husband coming home from deployment next week...need advice

Karie - posted on 09/22/2012

Be easy on each other. It takes time to fit back into your roles as a couple. Some roles may even change from before the deployment. The biggest thing is talk with one another. Be honest, but speak gently especially regarding frustrations. Be extra careful to talk to your husband in a respectful way, especially when you're frustrated about something he has done. You may want to read or listen to "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs. Your husband has been in a military environment and will not be accustomed to the nuances of being around you right away.



It can be a calm and pleasant transition. Please learn from my mistakes; I wasn't patient and kind when my husband came back from his first deployment. Within two weeks, we were frustrated with one another and I was honestly thinking things were better when he was gone. I'm happy to say we worked through it, and our second deployment went much better. I sure wish I knew then what I know now though....



God bless!

Karie

Janey - posted on 09/14/2012

Also, don't pressure you boy to physically be affectionate with dad if he is shy. Let him warm up to daddy. Maybe get a toy for dad to give him as a gift and to play with together. Also have dad read books to boy so they have together time without awkwardness.

Janey - posted on 09/14/2012

Definitely have a plan for how to transition responsibilities about the house, finances, parenting. Have an agreement in advance so you don't step on each other's toes, but be flexible if it seems you need to adjust.

Kathie - posted on 09/12/2012

This is my first deployment with my BF...he is due home in about 3-4 weeks i am both nervous and excited! We only dated two months before he left in march...we have been communicating everday and that is a blessing...any help on how to handle his return? I have made his welcome home banners and gotten some of the sexy things...he doesnt like all the emotional stuff so how do i keep from crying because i am happy he is home?

Denise - posted on 08/16/2009

Our son will be home in the middle of September. His 1st deployment too! So... I will be turning to you for advice! :-)

Melinda - posted on 08/16/2009

When my husband came home last year, the best thing I did was make sure we had a meeting spot. So many people were looking for their Soldier, it was a mad house. Pick a spot and let him know. There was a big potted tree on the right side of the terminal they came in at, that's where I stood, it drove me INSANE to wait for him to come to me, I wanted to run and hunt just as everyone else was doing, but my Soldier found me faster than I could find him. Your little one may be overwhelmed by the running, screaming, crying, and chaos so to keep him off to the side to stand there and wait for his daddy may be a bit less stressful for him too. As soon as the Commander said dismissed, he was in my arms in moments. It is really really hard to know what to expect, everyone is different and every reunion is different. Go with the flow and don't put too much pressure on yourselves. It will all fall into place. Also, that last week is pure H377 so what I did was prepared meals for his first week home and froze them. I didn't want to spend a second longer in the kitchen than I had to when he was home. He got all his favorite meals and I got time with him. Good luck and have a wonderful reunion!

Claudine - posted on 08/16/2009

Erin,

We are AD Marine Corps just passed 22 years with a 16 and almost 13 year old. When the kids were younger my husband did many deployments for different time periods via different methods. Has your husbands unit done a reunion brief for the spouses? That can be helpful with some information. The reality though of reunion is that it is not easy. Depending on where he has been and what he has experienced will shape how he is upon his return. My best advice is to not overwhelm him. Continue your routine with your son and allow your husband to join in as he is trying to adjust to coming home. Maintain your responsibilities of a 'single parent' until he is ready to participate. Again depending upon where he has been and what he has been exposed to will shape his reactions to everyday life with little ones around. He may be sensitive to sounds, crying, crowds, his sleep pattern may be different than yours for a while. He will need his space to sort stuff out, do not plan a big vacation upon his return or a house full of people to welcome him. Most prefer it to be low key, at least initially. Your son may be a bit confused too having to all of a sudden share you, so expect some attitude and or acting out, but staying with the routine will help this. His mood will also depend on if the unit is expecting him to report to work right away or if he'll be given some leave. Good Luck!!

Carolyn - posted on 08/14/2009

I think just seeing the family will be great for him. i remember when my husband came home our daughter was a newborn when he left barely 2months ad my son was 23 months he remember his daddy. she sisnt know who he was she was 1 and like who is this. But don't push him to do alot. he manly will want to be at home relaxing, chilling with his family

Jennifer - posted on 08/14/2009

Don't have real high expectations. He will probably be tired, and being home is such a big adjustment. Be patient and give him time to readjust. Also, try and give Daddy and son some alone time. You guys need to get to know each other again, and remember that everyone has changes alot while he was gone. Good Luck!

Elizabeth - posted on 08/14/2009

My daughter was 6 months when he left and 1 1/2years when he came home and she was a different little girl. He was hard for him to re-adjust. For a while, it was like he was still kinda of not there, because he didn't know how things went in the house. I suggested that they have something special to do together. He decided that watching movies together was their thing. As she got older they started going to the theater. Now she almost 5 and they love their movie dates. I just suggest giving them time and both you and your son each find some special day or activity to do.

Sara - posted on 08/13/2009

How exciting!! My husband and I have been married for six years now and have gone through 3, year and year and half deployements...I'm not sure where you guys are stationed or how things will go for you guys, but this is how it works for us at Ft. Hood...They call us a couple of days before and let us know what time they'll be coming in and where we'll meet, usually in the gym...Then the night before we decorate our house and make signs for the next day...I also make shirts for all of us to wear, cafepress.com, you can make your own shirts, our shirts have my husband on the front saying "our hero" and on the back "Iraq looks better in ther review mirror"...So the day they get there, all of the families are in the gym, they usually have cookies and punch and they play music, every now and then they'll update us, like "the plane has landed" "they're on the bus on thier way here"...Very exciting!! Then they come in, a speech is made, a prayer is said then they're released to us...Your son will probably cry, not because he's happy to see his dad(not in a bad way, lol) but because it's very overwhelming and everyone is crying and hugging, just reasure him that you're crying because you're so happy...When you guys get home, just let your son and your husband warm up to eachother, we've had it go both ways, our daughters want nothing to do with him or they won't get off of him, every kid handles it different. It's going to be a huge adjustment for all three of you, you're used to your routine with it being only you and your son and your husband is used it to only worrying about himself, just take your time with everything don't rush and remember to always communicate, the good and the bad...Good luck!!! Again I'm so excited for you guys!!! A big thank you to you and your husband :)

Kristin - posted on 08/13/2009

I've been married to my Army guy for over 6 yrs now and we have a 3.5 yr old daughter. We've done 3 deployments totalling almost 3.5 yrs of our marriage. It is hard, but like everyone else has said let the two of them ease their way back into eachother's lives. The big one for us, is anything that is normal routine between you and your son, don't try and push dad into doing some of it, If your son wants it, he'll let you know. Find some other things that you and your son don't do together that your husband can do with him so it isn't anything he can compare to how you do or don't do it. It could be a ball game or with school starting again maybe taking him to practice or when that honey-do list gets handed to your hubby, make sure you have him include your son in "helping daddy." The more you can make sure they have their time and you have yours with him and be observant of your son's emotions and make sure your husband doesn't push it. Congrats, I hope your homecoming is as wonderful as all 3 of ours have been and a 4th to come. We're all here if you need more.

Denise - posted on 08/13/2009

It will be tough. He's go all that time and life keeps going back home. My husband has been back from deployment for almost 1 1/2 years and we are having issues with it now. There are many things to help you guys along and tons of support groups. The best thing is be glad he's home and take it one day at a time.

Heather - posted on 08/13/2009

My daughter was 2 months when he left and 17 when he returned. We talked about him and showed him pictures. He got in with lots of delays at 9:30 pm she was tired and would not let him hold her. He hugged her and kissed her without crying for me. Then next morning we all woke up and they were playing like crazy. As far as kidos let them make the moves.



As far as being different people it isnt will 'he' be the same. You both have changed. I was much more independent and he had plenty of adjustments. He was jumpy, had nightmires, little things...he also had a slight temper-which he had never had. Just be understanding and work at it.

Mystri - posted on 08/13/2009

My son was just getting ready to turn two when my husband left and he was almost three when my husband got back. My husband and I talked about taking things slow (between him and my son) because a child at a young age isn't going to understand why daddy was gone so long then comes home and starts trying to punish him right away. My husband just kinda edged his way back into my son's life slowly and payed close attention to the changes that had been made around the house and how different my son was because it had been a year since he saw him. I say with the children just have him take it slow and have an open mind. Everything will be fine:) Just concentrate on how lucky you are that he made it home!

Gloria - posted on 08/13/2009

Hi Erin, another thing that helps is the reunion/redeployment briefs and classes for the families. I used to think they were cheesy but they really hit the nail on the head. Make the signs and bake the goodies, even though he won't really pay much attention to it all when he sees you in the crowd. It helps my kids (and me) get into the dad groove. Good Luck, I am very excited for you!

Erin - posted on 08/12/2009

Thanks everyone...i have the sexy stuff....he knows about some and is thoroughly excited, but other things he doesnt know, so it better just be left a suprise....im scared...our son is excited but doesnt want to show it....he never wants to talk to daddy on the phone, etc....i know that is normal, but i dont know it will go with the reunion....hopefully well...this last year has had its ups and downs, and i am glad it is over...there has been lots of people help me through this deployment and i have been greatful, so mandy you can email if you want and i will help you out as much as possible. heartofgold0304@aol.com now another question is how different was is it from leave and the homecoming? was it the same or was it totally different? how did your man respond to both?

Jacki - posted on 08/12/2009

I've been married 23 years, 3 kids, lots of deployments and countless ups and downs. I remember our first deployment like it was last year {I'm old, so 'yesterday' doesn't work for me :) }, just like I remember last years deployment like it was - well, last year. LOL The biggest lessons that I've learned from all of them... have patience, it will take time to get to know each other again. And date - as a family and as a couple. Don't feel guilty about hiring a babysitter, remember (and remind him) that in order for the family to be happy together, mom & dad NEED mom & dad time. All of you will have changed in some ways, take the time to get to know each other again. But, don't be afraid to let him know (politely) if there's a problem. He wants to be a part of it all, he just needs gentle guidance on how to do it now. :)

The sexy stuff helps too! ;)

Hope this helps.

Mandy - posted on 08/12/2009

I've gotten some advise from other people because my husband is gone and he will not be back until next July. Speaking to some friends they have advised me not to push them on each other,( your husband and son) that it will be best at their own time, they also said as much as I have been doing without him don't expect him to jump right back into the routine we had before, things will be different and everyone will nedd time to re-adjust to the "new" life. Like I said before its not much and it doesn't come from experiance its only advice from a friend but I hope it helps some. If you want to talk more or have some advice for me ( after you have the reunion) I would love to chat. Good luck Mandy

Heather - posted on 08/12/2009

When my hubby came home I went nuts. I got a sexy dress and my daughter a cute one. We made signs...I made one that my daughter finger painted all over (she was only 17 months). We brought flags. I made him a cake. Mind you...he wont care or even notice half of it! He will just be so excited to see you.



Our homecoming was in the gym on post. The guys came in...in formation. Chaplin prayed...few words said, then released ;) Find their duffles and go home...till the next day when re-intagration starts. That is for a week or so and should be half days.



CONGRATS!!! It is the best feeling!