I NEED HELP

Lori - posted on 12/09/2012

We were stationed at Ft Drum for two winters. It is cold, but it is tolerable (and I'm from So Cali). Considering the age of you children, I wouldn't move home. I moved home during my husband's first deployment (15 months), but his second I didn't and while I had less family support, it was less stressful. The cost of living at Ft Drum compared to CA is not worth living in CA. Living with family can be very stressful. It would also be beneficial for your 8 yr old to have other friends who know what he/she is going through. As far as not driving- it IS possible to get around Ft Drum/Watertown area without driving. I would recommend getting your license before he deploys, but there are always taxis around. We survived our first few months there without a vehicle and just walked to get what we needed or took a taxi. Ft Drum is a gorgeous area with lots of neat areas to explore. It's a very low crime area. I wouldn't hesitate to stay there during a deployment. Most of my kids are school age now and I wouldn't consider going home during a deployment, even though we home school. It's important to keep things normal for them as much as possible. Just my opinion. Do whatever works for you. :)

Elly - posted on 05/21/2010

This is a big decision you and your hubby should make and really talk it through, talk through all the pros of going and the pros of staying also don't gloss over the cons of both too. You might find that you like being the head of your house vs. being the daughter again.
Each family is different and you may be able to do more than you give yourself credit for.
Both my hubby and I were set to go on remotes to Korea (of course different bases) but I got hurt at work again and was medically discharged, when he was getting ready to leave we had decided that I'd go live with his parents to help with the kids and to help me since I'd just gone through back surgery and needed more surgeries. That didn't end up working out, my MIL decided two days before we were to arrive that she didn't want us to stay after all, so the kids and I stayed where we were and I found that I was able to do much more than I figured. I wasn't able to drive for 8 months so we either walked to the commissary/BX (I got a larger stroller to fit more stuff under it and around the kids,LOL) or friends brought us stuff I needed. I also took taxies when I couldn't get a ride any other way. It was very nerve racking at first because I expected everything to go wrong, but over time the stress I felt (that wasn't there) finally started to go away and we got into a schedule that worked for us.
Good Luck

Katy - posted on 05/20/2010

It can be a difficult decision to stay or go back to family during deployments. I had wanted to go back with family during the deployments but I would have had to take my children out of school. Kids need as much stability as possible during deployments. Being a military "brat" is difficult enough with frequent moves when mom or dad gets orders. I really feel it's unwise to uproot them when it's not necessary.
Have you thought about flying your family to you a few times during the deployment? It would definitely give you & your kids something to look forward to!
Winters may be bad where you are, but I'm certain before winter comes you'll make a few good friends who would love to help you out with trips to the grocery store, walmart & the dr's office. I know I helped out several of my own friends who only had one car to get around & that was while their husbands were home.
Maybe now, before your husband leaves, he can teach you how to drive. Independence is a great thing!

Ivy - posted on 05/19/2010

my son is deployed my daughter in law is with me in nj yu should be with yur family while he is away

Bonnie - posted on 05/16/2010

I would check to see if you can order your groceries from www.albertson.com or something like that so they can be delivered. I would also see if some one be willing to stay with you and then I would go to housing and fill out the extended stay paper work so if that person brings a car they can stay in your place for up to 6-9 months I think. And I would see if there are any type of tumble classes for your kids and check out www.freecycle.com for your area so you can find free winter clothes for your kids.And of course you got us for the venting and stress relief. good luck

Brooke - posted on 05/16/2010

Everyone has to make their own choices. When my husband got deployed, we lived in Germany and I stayed there with my kids except for flying back twice to visit family. My friends became my family during that time. All of our men were deployed so we were going through the same things for the most part. You have to be realistic. Your kids need as much stability and normalcy as possible. If it's a long deployment and you truly feel you cannot handle living on your own then maybe you should go back to your family or see if one of them can come stay with you for a bit until you think you can. I'm betting you're stronger than you think you are otherwise you wouldn't have married a soldier. There's not going to be just this one deployment- you already know that. You've probably been with him for a bit so you know about him being in the field or at schools for long periods of time. You're going to have to be on you're own sometime. Either that or just stay with your family and let him come visit whenever he can. (And I have known spouses like that.) If it makes you AND your husband more comfortable for you to go back to the fam then you should. He doesn't need to be stressing about it. And neither do you. Youll have lots of help with the people around so you won't really be alone. And all you have to do is give us a yell if it gets too rough, where ever you decide! Good luck!

Pam - posted on 05/16/2010

When my husband deploys I stay at our duty station until the kids are out of school and then we pack a suitcase and head to family. That way you aren't paying for a move, you don't have to change your child's school again, and for part of the time you will have your family to support you. Keep in mind that if you need help while he is gone that the others who stay behind can help you or point you in the right direction.

Everyone makes their own decisions that are right for them; so good luck in deciding what is best for you and your children!

Karin - posted on 05/15/2010

In all honesty i would suggest doing what you and your husband think is best. Weigh the pros and cons of both situations. The stress of moving and finding new housing after you get back with 2 kids will be on the difficult side. If I were you id try to stay.

If you dont have your drivers license get one. Or start driving more. Its great to feel independent and itll help so you dont have to bum rides or get taxis everywhere. It also helps so you can get familiar with the area. And will also help you meet more people for support.

When it comes to the cold and being by yourself it is very difficult. But you get used to it just like any other place you may move to. People adapt, especially children. Were up in Alaska right now and i survived my first winter of -45 or lower with a then 15 month old baby. Im not sure about Ft Drum but here there isnt alot of people and you cant go out much during the winter.

Good luck with your decision!

Eve - posted on 05/15/2010

i would go back home if I had family that could help during a deployment. It is nastty in new york during winter

Marie - posted on 05/14/2010

Go back to California with your family, you will need their support. Find out if anyone you know can fly to NY and help you drive back a UHAUL. Not too expensive that way.

Jenny - posted on 05/14/2010

check with militaryone source. depending on the length of the over seas orders, you may qualify to be moved by the military. can't remember the exact instruction, but i remember reading about it.

Candi - posted on 05/13/2010

I am not trying to sound mean, but you are a military spouse now. Are you going to run home everytime he deploys? Imagine the stress it will put on your kids moving back and forth so much. As military children, they need as much stability as possible. My husband has deployed 3 times. The first time was for 15 months. We lived in Germany and I stayed there the whole time and found lots for my kids (ages 3 &4) to do. His ther 2 deployments were 12 months each and we lived in TX. By the time we moved to TX, we had 3 children. Regardless of what other people may say, during deployments you need to put your children first. They don't understand adult stress and don't understand all the moving. They need stability. Just my opinion

Anna - posted on 05/13/2010

hi kathrine

my husband and i just moved to ft drum a few weeks ago too. and he is set to deploy in october. My husband and i discussed it and we think it will be easier for me and our daughter just to stay put. i am nervous about the winter though bc i hear its rough. but you have to do what is best for you and your family. what area are you living in? if you dont mind me asking

Heidi - posted on 05/13/2010

I agree with Monica's post. I think it would be good to be back with family unless it is a shorter deployment. If it is for a year, I think being around family would be a big help. My husband is currently deployed and my family is not nearby, we live off base and my daughter is in school so moving to where my family lives was not really an option for me. He is deployed for less than a year though.

Kaytie - posted on 05/13/2010

I was at ft.drum last year then left after my fiancé reinlisted we moved to ft.Bragg nc... after two weeks of us being in nc he got his orders to deploy the first week of may... Mind you at this point I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. I wasn't due until June 14th! After alot of thought I realized that I wouldn't be able to have our daughter all by myself and have almost no support system around. I moved back here to NY to be with my family, in all honesty it was the best for not only myself but for my daughter too. I would fully suggest you going back to your family for the year your husband is deployed your going to need alot of help with two litle ones! Good luck to you and yours love the year wil fly by in no time!

Vette - posted on 05/12/2010

I had three kids under the age of 5 when mine first started leaving us and in ND. So I feel you. However, you are a military spouse now. Deployments are inevidable and never convenient. Weigh the pros and cons. If it's 6 months it isn't worth it. A year is another story. I know women who went home and left their house (at station) as it was. I chose to tough it out. It was hard, but it forced me to do things for myself and not rely on him for everything. I found out just how strong i could be. Best wishes ;o)

Monica - posted on 05/11/2010

1. winters are terrible there. u will need some type of transportation at some point:to do groceries, medical etc
2. if you can save a bit to move, its best to be with family
(plus w/ supportive family & you all helping each other out, you'll save a bit too)
3. if you decide to stay, get busy getting as much info/help now before the winter.
4. Try to stock up on your food/shelf-life/household items etc.
5. Don't be afraid to ask for help to get prepared

Teyaka - posted on 05/11/2010

You can also see if someone from your family would like to stay with you while he is deployed. My husband is Air Force, if I need help they will allow someone to come help me. Moving is a huge stress to deal with on top of a deployed spouse. I hope everything works out for you.

Cassie - posted on 05/11/2010

My husband has been on 2 6 month deployments in the Navy. I went home for both of them (Va to NC). I put all of our stuff in storage aside from what I really needed and stayed with family. It helped me alot because I had the help I needed with my daughter and the support I needed emotionally to handle the long stretches of no contact. You can keep in contact with the people you've met back in NY so that your not completely out of the loop. I tried to do as much as I could for my Family readiness group from NC. I think it's something you'll need to talk over with your husband and decide together what your most comfortable with and go from there.

Erin - posted on 05/11/2010

I moved home when my husband deployed, but he was deployed for a year. I lived with family, and helped with bills. This allowed us to save a lot of money while he was gone. I would say it depends on how long he will be gone for. Are you planning on finding your own place back home. Are you planning to move all your things? That can cost a lot. We just stored our stuff, and I only took what I really needed. Way the pros and cons and see what works better for you.

Kelly - posted on 05/11/2010

Some things you should consider are, how long is the deployment? Is it long enough to be worth you moving back to California and then back to NY later? Do you have any friends in NY who can help you when your hubby is gone? Since you are new to this, you will need lots of support while he is gone. Not just rides and access to things, but emotional support while he is away, in danger and unaccessible to you.
It sounds like a move home might be the best option. You should discuss living arrangements with your family back home to see if you might be able to save money that way. Be sure to talk about all the costs and necessary arrangements with your husband and family before making any decisions.

Tamara - posted on 05/11/2010

If you do decided to stay while he deploys all you have to do is bring his deployment orders to housing and they will clear the snow for you and even cut your grass.



I would also look into learning to drive if need be. It will really help with your husband being gone too. It took me long time to get my DL and now that I have it, it does come in handy.



I suggest you do what you feel is best for you and your family. look at all the pros and con of staying as well as the pros and cons of going back home.



I think that it is great that you have already met a few new people.



Good luck with whatever you and your family decides to do.