I made a mistake and deployed DH is LIVID

Kendra - posted on 01/09/2012

I agree 100% with Rachel. I think you should have discussed buying a car with your husband before signing the dotted line. Its not like secretly buying a pair of new shoes. I think he would have been more understanding to your feelings in wanting a new car. Not to sound harsh, but do you work? Because helping with the car note could possibly help alleviate some of the stresses your husband is facing while being deployed. The only thing you can do at this moment is to continue trying to talk to him, he may get over it but just give it some time.

Rachel - posted on 11/01/2011

the bottom line is you are a family a team. what he does reflects on you and vice versa, the approach was wrong, you should've said hunny i found a more reliably car and not for much money, i have a buyer for mind i really want to go thru with purchase had it checked out by mechanic, please don't be made if you r after you drive it we can make a better and clearer decision if that will be ok with you.

Jessica - posted on 11/01/2011

I have to say from the sounds of it you put a lot of thought into this... This money is both of yours. I think he is over reacting, it might just be the stress of him being so far away that he feels helpless which makes it that much harder. I wouldn't want my husband driving around in a situation like that and he wouldn't want that for me and our kids either. I would think your husband wouldn't want you alone in that kind of situation either. If you haven't made these points to him than maybe it’s just that he thinks you just got tired of driving around an old car and bought yourself a new one while he is out there working hard, but that's not what it sounds like. Finances are a touchy subject in our home so I know how hard it can be talking about it. I also know what it's like to on the other side of that situation as my husband was ready to buy a new truck cash while we were in the middle of buying a house... I had to talk (force) him down from the ledge and he was so P’d at me, but later realized my reasons and thanks me now. Don't feel so guilty, its a car, you bought used, from the sounds of it you didn't go for name you probably went for quality if you put that much thought into it. So be confident in knowing that you are being very practical and he is going to have to loosen up the lease a little. If you are working, then he can't be that upset, if you’re not maybe take up something to help alleviate the stress a little. Good luck!

Marissa - posted on 10/26/2011

Does he have a vehicle u could have used?? I know how u feel my transmission went out (for a 2nd time) while my husband was deployed but instead of getting it fixed I just used his truck for the last 4 months he was away. Once he got home he decided not to fix my car and bought me a used truck (luckily it's a truck I wanted). If using his vehicle was not an option then I don't see how what u did was so wrong. I had the car decisions a little easier my husband was on skype with me everyday when he wasn't out on missions. So he was the one who suggested I use his truck and wait for him to return home to deal with the car (which I still owed money on). We had paid off all our debt right after he left overseas and all I had left o pay off was my car.

Jane - posted on 09/29/2011

I agree with Camille 100%.

Jennifer - posted on 09/29/2011

How would you feel if he came home and decided to buy something he really wanted after you two had discussed it and decided against it? It's the same principle he just happens to be deployed.

Camille - posted on 09/10/2011

I understand how you feel. I have been on both sides. I was once the soldier, now I am the spouse. Though not deployed, my DH is gone 260 out of 365 days a year. Somehow, even with that schedule we have managed to have 2 beautiful little girls. Now, with that being said, I think returning the SUV was a bad choice for you. Yes, you did it to smooth things out in your marriage. But now, you will be left with deep seated feelings of resentment. You will resent the fact that he can leave you in charge but doesn't trust your decision making skills and judgement. The first time that your vehicle breaks down, you will resent the fact that the only major decison you have made was rejected and you are left in this unsafe position. Believe me, I understand. I am in the exact same position right now. I have a 2002 SUV with 170K miles on it. It was the FIRST vehicle I purchased by myself for myself with my own money. It is facing 3K in repairs in the next month. I have, with my 2 girls, broken down and had to be towed 6 times in 6 months. I have funneled 3K into it in the last 6 months. BTW the blue book value is only 3K?!!!! So, I understand the reliability issue. My DH could turn chicken s**t into chicken salad when it comes to vehicles, but each time we broke down, he was TDY and couldn't do anything to help us. Did you know that most tow trucks can't accommodate a car seat, much less 2??? Yeah, so think about you and your boys' safety. We live in Jersey, Camden on one side Trenton on another, Philly on a third. Breaking down in any of these locations is risking life and limb. My point is your and your children's safety is paramount. Yes, he is in a wartime situation. Yes, he is stressed out. You are his sounding board and he is venting at you. I think that he was upset that you made this decision without him. But, you were doing what is best for your and your boys! How long do you have until the first snow. It's September now, and you are in the midwest. You don't have long. How many times do you have to break down or get stuck before you get fed up? You said it yourself, you don't have anyone close to help you. You need to take care of yourself and your family. I have read other's comments about you taking his focus off of the mission, but how focused will he be if he gets a red cross message? How much of the mission will he get accomplished if one those breakdowns turns deadly? You are a team. Each team has a head coach and an assistant coach. In absence of the head coach, the assistant coach takes charge. You did your research, you got a good price, you got a warranty. You did your math, you worked out the payment schedule. You did a GREAT job. Please don't second guess yourself. You are doing an amazing job. You are holding up the family and still working in his absence. I'll tell you, the first few times my DH left for more than a week, I was a mess. I didn't know how to be the one left behind, I was overwhelmed. But you are making things happen. I'm not saying disregard his feelings or wishes, I am saying do what is best for your family. Please get a reliable vehicle. Most men are like Napalm. The blow hot and burn bright for a few minutes, but their anger dies out quickly. In the end, he would agree, the family safety is paramount. You are the one left behind and holding the family together. He will get past the anger now. If something bad happened, could you get past the regret?

Tah - posted on 08/29/2011

Exactly Billie....

Billie - posted on 08/29/2011

The point is that she went behind her husband's back and did what he didn't want her to do. Instead of telling him ahead of time that this is what she was going to do, she blindsided him. And it's not like the car she had was currently broken down, it was running. You should never go behind your husband's back with anything unless it's a dire situation. Her having a running car, was not a dire situation where she had to go buy a new car after her husband clearly said he didn't want her to. He makes money, he's got a say in the finances just as much as her. A deployed spouse has to be able to trust and depend on their loved one at home, know that they'll make right choices in their absense. A betrayal of that trust is not only wrong, but the distraction could cost him his life in battle. It does sound harsh, but that's the reality of our lives.

Mary - posted on 08/28/2011

Your Hubby should want you to be in a safe car that is also going to be a reliable one. Money isnt everything. And I know that us Military families dont get paid the big bucks, either. I am a military wife myself, for over 15 yrs. I understand. There was a point where I had no car. And one of my kids fell and broke his arm. I didnt have a car to get him to the hospital. I was a Medical biller before I had all these kids, and I knew that if I called 911, I would get a huge bill that we just could not pay. my husband had to come home from work and get my son, take him to the hospital. I had 3 little ones at that time, so I remained at home for a while until a friend could help me with my other kids, and take me to the hospital. So I understand what it means to go with no car. Since then, I have gotten a car, and it has just been paid off this month (finally)! Hubby was not happy about a new car payment, but know what? He got over it. And the car is a good reliable one (a Mercury Mountaineer, like a Ford Explorer). He should also get over it, in due time. And while he is gone, you have limited or no communications, I would have done the same thing. Dont beat yourself up over it! You NEED A CAR!!!

Tah - posted on 08/27/2011

I guess it bothered me because I kinda see where it was all planned out to be deceptive..selling the old car, buying the new one....so the argument could be well, vie already sold the old one. I just don't like when service members are deployed and spouses do things that take away from their focus through deception, that's why I said the article was a "spin"..there was some truth in it, but the story we received was different, but the article kinda makes it seem like, o..he doesn't want change..he may be okay with some change, if it's done with honesty and with him, not in a deceptive way and against his wishes..

Melissa - posted on 08/27/2011

Returning the car was the right thing to do. I can't imagine how disrespected your husband must have felt when you went behind his back and did something you knew he would not have wanted. What I don't understand is why you didn't email him until right before you bought the car, if you had been shopping around for weeks? At least now you still have months to discuss the purchase together before it's snow season.

Tah - posted on 08/26/2011

so i just read your piece and i just want to say thats one way to look at it and certainly a good spin on it. Glad you returned it, now THAT was the right thing to do. Hope it will help him to begin to trust you again and releive some of the anger so he can focus on the task at hand.

User - posted on 08/25/2011

Ya know, I made the decision to return the car. It wasn't right of me to do it when I knew he really didn't want me to. Thankfully, the dealership was amazing about it all!

I am a writer for Minnesota Public Radio (National Public Radio) about being a soldiers wife. Here is my next commentary:
I am the wife of a deployed soldier and proud mommy to amazing boys. My life has had multiple twists and turns, jump-starts and dead-ends ... however, nothing could prepare me for how this war has disrupted our lives.

My husband is gone. He is overseas in a very remote area of Afghanistan. So remote that they have no running water for showers; instead using baby-wipes to clean themselves. There is a weak internet connection and no cell-phone service. WHAT? I had no idea that I was sending my husband off into the sunset armed with baby wipes and calling cards. Yet, this is what I did.

I wait not-so-patiently for any sign that he is okay. My phone rarely leaves my side and on the rare occasion that I hear the Mission Impossible theme, I know it's him. I shower with my phone propped up on the toilet; I sleep with my phone plugged-in next to me and the ringer on 'loud'; it is the first thing I look at when I wake-up and the last thing I check when falling asleep. My mom would say that I am acting the exact same as in my teen years.

I had NO clue it would be like this. Initially, when I had thought of going overseas to war, my vision was that he would be on a dusty base with multiple tv/game places, a huge cantina, guys telling fart jokes; plus a space that my husband could call his own for that period of time with pictures of us surrounding his bed. I'd seen M*A*S*H, so I knew what was up, right? Wrong. It's more like The Hurt Locker from what I understand, minus the Hollywood effects and fake blood. It's real blood, real emotion – humanity at its best and humankind at its worst.

We had equipped him with a computer that had an internal camera as well as got global-reaching phones all in the hopes of a late-night Skype session and a flurry of texting when able. We've not had one of those. Instead, I am very lucky if I get a phone call once a week and then, it's only from a public room where other soldiers are also waiting to call home. There's no privacy, no ability to cry, no way we can speak intimately ... it's just the hollow sound of his tired voice that is distracted by the others waiting behind him.

The few times we do chat, it's kept very-much on the surface of things. He can't tell me any specifics and I spare him from them at home. I've no one to process decisions with and therefore, made one of the dumbest moves when left to my own devices. I bought a car. A nice one ... without telling him. BIG mistake. He and I always talk about any major purchases prior to doing them, so I guess I'd thought that since he was gone and we so rarely talk, I would make the decision myself. Little did I know that it would throw him for a loop that was beyond my comprehension. I'm starting to understand why it upset him so much though. His life is unstable right now; he sees things that no one should ever have to see; hears promises and watches them break; he waits in long lines for a phone to call home ... so, when he heard of my purchase, he crumbled. When he thinks of home, he thinks of stability and love; peace and laughter – not new car, new furniture, new dog, etc. His home is his safe-place, his haven, and when that haven is threatened by a major change, it jars him and makes the stability go right out the window. I think I get it now. The incredible people at Tousley Ford (shout-out to Dan, the car-man) graciously took my beautiful, white cross-over vehicle back and still hugged me even after I left their keys on the desk. I walked out of there without a car, but with a firm belief that I had made the right decision on returning it. My independent side still bristles at the thought of doing something my spouse wants even when I don't, yet the main reason I gave it back was so he would feel that sense of normalcy while he is gone from home.


I wish I could say that nothing will change when he is away, but that is unrealistic. My aim is to have as little 'big' change as possible in order to give him a platform with which to decompress from war. I may buy some comfy new throw-pillows to support his weary head, but I have a feeling that pillows are a safer bet rather than the car.

I love you, K. I miss you so very much.

Billie - posted on 08/24/2011

Totally agree Tah

Tah - posted on 08/24/2011

I'll try to be nice..you say he didn't give a real answer, but he DID. He said he didn't want to finance anything and then you went and financed. So I can feel why he's upset. What's done is done, so hopefully you can get him to trust you again because that's the problem now. Yes, we do have to make choices without them all the time. I think this was a choice that could have waited another couple weeks for you to present the plan first, but Since you already knew he didn't want to finance, you did it anyway,that's what his issue is. Well maybe you can help pay it down or try to show him why it was in the best interest of the family and hopefully he will trust you again.

Michelle - posted on 08/23/2011

things come up sometimes during a deployment that need to be taken care of. eg, my mother had to put a new rof on the house when my dad went to desert storm. we couldn't just let the house flood, and within a few years, that when all those hurricannes were hitting NC (where we were staitioned at the time) it's just an example of some of the hard decesions we have to make sometimes when we are the ones left to take care of the home front. you made the best decision you could under the surcumstances. i understand why you feel so conflicted about this. and i understand why he is so upset. it's a hard position to be in. and i know you are worried about him everyday. i think you made the right decision. my husband (also active duty and deploys often) is great at working on cars. he can fix anyhing that goes wrong w/ them, but it still costs money to fix a broken car, and if he's not here to do it, i can't just sit by the side of the road until he gets back. when we have a family, we have to make a safe and smart decision for them. this was the right decision, i'm sure of it. since he makes a little extra money right now, while he is deployed, is there any way you can pay off alittle extra? pay down the principle so that you are not paying on it for so long? and maybe pay less intrest? he needs to trust you, and you need to show him that you can be trusted to make smart decisions. so show him what you are doing to save money. how you are planning for the future. how you have cut your costs in other places so that this car payment will be more managable. good luck honey.

Kristin - posted on 08/22/2011

The car is bought now, so now you need to run three sets of numbers. The first is the cost of keeping your old car. That financial analysis led you to the conclusion that due to the large number of costly repairs coming up it was cheaper to buy a new car than to keep the old one. So you bought a new car. Show him the numbers on that. Then, you need to run the numbers on what will happen if you return the car. Most cars lose value immediately once you drive them away. So if you return it or resell it you'll probably take a loss. Plus, you'll STILL need a car. So now you'll be desperation buying. Is there a way to get yourself another vehicle for cheaper than the one you just bought? If your husband is worried about the debt, provide him with a plan to get out of debt as soon as possible. Can you make cuts in other parts of your life, and throw that money at the car payment instead? Sell some things on Craig's List? Throw some money from savings at the car? Stop eating out? Cancel cable? Take another job?

I think your husband just feels very out of control at the moment and giving him a plan will make him feel more in control. Also, every time my husband deploys he becomes a complete jerk for a while. It's like he bottles up all his negative emotions and then takes out all his stress and frustrations and anger on me. I could say hi in the wrong tone of voice and he'll unleash the fury. So you might need to sit him down and get him to talk about other things too...maybe he has something else going on in his mind that was the real cause of the tirade, and you just gave him an excuse to vent. It sounds like he's in a tough spot and he doesn't have a lot of outside support because the communication sucks. So even just venting about how much being in a combat zone SUCKS might help. Or if there's a chaplain or someone there he can talk to that might help too.

Also, you should make him set up a plan for how he wants you to handle things like this in the future. Okay, so the way you handled it was not right. what is? You need a better plan that includes how to handle big decisions when communication sucks.

Jane - posted on 08/21/2011

Even better, love yourself!

User - posted on 08/21/2011

Oh Jane ... I love ya, girl. :)

Jane - posted on 08/21/2011

Why what is okay? His treating you like a child? You making a necessary decision on your own in his absence? The first is not okay, although possibly understandable because of the stress of where he is. The second is okay.

What weighs in the balance? A working car with a three-year warranty versus a 14 yo unreliable car with repairs pending? A wife who can take care of herself and the home front when necessary or a puppet that has to wait until hubby gets home eventually? It is okay for him to get mad, but it isn't okay for him to stay mad.

Is there something about that particular BMW that is special to your husband or is this just a control issue?

You said you talked to your pastor. Is there any way to get a chaplain to talk to your husband, with all of your background information, to help him see that you are doing what a military wife needs to do?

It's okay that you bought the car! You needed it. Your husband isn't there to help but you still need to do what you need to do. You tried to talk to him about the old car but he didn't want to hear it. You made a decision on your own because you had to. Wait until he calms down and then state your case again: does he want you safe and sound or not in his absence? Remind him that you love him and miss him and want him home safe and then give him time.

User - posted on 08/21/2011

I guess I must feel so horrid just knowing the place he is in ... I don't know.
I briefly chatted with our pastor last night and he thought I should try to return it since that was something I could control. I get his point, but ended up sending him an email a bit ago relaying all the financial details and how it affects us. I also asked him the questions that I was wondering:
1. I was left in charge of all the finances - but apparently not trusted.
2. We will end up spending more money on a used car that will eventually need work (the Nissan is covered fully for three years).
3. Why is it ok for him to talk to me like that?
4. I TRIED to talk to Kelly multiple times about the BMW and all the work it needed soon, but he didn't want to hear it. So, in essence, I was left to make a decision (especially since I wasn't going to have the large chunk of money to pour into the BMW).
5. My BMW can't even make it up my driveway in the winter - it got stuck a few times per month in the snow banks and had to be buried-out or towed out. How was I going to do that on my own?

I believe that the main part of this is the principle of it all. I went behind his back and made a huge purchase that I knew he didn't want. But, I struggle with the fact that while I am left 'in charge' and with NO way to get a hold of him (not that he wanted to hear it anyway) - I made a decision that he didn't like and am therefore reamed heartily.

I need to hear why this is ok...?........ Especially when we look at the finances and see that maybe driving a newer/safer car could potentially cost us less than a used, older car.

Jane - posted on 08/21/2011

Why take the car back? How are you going to get around since you sold the other one? If you do get the other one back, what happens if you get stuck in the middle of nowhere?

Your husband needs to figure out that he needs to trust you to do what is right and prudent. He married you, right? He didn't buy you or hire you, he married you. That doesn't mean that yu are a clone of him or that you have been programmed to never show any independence ever again.

He says he is too angry to talk to you? Fine, let him contact you when he is ready to talk, better yet, when he is ready to listen.

And keep the car. You need it.

User - posted on 08/21/2011

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support.

My husband is in the worst place right now - fighting daily with insurgents. I rarely talk to him nor did I really bring-up any financial issues to him.
I did see him on Google chat today - tried to talk to him via the chat window ... he said he was too angry to talk to me right now. Of course, then I become this blubbering idiot - ugh.
I've been left in control of the finances - but not trusted? I knew he didn't want me to make this purchase, but did it anyway. So, I get that it is a matter of principle - however, why must that negate a decision I made?
I guess I am trying to take the car back in the morning - it is not worth the added stress to him over there and me here. I just wish he would listen to my side before being such a macho jerk about it. Just because he didn't make the decision, it doesn't mean that it was an awful one.
I understand his fears of going back into debt, but our lives are different now....sadly, I won't get a chance to talk to him about it all because I never know when he can call (or is ready to talk).
Buying a car is a big decision. I get that. I get the principle of me doing it without his knowledge. I understand how he is hurt. But, I am just pissed-off that my thoughts do not seem to matter.... :/
Usually, my hubs is a pretty great guy - but there is about a once yearly blow-out and I hate it.

Billie - posted on 08/21/2011

Sounds to me like you made a smart financial decision. My husband deploys every other year so most of the burdens of EVERYTHING falls on me, but we do discuss huge financial situations together before acting. I can see where he would be so upset, but hopefully he'll realize the good you've done.

Jane - posted on 08/21/2011

I think your husband needs to back off a bit. While he is deployed you need to be running things back home because you know what is going on. In fact, with many military families, the person at home takes over many of the duties of the deployed spouse so that the one overseas can do their job without having to worry about what is going on at home. Then, when the deployment ends, folks shift their responsibilities back again.

You believed that the car you had was not reliable. He isn't there to help out if the car dies. You are a woman alone until he gets back and if you felt a more reliable vehicle is essential, then that is what you needed to get.

Now every couple deals with this differently. I think that it would have gone more smoothly if you had built a case for needing a more reliable car before actually going out and buying one. However, what is done is done. You cannot return the car. It isn't that you won't but that you can't.

What I suggest you do now is write out the full story as you have here, that the car wasn't reliable, that your income can now support a car payment (although I much prefer buying one in cash), that he isn't here to help out of something happens, so you did what you felt was an important thing to keep yourself safe while waiting for his deployment to end.

I would apologize to him and simply explain it as you have here. The payment is affordable (show him the numbers), the upcoming repairs would have been expensive (again, give the numbers), you are trying to take care of things at home so he doesn't have to worry, and the old car, which needed expensive work, is already gone. Tell that next time you will discuss it with him first but remind him that he is not home to see the situation. He needs to trust that you will only do what you believe is necessary and in the best interest of both of you. Remind him that you love him and miss him and just want to stay safe yourself so you can welcome him home.

It sounds as if his deployment is very stressful so I suspect that at least some of his over-reaction stems from that.

Good luck!

Melissa - posted on 08/21/2011

Sometimes we learn leasons the hard way, especially when I comes to money. My husband and I finnally got to the point we discuss all major perchases. And when tax season comes we discuss what we are going to do with the money. We wait to make major purchases, the only thing we are financing is my car (which we bought when he returned from iraq last year).



If the old car was concerning you to the point that you were worried about ending up in a ditch somewhere, I understand why you got a new car. While my husband was deployed I was returning to texas from arizona and his truck brokedown in the middle of nowhere, and I had 2 kids with me. everything worked out (i stayed 2 days in new mexico) but it is scary to have a major breakdown when you are alone.



Try showing him the payment plan (how long it will be financed, how much per month) and seggest making a big payment with some (not all) of your next tax return. sometimes seeing the plan helps. he may have already vented to some of his buddies, and is getting advice there too. I know what its like not to know when you will hear from him again, my husband was deployed to iraq in 2003, and i was luckey to hear from him once every 2 weeks.



don't be too hard on yourself, and you two will get a chance to talk this over and get through this. they hate being gone as much as we hate them being gone, and they dont like the idea of missing out on something. he maybe had a plan for the car (i have messed up my husbands "plans" before, if he doesnt tell me i cant help). dont think negatively, this shouldnt ruin your marriage. if the money is his issue, you can always get a part time job to help cover expenses.

User - posted on 08/20/2011

Thanks Kim .... I think that because we have made poor financial decisions in the past and because we are just coming out of those, he is WAY more sensitive about the money issue.
I did try to explain each of my points to him.... he will not respond. Just wants me to return it.
I feel so controlled and I hate it. While I want to be totally respectful when he is away, I also want to not feel as though a (maybe) bad decision is going to negate all the positive things I do. His biggest fear while he is deployed is that I would screw-up the money....and drive us into debt again.

Kim - posted on 08/20/2011

I have to say that I think your husband is OVER REACTING!!! If you are financially capable of making the car payment and your car was that unreliable then I would try to explain all of your points that you've made here to him. I purchased a new car when my husband was underway and the only thing he was upset about was that he was able to be there for the first time that we bought a brand new car together. I really wouldn't be that upset with yourself.