Not liking the in-laws right now

Crystal - posted on 08/02/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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My husband is getting ready to deploy in oct and his family isnt even trying to come to see him before he leaves they want us to come to them like always We are tried of it and told them we were not coming they are only 5 hrs from us then they want us to meet them in the middle i told my hubby if they do that he was going by himself its really bad my family is coming to see him before he leaves and his family isnt even making the effort to come they have more means than we do to travel and they dont even care thery go to FL, TN but cant come to see their son and granddaughter that they only see 2x a year i done told them christmas if they want to see us they have to coem here i am done traveling to see them

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Ivette - posted on 08/08/2010

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I completely understand where you're coming from. We've been a military family for 16 years now and this has been going on since. We are currently overseas and it seems to have gotten worse. When we were state side we were the ones bendind backwards for his family. I figured that maybe us being so far would at the very least prompt them to email, write heck even a post card, but nope. Our kids birthdays just passed, and I figured they would send them a birthday card. Was I wrong! Instead we get scolded for not having sent them anything from here yet.What's up with that?!? Yes, it sucks, and true, there might be other reasons for the way they are acting, but when you're this far you need to put it aside. I say to you, ignore it. Stick to the ones who do care about your hubby, you and your baby. Life is stressful enough being in the military. Those who dont live it first hand sont realize how much more you have to put into it to make it work. So again just put them aside and stick with those that show you guys they care about you. Trust me, when your this far from what you know, this is the best thing to do. Take care and enjoy this time before he has to go.

Pamela - posted on 08/08/2010

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Once again its important to keep communication lines open between all parties! Everyone has many feelings when they have a loved on active duty. Seeing their son before deployment may bring up feelings that they dont want to deal with. Dont shut them out, let them know you feel its very important for them to see their son before he leaves for everyones benefit and meeting in the middle sounds like the best comprimise. Remember life is all about comprimising. If more people could do that things will be better.

Stephanie - posted on 08/03/2010

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I would get on the phone with dear old MIL and tell her that you do not have the energy or the means to come visit them, and meeting half way is not an option for you since you have a little one and it's a lot harder to travel with a little one. If they do not understand they won't see their son before he deploys, end of story. I would feel sorry for them for being so selfish that they can go on trips to other states but they can't come to see their son. Don't get angry just feel sorry. && don't give in because selfish people have a tendancy of trying to make you feel guilty for not doing things their way.

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Crystal - posted on 08/18/2010

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to add to it they are on vacation at gulf shores instead of coming to visit us see how much his family cares

Crystal - posted on 08/17/2010

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we have talked abt it the only reason we have been going was to see his grandparents but now its just his grandmother, his cousin and for our daughter see them before we were together he didnt go home much now that we are back close we would love to visit since he is from new orleans but the drive with a 3 yr sucks and she doesnt like to travel she wants to be at home and not stay anywhere else so we try to stay home i guess she is like that since we have moved 4 times in the past 3 1/2 yrs

User - posted on 08/16/2010

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wow i tought i was the only one!! it is so hard to travel with kids!! they are used to it ot a point, but it is exhausting!!!

Krys - posted on 08/15/2010

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Well, how does your husb feel abt this. I know with my guy he was going to his hometown to see everyone b4 he was suppost to be deployed ( they canceled the deployment) but, i would talk to my husb and support him in his decision.

Adriana - posted on 08/15/2010

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I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this. Some times the in laws don't realize just what a pain in the behind they are. In the 13.5 years that we have been together my husbands parents have only come to see us 3 times. The last time they complained to no end about the price of the trip. I finally told them to stop there bitching because in the 20 months that we lived at Fort Eustis we went to see them 7 times and it cost us 1200 a trip. 8400 just for us to go see them and they only made the trip once. Now we live farther away and it would take us 5-6 days to get there and for a family of 6 to fly it would cost 4800 each trip with the way ticket prices are. I told my husband his parents are nuts. We are not spending that kind of money just so we can go out there and they don't even take time off from work. In the 4 years that we lived at Fort Knox we would drive up to see his parents every 2-3 months and that trip cost us about 400-500. We spent around 10,000 in 4 years. Each trip never seemed like much until it was all added together. My husband never realized how much we where spending on each trip so I pulled all the receipts out and let him to the math. He about had a cow and he now understands why I get so pissed when he parents start talking like we should just pick up on a whim and go visit them. He finally told his parents we don't make any more trips. You want to see me and the kids you come here. 2 people to travel is a lot cheaper then 6.

Crystal - posted on 08/15/2010

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we talked abt it we are going to enjoy our last few months as a family and not worry abt his family i know all abt blood doesnt make a family love makes a family yes my daughter is beautiful and happy im glad she is to young to know wats going on if we told her she would know so we dont tell her she is smarted than most 3 yrs old i know lots of ppl have said it too i just worry how she going to do when he leaves i know his family wont come visit then they never have or even call to check on us so i will be happy with my family even thou they no tthe best or the closest but i know i can depend on them if need be

Dawn - posted on 08/12/2010

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In my opionion, family is not always wwho you have a blood link to. Family is who is there when you need them. It sounds like your blood family is trying hard to be family to all of you. I know it stinks that his isn't, but, you can't let them get you down. Try and let it go and focus on what you guys do have as a family. A strong marriage, a daughter who I'm sure is beautiful (your pretty so I bet she is as well!) Don't let thier selfish ways bring negativity to your lives. ESPECIALLY before a deployment! Enjoy your man while you still have him, laugh, hug kiss and forget about anyone who interfers!!! =)

Crystal - posted on 08/10/2010

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we have been together for alomst 5 yrs its been this way since we started dating they only came when we got married thats was almost 4 yrs ago and when our daughter was born she is 3 yrs old i ask my husband if it bother him he said alittle but it was their loss not his or ours he will spend the next 2 months with us and not worry abt any of his family we done told them we arent coming everytime he talks to them i guesss they think we going to change our minds abt it not going to happen wats bad is my family dont have the money like his family but htey still try and come ever 2 months an dthey are coming so they can see him an dhis cousin is coming who lives near his family and is taking time off work and leaving his family to come visit we had our mini vacation this past weekend we go tto see 2 of my sisters and sad my parents and my mamaw couldnt come visit with us but hey will be here in sept so we are going to enjoy our last 2 months together

Dawn - posted on 08/09/2010

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They really just don't get it. My husband has been in 11 years. It's getting time to move again and his mom is up and arms asking all these questions and wanting to know why we are moving.... She is upset because we are only 3 hours from her now. Not that she comes this way much. LOL But, she wants us to stay close to her and not move. (She asked me, "Do you know what it does to your credit to move so much???" ROFL) It's like she thinks we just decide to move every couple years for the fun of it..You would think she would get used to some of her. Her son has been in since he was 19 after all! LOL Stand firm and if they don't come oh well. You and your daughter are his family now. Good luck!

Kimberly - posted on 08/09/2010

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I am with you. Don't give up but try not to let it get in the way of your marriage. Mine don't do a thing for us and just take, take, take. Self centered people just have to be left alone. Good luck.

Katherine - posted on 08/08/2010

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inlaws SUCK.. i don't know how it happens. I have close to the same problem, they never call, He has to call them, he had to go to them once again, now that he is gone I won't hear from them at all because i don't have any motivation to call them and this of course will be blamed entirely on me.. even though they are making the same zero effort.. oh and everything i do with my daughter that they didnt do i get to hear all about it and get to be disapproved of.

Elly - posted on 08/08/2010

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We've had that problem. We always have to travel to see his family, they have never visited us at any base (state side or overseas) we've been at (not even when he had emergency surgery). When we got stationed here in TN we told his family we would not visit them until they visited us since we are only 6 hours away from them and they drive through TN to go to FL and back from FL to KY. He told them if they can drive by our place twice to go on vacation they can stop in on the way to or home. In 6 years they've never stopped, but expected us to come to them each time hubby was deploying and when he was to be on R&R and when he came home.
We never saw them before, during or after any of the 3 deployments in the last 4 years and I can't say that I'm sorry. My kids to miss them but I'd rather them miss them then have to give up time with their dad to be around people that don't care about them enough to come see them.
If you don't want to go to them tell your hubby why and with no yelling or fighting, if he wants to fight about it ask him why he's upset over it, talk it out. You both can only give so much of your time and energy to people who don't want it, if seeing him before he leaves is important to them, they will make it work.
Good Luck

Crystal - posted on 08/07/2010

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we are if its not important for them its not important for us my husband talk to his parents thursay still not coming o well its their loss not ours we get to spend the time with him i hope they all know they are hurting them wish they would just listen to us we get tired of traveling they travel for fun we dont and my daughter doesnt like to be away from home so its hard on her i total give up not worrying ab tit anymore

Jennifer - posted on 08/07/2010

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I feel your pain. My n laws are the same way. If we want them to see our children or us we have to travel to see them. They dont understand how hard it can be on us to travel with the kids and pets at home. So we just stopped going. We told our kids we are sorry but it just cant happen right now. We also told or in laws if you want to see the kds then you need to make the efort to come and see them. We are in Guam right now and they have the funds to fly here but just wont.
My thoughts are do what is best for you and yoru kids and if traveling is not in the best intrest for them then dont do it. Think of you and your family first.

Crystal - posted on 08/04/2010

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that sucks my inlaws never say anything abt how we raise our daughter i would just tell them straight up mind ur on business and they know we will i just wish they all understood it takes alot for us to travel especial since we move a lot

Summer - posted on 08/04/2010

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We have the same problem! My husband has been in for 8 years and his mother hasn't come to see him not once. When we were in CA we went up about once a month to visit and I HATED it. She was always making comments about how we raised our daughter or if either of us had put on a little weight. Finally we just stopped going to see her and now we're on the East Coast she always asks when we're coming to visit!

Crystal - posted on 08/03/2010

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i thought abt calling but dont want my husband to get mad i am not mad it theirs loss not ours my daughter hates riding in the car that long so we travel at night so she can sleep and we are really tired of doing it so we decide we going to take a vacation for us befoer he leaves and his cousin is coming to visit him so that will make him happy if they dont come then they want she him before he leaves or R&R we are to the point we dont care to see them if they cant make an effort to visit

Crystal - posted on 08/02/2010

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i never had a problem with my in-laws until now i am not lettign it cause any problems with my husband since he will be leaving soon our daughter is still young enough she doesnt know yet my husband is tired of doing it to and i know it hurts him even thou he want say it or show it we dont argue over it yet since we just decide after 4 1/2 yrs we 're not doing it anymore before we got together he didnt even go visit but once a yr i only want to go so our daughter knows her family since we are not really close to them our last duty station was 13 hrs away i wish both of us luck

Karin - posted on 08/02/2010

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I understand completely! My mother in law is a lot like this. We have been in the Navy for 10 years and have lived in both CA and in WA. Not once has she been to visit us but is quick to point out when have gone too long without coming to see them. She is a very difficult person to deal with as it is but is causes my husband and my children so much pain that she won't come to visit. It can be very frustrating when others don't realize the financial strain as well as the stress of traveling with small children. I try to be very positive about my mother-in-law though because it hurts my husband's feelings if I get negative plus it causes stress in our marriage when we fight over his family. Hang in there for your husband and for your kids and hopefully everything will work out for you!

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