ok not trying to start a fight...

Tah - posted on 02/22/2010 ( 166 moms have responded )

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but we see how that usually works out correct. I told you ladies I am working on a book....Wellll...I have seen more than once on here some wives who are current military or prior military say things like "i don't associate with other wives" I mean my neighbor just moved in with her 3 sons about 6 months ago and has barely uttered anything but hi to me(she's active duty).....So I guess my question is WHY NOT?.....Is it that you have had bad experiences with military wives? Is it what your male counterparts have told you about their wives?...Has some wife done something personally to you to make you feel like she is not worthy to be your friend?...

The section I am starting is on "our relationships with each other" So I just want to know why some of you "don't associate"...now this is a open forum and everyone will have thier views. Prior service and us plain old military wives but i really need to know..speak your minds...I always do

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Michelle - posted on 02/09/2011

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I'm a prior Army Soldier, an AF wife, an AF mom, prior rescue squad member, and police officer's daughter.



With that said, I can tell you that this issue isn't exclusive to the military, which leads me to believe there's a bit more to this issue than who's throwing themselves at whom, hence the drama and hostility on both sides that keeps people from wanting to associate with "them." I'm not talking about the rank differential between E's, or the drama between E's & O's, which is nothing more than a continuation of the HS freshmen vs. seniors.



Our society holds military members, police officers, & firefighters in the "hero" status, and rightly so. Generally speaking, wives of men in those career fields think of them as courageous, hard-charging heroes that deserve respect and sometimes adulation. Fine and good, right? Then why would a vast number of these same wives villify women in those same career fields when most of the time they hold the same position and jobs as the men? Yes there are both male and female sluts, both single and married, but that's a pervasive issue everywhere, not exclusive to the aforementioned careers.



I believe part of the problem is that because of the hero status the wives of these men put their husbands in, they feel that a female doing the same job right alongside their husbands somehow devalues that hero status they've given their husbands. I mean, how tough, courageous, & heroic can that job possibly be if females do it (and do it well), too? Or, how about those wives that are insecure about what they do for a living, whether they work out or inside of the home in comparison to female military members who are doing the same types of jobs and held to the same standards by the military as their husbands?



I believe that that's the bigger issue at play here, however many of those women don't want to admit that to themselves or others so it's much easier to explain it away as them being leery and skeptical of the so called "barracks whores."



As I've said, there are military sluts. No doubt. However, they're in the minority. The majority of us do not want your husband. AT.ALL. We didn't join to get a man. That's pretty laughable- just as crazy as saying the males, single and married, joined just to get laid. Ridiculous, right?



I think that the wives I described give us way too much thought. I know that most female military members don't give the wives any thought other than the possible drama that comes with associating with them & that way of thinking. So, we stay away.



Also, depending on the MOS or partnership in the case of police officers & firefighters, tight bonds of trust and sometimes friendship are necessary. You literally have to trust your male and female counterparts with your life. That's how we're trained to be, what's drilled into our heads constantly. That trust can form a tight bond, not sexual or romantic in any way, and the wives can be threatened by that as well since they're not going to grasp the entire reality of that since they're not "in."



I believe that all of the above factor into why we as a whole won't associate with each other. It's a shame since I've met a few kick-ass wives. I suspect that as long as those feelings prevail, there won't be any change.....just the way it is.

Crystle - posted on 04/06/2010

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So after thoroughly reading all these posts, here is what seems to be the general consensus amongst the different women involved in the military lifestyle. (Disclaimer: I use the word “I” as a first person narrative. Not a claim to which one I am as far as AD/ prior female member or enlisted’s/officer civilian wife



“I’m a female active duty member. My coworkers keep telling me the wives are lazy, stupid, baby-making whores. They all cheat on their husbands and assume I’m sleeping with theirs. Civilian wives must be this way so I’m not going to associate with them. I’m better.”



“I’m the wife of an active duty member. My spouse keeps telling me that the women he works with are sluts and get promotions for sleeping around. They’re all nasty and don’t work near as hard as my husband does so I’m not going to associate with them because I’m better.”



“I’m an Officer’s wife. I’m better than the enlisted’s wife because my DH makes more money and has the authority over their husbands. They are all lazy, uneducated whores. Or the enlisted wives refuse to befriend me and assume I’m a snob so I’m not going to associate with the enlisted wives because I’m better.”



“I’m the wife of an enlisted spouse. All the officer’s wives think as enlisted wives we, and our husbands, are dumb, poor and beneath them. They assume I don’t work or have an education and make babies all day. Officer wives are all snobs who ride the coattails of their husbands so I’m not going to associate with Officer wives because I’m better.”



So as I see it…the common denominator is “I’m not going to associate with these types of people because I’m better. Yet, in every generalization, someone has posted that they were friends with an Officer wife as an enlisted wife or female service members who were friends with civilian wives. I think statistically we all know the stereotype is there for a reason. Some of the females are absolutely the stereotype, and yet we know statistically that our one “friend” who isn’t the stereotype can’t possibly be the only one.

I guess what I’m getting at is, with generalizing a type of wife, culture, gender or race, wecould only keep ourselves from finding that one great friend or many friends. Think about all the wonderful people you could be missing out on as part of your life…

Emily - posted on 02/28/2010

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Honestly, it's hit or miss with military wives. We are a strange breed of woman. Some are strong enough to handle what comes along with the lives we are asked to lead, some are not. Some play the game of "my husband's rank is this...what's yours?" to see if they are somehow "better" than the military wife next door. I have learned that we have to tread lightly when it comes to making a bond with other military wives. Some are honest, some are not, and it's hard to predict who will be and who won't. There's also that knowledge that if you get too close to someone, you know you will eventually have to move away and probably never see them again. It's heartbreaking when you have a special bond with another military wife, and then you have to move away. These women and make or break you when your husband is gone, and it is up to the integrity of each individual wife to make it a positive experience, instead of a negative one. I've had wives I've confided in about my frustrations with people on the submarine regarding my husband, and one particular woman took it upon herself to tell on me to his superiors, and therefore got my husband in trouble. He was supposed to be augmented to come home in time for my son's birth, but they made him stay on teh boat instead (and it was a very small and petty issue). Luckily the boat came home earlier than anticipated and a week later my son was born, but it was a very real possibility that he could have missed his son's birth because some other military wife decided to be mean and conniving. OH, did I mention that HER husband got to come home early instead?

Amanda - posted on 02/23/2010

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I am one of the wives that move in and dont talk to anyone. It's not b/c I am stuck up and dont want to associate with anyone. It's more b/c I am a very shy person. I moved around a lot when I was a kid. I went to a new school every year and I was always the quiet one and it took me a long time to make friends. I hardly ever talked to people unless they initiated the conversation. That has apparently followed me into adult hood. I am also new to the military wives thing. My husband has only been in the military for a yr and a half and we have been living at our current house for a year. I know a few people on base and I wish I could meet more people but I just cant seem to get past my insecurities and put myself out there to meet people. I have met maybe 4 or 5 wives in the last year and really only talk to one. So, I think for some people its a matter of their personalities and being shy and introverted.

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Molly - posted on 02/03/2011

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I think the answer to this is based on each personal case. There is certainly not a general overal consensus that would sum up the reason some people dont feel too inclined to associate with other wives. We were stationed in an overseas remote location for 2 years. Almost everyone there leaves with the ability to reach out and provide support to other wives and their families. I have found that many people feel aprehensive to form meaningful relationships with other wives because of the temporary aspect of our living situations. I admit, when it gets down to us leaving our duty station I do not want to meet people. It is hard to make friends and always have to leave- even for our children who become comfortable with those who surround us then up rooting over and over again.

Sarah - posted on 02/03/2011

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I don't really know...I have been a military wife going on only 4 years. we were first stationed in Sigonella Sicily and it was impossible to get to know people. We eventually got a new ombudsman and she tried but most of the time it was only the two of us at anything.
we have been in at NAS JAX for over 2 years and i know no one. We lived on base for the first year and people barely responded to a hello with more then a snort, and now that we live off base it is the same. I think on the civilian side they see me as military that will leave in a couple years so what is the point. I have found relationships to be very surface.
i am beginning to wonder if it is just me. Maybe I come across in a way different then i think. Who knows. That has just been my experience.

Tah - posted on 02/02/2011

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at TY..she DID NOT tell you that...#getoveryourself..lol.....that is too much....

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I asked the same thing. I was new and needed a friend. This chick told me she had friends and didnt want new friends. She said military wives are too messy. Women are jus messy. I have met alot of good friends. But i dont befriend everyone. The messy one's are the unhappy wives and they want to make you uphappy. I dont attend pitty parties. Keep it movin! :)

Cassandra - posted on 01/29/2011

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Well I always spoke to my neighbors but I had one neighbor who lived behind us her and her family had just moved in and we all had something in common we where from the same state so we where getting ready to leave one day and I saw her her son and her husband outside and so I spoke to all three cause my daughter ran to play with their son. I tried talking to her but she would never speak to me. But when she my husband she was all smiles and I was like hold your horses lady. She acted as if I wanted her man by ignoring me and than turns around like I'm not even there and tries to get my husband's attention at every chance she saw him. So I put my guard back up with all females I don't let them around my husband until I feel comfortable with them if you say your my friend or want to be cool with me prove it because once I feel comfortable with letting you into my house and around my husband i need to feel that you are not being fake. Because when you see my husband you should treat him like he is a friend and not try to walk around him with short shorts or in your swimsuit when its not the weather for either one of those items. thats just my opinion. My husband even laughed at her when he saw what she was doing and would come in the house and tell me. And I'm like wow. But alot of females think that because I won't say anything right than and there than I will let it slide. I don't. But alot of my neighbors didn't speak just looked at me when I spoke to them. I met two wives who I was cool with.

Amy - posted on 01/18/2011

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I associate, I just don't get caught up in all the gossip circles. It is nice to know your neighbors and nice to have someone next door who is or has gone through the same experience as you.

Jacqueline - posted on 01/18/2011

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well my thing is that i do not like to associate with the frg, as i have had bad experiences before. i noticed that there were a lot of older women, in their mid 30's-late 40's who liked to gossip a whole lot, and didn't really take kindly to those who did not participate in their conversations. these were also those women who liked to wear their husband's rank and throw it around as if it was something they had earned. i could not stand this and every time i think about how frustrating it was, it just amazes me how these women made the frg out to be some kind of high school clique-ish heirarchy. i don't mind associating with other wives in my husband's unit, i just don't like to be around women who gossip and act as if they are in the military too just because their husband is, I used to be in the military myself and I don't think it's appropriate for wives to act as if their husband's rank is any reason to treat anyone differently. most of these women have no idea what it is like in the military so it really annoys me to be around those types. i like to meet women who are down to earth and are just supportive, not crazy woman like, of their husband's career.

Courtney - posted on 01/17/2011

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To Lindsay Stuckley -

This is very true in so many cases. (military wives not wanting to associate with a woman AD in the military) Mostly because yes, they usually do think they all just want their husbands (it's silly). But it is a lot of the time the husbands faults. I have heard many men in the military say that the women "got that far because they blew all their commanding officers on the way,etc." so the wives are going to automatically assume they are all that way. It is sad, because I know a girl that my husband works with that a lot of the wives do not like. I personally think she is great and love having her for company! And she truly is not interested in any of the wives husbands, but they are all so stuck on believing she is. So I feel very bad for her sometimes.

Courtney - posted on 01/17/2011

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Well I personally don't mind associating with other military wives, but I know some wives that don't care much to. Their excuses are that "military wives just like to gossip and there is always so much drama!!!". Well in a lot of cases this is true. But it is just because most military wives are bored or their husbands all work together so they all know everyone in that area and gossip. But there are wives that don't do these things, so there is no reason to shut out every wife! All of my military wive friends I have now are very down to earth and good woman. So I would say at least try to become friends, if it doesn't work out then whatever, it is not like you are being forced to befriend this person.

Heather - posted on 12/06/2010

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I've been a Navy Wife for almost four years, three of those year's I've been serving in the Army National Guard at the same time. We have lived at two different naval bases. We have lived in off base base housing, base housing on base and civilian housing. We just had our first kid and so far even a trip to the play park across the street from our home is just awkward. I'm also mentioning the fact I do not think I'm above anybody else, I'm just your average GI Jane who married a sailor. I like to network though and that means I have to put myself out there a lot and be a social butterfly if you will.



My biggest issue with navy wives (I don't know how other military wives are) is that it's a huge ongoing episode of Jerry Springer. I've heard (didn't coin) the phrase "The world's biggest high school." Here is a short list I compiled of the issues I've ran into thus far when attempting making fellow navy wife friends. All listed issues are more than a once in my life, more than just me experience, just to clarify in advance.



-The "Business Transaction Friend"

-The Gossip

-The Drama Queen

-The Facebook Friends for Numbers

-The Cheater/The Whore

-The Superiority Complex

-The Fake

-The Flake

-Ms Tardy to EVERY Party

-Ms Needs-Surgical-Separation-From-My-Hubby

-The Party Pooper aka Ms Moody

-Ms always bails and blames it on her kid/s

-Ms Hate Myself

-Ms Everyone wants to be me (usually not accurate)

-The ones who don't talk to those outside their clique

-The homewrecker (only interested in ruining your marriage or relationship so don't be fooled)

-The husband snatcher (she's only after him)

-The one who's paranoid about you stealing her man

Lindsay - posted on 12/01/2010

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I am in the military as well as my husband. I have a few friends that are military wives. (We are National Guard, not active duty) I dont think that the women in our FRG are people that I really want to associate with. Not because I think I'm better than them, or think they are snooty or anything. The FRG has a bad reputation for the women sleeping with the soldier's friends while their hubby is deployed. I know it isn't true. But there is that whole akwardness... The girls that i am friends with, I am still nervous that they might think that I am interested in their husband for more than just a brother in arms... I would like to be friends with more military wives, but have had bad experiences being accused of trying to sleep with the woman's husband. I think most military women feel that they dont want to get involved with that stress. I have some good stories about the soldiers I serve with, and if told, they could cause resentment from the wife.

Shawnda - posted on 11/24/2010

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Some people are uncomfortable not knowing anyone in the area expecially if they arent from the area in particullar there is also a stigmatism with navy wives i will be honest when i first came to virginia beach for some reason i thought every other navy wife was money grubbing only there for the money i dont know why i felt this way but alot of it is because of movies i will have to say i have seen some really stuck up women lol some wives tend to think they are better than the others because either they are higher ranking or their hubbies!

Darcy - posted on 11/23/2010

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I have lots of military wife friends, and always make sure to introduce myself to new neighbors, etc.

Tracy - posted on 11/18/2010

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I am a member of the Air National Guard and my hubby is Air Force. I have over 10 years in and my hubby has over 12 years (DOWN HILL SLIDE!!! YEAH!!). We both love serving but are getting tired of moving every 2 years which has been the average for us since leaving Japan in 2004. I'm a pretty outgoing person, so I always try to meet people and get involved with the spouses group with my husband's squadron. I don't care what you're hubby's job is although it's nice to know as someone else mentioned for future support and such. What I do care about is friendliness, interest in your kids, are your kids well behaved, are you interested in learning more about AF and your hubby's job or do you not care as long as he has a paycheck, do you have similiar interests as me, will you be the one blabbing everything going on in the squadron on FB and ruining OPSEC (and YES, I expect YOU to know and understand OPSEC because that will help keep my family safe as well), will you be the "helpless" spouse when your hubby is deployed (I know we all need help occassionaly, but if I can get my yard mowed with deployed hubby and 20 month old twins in a Vegas summer, then so can you!), and many other things as well. Your husband's rank and job won't prevent or encourage my friendship, it's you as a person and your outlook on life. So, no matter where we meet, if you say Hi and we chat, we could end up friends!

Nichole - posted on 11/17/2010

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I think with situations like these you have to have a base to base or person to person approach. I have met your stereotypical wives but I have had more positive experiences than negative ones. There have been neighbors that want to keep to themselves and there have been ones who like to have BBQ's, parties, etc...It's easier to be open minded when meeting new neighbors or other wives and if you find someone you have common interest with thats great! and if not then thats okay too. Its as simple as making the best out of your military life as a wife and not to let the drama get to you. I have seen my share of he/she is cheating, or they think they are better than someone else. The best idea is to not get caught up in it and try to support people when they go through hard times b/c you never know what is really going on. And if someone doesn't want your help than thats their decision. Your life as a military wife/neighbor/etc is what you make of it and even when something/someone bothers me I try to remember that they are human too. Hope this helps!

Kelly - posted on 11/17/2010

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I have lived on base in 2 different houses for a little over 3 years now. I have never made friends with my neighbors, they all just want to talk about the wife that doesn't talk to them or start drama with each other or talk about who's husband has more rank and has the better job. I just hate drama!!! I know that not all military wives are like that but everyone of my neighbors are and the ones that move in just get sucked into it. As far as wives in my husbands unit I have met 2 and one of them recently joined the military and became too cool to hang out with civilians, the other moved away. :) I just don't want to put forward the effort anymore just to find out that all they want to do is gossip and start drama or compare husbands!!!

Alexandra - posted on 11/15/2010

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hey tah,
i am getting sick reading this. This is nothing but a lot of female-drama. If you guys don't like army wifes then fine, don't talk to them. it's true army wifes cheat (soldiers cheat too by the way) and some of them are just ..... (u know) but so are soldiers
girls, just stop the army drama.... we're not in highschool anymore

Jacqueline - posted on 04/05/2010

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I have had some REALLY bad experiences with other military wives to the point where I wont say anything personal. My husband and us just PCS'd to Ft Hood and I have met a few wives and we're fine. We talk and all but some things I just wont say cuz it comes back to bite me.

Carey - posted on 04/05/2010

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I would like to add a recent experience that supports my last post specifically. I am sorry so many of you think badly of AF wives, because I am one and am in no way what you are describing.

A few weeks ago, I found a pageant directly tied to Relay for Life. The entry requires a small fund raising commitment that I wanted to take on and surpass. I posted on our spouses' group page inviting my friends, acquaintances... to attend my yard sale and bake sale. Instead I got FIVE volunteers to donate baked goods and yard sale items to my sale. Another friend helped put out signs. They did not ask anything in return, just offered their talent and time to my cause. These are women I am proud to say are AF spouses and they are not cheaters or ill-spirited.

Carolyn - posted on 04/05/2010

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It's like a freaking soap opera. Theres always some kind of drama but I associate with them not all of them I just stay out of the drama. Some are into going out, partying cheating on their husbands. I want no part of that. I won't cover for a cheating spouse not that I'll go out of my way to tell on them I just don't want to be involved. There are some really great strong independent women married to soldiers so I won't say that I won't be friends with military wives I've known some great women they really add to your life and you can learn things from each other it can make military life easier to deal with as well because they go through the same thing. Some are just young or worse they just like drama. I have several friends that I've kept in touch with even after they've PCS'ed somewhere else. I've had some bad experiences too I shied away from other wives for awhile but they aren't always like that not even most of them just a handful that give the rest of us a "bad rap". I would say don't be so quick to judge just because they're a military spouse. I generally choose to spend more time with the ones who have children and seem to be dedicated to their families that's what we usually talk about our children and husbands. sometimes other spouses not there will come up in conversation but I don't contribute to those conversations. Husbands will make comments about other spouses too so wives won't want to be friends with them but sometimes husbands don't really know if you decide you like them and befriend them you can tell your spouse other things about them or they get to know them a little themselves.

Nicole - posted on 03/02/2010

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Here's my deal with AF wives: most of the ones I've met that are married to my husband's coworkers are not people I want to hang out with. They lie, cheat on their husbands, have dysfuncitonal families...no thank you! I don't know if it's just the people he works with or if they're all like that or what. I tried to be friends with one girl and she didn't want anything to do with me. I find it hard to make friends with other AF wives because it seems like their husbands aren't going career and they're from small towns and still have friends and a life back home. I don't, THIS is my home now. I do have one military wife friend though, and she's a Navy wife!

Carey - posted on 03/01/2010

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I am blessed that my husband is in a squadron and on an Air Force base where we are all spouses who are in it together no matter what our husbands' "statuses" happen to be. Many of our husbands deploy up to half the year every single year, so we grab for a support system and don't bully the other women who are in the same boat we are. My husband's squadron has a spouses' social every month where enlisted and officers' wives are invited, welcome, and encouraged to bring other friends who are or are not part of the squadron. It works out so much better that way. People have more friends and are happier when they aren't trying to hurt or compete with each other. I wish it were that way for all military wives. We have bigger battles to fight.

Suzette - posted on 03/01/2010

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@Tah... "maybe i will make a sweet potatoe pie from scratch and take it to the neighbor..but i promise if she rolls her eyes when i ring her bell.....she may wear it" LOL!!! Take pictures if you actually make her wear it. Sorry, but that would be too damned funny.

I know that a lot of women have been burned, that they just see another woman and think, "Great... another bunch of drama to deal with, I wonder what she wants."
But, like I tell my female friends who want to man bash... have you ever thought, for two seconds, about the crap they've been through? Maybe, just maybe, they're not that type of person and you're judging a book by its cover when you could have something completely amazing with that person. So the people that want to judge me by my "cover" just aren't worth my time. I don't care how many times they've been burned, what they've been through in life, etc. We've all got a story, but if you're not willing to open a book and get to know the story, to me your story isn't worth reading. (Not you or anyone in particular on the board, just in general.)
It might make me sound bitchy... but I just don't have time for the games.

Suzette - posted on 03/01/2010

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Shelby... I didn't think you did. LOL. Ya know, I think we're so used to reading everything on these boards and having everyone get riled over our opinions it's almost instinct now. Though, now that I read what I said in response... it does sound as though I thought you took offense. It was just an apology for thinking it was you when it wasn't. lol.

Tah - posted on 03/01/2010

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I have decided to be nice....yes..to be nice...like i said previously..i wwas the girl with the male friends, which is prob why some husbands think i'm cool and they can vent about the wife to me..i have found women to be the same way shelby has described them throw in jealous...I mean i have had women jealous that i thought had it way better than i did...but hey...so Instead of giving people the once over from head to toe the way they do me...i am going to speak...yeaaaa me.....because i know myself and i know that you get A chance with me and then first impressions are all you get so you need tomake it count..cause i do...but i am going to turn over a new leaf.....we will see..maybe i will make a sweet potatoe pie from scratch and take it to the neighbor..but i promise if she rolls her eyes when i ring her bell.....she may wear it...No..i am not going to think like that...i am going to be positive..I have realized that alot of the wives have been burned and to them i may look like a lighter so..i am going to give it a try...

Shelby - posted on 03/01/2010

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NO,No, I didn't take offense to it, was just saying...Thats all. No harm, No foul.

Suzette - posted on 03/01/2010

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@Shelby, In the numerous convo's we've had, it's hard to keep track of who said what and when. Which is why I said not to quote me... so I apologize if I thought it was you and it wasn't. Though, you're right, I think the reason I thought it was is because you were either the first, or one of the first, to point out that women are vengeful, judgmental, catty, vindictive...etc.

Emily - posted on 03/01/2010

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The thing is, I was the ombudsman for this boat, and the only person I was really allowed to speak with about any frustrations I was having while the guys were away was this particular girl...she was part of my small command support team, and I was the support for the rest of the women on the boat. My husband was having trouble getting his qualifications finished before they made their last port, and I was venting to her about that (while I was 8 months pregnant). Her husband happened to be the Chief of the Boat, and she told him everything I said to her...AND she made it sound like I blabbed all of this stuff about my husband at one of the wives gatherings, in front of God and everybody (which I didn't....it was just me and her). So they told my husband that if he felt like he was having a hard time getting his quals done, that he could ride the boat home from Europe instead of flying home from their last port to be with me. I then got a call from him during their last port asking me why I would say such things about him in front of everybody...she very nearly caused a huge rift between my husband and I because he thought I was hanging him out to dry. I spent an hour trying to tell him what really happened and we discussed exactly who I could and couldn't trust to confide in as far as the wives went. So yes, I do remain guarded, it was a hard lesson learned that I couldn't be as open and trusting with people as I usually am, but I also give each wife a chance as well, I'm friendly and outgoing and realize that we do need each other. You learn to become a good judge of character, and to recognize if a woman is genuine or not. I don't understand why these women are the way they are...I come from the perspective that we need to support each other. We are the ONLY ONES that truly understand what it's like to live this kind of life. I had the honor of becoming very good friends with a fellow navy wife while our husbands were out to sea during this same deployment. We are now living in separate states, and I miss her more than I do my own family. Because you see, when these guys are away, and you are left home alone to take care of everything, these other women BECOME your family, and your family members become your friends. I grew so close to her that she was the only other person allowed in the room when my son was born (besides my husband and midwives). We will probably never live near each other again, but she will always remain one of the best friends I've ever had no matter how far apart we are.

Shelby - posted on 03/01/2010

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@ Suzette...I don't think it was me who said that...I completely understand why, I think I might have been the first to point out that women are vengeful, judgmental, catty, vindictive...etc. If I did say it...Forgive me, I have no clue what I was thinking, because that is definitely not one of my problems...



@ Ashlee, Its really quite simple, When you're laying on the couch, sick with nothing else to do, pissed about plenty that is being said, and pretty much fed up, Your words per minute only have to be so high before its all out in a quickness.

Ashlee - posted on 02/28/2010

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How do you guys honestly have time to write these freaking novels! I have had very poor experiences with other military wives and I have just decided I will be kind and social when the time comes that we all have to be together on family day and etc. but when I am home I am home with my family and my focus is my husband and my son! We chose to live off base because of the simple fact of military wives. I would rather surround myself with positive people and not people that can't wait to escape reality and talk amongst themselves about each other and on some horrible occasions wives stepping on your toes and trying to go after your husband behind your back.. I would rather be into my family and spend time with my son then worry about what Jackie across the street is doing while her husband is gone.. ya know?

Katie - posted on 02/28/2010

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the thing is with me. we moved away from our family and friends at age 19 and it is soo hard to find someone who is my age and someone who dont think about going to the bars all the time. i dont know about your base but here where i am at it is a nice base and all the wifes get along i guess. but i cnat find a reason to associate with them. i dont care for a couple here on base just bc of their attitudes. i guess it is harder if your a teen coming into the military world bc everyone is soo much older than you. and the two girls that are around my age they dont have kids so they dont know what it is like to bring your baby around everywhere you go. and i havent been able to make it to the spouses club because i started college and i am really shy when it comes to meeting new people who i have no clue who they are. maybe later on i can get more associated with the ladies here on base but as of right now my main concerns are my son and college.

Amber - posted on 02/28/2010

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I am not very outgoing. I just moved from Texas to Florida, before we moved most of the people I knew had left and, to be honest, I didn't know anyone in the neighborhood anymore and we lived there for 2 1/2 years. So far, since we have been in Florida, I haven't really met anyone except for random mothers so that my kids can play with theirs. Typically it takes a far more outgoing person than I for me to associate with other wives. But I have meet some absolutely wonderful military wives...

Suzette - posted on 02/28/2010

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@Emily, There was another woman on the board who said that she can't understand why women are so mean to one another. (I believe it was Shelby, but we've had quite a few long conversations on this board & others, so don't quote me on that.. lol)
I can understand being guarded to an extent... I can NOT understand another military wife running off to the COC (if that's what she did) and telling on another wife who said something in confidence over coffee. What the hell is wrong with women who do that crap? It would be one thing if it were something serious... but to tattle like a little child because someone is seriously hurt (regardless of pettiness of her hubs situation) that her husband may miss the birth of their child, I mean... wow!
The only reason I can think of is so that she could get a pat on the back or kudos and her hubby could come home early. I couldn't, and wouldn't, do that to someone. My husband, who is the most loving person I've ever known, would likely smack me upside the back of my head if I did. And it'd be well deserved too.

I also understand the moving away and being heartbroken over losing friends. There are a lot of civilian friends I've lost touch with after being married into the military. They either don't understand or ... well that's basically it. I try to tell myself they're busy with whatever they have going on, but really an email doesn't take that long. I guess getting married, moving away, and getting pregnant puts a damper on a friendship when the other friend has no idea what that kind of life is like... especially when you throw the military in the mix. The sad thing is that they can't even talk with you about "normal" life either. You try making the effort but after a while you get tired of being the only one.

The only thing a person can do is try not to give up on making a positive experience. I'm sure it's going to be damn hard for me if/when I get burned by another military wife. Hmm... maybe that's why one of the people I'm friends with (a neighbor) is so quiet and keeps to herself a lot. I'll have to ask her... it's got to be that or she's just tired of losing friends everytime they PCS.

Julia - posted on 02/28/2010

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Exactly....if I need a day for myself...I ask my husband. And lets just say the last time I asked for one was
#1 when we could afford it and
#2 so long ago my pedicure nail polish is only on my big toe anymore.

Yeah I know how it is not being able to get out of the house often....husband is a home body and doesn't like taking the girls out unless necessary. I'm just anxious not be pregnant anymore....2 years in a row is way too much.

Suzette - posted on 02/28/2010

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@Julia, women who do the crap of dropping their kids off at day care so they can go play around to do whatever like tanning or getting their nails done, need a serious slap in the face. It's one thing if you're doing it for a "pamper me spa day" that you've been in serious need of because, for instance, you've been feeling like crap, down in the dumps, sicker than hell, and your husband told you to just take a day for yourself. That's a little different. I can see that. But to do that kinda crap where you drop your kids off at day care to go shopping all the time? I'm sorry, you need a reality check INMHO. lol.

Yeah, I rarely get out of sweats and a tank top lately. My hip hurts too bad to put much of anything else on usually jeans are too constricting. I'm bloated, on top of being pregnant, so jeans are saved for going out .. which lately has been to the doctor. woohoo. Oh and then we do one of our favorite things afterward... like the book store. lol. But that's our extent of getting out of the house. It's a good thing we seriously enjoy one another's company. lol

Hopefully you feel better soon. ;)

Julia - posted on 02/28/2010

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I know this is a lot late....I've been sick along with my girls AND had company for the weekend. However...

@ Shelby,
" Have you ever sat and listened to someone complain about not having money to pay this bill, or coming over to borrow sugar until payday because things ran so tight...but their nails are done? Doesn't that erk you?"
that is exactly what I was talking about when I said that crap about the ones who drop off their kids at day care to do that kind of shit.

@ Suzette,
I'm pregnant too and this whole week I have been sick, so do you think I have even gotten out of my PJ's? Yeah no....don't think so. Although my poor husband has mentioned that I need to put some make up on because I just "look sick" thanks baby!
Sorry it's been a while since I have been on this post so I know it's late.

Lori - posted on 02/27/2010

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Good god these are some looong posts!

Just to be short and blunt. I am a military wife. I dont speak to other wives or even other enlisted for that matter. I want to stay out of any drama. So I lay low. Women are too full of drama!! LOL

Suzette - posted on 02/27/2010

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@Tah, you're right, tit for tat isn't right - but sometimes it feels so damn good. :) Like you, I'm dealing with it in my way. Personally, while it's not right, I feel that sometimes people just deserve to know what they're dishing. My mom always told me if you can't handle what you dish out, you shouldn't have been in the kitchen dishin in the first place. lol.

@Shelby, I've seen the people you're talking about, the ones with the attitudes that aren't Officers wives (or Officers for that matter). I've seen it go both ways... I don't know why people have such an attitude about it unless it's just flat out jealousy. (In which case they really shouldn't be directing it at another person, that's their own problem.) I get the attitudes here (the snide looks), but it's not because of my husband's rank. It's a whole other ball game with the unit he's with.

Shelby - posted on 02/27/2010

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I do have to say, its not just the officers who have the attitudes though...Because we aren't going to be living here for much longer before we PCS, (I'm talking a few months) We told housing that we preferred to stay in the house we are in, instead of moving into officer housing. Now mind you not only does not one soul on this base know me...1)I've only been here since July, 2) I've been sick most of that time 3) Nobody talks to each other anyway...But, I have always had a smile on my face and a wave for everyone regardless. However, the moment I stuck that blue sticker on my car. I get nothing but dirty looks now. So in my shoes...I personally can't wait to get into Officer housing I have been slowly, quietly but surely told I no longer belong here.

Tah - posted on 02/27/2010

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I have not had that rank thing yet..my neighbor that moved this summer was married to a chief..he had just made it at 20 years or maybe 19 i think and she was cool..a little racist but some people don't even know they are so i forgive them....i just things to make them think..she bought me my i love me sailor magnet for my truck before she left and her oldest had just married a marine..my husband is IT2 and i love next door a staff sgt in the army...i have friends whose husbands are the same...or seamen..chiefs and the husban who was an officer just left he was funny...they were waiting for the mo ers and we told him to stay he said.sh******T..ain't no future in that....lol....so i have have can seriously say i have not experienced that rank thing..i almost hope i do so i can set some ..what is it called, a O wife...or whatever straight....



i could give a rats behind what your husband's rank is...i know hard working people who may have a lesser rank and people advance in different ways according to the branch..who works hard and knows their job is what matters to me..get over it...get your own identity......@shelby and suzette//i take steriods for my asthma soi know about the blotting and weight gain from meds..i get it....also some meds for the issues i have with my elbow..so i get it....also..i am right there with you ..they give me the look i multiply it by 10 and give it back..i know tit fo tat doesn't make it better..but it feels so good...lol....even stevens doesn't work for me..now when i step it up 10..then we are even..i know..it's not right...i'm taking it up with Jesus...

Kristi - posted on 02/27/2010

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From experience with other wives I have met some who believe they are "better" because their husband has a higher rank or is an officer. But even with those I still do not judge all the wives the same. I will give anyone a chance until you try to throw something in my face. I have only been an Army Wife for a year and have never lived on post, as to I really dont like the idea of living in a duplex type home since I have already had one bad experience with having security at our first apartment called on me cause my daughter was sick and screaming and absolutely nothing was soothing to her not even being held.

Suzette - posted on 02/27/2010

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@Cassie, I would like to say that I can't believe people our like that but the truth is that I can believe it. I can be extremely strong opinioned, and a loud mouth (lol), but when it comes to certain things you have to be able to debate, not run to someone else and cry about the fact that a person doesn't agree with you. As you said (not in so many words) what the hell is this, high school? I've gotten the looks you're talking about... it's great to see their reaction when I return them too. They really don't expect it when the eyebrow raises and I purse my lips together, looking them up and down, sighing softly and then turning on my heel and walking off. I don't tolerate being snubbed like that, so when someone thinks they're going to pull some crap like that with me, I just do the same thing in return. I actually had one wife stop me and apologize for doing it, I simply told her that instead of judging me by what I looked like she should've taken the time to get to know me first. She stood there in shock as I walked off with my husband. He was trying his hardest not to laugh his butt off. He made it about 2 paces away from her before he busted up laughing.

Sunshine - posted on 02/27/2010

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I've actually had a couple bad experiences but I don't think it had anything to do with them being Military or a Military Family! In a way it could be cause you know how we all HAVE to move half of the time & when you move you leave friends behind, NOT forgetting them just moving.. Well an OLD friend I recently stopped being her friend cause I felt horrible not cause I did anything at all..

But I have known this girl for about 3 years. THANKS TO THE MILITARY for moving you right! You always meet awesome people. Well I was at Campbell for 3 years & we moved here to Colorado almost a year ago well since I left there she hasn't talked to me & the only time she has called me is when her hubby is mad at her.. Thats not what friendship is based on.. I called her ALL the time to see how she was & she never answered my calls or texts:( She claims her phone is messed up well she just bought a new one & yet that one is messed up, W/E! I just had to give up cause I was the only one trying.. Then I have STOPPED being a couple peoples friends B/C it was about their husbands money or their rank..

I give almost anyone a chance so I can't say I hate anyone:)



But I could care less if someone is in the military or not:)

Cassie - posted on 02/27/2010

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I don't associate with those in our neighborhood because they all got together and had the housing office make us take down our "Marriage Equality" signs. For months during the election, I tolerated their "Yes on 8" signs. It is simply ridiculous. As far as other military wives in general....We are hermits lol. Most of the other wives I have met....Look me up and down before even saying Hello.....it's like High School all over again.

Suzette - posted on 02/27/2010

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@Shelby... I understand exactly what you mean. If we're "hitting the town" it's different. If we're going to a friends house (literally across the street), to relax, and talk about pregnancy stuff or Army stuff, there's no way I'm doing anything but putting on a pair of jeans and a tshirt. Of course, my friend doesn't do anything but that either. lol.
But really going out is different. If we're going grocery shopping, I'm sorry but there's really not anyone that I'm looking to seriously impress at the grocery store. I'll still wash my face, make myself presentable and such, but I'm not going to go all out. The only person I go all out for is the man I lay next to everynight. Really though, he doesn't like the whole make up thing even when I do it...he tells me I look gorgeous when I do, but loves it even more when I don't. I don't think I'm ever going to make sense of that, but I accept it and love him even more for it. :)
You're right, a lot of people don't understand what it is to be a healthy, honest, and mutually respectful marriage (or any relationship of that sort for that matter).
Like you, when I spend most of my day either lying on the couch in some kind of pain, or trying to get comfortable, I don't see the point in putting on any other clothes besides my sweats with my hair in a pony. And as swollen as I've been getting, it's hard to get comfortable in some of the clothes I have, even the maternity clothes at times. (I know all too well what you mean about meds and wardrobes... lol, it's a pain in the a$$!)

Shelby - posted on 02/27/2010

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Oh, no,no,no...I don't leave the house with my husband in my sweats. If me and my husband leave the house together, oh no (as long as I am in a state of fitting in my clothes my meds have me up and down in weight, and the pay only allows me so many wardrobes a year) I definitely am dressed. Hair did...makeup did...LOL... I'll rock a pair of skinnys, and some heels with all 5 kids in tow!!! As much as I spend on the make-up that I do wear, I'll throw that on too!!! LOL, lWhen me and my hubby actually "HIT the town" Watch out Now!!! I'll be rocking some hot pink stilettos and taking no prisoners...I know we won't be staying long once he does take me out!!! No its just in my own domain that I usually look like a hot mess. I'm just not that comfy in jeans, especially when I spend a good portion of my day on the floor, whether its scrubbing scuff marks off the floor, or elbow deep in cleaners, or building a playdough zoo, or play monster truck rally!!! thats all. However, Going to WalMart in my Spongebob jammies...I'm not sure that would bother me too much...HaHa. http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?paged=2

I have to admit though I have a great husband and most people that throw out their opinions really have no clue. I mean honestly if the "national" divorce rate is what...50%...give or take... and the rate in the military is higher!!!! HELLO!!! How many actually understand a good healthy honest mutual respectful marriage...Not very many.



All in all I personally say to each their own.

Suzette - posted on 02/27/2010

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@Tah... LOL@ "I saw your wife... is she ok?" I see a lot of women around here where that question is likely asked. If they're having a bad day, it's understandable. I'm not saying that these women should be all dressed to the nines either. But running a comb through your hair or putting on a clean pair of pants to go out in public (not the front yard or the backyard, but actual public) is just something I was taught. Then again, not everyone was taught the same either.

Suzette - posted on 02/27/2010

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@Shelby, I don't mind small town life so much... but I think I might even be the one waiting around on the phone to ring to find out if we were getting the hell out of dodge at that point. Hopefully your hubby is able to get stationed elsewhere soon so you can PCS to somewhere a bit more friendly, not to mention somewhere that has more to it. :)

Tah - posted on 02/27/2010

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@shelby...i have heard it all..(even though I know it was just to make a point)...but here's the thing..i never heard it until i married into the military because everybody I knew worked..and we knew daycare wasn't raising our children...when i see a daycare provider taking my children to church...teaching them our values and culture, at a dance recital...shoot...dance rehearsal for that matter...hustling girl scout cookies(like i am now..lol...)sitting at the xmas concert thinking to themselves...don't miss the note don't miss the note...good boy..he got it...because you have been listening to him practice down in his room( Thank you to the inventor of ear plugs..lol) for weeks.taking him to the zoo and aquarium because he wants to be a zoologist(in other words encouraging their dreams)...teaching right from wrong...how to make omelets to your son(i told him i won't be in your dorm in 5 years or your apt in 10..so learn now)..and how to make sweet potatoe pie from scratch to your daughter(8)..how to make paper airplanes to your 3 years old...How to recognize when someone is trying to pull the wool over your eyes..



I haven't seen any out at the park with us...sitting in any movies theaters, on any 6 hour rides to visit family or just family vacations(is so she could have drove last night..lol)..do they help..of course..but raise...that's a far stretch...but...i understand that that's some people's point of view...As i stated..coming form where i'm from..everybody worked so we didn't have this discussion..i mean you have the chicks that got knocked up every other year and collected welfare..but they are their own group...SO when i got married and moved into housing..The first time i went to the bus stop i met 6 moms..they approached me i was chilling in the background....and when they found out I worked...They looked at me like someting was growing out of my head..the one was a reservist...but everybody else was a SAHM....some had something to fall back on..one was a nurse and she did eventually start working fulltime so they could buy a house....ok..but they were the first to tell me that daycare raises your child...and blah blah blah....I had NEVER heard that before, i was like what?????huh????come again????...So imagine my surprise when one went to work at a convience store because her husband was in korea spending the money before she could see it.....and had to put her child in daycare on post to do it...or when one husband embarrassed his wife in a restaurant telling her she needs to stop eating bon bons all day and get a job since she wants to shop so much...WOW..



Some people can afford it.....Some people love it...Some people do it because they can't afford not to...they have their reasons and to each their own..I started a post because some true ghetto trailer trashish neighbors of mine told me that they have baby after baby so that they can not have to get a job(if you guys remember)..i was invited over a couple times for coffee(to homes where a child if any wasn't in school) and when i got to the door i struggled with if i should go in...because well..i couldn't see the floor and i was sure that wasn't safe....ok she is having a bad or busy day..even though this particular women had all hers in school...she invited me again...i said ok...reluctantly(she wanted my advice but not in front of the group)...this is now 2 days later and THE SAME things were on the floor as before..anywho..alot of the women who answered that post I put up weren't happy or satisfied...Some really were..and i understand being happy with the life you chose...because i am...



The majority actually....some were just itching to get back to work or school..but some(like you) love it..You do programs and volunteer(i do also, just not as much)at school, coordinate and do crafts..(trust me you don't wanna see anything i can make) I mean just turn SAM into a art...and are fulfilled....I think that is great..I really do.



I just like plan B..i encourage it...i mean even you have one(your savings)....so if it's good for you....IF my daughter chooses to marry the man of her dreams and stay at home taking care of the children..more power to her and she can always send the babies to me when she needs a break...but i will instill in her plan B..like finish school..high school without a doubt and college ideally or maybe another school, a real estate license, or what you wanted to do..a CNA cert, office management.....take classes on line..whatever..so if God forbid anything happens or shoot..you just aren't happy...you can change your situation...that is my point..if you need to change anything you are equipped to do it....



I am sorry about your dad and i couldn't have imagined any response to give a grieving mother than what you gave...



My mom is the one that instilled and lead by example to me...from reading between the lines, being independent, letting a man be a man and you being his helpmate, combing your hair and wahsing your face before you leave out the door and for goodness sake don't be in walmart in your spongebob pajamas..lol...and everything else i know about being the person I am..and alot of it she taught while she walked me to school every morning(out of her way, she could have gone to the bus stop a block away, instead she walked me 8 blocks to school(not as bad as it sounds ) and then took the trolley from there...that was our time...so i have "our time" with each of my children just me and them and my husband does as well...I just don't choose to stay at home because it's just not for me, the way the workplace may not be for you...



and to answer the hypothetical question?..didn't irritate me at all...



Now to your story...i think i almost loved your husband a little myself and i don't even know his name(lol)..but that is how your husband is supposed to feel about you...No matter what you have on and how you look, you should be home to him....and I am not saying that if you always wear sweats he will leave, cheat or look at sally stiletto when he's out...Every man is different....I just know that men can be visual..and if when he looks at you in sweats he thiks you are the most beautiful thing in the world, then by all means rock with that....



But as Suzette said..when i go out esp with my husband, you never know who you will meet...We have ran into chiefs and LT at the commisary...His car was in the shop and i went to pick him one day and he must have brought 4 guys over to the truck to meet me..so i like to stay ready...Now did he know if i had on a cute top or a tee shirt.....no..but i am glad i was presentable...and that also was apart of how i was raised...If my mom EVER found out i was outside in my jammies and my hair all over my head letting my children run wild in the streets, my whooping would make the news...believe it.....yes..i see it..at the bus stop, hair all over the head, pj's on...or the sweats from yesterday and the day before(same stain)...i leave after the bus does..i pull right off and go to class....come back at 2pm and see looking the same sitting outside in the same spot as when i left...then at 330 pick the kids up off the bus..still looking like a hot mess and then the husband comes home maybe a hour later...i mean come on..that to me is crazy....



I don't get spifftastic every morning, i do however make sure that if anyone should ever say, hey Dula i saw your wife, that isn't followed by "Is she ok"...lol

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