My husband went out last night...

Hannah - posted on 09/18/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I wanted some other opinions on this one..

My husband is a recruiter, his station made mission this month and he told me they were going out for "a beer or two and would be home by 11pm at the latest" he also told me they were going to a local bar and grill (similar to Applebees family friendly place with a bar in it) I told him he deserves it and to have fun. (NOTE: We have a 4 month old daughter that is attached to me at all times.. I have never been able to go out alone because hes not comfortable watching her : /.) Well 11:30 rolls around and I ask him if he will be home sometime soon.... I find out that hes at a hookah bar at this point.. **I'm starting to get mad** He has told me about this hookah bar because its a local hang out for high school students and he told me "were never going there". well long story short I told him I would like to do something for myself on occasion and I "ruined his night". I fell asleep at 11:30.. he came home at 3AM!!!! I'm so angry and disappointed in him.. I feel like I have every right to feel this way but he seems to think this is acceptable behavior. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way!?

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Christan - posted on 09/24/2010

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I completely understand why you would be pissed that he lied to you about where he was going and what time he would be home. That is messed up and I would be pissed too. However, after reading some of these responses about giving deadlines, and changing locks, I find that to be rediculous! Marriage does not make you his mother or make him your father. Its mutual understanding and trust that when one of you goes out with friends that you are acting responsibly and safe. When you give him (or her) a time frame, it makes you feel 16 again, livin at home with mommy!
I have been married 6 and a half years and when my husband tells me he is going out with friends Im like "have fun". No timeline, no 20 questions, no threats and changing locks! Trust!! I know he is a grown ass man and if he is willing to make decisions to ruin things between our family then he wasnt who Im supposed to be with anyways. Same vice versa. He feels the same way about me. We have 2 kids and one on the way(so im not doin much these days) but trust and mutual respect is what is gonna get you guys through things. Accusations and curfews only makes people resent eachother. Thats just my opinion.

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Sure-lee - posted on 09/23/2010

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My husband did this a lot when he was deployed to Germany.... He had all single friends, and got drunk all the time. I don't drink much, so I guess he was doing it cause he knows he can't do it here.
He was gonna go out with a coworker, he didn't go bc he said he didn't want to drink with out me!
So I asked why doesn't he do the same things he did in germany, he didn't say anything. So I was like oh, I know because u didn't have your family there and you were free... He still didn't say anything... It's like there two different people. Makes me angry! But we gotta stay at home with the kids, if and when we go out hey try to keep tabs on us ... Men! Agh

Rebekah - posted on 09/23/2010

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Oh No what's with that...that's so not on.....not only would I be angry and it be justified I'd be sick to the guts for him treating me like that...dont fall for that I'm not comfortable with my kid routine sweety cos that's a cop out, tell him his job didn't end with the ejaculation....if it's out of character for him to be this way talking to him is the first step you may find he has been getting some crap from the boys, which is no excuse at all really....you didn't ruin his night at all, he wants you to feel bad....be strong and I hope things get sorted for you soon....dont give in, what's right is right you cant give them an inch and they take a mile and it be acceptable cos he'll take a little more each time.

Yolanda - posted on 09/22/2010

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You and your husband need to talk. First talk about him pitching in more with your daughter. About him feeling uncomfortable watching her is crazy. Excuse for not keeping her to give you time for yourself. Be careful letting your husband go out with the guys to bars especially if most of them are single. Sometime married men forget they are married. You two need to talk now before he gets to comfortable hanging out with the guys.

Michelle - posted on 09/21/2010

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You are NOT wrong in feeling this way! You deserve to have some you time, especially if its almost nonstop at home. I know how that goes. I'm a stay at home mom, and I have the kids nonstop all day long. It wasn't right for him to lie to you, and you deserve the truth as well, Maybe sitting down with him and talking about it when it's quiet around the housewould help him understand... or at the very least he could hear you. Go from there and she what happens. Discuss your needs, and remind him that you understand his needs as well. Discuss your daughters needs. She needs her daddy to take care of her once in a while too. I hope you find this useful.

Sugin - posted on 09/21/2010

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No your not wrong. He needs to step up to the plate and help with the baby. You might want to look in to classes on base that both of you can go to about parenting..the reason why I say both of you is because it help him get over any fear she may break. Also if he wants to go out get a setter once in a while and go with.. Also you can just put her down for a nap and tell him you will be right back.. Then go to a movie.. make him take care of her.. its a fear for a lot of men.. also there is couple counseling too that can help him learn and understand what he is doing is not good! Praying for ya!

Jules - posted on 09/21/2010

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You are absolutely not wrong for feeling that way. But I think guys have a harder time adjusting to life as a Daddy and all that brings. Since your little one is only 4 months, he is probably still adjusting to his new life. My advice would be to try and talk to him about these things when you aren't mad. If you talk to him about it later on, once you've cooled off, you'll be able to explain yourself better. The last thing men want is to feel like their wife is their mother, and telling them what to do. Bring up the conversation casually, and maybe say something like, "When you go out late, it makes me feel ______." Saying things like "you have responsibilities" or "it's not fair" will make him defensive & pissed off. Explain to him that you know he is/has the potential to be a good father (even if he isnt yet) and that you think that his decision to stay out that late, wasn't one of his finest.
Good luck.

Rebecca - posted on 09/21/2010

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He took advantage of the situation. My hubby has only gone to 2 bars in all the time we've been together, once when we first met and then once for his brother's bachelor party. Going to a family type place with a bar is one thing, leaving that place and going to a place where people there clearly have "single" intentions is so inappropriate for a married man. And then coming home at 3 just makes it sooo much worse. I would've been furious and probably kicked him out for a few days.

Amanda - posted on 09/20/2010

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I have had to deal with that several times...I let him know after our 4th child was born that the bars were done! I told him I wasn't his maid, I wasn't his babysitter, and I wasn't a room mate! I let him know that I am his wife and if I'm not going out, that it isn't right for him to be going out with the single guys (we have had several issues in the past so that's why I say if we both don't go out then one doesn't go out!) Now the only times I get stressed is when he goes on TDY trips...

Tah - posted on 09/20/2010

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guys will be guys is a farce...a cop-out....all guys do not go out and stay out until the sun kisses them gently on the cheek and says go home....i encourage all wives of any man that fits the "guys will be guys" saying to go to home depot, take a lock changing class(it doesn't take to many tools...a screwdriver did me just fine..) and it may be free...and hide it,somewhere he never goes, like the laundry room or the dishwasher...and when he says hey..going out with the guys i will be there at _____(insert time here)....when he has not come home by that time and he has exhausted that cushion you have given him(in your own head of course).....go and change the locks...even if you live in a apartment(you'll be changing them back, so no harm done..unless you dont want to..then you just give the office a key...anywho)...and then you go to sleep....and when he calls over and over to see if he is at the right house...tell him it was the right house at the time he said he would be home..but when he decided not to respect you..or to be just another guy...it became the wrong house..but don't worry that bag by the door is not the trash he didnt take out..it's a couple nights worth of clothes and wherever he came from at 4am...should be glad to put him up for a couple days while you think things through...and treat it like a job your underqualified for.."don't call me, i'll call you"...



p.s..when i changed the locks...that wasn't my husband..a prior relationship..if i had to do that with my husband he would not be my husband...

Crystal - posted on 09/20/2010

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You have every right to feel that way... We have a 2 year old son and im pregnant due next month with our daughter. On 3 occasions iv woken up at 4 am to find my husband still hadnt come home yet. It sure pissed me off because i dont get to go out. He doesnt do it all the time but his friends make me out to be the warden sometimes. Must be nice to have the luxury of that type of freedom. Although i like being home with our son. Guys will be guys i guess =(

Crystal - posted on 09/19/2010

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i agree and i have lived through 2 yrs of recruiting u deserve to get out and he should want to help u out so u can get out my husband wasnt aloud to go do anything if i wasnt there and if it was work related or family/friend related he didnt go my husband hated recruiting and we be came really close to another recruiter and his wife so we always at each other house and we all hated recruiting

Kendra - posted on 09/18/2010

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no, you are not wrong. i would be pissed! my husband went over to our neighbors house one time to watch a boxing match. (my husband doesnt even like boxing but i guess he wanted to be one of the guys) anyway he said he would just stop by to say hey then be home in like 30 min, he came home at 1 am! yea...he doesnt go anywhere anymore lol!

and if he does, its with me! (except when he wants to see scary movies, then he can go out with the guys but thats only be twice)

and why couldnt you go to the bar? when my husband was in ait his class had a dinner to celebrate at applebees, our duaghter wasssss about 5 months? and i went, i was the only wife let alone woman there. I just sat back, let the guys talk, drink, and have fun. it was no problem taking my daughter along.

next time he is going out, hop in the car with him, and if he says you cant go...then what is he hiding?

Tah - posted on 09/18/2010

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i'm still stuck on the he doesn't feel comfortable watching his own daughter...he would have to get over it if you just got up tonight, grabbed the car keys and yelled up the stairs..i'm going out, her milk is in the fridge and her diapers are on the changing table...and the next thing he hears is the engine starting...i bet when you got back that baby would be fine and he would get over it. go to a movie, take a book and go to the applebees type place. i am sorry that so many wives who stay home go through this...i work, my husband works and we share duties....even for the 2 seconds i was a sahm before i realized that was not the life for me..like my own money...a plan b, independence, and grown up interaction.....we shared duties..he would come home and clean, help cook, help run the kids to activities or at least drives so we didn't have to spend anymore time apart then we had to...



the only time we go out without each other is if he is deployed or they have a reenlistment ceremony for someone at a restaurant but they go from work and he always leaves early to come home with me. we don't tolerate that 3am mess, you will trip over your bags. thats an understanding we both have...don't let the sun even think about rising on your butt not being here esp if you say one thing and do another....basically your husband feels you should shut up and deal and sometimes when they work outside the home and you don't they think that's what you'll do cause you don't have a choice..get that notion out of his head TODAY....



Call the girls....put a cute outfit in the car..if you are breastfeeding...pump about 4-5 bottles and get out tonight.....and take a pump with you so you can do it in the car if you are out, or at a friends house, turn your ringer off and don't let him guilt you into coming home...if the baby is crying he will figure it out...at 4 months they aren't that much trouble..i have 3 and i have been helping raise children since i was 7....teach him a lesson now or prepare for more nights like that....but don't tell him your leaving until you are on your way out the door, he won't have a chance for that i'm not comfortable crap or to have a fit.....

Samantha - posted on 09/18/2010

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Dang Girl... I totally understand where you are coming from and I totally agree with you. I had a simliar situation when my daughter was younger, he went out with the guys, and I told him that it was fine, just to be home at a decent time, and he didnt show up till 230 in the morning, and had to responce, and acted like he did nothing wrong. He told me, he had a stressful week, and needed to let some steam out. But if I ask him to watch our Daughter for about an hour so I can run out to this store, he gets mad. Husbands, dont realize, yes we are stay at home moms, but being a mom is a FULL TIME JOB! We deserve to get out every once and while, and do something. He had no right to get mad at you, and you had every right to confront him. I just hope, he comes to his senses and says he is SORRY... Im here for ya girl, I know what ur going through!

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