Pregnant and Husband Deployed

Jenny - posted on 10/25/2011 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My husband was deployed on April 12 of this year to Afghanistan (2nd tour, Iraq being his first). 2 days before he deployed, we found out we were expecting our first child together. I have a daughter from a previous relationship.
Of course, I was extremely emotional with the news. I was very happy, as was he, but also very scared. How is this going to work? He will be gone the entire pregnancy. He won't be able to experience this with me. Those were questions that circled my head as well as my husbands. With my first pregnancy, it was very smooth and I had absolutely no complications. Before my husband left, I reassured him I would be okay and would let him know about the pregnancy every step of the way. Support from family was not an issue as we lived where all my family lives. I also told him I would continue working. I am the head MA in a pediatric clinic. I knew we had to save as much money as we possibly could, so not working was not an option for me.
At my first appointment, I found out I was about 5 weeks pregnant. Shortly after, I started to experience a lot of complications. I was rushed to the ER and admitted into the hospital due to complications, put on antibiotics, and had to be monitored every 2 weeks. It got to the point where my OB and other doctors suggested an abortion because of all the complications happening. I told them absolutely not and if my baby was in danger, I would consider it, but because baby was not, I continued on with my pregnancy. I was put on bed rest for a total of 3 months.
I have for the most part actually kept my husband out of the major details, but have informed him that there were a few scares, but all is okay. In the back of my mind I know it's not fair considering how involved my husband is trying to be during this difficult time. My husband has lost a lot of men so far in his company, 2 being extremely close friends of his as well as mine. This deployment has definitely taken A LOT out of him and I can tell when I talk to him that he is very stressed and down. Of course, he tries to hide it with the laughs and jokes, but I know. I am in my 8th month and my husband finally got the word that he will be leaving there Dec 10th. I am due Dec 17th. He will be here for 15 days and will have to go back for the remaining 1 year deployment.
I guess right now, I just need support and comfort words from other wives/mothers who have gone through something similar like me or is going through it. A lot of friends have told me I am doing the right thing by not telling him which might escalate his anxiety&stress that he already has, whereas I have other friends who insist I am doing wrong and need to tell him. The hard part is, I know my husband would want me to tell him, but when I talk to him and ask him how he's doing.. all he ever says is "Same o'l same o'l.. the only thing getting me through this is thinking about you, Kaily (step-daughter) and baby boy." He does know I am stressed (primarily because I'm concerned about this pregnancy as well as his safety), but he thinks it's due to work and having to run the office and train other people who will be taking over my job duties.
Are there other women out there who have or is going through this? What was the outcome and how did your husbands feel about it when you told them AFTER or even during?

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Erin - posted on 10/25/2011

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I haven't been in your situation, but I will say this: I would make the same decision you have. When my husband was deployed to Iraq, I tended to tell him about the problems after I had them all solved. When he gets back, tell him that you didn't tell him all the details because you didn't want him to worry about something that he had no control over. Try to help him see that you were doing this from a place of love. You weren't trying to cut him out of this pregnancy; you were trying to ease his stress level. I hope it all works out for you.

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