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MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Tah - posted on 07/19/2011

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Look, if you like it I love it for you. It wouldn't be me....sahm whatever, go to school if you haven't already and / or get a job. I honestly think some guys know that some wives won't take the initiative to stand on their own and leave so it's a license to do what they want...it's stupid, degrading, disrespectful, he is lying to you and knows your threats aren't worth anything. When he decides to leave you are going to be in a worse position than you are now and men typically get tired of women they can walk all over married or not.

Tiffany - posted on 07/18/2011

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I'm sorry but that's ridiculous. Why are you married to somone you don't trust? Trust is the foundation of marriage, so if you don't have it love will not be able to help to keep it going very long. I understand that you have children together. Raising them in situation where you have to bribe their father to stay home is crazy! So I agree with Tah, tellhim where he can stick that deal and then move on if you have to.

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Dawn - posted on 07/20/2011

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Spice is now a banned substance for all military personnel.... so if you are living in base housing and he's smoking it and is caught... you're gonna have quite a few problems.

This is just my personal opinion.... he's not much of a husband if he's cheated more than once, goes out and stays out all night with no accountability, what if you had an emergency? Honestly... I think I would pull Household 6 rank on his ass.... and tell him either he stops his shit or you're reporting him to his command... and make the problem all his. They'll pop him on a drug test. I'm not going to negotiate or bribe my husband to come home. Only you know if you can continue to stay in a marriage like this... I couldn't and wouldn't!!!! HUGS!

Tah - posted on 07/19/2011

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In many states, if not all, you get legal separation. I know in va you have to be separated for a year first before divorce..also roxy, you can talk to jag for free, go on base and ask for the legal building...

Tiffany - posted on 07/19/2011

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If you tell is Command and he gets drug tested he will bekicked out of the Army. Is that really what you want? The only reason for telling his Command is that you want to see him get in trouble. So if you want to leave go ahead and leave.

Tah - posted on 07/19/2011

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I already told you I don't care for running to the command with my personal issues. He acts like he is single now and you are unhappy and hurt so what's the difference???..if I'm miserable, I can do that alone...I can do bad by myself is a true statement. What are getting out of it besides strife and stress and tears and grief and that unsettling feeling in your stomach...it's your decision, but I think you know, you have to be separated first..do that, do some counseling and if he wants his family back he will change, he needs to know you are serious, right now he walks all over you because he know he can, you allow it and he knows you are scared to be on your own with your kids. I had my first when I was 16, my second at 21 and I went from being a cashier and student to a nurse, if I can you can..

Me - posted on 07/19/2011

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It is tiring like today he told me he was going to the firing range next week and it has to be night fire which means he will have to stay all night or till 2am. I started to question him and he just gets utpset ta answering. I have no way of proving he is at the firing range unless i ask his commander or someone in charge I dont even know how to get those phone numbers. The bottom line is that I cannot trust him and that is a huge problem. Honestly, I want to get a divorce. I fear that if I were to start the divorce and serve him the papers he will start to act single right then which is hurtful. I also have been wanting to tell his command about him using spice without him knowing that im the one that snitched. He is trying to go to the board for promotion and studying for it so this would make him look bad and ruin alot. Im just tired of him walking all over me and treating me with no respect. Do you think I should just get a divorce or tell his command and hope he changes if he doesnt then get one?? SOrry about all the questions.

Tah - posted on 07/19/2011

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i can imagine how tiring chasing after a man is....knowing everyday that he is only home because you let him get his way even though you aren't happy. i know you are pregnant, and please don't take this the wrong way, but i always wonder we continue to bring babies into these unhappy and unstable relationships. but whats done is done, you can get assistance, its not going to be easy, he can keep them on his tricare and he can allot child support to you and if he wont get it court ordered, if you need assistance for a while get it until you are able to get a better job, if hes such a good dad, he can continue to be, but good dad doesn't = good husband and if mama isn't happy noone is happy, thats the motto in this house..

Me - posted on 07/19/2011

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I agree with you on all levels. He doesnt do it around the kids they are always asleep. He isnt doing it when they are awake he actually is a good father to them and they adore him. Which makes this situation difficult. I feel like being with him is only a temporary thing though becuase he has put me through so much after how much I have been there for him. It is so exhausting having to wonder what he is up to all the time. I have thought about getting a divorce, but just afraid of being homeless and what he can do. I dont study the military laws so I dont want to expect to recieve support when I wont. Its not expensive to file for divorce you are right about that, but it is expensive to go back home near my parents and start over everything. THat is something I hhave been thinking of doing. Taking the kids away from their dad isnt something Id want to do to them. You have valid points and really that is exactly how I feel as well.

Tah - posted on 07/19/2011

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im glad you are in school, thats why i said if you aren't, i personally don't want a man i have to watch 24/7 because he can't be trusted to be elsewhere and then i have to let him do drugs to make him want to stay home with his family. If i have to subject my kids to nonsense then i won't compromise. I understand what its like to be too close to a situation, and you are, thats why im giving it to you without a sugar coating, its ridiculous. I guess i view love differently. To me love is ou wanting to be home with you and your family, keeping your phone on in case your pregnant wife needs you, not having to do drugs to stay home, not cheating several times, having trust in the other person and not having to compromise on things that you know are wrong to keep them..so if he loves you, i's hate to see it if it didn't. I don't advocate going and running to commands, but im different than alot of spouses in that respect, i dhouldn't have to go to your command to make you do right, if you don't want to do right..goodbye, its not that expensive to file for seperation and child support as well as spousal support. he can't abandon you to the streets so the housing would still be paid for. i always say please don't wonder why when your children grow up they choose the people they do, or get in situations they do when this is the example we set for them.

Me - posted on 07/19/2011

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I am not upset in the least bit. I post so that I can get advice and feedback from clear headed people that are not emotionally involved with him like I am. Sometimes my decisions are clouded by my attachment to him. Whether or not if it becomes legal or not I dont want him to do it, but I do feel that its better than having him out all night I have talked to him many times and its like he listens but doesnt change. I am tempted to go to his commad if things get out of hand I just want to know if that would be the right thing to do because that would also mean he could get kicked out then we lose our income overall. Its a different situation. I just dont know what to do

Tiffany - posted on 07/19/2011

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You're right it's your decision. However, drug use of any kind is problem. I work in pharmacy and know that the FDA is considring putting Spice on the controlled substances list. If it becomes illegal in your state would you still alow itin your home? You need to talk to him and ask him what is more important to his life, Spice or his family? And please don't get upset with the things that we are saying. We can only comment on the things that you tell us about.

Me - posted on 07/19/2011

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I never said I wasnt going to school, I have a my Associates in Psychology and working toward my Bachelors in Sociology trying to double up my classes so I can finish sooner. I am unable to get a job because im violently ill right now due to extreme 24/7 nausea since I am 5 mo pregnant. Those are the details of why I am situation which is why I am a sahm I dont choose to be one but right now I cannot go out and pay an are and a leg for daycare (have two kids) and work with my 24/7 nausea and go to school. I have had a job before I became ill but it wasnt sufficient. I do have a small savings to start the divorce process, but im unsure if I can actually go through with it. I Honestly am afraid to be alone with the kids and its actually terrifying to me. Im not gonna lie and say its not a scary situation I dont have family to fall back on or to come to my rescue. Also I do love him and he loves me as well. He smokes spice randomly usually on four day weekends. I know I shouldnt have to settle for this but im unsure of what to do... im kinda in between just want opinions and advice.

Tiffany - posted on 07/18/2011

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Well you either have a problem with it or you don't. And threats don't carry any weight if you never follow through. I'm also a stay at home mom, but I don't see why you can't go get a job if you want to leave him or start preparing to leave him. And your husband is wrong.The military does have the ability to test for spice. However when they give a urinalysis they don't always test for every drug. And when they get the samples from the unit they randomly pick which samples to test. However if you did tell his Command they would most likely take him to the hospital to have blood drawn and he would be tested for everything. And it also doesn't matter if it is legal in your state to use. It has been banned by the military so he cannot use it, which means he lied to you. And since you live in that house with your children you have complete control over what he does in it, whether he pays the bills or not. I honestly think you're afraid of being alone with children, but sometimes you have to stand your ground. What he's doing is wrong.

Me - posted on 07/18/2011

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Yes I have threatened him with everything. Since he got back from deployment in March this year he has been doing ok except for two seperate nights he claimed to have gotten drunk and couldnt drive so he slept in the barracks so he says.. during that time I cant ever get a hold of him. I have told him and even threatened to go to his command but at the same time I am a stay at home mom in which he is my only source or income my family is too far away to just pack my things and leave. He came up with the idea that if I am ok with him smoking or dont make a big deal he wont have to do it behind my back and he will just stay home all the time. Now at first I was like hell no!! But he conviced me to just see how things will go. So its more like a trial thing. I dont have control over what people do. I have tried everything. Once I have told his command that he was neglecting us and nothing really happened. I mean ultimatly I could divorce him over this, but thats putting the kids through more. And I still love him. By the way he told me that there is no drug test for spice so they cant really kick him out of the military it is also legal in this state. I think you have to be caught with it red handed or something which he is pretty smart about. I could tell his command but what do you think will happen? I am unsure really of what to do... I guess I am liking the fact that he is home and seems happy and its not as hurtful as him leaving all night..

Tah - posted on 07/18/2011

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I have a counter offer you can give him, tell him to answer his phone, keep it in his pants and show you and his kids some respect before you put your foot up his butt..both fist in his pockets and his clothes in a single ladies garage sale...don't be a fool. They do what you let them and at some point we need to take responsibility for how people treat us when we allow it...

Tah - posted on 07/18/2011

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WHAT!!!...so in order to have him where you can see him because you can't trust him farther than you can throw him and you obviously don't know your worth you conceded to allow him smoke the stuff that just got a bunch of service members put out because it's illegal by military standards???...really...I need to breath..be right back..

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