I did not ask for this. . . . . . .

Krystal - posted on 03/10/2011

I didnt really take the original posters comment as anti military or that she hates every single thing about the military.. More the complete idiocy of the statement "you knew what you were getting into so dont complain." I was commander of a JROTC, I did 4 years in high school where i learned all the jargon, how troops worked, pt, paperwork, being in charge, being at the bottom of the rank...basic military knowledge. I toured bases, I spoke with soldiers, airmen, marines, sailors, and reservists... I married my high school sweetheart who ALSO was in ROTC. When he joined I was ready, I made it through bootcamp like a champ. I am extremely pro military, thought it was great, knew id be alone frequently and away from family. I was the epitomy of "I knew what I was getting into" and guess what, he deployed...and all my "VAST" knowledge... did absolutely no good whatsoever. Knowing the details of how things work is a completely different ball game as actually going through it and you know what it sucks. It sucks when your 2 year old asks everyday where daddy is, it sucks when you feel lonely at night and are on a different continent from everyone you know and every family member you have. It really sucks when you finally wake up from the haze of realizing your husband isnt going to be with you for MONTHS and notice that while you have some great friends on base they have families and lives as well and cant be there everytime you need someone. I really have a problem with saying you knew what you were getting into because until youve had to LIVE it you have no IDEA what its like

Alicia - posted on 02/26/2010

I agree that is hard, especially for the kids. I'm very proud of my husband as I know all of you are. It is ok to have different feelings, especially when you are feeling alone and away from your comfort zone. Theres nothing wrong with having an opinion and venting every once in a while. My husband is deployed right now and I can't say that I'm excited about him being gone, he would love that fact. Although I'm extremely proud of my husband I wish he was here with us. What kind of wife would I be if I didn't. So remember everyone has to vent sometimes after all this isn't easy. And although it takes a certain kind of women to be able to handle this, we are human and have to vent sometimes. I have 4 children, including a 3 month old little boy that my husband has got to be around for only a month. I feel you all you women out there with children raising them alone. Especially you pregnant women with deployed boyfriends/husbands. Hang in there, keep your head high and keep venting. I pray for you and your familys.

Lisa - posted on 02/25/2010

Hi Kristi, I'm so sorry you are having a hard time being a military wife. My husband and I have been married almost ten years and we have moved four times because of the military. It can be difficult. My husband was in before I met him, and unlike you, I did sign up for it, but I still didn't realize what I was really signing up for. It is a huge sacrifice on so many levels. On the upside, I am extremely good a making friends and networking now. I've seen and done things I may have never had the chance to see and do and the military has paid for it all. I always get in sorta a "funk" when we move to a new place. I'm sad for everyone I've had to leave and it is hard to reach out when you are heartbroken, but I always do reach out. I have to! I've met great people all across the country. If you can open yourself up, you will realize that great people are everywhere. I have been so blessed to leave every place having gained a lifelong friendship. I wish the same for you. The easiest way for me to meet people is just to do what I do with the kids and look for people I see a common ground with. For instance, library story time or the playground can be great places to meet other moms. Look for a mom who is not with a "Clique" and reach out to her. Join a MOMs or Mops program. Surround yourself with positive people who do not complain as a habit. Often not hanging out with other military moms is best. This sounds strange , but I find that it is better to not be around complaining people because it encourages me to complain too. That is not what any of us need! Stay positive and you will attract positive people who bring you UP and help you feel good! Best wishes :) and hang in there.

Felicia - posted on 02/25/2010

I agree :) It's really hard. I posted a status a few weeks ago saying I'm just not cut out to be a military wife...I am WAY family oriented and miss my family alot...and I don't want my husband to miss sections or our daughter's life. (He will be missing her walk and her first birthday)

And I got the same response from my military friends "You knew what you were getting into when you married him" "Your husband is supposed to be your support system now"

First of all...I didn't know what I was getting into...I'm from a place that isn't anywhere around a military town. I didn't know how the lifestyle really was.

And how is my husband supposed to be my whole support system..especially when he isn't always here?

I think I would be ok if we could be close to family...the rest of it wouldn't be so hard.

Frankie - posted on 02/24/2010

i completely agree my hubby left for bootcamp 16days after we got married i didnt want him to but i wasnt going to stop him cause then he might have resented me down the road for it i keep seeing these signs that say we dont only recruit the marine but we also recuit the family my husbands recuiter was an ass and i finally told him that if i wasnt pregnant that i would kick the crap out of him pretty much everyone ive met that is suppost to be a leader and setting an example has been an idiot this is our first deployment and it sucks i dont hate being away from family and friends i think it is keeping our marriage strong and lasting no drama or opinions from people who think were crazy for dealing with each other i have 2 kids under 2yrs old and yeah i dont really have friends out here at camp lejeune but i am enjoying my peaceful stress free life my husband is my best friend and if i need a break from that well then ill take my alone time

Gina - posted on 02/14/2010

ABSOLUTELY!! I did not know what I was getting into either. I HATE this life but, stuck in it because we move so much I am unable to secure work. So, needless to say I am alone ALL the time too. Really dont have ANYTHING in common with the vvives and would like nothing more to move back to Tampa with my friends and family and settle down, get a job, and be stable.

Ladonna - posted on 02/14/2010

I married my husband when I was 18 years old. I had no idea what being married to a military man was going to be like. It is a hard, but wonderful life. You need to get out and meet people, first of all you need to loose the attitude! You are acting like you had no input on your husbands decision to return to the Marine Corps. If that is the case, then this is about more than the military lifestyle. It is hard but a wonderful life. By the way, my husband just retired after 27 years. He went from an E1 all the way to an O4 and I believe that I was a big part in his success and am very proud of both of us. Take charge of your life and quit whinning!

Lisa - posted on 02/14/2010

I have a hard time with the times my hubby has to be gone also. It's not easy. I knew that, but I think when you realize how often they are gone, it kind of shocks you. You can prepare yourself all you want, but it doesn't always help. I think if wives are "tired" of hearing how we're upset or sad or lonely, then *don't read the post*!! Just as much as you say you're tired of hearing the "complaining", they're tired of trying to find support and getting only negativity from people who think they need to put them down.



Let's be adults about this, ladies. I try to be as hardened to the loneliness as I can, but I'm not made of steel. I have my moments where I miss my family, my friends back home, etc. And it's not easy. But don't bag on me because of it. No one is perfect and I think more than a few people need to remember that!



Kristi, I agree with your post. For many reasons. For now, my husband has been with me since sept of 07. I am SO thankful for that. It's allowed him to be in our son's life since his birth. He's a year and a half now. When the time comes for him to be gone, it's going to be insanely difficult. And the first person who comes down on me for being sad is going to get an earful!

Yvonne - posted on 02/12/2010

So I posted a reply on another question and pretty much was zipped up real quick how about that? I feel your pain and of course I was zipped up for saying what i have lived by someone who has no clue who I am. Honey I feel your pain I vowed to not get involved with military and went against that and then 9 months later 9/11 happened and that was the end of life as I knew it. I am under the impression the base life is much different than civilian life. When you are moved from your family it makes deployments hard I can relate. My advice would be to have friends outside and inside the base so you get a good mix of what life is about on base and in the city you live in. I am 250 miles from all friends and family and found it very hard to have my fiance away in a dangerous situation but, plug along and keep your chin up surround yourself with good people and if anyone tells you not to think and feel the way you do you are entitle to your feelings don't let them make you feel bad for feeling lonely it happens to the best of us and if you are shy like me it makes it that much more difficult to adapt without a group of trusted girlfriends and family. I will have to add that this topic is a less sore subject matter than the do military husbands cheat in a nut shell any husband can cheat and is a mute point. You guys are great! keep up the good work ladies!

Rachelle - posted on 02/12/2010

wow....what a fire storm for comments! For the most part, Shannon, I agree with you. But if your tactics offend, your message will be wasted. So maybe consider a little more tact and you might be more successful?

Kristi, your situation is unfortunate and probably not typical for most military wives. Your committment to your marriage vows are admirable and JUST what your husband needs to do his job well. MY adivce and opinion....given that you ARE a military wife, stay focused on the positive side of things. I too do not enjoy raising our 3 boys, 7, 6, and 3, essentially by myself...nor do I enjoy being on the other side of the continent from my family and so many friends all over the countyr. BUT the flip side is that I've had the privilege of getting to know many places and people AND my boys have a dad that does a job that the vast majority of civilians could never do....who do not have a fraction of the work ethic and comittment that's required to do his job. So rather than allow them to feel cheated, I teach them to feel privileged to be their dad's sons. I too was more of a peace, not war kind of gal...still am, but that only works if both sides agree to that mentality. Also, my career is basically gone...I was a teacher and school psychologist....but that's not a good profession when you're the primary parent and always moving. So I'm home for now. I DO sometimes wish for the comforts and stability that civilians enjoy, but I also feel sad for them that they'll never know the pride I feel for my husband...nor will they have the opportunities that we've had to live in and get know this country the way we have. I certianly do know where I DON'T want to live. :) Smile, I SUPPORT YOU! Good luck!

Suzette - posted on 02/10/2010

@Chantel, wow… that was a little uncalled for don’t you think? I don’t always LOVE the fact that my husband has to stay late at times, I don’t love the fact that we get calls at o’dark thirty, and, at times, I piss n moan to my mom about post housing and maintenance, not to mention other minor things that, I know, won’t be bothering me when the conversation is over. In other words, I just need to get it off my chest. But wait… because of that… does that mean that I should get a damn divorce because I don’t always LOVE the fact that the Army is in my life? What kind of world did you grow up in where divorce is the answer? Marriage vows are to be taken seriously, even if it’s rough, you have to put your big girl panties on and keep on keeping on. Not just say, “well divorce is always there, I can just sign that paper and be done with it.”
As far as FRG’s being for whiny wives who need the extra support… I’m not sure what kind of FRG you are involved in, but that’s not the FRG that I have. My FRG is not the greatest, don’t get me wrong… in fact, I think it could use some improvement in some areas, but it’s not for “those who are whiny and need the extra support.” It’s for information and support, whatever kind of FRG you have obviously needs more improvement than mine does! Sorry, what you said about divorce as an option, that was uncalled for. All advice is free to be given, but wow, talk about just being flat out rude.

Suzette - posted on 02/10/2010

@Anna, I don’t agree with everything that Uncle Sam does either. Hell, I have one hell of a problem with CIC right now and a whole lot of the crap that the Administration is trying to do. But that’s really off topic. It doesn’t mean I’m not proud of my husband OR the military for that matter. There is a difference of being proud of the military (who fight for our freedoms) and the government. Those who can’t see that, well they need help. It’s one thing to say that it’s just not for you anymore and that you need to move on… it’s another thing for a person to come off like they’re bashing the military, and simply put, whining about their life when they agreed to come into it.

Suzette - posted on 02/10/2010

Wow, all this back and forth HS bull is asinine. First of all, I agree with Shannon. The military way of life is a lot different than any other. Whether you expected what you got or not, you did sign up for it. You chose to follow him when he reenlisted, in my book that means you signed up for it.

Kristi, the statement you made, "I am a peace not war kind of person and did not want to be one of those wives that had to deal with the government or any military." Almost every soldier I've known (minus the new ones who sign up to "blow up some raghead") are in this for PEACE. Just about every military wife I've known, they're in this for peace, they don't walk around promoting war. I sure as hell don't. If you didn't want to be one of those wives that had to deal with the government or any military, I'm a little confused as to why you agreed with your husband on the reenlistment. It makes no sense to me... I would've gone kicking and screaming if I were in your shoes and had that personality. Maybe you didn’t know exactly what you were getting into, most of us don’t know exactly what we’re getting into. I asked my hubby a lot of questions, I got a lot of information from him about a lot of things. I said yes to him before I did all that, but I still got the information. Marriage is hard regardless of what type of lifestyle you have. You can have friendship and support from others… you just have to look. Being negative isn’t going to help you though. Being depressed about your life long friends and family in another state… definitely won’t help. I talk to my mother every day, our relationship is actually better now than it ever was before. I’ve made new friends here in the short time we’ve been living on post, and they’re extremely supportive.

Like Shannon said though, if you’re looking at things with a negative view, it won’t help you or your family. It definitely won’t help your husband. He needs to come home and know that you’re supportive, even if you don’t like the lifestyle. I married into the military. My husband has already served 12 years, he’s going to retirement. He’s done 2 tours to Iraq so far, been overseas already, so I’m not going to get to experience that part with him (unfortunately) unless we get PCS’d to Hawaii or Alaska, I’m not going outside of the 48 contiguous States most likely. I say, oh well. I didn’t marry him for those reasons, though it would’ve been awesome. :)

I married my husband because he’s my best friend, my lover, my confidant… and my hero. I am proud of him for everything he does, and I will support him regardless of whether he’s right next to me or he’s serving a tour in Iraq or Afghanistan. We’re currently expecting our first child and, thankfully, he’s not deployed or being called for deployment. If he were, I’d deal with it.

Kristi, there are options to make things easier for you. Others have suggested playdates, playgrous, etc. Get involved in what’s going on in the community, make friends at the different activities that are on post. It isn’t difficult to do, I’m friends with a lot of the women where my husband works, granted I don’t see them that often, but we talk. I have a neighbor that I’m pretty good friends with as well. And, if you’re having trouble learning more about the military, go to militaryonesource.com You can select your branch there and they have different options, including training for wives. It helps you learn a LOT about the different branches. (Hopefully I got the site right, I have it saved on my computer but it’s for the Army… I doubt that’ll help you with the Marine’s.) :)
Hopefully you get through this, it’s tough but it is worth it!

Kristi - posted on 02/10/2010

I am sorry to hear that your hubby changed his mind and got back in. I know that must be tough. I really wish he could have understood how strongly you felt about it and maybe could have found another job that would be more conducive to the lifestyle you had planned on. But now that you are "stuck", you should try to do your best to get through it. It is hard at times, but look at it like a journey, a life experience. Get into a playgroup or a moms group and be active. Dont sit around and pout and wish for things to be different, you will be miserable. And stop reading all the negativity out there, that surely wont help you. Best wishes :)

Dawn - posted on 02/09/2010

WOW! I am a Marine Brat, an USAF Vet, and now an USAF wife. My husband has been faithfully serving for 17 years. He has been deployed more then half of our 14 years marriage. He left for Saudi 12 days after our youngest child was born. Has it been easy? No. Have we liked all of his duty stations? No. Have we liked all of the clinics, the housing, or the rules? No. But I am greatful for all the wonderful places we have been, all of the wonderful friends I have made. I feel sympathy for those Wifes who cannot brace the good and push the bad aside. Life is what you make of it. For those who say you didnt know what you were getting into, well no one really knows until you live it. No one Military experience is the same. Embrace the good Ladies! I love my husband, my children and my country and I would not trade one struggle I have had. I am a Stronger Women for it!

Monica - posted on 02/06/2010

i do think in a way we all kind of knew that it was going to be difficult but i dont think any of us really knew how difficult it was going to be! i myself am an army wife and i know that i didnt know it was going to be as it is. i did not come from a military backgrounded family but i was with my husband for 6 years before we got married and i wasnt going to let the army take him away! i do "bitch" about being an army wife and sometimes i do wish my husband would just get out but it has been his drean since we were younger to get into the service and so i just deal with it! its not easy to go months with out him or a year with out him and i do hate a lot of the things the army does but i am only one person so if "bitching" is all i can do then guess what thats what i am doing! dont get me wrong it does to an extent have some advantages i mean when i am with my husband people do look at you with a little more respect but i dont care about all of that. i married my husband after he joined to army BUT we were together WAY before and i had NO clue what i was getting into. i didnt know what everything was going to be like i had no idea that it was going to be like it is!

Beth - posted on 02/06/2010

This back and forth crap is exactly why I don't live on base.
Nope being a military wife isn't fun. Most of us didn't do it for the "fun" We do it to support of husbands and we love our country. yeah being alone sucks, well make some friends. Go home during long deployments , you won't be raising your child alone. I'm been a military wife for 10 years, and before that I was in the military. It does get easier. You go to church, you make friends, you sit and vent.
And contray to popular belief we don't like war. We DO support our husbands.
You need to look at the bigger picture.
You could be married to a business man that's always on the road, have 5 kids and raising them by yourself because your salesman husband has territory that streaches to 3 states over in each direction and he's just doing it for the pay.
At least you are married to someone who's purpose for being away is a bit more noble.
Most of us hate being alone.
What you want is someone to hold you hand , pat your back and say , "aww poor baby, it so aweful and it's not fair." Well sorry to tell ya but we've all been there and survived , and in the end after a few deployments it gets to the point of the only way you do get through it is to keep yourself busy , and "suck it up and drive on"
We all count the days until they get home.
We all hate having to move every couple of years. By the time my daughter turned 6 she'd lived in more states than years she'd been alive. Now they have a every two or 3 year rule on PCSing. I've been screwed every way you can think of by the military.
For whatever story you have you'll always find another wife that has one that twice as worse. Which is why you aren't going to find alot of sympathy.

Sandy - posted on 02/06/2010

As a military wife, you don't have to follow your active duty husband to his duty station. You can go where ever you want. However, you do choose to support him or not. If you do choose to support his job/career, then it's up to you to keep a positive attitude. Seek out wives who have adapted well and learn from them. Your life will seem less hopeless when you find the positives. When you're miserable, your husband will notice. No one wants to be around someone who is so miserable for long... even your loved ones.

The military has many programs to help family members adjust to military family life. Military One Source can be very helpful. If you're a religious person, the base/post chapel is a good resource also.

Barbara - posted on 02/06/2010

Marie...I think the thing to keep in mind in your situation is that nobody acclimates into the military overnight. You didn't mention your hubby's rank, but it is almost a universal truth that LCpl's (E-3) and below hate life and start counting the days until they can get out. It's practically a right of passage. I realize I'm totally generalizing and am certain there are exceptions...but having been married to a Marine since his teenage boot camp days and over 13+ years since...it's a scenario I've seen repeated over and over. Many junior enlisted are unhappy at first. I can't tell you how many now confirmed lifer Marines I know who were junior Marines that swore it would be a cold day in hades before they ever reenlisted.

But as miserable as your hubby might be right now, it will almost undoubtedly get better. Life as a non-NCO has a lot of potential to suck... rank has it's privileges, and that means if there is a dirty, crappy, or otherwise undesirable job that needs to be done...guess who is going to do it? It's "LCpl So-and-So, take out the trash", and "LCpl So-and-So, sweep the floor", and so on... They take a lot of crap and have very little to no authority to say or do anything about it. But by the time they become Cpl's, and especially Sgt's and above, it's a whole different ball game. That's the point they really start to see what it's all about and whether the military is right for them.

So I guess the point of all of this is just not to lose hope and think the way you/he feel right now is what it's all about forever and ever more. It isn't. It's just what being a junior Marine is about, and it will get better. Hang in there!!!

P.S. It isn't just service members who take time to grow into the life. It's the same for wives. If you stick around for a few years, you'll see the poster child for maladjusted wives grow into the president of the spouse club. There is hope for everyone. :)

Pam - posted on 02/06/2010

I never thought I would be a military spouse until I met my husband who into 6months of our relationship decided to join the airforce since he was looking into the future. He tried the school thing for about 3 years it just wasnt for him. We discussed it and realized it was the best thing for him. I realized the life that I would have to live now and started to prepare myself. I knew it would be difficult and I did not ask for this but I love my husband and knew that if I wanted to be with him I would have to live a military life. Now we are not in this for life my husband is getting out as soon as his contract is up and we can keep our benefits and stuff like that. I am not going to lie it is hard but I know what my husband has given up for us to have the life that we have. I can stay home with our son and I wouldnt be able to if he didnt join. I get through the rough days when I am having them thinking that I did not ask for this and what all I have given up to be with my husband by reminding myself that we have great healthcare benefits and a nice pay check with the economy how bad it is now at least my husband has job secruity. It sucks this life and you have to be strong to live it. You are allowed to have your week moments and think that you did not ask for this but just remember how bad the economy is and that your spouse may it be a sucky lifestyle has a job with great healthcare and stablity. Trust me I know it sucks being alone I was alone through my whole pregnancy and when I had our son my husband was not there he did not get to see him till he was a month old and that was for only 2 weeks and then we were apart for another month and finally together for good when my son was 2 in a half months old. It sucked but it is the scarfices my husband and I need to make for us to have the income and healthcare and for me to able to stay home with our son. It sucks when he goes away and I am left alone to take care of our son but it is not going to be for ever and we cherish the time that he is home. I understand about venting and I dont want to be rude but just remember how bad it is in the economy today people losing their jobs left and right I have two friends husbands that just lost their jobs and are worried because they dont know what they are going to do since no one is hiring right now especially where I am originally from which is Michigan. I was once told by another wife that the military does not only own your husband but it also owns the family as well. It sucks but it is true but like I said this lifestyle sucks but it could be worse. My husband could be back in Michigan with no job or his healthcare benefits are cut or has none due to his job or his pay is cut and we are worrying about how to make ends meet. I also would like to say not judging at all so no one please take this the wrong way I am 26 almost 27 and can handle this lifestyle but I think if I was younger like in my early 20s I would not be able to handle this as much as I can now. I think there are alot of young military wives out there and that is why we hear alot of them not being able to handle it. I am not trying to be rude just trying to say that it is a hard lifestyle to live and being in your early 20s or just starting out being a military wife is very hard and then being married and not having your husbands support is just alot to take. So please people who are not being nice to others who want to vent about this lifestyle instead of saying rude things give them advice especially if you have been in this lifestyle a long time. It does get easier but for everyone it is at different times some will take not very long and then there are others that it never gets easier. Just remember you are not alone and everyone has sometime or another has said I did not ask for this lifestyle.

Donna - posted on 02/06/2010

No job is easy.. but your husband choice to fight for his country and you should be prooud and support this decision.. you dont have to be alone .... get a job, meet people make friends.. join your family support group.take classes,etc there are a lot of things you can get involved with that will make deployments go by faster.. if you just sit home and be sorry for your self it will be an awful time for you...I am not coming down on you.. I did it to with 4 children.... you are not alone there are other wifesdealing with the same situation.. for your child and your husband you just have to learn to deal with it.. no it is not always easy but it is not always hard.. my husband has been active duty for nearly 30 years...I dont think any one wants their spouse to go off to war....but that is their job .... to defend us and they do a great job that we need to be proud of and support them for choosing this career...

Misty - posted on 02/06/2010

I have been a navy wife for a very long time,and I did know what was in store,but unfortunately we didn't receive boot camp on being a military wife,so we learn from each other.If anyone complains to me about their situation,would I ignore them?No because I have been in her shoes,why must me bash other wives for how they are feeling,who are we kidding it is a hard way of life some deal with it better then others,so do we turn our backs to those who need us most?

Ashley - posted on 02/06/2010

It is definately not easy... I kno just how u feel... Although I knew what I was getting into I didnt kno it would be this hard... Especially when u have children... Its so hard to be away from family and friends and I feel like its almost impossible to meet new ppl and make new friends... I recently found out that my husband might have to go out on delpoyment for 6 months starting in May... Which means that he will miss our daughters first words, first steps, and her first birthday... It beaks my heart but we just have to stay strong!

Cheri - posted on 02/05/2010

Kristi,

I am sorry that you are having a rough go and being a military spouse and new mother. I cannot relate to your situation, as I tend to be one of those spouses that agree with the saying that we married into the military. I dated a Marine once we had a son together and things didn't work out. I met my husband we dated for a year, got married and got pregnant with our youngest son. My husband is in the Navy but he is currently doing a tour with Marines here in AZ. My husband and I have a pretty open line of communication, it helped that I was already aware of what to expect of a life in the military, from my previous relationship. It made it a little easier to accept when I married my husband. But again, this is my own situation. Not yours.

Have you given any thought to moving back home to be near your family? I don't know if this is an option for you and your child, or if it is something that your husband will support. But maybe you can look into that option till he returns?

There is also the option of having friends or family come visit with you for awhile if they are up to it. Have you made any friends on base?

I encourage you to get in touch with your husbands' command family readiness officer. They should be better equipped to point you in the right direction. I want to say that you may be able to get more informartion on counseling and the like from MCCS (Marine Corps Community Services) or even Military One Source website. You can get counseling referrals or even counseling services from the website or by phone. Having someone to speak to is a great start.

I would also suggest joining play date groups and the like. If you have an account with cafe mom, try looking for a group in your area. There are a ton of military spouse with kids group there and here. I hope you can find friendship and a shoulder to confide in, in your area. If not, add me. I'll be more than happy to be a friend. Semper Fi!

Krystal - posted on 02/05/2010

Well, after reading all this I believe its gotten way out of hand and that the Administrator should shut this down asap.. Allow no more post to be made on this subject....

Shannon - posted on 02/05/2010

If your FRG's suck, and "are breeding grounds for cheaters", turn that info in to your husbands company commander, let them know you deserve more and better. I've seen all manner of FRG's, even tried running some, and you always have those spouses who refuse to get involved, want to label it as bad, paint it with the same brush stroke as another that was bad, but then become a problem because they need help and go to everyone BUT the FRG or Rear-D. If you want change, exact the change, don't expect anyone else to do it for you. No one knows your situation better than you, and others within your own unit are feeling the same affects as you, so hit the ground running and support eachother. I've heard enough bashing of the senior NCO's wives around here, they are the best resources for information because they have been around a long time and know the system. They have their networks of people to go through to get the answer if they don't have it, and they don't get shooed away by any military entities for coming in to get answers because of their husbands ranks. (yes, a certain level of respect befalls them for that) Utilize them. If they don't help you, have your soldier go to their husband and talk mano e mano with him.



EVERYONE is entitled to their opinion around here. I am getting sick and tired of certain people taking offense to what is said and telling others to leave. YOU DON'T HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO SAY THAT TO OTHERS. If you don't like what someone has said, or think it went overboard, ignore it. We aren't in HS anymore, we aren't big bad asses that will kick someone's butt for being bitchy, so stop the drama. I'm not afraid of you, you aren;t afraid of me, and respect works BOTH WAYS. You cannot expect respect if you turn around and tell everyone off for their advice or thoughts. At some point people need to grow up, put on the big girl panties, and live their lives the best way they know how. Not everyone is going to agree, I'm sure we can see that within our own families, so why expect perfect strangers to tow the line 100%?



Support comes in all shapes and forms. Accept it, don't accept it and ignore it. No divorce should not be an option just because you dislike the Army life, I was surprised at that one myself. No someone should NOT be told to get off the boards because they didn't say what you wanted to hear, jiminy crickets. We are a bunch of military wives who cannot even seem to understand the concept of free speech, what does that say to everyone? I know it tells me there's still a lot of learning left to do if the basics cannot be accomplished.

Anna - posted on 02/05/2010

Ladies it is difficult enough to live life the best you can, but to scrutinize people and their opinions or their way of venting is not the way to go. We all have our problems with military life wether it be mild or severe, but we need to support one another not battle eachother. Leave that for our husbands to do. I have had my share of FRG supporters and seeing how it didn't work for me but worked for others. I have also seen my share of good families go through divorce because of military life. We don't live their lives. We don't walk in their shoes and we don't know all their circumstances, but what we as human beings can do is be supportive of one another. I would hope that the women who read these posts can see that there is some support out there and that they might feel free to verbalize what they need to to help them get along. Everyone deserves to just vent, as I said before sometimes it just takes an ear to hear. Remember FRG is just one source of support. There are many resources out there.

Stacey - posted on 02/05/2010

Well - in your situation I can see where you are coming from. And a lot of other wives too. The recruiter can sometimes tell you what you want to hear. Bases are great, pay is great, training is minimal and yada yada. The husband can make life seem sweet. For marine wives life is sometimes harder. Bases are fewer and smaller sometimes and the training schedule can be REALLY hectic depending on MOS. Some wives aren't very supportive. I am sorry your experience has sucked. Some wives love it, volunteer in everything and really are a part of things. Some never leave the house. I am in between. I support my husband. Won't love every base we live at and so on, but sometimes you just have to make the best of it! I hope it gets better!

Elizabette - posted on 02/05/2010

I agree I don't think we should keep our mouths shut about the hard times we face...I support my husband 100% with his job, but I never thought it would be as hard as it is. When we were dating I didn't mind his absent-ness but now we have a family and he misses out on so much! So some days are eaiser than others but on those tuff days I think it is appropriate to vent and look for support through others. Keep strong mama!

Jordan - posted on 02/05/2010

I am sorry if I offended, Taryn. I just can't believe that a woman was told to divorce her spouse because of her situation... It rubs me the wrong way.

Taryn - posted on 02/05/2010

WOW! Note to self - don't post anything on circle of moms unless you want to be talked down to, called names, or blasted for having a situation that others can't relate to by people who feel they are "holier than thou" for being so stupendous at handling tough situations in their lives. Didn't know that going through a rough time and struggling equated to wanting terrorists to take over the world or for a war to be fought in my hometown. Didn't know that expressing frustration equated to being whiney. Didn't know that support equated to telling someone to suck it up or get a divorce. I guess I misjudged the aim of the site and now that I know, will seek out the advice and input of supportive women elsewhere. (preparing for the backlash that will come for having a different opinion and daring to express it............)

Jordan - posted on 02/05/2010

Divorce because you don't care for the fact that your spouse is in the military? Are you serious? Did you take your vows as an oath under God? Do you even know what you SAID in your vows? That was beyond nasty. I am sorry, but as a wife to a special missions soldier, sometimes it is hard to FIND THE GOOD as you put it. When my spouse is in Afghanistan, as he is 3-4 times a year, and I am on the phone with him and I HEAR the mortar coming in to land, WTF. Am I going to sit and say, Oh! I don't like that!!! I am going to Divorce my spouse! Get over yourself. Sorry but you just royally teed me off. Some of us meant our vows.



I am a very 'Glass half Full" kind of person that just happens to know Kristi personally. Her situation is one that not everyone is in. The FRG at that duty station sucks ass. They don't support their spouse and it is nothing but a breeding zone for cheaters. Get over yourself or get off this post.

Kristi - posted on 02/05/2010

Chantel, Have you ever heard of marriage vows???? Just because I dont like the situation I am in, does not mean I will divorce my husband. I also have a very shitty FRG. If you dont have something positive to say that is one thing but when you start calling names that is another.

Chantel - posted on 02/04/2010

hahahahaha ~ Arielle, I'm not sure which side you are on.... are you telling me or her that you wouldn't post for everyone and to keep it to our self?? either way, when something is posted you have to be ready and able to accept all replies. I LOVE being an Army wife, I have accepted our situation and as much as I don't love my husband being away from home, I would rather him fight this war on someone elses' turf not on the US soil!!! one way or another there's going to be a war ~ the true question is do you want it HERE or THERE?!?!?! either way our guys will be busy with the war and we will still be here doing the same thing.... soooooo find the good or get out!! also I hear they have FRG's (family readiness groups) for those who are whiny and need the extra support.

Arielle - posted on 02/04/2010

yes i agree Chantel ,but i under stand both sides.i was an army brat and now i am an army wife.i love it and knew what i was getting myself into. yes it is hard and there maybe be things that i dont agree with or dislike about the army sumtimes, but i wouldnt post it up for every1 to see. you should have just kept it to you and your friends at home. all i can say is learn to love it or or keep it to your self

Chantel - posted on 02/04/2010

There is a thing called divorce. I'm not bashing, I'm simply saying that you have CHOICES and so far you have chosen to live the military life. When your marine rejoined you made the choice to love him and stay with him, great ~ so deal with it and move on. Being a military wife is GREAT and if it's not for you then get out. Get MSN Messenger and a web-cam and you can see your family and friends that are far from you. I have 4 kids between the ages of 4 and 9 and my husband has been gone with the military since the baby was 2 DAYS old with short home visits that last no longer then 3 weeks at a time (we have had a total of less then 6 months together in the last 4 years), but we have also had GREAT medical, dental, and pay. Because of the benefits I have been able to be a stay home mom and dedicate my time and attention to my kids both at home and at their school. If you are going to continue this life you need to start looking at the positive side of this, and stop thinking negatively. Depending on the deployments and stations you have a chance to see the world and to give your child something that many children never even dream of ~ the world. You may think of this as bashing but others see this as a dose of reality. If you didn't ask for this and you "hate" it then get out of it.

Heather - posted on 02/04/2010

As someone who knew from the very beginning that I was getting involved in the military way of life when I met my husband, I can understand your pain. Try to keep in mind that even though it is one of the hardest things you will ever have to cope with, the other military wives on base and around the world are going through the same thing. Our men love us but also chose to have the responsibility of the military. My husband is quickly moving up in rank and the higher he goes the less I see him. Plus he has been deployed 3 years out of the past 4. I know exactly how you feel, if you need anything dont hesitate to contact me. I have the responsibility of helping most of the other military wives on base here (considering my husband is the only nco on base, I have been nominated to help the lower ranking wives)

Ashley-Roze - posted on 02/04/2010

Amen !!!

Ashley-Roze - posted on 02/04/2010

I understand and agree. We should not be critizing others, but supporting. Weather you choose to be a military wife or not it is hard.

Shannon - posted on 02/04/2010

Amen Diana! You do have to make everywhere your home. You cannot live somewhere, for 1 year-2 years-3 years as a transient. You have to set roots, and make the best of it, look at your cup as half full. If we all continually looked at the negatives, that is all we would see.

Diana - posted on 02/04/2010

After growing up an army brat and now being a military spouse for 28 years I know living this lifestyle is difficult. Yet, if not careful, discouragement and frustration can become a magnet for more and pretty soon we're overwhelmed with the weight of everything and find very little to look forward to. I know wherever we've moved that I need to make it our home. That knowledge holds the key to finding new friends, activities to do, places to go. I can't live in the past and certainly do not know for sure what the future will hold, but I can make today different than yesterday because I have choices. For me I know that my knowledge that God has a good purpose for where I am and where I am living helps me to know that when I'm lonely or overwhelmed I am not the only one facing the hardships or that I can find comfort through His help. Each job or place that we live has challenges, but also with consistent determination blessings can be found too.

Katie - posted on 02/04/2010

Wow.... You all are very oppinionated aren't you? Well, here's mine.... Every person is different. We deal with stress, frustration, anger, lonliness, happiness, sadness, and every other emotion differently. We also express those emotions differently and there are so many variables that go along with them. I am an AF wife, have 4 kids, and I couldn't be happier with things RIGHT NOW. My husband is home and working on base making good money and I have the luxury of being at home with the kids nad in school f/t. Now if he were to deploy, that adds so many variables to my situation and the lonliness, frustration, and all of that would kick in. Is being a single mom part of the time what I wanted for myself or my kids? no... Did I envision talking to my husband via emails and him tucking in out kids via webcam? Not so much... Do I enjoy my kids crying because they miss their daddy? Absolutely not, it breaks my heart. Do I love him enough to want him to be happy? YES! He would never do anything that would stress me out so much that I would throw in the towel and say i'm done with this. I don't like the war, but you know what? We didn't fly our own planes into the WTC starting this crap and someone has to defend our country. I am proud that my husband is serving and plans to serve until retirement. BUT, when he is deployed, I do get a little bitter and stressed. The fact of the matter is you DID and DO choose this lifestyle. You do it because you are in love whether the military was involved before or after that happened... and if that isn't enough, then I guess you are the statistic that makes the military divorce rate so high. And to another posting about not thinking it's fair to a child to have their mom or dad only home sometimes... The military is not the only career that requires you to travel for long periods or frequently.Truck drivers do it, business men/women do it, sales people do it.... Heck, commercial pilots and flight attendants do it. If you don't have anything nice to say to the people you should be supporting the most because they understand you the most, don't bother because when they are desperate for light and help, they are already in a frustrated and upset place (we've all been there!) and you are only making it worse. Just my thoughts. God bless!

Jamie - posted on 02/04/2010

i agree with you 100% and that is why I don't post anything on here anymore, I posted 1 question just asking what other wives have done with there babies during deployments to keep busy, although a lot of the posts were helpful, I did get several rude posts saying how I am being selfish and not considering that my husband has it harder than I do and many more things. It upset me that the people who are supposed to understand are the people I can't even go to for advice. And yes, I did know that marrying someone in the military meant I would be spending a lot of time alone, but it still dosn't change how hard it is and how hard it is to raise a baby on your own, or the fact that you go months not sleeping because you are worried about your husband, I'm glad someone else see's this and it's not JUST ME! :)

Anna - posted on 02/04/2010

Kristi it is so humbling to hear you resonate the exact same feelings that I feel. I am a military wife, unlike you my husband was the weekend warrior only and I could deal with one weekend a month and 2 weeks out of the year but then 9-11 happened and well life changed as I knew it. My husband was called up to head to Iraq and thus began my true life as a military wife. It is hard in trying to keep a marriage and a family together, that there is no need for bickering and bad feelings among women who are going through the same thing you are. I admit I was one of those wives that was always" woe is me" but now 3 deployments later, 2 kids, and a husband who is fulltime AGR now, I have learned to deal. It is hard, never easy, and as anyone who needs support you would hope it is the other military wives that would be there for you. But unfortunately many other have their own dealings to deal with. I hope that your FRG and any other wives near are there to support you. We need that ear to listen, that shoulder to cry on, and that hand to hold on to whenever we can. If you are not able to get that remember there are people out there who dance to the beat of your drum and know where you are coming from. I hope you are at least are one of those wives, that if you don't recieve what you need as in support, then you are the one who is giving it to the next one. Because take it from someone who knows that as I gave support out, in returned it helped me ten fold. I have pretty much raised, and still raising, a 2 yo and and a 4 yo by myself. It is something that I had to accept and sacrafice. It is still a small price to pay compared to what sacrafices our husbands are having to do.

I wish you the best and if there is any time you need to vent you have a pair of ears here to listen. The best of luck to you and your family.

Jennifer - posted on 02/04/2010

In my opinion, the military has it's benefits and sacraficies as well. YES it is hard to be a Marine wife, I for one have delt with a lot of things over the years i have 3 children 2 of whom were born in Okinawa , Japan, 1 of those being born in Oki while my husband was in iraq. I get being hard, away from family, away from friends and anything that is familiar to you. I can not say that I knew what I was getting in to. NO ONE knows the military until you have been around for awhile. Trials are hard, that is how we learn and grow, how we share our experiences with other wives and how we help each other thru the hard times...Stop complaining about things wives and start living your life or it will pass you by, every deployment, every stupid late night your husband has to endure, be supportive of him and take in your surrondings and have fun. The military is great, how else can you travel and see the world. Our husbands work hard and so do we, no one said life is supposed to be easy. You get out of it what you put into it....

Kellyanne - posted on 02/04/2010

THanks for the information Shannon but yes my son is already in the EFMP, I already knew about all of that before I moved to Hell Paso. I already registerd for NAF months ago and I know all about the resume thing and how it picks up on key words here but it does not make a bit of difference here. Maybe it does where your stationed im not sure, but not here. And as far as me wanting to learn Spanish, I dont think I sould have to learn any other language to get a job in my own country, thats a boat load of crap! I know thats not what you were saying but I just im fed up with ppl saying learn spanish, WHAT FOR? Maybe ppl should learn english, how about that? Beleive me if i have an interview here and I feel im not gonna get that job due to the fact i dont speak spanish I will be the first person at the jag office the next morning, They cant do it. The problem is you cant even get interviews here with alot of places unless your bilingual which is crap. Ah well im not gonna bother going into it further its not worth it. Bottom line is yes as alot of the wives say we learn to deal with it eventually and I will just not quietly LOL!!

Jane - posted on 02/04/2010

As the child of a military parent, and as the wife of a military man (now a disabled vet who spends a lot of time in hospitals), I learned very early on to focus on the good in every day, and either ignore or fix the bad. The military offers a lot of opportunities to improve yourself, whether you are the person enlisted or a dependent. Search them out and take advantage of them! It will keep you busy but also improve your chances for employment and help you grow as a person.

As to the medical system - your best bet is to get to know several smart corpsmen. They have a way of finding loopholes and appointments when there don't seem to be any, and they also know which doctor and which PA are the best.

BTW, Bush the Younger was also pushing for charging dependents more for medical care and also cutting back care for veterans and retirees. And this was after he had started the second Gulf War and gotten us tied up in Iraq and Afghanistan. He was making more disabled vets and deployed service people, but wanting to do less to help them and their families.

Shannon - posted on 02/04/2010

Kellyanne,



You said a mouthful. You do know you can enroll in the EFMP program for your autistic child, and if there are not programs at the post designed to help your child, you can get a compassionate re-assignment, right? Have the hubby look into that. The military is struggling with doctors right now due to the war, so PA's have stepped up to take on a lot of the medical clinic issues, i.e seeing family members left behind. Since our healthcare is virtually free, there is a lot of abuse, so that is what makes it difficult to get an appointment. I'm sure everyone has seen it...Little Joe has a runny nose, so mom makes an appointment right away to see the doc, instead of treating the child at home. Add in retirees, and there's a whole lot of issues and no appointments. It's so bad the government has discussed (Obama) to charge us dependents for our care, and force us to take outside insurance, beause the fraud-waste-and abuse is so high. I don't think it will happen, because no one wants to sucker punch the military during the war, but...



I agree with you on the jobs thing, my advice is to take a NAF position, a step down from the GS level government jobs. The key to applying for government GS jobs is to use their code so your resume pops. That's how they do it. They stick all the resume's through, and certain key words ping, and those people are brought in for interviews. The trick is to cater your resume to the language they use in the job listing. The military is going to a degree must have mentality. The soldiers won't see higher ranks unless they have it, and spouses won't get lucky on the good jobs unless they have some. It's part and parcel to making the military more elite and ensuring they can keep up with the outside world once retired. You could talk with an education counselor about starting college courses, if you haven't done so yet. Pell grants are free, you don't have to pay those back. And you can take advantage of your husbands AKO email account. You can take language courses, for free, through Rosetta Stone. So if you wanted to learn Spanish, you could for free.



Hope that all helps...

Denise - posted on 02/04/2010

What I don't understand is the I did not ask for this, really who ask for any of the negative things that happen at any given moment. Every job military or otherwise has bad aspects to it, who likes or wants any of it, I know I don't. Yes the military life can be lonely, ruff and unforgiving, but it is a lifestyle. Some are more suited to it than others, but all of us have to adapt to it. Good or bad it is what it is. YOu have to be very selective what and who you want in your life, military women come from all walks of life and usually are thrown into situations that they are ill equiped or unable to handle, so support systems are there to help but not all of them are healthy or helpful to everyone. Some ppl have no compasion or look outside their own little world to be helpful to anyone so you have to help yourself. Try not to be so negative, try not to allow others to have control of your emotions or feelings about the military. Good luck, my hubby is a former Marine and when we discussed him going back in I was very happy he did not pick the Marines again, he is in the AGR program, Good Luck

Ariesa - posted on 02/04/2010

I'm a Army wife and I know how you feel I didn't ask for any of this. But remember it is your life now and don't let others make you feel bad. That means that you have to understand that they have the problem. And they aren't understanding that our husbands and wives are putting their life out there. Making sure they are having the life that they have now. You have to find something respectable to say to them, not to hurt their feelings. But they shouldn't make you feel bad either so keep your head up and we have to stick together. People talk or say something about things they know nothing about. Even if they did it still doesn't make it right.