how do the military moms do everything when the daddys are gone...Haveing a hard time around

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Christina - posted on 10/03/2009

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You have to take it one step at a time. Nobody expects you to be perfect. I was a scatterbrain the first couple weeksmy husband was gone even though he was still in the states, so ny the time he left foer overseas I had a routine. But that all changed wen school started and we are getting close to being back on track now. My children are older, so theyhave responsibilities around the house and that helps me a lot. But never be afraid to ask for help, I have found that my family assistance rep is full of info. I don't have a lot of family support near me, but i do have some friends I depend on. I live 2 hours away from my husbands units base and It is difficult to know what is going on, so try to keep up with the FRG it can be a big help.

Erica - posted on 10/02/2009

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The first few weeks your spouse is gone is hard...definately an adjustment. You have to learn to not live so much by a schedule because you will drive yourself crazy because the schedule wont work out. A big help for me was finding time to go to a mommy and me class where my son could play with other children and I could get the adult interaction with the other adults (very important!) who also had spouses who were away. Just take a deep breath and go one day at a time.

Francina - posted on 10/01/2009

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One day at a time. Prioritize...choose your battles. Try to make errands all done on one day. Learn to accept help when friends offer it (yeah, still have to get better on that one myself)....and trade off with friends (babysitting or cooking while the other takes care of things). Remember that not everything has to be perfect 24/7... the hardest thing to learn I think.

Jamie - posted on 08/12/2009

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It's hard, but dont try to do EVERYTHING. Just do what NEEDS to be done until ou guys get settled without Daddy home, then start catching up on what else needs to be done! Have fun thats all that matters! Daddy doesnt have to be home for fun like zoo trips etc!

Pamela - posted on 08/12/2009

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Hugs, prayers and blessings to all current active duty military families! I was a young military wife at 18, we had 3 sons who are now 20, 17 an 15, all boys!! My husband is now retired after 20 years of service and I can't remember how many (too many! lol) 6 month deployments and one 10month deployment! The best thing that you can do is have a routine, make solid friendships, the ones you can call at 2am! Get a babysitter at least once a month! Swap with other moms and then it doesn't cost, but this doesn't always work well, so if you can swing it, pay for one! lol Join the YMCA, free child care while you workout, yoga or swim with your friends! They have great memberships for military!

MAKE SURE you keep the line of communication open with your spouse between yourself and the child/children! Even though we are "stuck" at home and they get to port and sometimes go to great places, they really would rather be home with us! Make sure when Dad does come home you have couple time and your child has daddy time! Which also gives you some "me" time! Even if it means just going for a drive or walk!!

I could write a book!! lol But those are some key things! Good Luck!!

Tifani - posted on 08/12/2009

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Girl, I hear you, I have 3 kids now (8, 2 1/2, and almost 1) and when it's just us sometimes I feel like I am just coming apart at the seams. But somehow we make it everytime, and we love him all the more when he gets home :)

Tiffany - posted on 08/12/2009

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My husband and I are going through out 7th deployment in 7 years but this is our first entire one with our son(he came home when our son was a month old.) I try and do keep busy. I am constantly taking pictures to email my husband so he can see how big his clone is getting. LOL I teach 2 year olds, go to school and we just bought a new house before he deployed so I am always busy. I still get a little lonely and worried at the end of the day but I try to remember that he is over there doing his job and he will be back.

Nikki - posted on 08/12/2009

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I have a four year old and my husband recently deployed with the USAF. I try to take it day by day, and on a day that either of us are feeling particularly down, I try and do something really special that I know my son will like. We do "Mommy & Cooper Date Nights" and go to a movie of his choice (or watch one at home), we play a game that we save for special occasions, or we go to the zoo...pretty much anything to distract us. When he is happy, I am happy. We talk about my husband a lot, and when we go shopping we always look for a present to send him (which my son LOVES) and we try to talk to him on the phone and use Skype as much as we can. I have learned not to worry about the small stuff- if the house isn't clean, the world won't end. I also have a great group of friends who have their husbands deployed also, so we try to get together and have girl time every once and a while so we can take a few minutes to ourselves versus always having to put on the "strong-Mommy" front. There is a group on Facebook called "Deployments Suck" and you are welcome to join and vent anytime. It is a group I created to help support family and friends when their loved ones are away. Good luck- and hang in there!

Brooke - posted on 08/12/2009

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Stay busy and dont give yourself time to stop and think- the mind plays cruel tricks.

Kassey - posted on 08/11/2009

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One day at a time is definitely a good answer and as we near the end I find it even harder. Just remember when he comes home that his life has been different for a while now too and there is alot of adjusting for both of you to do that is something alot of spouses don't think of when hubby returns the expect him to just step back into daddy and hubby mode right away it is not that easy for them either just be patient you will get through it all.

Sara - posted on 08/10/2009

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Hi :) I've been through 3 year to year and half deployments within the last six years, my husband is usually only home for 8 to 10 months between deployments. I've learned that schedules and routines work best for everyone...With the scheduling you must also include yourself in the schedule..What I do is wake up a littler earlier than I wake my girls up, this gives me time to shower and time to do my hair and my make up, with no rushing..I do whatever needs to be done for them throughout the day and at night I put them to bed and then lay down on the couch, for some me time before bed...I dim the lights and just relax, no cleaning no getting things ready for the next day, just unwinding...There were many days were I felt very overwhelmed and still have those bad days, but I try my hardest to make sure the good out weighs the bad...Also if you're able, ask for a friend to watch your son for a trip to the store or to grab a bite to eat by yourself..Good luck to you and I'm here whenever :)

Keren - posted on 08/10/2009

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Hey Mary! Great Question...My hubby has been gone and is due to return soon, however when he left, I continued to homeschool and work from home...when my children were done with homeschooling for the summer, I kept them busy. I too have a young child 3 years old and my oldest is 9.

Hang in there... It does get easier...Keep in contact, if you want you can join me on facebook

Sarah - posted on 08/10/2009

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Good question! Most important rule - make some time for you too because if you're burned out, you won't be any good to anyone else! My husband left last month for a 7 month deployment and it is not easy! This is hubby's 11th deploy but all of our previous ones were 3 month min, 4 month max (trident subs). This one is going to be the hardest! My little one (who is 6) was 4 the last time he was gone so she's been a real challenge. We were in Japan, of all places for that one, but at least for this deploy we're only stationed 3 hours from family. My 12 year old is okay with him being gone and she has been a huge help to me! Stick to a routine, talk to the kids about daddy every day, and take 10 deep breaths to calm down when you feel like you're gonna lose it!

Patsy - posted on 08/09/2009

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one day at a time is all that i can say. keep you and your kids busy also. plan something for the day and make memories along the way

Dahlia - posted on 08/09/2009

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It is hard...My husband just returned from a year deployment in South Korea. It was so hard because I was by myself with a 5 year. I did not have any family near by or new anyone, except for the the people that I worked with. I tried to stay busy...making jewelry etc so that I would not be focused on being alone. My son would ask me all the time when his dad will be home and I will tell him that he is a work and that he was doing important work helping other people and that is the reason he is not home with us. We also got a web camera so that he could talk his dad. I would put pictures of his dad in his room and tell him that when he misses his dad he can kiss his picture. However, for you just keep busy, busy, to past the time. Try volunteering at your kids school etc. Keep busy and get a web cam...

Amanda - posted on 08/09/2009

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Mary.........we are going through deployment #2 but this is our first with kids, and it's a year long deployment. It is ALOT harder than I thought it would be but you just have to do it one day at a time, one step at a time. The hardest part has been getting them both into some type of new routine. I know that I can't beat myself up if I can't get all the housework done that I'd like to during the day. I figure as long as both my kids are loved, fed, bathed and in a moderately clean home then i'm doing just fine. You can't be super mom as much as we'd all like to be. I can be lucky I guess that I am stay at home and I don't have to work. I have a 4yr old and a 15month old so putting them on the same type of routine is hard because they are at such different stages but you just have to hold your head high and say " I CAN DO THIS" part of being a military wife is being strong and if you've already gone through 5 deployments then you are definately strong just smile and be glad you have a 2yr old to keep you busy now and pass the time a little faster. :)

Jennifer - posted on 08/09/2009

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My first big deployment came after 6 years of Navy life...and I was totally unprepared. I felt as though I'd been widowed. I called my parents from Hawaii and said I wanted to come home and they rationalized to me that the kids needed to stay in THEIR routines. SO I sucked it up and thought about things...I started walking with the kids (no strollers)...we'd walk to the park, we'd walk to the base theater, we'd walk to McDonalds and play at playland. This gave us exercise AND worked out my feelings too. THEN I started volunteering at Family Service Center along with the kids schools. The Spouses Group was a HUGE help too. GOOD LUCK...you'll make it but use the resources the military gives us!

Shanon - posted on 08/08/2009

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With 3 deployments behind me I can say you need to make sure you have you time. I had our 1st baby while he was gone to Iraq and he was gone untill Braedens 1 birthday. And its not hard. Get in with other mom's and trade off childcare. That way you can just sleep or go get a pedi:)

Jennifer - posted on 08/08/2009

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HI... I know the feeling. This is my 3 deployment... and 6th sepration.. counting boot camp and schools. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I work full time and it can get crazy. I tell people that I dont take it one day at a time... its more like one hour at a time. Look into programs around your area... I know that the Marine has a program that lets spouse with deployed marines have I think its 20 hours of free daycare a month. Reach out to groups like LINKS or your reverse of. Talk to the chaplin about getting a mentor... someone that is or has gone thru this where you are. My kids have day pillows with pictures of them and daddy. They help pack the care boxes we send over and there are some children playgroups for children of deployed military member. Make sure you are taking time out for you... even if its letting the dishes soak in the sink and the wash sit when the kids go to sleep to read a book or watch tv or a movie. Make this time specail for you and your kids. My husband was gone for Easter.. instead of the big dinner and everything, we had a pinic in the park... For birthday... make them specail for you and your kids... my husband only been home for their births and my oldest 2 and 4th birthday... none of my youngest. Remember that you are never alone in this.... There are thousand of other families going thru or been thru this before. And remember its ok to cry yell and scream... its ok to ask for help and take it one day at a time... and if you have to one hour at a time. if you need to talk let me know... I am here for you! Good luck and god bless.

Deidre - posted on 08/08/2009

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*hugs* It is hard. My daughter was born while my husband was on a deployment. I had LOTS of help and support which helped tremendously. Definitely not the same as having him here but better than having no one around. Get involved with activities, preferably with the other spouses in his command so that you are able to discuss exactly the same thing with other people going through the same thing. I don't suggest that being the only socializing (as gossip can run rampant) but it's always nice to be around others going through exactly the same thing.



My daughter is 14mo and we'll be dealing with our 2nd deployment shortly before she turns 2, for 8mo. I'm not quite sure how we'll deal but I know I am going to have to stay involved with the people around me to keep depression at bay, otherwise I'll totally wallow in it and that is in no way good for me or my daughter. I am the sole caretaker (except when daddy is home) of my daughter but she is watched by babysitters (friends) sometimes and she does totally fine.



Also, I want to mention 'daddy dolls'. I'm not sure if you've heard of them but google it and check it out. We got one of these while I was pregnant and my daughter now LOVES it. She has it in her crib to help go to sleep :) And she hugs it and says 'dada' a lot with a huge smile. That may comfort your children, being able to bring daddy wherever they go.



Janette - if you can afford it, daycare might not be a bad idea for your son. I wouldn't say for structure, but it would help with that. Being around the same group of people at the same time every day (I'm sure he has structure at home, aside from daddy coming and going, which is why I wouldnt say it's for structure) but also, it would help with socialization. Being around other kids his age and being able to interact and socialize. Also being able to learn to do things w/o mom around and become more independent, and know you'll return. Just a thought, don't break the bank though for this, there are other ways to have socializing with your kids. Also, at least here, I do everything at home, even if dad is home. He helps me with the bedtime routine when he's here, but I am still there for bedtime routine, so it isn't a ginormous change when he leaves. Dinner, I do it, we just add daddy when he's home. Same with everything else. He'll stay with her after she goes to bed at night if I want a break and want to go out with friends (we have a moms night out once a month) and he can put her back to sleep if she wakes up. Maybe try doing that? It can be exhausting at times but for all the major steps in the day (wake up, nap time, lunch, dinner, breakfast, etc) try to be available so that when dad goes and isn't there for these things for a time you still are, so it doesn't completely change. Maybe that will help? Again, my daughter is younger so I'm sure I will run into the same difficulties soon enough.

Janette - posted on 08/07/2009

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Thank you. Its nice to know that you work too! My husband just left for a short trip, one of many this year and my 3 year old is really having a tough time. After seeing a picture of Daddy, he screamed Daddy" almost all day. I had to put all the pictures away, turn off the computer to calm him. He is peeing everywhere this week. screaming. I have been told by non military that because we have two children, 3 and 23 months that I should send my son to daycare and give him the "structure" he needs. He needs to know that he can count on a person that won't "change up" his schedule. What??!! We have a part time nanny and keeping him home should be the best "structure" he can get! I try to give the kids all of me, when I am home. Work 9 hours then come home bake cookies, draw daddy a picture. I am venting sorry. But like I said its good to know that you are working and I hope that you get support for that.

Janette - posted on 08/07/2009

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The best you can do, is keep a routine. Its hard. I work and then come home and "work" with a 3 year old and 23 month old. My son is acting out, Daddy just left this week. He is peeing everywhere. My sweet daughter is biting! Uggg! I know this is not about me, but I do understand your pain. Everyone (non military) said that my son is having structure problems and I should put him in daycare! What??!! He just is getting used to the fact that Daddy is "Army trip" and then put him in a strange place all day! that is crazy to me. People who are not in the military can not understand, that "structure" is not always the perfect thing and our structure is there but different. We will work through this. I know you will work through this. Hug your son, tell him Daddy loves him, misses him and its ok to be sad, its ok to be angry, but its not ok to act out these things.

Well, sorry to go on and on..I just don't have any one that understands and they all think I should stop working to give my son and daughter "structure" . At least give them one parent to count on...oh boy!

Good luck to you and you can contact me any time.

Tamara - posted on 08/07/2009

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Remember to keep focused on what is important. Your health, the health of your child/children, and to stay as positive as you can about the events around you. Get support when you need it. Put the big stuff first, and let the littler things fall into the spaces in-between. In the end, a clean house is not as important as a healthy family - take care of the people first. Sometimes it can be a real grind, but try not to let it stay that way - take time to relax and have fun, this is important too. As a military wife and mother of 12 years, these are the things I have learned to get me through. I wish you all the best.

Piri - posted on 08/07/2009

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I would just like to say big ups to all you moms that have military spouses, its not easy but one day at a time, I came from that back ground and seeing my mum take care of 4 girls on her own when dad was deployed did have its moments but she was really great just like all of you.
I am going through the same thing and we all cope in our own ways and what keeps me going is my son, seeing him grown and having as much time with him makes me motivated each day

Anne - posted on 08/07/2009

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You just have to take it one day at a time and remember to take time for yourself too. I know that can be hard, but look into what is offered at your base. I know where I am you can sign up your kids for a "give parents a break" night where they take the kids for 2 hours so you can do your own thing, and it's free. I had to get a form from the family readiness center but that's it. Also, just remember that there are days when you won't get everything done that you want but that's okay.

Kelly - posted on 08/06/2009

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I am going through our first deployment as well. And we are stationed over-seas, which I think makes it even harder, no family within a 1000 miles :-P I think the best thing to do is to know that some nights you may just go to bed with a messy house. Thats been my biggest thing. I have a hard time not having a tidy house but there's just not enough time in the day. We have a 17 month old daughter and she is very active! We have been staying busy with daily outings, going to the mommy gym on base, and just keeping our dairy full! I am also training for a half marathon which I think has kept me focus during the this time apart. I think all my exercising has really helping me keep positive! Stay strong you can do it!

Louise - posted on 08/06/2009

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hiya, i'm a mummy of a 2year old and a 4 month old and my fella was deployed just over a week ago. to be totally honest i've been a bit of a mess over the past week, i've not slept or been able to eat. but i'm still managing to crack on with what needs doing. the way i see it is that now daddy is away i have to be both mummy and daddy. i know my fella would want me to be strong, so thats what i'm going to do. i'm taking each and everyday as it comes, some are easier than others (depending on what mood my 2 year old is in. lol) but if you need help from someone don't be afraid to ask. it's not easy knowing the man you love is out there risking his life, but be proud of him and what he's doing. if you can get some time for yourself then take it. but remember your not on your own and ppl are here to listen if u need to talk. take care.

[deleted account]

i don't know what it is we have done 5 but this one is so hard i guess its because we have a 2 year old.i just stay busy with no down time.

[deleted account]

One day at a time. It was very tough for me when my husband deployed the first year of our marriage. With working full time and dropping our daughter off to preschool it was hard. I had rotating hours at work then, so routines would change daily. I would break down 80% of the time with all the stress in & out of the house. As much as we have to do being moms already, when dad's gone...we become dad too. My husband checked in as much as possible and honestly that was a major part that got me through. If your a planner like me, stop. Roll with whatever life throws at you, one day at a time. With all the responsibilities we have to juggle, try to make time for yourself too.

[deleted account]

One day at a time. It was very tough for me when my husband deployed the first year of our marriage. With working full time and dropping our daughter off to preschool it was hard. I had rotating hours at work then, so routines would change daily. I would break down 80% of the time with all the stress in & out of the house. As much as we have to do being moms already, when dad's gone...we become dad too. My husband checked in as much as possible and honestly that was a major part that got me through. If your a planner like me, stop. Roll with whatever life throws at you, one day at a time. With all the responsibilities we have to juggle, try to make time for yourself too.

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