How do I deal with my children's emotions, when I can't deal with my own?

Amber - posted on 03/01/2009

Thank you all so much. Your words mean alot to me. Just knowing that there are other people going through the same things and feelings is a great comfort. As I sat here and read what everyone wrote I had tears running down my face. I will try your suggestions and work to make my life happy the way it is. I know this experience will make me a better and stronger person. Thank you for your kind words.

Kimberly - posted on 03/01/2009

Having to be a "Single Mom" after all that time is tough.  My husband isn't deployed, but he does work at another location during the week....so we ony see him on weekends.  The first thing you need to do for you is find a way to treat yourself.  Watch the chick-flicks you wouldn't normally watch with your husband.  Read your book in bed.  Have some quiet time doing something YOU want to do after the kids are in bed.  Those are things that will help you feel like you can keep it together inside yourself.  Once you feel better, you will find that your family life will probably straighten out.

Traci isn't kidding when she says your kids know when you are stressed out.  The thing we often forget is that they are stressed out too....but unlike the adults in this situation they may not know why and may not understand what is happening.  I remember listening to one of my friends complain that her kids were unbearable as she was frantically trying to prepare for a move....they didn't get it.  They didn't understand why they had to leave their friends, why their house was in an uproar, why mom was so freaked out.

I am a firm believer in talking it out with your kids, even when they are little.  When I am feeling stressed and bothered by our situation, I tell the kids that I am feeling frustrated or sad, that I wish Dad was here too.  I find that it helps them to know why mom seems to be on the war-path but it also gives them a chance to share how they are feeling about the situation.  I also usually say that I need a hug because I am feeling that way.  It gives me a chance to get a hold of them, which also helps.  It also models the behaviors you WANT them to follow...that rather than fight or carry on, they should talk about it and ask for a hug.

On another note, try to look at it this way....the fact that you are having a hard time living without your husband means that your relationship is strong and that it really is central to your life.  Think of that as the Good News.  Also, you won't always be apart.  The separation really will be over eventually.  Having said that, I will say that when my husband was in OBC my siblings all laughed at me because I was so pitiful without him.  And I still am when he is away, but my job is to keep it together...so  I do.

Go tell your kids you need a hug.  And if you can't talk to your husband on the phone (video chat works wonders also) sit down with the kids and make a big card to send.  Good luck, k.

Traci - posted on 03/01/2009

I guess for myself...I just accepted the fact that my husband is doing his job because he loves us and wants to provide for us. He doesn't choose to be deployed or go out to field problems because he wants to, just part of the job. I support him on whatever his career brings because he defiantly needs support. Because of his job, I am able to stay home with our kids and raise them and I am thankful for that because most families do not have that priveledge at this time.



It is hard being a military family but eventually you get use to the time they are away and you get into a routine. You defiantly need to take time for yourself once in awhile and get a break. The kids will have a hard time to adjust but will slowly get around. Just stay upbeat and keep a routine. Kids can sense when you are stressed and are having a hard time.

Teyaka - posted on 03/01/2009

Well, I found that looking at the time I spend away from my husband as a vacation. If I look at it like that, the time spent away doesn't seem to be as long. I mean, there isn't anymore to fight over the covers and heat with. I can pretty much do what I want without worrying if my plans will run into problems with his. When the kids really get to me, I ask a friend to take them for a weekend, at least overnight so I can have some time to myself. During that time I can read a book, relax in front of the tv, or just drive somewhere.

As for the kids, stay consistant. If they act out, punish them accordingly. If your husband was the main disicplinary person, they are going to try to push you to your limits. They are going to want to test you and see how far they can go. Don't let them. Also try  to do some fun things with them. Take them out somewhere just because you felt like it. But as long as you stay calm and relaxed, they shouldn't be too bad. Most kids feed off of how the parents feel. Most respond to negative feelings by acting out, so try to stay relaxed and calm.

If need be, tell the kids that everyone has a quiet time. Designate a time every day for everyone to reflect and relax. Tell the kids they can do whatever they want as long as they are quiet. Its not a naptime, just a quiet time.