All Communities > Military Spouses with Children! > How do I be a good wife and a good mom?

How do I be a good wife and a good mom?

Chantelle - posted on 09/07/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

23

6

Alright I feel strange about posting this because I don't know anyone specifically here however it also makes me feel a lil easier blogging about here for the same reason. We are all military spouses and mothers here so I am sure we have all struggled between being the good military wife and being the good mom. I love my fiance, our family, and and my boys which is what makes this so hard.
I moved 3300 miles to be with my fiance and we have known each other for 12 years the military really seemed to change him. In his past he abused drugs and alcohol but when he joined the service that all changed. It tore us apart many times in our past but this time was supposed to be different. He no longer has the drug problems but I think the alcohol has become a problem again. I am a recovering drug addict who sobered up for myself and my unborn child. I don't claim to be better so I hope everyone understands this. ANyways back to the fiance he has been home from Iraq since the beginning of June and maybe the deployment and what he can't talk about has a role in this but I fear its deeper than that.
He didn't go thru a recovery program he just quite everything cold turkey and that was the only thing that used to fix his problems in his mind. If a relationship went bad he'd turn to drugs or alcohol. If he lost a job, had a falling out with his family, fell on hard times as we all do sometimes it was the same answer. In the past three months he has only gone a little over two weeks without a drink. In the beginning he would go thru liquor but I put my foot down. After that it has been beer.
I grew up in an alcoholic home and want more than that for myself and my family. I have loved this man with all of me since the age of 13 and I am breaking inside. If I want to do something besides sit at home with him and the boys on any given day but mostly the weekends I have to give him an itinerary before the day starts because he will start drinking. When I ask him to get up with the 19 month old on the weekends he has started doing it but I have to follow behind him because he will grab a beer and the boys will do whatever they want. I called him on it and he says he takes care of his fatherly duties with the boys in the morning when he gets up with them and then he opens a beer; and that its only A beer. I try to explain to him that its not normal to have to have a drink every morning, and he says we aren't exactly normal. He is on edge the entire time he isn't able to have a drink. Asking him to throw it away causes fights. He keeps saying that he won't be like my stepdad but he already is stepping into those shoes. We went a week and a half without going to the commissary before he finally got that there wasn't what we needed in the house. He will offer to take the boys and me out; have a few drinks and then obviously he can't drive anywhere and looses his motivation. I am so heart broken and crushed.
The drinking has interfered in his military career as well and I am not sure what it is going to take him to wake up. He doesn't seem to care sometimes. He's never physical with me but emmotional and verbal abuse is not any easier to swallow. I need some advice his superiors know theres an issue and he is severely depressed. He needs some help but is afraid his military career will end if he asks for exactly what he needs or is too honest about whats eating at him. How can I help him without being an enabler? He has two boys watching his steps why can't he understand this and just do right by them? I have explained that alcohol is a depressant but he doesn't know how else to make himself feel "normal" without it.
I was a mom before I was anything in this world and I need to show my son how strong I am; just not sure how to be stronger here? Stick it out or walk away? If he won't get help its my personal experience as a recovering addict that no change will be permenant. I just want him to care about his future enough to sober up. Arrgghhh someone please help me.
**Disclaimer: I am not down playing what he has experienced in the line of dutyor telling a soldier how to deal with what he sees in a days work. I am just trying to figure out what the best idea is for combating this.**

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms

5 Comments

View replies by

Chantelle - posted on 09/17/2010

23

6

Thanks Ladies for all of your input I am proud to say that the power of prayer is a mighty powerful thing. As a recovering addict I have been going to sober meetings with him and have seen a huge improvement in him, his relationship with me and the boys, and in myself. His superiors realized he had a drinking problem and addiction issue so he has been ordered into ASAP. He is now willingly going to two or three meetings and actively working towards bettering his relationship and communication with me and the boys. We are taking it one day at a time and have begun to allow God back into the equation on both sides. I am so grateful for everyone's input as to Adrienn and Tonya thanks for realizing the strength I posess and reminding me that it was there. It gave me the courage to mention the issue on a more serious level with him and gave the control back to me that I had felt was long lost. I can't say how tomorrow will go for us but I know today we are God fearing Christians who love each other and their boys, and most importantly that we are sober and free of all addictions!

Katherine - posted on 09/16/2010

6

37

My hubby and I have both been to counsiling they are telling the truth about it not causing issues with work. My hubby had problems with PTSD. The job of a soldier takes a lot of a person sometimes when someone is having problems they use certain things as a crutch to get by, they tell them selves "If I can just do this or that then I can make it through the day"... I have experience with drug addiction so I no what that is like, I used it as my way of forgeting for just a little bit. Thats probablly what he is doing, trying to forget... trying to make it through the day. I understand that you want to help him, that you want him to be the man that you and your kids need. Counciling may help, but you have been there too so you know that ultimatly he has to make the choice himself and that no one can do it for him. All you can do is tell him how you feel about it, tell him what its doing to the kids, then in the end you have to do what you have to do for your kids.

Adrienne - posted on 09/07/2010

89

22

Definitely try counseling, as Mandy said it doesn't follow him. Leaving him should be a last resort, as you said your boys are watching him as an example of how to be a man, and of you on what a woman should be. You do sound like a remarkably strong woman, but will your boys see you as that when they are older? Will the see that you allowed it to happen and thats just how couples are? You want to stop the cycle of violence, and again as you said emotional and verbal is just as hard to swallow, if not more than physical abuse. Definitely consult the chaplain, anything said between you and him can't be repeated or anything like that unless there is a definite risk of harm to yourself, fiance or kids. If the behavior continues you have a few options, leave, take it to his superiors, or stay and put up with it. Good luck, and good for you for trying to help him! Remember though, it is not your responsibility to save him. He is making these choices.

Tonya - posted on 09/07/2010

52

26

Mandy had some great advice, it broke my heart to read your story. I know you don't want pity, you sound like an amazingly strong woman and you should be so proud of yourself. I don't know how you feel about this, but I will be praying for you. It sounds like you kind of know what you want to do, but not sure how to do it. If you have any base access through your children with him, use it, it will be for thier benefit as well as the family as a whole. Try Family support and Military One Source. They can give you info on counseling and will be able to answer your questions. Good luck and don't give up!

Mandy - posted on 09/07/2010

15

39

Have you considered entering therapy? TRICARE covers family therapy/counseling in many circumstances, and self-referral to counseling cannot be held against you in things like performance reports and security background investigations. However, disciplinary action and sub-standard performance will follow him around for years.



It gets a little tricky because he's your fiance and not your husband. Therefore the entitlements and privileges are significantly different. (You might be able to get around some things if your baby is his dependent... ie, bring the baby to appointments.) If you cannot compel your finance to self-refer through TRICARE, maybe the chaplain's office will make an appointment with you? I'm pretty sure that if you explained the situation a chaplain would make some time to see you. Even if you're not religious, military chaplains are typically good about listening to people and referring them to the appropriate resources if they need/desire more help.



It doesn't sound to me like you're ready to give up on him yet.



Good luck!

Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Want to find out the opinions of this community?

Add Poll