I need some advice...PLEASE!

Rebecca - posted on 05/12/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Ok so please be patient with me. I am sitting here in tears trying to piece this all together the best i can.
It will be scattered and not organized at all but i truly need help.

I have been with my fiance for 5 years now. He is from Quebec and I am from New Brunswick. I do not know French. We have 2 beautiful kids together.
Since we have been engaged i would say(4yrs) his parents have had a hate out for me. For one simple reason...i don't speak French and i am not from there.
I'm sure some of you have read a post i did a while ago right after Christmas about how i was last treated, if not i'll bring you up to speed.
Every time we go to visit his family, which is 9 hours away with our 2.5yr old and 5 months old it is always the same drama. I get ignored, i feel alone, I get grouchy because i'm being ignored. well since having our daughter in July and this being her first Christmas i decided i would come to terms with the fact that my in-laws didn't like me and i would try to change their minds or at least be civil. I kissed ass for the whole week we were there. I stayed up until 3am to play a stupid card game i didn't want to one night and the following day was when it really went down hill. I woke at 6am with our 2 kids, everyone else, including my fiance was still sleeping. Around 9am i washed the baby bottles i had used and let them dry in the rack like i did every other day we were there. The rest of the family woke while i was washing these.
I sat down at the kitchen table to eat breakfast while my MIL played with our daughter and my fiance was in the living room talking to her. My FIL was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher and saw my bottles there. My brother in law, his Gf and their son stayed this night also, the son is 6 weeks older then our daughter. Well his father saw the bottles, brought them over to the table and started throwing them at me. Of course i got mad! I packed EVERYTHING we had while my fiance FINALLY stood up for me and we left within 20 minutes. Over the 5 years, not once has he stood up for me,never.
His father and him got in to it, i had no idea what they were saying but it wasn't good by the sounds of it.
A few weeks later we get a 8 page letter in the mail from his parents stating i was rude and needed to apologize for how i behaved. that neither of us learned manners as kids because we didn't respect their rules. And they also went on about random things and stuff from the last 4 years, like us complaining that when we took the 9 hour drive to see them we had to pick up all the dog poop on their lawn...they have the dog. How my fiance gets "too involved" in card games and no one wants to play with him because of this. Anyways, they said if we didn't apologize we would never be welcome in their home again.
My fiance emailed them the next day after collecting his thoughts and told them he was sorry that they felt that way but we weren't sorry for how things happened. I personally felt that because the week was going so well and they had nothing to complain about and they were running out of time, his father decided to do this to make me look like the bad person again...i'm sorry but i was the bigger person to act nice this time and it wouldn't happen again.
Ok so his parents have come to terms with him not being sorry whatever so they decided it would be a good idea to come here over the mothers day weekend...i wasn't impressed when i heard this because i don't get respected in their home and i knew i wouldn't in my own home.
Over the weekend, my sister had her b-day party, we got a call from our Realtor saying we had a showing that afternoon so i took our oldest child with me to the party and left the 3 adults and the baby. I figured hell i can do a showing with 30 minutes notice and 2 kids i'm sure they can do it with 1 child and 4 hours notice. 3 hours later(it's an hour driving all together) i get back and everyone was sleeping! I was pissed to say the least.
We went to the mall during our showing because the MIL wanted earrings for mothers day. It was buy one get one half and my fiance asked if i wanted some which i replied, i had a pair and i didn't need anymore. To everyone i was being a bitch but really i have a pair and i didn't need something to lose during our move and i also didn't want a pair becuase his mother was getting some the my pair would be half price. If he would have bought me a pair then fine i would have taken them, but i didn't want to be the "half off" wife...if you know what i mean.
His parents NEVER visit us. We are getting posted to Manitoba so i think they no see they were being stupid and wanted to see their grand kids.
They favor his brothers son for sure and it drives me nuts! they kept asking what to get him for his first birthday in a few weeks and i felt like saying the same thing they got your first grandson for his last 2 birthdays and the same thing you're probably going to get your grand daughter for her first...nothing!
After this last visit, my fiance has gone to the field for 2 weeks. He will be back next week. I checked his email today, and yes he knows i do, to see if our Realtor in Manitoba had sent us any more listings. I see an email from his mother...but it was a reply, so now i'm really curious. I go in the email and scroll to the bottom to see that my fiance apologized for how i was over the weekend...i'm not sorry for how i behaved. they were a hassle to have in the home while it was for sale! I had to cook HER mothers day supper...um go home already. anyways in her response it told my husband to get out and to take the kids and fast. She went on to say they didn't like me, would never approve because i wasn't french and i wasn't a good mother. She claims that i made a sigh when she asked me to make a bottle...not true. I was the ONLY one who fed her the whole weekend. I love my kids more then anything and in NO WAY do i not enjoy being a mother! If i didn't they would be in daycare and i would be going out every weekend.
Since her lovely email my mother has now emailed saying her concerns for me and the kids and how things wouldn't change, and yes i know they wont. But i'm truly lost at this point.
I do not love my fiance anymore because of his family but he refuses to cut them out even though i tell him how much that relationship has damaged me. He said i didn't need to be rude to them this weekend so my reply was, i didn't get an apology for bottles being thrown at me. He said i needed to take it up with them and stop ruining out relationship but i feel he is putting them between us by not seeing my side and always running to them. I keep telling him it wouldn't be fair for our kids when they get older and don't know a lot of French and they get treated the way i do by their grand parents. I say if they want to treat me that way then fine it was my choice to have his kids but it was NOT my kids choice who their father was and they shouldn't be treated any differently and they already are. It takes 2 minutes to get a card and throw it in the mail for a birthday. But again my fiance doesn't get this. He said it's over reacting...i don't feel it is!
I guess i'm just lost. I don't want to make this big 3800km move and be away from everyone i know if nothing changes. I feel the damage has been done and nothing will change. He seems to think the move will be good for us but in all honesty i don't think things would get better until they were dead, and i don't mean that harshly it's just reality they are getting older.
Has anyone been in my situation? What the hell do i do...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Bonnie - posted on 05/16/2010

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Good for you and not responding they don't deserve the time and it takes for that king of nonsense. And lets face it no one ever claimed that men are smart when it comes to emotional understanding.It may have taken him a long time to see all this but now that e has he should be able to see your side. But again I must stress that you take the high road and let his parents be the belligerent ones. The calmer you are and the the more understanding your are of his position the better off the two of you will be. I am not saying that you should hold your tongue. Not at all. Just make sure that you try not to be like them when you communicate your dislike and the unfairness of the situation. The more sane you are the more obvious their insanity will be. And I really do think tat the sooner the two of you are back together the better. You can't keep going at this essentially by yourself the harder it is going to be for the both of you. You need his strength and to feel his caring about you and he needs your heart and your understanding. I know that things are more then difficult for you but being caught between the women you love and your families disapproval cannot be easy by any means. I'm sure it took him this long to see things as they are because he believed or wanted to believe that they would come around and remember that you make him happy. But some people just can't leave well enough alone, you know. I am proud that your not just letting them walk all over you and I know how hard it is to have patience in that type of environment, but the less control you let them have in your reaction to them the better off you are. I know that you get that you only have control of your own actions but don't forget that you have control of your reactions too. Don't give up or give in and don't let them have any say in your happiness. Keep focusing on the bigger picture and you two will work it out.

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Crystal - posted on 06/02/2010

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until he does something abt his family it wont get better i am luck my inlaws are good and mind their on business u need to let him ready this or sit and write everythign out and if he still doesnt listen leave then maybe that will help if not ur better off without him

Stephanie Jo - posted on 05/17/2010

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Bless your heart! I hope things get better for you and your family. Please dont drop to thier level. It sounds like they need to step back and think of the grandchildren. Do you go to church? Jesus can help you so much. If you do please talk to your preacher before you move or get married. You deserve happiness not all that rudeness which I think is so childish. Have a blessed day and I will say a prayer for you. Take care!

Tah - posted on 05/17/2010

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first all all, if my FIL threw anything but pleasantries my way my husband would have been on him like a pit bull. They never would have come to visit us without an apology and a gift...probably a limited edition bentley. If your boyfriend doesn't get it then let him move. I understand you aren't married yet, but you are still a family, it is not gonna change if you decide to marry him. Family is important, I understand, but when a person gets married(whenever you 2 do) you are supposed to cling to your spouse and they should come first. Some thing you could have let go.shoot, get the earrings...little battles, but his family flat out disrespecting you, puhlease...they are not gonna like you because you are not who they want for him. Okay fine, here is the problem, he is choosing them over you and your children and that can't be ignored. If you don't love him anymore then the choice is clear. If you do still love him, you may need to tell him you are going to live with family, or get your own place until he figures out what is important to him and understands that you are hurt and he is allowing his family to get in between the 2 of you. DONLT ARGUE...put it in a letter say it after you have alreasy move your things whatever, and show him you are serious, do it. Don't be a doormat for him or his family and don;t allow them to treat your children like they are second rate. you sould have said. I don't know what _____ would like for his first b-day but ______insert your childs name there...is just in love with Dora and here b-day is so soon, it's like they grow overnight....you heart ,ay want one thing, but your mind knows what you should do...

[deleted account]

I think you're handling the whole thing pretty well considering. I totally understand how depressing it can be because I've been in your shoes and it's a feeling I'm not sure I can describe. I completely agree about taking the high road though because he's realizing that YOU are not the problem. The fact that you are demanding respect is great. You deserve it, especially in your own home. You don't have to put yourself in a situation where you are not emotionally or verbally hurt. That you love and respect your man enough to be willing to learn a little french so you can all speak it may even help the situation. As for not moving with him, that in itself might make him closer to his family because you aren't there all the time to show him how much you want to be part of his life no matter what. I know it's hard to not let them drag you down but try to concentrate on on keeping you and your family happy when they don't have to deal with them. Hopefully once they know that they can't scare you off, they'll back down a little.

Rebecca - posted on 05/16/2010

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Samantha your post is well and good and trust me if i could talk to them when they are rude i would, but MY official language where i live is English. THEY are in the only french province and they do not teach english unless YOU want to learn it and well they probably never thought they would need it. Just like me. My province is the only bilingual province but only now has it become more stressful on kids learning french in school, so my french is none existent. My husband is military and they do offer a french course to spouses but every time i've wanted to do it he has gone to the field for weeks at a time or has been sent on course on the other side of the country so it's impossible for me to do it.
In response to letting them go by MY rules...well that just doesn't fly with them. At all. To me i am the mother, i carried my kids for 9 months gave birth to them and stay home with them insuring they are well taken care of but to them, they are the grand parent and are going to "spoil" them. I'm sorry but to me giving a 2.5yr old chocolate at 10am isn't spoiling that's giving them bad eating habits and possibly diabetes. They did this same thing at their home one Christmas when he was 1.5yr old and my fiance was the only one who went to see them and they didn't even want to listen to him but he finally said enough was enough. I am still trying to get my son back on normal breakfast and they've been gone for a week.
They wrote in one of the emails that our household should be french only. That my fiance was french so our kids should be french. Yes my kids will go to a french school, i don't want them ignored and get rude feelings from his family, but when they are already saying they don't' like our kids they like his brothers son more that speaks volumes to me. I also think for them to say our house should be only french speaks louder about how much the really do respect me.
I agree that i need to make myself more secure with the situation. God knows i've been trying for 5 years but i'm feeling that i have done all i can really.
I told my fiance after the first email to him from his mother that i was raised on the golden rule and i was pretty sure they didn't teach it in Quebec...i was right because i had to explain to my fiance what the golden rule was.
oh well, there is only so much i can do and frankly i'm getting sick of being drug down. i'm interested to talk to my fiance next week when he comes out of the field to go over all the emails and really see where we both want to go from there.

Samantha - posted on 05/16/2010

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I know this might sound mean, but instead of going to him about his parents, when something happens, go to them about it. He is obviously timid when it comes to them and you need to demand the respect. If they are ever in your house, just as you have to follow their rules, they have to follow yours!
Who cares about speaking French. If the official language in your house is English, then that should be what they speak, out of respect (they obviously know it, where as you don't know French). You have to stand up to her. And make sure she knows you've read the emails she's sent him, it will make her more careful about what she writes and aware that there are no secrets between you and your Husband-to-be. It's not a matter of him cutting anyone off. Those are his parents and always will be. But you need to make yourself feel more secure in your place as his Wife-to-be and the mother of his children. That makes you just as permanent. So, put on a smile, walk up to her and tell her she can go back to her miserable, French hell the next time she talks to you in anyway other than that of respect. You deserve it and if she doesn't think you do, then she will no longer be welcome around you or your children.

Bonnie - posted on 05/16/2010

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Clay fights are fun! just do them out side and make sure you have control of the hose when it is time to wash down...Have fun...lol

Rebecca - posted on 05/16/2010

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I know it can't be easy on him either, trust me i hear about it. He wanted us to all sit together and talk about why we don't' get along so maybe we could move on. He said he was sick of being stuck in high school. then the emails came flooding in. For being 30 years younger i sure as hell feel older by being the bigger one on this lol.
Thanks for all the kind words and help...and i'll make sure to get some clay...i have a fear i might give some to the fiance and he might be tempted to throw it though lol. Him and his family ALWAYS fight over stupid things so i guess it was only a matter of time before that relationship deteriorated.
Thanks again!!

Angela - posted on 05/16/2010

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Girl whatever u do dont back down stand ur ground be the woman that ur man fell in love with and go get married and that should be a big enough sign that ur not going anywhere and they can just get over it. Its a take it or leave it kinda thing. Goodluck

Bonnie - posted on 05/16/2010

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Oh and don't forget to work with clay....I know odd but it really works and it is better then antidepressants...

Rebecca - posted on 05/16/2010

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Well things took a turn for the worst for sure but at this point it can't get any worse! That's for sure! I had to take it upon myself to delete his ENTIRE family off my Facebook and block them because his father decided to email ME 4 TIMES, they were the Quebec laws on grandparent rights and also the divorce act. I called a lawyer and they said they have no grounds because we are not in Quebec, we go by the laws in which you reside, thank God! I told my fiance after i got a hold of him hours later and he called his dad...they got in to it and his father hung up on him. His father then emailed him calling me nasty every other word and calling me a queen. And they also confirmed that they favor the other grand-child...his brothers child. How ignorant is that! A few moments after my fiances email I get one to me email, because he can't get to me through FB anymore, and there was a list of about 20 psychotherapists with a note from his dad...in some kind of English, saying they worked great for women like me who are nasty. My fiance emailed his father AGAIN and finally told them enough was enough. I never responded to the emails because i am most likely going to press harassment charges and i have even forwarded the emails to my fiances email account for more proof. His father emailed my fiance back about 4 more times all with reasons why they can treat me so badly, like his mother has depression for the last 7 years...well i've had it for the last 3 years because they drain me so depression doesn't' give you the right to be rude to someone. I think my fiance is finally seeing that i am not the one causing all the problems and his parents are being dramatic and ruining our relationship. I'm feeling like it's pulling us together now to be honest because he is so bitter towards them, finally! I still feel confused if i'm going to move with him because i don't want him to go backwards and go back to them. I wish he would see that by going back all the time they are giving him permission to treat me this way. I made it very clear to him, before any emails started, that i was NEVER seeing them again and If i moved with him i wasn't going near them because we have to drive through their province to get to our new one, so i said i was staying in the hotel the military provided for us. He understands that for sure but man oh man my temperature sure has risen a lot over the last few days.

Bonnie - posted on 05/16/2010

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Wow that is a lot of drama. I have to admit that I sort of know what you are going threw. Luckily my mother-in-law loves me but the extended family I have still aren't happy that my husband married a white girl. I tried the ass kissing and I have dappled in tying to learn Tagalog but after 6 years of marriage I have discovered the secret to success with this situation. I just don't give them the satisfaction of response. I'm not saying cut them out of your life because that would only make things harder for your man. The key here is to remember that the more his mother bitches and the more you take the high road in knowing that you can only be you the more of an ass she will look like. Soon all her bitching and complaining will hold no merit with anyone because every one will grow tired of her making a fuss for no reason. You just be you and remember that you and your man's way of life can only be affected by her toxic nature if she feels she hold control by getting you to respond by feeling insecure and letting her make you cry. Don't give her the satisfaction and start working with clay. I know that sounds random but if you are angry and you need to get it out there is nothing better then beating the shit out of some clay then creating something out of it when. Then you have something cheep to break if she pisses you off unexpectedly. I hope thing get better for you and just keep being yourself if she doesn't like you then fine. Oh and remember that the best way to get people to hear your point, to really hear it, it threw calm words not loud ones.

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I'm sorry you're having to go through that. My husband's family and I couldn't stand each other when we first got together. Have you tried to talk to his family about why they don't like you? Maybe it's more than what you think it is. You need to make it clear to his family and your man especially that you aren't going to put up with the treatment. But you have to be willing to follow through. No child deserves to grow up where people are miserable but don't jump to leaving unless talking really doesn't get you anywhere. Good luck!

[deleted account]

It sounds like you already sorta know what is best. His family won't change, so either don't go with him when he sees his family or just deal with it the best way you can and don't react to them trying to provke you. Stop trying to make him decide between his family and you his fiance, because I'm betting that you will lose that fight. If he is putting words into your mouth about "how sorry you were" with how you acted while they were in your home behind your back; who knows what he is saying in French in front of your face. No I don't think that you are over reacting about the bottles thrown at you unless there is something else to that story that is being left out.

Now about the earrings, I've worked retail many years and the way that BOGO (buy one get one) sales work no matter what the BOGO is is you have to buy what amount for any of them to be one sale. So buy one get one 1/2 off is really just 25% off when you buy two. So I think that it was more just wanting to get the sale more than have you be a "half of wife"


So to sum up what I'm saying is no you didn't over react to the bottle thing, yes you kinda did with the earring thing. And, maybe it would be a good thing to look at your situation now and see if maybe it would be better if you want to get married to this guy and spend "happily ever after" with him. I don't want to say that you two shouldn't get married but maybe some pre-martial counseling with a trusted priest (or whatever your relgion calls them) or psychologist. The priest more often then not would be free or little cost compared to the psychologist.

Good Luck with whatever you do decide to do.

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