SLC - posted on 04/10/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )
My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We've been together since 2008 and have never once broken up or taken a "break" as people our age (23) usually do. We have a beautiful 18 month old baby girl and another on the way. My husband joined the Navy in December of 2012. When he left for basic everything seemed perfect except for the obvious separation we were about to face. We hadn't had a huge marital problem in months and we were savoring our last few months together having an early Christmas and spending as much time together as possible. Basic training was horrible. I had never felt so lonely, but I managed to cope through writing to him as much as possible and submerging myself into caring for our daughter. He consistently told me that he loved me our daughter, and the little one underway. He wrote about how much he missed us and how he couldn't wait to reunite and be a family again. He told me how proud he was of me and how he knew i was his soulmate and how he couldn't wait to love me in person. Soon enough graduation came and I trudged through the snow to spend a few hours with him. Things were a bit award because I didn't know how he would feel, nevertheless things were great and I left him feeling loved and rejuvenated. I felt like another 15 weeks of separation would fly by and we would be happy again. He left for A-school immediately but he continued to love me and our daughter. I never felt more close to him and with the new found freedom and ability to communicate much more often in A-school things seemed almost normal. Then things took a turn for the worse. With phase two liberty he started to changed. Around that time he began actual classes so I knew he wouldn't be able to talk to me like he did when he was just waiting for school to start. I never once fought or asked him for an unreasonable amount of time from him. So he started messaging me less and calling less but I only saw it as a necessary change. Then he started pulling away. He started to do things he would never have done at home with me. He started smoking even though he hated it when he was at home. He started drinking more and more. Now at home he was an occasional drinker but he detested being drunk or seeing people drunk. Well now he started actively getting drunk. He stopped calling and would only call on the weekends and if he called it was for maybe 20 minutes. Now I know that the first six weeks of A school is intense but I knew for a fact that he would spend a lot of his "non study" time with friends. So I emailed him (he started emailing me during classtime) and for the first time I asked him to dedicate more time to me. He told me how busy he was and I told him that I understand that weekdays should be off limits. But during the weekend I should receive more than a 5 minute call. If you have time for friends you should have time for me. That conversation led into a downward spiral in our relationship. Mind you I wasn't fighting or demanding any unreasonable restraints. But he unleashed a whole boat load of things on me that have blindsided me. He started telling me how he has found himself in the past few months while being away from me. He found out that the life we had here is no longer the life that he wants. I am a Christian and he is a recent baby Christian. He came to know me this way and was more than happy to marry and integrate some of my beliefs into our lifestyle. Needles to say he became a christian and has been seemingly happy for the past 2 years of marriage and 3 years of relationship. But within 2 months of A-school all of that went down the drain. He said that for the past 5 years he has been so deeply involved with me and Christianity that he "fooled" himself into believing that that was the life he wanted. So I embraced him and reassured him that if there were changes that needed to be made I would be more than willing to accommodate him. He seemed OK but he still didn't call or try to spend time with me. So again I told him that I understand his situation but he still needs to talk to me. He then commenced to tell me how he could no longer handle a relationship and he had no desire for one. He said that for now we could be best friends. I accepted thinking it was a phase yet even as friends he still didn't make anytime for me. He continued to spend his time drinking and having fun with his friends . I told him this was unacceptable and I would not stand for it. And he told me that he knows that he is being selfish but that's all he can offer. I was infuriated so I told him No! You have to make time for me I am your wife! And he unleashed this bomb... "Quite frankly I don't want to talk to you, I just want to have fun". I was so shocked. I asked why and he unloaded the atomic one on me. He said "I can't be your husband right now, I have come to realize that the love I felt for you all these years was just a friendship. You are the greatest friend I have ever had but I can not love you romantically I just can't." I was mortified I couldn't believe it. Over the next few weeks things just kept getting worse. He stopped calling me baby and saying I love you. And I once again accepted it because I thought he was stressed. But I love him dearly and knew I could work on our marriage. So I waited and things got worse. I asked him if things would get better when we moved together when he got his orders and he said he didn't know. All he knows is that he wants to spend time destressing and talking to me or maintaining a relationship with me wasn't that. I reinforced how me and his daughter and soon to be would be moving with him soon it is unreasonable for him to be this way and I will not accept it. Either way it lead to a conversation on how our marriage just wouldn't work because I am not the kind of woman he wants. I am "too" clean, I'm quirky and funny and those are not qualities of a wife but of a best friend. He told me how the "new him" needed someone that would be willing to drink and smoke and dress provocatively. Someone who was willing to give up all morals and just "do" things. Someone who doesn't go to church or has "that" kind of lifestyle. Hr said he knew we wouldn't work because he knew I wouldn't stand for that, and for that reason I shouldn't move with him. I tried to explain how I was willing to compromise certain things but not my religion my beliefs or the home full or peace and morals I hopes to instill in our daughters. He told me that a home like that would make him miserable and that he wouldn't move me away from my family just so that our marriage could fail a few months later. I don't know what to do. I am so broken and in pain. Here I am planning our future, preparing for a new home and here he comes telling me he no longer loves me! I'm so lost. For the past few days we have been talking about separation, including how to separate our finances and when to tell family and friends. The worst part is he wants us to be friends. He says he doesn't want to lose me and he wants us to maintain our relationship for the sake of the girls. But I told him that was a selfish expectation! I refuse to be his best friend while he finds someone else and finds a life independent of me! I will not subject myself to that torture. As of now we just talk of business and our daughter. He doesn't even ask me about the baby on the way even though I am due in June. I just don't understand how he could throw five years of what I thought was a loving happy relationship. Yes it was not perfect but I thought he was happy! I don't understand how he can just "find the REAL" him in a matter of 3 months! When in boot camp he was the same. I'm so lost. Is divorce really the only option I have? Is there any hope for me? Is this just a phase? How can he just be so cold and decide he has never loved me? How can. He put the emotional and psychological well being of our girls at stake, just so he can live his "new" life? Please any advice would be helpful at this point.