New Navy Wife with marital issues... Help!

SLC - posted on 04/10/2013 ( 12 moms have responded )

8

0

1

My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We've been together since 2008 and have never once broken up or taken a "break" as people our age (23) usually do. We have a beautiful 18 month old baby girl and another on the way. My husband joined the Navy in December of 2012. When he left for basic everything seemed perfect except for the obvious separation we were about to face. We hadn't had a huge marital problem in months and we were savoring our last few months together having an early Christmas and spending as much time together as possible. Basic training was horrible. I had never felt so lonely, but I managed to cope through writing to him as much as possible and submerging myself into caring for our daughter. He consistently told me that he loved me our daughter, and the little one underway. He wrote about how much he missed us and how he couldn't wait to reunite and be a family again. He told me how proud he was of me and how he knew i was his soulmate and how he couldn't wait to love me in person. Soon enough graduation came and I trudged through the snow to spend a few hours with him. Things were a bit award because I didn't know how he would feel, nevertheless things were great and I left him feeling loved and rejuvenated. I felt like another 15 weeks of separation would fly by and we would be happy again. He left for A-school immediately but he continued to love me and our daughter. I never felt more close to him and with the new found freedom and ability to communicate much more often in A-school things seemed almost normal. Then things took a turn for the worse. With phase two liberty he started to changed. Around that time he began actual classes so I knew he wouldn't be able to talk to me like he did when he was just waiting for school to start. I never once fought or asked him for an unreasonable amount of time from him. So he started messaging me less and calling less but I only saw it as a necessary change. Then he started pulling away. He started to do things he would never have done at home with me. He started smoking even though he hated it when he was at home. He started drinking more and more. Now at home he was an occasional drinker but he detested being drunk or seeing people drunk. Well now he started actively getting drunk. He stopped calling and would only call on the weekends and if he called it was for maybe 20 minutes. Now I know that the first six weeks of A school is intense but I knew for a fact that he would spend a lot of his "non study" time with friends. So I emailed him (he started emailing me during classtime) and for the first time I asked him to dedicate more time to me. He told me how busy he was and I told him that I understand that weekdays should be off limits. But during the weekend I should receive more than a 5 minute call. If you have time for friends you should have time for me. That conversation led into a downward spiral in our relationship. Mind you I wasn't fighting or demanding any unreasonable restraints. But he unleashed a whole boat load of things on me that have blindsided me. He started telling me how he has found himself in the past few months while being away from me. He found out that the life we had here is no longer the life that he wants. I am a Christian and he is a recent baby Christian. He came to know me this way and was more than happy to marry and integrate some of my beliefs into our lifestyle. Needles to say he became a christian and has been seemingly happy for the past 2 years of marriage and 3 years of relationship. But within 2 months of A-school all of that went down the drain. He said that for the past 5 years he has been so deeply involved with me and Christianity that he "fooled" himself into believing that that was the life he wanted. So I embraced him and reassured him that if there were changes that needed to be made I would be more than willing to accommodate him. He seemed OK but he still didn't call or try to spend time with me. So again I told him that I understand his situation but he still needs to talk to me. He then commenced to tell me how he could no longer handle a relationship and he had no desire for one. He said that for now we could be best friends. I accepted thinking it was a phase yet even as friends he still didn't make anytime for me. He continued to spend his time drinking and having fun with his friends . I told him this was unacceptable and I would not stand for it. And he told me that he knows that he is being selfish but that's all he can offer. I was infuriated so I told him No! You have to make time for me I am your wife! And he unleashed this bomb... "Quite frankly I don't want to talk to you, I just want to have fun". I was so shocked. I asked why and he unloaded the atomic one on me. He said "I can't be your husband right now, I have come to realize that the love I felt for you all these years was just a friendship. You are the greatest friend I have ever had but I can not love you romantically I just can't." I was mortified I couldn't believe it. Over the next few weeks things just kept getting worse. He stopped calling me baby and saying I love you. And I once again accepted it because I thought he was stressed. But I love him dearly and knew I could work on our marriage. So I waited and things got worse. I asked him if things would get better when we moved together when he got his orders and he said he didn't know. All he knows is that he wants to spend time destressing and talking to me or maintaining a relationship with me wasn't that. I reinforced how me and his daughter and soon to be would be moving with him soon it is unreasonable for him to be this way and I will not accept it. Either way it lead to a conversation on how our marriage just wouldn't work because I am not the kind of woman he wants. I am "too" clean, I'm quirky and funny and those are not qualities of a wife but of a best friend. He told me how the "new him" needed someone that would be willing to drink and smoke and dress provocatively. Someone who was willing to give up all morals and just "do" things. Someone who doesn't go to church or has "that" kind of lifestyle. Hr said he knew we wouldn't work because he knew I wouldn't stand for that, and for that reason I shouldn't move with him. I tried to explain how I was willing to compromise certain things but not my religion my beliefs or the home full or peace and morals I hopes to instill in our daughters. He told me that a home like that would make him miserable and that he wouldn't move me away from my family just so that our marriage could fail a few months later. I don't know what to do. I am so broken and in pain. Here I am planning our future, preparing for a new home and here he comes telling me he no longer loves me! I'm so lost. For the past few days we have been talking about separation, including how to separate our finances and when to tell family and friends. The worst part is he wants us to be friends. He says he doesn't want to lose me and he wants us to maintain our relationship for the sake of the girls. But I told him that was a selfish expectation! I refuse to be his best friend while he finds someone else and finds a life independent of me! I will not subject myself to that torture. As of now we just talk of business and our daughter. He doesn't even ask me about the baby on the way even though I am due in June. I just don't understand how he could throw five years of what I thought was a loving happy relationship. Yes it was not perfect but I thought he was happy! I don't understand how he can just "find the REAL" him in a matter of 3 months! When in boot camp he was the same. I'm so lost. Is divorce really the only option I have? Is there any hope for me? Is this just a phase? How can he just be so cold and decide he has never loved me? How can. He put the emotional and psychological well being of our girls at stake, just so he can live his "new" life? Please any advice would be helpful at this point.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Dear SLC
Be encouraged. You are a believer as am I. No one has answers that will clearly see you through this. I am so sorry you are evengoing through this By the way you write I can hear how sweet forgiving and understanding you are. I used to be the same. I won't call him names because even though he is wrong God allows us all to make our own choices. I am a firm believer that both parties are at fault in these situations. This for you is new but for him he has been fighting issues and because you seem to always see the sunshine instead of the storm I believe he knew he couldn't share with you. One day he will wake up and realize what he had waiting for him but leave what he is going through with God. His sins are not seen any bigger than your own. You have a spiritual foundation that is solid. God WILL see you through this. My husband in our first year started acting out just the same and I came to the realization that I had to become strong confident and sure of who I am and what I want. When I got back I sat him down and told him he can't walk the line he had to choose to be married or not. If he wanted out I'd give him his walking papers but that I don't ever look back, take back and I never stay in touch. Then he had the nerve to say he didn't understand what marriage was So I said well I'm ready for a divorce because I don't want Anyone who can't know appreciate hold or see what they have is valuable. I showed him my happiness wasnot going to be based on HIM. You can't make or pray someone to love you It has to go deeper than that. I don't believe in arguing over what has been done I look at the present and I told my husband then I won't fight to keep you and I won't fault you for leaving but I will move on and cut the cord. We have been married now for 15 years and I never base my future or happiness on him alone. Marriage is not perfect because NO ONE is perfect. The bible says Don't lean on the human arm it will always fail you. I live by this because every year we all change, mistakes are made and lessons are always being learned. God is perfecting our characters because that alone is what we will be taking to heaven. I would speak to a Civillian lawyer and make sure You take care of you and your children. He can leave but financle support WILL be given so don't waver on this or let him sweet talk you out of this. A woman Iknow did and now he isgone happy leaving her with 3 children and no financle support. Get back your self confidence and courage I am praying that God's Hand of Favor cover you that He may walk you through what feels like your darkest days. Nothing will stand in Gods way as He plans for your life and your childrens. May you find peace in the midst of this storm God Bless

Danicia - posted on 04/27/2013

354

5

100

I noticed some subtle changes in my hubs after he went to basic and AIT (army) but we were able to work through them. from what he has told me, it seems like especially during the initial trainings the guys on average act like fools and drink/smoke/womanize/etc. your husband is young (as are we). a fair amount of new military members are 18-25 years old. most of them are single and "living it up". if he's in a similar environment as my husband was, they all just want to get wasted and fuck off. it's the environment. being that it sounds like your hubs hasn't really experienced it before he could just be latching onto the craziness. does that give him justification to try to drop out of his marriage to you and his responsibility to his daughters? hell no. my hubs mentioned there was plenty of bashing on long term relationships and "family man" mentalities during his trainings from guys his age or younger.
if you would like to exhaust all opportunites to see if he's just being a jack or if this is going to stay, I would recommend marriage counseling. when we lived separately during training my hubs would not communicate as well as normal and was always hanging with the guys. once we moved back together he was reminded of his family man responsibilities and took them back wholeheartedly. if it makes you feel any better, my hubs does not smoke and seldom ever drinks at home- he does both (primarily the drinking) when he's hanging out with the guys.
I hope that whatever goes down that the best can come from it, keep being strong momma, you can handle this!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

12 Comments

View replies by

Regina - posted on 12/26/2013

16

0

3

Hello SLC,

I believe everything takes time. I can def understand the hurt you are going through because I was there and I was very emotional and was very hurt that he could mess up a marriage because he wanted to have fun trust me it is not fun at all. I thought that he was hurting the family which he was but I had to move on and when he came back I was like about time but then like really it took you this long to pull your head out your butt and realize what you had was right in front of you. It take men longer to realize what they had was gone. It seems like he is confused and doesn't care. I would put my attention into the kids. Thats what I did. My daughter was my everything and still is. Have your children be your clutch cause now they look up to you mommy. And if he doesnt want to be there then find keep moving on and moving forward. I am here if you just need a talk. I can be reached on my email better and it is ms.rmitch19@gmail.com

SLC - posted on 12/26/2013

8

0

1

Thank you Regina :-)

This has definitely been a horrible year for me. I'm not doing well, today is a bad day emotionally because today he was supposed to come home and I didn't find out until yesterday that he will be bringing the "other woman" with him. I'm not eve n sure if he will come anymore because his parents refused to receive him in their home with the woman. My ex husband has changed so much over the last year that I don't even know him anymore, and quite frankly I'm not sure if i even love him..or is it just familiar to think of him the way he was before, kind, loving and an amazing husband. reality is, that that man does not exist anymore, and I'm sure he feels no remorse and is not planning anytime in the future to apologize for what he has done to me and my girls. Thank you for your kind words and Im just praying I can start feeling better soon.

Regina - posted on 12/26/2013

16

0

3

How are you doing? I went through the same situation with my husband and we took a 2 month separation because i was sick of how he made the military his life and his friends more important than his wife and how daughter so I told him that I needed to go and I did. He was stating how we have changed, he started drinking more lying everything and I was not going to handle that anymore so I took my child and we left and when he came back from his tour in November he messaged me and told me he wanted to talk and he apologized and stated how he was stupid and he was just listening to his friends etc and he didn't know what he had until we lost it and now we are back together married and just recently he proposed to me again and asked if we could renew out vows together and everything is better now. I would just give it time; if it is meant to be then you guys will be together again. I am sorry about the recent divorce. My parents always said if he truly loves you then it will be meant to be and he will find you and get you back. I wish you the biggest luck. Feel free to message me anytime. Take everyday slow and one step at a time,

Regina

SLC - posted on 12/17/2013

8

0

1

I'm not sure if anyone has followed up on me, but I am now divorced. Its so amazing to me just how quickly it happened. He filed to divorce me in November and it was finalized in the first week of December. I still feel like the oxygen has been sucked out of the room. It's still so raw and painful that my now ex husband would leave me the way he did.
He has also moved on. I just dont understand how he did so, and so quickly too. Sigh, I just wish I was not in so much emotional pain , I hate that I still have feelings for him, and what's more I have to see him next week for the holidays since he will be coming to see the girls.
How do I stop feeling so hurt? How do I become normal again?

Helena - posted on 09/18/2013

9

0

0

Hi. Call the chaplain and explain what is going on. Let the chaplain know about your two children. Make sure you get child support etc. Also get on the waiting list for Project sanctuary. The chaplain can tell you more.

[deleted account]

Dear SLC
I am so proud of you and your courage. AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE WE WILL SERVE THE LORD
I am a strong believer in the power of prayer and I believe God is with you in a powerful way. I am praying that this become a stepping stone for what God has prepared for you. It may seem dark lonely and difficult But activate faith and the whole universe goes into action. God will NOT let any weapon used against you to prosper. God is working behind the scenes He knew this was coming but He can't take away someones choice. God is right now lining up everyone who needs to see you through this. God is making a way out of this situation. I am praying God cover you with His hand of Favor, Blessings,Protection, Love, His Goodness, Peace,Understanding Wisdom Strength Faith and Hope. God has you in the palm of His hands and your children. I am praying that in some way God reveal to you just how close He really is to you right now. My baby had to have surgery last November to have a section of her lung removed. THAT was my darkest hour. I went into the hospital praying God show me He is in control and when we were in the waiting room God put on my heart a song and I had the strangest peace. The song says I am standing in shadow of the Almighty. God is standing right there where you are just like He was for me. He is our Shield from what life throws our way. He knows you by Name. God Bless you and your babies. Just know you have people praying for you and the bible says when one or more gather in His name He will hear and honor our prayer.

SLC - posted on 05/21/2013

8

0

1

Thank you Danicia,

He assures me that this is the "real" him and that he will not change. He says that he does in fact love me, but cannot support the lifestyle we had here. I dont know how this will pan out, but I am trying my best to be strong. This is just something I have to deal with. Your words were very helpful, thank you for taking the time to respond when I was in so much need.

SLC - posted on 05/21/2013

8

0

1

Dear Lena,
You have no idea how I needed to hear your message especially today. I have made my commitment to G-d and I WILL NOT waiver. My 'lifestyle" is just "not for him" and I will change for no man, for I know where my strength comes from. I have talked to various people and done research on Military and civilian divorce and I feel like I know my rights. I have gotten rid of all of his stuff (I returned it to his family) and I am starting to take steps to secure my children's future. It is so very painful, but I am trying to live my life as if he never existed. At this time it is incredibly hard to stay connected to G-d because my mind is always consumed with memories of him and how I should be trying harder to save this marriage. But believe me I am trying to search for his guidance as much as possible. Thank you for reassuring me in that our G-d is all powerful and will see us through. I dont know if this is a trial in my life, i dont know if we are supposed to get through this and become a stronger marriage, but what I do know is I'm not "DH" floor mat. Thank you for your comforting words Lena, thank you so very much.

SLC - posted on 04/24/2013

8

0

1

Thank you so much for your support Jessica. Its so very hard to know what to do. I have began my plans for a life without DH. Things aren't changing anymore but they aren't getting better either. I am preparing for the worst, I know I will be fine I have a wonderful support system. But I can't help but be in pain and hope that this us just a phase.

Jessica - posted on 04/22/2013

34

0

1

First off- WOW! Secondly- If he has cheated he can get in trouble- I would be that vindictive woman. I am so sorry this is happening to you! He sounds like a pig! I am so so sorry! I mean is there someone else dressing "provacitively" around him. I feel like this has been the influence of the freedom he has been given :( my husband is in the air force at Tech School right now, he's busy but we still make time. you asking for time even during the week is not over stepping :/ I am so sorry. I hope everything works out for you and your girls! I pray he realizes he is wrong!!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms