NEED ADVICE!!!! (edited; ultimatums added as promised)

C. - posted on 01/29/2010

Oh my God.. I am just going to close this thread. I have already explained in this thread a million times already that I DO want to better myself. The time period of which he expected me to do most of these things was just beyond unreasonable, but we have since talked about it and AGAIN, we have since come to an agreement about everything. I also already stated that I sent him pictures the first time he promised he would quit watching the porn and yet he still went back and watched porn. That was what upset me most, was that he had his wife to look at and still watched someone else. And sorry, you may have agreed to let your husband continue to watch it, but I stand my ground on this. No married man should be looking at another woman with lustful eyes. He should only be looking at his wife like that- and the same goes for the women not looking at other men with lust. My husband has known since we were dating that I wasn't a fan of porn and I had told him how I felt about it and I guess he thought he could hide it from me. Sorry, but when you go from having sex with your husband everyday/every other day to almost every week and half to 2 weeks, there's a problem. This thread is now closed. Maybe if people would actually read the comments and THEN reply, I wouldn't have a problem. But questions and advice just keep getting repeated and I am tired of repeating myself and I'm tired of referring people to previous posts. Goodnight all! Thanks for all the advice and to the few who gave encouragement, Thank you for that as well.

Aundraya - posted on 01/29/2010

Kari Katzenmaier I'm sorry I pointed you out in my post. I know you aren't the only woman who believes this. It's nothing personal; yours was the first post I saw that said this, so I quoted it. I'm sorry.

Amber - posted on 01/29/2010

It basically seems like he wants you to better yourself... maybe hes a little off in the diplomacy but his intentions are good... why wouldnt you want to do any of these things for yourself... i thinks hes worried more or less that you are going to fall apart now that hes gone and be depressed so hes trying to give you things todo to fulfill your time so you wont be so depressed... my husband and i have had the porn fight as well and its an ever ending battle so i decided why fight it hes going to do it hes going to watch it and theres really nothing i can do so i just learned to accept that he needed to watch it to get turned on to keep his sexual desires undercontrol... i dont agree with the webcam girls or the chat rooms porn ting but porn is all fake and fantasy... he may lack diplomacy as do i but his intention are that you keep yourself busy and not become a lazy military wife who wears her pjs all day and lets the dishes pile up.... i think you should give him more assurance that you are going to be okay while hes gone.... it may notbe ultamatiums for him it may be expectations... sometimes the word gets confused in peoples minds...

C. - posted on 01/29/2010

Alysha, refer to my comment in response to Kanedric, second to the last paragraph. He doesn't need porn, trust me.

Also, as for the rest of the stuff, you can also refer to other posts, I am sick of repeating myself over and over and over again. And for the last time, I DO NOT SMOKE AROUND MY SON, IN THE HOUSE OR IN THE CAR! I don't want him to be around that- it's MY bad habit, not his. And the reason I started smoking again is none of your damn business! I might reply to the rest later.. My 5 minute break is over.

Alysha - posted on 01/29/2010

Guys are going to to watch porn while they are over there. That is a way of dealing with their sexual frustrations. Hey would you rather him watch the porn and get it out that way or go and sleep with another female soldier?

As far as his ultimatums. You have to understand your husband is in a combat zone risking his life to support you and your child. I don't know you as a person so I don't know if any of his wishes are truth. If you are a stay at home mom taking care of your kid that is totally cool, but I think that you have responsibilities with staying at home also such as keeping up with the house and the things that go along with it. I am just going to add my comments to what he posted. Like I said they are opinions so please don't take them the wrong way because I don't know if they are true.

1. STOP BEING LAZY - if you are being this way I could see why he would be annoyed.
2. START WORKING- If you want to be a stay at home mom then he should respect this. But make it seem like you are being productive.
3. CLEANING- I would hope for you having a child this would be a given no one wants their child living in filth.
4. GET HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA OR GED- This is something he is def right on. In today's society to be able to obtain a good job you need one or the other. You should want to do this anyway, set a good example for your child. You have nothing but time while he is deployed to this.
5. GET ON A ROUTINE- Idk how you and your life so I can't comment here.
6. NO SLEEPING TELL NOON- You said you just went through something traumatizing so this is normal. Plus a lot of us stay up weird hours when our husbands are gone.
7. NO SMOKING- This is one I def agree on and I hope to god you aren't smoking around your child because that is F&$^d up if you are. They don't have a choice to breathe in your nasty ass smoke. Besides why would you not want to stay healthy and live a good life if you have a kid.
8. DO LAUNDRY ON DAILY BASIS- Haha I don't think anyone does this unless they are obsessive compulsive.
9. GET DRIVER LICENSE- This would be a good thing if you have a car. It would make you more independent.
10. CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR SELF- I don't know if you are messy but if you are this is a given.
11. BE MORE INDEPENDENT- This is something you have to have being married to a soldier. If you aren't the relationship doesn't work. Trust me I have seen plenty of them fail.

I hope this brightens you up and not pisses you off. LOL

C. - posted on 01/29/2010

Thanks Stacy and Aundraya. I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels the same way about the porn.



@Aundraya.. When I was old enough to get my license we moved and then I got a job to help my mom out b/c she was working her butt off and paying out the whazoo for things for me (like my toiletries and things). So my friend worked at a grocery store at the time and asked if I wanted a job b/c someone had quit unexpectedly and they needed someone as soon as they could find someone. Got the job and everything (I was 16), got my permit, but with my schedule and my mom's schedule there was hardly any time to go practice enough to take my test. Right before my 19th birthday I found out I was pregnant. I was still working and everything. I ended up getting so sick that I had to take several months off of work b/c I literally could not get out of bed in the morning, I was so sick- and yes I even kept dry food like crackers next to me so when I woke up I could eat and I was still very sick- let alone being able to stand on my feet for 8+ hours a day (by this point I worked in the office at the store so sometimes I would end up working more than 8 hours if someone was late or couldn't come in at all). My mom was still working a lot, she took the time to take me to every single doctor's appointment as well as trying to take care of me when I was sick, my MIL worked/works a lot, as well as my FIL and BIL and my husband was out at Bootcamp and AIT and then off to his first duty station. After I had my son it took me 3 months to heal b/c my stitches had ripped a few times which prolonged the healing process. My husband came out when my son was almost 5 months old and I took my driver's test b/c after I had healed I started driving again. The only thing I failed was parallel parking and the lady told me to come back on Monday, but I was moving that Friday- had I told her I was moving she probably would have passed me, but I honestly didn't think that would make a difference at the time so I didn't tell her. When we came back for my husband's block leave I tried again since I had already taken the test here before and thought I knew what to expect. Except this time I got a man that was very nit-picky. I told him I had Erb's Palsy in my left arm and I did things that the lady told me to do if it was easier with my arm (like looking in the mirror while backing up instead of turning around to look back)- he took off major points and even took points off for me NOT using my turn signal while backing out of the parking space at the beginning of the test, which you are not required to do. He also took me to a completely different route, so I hadn't practiced there before since I didn't know about that route at all and I'm sure that also had some factors. Shortly after we got back to Hawaii we found out my husband was deploying, so we spent a lot of time trying to work it out for me to come back home and pack up our whole house since we only had a month to get everything done and my husband was working til 5p each day- so even if we didn't have all that stuff to do, we still would not have made it to the DMV. Shortly after I move back my mom gets the GM position at her job and now she has one crazy work schedule but we are working on me practicing so I can get my license soon. Sorry it's so long. It's not like I haven't tried before or anything.. Just bad luck I guess. I know it would come in handy. I could take my mom to work and go to the store (it's literally right across the street from the hotel she works at so it wouldn't take much gas to get there at all) so she wouldn't have to take me when she gets home b/c she's always so tired- and rightfully so with her working so much. I am tired of having to rely on her for a ride. I'm 21.. I want to be able to go where I need to w/o having to get my mommy to take me :) Thanks, Aundraya. I hope so too!





@Rebecca:

As for you Rebecca, you have no right to tell me to get off my ass. You don't know what I do all day. It's not like all I do is sit at the computer and do nothing. If that was the case my son wouldn't ever get a bath, wouldn't be fed properly and wouldn't be learning new words and his ABC's and 1,2,3's everyday and I wouldn't be reading to him like I do. As for the friends.. You realize who your true friends are when you get pregnant at a young age, my fault, yes, but a friend should be there no matter what- not just if you don't have a baby to take care of. The remaining friends have either moved away for college or to start a new life for themselves, have jobs and are enjoying being young w/o kids, are pregnant or just had a baby. I would definitely like to see you stay in the house all day everyday w/o any means of transportation except for a cab that you don't have money for and see if you don't ever get depressed! And no, I'm not going to impose myself on someone else. They know my situation and if they want to help, they tell me and I accept it. But the fact that they have lives of their own and can't exactly stop to come out of their way to come get me (I don't live near most of them and the one that I DO live near I have already explained that she just had her baby on Monday- so she's kind of out of the question! Brand new baby+deployed husband.. yeah, I am not going to ask her. She has enough to do right now) remains and I am not going to do that to someone. Just b/c I didn't think your post was funny doesn't mean you have the right to say something like that. You don't know my day-to-day life. I really don't know why you expected me to think it was funny anyway.. Couldn't you tell I wasn't exactly in the joking mood? That's on you if you were offended that I didn't think it was funny.

Aundraya - posted on 01/29/2010

Guys are gonna watch porn, they just are---Kari Katzenmaier I disagree totally. My husband and I have had talks about this, and he agrees it's disgusting. He says there's no need for it, and if you can't control yourself then you need better discipline. In your case, I would switch it up on him. Ask him how he'd feel if you started watching sex tapes and fantasizing about other men. What if you went to a strip club? Would he be okay with it, b/c it's the same thing as watching porn. Sometimes when you word it that way it helps. As for all the other things, he needs to back off a bit. The key when you're talking to him is to remain calm. Maybe you could write out a schedule of what you do on a daily basis and see if that shuts him up for a bit. I don't agree with him on giving you ultimatums, but I am curious as to why you have no license. I think that would come in handy for you, especially with a little one to cart around. Good luck with everything, and I hope you can work things out.

Stacy - posted on 01/29/2010

wow .. maybe i am taking this the wrong way but to me that was rude . very rude. there is no need to use that type of language with someone . no need for it at all... and who are you to know what she does? and who are you to tell her to " get off her ass" ... you do not know what she is going though .... but like i said maybe i am taking it the wrong way...

Rebecca - posted on 01/29/2010

Ok since you didnt think my earlier comment was funny I will say what I am really thinking. Get off the computer, get off your ass and start doing something! if you cant get out of the house then clean it. you are a role model for your children. all i am reading are excuses. make some friends you will be suprised how many people are willing to help you if you just ask for it. oh and there are online GED classes!

Stacy - posted on 01/29/2010

so i am sitting here reading all of this and i can get both sides ,BUT sorry i agree with christina on this. i get upset when sean use to go to hooters ( might have to do with insecurties or my past job you can think what you want) but i explained to him how it made me feel.. and he does not go ... yes thier food might be good ( do not know im a vegetarian ) but he can get it to go .. bring it home and ill put it on a plate ... so... also the porn thing yeah i am deff with her on that one... she sent him pictures.. if i sent my husband pics and he STILL looked at porn i wouldent send him anymore and i would be hurt. that says im not what you find attractive lucky for me do not have that problem with him. as for an education . yes it is very important.. i got my H.S diploma and im in collage.. in case anything ever happens i want to know i can take care of our daughter . i mean i have befor without it but an education makes it easier . as for a routine. i have a beautiful 3 yr old. we have a routine but i leave room for just in case... as for work ...I am not going to pay 205 every 2 weeks... to be away from my daughter . my husband like christinas send me a allotment a month. we have a savings account that we put the rest in for an e fund ( and thank god too. the tranny went out and if we would have not been saving we would not be getting it taken care of ).. and he does not do it becuase he does not trust me . the car payment, all of our loans, and most of our bills come out of that account it is whatever is left over that is saved for our e fund..but anyways so if you think 700 a month after bills you have like 100 dollars that is like 50 a paycheck ( if you budget right) so lets say you have that you only have to come up with 200 a week you work a min wage job and part time .. you WOULD be paying to put your child in daycare. i love my daughter to death but i will not pay to be away from her . now i do understand helping your spouse and working. my husband knows when i get done with school. and our daughter is in school i will work a full time job. but he and i both know right now that is not what needs to happen. as for the DL yeah that is an important thing to have but i know many wives that do not have one.. i know people are going to pick apart everything i have said and that is fine . i am open to critisim. i am thick skinned and i prob have had a lot worse said to me .

C. - posted on 01/29/2010

I'm sorry, Chrisandra, but I'm not going to lie to my husband about what's going on. He knows I am trying to work on things. For the last time, I know I need to get my Diploma and driver's license and my son and I DO have a schedule. The way I can stop stressing my husband out is to actually do the things that we have agreed that I will do, b/c once he comes home and finds out I lied about it, he's going to be stressing more than he would have been while deployed b/c that's more stuff for him to worry about when he gets back. Please read my post to Kanedric regarding the porn. Second to last paragraph. I sent my husband pictures for a reason, he chose to continue looking at porn. How would you feel about that if it was you in this situation? It would probably make you feel kind of crappy, wouldn't it? Like your husband didn't find you attractive enough to ONLY look at you instead of reverting back to porn. It just kind of hurt and already battling depression it just made everything else worse.

I know I'm not his child- and I do feel like I am sometimes- but I still can't lie to him about it. Even if I did, my MIL would tell my husband otherwise, so that would mean lying to her, to my FIL, to my BIL and so on.. A cycle that in the end would kick me right in the middle of my butt! It's not worth it to me. The only way I can get him off my back is to do the things we agreed on and try to do more than that to surprise him to show him that Yes, I can do it. But unfortunately, like I've already posted, that's going to have to wait until I can at least get my license (I believe the part explaining that best is in my post to Kenisha, towards the end of the first paragraph).

Now, to all the rest that are following this thread and would like to put your two cents in, read my last posts to Kenisha and Kanedric- they explain a lot. And for the millionth (and hopefully last) time, I know I need to get my Diploma and my driver's license. My son and I are already on a schedule. Thanks for all your input!

Chrisandra - posted on 01/29/2010

Ok honey this is what it is. Make him THINK you're meeting all his demands. He doesn't have to know that you sleep til 12 or that you don't do laundry everyday. Some of his 'demands' make sense for you. You really should get your GED and drivers license these will help you in the long run. A routine is good for the baby & for you.
Bottom line look out for self while he's gone and don't worry about the porn. I'm not gonna say it's normal, but would you rather he be watching movies or in the bed w someone else?
The key to an easy deployment is to be a yes woman. Even if you don't do things his way, he thinks you do; he stresses less, which means less stress for you. When my husband came back he realized how hard it was for me being a single parent and once he saw that I truly had a handle on things he stepped back. The best revenge is proving that you can do things for yourself. You are not his child, but his wife.

C. - posted on 01/29/2010

Thanks, Julia.. Too bad I don't :/ That would have been a great help.

Julia - posted on 01/29/2010

To be honest with you Christina...if you lived closer to Columbia, I would have no problems taking you where ever you needed to go and I would also watch your son for you whenever you needed it.

C. - posted on 01/28/2010

@Tah.. I got that, but I am hardly in the joking mood..

@Kanedric.. I know what the point is. BUT there are many things that helped my husband and I decide what's best for the both of us and our son. I KNOW I need to further my education, that is not the problem. The problem is how I would get to and from the base, pay for classes and daycare and a cab (b/c I don't have my license yet).. I would literally be deep in debt! We can't afford the classes or anything right now, but most of all we cannot afford going into debt. I didn't have an excuse for all the advice given, Kanedric. I took the advice to heart. But unless I can find someone who literally does absolutely nothing during the day that HAS a driver's license and HAS a car, it's not going to be physically possible! What DID upset me is that AFTER I further explain my situation and make it quite clear that BOTH my husband and I talked about it over and over again and kept coming to the SAME conclusion, people STILL tell me, Oh it's possible.. Look what I did! Well you know what? I am happy for all of you that overcame obstacles, I really am! But at the same time, none of you are currently in my situation and none of you really know what would work for my situation. What gets me is that even my MIL agrees with my husband's and my decision! We almost NEVER agree on anything when it comes to work or education! But then all of you come at me and tell me all I have is excuses? Come live in my shoes for a week and you'll see what it's like. Not having a driver's license further deepens my depression b/c I am stuck in the house day in and day out. There is nothing I would rather do right now than work b/c w/o help w/ my son and going through depression, things can get crazy. And I would like nothing more than to escape my everyday life at times. I love my son, but he really knows how to push my buttons and it always happens on a day that is always going bad. Getting away at class or work would be wonderful right now b/c then I wouldn't get so frustrated with my son and lash out at him for every little thing. I HATE yelling at him. He's still so young but sometimes everything gets so overwhelming and I feel like I lose control. Do you all REALLY think that I would rather continue this downward spiral with the relationship with my child instead of going somewhere else like class??? I know you all want me to succeed and that my husband wants to as well.. But do you all honestly think that I DON'T want to succeed?? I WANT to be successful, I WANT to start my own business OR I have even thought of becoming a Nurse-Midwife. But right now it just isn't going to work out until I can at least get my driver's license. I could at least get a job right down the road from me if I did get my license. The thing holding me back from doing that now is that it is in the complete opposite direction as my mom's job and the daycare is about 15 more minutes down the road, furthering my mom's now 15 minute drive to work to a whopping 45 minute drive- IF she's lucky! She has enough on her plate right now for me to do that to her!

Excuse me, but I do have a routine for my child, thank you. I DO lay down the rules. And I never said I can't clean b/c he gets into everything. I never said I couldn't clean at all! I set him in the playpen in the bedroom if I need to throw some laundry in or do the dishes and I leave the door wide open when I do. And no, it's not just me and my son. It's also my brother and my mom who BOTH work long hours!

I now the Lord tells us wives to submit to our husbands, but you know? It's kind of hard when your husband is trying to cheat on you! Read previous posts for the details. And I am his "porn star" thank you very much.. It was still apparently not enough. Ok, for the ones I haven't sent a PM to explaining this, I have sent pictures to my husband after he promised me the first time that he was going to quit looking at porn b/c I know that men are visually stimulated and they have a very strong sexual desire and I knew he would "need" something while he was gone for so long and I'd rather him look at me-his wife- than some nasty porn star on the screen. I am everything my husband needs in the bedroom. The majority of the time that my husband and I were intimate, I had on lingerie that HE picked out and.. Well let's not go further on this.. I do whatever my husband desires me to do in the bedroom within reason.

My problem with him asking some of those things was that we had talked about certain things before I left Hawaii (like the driver's license and Diploma, smoking). Everything else he conveniently left out until this month.

C. - posted on 01/28/2010

@Kenisha.. My husband gives me $700/month through an Allotment. $200 goes to rent, the rest towards my son's clothes, diapers, wipes and food and yes, my cigarettes (and I am down to 1 pack every week and a half, so I have been doing a lot better about that). I rarely have enough left over each month and a lot of times my mom has to chip in for another pack of diapers at that point until I can get my next Allotment deposit and I am lucky enough that she lets me eat whatever I want in the house so I don't have to pay for my own food, she lets me use as much water as needed, as much electricity as I want- All in all I think $200/month is QUITE reasonable considering the great lengths she has gone for me, INCLUDING taking a trip to Hawaii to help me out on the way back home. As for where the rest of the money goes from my husband's check, we have about a $280/month payment on storage in Hawaii, car payments (he got in a car accident and we had to get another car, I think it was a little more expensive than our previous car, but that should be payed off in a couple of months), insurance payments, $10/month to have our cell phones on standby while he's deployed, and honestly I can't remember where the rest of the money goes b/c we don't have a joint bank account and I don't have access to his account. My husband was only an E3 when he deployed. He made his E4 and now he is studying so he can go in front of the Board to try and make the cut for his E5 before he comes out for R&R.

No, they don't have anything other than a Taxi where I live and paying for a Taxi, daycare, Diploma classes.. all on top of my current expenses, I would be in debt. Even if I completely cut out cigarettes, I would still be in debt. It's about 30 minutes to the nearest base from where I live and that would be one hefty cab fare going back and forth everyday.

Once again, I already told everybody that I do want to further my education, but it is going to have to wait until I can at least get my license. My MIL and I are going back to the DMV in about 5 1/2 more weeks to try for my test, so hopefully it won't be long.

I used to be independent until I had my son and it seemed like everything after that just went down hill for me. I had gained almost 100 pounds during my pregnancy (I was depressed a lot, long story), my husband had just left for Hawaii about a 5 or 6 weeks before my due date, he didn't get to see our son until he was almost 5 months old, I moved from SC to HI while already battling PPD, then I continued to go deeper into depression b/c I was so far away from home with my first baby at 20 years old, didn't really know anyone in Hawaii.. I had met a few of my husband's buddies wives. The first one was really jealous b/c my husband had been going over there just about everyday while I was still back home and she knew I was going through depression and continued to tell my husband things like "She's lazy, you need to send her back to SC" or "You're doing marriage counseling? You haven't even been married a year! It's never going to work out" and even things like "You can come over, but leave your wife and son at home". She made most of my stay in Hawaii a living hell. And on Easter '09 she cursed me out for no reason at all and then they harassed us to no end, even getting their 13 yr old daughter to text my husband and ask what he was doing. And on top of that, she sent the MPs out to my house to check up on me, saying she was my neighbor that hadn't seen me in a while and she was concerned. They came 3 times, I finally asked if it was ------- -------- who was calling them and they denied it. I said Thank God b.c if it was I was going to have to get a restraining order against her b/c we already told her we didn't want any type of contact with them. Wouldn't you know that was the last time they came by.. Go figure. And then another one of my husband's buddies quit talking to me after she asked if they could come over for 4th of July and I told her we were in SC for my husband's block leave, b/c we were until July 11th, and that was the last I ever heard from her. I also wouldn't give her the diet pills that I had taken b/c they had made my heart race and I don't have anything like high/low blood pressure or anything and it specifically said if you DO have high/low blood pressure, not to take them and she had HBP. I think that was also a deciding factor with her not talking to me, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable and would have blamed myself had anything happened to her. Anyway, all that to say that I USED to be independent, but being emotionally beat down by some people while going through depression, it's hard to get back up.

I understand what you are saying, but when we get back to Hawaii, we won't have an almost $300/month payment on storage and we're going to try and look into getting back into base housing to save money, too. I live with my mom to save money and b/c I don't have my license. The apartments nearby are about $700 or $800/month- and I know that b/c my friend that just had a baby actually moved there after her husband was deployed b/c she wanted to be closer to her family (but not live WITH her family :) after she had her first baby. Thanks for all your input. I will be taking things into consideration. Congratulations on the fairly new marriage, by the way! Best wishes on that!

Tah - posted on 01/28/2010

@Kanedric...well said...

Kanedric - posted on 01/28/2010

I have sat in read everyones post in response to your post and I tried not to respond at all but I everytime I login and out of your post it kept troubling my heart. I needed to respond but didn't know how,so I waited until I felt I was lead and now I am comfortable with responding. I am a mother of four I lived far away from any of my family members and really had no help other than my children and no I wasn't marry to my husband but I had no job, no money, and no education. I decided that if I wanted anything and life I would have to get my GED so I did and I am the first to tell you it was hard as heck but I pressed through it, and obtained it,I went on to get my certificate in Medical assistant and I am now in college working toward my Associate in Business Management and now marry.I know you're like whats the point,the point is there should never be an excuse and you apparently have lot of them...The women are right for everything they have suggested you have had and excuse for it. So why ask for advice if there were excuses for all of the advice given. You only continues to upset yourself..All of theses women that have responded are pretty much saying the samething, so I only see as you didn't want advice you wanted people to agree with you,and they can't because they want the samething your husband wants for you. Your best! listen to what you say in response to the cleaning, I can't clean because my 19 month old gets into everything, What are you serious clean at night while hes asleep, you say he gets into everything stop him lay down rules oh and yes although he's 19months he can be taught,set a nap time you set the tone for your child you set the routin for your child so set them, yes its going to be hard but you're the parent set them and be firm.When you lay him down and he gets back up lay him back down and keep doing it until he stays down,yes he's going to cry because he knows you will give up if he does,but you have to let him know that your in charge not him,stand firm and obtain your goal get him on the routin. If the house is clean through the night then it is clean through out the day,all that should need to be done is tidying up after all its just you and the baby through out the day so clean behind the two of you as soon as there a mess. There are online classes you can take for your GED and yes a small loan may be require in case there is no money(but you can pay those back by paying on 50 a month or 25a month or even when you get your taxes) it doesn't really cost that much about $600 to a $1000,and there are free online GED courses you can take since getting out the house is a problem,and you can also continue your education online if possible,and you can use your husband military to get discounts towards your schooling, or even his BAH if he has one. Being marry isn't easy and beening a mother is even harder but the Lords never puts more on you than you can bear. He also says wives submit unto your husbands so if he's asking you to do your wifely duties then do them. Also the porn thing you can't change you husband so stop trying when there's a problem with him take it to the Lord in prayers,and watch him move on the situation the word never said husband submit unto your wives, voice your opinion to him and if he doesn't get it then take it to prayer,and aloud God to deal with him, or do you no believe in God. Which will be strange if you don't because I do believe that lustful in the heart or eyes came from the word also. Not saying that you don't but simply stating. As for the porn, not that its right he is in Iraq and he does have need,yes his job is dangerous but he is still human and still have needs, they're not always in the field they do have time when they're in the bunkers awaiting a mission, and the needs to arise, so instead of complaining be his porn star or do you not have moral for that aswell...tell him to get a laptop with camera,technology has come so far get a cam for your computer and talk and play with one another, hey when he comes home make him a porn angle it so its only your bodies and not your faces in case of fear for someone else seeing it.you say your insecure with your body men done look at that especially if your his wife he doesn't care I know it hard but hey I wen through the samething my husband like porn,but I'm his pron now,he doesn't even look at porn any more,you are a wife,you need to be everything that your husband needs(within reason of course) or he will find someone that will...and given the military divorce rate and what you have been through already its not hard for him to find someone that will. Marriage isn't easy it require scarifice, and at times you may not like whats being asked but you will learn that its give in take. and thats base on submission,when you submit in one area a door is open in another area. But I leave you with this from the book of proverbs 31, it is my rock so that I don't allow myself to make excuses, it gives me something to strive for each day. May God Bless you and give you guidance in your quests.
The Wife of Noble Character
10 Who can find a noble wife?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband trusts her completely.
She gives him all the important things he needs.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She chooses wool and flax.
She loves to work with her hands.
14 She is like the ships of traders.
She brings her food from far away.
15 She gets up while it is still dark.
She provides food for her family.
She also gives some to her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it.
She uses some of the money she earns to plant a vineyard.
17 She gets ready to work hard.
Her arms are strong.
18 She sees that her trading earns a lot of money.
Her lamp doesn't go out at night.
19 With one hand she holds the wool.
With the other she spins the thread.
20 She opens her arms to those who are poor.
She reaches out her hands to those who are needy.
21 When it snows, she's not afraid for her family.
All of them are dressed in the finest clothes.
22 She makes her own bed coverings.
She is dressed in fine linen and purple clothes.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate.
There he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen clothes and sells them.
She supplies belts to the traders.
25 She puts on strength and honor as if they were her clothes.
She can laugh at the days that are coming.
26 She speaks wisely.
She teaches faithfully.
27 She watches over family matters.
She is busy all the time.
28 Her children stand up and call her blessed.
Her husband also rises up, and he praises her.
29 He says, "Many women do noble things.
But you are better than all the others."
30 Charm can fool you. Beauty fades.
But a woman who has respect for the Lord should be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned.
Let everything she has done bring praise to her at the city gate.

Julia - posted on 01/28/2010

Oh Tah....PICKLES ARE SO GROSS!!!! (I really hate pickles but I am trying to make everyone laugh....I love to make people laugh)

Tah - posted on 01/28/2010

pretty sure rebecca was joking..trying to lighten this post mood..lol....fried pickles r the best..lol...

Kenisha - posted on 01/28/2010

You know I really thought twice about replying anymore to your post but I have been reading them...I do have some questions...When you say u cant afford this or that because of the money situation I dont quiet understand that if he is in Iraq...He is making alot of money..I know before me and my husband got married and he was in Iraq he was sending me 1000 dollars at a time...I mean i seen his check and without dependents he was making at 4000 a month if not more...Another thing that kind of bothered me was that u said u have to work around everyone else to take u somewhere...Do they not have public transportation like buses or something of that nature...I mean there are alot of options out there but you have to look for them cause the state isnt going to help u out...They wont tell u what u are entitled too...I mean I want everyone to succeed and I understand about the porn thing but to me I find it funny cause all them women are fake..I used to laugh at them and just think how could they put themselves out there for the world to see but anyway that was way off subject...U know I dont want to say ur making excuses about doing this and doing that because the truth of the matter is only u and ur husband know the whole story we only see what is presented by you and its ur side of the story...But sometimes when u want things u have to look for urself cause nobody else is going to help u...This is my second marriage and I dont regret my first one we just didnt get along but we do now go figure lol...but in that marriage he used to always tell me that i needed to be more indepenedent and i was scared to be that way...He would tell me I could do it but I didnt think that I could because I was scared...So when I finally decided to leave and move out I did it...Honestly I dont know how I did it but I did it...I worked a fulltime job and almost all the time I was working over time...I was raising my then 10 yr old daughter and taking her to diff sports activities and going to school online fulltime..and some days it did overwhelm me but I did what I had to do to survive and not have to depend on any man...because the truth is when ur married to the military anything can happen...some men just get tired and leave and then what are we to do when we spent the last 8 years or whatever following behind them...so this time around I am married again not a year yet but I have known him since 5th grade...but I just got a job at the Detention Center and I refuse to be dependent on any man and I am not moving because that is my choice...I am getting ready to be 32 and I need to make sure that me and my daughter are taken care of and thats how u need to look at things...U need to be like if he were to leave what would I do?? I am not saying he will but that will help to put things into perspective...But just know that going to Hawaii and not having the finaces that u need will only add extra strain..I was paying a civlian woman to keep my daughter and she was only going part time but I was paying her almost 400 a month I mean really you have to do what is going to be best for u and ur son cause that is who comes first...And I dont know about u but living with family wouldnt have been an option for me cause I know what it feels like to have freedom and do whatever it is that i want...lol...I will never live with family again...Live close yes but that is where I draw the line...Anyway I wish u the best of luck but it was really bothering me..But u should really look up stuff to find out what u can do for urself as far as school is concerened cause without that u cant even get a job at McDonalds...Be blessed

C. - posted on 01/28/2010

PLEASE! That is hardly important, Rebecca! And for the record, I already stated whether or not I would go there and how I feel about it. Please read the last comment @Paula, towards the end of the comment, you will get your answer. Thank you.

Rebecca - posted on 01/27/2010

no one has asked the truly important question. have you ever been to a Hooters? They have awesome tatertots!

C. - posted on 01/27/2010

Thank you so much, Jennifer! I will definitely try to look into therapy. I had gone once before by myself when I was younger and a few times for marriage counseling w/ my husband just last April. It really does help. Thank you for all your encouragement about everything. You have been a tremendous help! I'll definitely keep you posted. Take care!

Jennifer - posted on 01/27/2010

Well I'm glad to hear that you're trying to work out your differences because what matters most when trying to resolve issues in a relationship is motivation and it sounds like you both are motivated. That's very hopeful :)

It is really hard to change part of your personality and I hope that he understands that it can take time. When my husband and I first got married we were dealing with a lot of problems like that also. For him it was that I didn't say 'I love you' or show enough affection because that just wasn't the way I was raised. It took at least a few months and possibly up to a year for me to change enough for him to stop bringing it up anymore. It was hard but definitely worth it. Dealing with control could prove to be a bit more difficult just because of the context. Sometimes when we feel like we're not in control of our significant other we can feel like our WHOLE life is spinning out of control. That's what I'm concerned about most, is that you having to deal with all of this AND his deployment at once.

It sounds like you've been through a lot in your lifetime. I'm sorry that your father passed when you were so young, that must have been very difficult to deal with. Especially at such a young age. My grandfather passed away when I was 9 and at that point in my life I really didn't understand it and to this day I wish I had dealt with it differently. And I'm sorry about your brother. I have friends with bipolar disorder so I know how painful an experience that can be for him and for everyone who cares about him. You sound like an incredibly strong individual to have gone through everything you have.

When I was younger I felt like I could just deal with the depression and eventually it would go away. (I was adopted and had a lot of built up sadness and anger because of it plus low self esteem because I thought that nobody 'wanted' me.) Before I had my kids I was OK. But once I got pregnant with my first son the hormones got the best of me and I was put on anti depressants when I was 6 months pregnant. I stayed on them for about 6 months but in that time I saw a psychologist who really helped me to work out all the built up feelings that I had. She convinced me to try to find my birthmother and, thanks to her, I did. That was the best decision I could have made at that time but without her I never would have done it. And when I was ready to come off my antidepressants she was there for me. She helped me deal with a lot of things that might have had a much worse affect on me if I didn't have her.

I recommend that, if the depression keeps coming up, you should think about talk therapy. Sometimes it's good to be able to talk to someone who just listens and who's sole purpose is to help you improve your life. The good thing about psychologists is that they don't prescribe medication, so if you know you need help but are not ready for meds I would try to set up an appointment with one. They might also be able to help you in your quest to become less overbearing and might have some good insight to things that one would never even realize about themselves. They can help answer the question 'why do we do the things that we do' and 'why do THEY do the things that THEY do'.

Well, please keep me posted as to how everything is going for you. I hope that things go as well as they possibly can. Good luck!

C. - posted on 01/27/2010

@Jennifer.. I know I cam be overbearing at times, but that is something that I am working on and my husband knows that I am working on it as well. It's not going to happen overnight, but over a period of some time. I don't mind hearing that part, it's a known fact that I can nag, but I do try not to, especially after the mess it has caused in our marriage. It's just not worth nagging and unfortunately it took finding things out a few months ago- and a few things within the last month- to realize this. I was thinking about talking to my doctor about antidepressants too, but I'm not sure they would recommend them now. I am out of PPD, but I still suffer from bouts of depression from other things in my life and have been suffering since I was 9 when my dad passed away. I guess you could say that I thought I was strong enough to do it on my own- and I was, until I had my son 19m ago and now everything has started going back down hill. I know PPD has affected my relationship with my son a good bit and I don't want any other type of depression affecting it any further. Thankfully my son is happy and healthy for now, but I know if this continues it won't be long until he resents me for not getting help from someone or something. My brother also takes antidepressants. He suffers from severe depression and Bipolar disorder, so I see how it has affected his life before he got help and I don't want that for my life. About the porn.. I'll send you a PM. He does understand (now, anyway) that being a mom 100% of the time is difficult, but he's used to his mom working a lot, so I'm trying to understand where he's coming from also. Thank you for posting. You're very sweet :)

Jennifer - posted on 01/27/2010

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such problems, especially while he is away because I know from experience that that can make things harder to resolve. My husband was in Iraq for a year also. He came back for about a year and then was gone for 7 months... came back for another 3 weeks and now he's gone for another 8 months. I know how stressing separation can be on a relationship. It sounds like you have been through a lot yourself.

I had PPD with both of my children. It really takes a lot out of you. I would suggest possibly talking with your doctor to see if you might benefit from talk therapy or some anti depressants. I found that, for me, it helped a lot with my mood. I only took them for about 6 months each time just to help get me back into a good routine and mind set. I feel so bad now because I know that my depression affected my kids and I just wish that I hadn't waited so long to get help. I know it's not for everyone, but it can be truly helpful. Especially if he's going to be in Iraq for a while. Sometimes we just need a little help getting back on our feet.

As far as the porn goes, the way I try to think of it is that I'd rather him get it out of his system with porn rather than cheating. I feel the same way as you, it brings out the jealousy in me also, but at least it IS only a computer screen and not a human being. Women were put on this earth to nurture. Men have an uncontrollable sex drive because they were put on this earth to procreate. We have an innate desire to take care for things and they have an innate desire to release themselves (if you know what I mean...).

As far as the 'start working' goes... if you're a mom, you have a full time job already. And without him around it's even harder. He should try to understand that.

All in all, even though you don't want to hear this, I think that if you want to keep your husbands interest you should try to loosen up a bit. Please don't take that as an insult. I'm not trying to insult you in any way, shape or form. You asked for advice and I'm just trying to help. To me, it looks like you might be a little too overbearing for him at times. That might be the reason he's 'venturing out'. From my experience too little control is bad because then they feel like they can just do whatever they want, when they want. But too much can be even worse because although you're trying to help the relationship you're actually pushing him away. Don't push him away if you love him. Sometimes the compromise is worth it.

I truly hope that you can resolve everything with your husband. I'm rooting for you!

C. - posted on 01/27/2010

I am trying, Tah. Whether you believe me or not, I am trying. Please read my response to Julia. I don't know, maybe it will help you see what I'm trying to explain. Though knowing you, you'll probably see it as nothing but excuses. And if that's the case, then I welcome you to come meet my family and see for yourself and for you to spend a day or two in my shoes.

LaLasha - posted on 01/26/2010

Tell him try as he might he can't control you from there and to stop taking his fear and stress out on you. Because that is what this is he is out of control and no matter what he says in a scary place. My husband had this problem I told him the bis and didn't engage him when he would have this mood. It is all you can do. Tell him this behavoir is not ok and then remove yourself from it. You will feel like his mother but he is acting like a child. It sucks but it helps and you will be less stressed. Hope this helped.

C. - posted on 01/26/2010

Julia, the AF base is IN Charleston. I am in Ladson, which is about 30 minutes away. I don't have a driver's license at the moment, so going anywhere I would either be at the mercy of my mother (who is away until Friday), or get a taxi- which costs money. I AM working on getting my license though, it's just hard to go practice now that my mom is the GM at the Hotel and works 10-12 hours a day (that's how it was when she started and that's probably how it will be for a little while when she gets back. The man that I was talking about before that died used to work at the Hotel w/ my mom and my brother- so obviously at least one worker's gone- and the girl that started working there around the same time my mom did 6 years ago had a nervous breakdown after she came into work last friday and ended up leaving a couple hours into her shift and never came back. My mom was just about to leave too, since she'd been there since 7a and it was about 430p-5p when the girl left and my mom ended up working until 11p). Quite honestly I am tired of people pleading that I get my GED or Diploma. I will when I can. I want to have my own business some day and therefore I will not only get my GED/Diploma, but also a Master's in Business Management. I would like to start my own business when my kids (God willing that I have more than just my one son) are still young and I'd be able to make my own hours and possibly make it so that I could even work from home. My oldest sister is 15 minutes away from me. She has 3 kids ages 3 1/2, 2 1/2, and 4 months. Her husband works during the day and one Saturday a month and she has 4 animals. She watched my son for 2 days while I went with my mom on our Church's Women's Retreat (my mom paid my way as part of my Christmas present) and that was hard enough on her. I am not going to ask her to watch my son. My brother lives here with my mom; He is the Assistant Manager at the Hotel that my mom works at and works 5 days a week and on an occasion like this where my mom is gone for training, 7 days or more- depending on how long my mom is gone for whatever reason- be it vacation or classes to be a certified manager. My second oldest sister lives all the way in Charlotte, NC- so she's out of the question. My MIL works 5 days a week, my FIL the same and my BIL works a ton- not sure how much but it's at least 5 days a week and I'm not sure that I would trust him in the first place all by himself. My friend that lives right down the road just had her baby yesterday, so she's also out of the question, especially b/c her husband is deployed and it's hard enough with your first newborn. One of my best friends moved to Texas several months ago, another best friend works constantly.. Basically nothing has turned out exactly as I had hoped it would when I came back. Oh, and my brother is also working on his license and he's taking a taxi to work all week. So even if he wasn't working, he still wouldn't be able to help out much. I really appreciate your advice, I just want you to know that. But unfortunately it just isn't going to work out until I can at least get my license. My husband and I have talked about it just the other week when we were starting to work things out, and he's fine with me getting my Diploma after we get back to Hawaii, if it's not possible to get it before, just as long as I get it soon enough. One thing that's REALLY motivating me is I really want another baby, but I don't really want to have another one until I get a few things out of the way, like my Diploma, that way if I need to get a job for extra financial support just so we can have another baby, then it won't be quite as hard to find a job.

Tah - posted on 01/26/2010

Yes i'm perfect, that's it. But, you can't just say what you want to me or at me and think that won't post anymore. Why because I can. When someone post something and leaves it open for advice to be given, the people who post go off of the information that is given. so if your giving half a story that what we have to go on, The truth may hurt, apparently, because your so upset. If you don't live near a base fine, apply for naccara, they help subsidize daycare through civilians. My salary has nothing to do with anything, i was agreeing with julia in the way the daycare uses yur income to gauge what you are charged. I was saying that we pay half of what i would have in the civilian world, 204 a week is what we would pay, 204 bi-weekly is what we pay, i was letting you know that as well. If money problems have been a problem for so long, then why not try and find something affordable, there are people who run in home daycares that charge pennnies but give good care, i am trying to be nice, here because i know i can be blunt sometimes, you may want to stay home, but if money has been a problem for you for so long, then why can't you help out now untill things get better,. Your son is still small. I stand by what i said, other people may be saying things to you in a nice way, but they are saying what i am saying. but have you noticed that everytime someone suggest something, you have a reason it wouldn't work for you, its like a cycle, you can't do this because of that and that because of this. If you have a problem with porn and hooters fine, Whether you believe this not, i really do want the best for you and your family, i am all about women, esp military wives empowering themselves. You can tell when people really really want something. Being a sahm is a hard job, but sometimes husbands need some help outside of that and if they are asking for it, you may not want to do it but, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do for the sake of the family, it's called sacrifice. I am watching wives to the left and right of me right now get treated like crap, and alot of them are not in a position to go...I want all every women to be in a good position. sometimes when we are in something we can't see it, or we don't accept things about ourselves, but someone looking in(with the provided information) can see things whether we agree or want to hear those things is something different. I am keeping up, believe me, you explained everything again, and i don't see anything explained any differently, so i think i have been keeping up very well. People only know people by their post and repsonses to them, and what they tell. People on here may not know that am one of the nicest people you will ever meet( not me talking) that i am funny, that i will, and have given the shirt off my back, that i get up 2 in the am to go pick up friends whose husbands have decided they weren't helping and wanted them out, and when she decides she hasn't had enough i take her back because who am i to tell her to leave, but i what i do and will continue to do is challenge people to do better, to love and respect themselves first, to not let themselves be taken advantage of and to not waste opportunities that can be taken to get ahead.. I would love to apologize for what i said, but i would be lying, but I could have been more tactful, another thing people would never know about me is i'm the first to say i'm wrong and that i'm not perfect. I have to work hard with babies on my hip since i was 16 for everything i have and i am just saying it can be done, if you want it....if you don't really want it or your not ready for it, then that's something else. and even though you may think otherwise, i would hate to see anybody caught out there with their pants down, lack of communication ina relationship is a big thing, but even if he didn't tell you any of these things before, he's telling you now. what you do with it is up to u..But i still reserve the right to post to anything people say because that is the point and they have the same right on mine......now again, best of luck...

Paula - posted on 01/26/2010

I kinda of understand the Hooters thing it kinda grosses me out and luckuly my husband thinks that place is discusting(i know I spelt that wrong) I am very lucky to have a husband that really doesnt get into Porn that I know of...If he does he is VERY good at hiding it...I really wouldnt go either but I am just trying to give you a Happy medium you know what I mean... I really dont like Public hair in my food and another womans boobs sitting in my face letting me know that mine are smaller than hers...lol I think you are just very fustrated and dont know where to turn...with no help really from what i can tell you dont really have much of a support system where you are??!! I was just trying to give you a happy medium that was all....!!!

Julia - posted on 01/26/2010

Christina,
I know you aren't in Hawaii now...you are about 2 hours south of me right now in Charleston correct? But I do have a question. Don't take this the wrong way but why can't you get your diploma while your husband is deployed? Jackson is up here and isn't there an AF base near Charleston? If day care is the issue...aren't you near family isn't there anyone you would trust to watch your son for a few hours while you go to school? Just throwing some more options out there for you. I'm all for going to school and bettering yourself. Hell I had to kick my sister out on the streets to finally light the fire up her ass to get some kind of an education I just don't want to see something like that happen to you. There is a lot more to that story please no one comment on it, it still hurts that I had to do that to my sister and we still don't speak because of it and we were very close before.

C. - posted on 01/26/2010

Yes, I know the waiting lists are a mile and a half long. We tried to get my son on the list before. We already knew we would have to pull a few strings to get him into daycare out there soon after my husband gets back, that's not a problem. Thank you! Oh I will :)

Kenisha - posted on 01/26/2010

Just so u know I lived in Hawaii for a year...And to get ur child into military day care is hard because the spaces are so limited...I had to get a civilian person to watch my daughter and tell u what its not cheap no matter the age..Childcare isnt going to be cheap no matter where u go...But everyone can do it if you try..I have read "some" of the previous post and dont want to get into all that but I just wanted u to know from experience with childcare because I used to work in it also its not that easy because the demand is so high...So before moving to hawaii see what you have to do to get on the list ahead of time cause there can be a wait...I wish u and ur husband the best of luck...tell ur MIL to mind her business :-)

C. - posted on 01/26/2010

@Paula.. Please read above posts where I have explained that I have had problems w/ my husband trying to get with someone else and the ones where I explain WHY I consider porn cheating (if I remember correctly it states about how men think of the porn stars instead of their spouse, so they are cheating with their heart and mind which I feel is just as bad as physically cheating). I didn't have as big of a problem that my husband went to Hooters, but the fact that he took our son when he knew how I felt about that place and tried to hide it really just pissed me off! And no, I will never step foot in that place. It's something that I feel strongly about.

C. - posted on 01/26/2010

@Courtney.. Of course I wanted feedback, but once someone has already stated their opinion about one thing and they keep going on about it knowing my opinion on it, it REALLY irks me. That's funny about the DVDs, though.. Maybe I'll try that if I ever find DVDs like that in my house :) I did become more laid back about the porn, I quit bugging him about it for a good while- several months- and come to find out he was still watching it even though he knew I considered it cheating. And I have had problems with him emailing another girl and trying to hang out with her, so while you're sure your husband won't leave you for a porn star, I'm still not able to fully trust that mine won't leave me for one. I do try to clean while my son's sleeping. But he hardly ever naps anymore, no matter what I do.

C. - posted on 01/26/2010

@Julia.. I appreciate that you posted the sites.. However, during the duration of my husband's deployment, I am not in Hawaii. That is why I was saying that we would have to wait to put my son into daycare and get my classes done- B/c I don't have everyday access to the base nearest me (I'm lucky if we can get there once every two weeks), so yes I would be paying JUST for daycare and gas. But thank you again, that helps whenever I head back out to Hawaii. And I just wanted to say that I wasn't trying to be short with you earlier.. Sorry if you took it that way.

C. - posted on 01/26/2010

@Tah.. Yes, I aired my dirty laundry for all to comment on it. My point in asking you to stop criticizing how I feel about Hooters was that you have already stated earlier on in the post how you felt about it.. I get it! You don't have a problem with it for your children.. Fine! I DO happen to have a problem with it and I will not just be a sitting duck if someone tells me they want to take my young child there. I have compromised my values and morals enough in my life, but I refuse to continue doing so now that I have a child! NOW LAY OFF! I got your point!

"who in the world would spray one thing in the bathroom with with clorox and the rest with water, why not twice a week what else are you doing, I mean these are basic things that you are lacking sweet pea"

Like I said, I have worked on that! I failed to do simple tasks when I was going through PPD, but I already stated that I have started coming out of that several months ago and I'm doing better. Thank you! And I was comparing how I clean to how my MIL cleans. I prefer to sanitize everything if I'm going to go ahead and sanitize one thing.. That was my point!!!!

"you say yourself, we can't afford this and that,"

I said money was an issue IF I went to school out here and IF my son was in daycare out here. Since I am not close to any base, I don't get the luxury of taking the affordable Diploma classes and the daycare that bases the amount you pay on your salary!

No, actually he never said those things in one way or another before! That's why we have a LOT of problems in our marriage, b/c both of us had communication issues!

"but now it's only a issue if you go and actually do something constructive with yourself"

Um, NO Tah, that's not how it works. Our money problems since I've been back home have ALWAYS been an issue, but ESPECIALLY if I have to go and pay out the fucking wazoo b/c I'm not able to go on base every single day for daycare and classes! Keep up, PLEASE!

"but he is already choosing his mother over you"

No, Tah.. He's always chosen his mother over me since the day we met. He's finally starting to realize that he needs to cut the chord.

"If it is that important to him, what is the problem"

The problem is that he was home alone a lot as a child and teenager. I want to be there for my kids. His mother didn't even have to work the majority of the time, but she was hardly ever home when he and his brother came home from school. They hardly ever had family time and family time is important to me- even the things many people now find silly, like board games- and we had a blast playing them. I want better for my kids. I want to be there emotionally and physically if and when they need me. THAT is the problem!

"its double that in civilian world so your right it can be done....if people want it..."

Um, hello! For the millionth time I am not in reach of the nearest base, Tah! So I am kind of living the Civilian life while my husband is deployed, or until I can at least get my license.


I am tired of you trying to make it sound like I am a bad person. I am trying, Tah. I am so glad that you are perfect, but I am far from it and I'll be the first to admit it. Thanks for posting, but I am going to ask you to quit posting. This was one of two posts ever on this site that made me upset. You don't know me, there is a lot to my story, so please don't act like you do know.

Paula - posted on 01/26/2010

Porn women are all fake....if you watch the Porn how to and documentries they have on it...(cause me I wonder why the heel they do it)....alot of those women that do it have major issues or Major insecrities....Most of them all air brushed....and all that sex they have is sooo fake....I understand not wanting him to watch it...but I agree with Courtney maybe if you just layed off of him for just alittle and see what he does...That is the best way to go about it..Like it really doesnt bother you...If watches it while he is deployed it isnt cutting into your sex life as of right then...so I honestly would rather my husband touch himself rather than someone else do it....I say when he goes to Hooters girl let your hair down and go with him....Have a goood time and enjoy the food and again try not to let it bother you....I think you are letting his ultimatums bother you....I would do what he asks within moderation when you can and Not tell him and Like tah said I think and just surprise him....By the way Tah You are freakin awesome I love your open opinions and how you dont sugar coat stuff.....But girl let your freak flag fly alittle and roll with it .....

Julia - posted on 01/26/2010

Christina,
I was just giving you the information you would need to try and maybe figure it in to whatever plan you guys go for. Now the price I gave you is for full time full day care. There are different prices for different hours, 5 days a week 5 hours, 2 days a week 5 hours, or 3 days a week 5 hours. The prices are all different but they go down... so depending on how many hours you will be working or going to school it may not cost that much. Good luck seriously...I wish you nothing but the best.

Tah - posted on 01/26/2010

also..ged is free or you coulod use the mycaa 6000 dollars if you found somewhere that was charging for whatever reason, your a spouse take advantage of it....at julia..we pay 412 a month for daycare 206 every 2 weeks its double that in civilian world so your right it can be done....if people want it...

C. - posted on 01/26/2010

Julia.. I said daycare in Hawaii was either free OR LOW-COST- I couldn't remember which, that's why I put both in the reply. I'll reply to the rest of you later.

Courtney - posted on 01/26/2010

Just wondering, Christina, why you are snapping at people who are just expressing their opinions.. You wanted feedback, didn't you?



I had a huge issue with porn also.. but I realized that it was just insecurities within myself. My boobs aren't perfect, my body isn't that firm, my tummy isn't that flat... just insecurities with these women who are on the screen. My husband has been watching porn for years and years before we even knew each other. I wasn't going to be able to stop him from watching it. It got to the point where he was hiding DVD's under the couch.. and when I would move the couch to vacuum, I would find a DVD and take my key and scratch "TRY WATCHING IT NOW!" on it. Haha..



I know that my husband loves me, and I know that he's not gonna leave me for a porn star. Once I started becoming a little more laid back, he relaxed and didn't watch porn at all until he deployed (but then again, that's pretty typical overseas). You can't change your husband by nagging and nagging.. he will never hear a word you say. MY OPINION.



On the cleaning topic, clean up while your son is napping. That's what I try to do...

Julia - posted on 01/26/2010

Ok I am just going to say this, I don't want to get into the rest of this discussion but Christina....NO daycare is not free in Hawaii HOWEVER it does go by how much money you make. There are different amounts and it all goes along with how much you get paid. For example I was an E4 married been in for 5 years and making BAH out there. I was in the second category. I had a former friend who was an E3 single and been in for less than 2 yrs and she was in the first category.



http://www.mwrarmyhawaii.com/images/CYSS...



http://www.mwrarmyhawaii.com/fees



Honestly if you fall into the first category full day care is only 196 a month which is SOOO cheap compared to anything else.



So really you wouldn't be going to work just to pay for day care...

Tah - posted on 01/25/2010

You can get over yourself sweetie, when you air your laundry for all to see then i can comment on it,and i can say what i want..you are certainly free to raise you child however you want, and you can believe that i am going to raise my 3 the same way. but i'm on the outside looking in and i say what some people say, i may just leave some of the sugar off of it. who in the world would spray one thing in the bathroom with with clorox and the rest with water, why not twice a week what else are you doing, I mean these are basic things that you are lacking sweet pea, it's not like he said go rush out and get a BA right now now now soldier, he said ,GED, LIcense, clean up...you say yourself, we can't afford this and that, i call a spade a spade sweetheart, you have more excuses than a little bit, I am so sure he didn't just go over there and have a epiphany....i'm sure he has said these things in one way or another before, you are needy and dependent, and men get tired of that..read the other post sweetie, i'm not the only one who feels like this alot of people are saying the same things...but since i'm just being critical, lets talk a walk, your used to that....lets look at ms. Shannon, "please please please don't fall into that old routine that so many spouses used to have..get your GED, find a job, in this lifestyle you never know what is going to happen"...and she also says, and how she has seen soldiers want their spouses to have goals and education...thank you sharon, me and you same page.



Kacy Norman (hi kacy) says "Are his request so out of line, they seem pretty reasonable to me" and she goes on to say that they would be beneficial to you and your child....thank you kaci.....



You are the one that mentions, that money is a issue, but now it's only a issue if you go and actually do something constructive with yourself, o ok now i get it, You have excuses and He will get tired of it because as you can see by the the list he sent you, he already is....

but keep doing what your doing, my husband had a girlfriend who was just like you...that's why he's my husband now...so i have to thank her, because i got a wonderful man out of it, i hope noone is thanking you in 3 years for not jumping feet

first into this list one day, i am saying it to you cause i'm watching somebody go through it now, and she has a license and ged, but he asked her, over and over, clean, get a job, stop being so needy, the mayflower movers took him to his next duty station, the uhaul and her daddy took her to hers, his house...you may not think it will ever come to that, but he is already choosing his mother over you, doesn't care if you stay in a hotel while he goes to mommy dearest house, is asking you to get off your butt in essence, and who cares if he just wants you to work because his mother did, don't you know men pick women who remind them of their mother's in most cases and the same with women and their husbands, If it is that important to him, what is the problem...some people can't see the forest for the trees, so maybe they should open their eyes, best of luck....you are funny, i will give you that...HA

Shannon - posted on 01/25/2010

And please, please, please...don't fall into that old routine that so many spouses used to have...get your GED, find a job, in this lifestyle you never know what is going to happen. I have seen so many things happen...never say never...make sure you can always take care of you.

Paula - posted on 01/25/2010

this post is about the snooping thing I would say what I have to say about Pron but it is beating a dead horse..you believe what you believe and that is your right!!! But I am with Tah for real on hiding stuff in your personal stuff I would really do it...Though I would make so freakin halarious that when she looks at you that you wil know she read it and of course its all fake (she doesnt have to know) I would go and by the( you might like this part but I think it would be funny anyway just to see her face) racyist stuff you can find and just put it among your stuff and see what she does cause like tah said cant say anything to her boy without admitting she was doing it...lol Oh girl you could have so much fun with it....!!!

Shannon - posted on 01/25/2010

WHat exactly do women expect of men who are in battle, or in support of those in battle, have no sexual outlet, and need to blow off steam? I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not too comfy cozy with my husband looking at porn, but when he is away, and he gets nada, I'll put up with porn over the obvious alternative. As far as the ultimatums go...is he willing to change a few things about himself, within reason, that would justify your changing for him?

For a lot of years when our kids were young I was the stay at home mom. My job was to take care fo the house, the kids, and make sure things were smooth. When I started working I still had to help with at least half the daily chores...only I am the only cook, I am the parent that the kids run to, and my hubby has always sucked at laundry. But he does clean the kitchen if I make the meals, and he makes a mean bed, and vacuums like a pro. Military guys get all bent out of shape, and rightfully so, while they are out busting their hump from 0500 to 17-1800, and we get to sleep in and sit on our butts, and then complain when they get home because we are bored or have a bunch of energy that they don't have. So maybe a look to see how that scenario may be playing into the situation is in order.

When hubby's are deployed wives have a hard time sleeping. I had terrible sleep patterns while mine was deployed, and it was hard for him to understand. Here I was in our bed, in our home, with our stuff, but I was having issues...so they need to have some things explained to them in a non-judgmental way. Just like we don't always understand their job, they don't always understand what it is like to be a spouse of someone with that job.

The Army instills in people to become productive. You won't get anywhere near the higher ranks without an education nowadays, so I have seen a shift in the soldiers to ensure that their spouses too have goals and education. What the military preaches to them, they believe falls on both in the relationship.

I hope maybe this helps you a bit. At least maybe you won't feel so much picked on as maybe just a nice long talk is in order. Good luck, and take care.

C. - posted on 01/25/2010

Tah, I already explained that the Hooters thing wasn't an insecurity! Get over yourself please! That is the way I would like to raise my children. I don't think it's appropriate for them to go into a restaurant that has women flaunting their boobs just b/c.. My children don't need to be seeing that. It's a personal conviction, not an insecurity. Why don't you raise your children the way you want to, and I'll raise mine the way I see fit for them. Please stop commenting on it if all you're going to do is criticize. He is my son, not yours!