I Am In DIRE NEED of Some Advice

Jessie - posted on 02/24/2009 ( 32 moms have responded )

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Ok so here's the sitch... I have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter. We were last stationed in SD, found out hubby was going to be deployed for about a year so I moved us back to my hometown to be close to family and friends. 3 days after moving back home I find out that hubby was no longer being deployed, but instead we got orders overseas to Japan. We weren't scheduled to PCS until a few months later so I kept myself and my daughter in my hometown until it was PCS time. My daughter was doing really well, had friends, we had tons to do, etc.

We PCS to Japan, she's still doing fairly well even after a really rough flight. Then about a month and a half later I find out I'm pregnant with baby #2. I had really bad morning sickness for 3 1/2 months and so we didn't really go out much (I did my best to take her to playgroups and the park and such). During this time she started acting out here and there, but it was fairly manageable. Then the morning sickness goes away and I start getting us out more. Then I get hit with exhaustion (from having to go to the restroom constantly through the night and the baby kicking all the time) and we don't get out much again because I was so tired. Then she started acting out more. I understood it because I knew she was bored and wanted to go out and do all the things she was used to doing. Then we move into a bigger house (still at the same base), which was far away from all the things that she got accustomed to seeing. Then more fits came. Then she started painting her room with her poopie when she was supposed to be napping.

I get near the end of my pregnancy and she starts almost regularly painting her room with her poop, she throws fits almost every 5 minutes, I could barely get anything done around the house because she'd be doing things she knows she's not supposed to do, she started becoming destructive, and started becoming rough with the dog. Then I had the baby, was in the hospital for 48 hours (had a c-section) and so hubby was at home with her during this time. She just stopped listening, the fits have gotten worse, she's been painting with her poopie almost every single day (it doesn't take her long to make a giant mess - like less than 2 minutes), we can barely get out of the house without her screaming bloody murder when we try to get her in the car to go somewhere, etc etc etc.

She doesn't seem jealous of the baby so far. She loves him to bits. She's always wanting to help with him, wanting to play with him, and always talking to him. It's really cute and sweet.

I just don't know how to deal with her fits, the poopie painting, and the not listening. Now being that I've had a c-section there's not a lot that I can do. Hubby has taken 30 days of leave (10 days paternity, 20 personal leave) to stay home and help me with the house and kids since I'm a SAHM and can't really do much due to the c-section. He started doing everything and it was so wonderful for the first week. Then he just stopped doing really much of anything. He stopped cleaning, still helped with the kids but not as much, and just pretty much spends all his time playing video games.

He's not handling our 2 1/2 yr old's behavior very well and has resorted to mostly yelling and so listening to him yell on a constant basis and then the fits of my 2 1/2 yr old on top of that it's driving me crazy. It's stressin me out.

Ok so here's what I want to know...

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?
How have you handled it?
How did you get a child to stop painting with their poopie?
How did you at least reduce the fits (I know you can't stop them all together)?
How did you get your hubby to stay calm and stop all the yelling?
How did you get your child to stop being destructive & stop rough housing the pets?
What can I do to stay calm and not stress out, yell, or just freak out from all the chaos?
What advice can you give me?

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32 Comments

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Teyaka - posted on 03/20/2009

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I'm glad to hear that! Congradulations on the progress. Your hubby will come around in due time. I had to leave the kids with my hubby for a little over an hour and he finally experienced what I go through in a day. As soon as I walked in the house he had to step out for a ciggarette. I thought it was funny, but that hour gave him a peek into what I deal with when our 18 month acts out. Maybe you should try that with your hubby. Leave him with your daughter for a little while and then come back. See if he notices a behavior change.

Jessie - posted on 03/19/2009

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Well the EDIS lady came to our house a few weeks ago, assessed Kiana and said that developmentally wise Kiana was more advanced than most two year olds.  I told her that I wasn't really worried about Kiana developmentally, it was more behavioral.  I explained everything to her and the tips she gave me was to ignore the majority of her behavior except for what is dangerous.  When I put her in time out I am to sit her in the chair in the corner and if she wont stay then I am to physically hold her down until her time is up.  So I've had to hold her down every single time she's gone to time out.



As for the fits she told me to just ignore then which I normally do so that advice didn't do me much good.  However I did order the "Happiest Toddler on the Block" and it showed me how to stop fits immediately and I tell you it worked like a freakin charm.  I was so pleased. 



So far Kiana has made great progress.  She still poopie paints from time to time, but she has started going pee pee in the potty on her own, she chose to wear big girl pants on her own, and is basically starting to potty train again by her own choice.  So I'm super pleased with that.  Kiana's behavior has gotten much better, still needs some work, but it is better than before.  However I have noticed that when hubby comes home from work, that's when she starts acting up in a big way. 



So obviously my husband has been a big factor in her misbehavior.  I've talked with hubby about this, but he refuses to admit it and refuses to change his behavior to help better Kiana's.  So it's going to be a struggle.



But during the day when I'm with her and my son, she has gotten better.  She's still a turd now and then, but that's expected.  It's just no where near as bad as it was.  Thank goodness.  I've been taking the EDIS lady's advice as well as the advice giving in "Happiest Toddler on the Block" and so far so good.  Now if only my husband would follow the advice then everything would be awesome!

Teyaka - posted on 03/19/2009

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I know its been a while, but I just wanted to check in on ya again! Has she made progress? Are things getting better?

[deleted account]

Sorry you have to wait...but maybe they will be able to help.  One of the other things I thought of....and maybe this will help in the meantime.  Put her down for her nap earlier or later....most kids are pretty regular with their bowel habits and if it is EVERYDAY during nap time maybe you can at least cut THAT out of the cycle. :)  Also, maybe nap her is stuff that is trickier to get at her diaper in....think a one piece jammie. :)  Most parents want to keep naptime regular because their kids are happier that way, but if she is unhappy and disobedient, and extra half-hour of cranky girl might be worth it if you can catch the diaper before she goes down.



Thinking happy thoughts for you (and hoping your EIDS people aren't ALWAYS busy like that.) k. hartvigsen :)

Jessie - posted on 03/04/2009

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Well I called EDIS and I explained the sitch as best as I could (they kept cutting me off and were really rushing me - I think trying to get me off the phone so they could do something else).  They said that they were going to call the social worker to see if they could even help me and that they'd call me back either later today or tmw.  They told me the social worker prolly wouldn't be available until much later this month or next month.  So right now it's just a big waiting game.

Teyaka - posted on 03/04/2009

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Just wanted to know how everything was working out for you. Is she getting better with her behavior? Are any of our suggestings working just a little bit?

[deleted account]

Oh, and get someone to clean your house!  It will make ALL the difference in the world for you emotionally, even if you only have them come once or twice. :)



When we moved to Korea we got a lady to help for half a day once a week and for $40 a week I don't have to spend nap time up to my armpits in cleaners (you know, all the ones you hate to use when the kids are around.) hehehe.  Explain to your husband that it is an investment in your happiness and familial well-being, at least in the short term while you are healing.  And if he objects, then you have an opportunity to tell him all the ways that the proverbial "she" can help you....or HE can. hehehe



Good luck dear. k. hartvigsen

[deleted account]

This is mother of almost 2 year old and wife of Psychiatrist speaking here: take her to the doctor.  If you are doing everything you can (and it sounds like you are) and are still beating your head against the wall, there are other people who can help you and give you new ideas that may work for you.  Check out the Early Intervention....there should be an Eids (or Eidis maybe) specialist where you are stationed to help with finding resources for you.  Go visit the Chaplain's Office too.  Ask her pediatrician what to do and when he or she is finished with suggestions, say "And a referral to Child and Adolescent Psychiatry please."  With a big smile on your face.  They will have Child Psychiatrists, Psychologists and Social Workers....all of whom may have the perspective you need to help get your daughter and your family over this hump (or mountain, some days....I know.)



Make sure you don't think to yourself: I don't need to take her to Dr. X because "that" isn't her problem.  There isn't a silver bullet, but you never know where or who might hit on a solution that will work for her.  I was struck by your reaction to your husband's suggestion that there was something "wrong with her mentally."  There is something wrong or you wouldn't all be struggling, but I think it is wrong with her emotions.  The professionals can help her, and can help you find new ways to help her.  Don't let a social stigma, perceived or real, get in the way of that. :)



It was a bit of a soap box, I know, but the military is full of people thinking that if they are tough enough they can handle it.  There is a reason the Army has multiple training sites for "Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Fellows."  It is because the stresses of military life can be hardest on kids because they don't understand why.



Good luck finding resources that can help you.  I am confident you will find something that can help you and your little girl out of all this trouble and sadness. :)



 

Larissa - posted on 03/02/2009

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I'm glad if anything I said could help you. I wasn't sure if I was making sense myself. Reading your story just took me back, to those very days, and believe me, I cried more than a river. I know it KILLS to see your kids hurting and you can't help them, but not for lack of trying. Please let me know how ya'll do. Larissa

Jessie - posted on 03/02/2009

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Quoting Maggie:



call information and see if they have an "Early Intervention" program  (don't take this wrong please) for special needs kids. My daughter had the exact same problems as a toddler and it was her way of fighting back in a world that had a LOT OF CHANGE. This is something that I couldn't figure out how to fix and I didn't know what to do. I was afraid my sweet little girl would turn out to be a sociopath or something when she grew up. Early Intervention made ALL THE DIFFERENCE. They had her come to a preschool 3 mornings per week and they sat down with me and came up with goals, behavior that needed to change, and a plan for each next step. IT WORKED. She became my fun and loving little girl again and stopped the horrid tantrums, hitting, acting out. See if you can find them in your area. if you can't, call your hometown and find the closest chapter. Ask them for parenting resources you could use where you are. good luck, honey.





You know I'm not sure if this base has an Early Intervention program or not.  I think I'll check that out as well because this sounds like it would do a world of difference for my little one. 



 



I don't believe in spanking, my daughter has stopped responding to time outs, and I think that getting her into a program like this would be a much better avenue.  Thank you!  I'll keep you updated on if the base has something like this and how it goes.

Jessie - posted on 03/02/2009

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Quoting Larissa:



Quoting Jessie:




I hope everything I said just made sense because it's like almost 2 am and I haven't had really any sleep in the past two days.  So I hope I made sense.









HI Jessie,






I'm new to the mommy circle and i wanted to share my experiences with you. I too started to have problems with my son when his father was deployed to Iraq for 18mo. First, it started with the not listening to me(at all). Then he decided he wasn't going to school anymore, and when he did he would throw chairs at everyone and tantrums. He started pooping his pants anywhere and everywhere. And like you I didn't have a moment to my self or anyone I could send him to that I trusted with my baby. I tried EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!(Icluding spanking witch didn't work). I am going to say off the top that you have to take care of you first. If you don't, you can't care for those cuties the way they deserve. First I took parenting classes which i really could have done without, then I looked into big brother and big sister programs. And after all failed I took my son to see a physicologist. I got all kinds of reactions from people. I'm glad I didn't listen to them because I learned he was also going through depression,like myself, about his father being gone. And they can't say " mommy i'm depressed" because they have no idea. He also started to over eat in the middle of the night to make himself feel better. Going to the doc was the best thing I ever did. I read other mothers tell you to ignore some of the behavior,I  think that's a mistake. My son is now 14 years old and we still have problems I think stem from us not getting help earlier on in the situation. Getting to the point, each issue needs separate help at that time or else things snowball into what you have now. I'm not going to say everything is great but I don't want to kill myself anymore. And I feel better that someone knows what I'm going through and that there is hope that things will get better. Now when my husband came home I learned he needed to" re-coop" if you will and I didn't allow him to disipline until he destressed from deployment. He also needed counciling to deal with what he's been through. He did go(kicking&screaming). I gave him no choice. And no kidding, it took two years before we as a couple could even get things together for ourselves, to work on our family. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DO IT ALL when it comes to the kids. That can't be. Another mom said men learn from repation, well mine learned from the lession if you can do it so can I, I STOP, COOKING ,CLEANING, everything i would ususal do for him to show my appreciation. He learned your job is MILITARY, my job is MOMMY we both deserve breaks(away from the kids). Only difference is I didn't leave my hometown and support to PCS or go over seas until things got better. I'm going to pray for you because raising two kids under those conditions is hard, especially in Japan. I too now have another little one after 12 years an I am VERY happy. Wouldn't hesitate for a moment to go back to the doc. Thanks Dr. Hendricks!!!!!!!!






                                                                    Larissa(SAT,TX)





Thank you so much for your suggestions.  This is what I was leaning more towards.  Funny thing was, I was scheduled to go to parenting classes today.  So it sounds like I'm going the same route you did with your little one.  I think I'll contact the doc today and see what all I can get set up.  Thank you.  I'll keep ya updated on how it goes.



 



As for the part that "it sounds like you do it all"...  Yeah I pretty much do.  I'm the one who takes care of all the house cleaning, I do the majority of the cooking (hubby will cook dinner from time to time), I do 90% of the childcare, I do 90% of the bills, and I even do the majority of the yard work ontop of that, etc.  Hubby doesn't really do much but go to work, play video games, watch the kids when he has to, and once in a while he'll do a load of dishes or a load of laundry and takes out the trash after I nag him to take it out (it usually takes him 2-3 weeks before it actually ends up at the curb for trash pickup though, so a lot of times I'll get pissed and take it out myself).  Even though he doesn't do much now, it's a  HUGE improvement compared to what he used to do a year or so ago, which was absolutely nothing but go to work and that was at a time that I was not only doing all the SAHM stuff, but I was also working 2-5 jobs at once.  So imagine how stressed out I was then.  We went to marriage counseling, things improved from there, then we got stationed here and hubby got much better at helping out, but even then it's still not enough at times.  I'm still finding myself having to take care of everything.  He still has that mindset that being a SAHM is easy and his job (which is currently sitting behind a desk updating training manuals) is super hard.  He's been home for almost 30 days (he'll be going back to work very soon) and he says that he'd still much rather do the SAHM thing than do his job, but I'm like uhhh you haven't done anything here so ofc you think it's easy!  He took 30 days off to "help me out, help take care of the kids and the house, etc.".  Now while he has helped out with the kids a lot, he hasn't really been doing much housework and I've found myself cleaning the house and almost hurting myself trying to get the house cleaned because it's so filthy (I'm a HUGE clean freak so my definition of clean and hubby's definition of clean are wayyyyy different). 



 



Anywho, sorry I'm starting to rant now.  LOL



 



But yeah I'm gonna try your suggestion and see what the docs got for me, cus something needs to be done soon before this gets any worse.

[deleted account]

Also, her pediatrician said she showed signs of this, that and the other. but she didn't give me ANY WAY to change or modify or deal with it. look into early intervention. even if you just talk to someone over the phone. kids do these things when they are mad about changes in their lives. and we all know as military families, we can't control how many big changes we have. Early intervention can help you find ways to modify, change, and deal with things so that you and your daughter are more at peace!!!! I sure hope you can ifnd it. I'll pray for you, too.  

[deleted account]

P.S. - AND after a year in the program, she no longer needed "early intervention". She continued the preschool because I paid to have her continue, but they no longer needed to do the individual education plan because she'd met all of our goals by that time. I tell you, it was a GODSEND and a miracle and I am thankful for it every day.  They helped her to find appropriate ways to let her anger/frustration out and express it in acceptable ways. She became much happier.

[deleted account]

call information and see if they have an "Early Intervention" program  (don't take this wrong please) for special needs kids. My daughter had the exact same problems as a toddler and it was her way of fighting back in a world that had a LOT OF CHANGE. This is something that I couldn't figure out how to fix and I didn't know what to do. I was afraid my sweet little girl would turn out to be a sociopath or something when she grew up. Early Intervention made ALL THE DIFFERENCE. They had her come to a preschool 3 mornings per week and they sat down with me and came up with goals, behavior that needed to change, and a plan for each next step. IT WORKED. She became my fun and loving little girl again and stopped the horrid tantrums, hitting, acting out. See if you can find them in your area. if you can't, call your hometown and find the closest chapter. Ask them for parenting resources you could use where you are. good luck, honey.

Larissa - posted on 03/02/2009

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Quoting Jessie:



I hope everything I said just made sense because it's like almost 2 am and I haven't had really any sleep in the past two days.  So I hope I made sense.





HI Jessie,



I'm new to the mommy circle and i wanted to share my experiences with you. I too started to have problems with my son when his father was deployed to Iraq for 18mo. First, it started with the not listening to me(at all). Then he decided he wasn't going to school anymore, and when he did he would throw chairs at everyone and tantrums. He started pooping his pants anywhere and everywhere. And like you I didn't have a moment to my self or anyone I could send him to that I trusted with my baby. I tried EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!(Icluding spanking witch didn't work). I am going to say off the top that you have to take care of you first. If you don't, you can't care for those cuties the way they deserve. First I took parenting classes which i really could have done without, then I looked into big brother and big sister programs. And after all failed I took my son to see a physicologist. I got all kinds of reactions from people. I'm glad I didn't listen to them because I learned he was also going through depression,like myself, about his father being gone. And they can't say " mommy i'm depressed" because they have no idea. He also started to over eat in the middle of the night to make himself feel better. Going to the doc was the best thing I ever did. I read other mothers tell you to ignore some of the behavior,I  think that's a mistake. My son is now 14 years old and we still have problems I think stem from us not getting help earlier on in the situation. Getting to the point, each issue needs separate help at that time or else things snowball into what you have now. I'm not going to say everything is great but I don't want to kill myself anymore. And I feel better that someone knows what I'm going through and that there is hope that things will get better. Now when my husband came home I learned he needed to" re-coop" if you will and I didn't allow him to disipline until he destressed from deployment. He also needed counciling to deal with what he's been through. He did go(kicking&screaming). I gave him no choice. And no kidding, it took two years before we as a couple could even get things together for ourselves, to work on our family. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DO IT ALL when it comes to the kids. That can't be. Another mom said men learn from repation, well mine learned from the lession if you can do it so can I, I STOP, COOKING ,CLEANING, everything i would ususal do for him to show my appreciation. He learned your job is MILITARY, my job is MOMMY we both deserve breaks(away from the kids). Only difference is I didn't leave my hometown and support to PCS or go over seas until things got better. I'm going to pray for you because raising two kids under those conditions is hard, especially in Japan. I too now have another little one after 12 years an I am VERY happy. Wouldn't hesitate for a moment to go back to the doc. Thanks Dr. Hendricks!!!!!!!!



                                                                    Larissa(SAT,TX)

Jo - posted on 03/01/2009

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(sorry if this is confusing, I just read through the other responses and am shoving everything into one post)



Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a possibility - but cannot be diagnosed yet at her age.

I would deff talk with her pediatrician. Check to see if you have a family life Chaplain. - even if you are not religious they can be a ton of help and are trained in dealing with family stress. They also have access to resources that others do not know about.

Georgia - posted on 02/28/2009

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Stick with it and be consistent, it's going to take time for these situations to be resolved. Your daughter isn't going to start behaving overnight.



You got a lot of great advice here. Follow most of it.



Your Husband... well there's a problem we all have faced... as for me, one day I literally grabbed my Husband by the chops and told him point blank - help me or get the fuck out. It worked.



Also, you might not be into it... but I think time outs are bull. Whoop that little girls butt. It works. My Son did EVERYTHING you described your little girl doing and I wore myself completely out trying all of these new fangled parenting methods... all my boy needed was a good ass whooping.



Good luck.

Melissa - posted on 02/27/2009

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I am so sorry that you are facing these issues with your daughter.  I have 3 kids, a 10 year old daughter who is ADHD, a 6 year old son, and 3 year old son...so I understand to a degree about wanting to pull your hair out. 



To me it seems, that one thing that may need to be done is for you and your daughter is to go see a doctor (possibly a therapist). She sounds like she is acting out with a few of the similar symptoms to Oppositional Defiant Disorder ( here's a link: http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_f...  )



It may just be that she is resentful for the move and very bored, but she is being destructive (even it is her own toys), the poopie wipe, being defiant with you as much as she is, and the hurting of the dog is something that you may need to check on.  I found out my daughter was ADHD a few years ago and before then I thought I was going to cry every night...because she was not listening, she was constantly "jumping off the walls", and now she is much better, but they had to put her on medication.  And we even have our 6 year old, who the doctors say is also ADHD, but because of his age, we refuse to put him on medications. 



A doctor visit maybe the thing you need for her to help not her, but help you.  I hope this helps.

Toni - posted on 02/27/2009

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I honestly would talk to your dr. There are a ton of sensory issues that you might not notice until age 2. Its possible you are attributing her behavior issues with the move when in fact, they are out of her control due to sensory issues. If she's better when she's been out playing, etc. it could be partly because of this. Deep tissue excersize seems to help these types of kids. Have her push a full laundry basket around the house. I would do some research on it and then talk to the dr. The only child I've ever known to play with thier poop repeatedly has sensory issues.



Also, she may be a little young to clean up on her own. It could be overwhelming to her. You will probably need to help her until she's 3+.

Teyaka - posted on 02/25/2009

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So, the poopie thing, earlier you said she usually does it during naptime. Have you tried to change where she takes her nap? If she is napping in her room, then move her to the living room. I want to say that it sounds like she is only painting with her poopie in one room. If that's the case then limit her access to the room. Only let her in it when it's time to go to bed. Tell her she is going to have to earn time in her room. It seems like timeout isn't working for this, I might suggest try spanking. I know not everyone is a believer in spanking... But if you've tried everything else, spanking may be the last resort.



I LOVE playdates. Same as a playgroup, but less people (maybe a friend or two). Try having one of those. Get people to come to you. It's a great destraction for the kids, especially if you are breastfeeding. During the playdate you can feed while the kids play in another room. Your daughter will be too excited to mess with much. Most of the worry of her acting out will be taken away too, because she's doing what she is familiar with in a familiar setting. Playing in her house with someone her age. I can't begin to tell you how much I can get done when TJ is at or is having a playdate.



Is your daughter acting out because there is a baby in the house, maybe the attention on her has shifted and she's not getting the same amount that she used to? My oldest, TJ (1 1/2 years old) started acting out a little bit when we brought my youngest, WIlliam (2 months) home. To nip it in the butt, we make sure that TJ has time alone with us. My hubby and I have time set aside everyday for just TJ. We want him to know that he's still loved just as much, and also don't want him to be jealous. So, when my bubby gets home from work (he works nights) he wakes TJ up. For a good hour it is just the 2 of them watching tv, eating breakfast, and or playing games with each other. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up to them laughing and running around the house. Once I get William down for a nap, I play with TJ. We watch tv for a little or play with his blocks. Sometimes we even run around the house or a simple trip to the mailbox works for him. Every now and then I take him on little errands with me and leave William sleep with my hubby. On days that my hubby is off, we both watch a movie with TJ and play games around the house. At times, its too lovey dovey for TJ so he'll push us away and do his own thing, but he doesn't bother William and he hardly acts out at home.

Erica - posted on 02/25/2009

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Hey been there, and understnad 100% i have 18mnth and 3 month old both c sections. My best advice is tell ur husband he needs to start helping more thats why is home not video games (my husband is gamer-aholic too). make her clean up the mess thats what we do wth our son when he colored on the walls, hasnt hapeened since, only took three times. as for the fits terrible twos is my best guess, with our son who is doing the same, we have started telling him if he wants to act like a little baby agin then he gets treated like one, no special treats, he drinks from a sippy and has baby food, no pbj, or nuggets or nothing...baby food, we have a desinated play area that is fenced in and he has a few toys if he throws them out he deosnt get them back, if he screams we ignore him, when he stops and starts behaving right we talk and play with him. reward her words when she does something good, bad when she acts up. trust me its hard, but it will get better (i hope) hopefully this helped

[deleted account]

You poor thing. I have a 12 year old boy, 10 year old girl and almost 8 year old boy. My husband is a Marine. Here's the thing. Your moving around and having a baby and being tired - that's life. Your little daughter is going to have to learn that a some point and good for you for doing it while she is little. The world does not revolve around her and obviously she wants it to. Now, unless you think there's a chance that there could be some medical issue going on, this is what I would do.

Although totally disgusting, I would have her clean the poop up. But not just to her desire. I would get a bucket of cold, soap water and have her put her little hand in there with the cloth and scrub. She'll probably hate the cold. If she's not doing it to your specs. then you put your hand on hers and take it in and out and scrub (again, not too pleasant for you but...). I used to tell my son to clean up his Hot Wheel cars. I would crawl all over the floor somewhat dragging him with me, with my hand on his, picking up every car. At first he thought it was funny, then he got mad, then he figured he would just do it on his own. I also wouldn't speak during this time. She wants a response out of you.

Then I would use the basement step or garage. I know this is weird, but I used to try to think of alternatives to spanking (which we have done, but try to avoid). Whenever they did something really wrong, they would have to sit on the top step of either the basement or garage. For one, it's usually dark. They don't like that. For another, they can't see you, which is really good for a time out, because even if you have to put her back in her place, she is still getting a response. You can sit on the other side of the door to so she can't open it (or lock it). When mine came in they would be crying and I felt horrible. I would immediately hug them and explain why and that it would happen again if need be. Another good thing about the garage is that it can be cold. Nice little bonus for making it uncomfortable for 3 minutes.

I know some of it sounds mean, but they have to learn that there are consequences.

Oh, and one more thing. I would try this when you don't have much to do. I would explain that whenever we go out, if she throws a fit, you will leave immediately and go home. It's hard because sometimes I would be sitting outside with the other military wives and I didn't want to go home. But you have to. I would state the reason you are going home to everyone (so she can hear) and then leave and make her go home and sit.

I hope some of this helped. You are totally normal and obviously a very good Mom who is trying to make her family work. Good luck!!

Jessie - posted on 02/25/2009

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I hope everything I said just made sense because it's like almost 2 am and I haven't had really any sleep in the past two days.  So I hope I made sense.

Jessie - posted on 02/25/2009

35

54

0

Thank you all for your suggestions.  Here's the thing...  I actually am consistant with my discipline. 



 



When my daughter does something she's not supposed to, I put her straight into time out.  She is to sit in the designated corner and face the wall.  If the tv is on, it gets turned off.  I'm constantly having to pick her up and put her back into the corner and have her face the wall.  Rarely does she sit there for the entire 3 minutes that she's supposed to stay there.  I don't leave the room when she's in time out either.  I sit on the couch and I set the timer and if she moves I go and put her right back. 



 



When I ask her to put her toys away, she usually ignores me and sits down and starts playing with her toys.  So  I get down to her level, make sure she's looking me in the eyes, I tell her that I'm setting the timer for 10 minutes and if any toys are left on the floor then they will get taken away.  When the timer gets to the 5 minute mark, I remind her of how much time she has and what the consequence is going to be.  At this point she seems to have stopped caring because she'll just continue to play with her toys, then her toys get taken away (she'll even help me collect them and doesn't throw a fit at this point) and they get put up until either she earns them back (that's how I positively reward her) or until a 3 days have passed.  Right now she's had about 90% of her toys taken away and I feel like everyday I'm taking more and more away because she's just refusing to put them away when I ask her to.



 



With the dog, when she does something to hurt the dog, I get down to her level and I explain to her that what she did was not ok and that we don't (insert action) to anyone including the dog.  She'll look at me and say "ok", then I make her go to the dog, tell the dog she's sorry and give her a kiss.  She'll do all this with no problem, but then a few seconds later might do that same action over again.  By this point, if she does it again, I put her straight into time out, explain to her why she's in time out, then when she comes out of time out I have her say sorry and such again.  The same goes for if she hits mommy or daddy.



 



She's never hit or kicked anyone until we moved here and I let her play with these two little boys who are very physical kids.  They would hit and kick her and push her over and their parents didn't do anything about it.  I would tell my daughter that what those boys did was not ok.  Well ofc, monkey see monkey do, after playing with those boys once, she started doing that to me at home.  I tried to put an immediate stop to it, but she's still doing it only more to the dog instead of me.



 



The poopie thing, I tried having her clean it up several times, but she still kept doing it.  I had gotten a suggestion from another mom to try a quick cool (not freezing cold, but not super warm) shower.  I tried it and it worked really well the first few times.  She would stop doing it for 1-2 months, but now even though she HATES the quick cool shower, she still paints.  I had her not doing it for a while, but as soon as I had my son and was in the hospital for a few days she was doing it ALOT while I was gone.  Then I get back home, I was resting a lot since the medication the docs had me on knocked me out for the majority of the day, she was still doing it.  Hubby didn't know how to handle that situation and just freaked out.  He ofc yelled at her, gave her the quick cold shower, and yelled at her some more.  Once he calmed down he later asked me how I handled that and I told him all the stuff I've tried and that I haven't really found anything that has really worked enough to get her to stop completely.  He immediatly thinks there's something mentally wrong with our daughter and I was like umm no she's fine mentally.  She's just acting out because of all the changes that have happened in less than a year and if I knew how to get her to stop acting out in that way then I would've gotten that behavior corrected.



 



The destruction that I talked about...  She's actually destroying her own toys and books for the most part.  She tries to play with our stuff, but we have pretty much locked up most of our stuff, put gates up all over the house, and the stuff she can still get to we just take it away and tell her no touch.  Her toys and her books...  She has chewed up a lot of books, torn some pages of other books.  Yet these are her FAVORITE books she's doing this to.  With the toys, she's just really rough with them and does whatever she can to take them apart or she'll just chew them up.  It's almost like I have a puppy in the house.  She's also a big climber, basically a monkey, and so I'm constantly having to tell her or to take her off of her toys and our furniture before she can hurt herself or destroy whatever she's climbing/standing on.  It gives me a freakin heart attack when she climbs all over everything, but no matter how many times she's ended up in time out for it she still does it.



 



With the hubby, any time he does ANYTHING around the house I ALWAYS tell him thank you, I always show a lot of gratitude because he doesn't do it very often and so I am always appreciative of the work he does do around the house.  Plus the way I see it, I prefer to treat others the way I want to be treated and I know that I would love it if I got thanked or was shown appreciation for all the work I do around the house and with the kids.  So I always make it a point to thank hubby for whatever work he does around the house and with the kids.



 



As far as having my daughter on a schedule, I actually do have a schedule that I keep her on.  The only thing that I haven't been able to be consistant with is the taking her out part.  I had a portion of time on my schedule where I would take her to playgroup or take her to the park, but since the pregnancy had me all exhausted I kept her home and instead we did activities at home like painting, coloring, crafts, reading, or we'd just play with her toys together.  Keep in mind I don't drive - yet - I walk everywhere.  I'll be going to take the test next week so I can drive on and off base here.  I have my statesides drivers license, but this base requires we take the class and take the written test before we're allowed to drive on and off base here in Japan. 



 



When we first moved here the playgroup and park were right next to my house so less than 5 min walk, now that we've moved into a bigger home, we're on the other side of base.  So the playgroup is now a 30-45 min walk and the park she got accustomed to going to is about 5-10 minutes further.  We have a park by our house, but there are no swings, which are her favorite, and the equipment is really too big for a toddler to play on.  Now that I've had my son, the schedule has changed since hubby is home and now a lot of my time is consumed with feeding the little one.  So now I'm having to re-vamp the schedule that I had with my daughter, so it includes the time I have to feed my son.  I breast feed and this boy eats ALOT.  He eats every 2-3 hours, but when he eats he's going for 30 min per breast.  So when he's eating, I can't do anything, but sit there and wait for him to finish.  So this makes things a lot trickier for me.  With hubby at home, it's easy for me to sit and feed him since hubby can take care of our daughter, but what I'm concerned about is when he goes back to work, how I'm going to manage our daughter while I'm feeding.  What I mean is, if she's doing something she's not supposed to, how am I gonna be able to be consistant in putting her in time out and such if I can't really get up right away.



 



This is one of the biggest things I'm trying to figure out is how do I handle my daughter now, while my hubby is off work to get her back to her sweet self or at least close to it, so that when he goes back to work, I can handle both kids on my own without losing my freakin mind.



 



I've always been the patient one in the house.  I have always been the most consistant as well.  My daughter has always been super well behaved until we moved here and all these changes were being made.  I knew these changes were going to affect her in a big way and I did my best to keep as much the same as I could.  I too am a big fan of SuperNanny and I do follow her recommendations and such.  I also used to work in a youth center and did a bit of work in school age as well as the CDC and so I got tons of training on how to handle older children.  The thing is SuperNanny and all the training that I've had doesn't really cover handling a 2 1/2 yr old who's gone through a multitude of changes in less than a year and it doesn't really cover the poopie issue and such.  So that's why I'm just at a loss and am searching for something to help me figure out what I need to do to step up my game.



 



I'm at a point to where I'm so frusterated that I'm finding that I'm starting to yell at my child, which I never did before until after we moved here.  The only time I find myself yelling is after I've instructed my child for the 3rd, 4th, or 5th time that what she's doing is not ok, etc.  I'm finding with the lack of sleep I've been getting for the past few months, my patience has run very thin as well.  My hubby lets me sleep in from time to time and he has allowed me to nap when I needed it while he watched the kids, but I'm still exhausted, still run down, and I do take breaks to take care of myself, but it seems like as soon as I start feeling better I step back to find my daughter or my hubby doing something that gets me stressed and exhausted again.  When I start feeling like I'm going to yell I usually step out of the room and go do dishes, or laundry, or sit down and drink some tea & read the paper or something.  Yet I'm finding it harder to step out of the room when let's say hubby's in the bathroom or in the shower, I'm trying to feed my son, and my daughter is just losing her freakin mind and I can't get her to stop what she's doing and go to time out because I can't really get up. 



 



I feel that even though I do give my daughter positive rewards for good behavior, all the time outs and discipline for the bad behavior just seems to surpass it.  She has her moments of being incredibly good and I totally praise her during those times and really go all out in hopes that she'll keep up the good work, but she's just at a point where she's doing so much of the unwanted behavior that she's constantly being disciplined and I'm not sure how to get her out of that ugly cycle.  It's just getting worse.  Before she never acted out in public and when we were out she would always listen and behave.  Yet now she's throwing fits out in public, many times over nothing, just pretty much screaming to scream or throwing herself to the ground and screaming bloody murder just to be doing it.  I always first tell her that the fit is not ok and that she needs to stop, then if she continues I ignore her completely until she has stopped and started behaving appropriately, but ignoring it doesn't seem to be working either since she's getting attention from strangers. 



 



My daughter is totally in that independent stage and she's extremely strong-willed.  So I understand that it's going to be a difficult and long journey.  I just wish I could find something that worked to get her to a point that is managable to where I don't feel like I'm going to lose my freakin mind after a few minutes.  I've read so many parenting books, have watched so many episodes of Super Nanny and Nanny 911, have read many parenting forums, etc.  I've found a few things that work really well for us, but then just lately have found that a lot of things just aren't working with my child.  So this is a time that I need some creativity before all my hair falls out.  LOL.

Jessie - posted on 02/25/2009

35

54

0

Thank you all for your suggestions.  Here's the thing...  I actually am consistant with my discipline. 



 



When my daughter does something she's not supposed to, I put her straight into time out.  She is to sit in the designated corner and face the wall.  If the tv is on, it gets turned off.  I'm constantly having to pick her up and put her back into the corner and have her face the wall.  Rarely does she sit there for the entire 3 minutes that she's supposed to stay there.  I don't leave the room when she's in time out either.  I sit on the couch and I set the timer and if she moves I go and put her right back. 



 



When I ask her to put her toys away, she usually ignores me and sits down and starts playing with her toys.  So  I get down to her level, make sure she's looking me in the eyes, I tell her that I'm setting the timer for 10 minutes and if any toys are left on the floor then they will get taken away.  When the timer gets to the 5 minute mark, I remind her of how much time she has and what the consequence is going to be.  At this point she seems to have stopped caring because she'll just continue to play with her toys, then her toys get taken away (she'll even help me collect them and doesn't throw a fit at this point) and they get put up until either she earns them back (that's how I positively reward her) or until a 3 days have passed.  Right now she's had about 90% of her toys taken away and I feel like everyday I'm taking more and more away because she's just refusing to put them away when I ask her to.



 



With the dog, when she does something to hurt the dog, I get down to her level and I explain to her that what she did was not ok and that we don't (insert action) to anyone including the dog.  She'll look at me and say "ok", then I make her go to the dog, tell the dog she's sorry and give her a kiss.  She'll do all this with no problem, but then a few seconds later might do that same action over again.  By this point, if she does it again, I put her straight into time out, explain to her why she's in time out, then when she comes out of time out I have her say sorry and such again.  The same goes for if she hits mommy or daddy.



 



She's never hit or kicked anyone until we moved here and I let her play with these two little boys who are very physical kids.  They would hit and kick her and push her over and their parents didn't do anything about it.  I would tell my daughter that what those boys did was not ok.  Well ofc, monkey see monkey do, after playing with those boys once, she started doing that to me at home.  I tried to put an immediate stop to it, but she's still doing it only more to the dog instead of me.



 



The poopie thing, I tried having her clean it up several times, but she still kept doing it.  I had gotten a suggestion from another mom to try a quick cool (not freezing cold, but not super warm) shower.  I tried it and it worked really well the first few times.  She would stop doing it for 1-2 months, but now even though she HATES the quick cool shower, she still paints.  I had her not doing it for a while, but as soon as I had my son and was in the hospital for a few days she was doing it ALOT while I was gone.  Then I get back home, I was resting a lot since the medication the docs had me on knocked me out for the majority of the day, she was still doing it.  Hubby didn't know how to handle that situation and just freaked out.  He ofc yelled at her, gave her the quick cold shower, and yelled at her some more.  Once he calmed down he later asked me how I handled that and I told him all the stuff I've tried and that I haven't really found anything that has really worked enough to get her to stop completely.  He immediatly thinks there's something mentally wrong with our daughter and I was like umm no she's fine mentally.  She's just acting out because of all the changes that have happened in less than a year and if I knew how to get her to stop acting out in that way then I would've gotten that behavior corrected.



 



The destruction that I talked about...  She's actually destroying her own toys and books for the most part.  She tries to play with our stuff, but we have pretty much locked up most of our stuff, put gates up all over the house, and the stuff she can still get to we just take it away and tell her no touch.  Her toys and her books...  She has chewed up a lot of books, torn some pages of other books.  Yet these are her FAVORITE books she's doing this to.  With the toys, she's just really rough with them and does whatever she can to take them apart or she'll just chew them up.  It's almost like I have a puppy in the house.  She's also a big climber, basically a monkey, and so I'm constantly having to tell her or to take her off of her toys and our furniture before she can hurt herself or destroy whatever she's climbing/standing on.  It gives me a freakin heart attack when she climbs all over everything, but no matter how many times she's ended up in time out for it she still does it.



 



With the hubby, any time he does ANYTHING around the house I ALWAYS tell him thank you, I always show a lot of gratitude because he doesn't do it very often and so I am always appreciative of the work he does do around the house.  Plus the way I see it, I prefer to treat others the way I want to be treated and I know that I would love it if I got thanked or was shown appreciation for all the work I do around the house and with the kids.  So I always make it a point to thank hubby for whatever work he does around the house and with the kids.



 



As far as having my daughter on a schedule, I actually do have a schedule that I keep her on.  The only thing that I haven't been able to be consistant with is the taking her out part.  I had a portion of time on my schedule where I would take her to playgroup or take her to the park, but since the pregnancy had me all exhausted I kept her home and instead we did activities at home like painting, coloring, crafts, reading, or we'd just play with her toys together.  Keep in mind I don't drive - yet - I walk everywhere.  I'll be going to take the test next week so I can drive on and off base here.  I have my statesides drivers license, but this base requires we take the class and take the written test before we're allowed to drive on and off base here in Japan. 



 



When we first moved here the playgroup and park were right next to my house so less than 5 min walk, now that we've moved into a bigger home, we're on the other side of base.  So the playgroup is now a 30-45 min walk and the park she got accustomed to going to is about 5-10 minutes further.  We have a park by our house, but there are no swings, which are her favorite, and the equipment is really too big for a toddler to play on.  Now that I've had my son, the schedule has changed since hubby is home and now a lot of my time is consumed with feeding the little one.  So now I'm having to re-vamp the schedule that I had with my daughter, so it includes the time I have to feed my son.  I breast feed and this boy eats ALOT.  He eats every 2-3 hours, but when he eats he's going for 30 min per breast.  So when he's eating, I can't do anything, but sit there and wait for him to finish.  So this makes things a lot trickier for me.  With hubby at home, it's easy for me to sit and feed him since hubby can take care of our daughter, but what I'm concerned about is when he goes back to work, how I'm going to manage our daughter while I'm feeding.  What I mean is, if she's doing something she's not supposed to, how am I gonna be able to be consistant in putting her in time out and such if I can't really get up right away.



 



This is one of the biggest things I'm trying to figure out is how do I handle my daughter now, while my hubby is off work to get her back to her sweet self or at least close to it, so that when he goes back to work, I can handle both kids on my own without losing my freakin mind.



 



I've always been the patient one in the house.  I have always been the most consistant as well.  My daughter has always been super well behaved until we moved here and all these changes were being made.  I knew these changes were going to affect her in a big way and I did my best to keep as much the same as I could.  I too am a big fan of SuperNanny and I do follow her recommendations and such.  I also used to work in a youth center and did a bit of work in school age as well as the CDC and so I got tons of training on how to handle older children.  The thing is SuperNanny and all the training that I've had doesn't really cover handling a 2 1/2 yr old who's gone through a multitude of changes in less than a year and it doesn't really cover the poopie issue and such.  So that's why I'm just at a loss and am searching for something to help me figure out what I need to do to step up my game.



 



I'm at a point to where I'm so frusterated that I'm finding that I'm starting to yell at my child, which I never did before until after we moved here.  The only time I find myself yelling is after I've instructed my child for the 3rd, 4th, or 5th time that what she's doing is not ok, etc.  I'm finding with the lack of sleep I've been getting for the past few months, my patience has run very thin as well.  My hubby lets me sleep in from time to time and he has allowed me to nap when I needed it while he watched the kids, but I'm still exhausted, still run down, and I do take breaks to take care of myself, but it seems like as soon as I start feeling better I step back to find my daughter or my hubby doing something that gets me stressed and exhausted again.  When I start feeling like I'm going to yell I usually step out of the room and go do dishes, or laundry, or sit down and drink some tea & read the paper or something.  Yet I'm finding it harder to step out of the room when let's say hubby's in the bathroom or in the shower, I'm trying to feed my son, and my daughter is just losing her freakin mind and I can't get her to stop what she's doing and go to time out because I can't really get up. 



 



I feel that even though I do give my daughter positive rewards for good behavior, all the time outs and discipline for the bad behavior just seems to surpass it.  She has her moments of being incredibly good and I totally praise her during those times and really go all out in hopes that she'll keep up the good work, but she's just at a point where she's doing so much of the unwanted behavior that she's constantly being disciplined and I'm not sure how to get her out of that ugly cycle.  It's just getting worse.  Before she never acted out in public and when we were out she would always listen and behave.  Yet now she's throwing fits out in public, many times over nothing, just pretty much screaming to scream or throwing herself to the ground and screaming bloody murder just to be doing it.  I always first tell her that the fit is not ok and that she needs to stop, then if she continues I ignore her completely until she has stopped and started behaving appropriately, but ignoring it doesn't seem to be working either since she's getting attention from strangers. 



 



My daughter is totally in that independent stage and she's extremely strong-willed.  So I understand that it's going to be a difficult and long journey.  I just wish I could find something that worked to get her to a point that is managable to where I don't feel like I'm going to lose my freakin mind after a few minutes.  I've read so many parenting books, have watched so many episodes of Super Nanny and Nanny 911, have read many parenting forums, etc.  I've found a few things that work really well for us, but then just lately have found that a lot of things just aren't working with my child.  So this is a time that I need some creativity before all my hair falls out.  LOL.

Jessie - posted on 02/25/2009

35

54

0

Thank you all for your suggestions.  Here's the thing...  I actually am consistant with my discipline. 



 



When my daughter does something she's not supposed to, I put her straight into time out.  She is to sit in the designated corner and face the wall.  If the tv is on, it gets turned off.  I'm constantly having to pick her up and put her back into the corner and have her face the wall.  Rarely does she sit there for the entire 3 minutes that she's supposed to stay there.  I don't leave the room when she's in time out either.  I sit on the couch and I set the timer and if she moves I go and put her right back. 



 



When I ask her to put her toys away, she usually ignores me and sits down and starts playing with her toys.  So  I get down to her level, make sure she's looking me in the eyes, I tell her that I'm setting the timer for 10 minutes and if any toys are left on the floor then they will get taken away.  When the timer gets to the 5 minute mark, I remind her of how much time she has and what the consequence is going to be.  At this point she seems to have stopped caring because she'll just continue to play with her toys, then her toys get taken away (she'll even help me collect them and doesn't throw a fit at this point) and they get put up until either she earns them back (that's how I positively reward her) or until a 3 days have passed.  Right now she's had about 90% of her toys taken away and I feel like everyday I'm taking more and more away because she's just refusing to put them away when I ask her to.



 



With the dog, when she does something to hurt the dog, I get down to her level and I explain to her that what she did was not ok and that we don't (insert action) to anyone including the dog.  She'll look at me and say "ok", then I make her go to the dog, tell the dog she's sorry and give her a kiss.  She'll do all this with no problem, but then a few seconds later might do that same action over again.  By this point, if she does it again, I put her straight into time out, explain to her why she's in time out, then when she comes out of time out I have her say sorry and such again.  The same goes for if she hits mommy or daddy.



 



She's never hit or kicked anyone until we moved here and I let her play with these two little boys who are very physical kids.  They would hit and kick her and push her over and their parents didn't do anything about it.  I would tell my daughter that what those boys did was not ok.  Well ofc, monkey see monkey do, after playing with those boys once, she started doing that to me at home.  I tried to put an immediate stop to it, but she's still doing it only more to the dog instead of me.



 



The poopie thing, I tried having her clean it up several times, but she still kept doing it.  I had gotten a suggestion from another mom to try a quick cool (not freezing cold, but not super warm) shower.  I tried it and it worked really well the first few times.  She would stop doing it for 1-2 months, but now even though she HATES the quick cool shower, she still paints.  I had her not doing it for a while, but as soon as I had my son and was in the hospital for a few days she was doing it ALOT while I was gone.  Then I get back home, I was resting a lot since the medication the docs had me on knocked me out for the majority of the day, she was still doing it.  Hubby didn't know how to handle that situation and just freaked out.  He ofc yelled at her, gave her the quick cold shower, and yelled at her some more.  Once he calmed down he later asked me how I handled that and I told him all the stuff I've tried and that I haven't really found anything that has really worked enough to get her to stop completely.  He immediatly thinks there's something mentally wrong with our daughter and I was like umm no she's fine mentally.  She's just acting out because of all the changes that have happened in less than a year and if I knew how to get her to stop acting out in that way then I would've gotten that behavior corrected.



 



The destruction that I talked about...  She's actually destroying her own toys and books for the most part.  She tries to play with our stuff, but we have pretty much locked up most of our stuff, put gates up all over the house, and the stuff she can still get to we just take it away and tell her no touch.  Her toys and her books...  She has chewed up a lot of books, torn some pages of other books.  Yet these are her FAVORITE books she's doing this to.  With the toys, she's just really rough with them and does whatever she can to take them apart or she'll just chew them up.  It's almost like I have a puppy in the house.  She's also a big climber, basically a monkey, and so I'm constantly having to tell her or to take her off of her toys and our furniture before she can hurt herself or destroy whatever she's climbing/standing on.  It gives me a freakin heart attack when she climbs all over everything, but no matter how many times she's ended up in time out for it she still does it.



 



With the hubby, any time he does ANYTHING around the house I ALWAYS tell him thank you, I always show a lot of gratitude because he doesn't do it very often and so I am always appreciative of the work he does do around the house.  Plus the way I see it, I prefer to treat others the way I want to be treated and I know that I would love it if I got thanked or was shown appreciation for all the work I do around the house and with the kids.  So I always make it a point to thank hubby for whatever work he does around the house and with the kids.



 



As far as having my daughter on a schedule, I actually do have a schedule that I keep her on.  The only thing that I haven't been able to be consistant with is the taking her out part.  I had a portion of time on my schedule where I would take her to playgroup or take her to the park, but since the pregnancy had me all exhausted I kept her home and instead we did activities at home like painting, coloring, crafts, reading, or we'd just play with her toys together.  Keep in mind I don't drive - yet - I walk everywhere.  I'll be going to take the test next week so I can drive on and off base here.  I have my statesides drivers license, but this base requires we take the class and take the written test before we're allowed to drive on and off base here in Japan. 



 



When we first moved here the playgroup and park were right next to my house so less than 5 min walk, now that we've moved into a bigger home, we're on the other side of base.  So the playgroup is now a 30-45 min walk and the park she got accustomed to going to is about 5-10 minutes further.  We have a park by our house, but there are no swings, which are her favorite, and the equipment is really too big for a toddler to play on.  Now that I've had my son, the schedule has changed since hubby is home and now a lot of my time is consumed with feeding the little one.  So now I'm having to re-vamp the schedule that I had with my daughter, so it includes the time I have to feed my son.  I breast feed and this boy eats ALOT.  He eats every 2-3 hours, but when he eats he's going for 30 min per breast.  So when he's eating, I can't do anything, but sit there and wait for him to finish.  So this makes things a lot trickier for me.  With hubby at home, it's easy for me to sit and feed him since hubby can take care of our daughter, but what I'm concerned about is when he goes back to work, how I'm going to manage our daughter while I'm feeding.  What I mean is, if she's doing something she's not supposed to, how am I gonna be able to be consistant in putting her in time out and such if I can't really get up right away.



 



This is one of the biggest things I'm trying to figure out is how do I handle my daughter now, while my hubby is off work to get her back to her sweet self or at least close to it, so that when he goes back to work, I can handle both kids on my own without losing my freakin mind.



 



I've always been the patient one in the house.  I have always been the most consistant as well.  My daughter has always been super well behaved until we moved here and all these changes were being made.  I knew these changes were going to affect her in a big way and I did my best to keep as much the same as I could.  I too am a big fan of SuperNanny and I do follow her recommendations and such.  I also used to work in a youth center and did a bit of work in school age as well as the CDC and so I got tons of training on how to handle older children.  The thing is SuperNanny and all the training that I've had doesn't really cover handling a 2 1/2 yr old who's gone through a multitude of changes in less than a year and it doesn't really cover the poopie issue and such.  So that's why I'm just at a loss and am searching for something to help me figure out what I need to do to step up my game.



 



I'm at a point to where I'm so frusterated that I'm finding that I'm starting to yell at my child, which I never did before until after we moved here.  The only time I find myself yelling is after I've instructed my child for the 3rd, 4th, or 5th time that what she's doing is not ok, etc.  I'm finding with the lack of sleep I've been getting for the past few months, my patience has run very thin as well.  My hubby lets me sleep in from time to time and he has allowed me to nap when I needed it while he watched the kids, but I'm still exhausted, still run down, and I do take breaks to take care of myself, but it seems like as soon as I start feeling better I step back to find my daughter or my hubby doing something that gets me stressed and exhausted again.  When I start feeling like I'm going to yell I usually step out of the room and go do dishes, or laundry, or sit down and drink some tea & read the paper or something.  Yet I'm finding it harder to step out of the room when let's say hubby's in the bathroom or in the shower, I'm trying to feed my son, and my daughter is just losing her freakin mind and I can't get her to stop what she's doing and go to time out because I can't really get up. 



 



I feel that even though I do give my daughter positive rewards for good behavior, all the time outs and discipline for the bad behavior just seems to surpass it.  She has her moments of being incredibly good and I totally praise her during those times and really go all out in hopes that she'll keep up the good work, but she's just at a point where she's doing so much of the unwanted behavior that she's constantly being disciplined and I'm not sure how to get her out of that ugly cycle.  It's just getting worse.  Before she never acted out in public and when we were out she would always listen and behave.  Yet now she's throwing fits out in public, many times over nothing, just pretty much screaming to scream or throwing herself to the ground and screaming bloody murder just to be doing it.  I always first tell her that the fit is not ok and that she needs to stop, then if she continues I ignore her completely until she has stopped and started behaving appropriately, but ignoring it doesn't seem to be working either since she's getting attention from strangers. 



 



My daughter is totally in that independent stage and she's extremely strong-willed.  So I understand that it's going to be a difficult and long journey.  I just wish I could find something that worked to get her to a point that is managable to where I don't feel like I'm going to lose my freakin mind after a few minutes.  I've read so many parenting books, have watched so many episodes of Super Nanny and Nanny 911, have read many parenting forums, etc.  I've found a few things that work really well for us, but then just lately have found that a lot of things just aren't working with my child.  So this is a time that I need some creativity before all my hair falls out.  LOL.

Meghan - posted on 02/24/2009

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We have encourtered a number of these problems but not necessarily to this extreme. With the poop here is what all of my friends have done, my neighbors, and I did it one time and it worked with my son. He did not play with his poop but before he was complete potty trained he would take off his underwear or diaper and go in his clothes. The last time he ever did this we took him upstairs immidiately and ran a bath...it wasnt a nice comfy warm bath or freezing cold by any means. It was somewhere in the middle definitely wasnt going to be an enjoyable experience. We put him in the tub and told him we dont take our underwear off and poop in are pants and then go sit on the toilet with poo on our butt. Well he got it right away because thats the last time we have ever had a poop accident of any sort in this house with him and that was almost 10 months ago. In terms of tantrums I would just walk away...my son has them and as long as hes not going to hurt himself, his sister or the dog I just walk away. Within a few seconds hes realized that mommys not watching him. At that point I go back in and get down on the floor in front of him and we have a little talk about what is bothering him so much that he feels like the needs to throw a fit. Generally he is fine after we talk. Girl just take a break from time to time you need one. Especially with two little ones its very challanging. If you feel like you are going to yell just take a minute and walk away. Go focus on something else for a mintue or two. I have to do that from time to time. My son is in this phase right now where he likes to knock things over and crash his cars and trains. Needless to say theres only so much I can handle during a day and when it gets to be too much. We stop to take a break and then I have him help me clean up the play room. Consistency is key. You can do it the first couple months with a 2yr+ and an infant are always rough. It will get better. Hang in there:)

Melanie - posted on 02/24/2009

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So sorry you are struggling through this trying time.  It is a very stressful w/ a newborn and a toddler.  Obviously the below is my opinion so take it as that.



I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 month old.  Your questions are all related to discipline and training (except for your husband question). The reason your daughter has stopped listening to you & your husband is because you are most likely being inconsistent with your discipline/training. If you tell her to pick up her toys and put them in the toybox, and she doesn't do it, then you should punish her immediately. How you punish her is up to you, whether you believe in spanking or do time outs, etc. If you do time outs and she doesn't stay in time out then you physically pick her up and put her there. If she gets up you do it again. It doesn't matter if you have to do it 100 times, literally. You are in a battle of the wills against a 2 1/2 year old who thinks she is in charge. So if you let her win (by getting her way) then your life will be controlled by a 2 year old. The reason for punishing her immediately is so that you do not become angry and she has an immediate negative consequence for disobedience. This is the training part; training her to obey immediately. This is for her own safety as well. If you yelled at her to stop running b/c she was about to run into the street but she is used to ignoring you, she will continue running and could be seriously injured. The key to making this work is consistency. If you let something "slide" one time then it is telling your daughter you don't really mean what you say. Your words to her are a suggestion, not a command. And if you don't really care about her doing something, then why tell her to do it? You will experience much fewer episodes of anger b/c you are taking control of your family and restoring balance - you & your husband should be in control, not your daughter. You should speak w/ your husband and see if he can get on board. You need to be a unified team b/c if she can get away with things from one of you then it is still inconsistent training and she is in charge. A lot of these suggestions I have learned from the Supernanny TV show.



Regarding your husband, have you thanked him for all his hard work the first week he was home? He may feel not appreciated. Start saying positive things for all the help he does give you. Express to him that you need him to help you with specific things. Don't overwhelm him, but tell him one or two things you need that are most important to you. You can reward him by giving him a backrub or something that he enjoys and while you're doing it tell him thanks.



A word of caution: my pediatrician told me that my infant's greatest threat was my 2 1/2 year old. She is much more likely to unconsciously injure the baby than anything else happening to her. So always be on guard and never leave the 2 of them alone together. Even moreso since your daughter has moved from taking her frustration out on the walls (painting them w/ poop) to roughhousing the pets; the next step is the baby who can't defend herself.



BTW, your daughter will initially resist any discipline you try to implement. She is used to doing what she wants and ignoring you. So she will test you to see if you really mean it. Again, the key is consistency. If you make the punishment negative, and do it every single time she disobeys, even if it really is 50 times in a row, she will realize she's no longer in control and will begin to be her sweet self again. After disciplining her you can direct her into a positive direction, like having a snack or reading a book w/ you, etc - something that tells her you want to be with her and value her as a person and your time together. This will help foster a feeling of closeness, which has naturally changed since the baby arrived. You will enjoy being with her and she will enjoy being a part of the family, rather than the unnatural position of in charge of the family. I wish for you a calm and peaceful household.

Teyaka - posted on 02/24/2009

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K. I haven't experienced the poopie thing, but the rest I have, but I can try to offer a little advice. I come from a huge family (9 siblings) so, not much is suprising and if you apply what you've seen... it may help.



So, painting with her poopie... I guess you would have to stop this by really discouraging it. Make her help you clean it up when she does it. If she is left in a room and she doesn't do it, give her a reward.  A cookie or a sweet snack. After a while, she'll put it together and it may stop. Also, you said she did this during naptime so change her nap location. If she's in her room, try turning everything off in the living room for 2 hours at a set time everyday. Have her lay down on the couch or make a comfy place on the floor for her (I usually pile comforters on the floor for my son if he naps in my living room). Make sure she lays down for the full 2 hours. You'll get a little peace if it works.



To reduce the fits, act like her is one way. Show her how silly it looks. The first time you do it, she'll be caught off guard and just stare at you. The next few times it'll turn into a game and will shorten. My son still throw a few, but not often because I make fun of them. My grandma always say ignore it. Just walk away, because it is done for attention.



Get your hubby to stay to calm by you staying calm. You also need to let him know that he is not helping the situation either. Him yelling isn't any better than your daughter acting out. Also, by him yelling at her, your daughter is getting attention. She is throwing the tantrums for attention and his reaction is giving her attention. But you really need to talk to him. Let him know that he's adding stress to the situation.



TJ is still destructive, but not as much. He gets rewarded when he helps me clean up his toys. When he starts kicking and throwing his toys around the room, I take them away. I make him sit down and watch tv or listen to a book. So, he now understands that if he wants to play with his toys longer, don't be destructive or it will get taken away.



Take some time for you. You don't have to take a lot of time, don't have to take days... but take a little time for yourself. Take a walk, a bath, anything you want that will relax you. Tell your hubby that he has the kids for a little, then have fun. Chill out in the park with a book. Sleep in one morning.



My advice is to find something that works for you. Don't stress yourself out. My hubby didn't understand how bad TJ (1 1/2) could be until I left him alone with the kids for a few hours. He finally got a taste of what I go through on a daily basis. Now he understands and offers to help more. But you know what works for you. Talk it over with your hubby and get a plan going. Routines work! They really do, so if you can get on one, I strongly suggest you do it!



Good luck! And remember that everythign takes time. Hopefully something I said works for you.

Angela - posted on 02/24/2009

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Ok, I feel for you. I just had my third daughter and I have a 2 1/2 yr old and 1 1/2 yr old. I did have some problems with my 2 1/2 yr old from the moment she grasped that mommy was going to have another baby. She began to regress and that sounds like what may be happening with your daughter. She has no ill feelings for her new brother, but she is no longer the center of mom and dad's attention. Combine this with the terrible two's. My oldest is going through what I like to call a 'Miss Independent' stage. She wants to do everything herself. If mom or dad helps her, she throws a fit.



Here's some suggestions for you...I hope they help. First with the poop...have her clean it up. My daughters were coloring with crayons and markers, fortunately, and everytime they did it, they cleaned it up. Eventually the found it wasn't fun if they had to clean it up. Second the fits, sometimes ignoring them is the best solution. She will begin to realize that the fits aren't getting the reaction from mom and dad like they used to and they will lessen. Third your hubby...now this is a tough one. Men will be men. You just need to stay calm and try to explain to him how you feel. You may have to do this several times. Men learn by repeatition. It's annoying to us women, but it works. Fourth the destructivness and pets...you may just have to talk to her at her level about how she might not be meaning to hurt her pets, but she is. And when it comes to being destructive...whose stuff is it? Mom's? Dad's? Hers? Let her know how it makes that person feel to see their stuff destroyed. Finally, yes you feel like you are just going to explode. And it does get difficult. Make some me time for yourself. Even simple errands to the commissary or exchange. Take a walk. Seperate yourself when things get to difficult. Instill a mom timeout.



I hope things get better. Congrats on your newest addition.

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