rules of marriage???

Tah - posted on 02/10/2011 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I was wondering, how many of us have a clear understanding of what is expected in our marriages? do we make our expectations known to our spouses?



do we sit down and talk about it?..for instance, don't let the sun beat you home..etc.



do we make it clear that certain things won't be tolerated or do we just jump in and hope for the best?



do we put up with more or make more excuses for our spouses because they are military and held as heroes??



is this a good or bad thing?



Do you think it's a good thing to talk about and set boundaries in our marriages before we say I do or to just take things as they come??

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Rosa - posted on 02/13/2011

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My gosh, it kills me to hear stories like that. I joined the military to have some experience, GI bill, and just prove I could do it. Once I got in and saw the dirt and just drama with these female n male/ married n single. I fall in love with my husband even more. He is always home and doesnt drink. The stupid things that use to bother me, just roll off my back now. But honestly, im worried more about these army bitches...lol. sorry, but its true. I've seen female going after married men hard, n the man is saying no. And they arent stopping and firting, which isnt that bad at home cuz the wife is there and he get to go home. But during a deployment when that person is there all the time for year, it has to be hard cuz everyone get lonely during deployment. I just have to pray and put God before and after everything we do.

Tah - posted on 02/13/2011

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Don't set your standards low so that he can meet them, set them high and make him meet them. Alot of times we as woman don't realize the power we have, as if we are scared to wield it..."if mama isn't happy noone is happy"..that is my motto. You have things he wants...dinner..laudry...sex., when you start making their world uncomfortable they tend to shape up in alot of cases, I think it's imperative we set high standards and lay out what we want and need, will and won't tolerate, you accept junk, they will keep giving you junk. I will become a mute born again virgin who can only seem to measure out enough dinner and laudry detergent for myself and the kids. We have power, use it. Im not talking about manipulating i am talking about knowing what we want and letting them know and not settling.

Tah - posted on 02/12/2011

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I'm okay with work keeping him out...well...I'll say I can understand that....not him going out for fun till dawn...

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I been married for 5 1/2 yrs. We been together for 10 yrs. We have rules.....we love and respect each other so we follow each other. It jus go back to the old sayin do unto others as you want them to do to you. U dont want me staying out late then you dont do it! Its pretty plain and simple treat ur spouse how you want to be treated. :) Love me like you wanna be love! We do some aruguing but i learned to love him and all his bad habits. If they are too bad i pray. lol And prayer works!!!!! A few years ago i was on my hubby about smoking. he said he didnt want to quit and he wasnt. He liked smoking! Wellll he has not smoked and about six months. :) It dont only work for the hubby. prayer works on the kids too.

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Darlyn - posted on 02/22/2011

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My hubby and I talks a lot about our marriage/relationship. We do have expectations from each other but we work together. When there are decisions to make, we make them together. If one does not approve then we weight the pro's and con's and go from there. If one of us did something that upset the other then we let each other know and we dont do it again.

Amanda - posted on 02/17/2011

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We are really straight foward. We have three basic no wiggle room rules....No cheating, No lying, and Open communication. That's it. Every problem or potential problem can be solved with those three rules. My husband and I are brutally honest with each other. If I really don't want to know the answer to something, I won't ask (If My butt looks fat in a pair of pants and ask him, he won't lie to me and tell me they don't.....Lmao). He gets no special consideration just because he is military. We have lived in good harmony for over five years just by those three rules. If I don't like something he's doing, I tell him and visa versa. We both respect each other enough to at least try to see that person's viewpoint. Other than that, we just tackle life as it comes at us ;)

Melissa - posted on 02/17/2011

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This is the second marrage for both of us. We discussed our expectations about everything before we decided to marry. We also sit down and discuss how we are doing/feeling every month now. We arent perfect, but we dont expect one another to be perfect. We do expect the other to come up with a resolution if there is a problem. And so far we have!

Tah - posted on 02/16/2011

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Exceptions for some things yes..for cheating and disrespect...I can't see it...

Jade - posted on 02/16/2011

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i think being a military wife, you just got to take it as it comes. dont take any bs but make the rules known, but understand there have to be exceptions sometimes

Tah - posted on 02/13/2011

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please there was a sgt who got his soldier pregnant on deployment, after telling his wife they should wait on kids..she got sent back saying she was going to have an abortion and then she never did. my friends husband, during one of his affairs, may have gotten someone pregnant but he won't tell his wife the girls name, he said he didnt know it, yet they were deployed together..so i asked her.."is she is the only soldier in the world whose name isn''t on her chest? and if he is sleeping around so much that he doesn't even know the girls names, then don't you think something has to give"...i noticed her drinking more, etc, all i can say is set some boundaries honey. I am just in shock with some of things that go on. I don't share my husband either i don't care what he needs, he better take a pic i send him and do what he gotta do with that...

Rosa - posted on 02/13/2011

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Its so funny, cuz my husband joke every anniversary that 1 more year off his lease in marriage. I told him after 60yrs he can be single again..lol. I was told my one of the 1st army wife I met, "I dont care if he cheat during deployment, men have needs. Women dont need it as much as men." I was so worried I had to sit down and clearify that Im not one of those female to share a damn husband. I work with all Engineers and I have to put down rules. Im deployed right now, and I know a SGT is sleeping with a Private only a few days before going home to his wife who is giving birth to her 1st child. They say im too private and act as if things are perfect. I just laugh, we know each other inside and out. Our main rule is-imagine that your spouse is doing it, and if it would make u mad then JUST DONT DO IT. Thank the Lord we both are home body people. But we still have to pray for strenght for each other, temptation is always close by.

Tah - posted on 02/13/2011

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my husband and I say the same thing..he tells people all the time, death do us part so she's staying for 70 years...Just in the 5 years i have been married to my husband and when hung out with his married friends before we were married i saw relationships that weren't for naught. I have seen his BF cheat, stay out all night, use my husband as an alibi and if this woman had any rules whatsoever, maybe he would not have done half the things he did. My friends and neighbors don't seem to have any rules. Husband's are allowed to cheat every deployment and then come back home to no repercussions, stay out all night, talk to her or they talk to each other with the greatest disrespect ever. My husband knows i am not one of his sailors and i know he is not one of my nurses/cna's etc and we don't talk to each other like we are. some things i would think can go without saying..but looking at alot marriages, apparently everything needs to be addressed.

Rosa - posted on 02/13/2011

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I think rules are what will make or break a marrriage. For instance, people think that because my husband and I say that divorce is not an option, unless there is adultery is weird. If we both dont agree on a person, they arent invited to our home, family or friends should never know what goes on in our home unless we both agree to share the information to others. Most of those rule comes from us both been dual military, we have seen many marriage go to hell because there is not a common ground. Many people look at us and think that everything is perfect, and we keep telling them its the rules we have. Marriage is two people, and our issuse should only be known by people we both know, trust and will be honest and want our marriage to work. I think that our marriage is strong and get stronger daily, because we know what makes the other happy.

Tah - posted on 02/13/2011

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hey every dynamic is different, my husband is a great guy, but if he started acting up i could never threaten him with not cleaning because thats what he loves to do..i do everything else..he only cooks if i have to work 3-11..which is rare or am asleep for a overnight shift..and i spoil him on those days and 9/10 times i throw dinner in the crock pot so when im sleep all he has to do is take the kids to karate down the road for an hour and then serve them dinner...lol...but you know your guy, so whatever it is that would get his attention..use it...lol

Elizabeth - posted on 02/13/2011

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That's funny because he's already supposed to do his own laundry, I want sex more than he does, and he is perfectly content making ramen noodles for dinner... I only do his laundry sometimes because his clothes explode around the room and I just can't stand having no floor.
Maybe you could talk to him for me, hahahahaha
But seriously, yeah, when he gets back from his deployment we will need to set some serious boundaries :) Thanks for the nudge.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/13/2011

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God knows we need to talk about those things!

We actually work things out for the most part but we've never really talked all that much about stuff before things happen. When we do my husband always commits to something and then takes it much further... story of our marriage. Give him and inch and he talks off running a mile, or not always running, sometimes it's a slow battle.

For example: When I was 37-38 weeks pregnant last January his friends came to visit Hawai'i where my hubs is stationed. They stayed with us and before they got there two things happened: my husband told me he was only going to go out one night. When I say go out I mean until like 04 or 05.
Also, my friend was going to surprise her husband on the mainland so I was going to be watching all three of her kids in her house for three nights. (When that arrangement was originally agreed upon we didn't know what weekend it was going to be, but I committed us to doing it as long as I hadn't had the baby).

Anyway, they all went out multiple times. The sad thing is that my husband didn't go out as much as his friends, but he still went out more than once. It got to the point where I told him if he was out drinking and I went into labor I was NOT going to call him. After that he promised to be DD when they went out one of the last nights. Guess what this man did? He drank 7 drinks on the boat they went out on at 1900... 7! Each of those drinks had AT LEAST 2 shots. He said he was going to be able to sober up to DD, yeah right even if he was good enough to drive his BAL would have been too high considering he didn't stop there. Needless to say they stayed down in Waikiki and I stayed with the three kids alone.

That was an extreme example, but it frustrates me that it always happens that way. Every time we talk about anything in advance it ends much differently. Obviously the ultimatum didn't phase him, even though I had practically gone into false labor the night before.

I hate being a nag and I feel like I have to set the limits really low so that he doesn't go as far as he could... what would anyone else do in this situation?

Just talking doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere... we went to marriage counseling and that just upset him.

He really is a great guy and loves me and our daughter, but it is really annoying to always have to reign him in and keep him from acting as if he still lives in the barracks.

Heather - posted on 02/12/2011

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My ubb and I Talked a lot about what we expected of each other, but we still eneded up surprised a lot right after we got married, there were just things we didn't expect or anticipate. And our Ideas have changed a bit over time so we have to re-address our "rules" periodically.
There do have to be certain concessions made for being in the military, perhaps his job doesn't allow him to come home before the sun. But that doesn't mean make excuses if he didn't call to tell you he wasn't coming home.

Tah - posted on 02/11/2011

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My husband and I talked about the things we liked and didn't like, would and would not accept, it makes for a easy going relationship when you don't have to worry about the other calling you names, coming in after they know they should have been home, their stance on divorce etc....I think it can only be a good thing and it keeps communication open..

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