Should i still go overseas even though he's been unfauthful?

Belinda - posted on 07/29/2009

Wow..If you truly think you two can work it out, then go. But...he has to realize that he has violated your trust and there is no telling when, if ever, he will truly get it back. He is going to have to tell you where he is going and who with for a LONG time. If he can't deal with that...well he should have thought of that before. And one last thing..."fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."

Susan - posted on 07/28/2009

First, I DON"T condone cheating...for any reason!! Okay, let's say you stay stateside, will that help anything? Will that make the situation better? No. If you say you want to work on the marriage then GO!!!! If you don't, you'll regret it. Your mind will always wander and you'll get more angry as time passes you by. You need to be with him. FIGHT for your marriage, even if it seems like he has checked out of the marriage, NEVER, EVER give up!! Even though infidelity causes A LOT of pain, sometimes it's a blessing in disguise and can actually strengthen the marriage. There's a reason he cheated and it needs to be addressed so you can work through it. It might seem like you are the only one trying to hold the marriage together, and it might be true but as long as you want the marriage to work, you might be the only one "working" on the marriage. My spouse has never cheated, as far as I know, but, we had a rocky marriage since the beginning. It took 9 LONG years for my marriage to FINALLY be one that I am proud of. I'm the only one who fought for it and it has paid off. I was treated like the scum on the bottom of the doormat but it was worth it to me. My marriage was worth it. I never gave up even though I wanted to because of a few different reasons: God HATES divorce is the main reason. My children, pride, and embarrassment were a few of the other reasons. I was never physically beaten but I was verbally and emotionally. Divorce is the last resort...period! My husband refused to go to counseling so I went by myself for awhile. It was nice talking to someone with an objective opinion. Even if you aren't a christian or believe in God, I recommend a christian counselor. I don't know how you feel religiously but God loves you and wants you to be happy. If you trust in Him, talk to him, cry to him, He Will give you peace. Jeremiah 29:11 is a good Bible passage look it up if you don't already know it. If my talking religion offends you, I'm sorry but I'm not apologizing for my belief. God truly is the ultimate healer. So I ask you, do you truly want your marriage to work??? If so, fight for it!! Fight for you, for your children, and for your husband! You have nothing to lose except for everything by not fighting. I too am an Army wife and being married to an Army guy is hard enough without all the other complications. I've been to Korea with my first 2 children (17 mos & 1 mo at the time) while my husband was stationed there. I liked it over there. I don't recommend you joining the military right now. Your not in a position to make a sound judgment-emotions might play a big role in your decision. You can always join at a later time. Good Luck to you!! I will be praying for you.

Francelin - posted on 07/17/2009

I totally agree with Jill Dreiling...



Go to counseling if you want to work out your marriage, but there is ultimately no excuse whatsoever for infidelity and there is certainly no one or any thing that can be blamed but himself.

Carissa - posted on 07/15/2009

I think you should go. You obviously want to work on your marriage and there is nothing you could do that would show your commitment more than going. I am getting ready to go to Korea to be with my husband and I think that it is vital to my marriage to go. I think it will be too hard to trust him if you do not get to see him everyday and talk to him face to face. Its too hard to know if someone is really genuine if you can't talk to them face to face. If he didn't want to make it work with you too, I am sure he wouldn't have told you the truth.

Amber - posted on 07/15/2009

Thank you all for your support and advice. Even though i do love him, i don't trust him. Marriage IS suppose to be forever and Jill you are right a tour is not. They can not expect just cause we their wives are not there that they can just find someone else to fill our shoes. And no they shouldn't expect forgiveness. I did do the sponsor thing and i'm wait for answer. I'll see how it goes while we're their if it works out great if not then at least i'll be able to say i've gone to korea. I know that if the roles were switched he would've dropped me then and there but because i'm not him and i think differently i'm scratching my head also. I'm doing this for my family. Our boys need both parents right now. (they are 2 and 7mo.) I wasn't going to join out of spite. But we were going to go korea at the time and i said i'd wait till we got back, but when i had found out i wasn't sure if i wanted to go or be with him so i was considering my options Figuring out what i was going to do to get on my feet if i was to divorce him. That's all. Right now i keep up to date. I usually talk to his superior officer if my husband says that he'll be at work late and i talk to him all the time.
I'm still cautious and suspicious but i can't help that right now. I don't ask him anymore questions. He's suppose to get tested and send me the results. I guess i do still love him and even though he's stabbed me in the back i will take him back. Atleast until he does it again which he has said he won't. Anyways i'll keep ya'll updated. Thanks again!

Jill - posted on 07/15/2009

oh i'm so frustrated by some of these responses. maybe i'm the one who's crazy, but blaming the country where people are stationed and accepting cheating as just part of being a military wife, all of it sounds funny to me. now you've all got me scratching my head. just because our husbands serve and are away from us, that gives them the right to have sex with others? and they get forgiveness? and in reality, marriage is, yes, supposed to be forever. a tour is not. if he can't keep in in his pants for that relatively short amount of time, how committed is he to the relationship to begin with? i'm not trying to be mean or attack anyone, i'm seriously wondering if i'm the crazy one.

Amy - posted on 07/15/2009

People can give advice but only you can make the decision. Just listen to your heart and pray about it. Do you still really love him and trust him? I hope everything works out for the best for you. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Kelly - posted on 07/15/2009

Quoting Sugin:

Praying for you, I say go! No marriage is perfect all have there faults, making a mistake can change a marriage for the better. With him know what he could lose has hit him right in the face. Its never wrong to try to save a marriage if both are going to work at it. You can earn trust back. Praying for you! I can say you are not a lone. Korea is the place were more military cheat than any place I know. Praying for you!

You are so right, Korea is a hotbed for cheating and many other things our soldiers should not be doing!! Unfortunately for me, I found out that Iraq can be just as bad. We're sitting at home worrying about our soldiers and doing the right things (at least, most of us are) and we get repaid for being "GOOD ARMY WIVES" with betrayal!  Hopefully, most realize just what they stand to lose and things can be worked out....I'm trying!

Kelly - posted on 07/15/2009

Sweetie, we can give you advice all day long but ultimately, only you can decide what's best for you and your family. I am 40 yrs old, have three kids and thought my marriage was wonderful. I found out in April, on our anniversary, that my husband was being a less than stellar man! He has betrayed our vows, my trust and our family. As well, whether they know it or not, they are risking their careers. You don't need to worry about his consequences but rather yourself and your emotional and physical well-being. I would not enlist out of spite, right now you shouldn't be making huge decisions out of emotion. Take some time for yourself first. If you opt to join him in Korea, he does have to be there 2 to 3 yrs and they typical require sponsorship. If you are approved, you can bring your children. I honestly think it may be an amazing experience for them to enjoy a different culture and learn even more diversity. If you go, it will enable you to talk face-to-face, which is certainly the best way to handle things. I agree, do not ask more questions than you think you can handle the answers to. I did just that and the more you know, the more it hurts! We're women, we want all the answers but they are not always what we need!! Consider contacting MilitaryOneSource for some counselling sessions and I would suggest you lay out a game plan with some "rules" for him. You can't make him do anything but if he wants your marriage and family too, he will step-up. I would ask him to go to counselling and even to separate himself from where ever she is located. For him, that may mean going to his command...too bad for him! If you opt not to go and to leave him, go to JAG and make sure you have yourself covered. The ARMY does not look upon infidelity lightly! Good luck to you hun.....keep us posted, if you want to!

Jill - posted on 07/13/2009

leave him. start over. be happy.

Kellidee - posted on 07/13/2009

I don't have an answer for your main question, but I will say this. Don't ask any questions that you know will haunt you with the answers.

Sugin - posted on 07/13/2009

Praying for you, I say go! No marriage is perfect all have there faults, making a mistake can change a marriage for the better. With him know what he could lose has hit him right in the face. Its never wrong to try to save a marriage if both are going to work at it. You can earn trust back. Praying for you! I can say you are not a lone. Korea is the place were more military cheat than any place I know. Praying for you!

Marcia - posted on 07/12/2009

I would really recommend going and trying to get him to understand that, while he has hurt you, you want to get therapy. If you can forgive and he wants to change, then GO for it! If you have the choice to be with him, working through it is much better than tearing a family apart.

Ronda - posted on 07/10/2009

Shall I say i have experince in this situation. My husband was in Korea 2 months before he told me he cheated on me. but he did not do it while he was in Korea. he was over there 2 years. I was there for one year of it. We actually just left there the end of june. I went over there because i could not trust him being there after he told me he had done this. Our marriage has become stronger and much better than it ever has been. We sat and talked about what he had done and i did ask questions. I had to, i could not just let it go. We got it all out in the open and it made him feel much better and made me realize things needed to change. I say go over there it may help in the marriage. He knows he made a mistake, it might help if you are together and being able to sit down and talk about it would help alot too. Over the computer and the phone just does not seem to help much.

Cori - posted on 07/10/2009

Ok, he has atleast a year left I would go, get face to face, they change so much while away and Korea is not like being in Iraq. its like being station in the states but with alittle more intensity. They have alot of freedom over there. I know your pissed girl and he needs to know that with his actions comes alot of questions that he just has to answer and get over. Trust will come YEARS after. He will need to know that as well. But with 2 little boys you need to make one last effort and if you didnt you will always wonder and that might drive you crazy later on. As for joining, you two will have to be stationed together to take care of the kids. But if you are seperated and join you and him will have to sign rights over to family or someone else that can take care of your kids. You can not be a single sloilder with dependants. Hope all of this helps alittle. GOOD LUCK!

Amber - posted on 07/10/2009

Thank you all for you advice and encouragement. They've proved quite helpful.

Valerie - posted on 07/10/2009

In my opinion, you should go. Your family is the most important, and if you and your hubby are gonna work it out, then you need to be together. I know from personal experience. I also know from personal experience that it is completely natural for you to be royally pissed off at him. But I promise you it will get better. Good luck.

Nicole - posted on 07/10/2009

Thanks for the new info Erika. I am definitely wary of Korea with all their drama that is starting. I forsee deployments starting for Korea instead of Iraq. The world is getting so angry and out of control!

Erika - posted on 07/10/2009

Nicole, korea has two stations, one in the DMZ and one further south that does allow families, now i dunno with N korea being a dumb ass has changed anything , it might have so def check into amber!

Nicole - posted on 07/10/2009

If you were to join and go to Korea, (to my understanding) that is a country where you can't bring family. So your two littles may have to stay stateside while you are on tour there. And Korea is a 3 year tour I believe. Going over to visit might be a better idea than enlisting to get stationed with him. The Army has good counseling resources that are available for both you and your husband. Military Onesourse is a 24 hour service. They have a website (www.militaryonesource.com) and a phone number 1-800-342-9647 they can help you both work on the marriage even from different countries. Good luck with your decisions!

Laurie - posted on 07/09/2009

That would be a personal question that only you could answer. Think about counseling. For you and for the two of you together. That is a big step. You will be in my prayers.

Erika - posted on 07/09/2009

well i would go, staying home isnt gonna help much but if your face to face and around each other everyday it will probably make the healing and fixing your issues easier, if you move suggest therapy for you guys so you can work it out better. I would go , and even if it doesnt work at least you can say you went to korea!