went back after R&R, too.. It is hard to think about. I think sometimes letting ourselves have a good, long cry really helps. Really surround yourself with things that both you and your son love to do. Surround yourself with family and friends if possible, take your son to the park or go window shopping, do crafts.. Whatever you love to do that will help you pass the time, dive in! I cannot stress that enough. I was supposed to go back to work at my old job when I came back home for my husband's deployment, but it turned out I wouldn't have enough for daycare and gas, just one or the other, so it wasn't possible for me. Then everything just started going wrong.. Long story short, I still don't have a license or a car and I pretty much stay at my mom's house with my son day in and day out.. Very depressing, so don't do it!!! :) But I'm very serious about letting yourself cry every now and then. Sometimes you just need to let it all out. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here. Good luck and take care!

Amy - posted on 06/07/2010

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Thank you guy's! Those are great ideas. Charlotte, I do have close friends and am extremely close to my family, but they don't understand what it is like to be so far away from someone you love for so long and be ok with it. That is what I am struggling with. Not having anyone that really understands what I am going through.

Tiffany - posted on 06/07/2010

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when my husband deployed in march '09 we sat down just the two of us a few days before he left and talked about what we were scared of. we both cried and didnt hold anything back. it actually kinda helped. i got to be honest with him and cry if i wanted to cry and not worry about how it would make him feel cause he was doing the same thing. it was kinda like a little closure on him having to leave. i was still sad when he left but it made me feel better knowing he was scared too. to know that he was worried about what would happen while he was gone and that he was sad that he was going to miss the birth of our second son and a year of our 2 yr old sons life.

i aslo made him a little scrapbook for him to take with him. it started when we first met and ended with the the sonogram of our second child we had gotten a couple days before. i put quotes in the book that we loved. i also wrote him a letter in the back telling him how much i was going to miss him and how i knew it was going to be hard without him but we would be fine.

i took lots of pics of the boys while he was gone and filmed anything that i didnt want him to miss. i always let our 2yr old draw pics to send him in his care packages.

when we were on webcam i always let him see the children and talk to them and then we would talk just us while they napped. i also left the webcam on and had it pointed at the kids while they played so he could feel like he was home. and when he came home after being gone for 11 months he felt like he didnt miss as much.

i hope i helped a little. u and ur family are in my prayers.

Charlotte - posted on 06/07/2010

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my husband went away when my daughter was 4 weeks old so he missed the first 7 months of her life we planned a second baby so he would have the first year with him before deployment and he has had 2 go away 4 8 weeks im home alone with a 21 month old and a 3 month old she keeps asking for her daddy and doesnt understand why hes not back everynight. you just need to do what i do take everyday as it comes take lots of pictures do you have any family or close friends you could maybe talk to? is this your husbands first deployment if it is it does get easier take care and keep your head up x

Brittany - posted on 06/06/2010

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I dont think your weak in anyway, your human and strong, but you dont have to feel alone! of course we all dont want our husbands to know how awful we feel or how we miss them sooo much before they even leave and were breaking down slowly, all i can say is, yes it is difficult...BUT you cant let the stress and heartache get to you, it can put you in a state of depression before you realize it, its best you spend every moment you can letting your husband know you love him, you support him, and you stand by him. As for your son, he's lucky to not really understand what is going on, but also yes its sad your husband wont be around for awhile to watch him grow, but you have to think positivly, think....how when your husband comes home you have a lifetime of yall making family memories together, i hope i helped alittle..... :)

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