Rebecca - posted on 05/12/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )
Ok so please be patient with me. I am sitting here in tears trying to piece this all together the best i can.
It will be scattered and not organized at all but i truly need help.
I have been with my fiance for 5 years now. He is from Quebec and I am from New Brunswick. I do not know French. We have 2 beautiful kids together.
Since we have been engaged i would say(4yrs) his parents have had a hate out for me. For one simple reason...i don't speak French and i am not from there.
I'm sure some of you have read a post i did a while ago right after Christmas about how i was last treated, if not i'll bring you up to speed.
Every time we go to visit his family, which is 9 hours away with our 2.5yr old and 5 months old it is always the same drama. I get ignored, i feel alone, I get grouchy because i'm being ignored. well since having our daughter in July and this being her first Christmas i decided i would come to terms with the fact that my in-laws didn't like me and i would try to change their minds or at least be civil. I kissed ass for the whole week we were there. I stayed up until 3am to play a stupid card game i didn't want to one night and the following day was when it really went down hill. I woke at 6am with our 2 kids, everyone else, including my fiance was still sleeping. Around 9am i washed the baby bottles i had used and let them dry in the rack like i did every other day we were there. The rest of the family woke while i was washing these.
I sat down at the kitchen table to eat breakfast while my MIL played with our daughter and my fiance was in the living room talking to her. My FIL was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher and saw my bottles there. My brother in law, his Gf and their son stayed this night also, the son is 6 weeks older then our daughter. Well his father saw the bottles, brought them over to the table and started throwing them at me. Of course i got mad! I packed EVERYTHING we had while my fiance FINALLY stood up for me and we left within 20 minutes. Over the 5 years, not once has he stood up for me,never.
His father and him got in to it, i had no idea what they were saying but it wasn't good by the sounds of it.
A few weeks later we get a 8 page letter in the mail from his parents stating i was rude and needed to apologize for how i behaved. that neither of us learned manners as kids because we didn't respect their rules. And they also went on about random things and stuff from the last 4 years, like us complaining that when we took the 9 hour drive to see them we had to pick up all the dog poop on their lawn...they have the dog. How my fiance gets "too involved" in card games and no one wants to play with him because of this. Anyways, they said if we didn't apologize we would never be welcome in their home again.
My fiance emailed them the next day after collecting his thoughts and told them he was sorry that they felt that way but we weren't sorry for how things happened. I personally felt that because the week was going so well and they had nothing to complain about and they were running out of time, his father decided to do this to make me look like the bad person again...i'm sorry but i was the bigger person to act nice this time and it wouldn't happen again.
Ok so his parents have come to terms with him not being sorry whatever so they decided it would be a good idea to come here over the mothers day weekend...i wasn't impressed when i heard this because i don't get respected in their home and i knew i wouldn't in my own home.
Over the weekend, my sister had her b-day party, we got a call from our Realtor saying we had a showing that afternoon so i took our oldest child with me to the party and left the 3 adults and the baby. I figured hell i can do a showing with 30 minutes notice and 2 kids i'm sure they can do it with 1 child and 4 hours notice. 3 hours later(it's an hour driving all together) i get back and everyone was sleeping! I was pissed to say the least.
We went to the mall during our showing because the MIL wanted earrings for mothers day. It was buy one get one half and my fiance asked if i wanted some which i replied, i had a pair and i didn't need anymore. To everyone i was being a bitch but really i have a pair and i didn't need something to lose during our move and i also didn't want a pair becuase his mother was getting some the my pair would be half price. If he would have bought me a pair then fine i would have taken them, but i didn't want to be the "half off" wife...if you know what i mean.
His parents NEVER visit us. We are getting posted to Manitoba so i think they no see they were being stupid and wanted to see their grand kids.
They favor his brothers son for sure and it drives me nuts! they kept asking what to get him for his first birthday in a few weeks and i felt like saying the same thing they got your first grandson for his last 2 birthdays and the same thing you're probably going to get your grand daughter for her first...nothing!
After this last visit, my fiance has gone to the field for 2 weeks. He will be back next week. I checked his email today, and yes he knows i do, to see if our Realtor in Manitoba had sent us any more listings. I see an email from his mother...but it was a reply, so now i'm really curious. I go in the email and scroll to the bottom to see that my fiance apologized for how i was over the weekend...i'm not sorry for how i behaved. they were a hassle to have in the home while it was for sale! I had to cook HER mothers day supper...um go home already. anyways in her response it told my husband to get out and to take the kids and fast. She went on to say they didn't like me, would never approve because i wasn't french and i wasn't a good mother. She claims that i made a sigh when she asked me to make a bottle...not true. I was the ONLY one who fed her the whole weekend. I love my kids more then anything and in NO WAY do i not enjoy being a mother! If i didn't they would be in daycare and i would be going out every weekend.
Since her lovely email my mother has now emailed saying her concerns for me and the kids and how things wouldn't change, and yes i know they wont. But i'm truly lost at this point.
I do not love my fiance anymore because of his family but he refuses to cut them out even though i tell him how much that relationship has damaged me. He said i didn't need to be rude to them this weekend so my reply was, i didn't get an apology for bottles being thrown at me. He said i needed to take it up with them and stop ruining out relationship but i feel he is putting them between us by not seeing my side and always running to them. I keep telling him it wouldn't be fair for our kids when they get older and don't know a lot of French and they get treated the way i do by their grand parents. I say if they want to treat me that way then fine it was my choice to have his kids but it was NOT my kids choice who their father was and they shouldn't be treated any differently and they already are. It takes 2 minutes to get a card and throw it in the mail for a birthday. But again my fiance doesn't get this. He said it's over reacting...i don't feel it is!
I guess i'm just lost. I don't want to make this big 3800km move and be away from everyone i know if nothing changes. I feel the damage has been done and nothing will change. He seems to think the move will be good for us but in all honesty i don't think things would get better until they were dead, and i don't mean that harshly it's just reality they are getting older.
Has anyone been in my situation? What the hell do i do...