Husband putting ad on craigslist while deployed

Kristen - posted on 06/12/2011 ( 34 moms have responded )

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The other day I was going through my husbands emails and I find where he was getting all these responses from Females about a craigslist ad. So i decided to get on Clist and see what it was about and it was under casual encounters asking women to "talk dirty, send him pics, and skype with him because he is bored." He has only been gone a couple of weeks :( I have talked and skyped him every time he is on. I even wake up in the middle of the night so we can talk and have fun. When i brought it up to him he tried to deny it, but finally admitted it. What should I do. I am so scared he is hiding more things from me :(

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I'm so sorry. My husband contacted his exgf while deployed bc he said he needed someone to talk to. It was behind my back too. Then I suspect he has done this before w another gf when he was gone for training, and he ordered a porn book on how to have phone sex that he hid from me too. Do you have any kids? I have 3. We are getting a divorce. Being bored is no reason to lie and cheat and whore around. Maybe you guys can work something out. It is horrible, i know. It has taken me years to decide this and this time it was my husbands idea to divorce me. For me, I didnt get a real sincere apology or any willingness from him to work things. Is your husband sorry, embarrassed, does he want to change, or just sorry he got caught? Would you want your dad to treat your mom that way? Would you want your daughter to marry someone who did that to her? I feel your pain.

Dawn - posted on 07/04/2011

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I think I would do a print screen of the ad and the email and tell him either he knocks it off, or you're sending this to his command! That is seriously inappropriate behavior and it could land him in serious trouble not only with the military but with you! HUGS!

Tah - posted on 06/14/2011

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Billie, I'm with marci and my husband hasn't cheated on me. I see this all the time though she may NOT like it he DOES NOT want to be with her. Your actions speak louder than words. If you are slapping me and saying you aren't gonna hit me at the Same time, guess what I'm beleiving.



Now kristin you won't like this, but it's the truth, he is an angry person and liar and he does not want to be with you no matter what he says.he has cheated and for him to tell you on mothers abuse is emotionally and mentally abusive. What will you be equating your mothers day too after this. Don't tell me you didn't think about it last month because Im sure you did. People DO what you allow them to do and you are allowing him to disrespect you. He figures, hey, she let me quit counseling after one visit with no real consequences, I can get away with whatever I want.



Number 1: if you aren't in school, or working, youmneed to do one of either so that you can save some money while he's away in case you need a cushion to land on because if it goes anymore south..which can't be much ,ore, you need something put away for you and the kids. When you start getting divorced etc men can turn into someone you never thought they could on your wedding day. They don't want to pay child support, or spousal and the military isn't making alot of them do it anymore, so your first priority is to you and the kids.



Now...daily phone calls stop. He can hear 2xs a week from you that the kids are fine. On other days if he calls put the baby on the phone and then that's a wrap. Skype..okay..put the kids on to see daddy and then when younger him say goodbye, end it. He gave up any right to see you whenever he wanted to and other liberties when he cheated..AGAIN...anything else can come by email, car repairs etc. If he emails you and it's not about the kids or business, don't respond, or respond with a cool, "will do"...



Now after a few weeks give him your demands and consequences. In an email, tell him of he agrees then say so via email and you may think about considering staying maybe....if he SAYS he wants t work it out, tell him what his word is worth.

Katie - posted on 09/25/2012

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if a marriage is give and take then why should she talk less. If he wants more sex and she wants more conversations then if she give him more sex then he should give her more communication. That would be whats fair and he did cheat on her in the past as well as what he is doing now. Deployment is just an excuse for cheating it doesnt make it ok. Wives have alot to worry about during husbands deployment as well and if she can wait so can he. Im all for sexting and skype sex during times apart, but if my husband pulled this crap i would leave him in a heart beat. He is either the type of person he can wait and be loyal or hes not. I would save the extra money you get during deployment up so you can afford to start a new life. Plan ahead so you can take care of the kids and yourself. See what options your base offers to further your education now and then use the money saved to leave when he gets home, the child support he will have to pay to care for yourself and the kids, and the education you can get to get a decent job to be able to be independent and not have to live with people you dont want to.

Serinitee - posted on 07/15/2011

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If you want to beat the odds, don't try so hard. Don't focus on the negative. Focus on the positive. Your husband is deployed and therefore being an excellent provider and citizen. You be a strong woman and let him know just what he has in you. Let him know how capable you are of taking care of business while he is away. Look nice when you Skype and make sure the background looks nice as well. Be beautiful, but don't be his little plaything if you are not comfortable with it, lay down the law, and don't let any threats of seeking his fun elsewhere sway you. If your soldier is deployed, you shouldn't concern him with every single thing that is going on in your life, only bring up the major issues, everything else, you can tell him about after you deal with it. Example:
Hon, your educational loans weren't listed as deferred, they were listed as in forbearance. I called the company, chewed them out and they took care of it. Love you!

Bam! No worries, strong and capable, but I still love and miss you! Good luck.

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34 Comments

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Kyrie - posted on 03/11/2014

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80% of married people in a study admitted that they would cheat if they knew there would be no repercussions. 60% of married men and 40% of married women admit to having already cheated. Most married couples I've spoken to say that the only reason they don't sleep around is because they don't want their spouse to do it. They want the "cookie, but they don't eat it because they don't want anyone else to have one..." Humans are not monogamous. I don't think it's fair to expect people to be. My marriage is open, and we have rules. My husband never has to fear talking to me about anything and has no need to ever lie to me. Funnily enough, he's never felt the need to cheat. I think part of the appeal is the taboo. We both know that our marriage is an amazingly strong one. Rules include; Don't knock her up (I'd love the baby, but I doubt we'd be allowed to raise it and that would end in heartache for everyone), don't bring any crazy girls home, don't fall in love (this one has since been scratched on a mutual say so), don't badmouth your wife in any way to another woman, don't lie to a girl to get laid (this includes hiding your marriage), and don't catch any STD's. I think that covers it. People need to loosen up. If you can't trust a man, be open and honest with each other (including allowing him to be without judgement or punishment), and love him without feeling the need to make him act like someone he does not want to be then you're in the wrong relationship. Any issues in a marriage should be discussed with a fair compromised reached. This does not involve sweeping things under the rug or telling your spouse it's your way or the highway. Remember this folks. Compromise does not mean that you get what you want. You might both end pu a little happy and a little unhappy over a decision. Learn to accept the outcome and move on if you want a happy healthy marriage.

Helena - posted on 08/18/2013

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Hi Ladies. There is software that You download on your computer. If you have your own computer that is even better. (He might see it in downloads when he is home) First website ez-csi.com/utimate-investigation.htm and another stealth genie. You will see text messages also be able to hear phone conversations online. You will be okay If you pay the phone bill. and know what is going on behind your back. Never tell him about his text messages. ok. Also this private investigator agency goes over there and gets you pictures etc you will need for a divorce and to show his command and the Jag office. Never tell him what you are doing.

I will be praying for you

Kristen - posted on 07/11/2011

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it has been a few weeks as you all know since i have posted this and I have talked to my husband about everything! he says he wants to do counseling and he wants to commit to it! he has not been on Craigslist since then! He and I have been fighting though ever since over skype about everything! i want him to be more caring and be more into everything that happens here as well as over there! he just doesnt seem to fully be there when i talk to him! all he wants is " skype fun " but thats not fully what i am into!I love my husband so much but am sooooooooo much but i want things to be better between us! i understand we are young! we got married the day after my 18th bday and we have been married two years now! I want to beat the odds

Kasey - posted on 07/10/2011

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Hi new here, just wanted to say me and my husband went through the same thing. At the begining of our marriage he pulled all that same crap, dating profiles, cheating, he even hid girls numbers on his speed dial (like i wouldn't look there) he blamed that on our 1 yr old, who was playing with phone. Needless to say we seperated and i started seeing other people and gave him a taste of his own medicine. We reconciled and things couldn't be better 5 yrs later, I still remind him from time to time when i see him looking to long at a pretty girl 'that if its good enough for him to do then it's good enough for me to do.

Dawn - posted on 07/08/2011

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You can also use this time to make a list of your "absolute's". If you don't want to divorce, decide what it will take for you to stay.... ie... Counseling is an absolute must, no walking out or quitting.... complete transparency all passwords etc. IF you want to stay.... you have to draw your lines in the sand for your own sanity. It's going to be increasingly difficult to stay with a man who doesn't admit his faults and work to fix the root of the problem. If he demonstrates genuine remorse and is willing to admit he has a problem and seek help, MAYBE you can work this out.

Dawn - posted on 07/08/2011

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Kristen.... my Mama Bear Radar is going off and screaming for you to RUN not walk! Cheating once can be a mistake, twice is a coincidence and more than that is a pattern.... Oh, and I don't believe in coincidence! He has CLEARLY demonstrated a pattern of behavior here. I would gather all the proof of his shennanigans you can and make your move. You can't bring any court action against him while he is deployed, but you can sure as hell use that time to gather information, store it and consult with an attorney. HUGS! Oh, and being a whole, healthy single parent is far better for your children then allowing them to grow up with an angry father and unhappy suspicious mother!!!

Billie - posted on 07/08/2011

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I also don't agree with staying with him just for the kids. Like previously posted you will just be teaching your kids that it's okay to be treated that way and as long as you're unhappy they will be too. My mom suffered with my dad for 25yrs before she divorced him. I was 11yrs old at the time because they had been having problems for so long, that my dad thought my birth would be the tie-in.

But to be frank, I really don't know how you can change someone like that. People are who they are. They can pretend to be someone else, but they'll always be themselves.

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Its just going to continue. Your kids have already been screwed over by him when he screwed u over. Maybe they wont remember if u get it done while they are just babies.

LisaJoy - posted on 06/23/2011

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my parents got divorced after 27 years... she was not happy for most of my life, dont just stay with him for the kids... stay with him cause u love him and KNOW he wont do it again. my mom was truly happy after they divorced but suffered for a long time before she realized it

LisaJoy - posted on 06/23/2011

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yeah I agree... Don't stay with him JUST for the childresn. if he will work it out with u and is truly sorry and you guys WANT to be together, if you can forgive him then stay with him. but I cant help but think if he didnt get caught it could have gone a lot further than just pictures.

Tah - posted on 06/23/2011

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whats worse than that is to have your children think that what daddd is doing is okay..then your daughter grows up and calls you with the same problem...im not saying divorce..im saying don't be a doormat, you deserve someone who loves you and trust me, someone who truly loves and respects you won't do this. he isn't sorry and if you would not have found it he would still be doing it..and who is to say he isn't..

Kristen - posted on 06/23/2011

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I agree it is cheating as well! But i really want it to work not just for me, but for our 2 kids! A 2 yr old and a 6 month old! I grew up with divorced parents and always said i would not do that to my kids :(

LisaJoy - posted on 06/23/2011

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OMG I am so sorry. but hunny that is CHEATING. it is the same this as if he actually slep with the ladies. All I can say is if that ever happened to me I would treat it like infidelity. (divorce) but u may be stronger than me if u stay with him.

Tah - posted on 06/21/2011

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Who said you leave....he isn't there...you stay...he can go, or stay and be miserable while you work on you. This is a good time to put some money away and look for work if you aren't or take a course...cna is 6 weeks...phlebotomy the same..just something to help you get some independence and work on you. He is obviously just working on him...

Kristen - posted on 06/21/2011

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the only place i could probably truely stay and not feel like im intruding is @ my brothers house which is where i am at now

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I also just dont want what happened to you to happen to me. I got used to being lied to and disrespected. It didnt hurt after a while because it was normal and I was numbed down. That was bad for me and my kids. I am their role model and kids need to see their mother loving herself enough to expect respect and go away if she is disrespected. I am in my late 30s and i am just barely getting out of this bad marriage. It is hard for me to imagine being with a kind respectful man as normal and possible. I dont want that for you.

[deleted account]

Thats so sad. I wish you had better family support. I know i left my husband once and stayed w my parents and it was worse than living w my husband. So i went back. What about a good girlfriend?

Kristen - posted on 06/21/2011

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I refuse to move in with my parents. My dad and his GF Fight 24/7 and my mom lives in a 1 bedroom house. not what my kids need

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Kristen, i am sooooo sorry to say this but he sounds like he is not sincerely sorry. You have caught him cheating several times. If you stay with him, accept that he will continue lying and cheating. He obviously does not respect his vows or you. I know it is an ugly thing to hear and accept. I know you have kids. Did you tell your parents? Maybe you could move in w them?

Tah - posted on 06/20/2011

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My post still stands..?.like my husband says, you are only sorry you got caught. If he thinks all he has to do is feed you a line and it will be okay he will...my previous post may have seemed lighthearted, but I am so serious...you can't let him think it's okay or he will continue..you need to put the fear in him..if he wants to be sorry..show him what it really is...

Kristen - posted on 06/20/2011

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Well I was going through his emails again and i saw where he put up a profile on a dating website. he did that a month before he deployed. When i asked him why he told me that it was because he was mad at me! i do not believe that gives him a right to do that. Today he contacted me telling me how sorry he was for everything and that what made him so sorry was an anniversary card i sent him. I keep wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt. but i know i am so neive for that

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At Billie, I am biased and I don't want to tell anyone what to do, just sharing my experiences. Everyone always suggests counseling. Men who want to go to counseling, and don't cancel their appointments, maybe say they are sex addicts and need help, whatever, MAYBE are trying to change. However, the reason I put up with so much for so long is first, I took my covenant of marriage very seriously, especially after kids, and I was willing to exhaust all possible efforts to save the marriage before giving up. I didn't mean to imply that if a wife catches her husband cheating, she should immediately give up and divorce him. However, people put too much stock in counseling, in my opinion. Whatever happened to the golden rule? Treat others the way you want to be treated? And not lying? Her husband is lying and cheating. I only think counseling helps if both people want to change. Does her husband seriously need to be told that his craigslist ad was wrong and hurt her? He already knows but did it anyway. Now my best friend had a cheating husband who was cheating on the internet as well as with a coworker. When she found out, she said, you can have your trashy women or me, but not both. He chose her, gave up all the crap and the other woman, and they are actually happy now, but it took them years to work things out. I am just saying some men do as much as they can get away with, and if the wife says no more or I am out, then some do stop. So there is always hope.

Tah - posted on 06/14/2011

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Next..put an add on craigslist putting your no good, lying, cheating husband on sale for a dollar obo. Then forward it to him with responses.



Next, you take yourself to counseling...and stick by your guns. If you do what you've always done you will get the same results..



My iPad is acting up so I had to do two post..lol

Billie - posted on 06/14/2011

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Marci-Sorry but it seems like you're a bit biased in this situation because of your problems. From what you've explained, your husband does not want to be with you. You're right, you can't force someone to change, if they don't want to change that means that they don't want to be with you. I just don't understand why you would want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

[deleted account]

I had to add, what bothers me is that men who lie and get caught tend to be lying about other things. Counseling only works if both people want it to and they both can own their faults. I have been to several different marriage counselors and I have come to the conclusion that you can't make someone have a good character and treat you respectfully if you put up with crap at the same time. My husband has never owned anything unless he was caught. After I found out he and stupid exgf were skyping, etc, during the deployment, I hauled him to a counselor where he told the counselor he didn't cheat, there was no other woman, our marriage had been over for years. . .lovely! I thought we were still married? Anyway, then he said he would come clean and tell me everything, where he proceeded to tell me what I already knew, watered it down to this innocent little "friendship." Then I found out he flew across the country to see her for R&R just to "talk". If your husband has a pattern of lying, he is going to continue to lie, in my opinion. I don't know your husband, but coming from someone who has been married 15 years and lied to the entire time, who has seen multiple marriage and individual counselors to try and fix the marriage, and has read it seems like 100s of books on being a better wife, improving your relationships, I can tell you that nothing I did changed him into a person who loved, respected me, and treated me with integrity. He's an ass, that's all. He has his good qualities, but he is a liar.

Billie - posted on 06/14/2011

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Anger problems are definitely a whole different story. I grew up with a father who had anger problems and my brother as well. I can't tell you how many times as a child I had to call the cops on my brother for abusing his girlfriend and 2 different wives. I've had to battle anger issues myself which I really think is from my upbringing. You just don't know how to deal with emotions, you hold them in until they boil over and you just burst out in anger. I knew something had to give because I didn't want my girls to grow up in a hateful environment like I did, they don't deserve that.

You just have to decide whether you're willing to work on this relationship or not. If it were me, I would tell him that he has to attend counseling sessions until these issues are resolved or I'd be gone. Deep issues don't just disappear you know.

Kristen - posted on 06/14/2011

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we have a 2 yr old daughter and a 6 month old son with kidney problems :( He cheated on me when i was preggo with my son with an x close friend. that happend in april 2010 and he finally told me about it mothers day!!!! after that we went to counseling but he quit after 1 session. He has anger issues as well. More than once he has had to go to anger management :/ I love him so much im just tired of all his shit

Billie - posted on 06/14/2011

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Sorry to say, but if it's only been a few weeks and he's already does something as horrible as this, either he doesn't have as much love for you as you have for him, or he doesn't respect you enough to be faithful. I would say that some serious counseling sessions are in order. Put your foot down and let him know that you're not going to put up with it, you're worth more than that and you sure as hell deserve more than that. He has to agree to stop and attend counseling sessions with you when he gets back. He needs to talk to a professional about what he's going through now.

Beth - posted on 06/13/2011

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Divorce isn't always the answer. Talk to him , tell him you want to see a councilor , Tell him how it makes you feel when he goes else where for what he can freely get at home. Communication is the key.

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