Chantelle - posted on 09/07/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )
Alright I feel strange about posting this because I don't know anyone specifically here however it also makes me feel a lil easier blogging about here for the same reason. We are all military spouses and mothers here so I am sure we have all struggled between being the good military wife and being the good mom. I love my fiance, our family, and and my boys which is what makes this so hard.
I moved 3300 miles to be with my fiance and we have known each other for 12 years the military really seemed to change him. In his past he abused drugs and alcohol but when he joined the service that all changed. It tore us apart many times in our past but this time was supposed to be different. He no longer has the drug problems but I think the alcohol has become a problem again. I am a recovering drug addict who sobered up for myself and my unborn child. I don't claim to be better so I hope everyone understands this. ANyways back to the fiance he has been home from Iraq since the beginning of June and maybe the deployment and what he can't talk about has a role in this but I fear its deeper than that.
He didn't go thru a recovery program he just quite everything cold turkey and that was the only thing that used to fix his problems in his mind. If a relationship went bad he'd turn to drugs or alcohol. If he lost a job, had a falling out with his family, fell on hard times as we all do sometimes it was the same answer. In the past three months he has only gone a little over two weeks without a drink. In the beginning he would go thru liquor but I put my foot down. After that it has been beer.
I grew up in an alcoholic home and want more than that for myself and my family. I have loved this man with all of me since the age of 13 and I am breaking inside. If I want to do something besides sit at home with him and the boys on any given day but mostly the weekends I have to give him an itinerary before the day starts because he will start drinking. When I ask him to get up with the 19 month old on the weekends he has started doing it but I have to follow behind him because he will grab a beer and the boys will do whatever they want. I called him on it and he says he takes care of his fatherly duties with the boys in the morning when he gets up with them and then he opens a beer; and that its only A beer. I try to explain to him that its not normal to have to have a drink every morning, and he says we aren't exactly normal. He is on edge the entire time he isn't able to have a drink. Asking him to throw it away causes fights. He keeps saying that he won't be like my stepdad but he already is stepping into those shoes. We went a week and a half without going to the commissary before he finally got that there wasn't what we needed in the house. He will offer to take the boys and me out; have a few drinks and then obviously he can't drive anywhere and looses his motivation. I am so heart broken and crushed.
The drinking has interfered in his military career as well and I am not sure what it is going to take him to wake up. He doesn't seem to care sometimes. He's never physical with me but emmotional and verbal abuse is not any easier to swallow. I need some advice his superiors know theres an issue and he is severely depressed. He needs some help but is afraid his military career will end if he asks for exactly what he needs or is too honest about whats eating at him. How can I help him without being an enabler? He has two boys watching his steps why can't he understand this and just do right by them? I have explained that alcohol is a depressant but he doesn't know how else to make himself feel "normal" without it.
I was a mom before I was anything in this world and I need to show my son how strong I am; just not sure how to be stronger here? Stick it out or walk away? If he won't get help its my personal experience as a recovering addict that no change will be permenant. I just want him to care about his future enough to sober up. Arrgghhh someone please help me.
**Disclaimer: I am not down playing what he has experienced in the line of dutyor telling a soldier how to deal with what he sees in a days work. I am just trying to figure out what the best idea is for combating this.**