How should i deal with my spouse being deployed...ill have no ones help

Cassandra - posted on 03/11/2010 ( 29 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend is being deployed...ill miss him like crazy because he is the only one that helps me with mila...she is so in love with him and so am i...and id hate for her to forget him =(

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Courtney - posted on 03/22/2010

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I don't know if anyone's mentioned it but I was told when my husband was deployed to make flash cards by laminating pics of him and drew and him together and to let my son play with them. I also have videos and pics out and whenever he called I let him talk to our son and so far it's helped a lot.

Sandra - posted on 03/21/2010

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Hi Cassandra. My husband entered the military when we were dating. We've had such a fast paced marriage I sometimes have to pause and take a break to keep it from going by so fast. 3 weeks after our wedding day we found out we were pregnant. A week after she was born, we found out he was being deployed for 18 months. She was 3 months old when he left. He was in the Reserves at the time and got pulled from his unit to deploy with another one. They made him reclass which tacked 6 months onto the deployment (for a 4 week class) The 5 months between reclass and deployment he was on base close to home so my daughter and I visited as much as possible and he was able to get a few 3 day passes to come home. It really helped us get used to him being gone. During that first 6 months, we found out we were pregnant with our second child. Luckily he made it to the hospital from Iraq just a few hours before she was born. about 8 months after he got back we decided to have our third child. You can imagine my shock when I found out he was being scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan two weeks before my due date. My little angel showed up for Daddy 3 weeks early, 3 days before he was scheduled to deploy. Luckily, someone made a clerical error on his AGR orders and placed him in the wrong unit, a mistake that can't be fixed but once a year. So he has gotten to be here for the first year of her life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all have a story. My daughters have come to accept that Daddy leaves for weeks at a time. One day, he'll deploy again and they accept what their father does. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but at 2 years old, my husband was able to explain to our girls that he "fights bad guys" and he has to leave sometimes so we can all be safe. They get it. For 18 months my daughter called the telephone "dada" because I always used to tell her to say hi to dada. Keep pictures and point him out, video chat is amazing, and I recommend www.hugahero.com (I'm not affiliated with the site, I'm not advertising, lol, I just love the concept). You can send them a picture of him and they will make a doll for your daughter that looks just like him so he can "protect her" when she sleeps.
While he's getting ready to deploy the unit will probably have some sort of family day. Don't be shy, find someone within his unit you can get along with or maybe someone with a child around the same age. That will help both you and the kids by having someone close. Schedule times to get together and talk and let the kids play and once you get to know her, maybe you can exchange babysitting favors so you can have some "Mommy" time. Best of luck to you, and let us know how you're doing from time to time =0)

Jennie - posted on 03/21/2010

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OK. I am a leader of FRG(Family Readiness Group for ARMY), your bfs unit should have a spousal support group for deployments, to help you know what is going on with him while away and keep in contact. Have him talk to his chain of command and see who to talk to. This year they made it mandatory for every unit to have a FRG. They also make these great dolls that can be personalized for your little one to carry around so Daddy is with her every step of the way! As long as you stay active and put up pictures and talk to her about him there will be no problems. I know, I have a 2 year old and we went through it with Daddy! Good luck and even these lovely mil wives online I bet will help you if you need support!

Jamie - posted on 03/20/2010

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you should get a web cam let her see him as often as possible let her hear him on the phone as long as you keep him in her life she wont forget ..take care

Jamie - posted on 03/20/2010

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get web cam so he can see her she can see him every night when he calls let her hear him pics she wont forget if you keep him in her life .. take care

Kristy - posted on 03/20/2010

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hey Cassandra,

my husband is still deployed it i do know, how you feel. it ist hard to give somebody advise because everybody is different but i always made sure when my husband called that my daughter got the talk to him a little. Even if they do not understand but they hear daddys voice and that helped my daughter alot. Ask friends or familymembers if they can watch your daughter sometimes so you get some rest too! That is nothing bad to do.

Christine - posted on 03/20/2010

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Aw I know how a deployment can be. My husband was gone so I laminated some 4x6 pictures (back-to-back) of him and also of him w/ Jayson, our son, so that Jayson could see the pictures often w/o me worrying about the pictures getting ruined. I put up pictures on the walls of all of us together. I talked about my husband often, and every night before we slept, we'd listen to a voice recording he sent us right before he got sent to Afghanistan. We were lucky to get to see him on webcam a few times, and just by keeping him in our daily lives helped our son remember him and helped me get through the deployment.

April - posted on 03/16/2010

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My husband just got back from his 4th deployement. There are tons of things to do to keep him in your daily lives as you do stuff. One thing is this doll. It is called daddy doll. It is a military dressed doll that you put a picture of your deployed soldiers face in it and the kids carry it around like it is daddy, and they talk to it too. It was a huge help with the younger age group. Try not to change any routines you have with your child. Keep doing the same stuff, and don't let your self get into a depression. If he is at a place he has internet and a computer of his own, invest in the Magic Jack. It is wonderful. We would not have made it without it. He was able to call every night almost. As long as his internet was working. I hope this helps out some.

Evelyn - posted on 03/15/2010

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My boyfriends deployed too. Right now hes stationed in Iraq hes been there for 7 months. I have a daughter who's two who looks at him like that her daddy. And we just had a son together in December, luckily he was able to make it to the birth. I know how hard it is, because from the time he leaves to the time he gets back your like a single parent. What helps is everyday I show my daughter pictures of him, and she get soo excited to see her "daddy". Also we skype as often as we can It helps a lot, for all of us.

Morgan - posted on 03/15/2010

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my husband recently ended his tour in afghanistan...the whole time he was deployed we tried our best to keep in contact everyday...thought those circumstances are not guaranteed, all i can say is whenever you can talk to him on speaker phone so mila can hear his voice, or if possible talk on webcam...those are the 2 methods i used to allow our 6 month old to have some kind of contact with him.

Jennifer - posted on 03/15/2010

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My advice is stay busy. Your daughter won't forget him. Skype is a wonderful thing! Try sending him boxes...have her color pictures so she feels helpful. He'll love it! There are also some kid stories on Amazon.com that you can read her to help with the deployment. Most of all...just take things a day at a time.

Julie - posted on 03/14/2010

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All you can do is talk to him via internet webcam as much as possible with Mila and show pictures of him so she wont forget him!! I havent experienced a deployment with my fiance yet, even tho he has gone over once before we got together. but i have started reading up so when the next one comes up, im more prepared. even tho ur never ready nor actually prepared, it always helps to know what you can do to better ur time apart. You have to stay strong for the both of you, and Mila especially!

Paige - posted on 03/14/2010

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I was going to mention daddydoll as well, there is also a company that makes life size posters for the rooms... I think its a GREAT idea.

Carla - posted on 03/14/2010

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Cassandra,
With the Lord's help all things are possible. My husband just came back from Iraq August of 2009. I was aprehensive the entire time he was there but I knew God would take care of him. It helps to have a good support system such as family or close friends. But in the end what helped me was knowing what he was over there for and being as supportive I as I could be to him. God bless you!

Marissa - posted on 03/13/2010

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My husband left when our daughter was only 7 weeks old. Now she is 5 months and we talk about Daddy every day. We say good morning to his pictures, watch the video he made us the day before he left, and I just got her a Daddy Doll (hugahero.com) which is probably the best thing I've bought since he left. Her eyes lit up the moment she first saw it and she smiled, which reassured me that even though she was so young when he left, she DOES still recognize him. Now I make sure the doll is around whenever we are playing, and I always help her give it hugs and lots of love. I don't really have any family or friends nearby to help me out, and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, especially lately, dealing with teething and a baby who NEVER gives me a break... but I just keep reminding myself that one day it will be over and things will get easier.

Stephanie - posted on 03/13/2010

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First thing I would have him do before he leaves is have him read and record the stories. Depending on Mila's age she could even sit in his lap for the stories. My kids watched there Daddy over and over when he was deployed this way. We also bought daddy dolls that they had to take everywhere. He has been back awhile now but they always want there Daddy dolls.

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Christina

Christina - posted on 03/11/2010

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i know how you feel my husband left for his deployment last sept. an we have two little boys. our youngest was 10 months and our oldest was 2. its hard at first but it gets easier. make sure you make time for urself and webcam much as possiable it makes a huge differance. also make sure you have plenty of pics of him out so she can always see him. good luck

Akami - posted on 03/11/2010

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Well my husband did a 15month deployment and the only thing that helped me was that I kept my self busy the whole 15months. Working and making sure me and the Kids planned one big event a month. That way you guys are looking at the one thing and not the date when hubby gets home,or R&R. I hope this help you. what ever you do just be strong and support your hubby.

Andrea - posted on 03/11/2010

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First of all it will be hard at first! I feel the same way. I have been married 14 years and have been very dependant on my husband. He's been gone for 3 months and those first 3 months were SO hard for me. Hard, confusing, thinking family will be there to help and they aren't. I have since learned to be more independant. It will happen whether you like it or not LOL It's all you and you will do a great job! You have to get over that hard hump and things will get easier! Keep your mind busy. I read alot of books and are busy with my kids! Just keep your little one involved in stuff, time will go by quick!

[deleted account]

my daughter was only 3 months old when my fiance went to AIT so she wasnt really old enough to understand who daddy was but i do have a 5 yr old son who he is a step father to and when he was 3 my fiance deployed to kuwait for a year...my lil man didnt understand why he didnt get to see his "greggy" (my fiances name is greg) but i had lots of pic of him and thankfully he got to call and talk to us all the time and he had internet access, so my advice is if ur boyfriend gets those ammenties get a web cam and have her see him as much as he is able to have access and when u talk to him on the phone put him on speaker phone so she can hear daddy talk and keep a picture in hand while talking to him so she can eventually associate daddys pic with his voice, also like another mommy said, try to keep updated pic of him in his uniform for her so that she wont be alarmed when she sees a "stranger" so to speak hold her and play w her when he is home. i remember when my fiance came home from kuwait, my son knew who he was and had talked to him alot and seen pics, but he asked me who the "brown" guy was lol cuz he had gotten so dark from the summer sun over there that my son knew the voice but didnt understand at 3 why he wasnt as "white" as when he left. all we could do was laugh and love him and he got past it and wasnt scared...hope this helps some.

Jamie - posted on 03/11/2010

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it's hard, my husband has been deployed since the beginning of January, and our daughter is 7 months old now. He will be home around her first birthday, but it's hard, and scares me that she won't know him, andmight be scared of him when he is home. I show her pictures, and I have some videos of him we watch before we go to bed. Everytime he calls I put the phone on speaker so she can hear his voice. Also, as hard as it is to leave the baby, make time to do something for yourself! I got so worn out just being with the baby 24/7. I am living with my parents right now, so they help hear and there, but it is still hard, I am basically a single mom for the time being. I put her in daycare a few days a week and enrolled in school. I am doing a certificate program and will graduate shortly afte he comes home. It honestly helps A LOT! It gives me something to do, and with school and a baby to take care of, it keeps me super busy, sometimes a little too busy but it makes the time go by faster. I hope this helps a little, and if you ever need someone to talk to, of just a friend I am here :)

Danielle - posted on 03/11/2010

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Make sure you have pictures for him and get him to tape his voice (whether reading a kids book). My husband is over there now and I have 11 month old son that I have been raising by myself. He knows my husband's voice and what he looks like and he hasnt physically seen him for over six months!!

Alexandria - posted on 03/11/2010

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Don't worry mama, I was very scared about that as well with my husband leaving and our daughter only being seven months old. It was so hard saying goodbye to him, but I realized that Isabella loves to look at pictures of him and when he can call she loves to hear his voice on the phone. I don't think that your daughter will forget him because he was there for her so much before he left just like my husband was for Izzy. He's away for six months but she is handling it much better than I am, I am a nervous wreck. Hope this will help you out hon. Contact me anytime:)

Shannon - posted on 03/11/2010

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Take lots of pictures, and if you can...have him make a video of himself reading to, or playing with, Mila. That way you can watch it and keep him fresh in the mind while he is gone. Little things always count so much when your loved one is away for long periods of time. Good luck to you...

Vette - posted on 03/11/2010

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hi i'm military myself. keep pictures of him out for her to see. refer to him often and point at the picture. let her know how much he loves her. try to get an updated picture of him in uniform so she isn't alarmed by his presence upon his return. his face and the uniform will stay in her mind. remeber to build that pride for what he is doing for the country and last but not least. keep busy. that makes to time really move. get involved in something you enjoy and spend lots of time with friends and family. above all else don't watch the news. it only makes you paranoid. if you need to know something about your person, the military will inform you. so enjoy your life and don't worry about what ifs.

Danielle - posted on 03/11/2010

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My bf has been gone for 5 months he is my only help with my baby girl and on top of her to look after we have a backyard farm that i have to look after too with no help. my advice though i don't know how helpful it will be is to take it one day at a time only think of the tasks at hand if you think about everything you will have to do at once it becomes very overwhelming. i find that between all the work i have to do the days just seem to fly by. everyday i look at my little girl and know he will be home soon.

Amber - posted on 03/11/2010

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Cassandra, I know how you feel. My husband is just beginning his basic training and he will be leaving to San Diego for 3 months. Our daughter is only 2 months old. She will be without her daddy for 3 months of her life

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