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Normal reaction for children with dads 1st deployment?

Debbie - posted on 03/18/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hello. My name is Debbie and my husband (airforce) deployed March 1st for 6 mths. We have a daughter who is 5 yrs old and is missing her daddy. Before he left I searched msg boards for tips etc - we did the videotaping daddy reading books, one of those voice recorded story books you get at Hallmark (my little princess) and they went together to build a bear to make a special pet with daddys voice in it telling her he misses her, loves her etc.

She doesn;t want to talk about daddy, through the stuffed toy in the corner of her room and won't touch it and has no interest in watching the video, reading the book and even when we are able to skype she really doesn;t stay around more than enough to say hello to him.

I talked to her teacher about it and she is keeping an eye on her, but she won;t talk about her feelings except at bedtime when i ask her if she wants to talk about anything , she just says : I miss my daddy :( She has had 2 meltdowns since he left, whihc I know is just her trying to deeal with everything. He has never been away from her for more than a couple of days before and was on shift work so he was home all diff hours. I guess I am asking is this normal for her to shut down at the mention of daddy? She doesn;t want me talking about him, it just makes her sad she says. Its heartbreaking. I am not doing a bean jar or a chain becasue she refuses to talk about him so I thought seeing 6 mths of stuff in a jar would only make it worse and I can't force her to share her feelings for the chain....Any ideas on how I can help her deal with this? Maybe its just a transition until we get used of it being just us. We have no family nearby

Thanks for listening

Debbie

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4 Comments

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Shea - posted on 03/24/2011

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My husband deployed when my oldest was five and it has changed so much about him. It created major separation anxiety, and he too could not talk, see or mention Dad while he was gone, and he is now 9 and starting to finally overcome this with a lot of pressure from me! He also has ADHD, which a lot of people would say was not caused by the deployments but I tend to disagree! He was diagnosed depressed at age 7, he is a very emotional child, and cannot even think of getting rid of his toys he's outgrown. Although I will say he is smart, he makes awesome grades, although they drop when dad is gone. He can remember things back to when he was three and tell you details that most kids would not remember.

So, work hard on trying to prevent some if this, because I am not going to lie it has been hell. Spoil her, let her sleep with you, treat her special and explain to her that maybe God wanted you two to have some mommy daughter fun gor awhile. Do things out of the normal and say see if dad were here we could not do this and have this much fun. Also, remember they should have some counselors at the local base too. Good luck!

Marci - posted on 03/24/2011

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Sounds like my kids. My 6 year old said she feels too sad when she sees him so that is why she doesnt want to talk. A counselor told us kids that age communicate through coloring pictures so maybe spend some time coloring with her and see if she will talk about him or maybe color a picture for him, or color a picture about how she feels.

Andi - posted on 03/20/2011

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After 2 deployments with 2 kids, I can tell you this is pretty normal for her age. I know it is discouraging since as a mother you want to fix it and make it all better, but she is just going to need time. By all means make her feel special while it just the two of you and even if she doesn't not want to talk about or deal with daddy being gone, it will happen eventually. Let her decide what she wants to do to feel connected to her dad, and I would also suggest he send her a letter once a month that she doesn't have to read, but at least she has tanglible proof that she is also missed by him. At five, it is hard for kids to verbalized all the emotions that they are dealing with. I found no reason for us to do the count down also because it can just be one more disappointment if he doesn't come home when it runs out(and being with the Army it does). Maybe a sketch pad if she likes to draw that is all hers for her to draw her feelings in and let her know she doesn't have to share her pictures in it unless she wants to. Let her have some power in this, the first deployment is rough...but you will all get through this! God Bless

Debbie - posted on 03/18/2011

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I am going to see if she wants to make a picture for him and we can send over a few things,,,but not sure she will want to :(

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