Question about PTSD! Need opinions on a very delicate matter ASAP!

[deleted account] ( 40 moms have responded )

Dear Moms,
I posted another question where I said my deployed husband wants to divorce me because of my raging mood swings and how awful I have hurt him. I have new information that I am honestly concerned that he is cracking. First, as soon as he was deployed, his Captain said he wasn't acting at all himself, was begging to go home and see his family, was not acting like he could handle the deployment so they took him out of more dangerous job and put him behind a computer/desk on base. They told him it was because he has computer skills, but it was really because some of the guys that had known him a while said he wasn't acting himself either. Well, he told me that he got early leave because no one else wanted it. I didn't know he had begged for it. Then when he comes home, he has jet lag, right, so he isn't going to bed at normal times, but not like him at all, he wanted the light on at night and he was not sleeping very many hours at night. Usually, when he is off on leave, he sleeps a lot because he loves to sleep in whenever he can, but he was sleeping like 6 hours instead of a lot more. Then he has lost 20 pounds in the last couple of months and doesn't have much of an appetite. He has never before been in trouble for not performing well or being a wimp. he is always one of the top guys in his classes at least intellectually, and physically, he is usually not working out for the fun of it, but because he has to, so I am not sure why he is not eating much and losing all the weight. Maybe the affair he wants to look better, but maybe he is just not coping well. He doesn't have his close friends over there with him. They all got spread out and he is not living or around his friends, so he is not leaning on them. His parents and brothers do not write and call him, and then he tells me I am so bad that he is done with me. I thought this all had to do with him not wanting me anymore for his behavior, but he was screaming and crying at me when home. He never acts like that. I thought, I guess he was just emotional about the divorce, but now I feel like he was unloading and using me as a scapegoat for all his problems. Should I tell his captain that I am concerned about his emotional well being? I had no idea that he was acting weird over there and I don't want to look like a vindictive, jilted spouse, but I am seriously worried. He is not acting like himself and I fear that if I tell them he is having an emotional affair in addiction to his other symptoms, they won't take me seriously and think that I am just trying to screw him over. But I had no intention of getting him in trouble, in fact I think they demote people for affairs because she is a SSG and so then there would be less money for me and he would be madder at me. He was also acting paranoid that I was going to sell all his stuff and steal all his money while he was gone, and calling me evil and telling me that I was crazy. I took it all in, was crying and apologizing, but now I think he needs help. He needs to talk to counselors over there, not about our marriage, but he doesn't sound like he is coping well and I don't want him to get hurt or lose it over there. I still love and care about him. I am worried that this woman is messing up his concentration and that is why he wanted to hurry home, because maybe she lives around here and he wanted to see her. It was only a day or two after he came home that he started telling me we were over, the love was gone, he could never love me again, there was no hope, etc. Should I tell his captain?

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Sadie - posted on 01/27/2011

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TELL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he has PTSD, i'm sure my husband didn't want to leave me but he had some of these same issues since he has been home it has been a very hard yr and 1/2 but get him help and keep trying till they listen

Tah - posted on 01/26/2011

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okay shelly was right we didnt ask his rank..usually don't, do they treat them differently for PTSD depending on rank??? I dont see why they would, but maybe thats important in some way??



@Marci...of course you still love him, if it was that easy to fall out of love kleenex would be out of business. At least now he has taken responsibility for is actions and knows this is not a good time to make these big decisions. He does need looking after even if he doesn't think so. ust continue talking to someone and when he gets home you guys try together if thats what you decide. There is definitely some big time healing because there are for sure some huge wounds between the 2. I do believe that prayer can change things. If you stay together or no, a good line of communication, a good working relationship and healing are all essential to moving forward and especially for the children.

Saleena - posted on 01/26/2011

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Sorry hit send before I was finished!
I just wanted to finish by saying I hope you all stay safe, keep us posted on your progress!! YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!! check into online classes while he's gone so you can get YOUR life back on track regardless of the final outcome!! I wish you the best of luck, if you need someone to chat with personally I'm here ;-) good luck!!

Katy - posted on 01/26/2011

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I believe you should go to his chain of command. He does have PTSD and need help. But when you go you need to tell them everything, not just his part. That will stop the vindictive part. They will get him help before its too late. It may not save your marriage, but it will save him. Just being honest. I have ptsd and have delt with people with more major ptsd then I. When they get to that screaming match its serious. They have all the stress of the deployment running in n out of they're head, and not to sound mean but you probably didn't make things better for him when he was there by yelling @ him and the talk of divorce before hand. That is the worse thing you could do to a soldier before they deploy, is tell them you want a divorce. That makes them feel like one more reason to hate this deployment and to stress about it more. I read your last post and honestly left my mouth wide open. Yes , do tell his chain of command everything. That way he can get his special theropy, you can get your, and also theropy for your marriage. Theropy is nothing to be ashamed of, it helped me. He will probably need to be ordered to go to theropy because of the state he's in. But don't wait, u need to step on this now before he gets worse.

Jackie - posted on 01/22/2011

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My hubby is retired now for a couple years but when he was active duty, I had be his voice when it came to getting him seen by specialist for his emtional issues after coming back from the middle east. I can tell you that you need to speak up for him to his superiors, not only will this jump start some counseling and maybe medication but it will help by proving he needs continuous help so he can get a higher disability percentage if they force him to reitre early. You want to keep copies of ALL documentation (medical and service related). Is your power of attorney up date? Good luck, i know from my experience that is sooo hard dealing with a guy who used to be my rock to a someone I barely know.

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Christan - posted on 03/22/2011

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Being married to someone with PTSD can be very hard. I feel for you and Want you to know that you are in my prayers.

Shelly - posted on 02/03/2011

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You may not like what i have to say but you need to think about talking to his chain of command and telling them the truth it could be PTSD causing the issues but it's not fair for him to have a mistress and be married regardless of how your marriage may have been in the past. Don't let him drag you down you have to put yourself and those kids first without you they will not survive and do well so plz take care of yourself.

Tah - posted on 02/03/2011

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How you spent 1 year like that, esp 15 is beyond me, i am so sorry your marriage has been like that, the fact that he diverted his plane to see her and then told you he broke it off and wanted you to be there as a friend is a manipulative behavior in and of itself. im glad you are working on you, and it is the loss of something so you will grieve. I think the best we can do for our children is to show them what a good marriage to someone who loves and respects themselves and us is. I think God has someone for everyone and sometimes we choose who we want. No matter how much we try to force some things they dont fit, and he gives us a way out. I just want to encourage you to pray about the situation, the children and your husband even though you have made your choice, once you have regained your independence and footing, things will began to look up. Just give it time.

Saleena - posted on 02/02/2011

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I'm proud you made your decision and knowing how BAD things CAN get at home with PTSD, I know it isn't easy!!! But hopefully he'll get the help he NEEDS and whether or not you two are together your children WILL BE LOVED! If it's been as bad as you've felt it for 15 years just think how your young children feel! You can break the cycle an show them that being in a LOVING relationship is better than being in a hateful abusive one! Controlling people are tough on EVERYONE around them and be PROUD of yourself for standing up for your family! It's not going to be easy in the beginning but you and your kids deserve to be safe and happy! I'm not saying he's gonna be physically abusive but I've seen it ;( especially when the one with PTSD doesn't think they need help and it's EVERYONE else's fault! Too many trips to rescue friends from the hospital & sending their kids to stay out of state so they're safe)! Just PLEASE continue to go to therapy for yourself and the kids, YOU all need it!!! Keep us posted on how you're doing we are all here for you!

[deleted account]

Thanks Tah. I just posted (above). I am really sad right now. This is just the worst part. My goal is to be polite and not a crazy angry divorcing spouse, and try to do damage control on the kids. I hate the idea of not having my kids full time anymore, but sharing them with him and bouncing them back and forth, and not having them for all their holidays and birthdays : ( My grief is over my kid's future and I think every kid deserves two parents that love each other and are married, but now my kids don't get that and it's not their fault. So sad.

[deleted account]

Thanks. I actually have decided we are going to get a divorce and it has been very difficult to talk to him on the phone. After evaluating our 15 year marriage, I have realized that we have never been happy. My husband has had his addictions and behaviors and I have tried to take care of him and help him and be the best wife possible, and although I did have my blowups at him, I have pretty much realized that I need to be alone or with someone who actually loves and wants to be married to me, too. Since he has already given up, and since he says he doesn't want to try and also since he has always had a problem with lying and witholding any love or affection from me, and with controlling all financial and major decisions (his way or the highway), I have decided enough is enough. Especially when I found out that he diverted his flight on the way back to Iraq to see his mistress. I do need to take care of myself. I have been trying to be a good wife for the last 15 years where every single day of the marriage I have felt lonely and rejected.

Daneka - posted on 02/02/2011

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Oh Sweet Girl, My heart breaks for you. Reading through this, I see a lot of "how to take care of him"... but not seeing much on how you're taking care of YOU. You did right by expressing your concerns for Hubby. Let the military take care of him. Now it's time for you to take care of you. Talk to someone about how this is impacting you and your children, there are lots of avenues for healing for you and the kids. Please don't ignore your pain to focus on his.

Tah - posted on 01/26/2011

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not offended..lol...i actually missed the post about the girls rank, i just saw the post where she said he only put that to throw people off, so i thought it had to do with treatment, which, myself being in the medical field, i was hoping that wasnt the case..lol

Karla - posted on 01/26/2011

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Marci, I agree with Shelly, I think not discussing or making any further decisions regarding your marriage for the time being is a wise idea... things are very raw, and if your phone conversations are anything like ours were when my hubby was deployed, they are in brief snatches of discussions - you cant decide the fate of your relationship in a conversation like that! As well, I think it is important that you go to counseling - even if he does not. You have some issues to work through, and even if your hubby isnt, this will help you with the issues you have, as well as in coping with what is going on - and counseling will change the dynamics of your relationship, even if you are the only one going, because you will be learning different skills/things about yourself, which will in turn affect your husband. I agree that if you both work you can improve your relationship - maybe it will even become better than it has been in the past. It isnt an easy road, but it will be worth it in the end!

Shelly - posted on 01/26/2011

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I know you guys must have thought i might something bad about asking his rank but what Marci said is correct if you are an officer and you are involved with a NCO or enlisted soldier the ramifications can be so much more severe especially if he is her chain of command was the main reason I asked. The other reason I asked was because and this is not against Marci or your husband but way too many times I've seen Officers messing with enlisted or NCO and that is strictly forbidden. I am really glad it turned out not to be the case. No soldier regardless of rank should be treated any differently for the same type of incident due to their rank cause they all know the rules and regulations but unfortunately it does. I hope I haven't offend anyone but being an Army wife for 20 years and I am only 40. It's a long hard road and It's not been easy honestly but I do believe that you and your husband can work things out if you are willing to work hard.

Shelly - posted on 01/26/2011

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I understand and again I am so sorry that this is happening to your family. He sounds like he has some serious mental issues and it's great that they are making him get out and do things when he can but you need to stress to his captain that regardless of whats going on he needs to talk with someone now even if it's the chaplain about whats going on even if it's just about your marital problems. After time he may feel more comfortable and will talk to the chaplain about other things too. If the the situation presents itself and your husband seems to be open to it ask him to go to counseling and tell him that you will go on your own too while he is away. You both have alot of healing to do and getting yourself straightened out is a good first step in the right direction, do it for yourself and for your kids cause that is all you will have if you don't stay together. I wish you guys the best let me know if you need anything.

Tah - posted on 01/26/2011

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thats fine, i thought maybe it mattered in the way they treat him or something...

[deleted account]

I don't know why she asked his rank but I think maybe to clarify that I was going up the chain of command rather than jumping too high? I know we moms don't care what rank our husbands are but it used to be that officer wives were snobs. Or maybe she wanted to know his rank because an officer carrying on with an enlisted is more punishable than if they were the same rank. We do have lots of huge wounds, but as I was in counseling, he asked me to sum up our marriage over the years. As I was writing it, I had some aha moments where I realized that neither of us have ever trusted the other, so we have both hurt each other a lot. I think God can heal our marriage, if we wait til after the deployment, if we both want it, and in the meantime, we can both work on clearing our heads and stopping the drama between us so he can focus better and not worry about his family (wife).

[deleted account]

Okay now I have talked with him again and we have agreed to not make any major marital decisions while he was deployed, that we have both been crappy to each other, and we will wait and decide whether we are all in or out with each other a month or so after he gets back. In the meantime, we will try and talk about the kids on the phone and play games over skype or something together. I'll go to counseling and he will try and socialize and he says he feels he is handling things better, but I know even if he thinks that, he is under the radar with him command, and I can watch him from here and work on keeping our relationship supportive, and also monitor for signs of PTSD. I still love him.

[deleted account]

Shelly, I found out he put SSG in front of this girlfriends name and phone number to make it look like he was talking army business. She is an exgirlfriend that he found on facebook and not in the military. He told me that she and him are not longer speaking and apologized to me. I told him I wouldn't call her or harrass her since it was over. Yes, he is an LT, so his next up is a captain. They have started making him get out of his room at night and they are making him socialize, but I don't know if they are making him go to counseling. I don't think socializing can get rid of PTSD, if that is what he has. I know that the weight loss and sleep problems were before our divorce issues, so now I am getting more worried. I did tell his captain and left out the other woman, but he only said he would talk to my husband, not that they would push him to go to a counselor. Maybe I should try again? I don't want him to crack and hurt himself or others. I don't know how bad he has it.

Shelly - posted on 01/26/2011

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I am so sorry that it seems like things continue to get more complicated for you and your family. First let me say that PTSD is very serious as we all know. Many soldiers have killed themselves their wives and in some cases their children. They also have been known to crack under the pressure and kill or get other soldiers killed becasue they can't concentrate or they are careless. Not to mention think of him coming home and being around your children and how dangerous that could be for them. I will interject this if you know the woman your husband is talking to this SSG call her ask her to stop talking to your husband immediately if they want to be together after you get divorced fine but ask her to be respectful of your marriage and your childrens lives. I would even go so far as to tell her that if she doesn't that you will contact her chain of command not his becasue she will get in trouble for having an affiar with a married man which is frowned upon just as badly as what he is doing. If his behavior is that eratic he is going to snap either there or when he returns but either way he needs help and you may not end in divorce but he doesn't need to do anything until he gts some help and thats what any mental health care professional will tell him. No one has asked but I will what rank is your husband? Is he a LT.? Regardless something needs to be done or it could be costly to many other families as well.

Saleena - posted on 01/26/2011

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I read both your posts!! I'm glad you contacted his command! (my husband & I are getting ready for yet another deployment and I want him SAFE, so having anyone not in their right mind leaves them ALL vulnerable)! I'm also glad you left out the suspicion of adultery, with or without proof that is best dealt with on the homefront!! Not while deployed! However keep records of EVERYTHING!! If you both decide in the end the divorce is the best for you then I wish you the best of luck! He DEFINATELY needs help, but so do YOU, and the kids! It sounds like you both needed help before he left but it is what it is! Take advantage of what resources you have right now that he's "active"! It'll help in the end!
I also know how it is on his side when things are tough at home, I had to be the "support" system for someone that was deployed because his wife wasn't. She was cheating, always too busy, etc. I was worried that he wouldn't make it home safely, so I was there for him (yes my husband knew, and encouraged me! Also gave me information to pass onto him to help him, we were like his surrogate parents and now that he's home still keep in touch! We used to be close to his wife, but cannot even talk to her after the dangerous situation she put his whole unit in

Misty - posted on 01/25/2011

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ok,so I read all your post....He sounds like he needs someone to talk to for sure.It's hard enough being away from your family but I thought I read you asked for the divorce first and basically told him he was a loser for asking you to get a job and help with the family bills....Also if you knew you treated him bad every month before your period why havent you seeked help in the 15yrs you have been married?I think you both should get some kindof help maybe you two could work it out if you both just stop blaming each other and come together,And it does sound like you are concerned for your husband,but is it for he's well being or he's benefits,hope you can work it all out divorce is hard,sorry if I sounded to blunt but after all we are all military sisters some way or another and sometimes that calls for tough love...good luck

Sandy - posted on 01/25/2011

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Anything you tell someone in the military during an appointment is documented and put on record including but not limited to the chaplain, 1st SGT, anyone in his chain of command and counselor. If you believe he has PTSD, it is safe to tell someone official. If you think he is having an affair, you best keep it away from the military side until you have 100% proof. Even the suspicion of adultery will ruin a military career. If you can't talk to him without getting overly emotional, you need to build yourself a support network of friends and family at least, because you'll need it when things start changing.

Frances M - posted on 01/25/2011

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Before you decide to get a divorce, let the medical community find out what is going on with your husband. If he is not acting right, his state of mind and thinking are not right either. His actions could be a result of some type of trauma. War is hell and it affects people who go through it. It will be easy to forgive him if it's a mental problem that can be corrected. When he is in his right mind, he may be horrified at his actions. I know it is hard (my husband was in Vietnam); but worth working through. I pray God will be with you and your family. I pray he will give you peace in the mist of all this turmoil. He loves you and cares for you. God bless you.

Karla - posted on 01/25/2011

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I honestly think you did the right thing by leaving out the info on the affair... I think the main thing to focus on is that overall, he is not acting like himself... and the information you gave his CPT (eating/sleeping, wt loss, divorce etc) will be enough info for them to keep a watch on him and decide how to handle things further... i think the affair is something you guys will have to deal with, but that can be done once he is home and hopefully has gotten some help for some of these other issues as well... if he really is having trouble handling this deployment, maybe the affair is a symptom of that, not necessarily a condition all it's own - does that make sense? I didnt read your first post either, sorry, so i dont know when the affair started - but like i said, it could be that the affair is a symptom of whatever else is going on with him - deal with the big things first, then try to piece together the rest. I cant imagine how hard it must be for you, but i think you made a good decision - you are concerned about his welfare (and the welfare of those around him, after all, his ability or inability to do his job over there affects way more than just him!) Getting him some help is the first step, see where things go from there... so hard to be stuck at home, i am sure you feel like your hands are tied, but keep your chin up and know you are doing what you think is best for your family! good luck, keep us posted

[deleted account]

call medical or the Mental heath department and they should be able to find out what is going on. good luck

Frances M - posted on 01/23/2011

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They don't usually do anything about a man having an affair unless there is a complaint or the woman gets pg. In which case they will give him a slap on the hand and/or make him pay child support. On the other hand, if you tell them he had an affair while married to you, that is adultry and he can be dishonorable discharged for that. I know a couple of men that were.
Since your husband's Captain has been in contact with you about your husband's strange behavior, you should call him and tell him how he is acting. You can do that without telling him about the adultry. There are psychiatrists in the militry and they run a battery of medical tests first to make sure it is not a disease that is causing the problem. It would be best if you could talk him into going to the base hospital for help without involving his Captain.

[deleted account]

Thanks for your help. I told them that my husband has not been sleeping well, eating well, and is acting strange, and asked for a divorce. I left out the affair completely and said I wasn't saying he was crazy or trying to get him in trouble, just wanted them to talk to him and help him cope.

Tah - posted on 01/22/2011

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i know this is a hard and confusing time, i have posted the link under resources and pinned it to the top of the community, you can click the link and get the phone number and they are there to help you 24/7.

[deleted account]

I think I am going to leave the other woman out of it and just very, very briefly tell someone there that he is acting weird, and maybe mention the eating and sleeping habits, possibly the divorce. I talked to another Captain's wife. She said if they found out he was actually having sex, which who knows if he is or not, but I have no proof of any of it, that he could get courtmartialed or go to Leavenworth. It would be different if it was a woman outside the army. Also, since all I know for sure, but don't even have proof of is the emails and phone calls that I glanced at before he deleted, then I will just look like an angry wife. She said they are already concerned about him, know nothing of our marital problems so they already have in under his radar and are going to take care of him so that he gets his head on straight. Since he left from leave, he hasn't called at all, so if he never calls me or emails or anything at all, I can file a complaint that he is not communicating with me. It is not in my best interest for his military career to get demoted or even to make it look like just a divorce argument, because either way does not directly help me and the kids and may hurt us. There would go our income. I found out that we actually can divorce during the deployment if we want, so now I am thinking about that, but that would be more work. I don't know.

Tah - posted on 01/22/2011

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if he is having a hard time coping, then i would say, and i never really say this, go to his command, not about the affair, if you don't want to, i feel the same about that, the woman scorned going to his command to be vindictive type thing. let them know he has not been acting like himself. the military has so many resources. i believe i posted a link at the bottom for military one source, i will double check, if not i will pin it to the top of this community for you. call them and you can talk with them and find much information about ptsd and how to cope and what your options are. Things like this if not handled can be career ending and very dangerous, if able to get help it would help him as well you and the children. You seem really concerned so lets try that.

[deleted account]

So i want to do whats best for me and my kids, not screw my husband for him hurting me. If he gets in serious trouble, that just hurts me and the kids. If he is just acting whacko cuz he is a cheater, then i just want a divorce. Maybe i could just tell the captain that he isnt himself and leave out the lady and then they can send him to get a psych eval or whatever they do for the ones that go kind of crazy. That way he is not in trouble but gets help in case he is nuts. Otherwise, maybe this is all just guilt from his conscience - ya right. I deserve better and i want a divorce but keep my money and ins benefits from him.

Ashley - posted on 01/22/2011

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Yes you need to go to his chain of command. If your worried he is going to be mad at you, well so what seriously LOL he obviously already is so I guess it wouldn't even matter. I know you love your husband, but right now you need to think about you and your children. If he cares more about that other lady (he might just be playing like he has a mental problem so that he could come home...my husband said that it happens all the time and I personally know one of the guys) then that says a lot about yall's 15 year marriage. Be strong and stand your ground not just for you, but your children. You need a man that stands beside you through thick and thin ALWAYS!!!

Rochelle - posted on 01/22/2011

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then yes if thats his chain of command, I would definately say something, especially if they have noticed things themselves, with your knowledge at home maybe you guys can put your heads together and figure out whats next or atleast let them know you have seen...xy and z...so they HAVE to do something. I have noticed if we dont keep up with our loved ones in the military, things get swept under the rug. As long as you keep up with it, and your husband will be upset but thankful later on. I know I would be thankful eventually,For the thought and care and deepest grief that goes along with our wife/mommy brains that never stop working. LOL but this is all just my opinion. I do think you have a tough road but easy decision. In the best interest of anyone and everyone in your lives including eachother. Its better to be safe than sorry later on. Like i said before I wish you luck and truley hope you can atleast get this off your shoulders. God Bless

[deleted account]

And his captain approached my friend months ago (but I just found out) with concern that my husband is not handling things well emotionally. My friend is his previous captain, now in another company, who knew nothing of our marital crap or the affair, but was asking his wife to check with me to see if my husband was acting weird because they were already concerned about him.

[deleted account]

HIs captain is the next up in the chain of command, and I know there are lots of scorned wives, but I really think my husband, with all the symptoms that are weird, not just about the marriage but how he was acting overseas makes me really surprised. I was more surprised to hear that they put him behind a desk than that he was cheating, to be honest. He never has had any problems holding it together, but this is his first deployment.

Rochelle - posted on 01/21/2011

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ok so i read ur post..all of it and i am new to this whole thing, so i didnt read your first? post, however I will but i wanted to say something before i cant find this again, LOL. not sure the branch of service he is in, but my husband has been in the navy for 10 years and whenever i have issues with anything...i go to his command, and rescently our daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome so i have been working with "the fleet and family service center" they have soooo many programs that i had no idea about. I dont think i would go straight to his captain, I think if it were me and i was TRULEY worried, and im not saying u r one of those scorned wives, but they ARE out there, ive seen them. so i think i would do as my husband is supposed to by going up through his chain of command. I have realized us wives also have a chain of command. But all of that being said DO NOT mess around with PTSD!!!! My best friends husband came home from the middle east he was there a year he came home and didnt even hug her for a month, he was asking weird questions like why does our 5 year old have to brush her teeth at night? and no emotion, no laughter, always just blahhh. kind of robotic in a way. It was quite scary. Luckily he was able to see since he works in the medical field, there was a problem, and got help. he is now after 10 months of this weird guy being here starting to be the man we knew and loved once again. I wish u all the luck in the world and with your husband my prayers are with him. Not only is it scary for us as outsiders i can only imagine what it would feel like to feel it inside.

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