So confused.. husband is deployed and wants a divorce all of a sudden...

Brandie - posted on 12/31/2009 ( 93 moms have responded )

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My husband is active duty airforce and is deployed in Iraq right now. We have twin 2 yr old daughters. Everything was fine, we hadn't had a fight in a few months and everythign was going good. The 28th was my bday and he skyped with me, he even cried and said he just misses me so much and wants to come home.
The 29th we were chatting on the airforce instant messenger and all of a sudden he started saying how he thinks things should change adn started nitpicking random things from our entire 5 yrs together and saying how he's not himself anymore and wants to be himself. I don't understand any of it because all I know is that he has been incredibly happy. I tried to understand it and just go along with it bc he does tend to change his mind atleast once a day. We went ot bed that night agreeing things would change and we would work through it all when he gets home in March.
Yesterday, the 30th he decided he just wants to give up and that he thinks it would be easier for him to just get it overith and decided he sees all these single guys and just wants to do what he wants now. He said " I just dont think I'm good for a relationship or a marriage period. I don't want a family anymore, I don't want to have to take care of a family anymore." Obviously this has been breaking my heart and I am so confused and lost it is unreal. I've tried to talk to him about it and ask him to just please wait until he gets home so we can go to counseling or try to work it out and if it doesnt then fine we will get a divorce even though I don't want one because I do love him. He keeps saying he loves me but he doesnt know if he wants to wait that long to just see that it wont work out. It's only 2 more months until he comes home! This is so frustraiting. I talked to his parents about it and they say its just a phase and he will change his mind in a week or so, not to worry. This has never happened before and I have been completley blind sided and am lost at what to do. We are now taking a break for a couple of weeks so he can decide if " he wants to try to work it out when he gets home". He also said last night that maybe if I go back to my parents in Louisiana for awhile when he gets home so he can just live his life for ac ouple of months and see how it is for him and if he likes it or not and if not Ic an come back. But I don't think thats right for him to not even want to see me or his daugfhters when he gets home for even a week. No matter what I think I should stand my ground and stay here until he gets home.
I don't want to leave bc I don't want him putting it on me that I left if it comes down to a divorce. Should I inform the first shirt about this? Is it mandatory for us to do marriage counseling before a divorce in the military?? I need help bc I have no knowledge about any of this and I am completly lost and confused about why he would do this. Thanks

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Jan - posted on 12/31/2009

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I would say stay in the house!!! I don't know where u are for sure but I know in my state of Michigan the military man is protected by the military act and as long as he is deployed you can not divorce him...also I know that when my husband was gone he had alot of mixed feeling, he worried about if he got hurt he said he would not come back to us, also worried about me being in the states without him and told me to go on with my life which I didn't cause he was my life. I think he is just having the mixed feeling, Let him ramble Do not give him let him think you think it is okay for him to cheat or that you want out. Just tell him you love him and the girls do to. When he says he wants out just say oh! that lets him know you heard him but you are not saying you agree, or disagree... Don't beg just listen...keep your head up and know that it is just the heart ahce of being gone. Once he gets back and things are better then kick him in the butt and tell him don't you ever do that too me again!!!! I'll be praying for you and yours...

Hannah - posted on 12/31/2009

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From what you've said you are slipping. Agreeing to take the break while you're already apart has given him room to cheat. It sounds like thats what he wants. He's been around the single guys to much and they are rubbing off on him. You should stand your ground an fight! You have 2 daughters to think of. Not only do they look at you to guide them you also will be examples to thier future relationships. How you you are will effect them in the long run. It sounds like the sudden change could mean there is a coworker (female) that may also have rubbed off onto him and he wants to see what it maybe like. Who knows forsure with out confrunting him on it. Next time you chat take back the break, you're already appart I don't see how a break in your relationship is effective. It's too late on the family issue you have kids and regaurdles the Military will make sure they are taken care of. He will have to pay the support or they will doc his pay ta do it. You can't just decide you don't want a family no more thats just not right, I swear men like this make me so angery! I am sorry if I am showing this in my text, but to tell the truth I realy want to give him a what for! I hope I was able to help any, just remember its 2 months off and time can only tell. Just stand your gound and don't give him any leeway to weasle out of your family, its not right.

Amy - posted on 02/24/2011

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honestly, i have been through the same thing many times with my husband, when he was deployed, at schoos, and even home. with my husband, it was that all his friends were single soldiers and BAD influences. he would say he wanted a divorce after he went out with his friends, or he was cheating and most of the time it was when he got CAUGHT cheating. i have been with my husband for over 5 years, every time he goes away he disregards our "rules" (we don't have set rules, but he knows i don't like him going out to bars/ clubs and drinking without me) right now he's away at school- and we are fighting again, he's not cheating, or drinking, but our daughter and i are very last on his list, his friends come first. when he gets back he has a few days then he deploys...
just from my experiences it sounds like your husband either is cheating or really wants to cheat and live the "single life".. maybe he will come to his senses. if you reallly want to stay with him and work it out, then stick it out and try your best, that's all you can do. it will hurt.. are you on post or close to post? don't know what branch hes in but army has ACS and they have people there to talk to, counselors, and everything. if you want to talk to someone, it is confidential, and nothing will get shared with his command or anything. so if YOU want to go talk to someone you should.

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I say u go to Jag and get seperation paper. File for alimony and child support. I guarantee he will change his mind. Then dont go back after he changes his mind. Give him a break. Like a six month break. He will appreciate u and the kids then. Single life looks good but it dont feel good when u dont have a family to go home to at the end of the day. Me and my husband seperated for six months. He wanted a divorce. I filed for child support. He changed his mind, lol It feels good having a family. We he sees the money is no as good. No one will put up with a man but his wife! Every man should no that....if they dont then u have to show them. :)

A - posted on 05/12/2010

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Well, it's three months later and mine STILL wants a divorce--all I got was an email.
No phone call, no letter--lol!
(I laugh, but it's still painful, obviously!)
The really sad thing is the not knowing how you will TRULY deal with it all until they get back. I have accepted that the jerk wants to divorce after a 19-year relationship, but I just go back and forth on emotions. What a really sh*tty thing to do to your family while they wait on your butt to come home!
Everyone ALWAYS talks about the wives cheating and sending their "Dear Johns", but NO ONE ever discusses the "Dear Janes" that are home with children, taking care of EVERYTHING until they get back, because we CAN'T leave, or it's abandonment! ???

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Angela - posted on 02/23/2011

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I am really sorry that you have to go through this on top of the deployment. I think everyone has given you lots of advice already so I won't repeat what they've said.

(((HUGS)))

Dorothy - posted on 02/22/2011

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Mine is ORDERING me to leave RIGHT NOW, just "use the visa and leave", like that was actually possible right now, and after almost 18 years of marriage.

I'm finding it hard to hold onto hope, but this is giving me some. Thankyou. That and it reminds me that this attitude started when his headaches started, right when we found out we were coming to Ft Drum and he was going to be deployed. Still haven't heard from him, not a peep. But, I'm cleaning out my life, through the tears, and am going to make this house as stress free, and low responsibility as possible, because I'm not going anywhere, not after this long. And definitely not before he learns what the "party" side of his wife can do, not the grouchy, I have to take care of everything because you're always deployed/TAD/etc. side.

Feet on ground! Bayonets at the ready! CHAAAAARGE!
Ok, my moment of strength is gone now, I'm going to go cry on the phone to my mom some more. LOL

Sarah - posted on 01/26/2011

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My husband is deployed right now too. Just wanted you to know I am praying for you.
something I have learned in life...don't act out of hurt or anger or any emotion. I can't imagine how hard it would be to face my husband after going through what you have. Remember you love him and always come out of that place, not the hurt. Sounds like you are a strong women. your husband and girls are blessed to have you.

Tina - posted on 01/26/2011

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Sorry to say this but it actually sounds like he is seeing another woman. You leave your home with the girls to stay with your parents so that he can live alone? Boy needs to grow up into a man and realize he MARRIED you and had CHILDREN. A MAN does not just walk out on his family without an excellent reason. You say you were all happy and no fighting and all of a sudden he wants to be a single man. Sorry honey, doesn't work that way. I would not leave that house. I would stay and figure out what is going on with him. Seek your own counseling with the military chaplain. He/she will not only be able to help you with your needs but also will know some of the legal stuff surrounding military and divorce.
I am sorry this is happening to you but he is just flat wrong!

[deleted account]

STAY THERE! DO NOT LEAVE. Been there done that, don't do anything until he comes home, he obviously can't file for divorce while he is gone. He has been away from the family and is not connected with you or the girls, since he has been away. I think you both should go to counseling, he can discuss his wanting to leave too. He should know this even if he does leave he still has a family (the girls) and he still has to take care of them. Hopefully when he comes home and see's you and his family he will hit himself in the head and say "What was I thinking." (As my husband did.) Good luck to you and DO NOT LEAVE!

Kimberly - posted on 04/22/2010

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my husband has been switching his mind back & forth just like that....it started when he was deployed, started nitpicking & saying things needed to change and whatnot...then a few months later he was fine, now hes in japan and i rarely hear from him still and he says hes "having a hard time being a regular guy" again (which is BS cuz he can go out with the guys & drink & have a good time) all the while ignoring me like i dont matter. i think hes in the "single" mentality still (hes been overseas for 2 years, deployed during those 2 years) and now its 2 months until he comes back home & has to be a husband & a father again....now all we do is fight & im worried he wants to be single again....

Nichole - posted on 04/13/2010

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this sounds like a 2-8-2 issue ... in the states a female is a 2 ... deployed they become an 8 ... when they get back its back to the 2 status. one of my friends found out her hubby (also af) was doing the same thing, the only differance was evreyone there knew about it and neither one of them new that they were under investigation till she got back to the states and was given a no contact order, and was told about the investigation. i'm not sure what has happened in the past week since her hubby came back. but i know she has not given up and neither should you. stay strong it will be a hard road for all of you, you all shall be in my thoughts and prayers.

Kimberly - posted on 04/11/2010

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Yea it could be very hard. You just need to keep up the communication. And pray

Tah - posted on 04/09/2010

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she found him talking online to females, he said he sees how much fun the single guys have..no responsibility, I highly doubt it was about not wanting to lose her, its about what it is most of the time, young people get married, start having babies, (sometimes older) and then start to regret the choices they have made. I think its sad, but it is alot of the reason military marriages dont work.

Jessica - posted on 04/09/2010

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In all honesty, he's just scared of loosing you down the road. I almost didn't marry my husband for the same reason. Being in Iraq, I'm sure he's seeing a lot of other fathers and husbands who won't be able to go back to their families and he's thinking of how hurt their family members would be...he doesn't want his family to go through that, so this is his way of making sense of it all and "saving" his girls :). I know it doesn't make sense, war never does, but military families face more strains than normal marriages. I hope that you all come out of this stronger and more supportive of each other. -- My father, who is a retired AF officer, told me when I was first dating the man that became my husband, that "the military doesn't issue families." It was hard for me to understand, but some men can't be in the military and "be" in the military...they care too much about their family and feel like they aren't holding up their end of their duties. I don't know how much of this applies to how your husband feels...but I hope everything works out well :) - love and prayers ♥ Jessica

Tah - posted on 04/09/2010

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@quionna you have said the same things i have said basically, so must be something to it.

JESSINA - posted on 04/09/2010

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IM SO SORRY HUNNY. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MEN CAN BE SO SELFISH AND CHILDISH. I KNOW HOW YOUR FEELING ALL TO WELL. YES IT HURTS BUT GIRL IN MY SITUATION I JUST MOVED ON AND HE CAME CRAWLING BACK THEY ALL DO. IF I WAS YOU I WOULD STAY IN THE HOUSE KEEP IT AND TAKE HIM TO THE CLEANERS AND TAKE EVERY DIME HE HAS. AFTER ALL YOU DESERVE IT FOR HAVING TO EVEN PUT UP WITH THIS,

Quionna - posted on 04/09/2010

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You need to stay in that house too...contact the shirt...my mother in law is a retired Air Force Spouse that has been through things and has told me to tell you that you don't need to leave that house...make him leave..he can't put you out at all..I am never for contacting the shirt but in this case I am for it..I feel that your husband has another woman and is trying to put you out so that he can move her in..You have to be smarter. Another thing is he can't decide that he doesn't want to "support a family"...the military forces him to support you just as you supported him as a "wife"..You need to call the shirt, because that is the beginning of the process. Honey, you need a hug!!

Quionna - posted on 04/09/2010

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O God, I couldn't even finish reading your post..RUUUUNN..You don't want to teach your children that someone can go in and out as they please. Do you know your worth? If so, why are you allowing him to decide your children's future? Why are you allowing him to have space, when he has CLEARLY had plenty? What kind of man would put his children out of the house, so that he can "live alone" for a few months. This has gotten me very upset. I can't believe that he had the nerve to say those things to you. He can't love you as much as you think, to do you this way. IF he wants to be single, and doesn't want to take care of a family, then let him be single. Who says that? What type of man says that he no longer wants a family, as if they can vanish? Did he forget about the twins? Did he forget about the 5 year relationship? Even if you went to counseling, or gave him a break, u would never be able to forget this, and who wants to live a marriage on their "tip toes" not knowing when he will go through another "phase"? Honey, know your worth, and pick up your kids, and your things and say "to he!! with him"...I have a "no tolerance" rule when it comes to children. I was raised in a home like this, and it is not healthy. I know first hand what it does to the kids I never forgave my mother...she doesn't know her worth either..

[deleted account]

I did try and read most of your posts, and I'm not sure of the time line but.... Marriage, kids, Basic, and, a deployment in two years. Can we assume you've moved? Any way I would be confused too. It does suck that he decided he had to find himself while he was in another country. My husband did that by having three different cars last year, and now he says he wants to get a truck again, when he gets back. I know me, I know the decisions, and why I make them. I went from being single in WA to married with a child in NC in one year. Sometimes I wonder what happened.
He needs to just talk to some one it would be best to you, but obviously.... I would keep the papers and e-mails (not tell him about them) and if he wants to get a divorce after being home and after doing some counseling, them maybe you should think about it.

[deleted account]

Wait until he gets home to talk about it was the worst advice I got and he got from our friends. You need to talk whenever you the chance to, just keep the conversation neutral if you have to, no blaming or calling names when angry. I completely believe in second chances and am very glad that my husband realized how much he loved me and his children. No we're both in a depression, but at least we are both working towards a shared goal. Always look for the silver lining. I see that he is probably back now and I hope the very best for your family.

[deleted account]

It sounds like he already cheated, thats why the nitpicking over old stuff. Read the book His needs Her Needs, it has really helped my husband and I. There are other great books out there to help save your marriage, they work best if you both read them, thankfully my husband read all three books with me that we picked out together to help us. Cheating hurts like hell and it takes a long time to get through the pain of it but if you truly love someone and they want a second chance then it is worth the work you put into your relationship. Good luck and also, look for some inspiring and/or fun music to listen to. All my favorite songs seems like are about cheating or splitting up and we don't need to hear that over and over. LOL Also. This woman called my home while my husband was deployed and said she was an old friend from high school days and wanted to know if it was ok to contact him and send him care packages. I told her that was a great idea cause he was feeling so depressed over there. I was such a trusting dumbass. She told me she was married with five kids. She and my husband failed to tell me that she was in the middle of a divorce. I never believed in a million years he would cheat. They started talking via internet and they "fell in love" after finding every way under the sun to demonize me. I was a controlling bitch according to their emails. Which both sides of our family and all our friends find hysterical cause there was no bigger push over then me. NOt anymore though. ;) Just 4 days after my husbnd got home from deployment , She ended up flying to where we live and getting a hotel and calling him over even though he had told her that he wanted to work things out with me. She came to our house and pretended to be my friend. But I got that feeling that someting was up. Sure enough about two weeks after she left I got an anonymous tip on myspace and she had it posted all over her myspace. I have my marriage back and he totally hates the other woman cause he feels she used his depression to tell him all the wonderful things he wanted to hear "she would always love him and she would never hurt him". And he's angry at himself for being so weak. We both have a lot to get through still and its been 10 months.

Tah - posted on 04/07/2010

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sidebar to all who may think this is deployment stress, she posted this awhile ago and somehow the other replies were deleted, there were way more and in them she found out that he was he talking to other women ont he computer and wanted his freedom to pursue those things if memory serves me correctly.....I hope all is well with her because she does have twin girls to think about.

Jenn - posted on 04/07/2010

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btw depending on what state your in ... there are civilian laws if your house isn't on a military base... that enables you to keep the house because you will be the one retaining the children ... look into it .. sit down with a divorce lawyer and find out what you are entitled to and the details should it come down to it... at least be informed and prepared and tag to jag find out what rights you have through the airforce and what go from there and if it works when he comes home cool if not ... you've done your homework.

Jenn - posted on 04/07/2010

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i would talk to his chain of command and bring up the vast mood swings and everything have them watch him for a bit it may be the fact he needs a mental eval and something's wrong. i wish you the best of luck and i hope it works out but please realize at the age of 2... it's easier for your children to cope with the divorce should it end up in that situation. ... hopefully he'll pull his head out of his butt and get a grip if he doesn't all i have to say is what a loser.

Stephanie - posted on 04/06/2010

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I know a lot of military guys that this exact situation happens. If you're noticing that this isnt the only thing thats bugging your husband (maybe more deployment stress that he cant talk about is getting to him) I would bring it up to your FRG chain of command. If it gets bad enough...IE threatening divorse his chain of command can step in and find out if there's more going on with him. Maybe the deployment is stressing him out and he's become depressed. The great thing about getting his COC involved is they have a heads up incase something does happen. If he were to all of a sudden lash out at someone they would know that he's been understress....they can even push for him to go to counseling while deployed. Try try try not to take it personally. It's easy and normal for them to push loved ones away while deployed or shortly afterwards because if something were to happen to them it's "ok" because they werent getting along with you to begin with and they think it will hurt less. My husband was afraid this last deployment because he left when our son was 2wks old and he kept going on and on about how I deserved someone that would be there all the time for me to help with our son and to be a father that he couldnt be when he was gone....Try to put his mind at ease when it comes to that. Tell him that he is still their father even though he's not there right ow. They know who daddy is and they have a bond...they love daddy whether he's there to be hands on or is away and can only say I love yous.

Jacqueline - posted on 04/05/2010

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My husband pulled that exact same mess when he was statione at Ft Jackson SC waiting for the paperwork for us to go to Germany. He called me crying talking about how much he missed me and our 1month old son and couldnt wait until we were all back together again. And then all of a sudden he was tired of being with me, that i was just a retarded civilian that was slowing him down and he needed a break. We ended up at Ft Benning instead and I found out that he had gotten drunk and cheated and the woman had ended up pregnant. He was telling her that he was single and that they were going to be a family. Then I found out who she was and i told her that I was his wife and that he was lying to her. He told her that he was leaving me for her and everything else. Needless to say I told him that he had ruined our kids lives as well as mine and if he dares to think he is going out that door after everything he did that he will never see our 2 kids again (we have a 2yr old son and a 1yr old daughter. Our 1yr old is only 4 months younger than his son with the other girl,). Needless to say he cleaned up his act and has never said anything stupid out of his mouth like that again and he keeps his penis to himself and me at all times. So dont let him push you, he can be stupid over there but as soon as he come home it's back to the commonsense part of life. Let him be stupid and when he comes home let him know what is at stake

Carolyn - posted on 04/05/2010

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you usually grow apart during deployments then when he gets home you have to get to know each other again but you can't do it alone he has to be committed as well. It may also be that he's heard stories of other soldiers their wives cheating, cheating and cleaning out the bank accounts before they leave. Meanwhile you're here hearing stories of how easy it is for him to cheat over there. My husband was so paranoid while he was gone jealous about everything paranoid if I didn't write it was annoying at times I realized I was lucky he got like that instead of pulling away from me. My first thought was your husband was looking for an easy out an excuse to cheat, but maybe he just heard some of those stories and he's trying to pull away from you so that if you do cheat you won't know how much you hurt him. Cheating spouses is unfortunately commonplace not that it's more prevalent in the military I'm not sure if it is but you hear so many more stories about infidelity really bad ones and deployments make it worse. Hang in there maybe it's just him being afraid hopefully for your family's sake it's nothing worse than that. We military spouses have to stick together we have to be tough we have to be able to be on our own and be okay alone while they're gone. Then on top of it all we have to put up with them pulling away for whatever reason. It will work out one way or another and you are going to be okay. He's going to regret the way he's acted towards you and your children. I'll pray for you but know that you aren't alone. Most of us military wives have stories where they act all weird when they're deployed. You stay strong for yourself and your children. Good luck with everything.

Tah - posted on 03/25/2010

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I really feel for people who are going through this, i can't imagine the pain i would feel as i was packing my crap and moving on...not saying it's the best for everybody, i have a friend that is seperated now because her husband deployed to the air force and decided that he only loved their daughter, he treated like crap and even got a lawyer to expedite this divorce since in va you have to be seperated for a year, he didnt even come home when he got back he went to another state..she refuses to accept it, even now, they have been together over 10 years, she won't sign the paper and is holding out hope..i get that, but i dont believe you should allow anybody, no matter the stress they are under, to treat you like a second rate citizen, esp when you are having or have had their children.....Again I say pray about it, but i am queen of PLAN B..if you need to be lining up a job, putting some money away or taking some classes, then now is the time to do it....My friend was totally blindsided and if she had not gotten a job in a dr's office a few months before he came home, she would have been totally out in the cold when he came home and told her if she didn't move out of their apt he would change the accounts, not pay childcare...etc..so she had to get a apt and start paying her own car note, utilities etc..Some change their minds when they come home and that is great, some don't and that is sad..please just be prepared ladies...

Inez - posted on 03/24/2010

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i'm really am sorry what your going through. i do think you should wait and talk face to face, and if he feels he still wants it to end then you need to let it be. you shouldn't have to beg a man to love you or be with you. i understand you have kids, but if he has cheated on you then he didn't just cheat on you but he cheated on his family. you have to be strong for your girls and let them know it's not ok to be treated like that. plus you never want him to be mean to the girls if he's saying he doesn't want a family. i know it's hard and you love him. but love can only go so far. but i do hope everything works out for you

Courtney - posted on 03/24/2010

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Sounds like the same thing that happened to me while my husband was at MOS. I was even pregnant at the time with our first child. I contacted the chaplain to talk to them about what I should do. He said it's common for military men to do things like this when they are away from their spouses. It's something about the mindset the get in. He told me to not do anything but not to contact or speak to my spouse at all unless it dealt with my pregnancy or financial etc. He also told me to give it a little while when he gets home. He came home for a week and a half, by the end of it my husband was back to the way it was before. Just don't stress yourself out or waste energy fighting or talking about it. That's the best adivice I can give. If he still loves you it'll change when he spends some time with you again.

Michelle - posted on 03/23/2010

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hun, i am guessing the deployment is over or just about over... but anyway, i got pregnant 4 months before my husband deployed and we had our issues as well. it's just cause they are over there. my husband has many issues that he really needs to work out still and he has been home for 7 months now. he left the us without a baby and came home to a major responsibility. but he is finally starting to get the hang of it. once your husbands spends about a month with family once again, things will slowly go back to how they were when he left. just be patient and let him know how you are feeling. and try to get him to express his feelings to you. it may take awhile but don't try to rush it.

A - posted on 03/23/2010

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My husband has just done the same exact thing. He refuses to contact me or my son anymore, after sending an email saying he is considering divorce, after three months during his/our first deployment. He is an officer, but we are fairly new to the military as well. We have been together for 19 years total, married almost 11. I am devastated; his son is devastated, and the Good Lord knows I don't know *what* to do!!!

Brandie - posted on 01/12/2010

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I'm just trying to get my stuff together for when he comes home so we can get a divorce. I love him so much but now I have lost a lot of that love and respect and trust for him. The girl went to tech school with him and she added me on facebook back in april. So she knew he was married with kids. There were a few guys that went to talk to him with the shirt and one of them emailed me and told me what they said and what he said. They told him he needs to grow up take care of his responsibilities and he's being a dumbass. They said he isn't being what the airforce wants or needs and he needs to straighten out and he can't back out on stuff. He has already told me he is talking to other girls but just in conversation and nothing more than friends. I'm not saying I believe him or I don't believe him but I have no proof on that. I am staying in this house because it is OUR house and I will be here when he gets home to face. Whether he tries to work it out or not I will be here. I am trying to not get too depressed and trying to let go and just hold myself to gether for my girls. I have looked up divorce laws for the state and military so I can be very knowledgeable about it all instead of letting him walk all over me. He has said he wasn't paying child support and just wanted to give me 100 bucks a month for each child. WHATEVER... That is not going to happen and I won't let it happen. He did want me and did want our children at one point in his life and he will have to pay up until they are 18. I'm not trying to ruin his career but I don't deserve to be treated like this also. I really do think he is just trying to string me along until he gets home and so he doesnt feel bad when he does talk to those girls and hears I love you and I miss you so much from me and our daughters but I don't really care. I do love him and I do miss him so I will tell him and remind him that everyday. If he is trying to string me along well he has another thing coming for him when we do the divorce bc I will be prepared and I have alll his little statements of him talking to other women, not wanting to pay child support, saying how he doesnt want to work this out bc he just wants to be single, how he doesnt care about his daughters and could care less if he ever saw them again.. i have them all printed out and ready for court. I also have the emails he sent to that girl and another girl just messaged me last night on facebook asking if i was married to him.. I'm trying to stay strong and keep my head up. I just am ready for this deployment to be over so he can come home and we can get a divorce and I can move back where my family lives. Thanks for the support and the help and the prayers everyone!!

Tah - posted on 01/11/2010

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brandie..i am so sorry..i hate to be right but like i said if it sounded like ptsd than thats one thing...but it's him wanting to see other people without having to hear a constant, i love you daddy, i love you baby to make him feel guilty..he is treating you like well what you said(trying to not cuss for 2010)..sometimes when your in it you can't see it for what it is. i am sorry i am a straight shooter because i want nothing but that from others, so you need to ask yourself some questions...are you happy?..why isn't his deployment enough of a break?..i mean he comes back soon so if absence was making the heart fonder it would have kicked in already...where did this girl find you at? i think his command talked to him but who knows what they say...like my husbands ex called his command and said he wasn't taking care of his son, lies...but on the phone they made it seem like he was in a world of trouble to her and they would talk to him and gethim straight...but when he got in the office they said look..we have all had baby momma drama...then proceeded to laugh with him about their drama and then they said hey to make it look good bring in all the receipts since she moved out of the home 2 months ago but we know you...he brought in the box of receipts because we were in the process of getting him on voluntary child support and they didn't even look at them...i mean she was wrong but i'm telling you what the command says to you and then the servicemember are 2 different things...back to the questions..Can you trust him kowing now with proof in black and white that he is having a emotional affair?..Do you think this is the only girl?...If she had not told you, would he? what if he says he wants to work it out as a bandaid for a couple months, do you want to have to constantly wonder if he will change his mind or who he is talking to behind your back?....I really am sorry to hear this, but you have 2 girls to think about and you want to set a good example, i wish you the best no matter what he decides, because it seems you are allowing him to decide your fate for you...

Brandie - posted on 01/11/2010

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I'm trying to stick with it and I'm trying to give him distance and maybe " distance makes the heart grow fonder" i dont know.. He's said he wants to work it out when he gets home and make our marriage work but then i get this phone call from this girl saying he has been emailing her and shes sending me the emails and i am printing them out. He has told her he is getting a divorce and he wants to meet up with her. She's engaged and she told him she was happy with her man and she doesn't want a loser who walks out on his family. I want to work it out and try and I hope he is telling the truth and does want to work it out with me but then again I'm so hurt that I just want to give up and get on with my life. I'm a very strong person and I can deal with it but he doesn't have to treat me like shit. But thats ok when he gets home in March we will see where it goes and if he doesnt try we will get a divorce and he will have to pay child support and deal with his command chain.

Heather - posted on 01/10/2010

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I have been with my husband for 8 years. What I hear you describing is what I heard after my husband's first and second deployment to Iraq. He suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. With my husband, he would go through this "cycle" and what it came down to was he felt he had changed. He felt we (me and the kids) would be better off without him. He wasn't doing it to be selfish and run around, but that he felt he wasn't a good person anymore and we didn't deserve him. Stick with it and don't give up! I didn't and our relationship is stronger than ever.

Tah - posted on 01/10/2010

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real talk..it probably bothers him to hear it because it makes him fel guilty about whatever he's doing...if he needed a breeak that comes before the wife and kids..i mean he's deployed and away from you guys...what more of a break does he want..i hope it works out also. I mean it hurts most any man to know their wife is bearing the brunt of the responsibility but they don't ask for a divorce or space...they ask for that when they want to do what they want to do and not have to answer to anybody and not have to worry about command punishment..i wish you the best with this..

Brandie - posted on 01/10/2010

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He has now decided he does want to work it out but needs space right now- not talking so much. He says it hurts him too much to nkow that I'm here doing everything and everythign he is supposed to be doing.. He said it hurts to hear that we love him and miss him. So we are only skypeing twice a week- on his half days and he will send me an email saying he's alive and he loves us once a day. Other than that, no contact which is hard for me to handle but I guess I rather that than pushing him too much. I hope when he does get home he will want to work on our marriage and hopefully everything will work out great. 2 more months then he's home.. I just can't wait!

Kimberly - posted on 01/08/2010

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my husband just pulled the same stuff pretty much. he was deployed for 9 months when he decided it was not working and was not what he wanted anymore. this was in october 3 days before my birthday when he said he wanted the divorce. he returned from deployment and got back into the groove of everyday life and came home on leave on dec 17th and saw our daughter and me. that is when he realized that he had made a mistake and realized what he really wanted was us and sometimes war confuses people. That is what happened with my husband and I atleast. My advice would be to prepare yourself financially to be on your own for your daughters and yourself and see how things go when he comes back from deployment.

Stephanie - posted on 01/07/2010

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I second some of the other ladies. there is no such thing as a break in a marriage. that's crap. I think he may be cheating...

Christina - posted on 01/07/2010

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I'm new to this so bear with me. I am a Navy wife of 14 years. I found out my husband was cheating on me for at least a year and had no idea there were any problems. I blamed myself to the point of attempting suicide to just make it end. I am the mom of 2 girls. I spent 10 days at an inpatient facility and intensive therapy - this was the best thing to ever happen to me. I now see a therapist - which I would recommend to you - he has helped me sort through all the garbage. Tri care covers it and you don't have to pay a dime. Also Fleet and Family support center or One Source usually have their own counselors who are very helpful. I've known my husband for almost 20 years. Don't be a victim and don't let him blame you for the wrong things he is doing or about to do. My prayers are with you and your family - this is difficult. I have decided I want a divorce. My husband still goes back and forth - but I refuse to put my life off any more than I have to. It will take at least 2 years for us because based on where we live there are 8 mandatory classes we have to take prior to filing. I am in the house with the girls and he has an unaccompanied tour in another state. Now that he has all the space he is looking for he's not sure if he wants it. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Mariage counseling is not required to file, but is a good idea. Good luck to you.

Jacqueline - posted on 01/07/2010

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My husband is AF and we just got through his first deployment. While he was gone he started smoking and acting strange. It turned out that all of the holidays and stuff that had passed bothered him. He missed my birthday, our anniversary, mothers day, fathers day, most of a pregnancy and so much more. It was really bothering him that I was alone and dealing with everything (drama from his family mostly) and he wasn't here to help me. It's hard on them to be away from there family especially if they miss something like holidays. As far as him missing Christmas and all that I would set up the tree and celebrate Christmas again when he gets back. In a sense, save the holiday for him. It may help him feel as if he missed less. Also, definately make sure you have some time alone with him to get reaquainted and talk. I suggest that you have someone watch your girls for a couple of days and if you can afford it get a motel room that way someone else is cleaning up and you have more time for the two of you.

I doubt that he is looking to cheat but he is probably seeing that all the single guys aren't stressing as much because they aren't worrying about their families back home but may not be thinking beyond the now. The single guys may not be stressing family matters now but they also don't have someone to come home to later.

Just hang in there and know everything will turn out. Stress causes alot of reactions.

As for making it through the deployment immerse yourself in getting things ready for his return and your preparing your daughters for daddy coming home. If you need some more help dealing with it find someone to talk to that is impartial and highly supportive.

Valencia - posted on 01/07/2010

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Hey Brandie!
I just wanted to say Stay strong! This is my husbands 4th tour to Iraq, and he's only 25 years old. Being overseas changes them, and its very hard on a marriage. You cant give up the fight, if its truly worth it to stay in the marriage, then you have to do all that you can to make it work. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts! Hope this new year goes a little better for you!

Kristi - posted on 01/07/2010

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First off I would like to let you know that it is super hard to do a divorce while a spouse is over seas the military kind of forbids it... My Husband kind of went threw this as well but he did it after he got home, he was super depressed after he came home on R&R and missed me and my daughter so much that he is still working threw his depression. I hope everything works out for you but let him know that even if he doesnt want a family he will always have one and he will have to support you no matter what so if thats the big reason thats not a good one... I would suggest seeing the chaplin at your base they can normally see you any time and you can actually go before your husband gets home and he / she will tell you your options in the matter and help you out. Good Luck and i hope everything works out for you.

Jennifer - posted on 01/06/2010

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So sorry to hear about your situation. Be assured the military will ensure you are taken care of. Also, my husband says you should call up the first shirt. This could be signs of trouble. Not to mention, cheating is not allowed under military rules. He can be discharged for cheating. Explain to him that as much as he wants to be family free, it cannot happen. Maybe skip your next chat, give him time to think. I highly recommend the book Help Meet. Has great suggestions for keeping your man away from temptations. Be strong and use the resources on base. They are there to help spouses. This includes the Airman and Family Readiness Center. If you need anyone to chat with, feel free to contact me.

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I dont think yall allowed to get divorce why he is deployed and way i see it is he has been hanging with the single guys to much or either the stress is getting to him real bad. I have been worried my husband will do that to me when he deploys. when he was pcsing to where we are located he was up here for 4 months before i got to come because of all paper work and out of no where one day he called me and told me he didnt love me anymore and hadnt for few months and he didnt know who he was anymore and we went a whole month with out talking and i was so confussed because i had a 6 month old and was 4 months preg. i called him like twice in whole tym period just let know how preg was and who our other was. anyways it had been a month when he called and told me he was sorry and that he lied that he had always loved me and that he never realized how important i was and tht it was just stress and all the other guys. Anyways just give him time.

Brandie - posted on 01/06/2010

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He had to talk to the shirt and some other men up in the command chain.. I think they got through to him but time will only tell. Only two months until he gets home, hopefully he does try to work it out with me. I still don't have a clue why he would do this. I hope it works out but I will always have a trust issue about this now. And no I don't want to push him to make this work but I think he should atleast try. It's either I'm staying here to work it out with my husband and hopefully an even stronger marriage comes out of this or i'm staying here until we divorce. Either way I know that I love him and I know that my children love him and although he has broken my heart in a million ways, I am willing to try. I miss him so much..

Whitney - posted on 01/06/2010

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Hi, Brandie sorry this has happened to you. It really sounds like PTSD to me! My husband is in the Navy has been for 8 years now..and he deployed to Iraq the year that we got married...he didn't do anything like this to me, but he and one of his really good buddies have admitted to having symptoms of PTSD. It really messes with their heads...makes them say things that they don't mean. So he's probably just really stressed and takes it out on you. He probably won't admit to having PTSD, because it can mess with his career, but hang in there...May God Bless ya'll!! I will keep praying for you and your family!

Kim - posted on 01/05/2010

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Brandie I am so proud of you. As far as I can see you are handling this great. I know there is nothing great about it but as, Ashley said above, I too have been reading this post for days. I'm just so happy you see what's important to you. You are such a strong person and I hope you know it. You truely are a great military wife! Don't ever forget that!

Ashley - posted on 01/05/2010

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hey ok i have been reading this post for days now.. my husband has tried to move out LOTS.. but the last time and everytime i let him go.. but it he always comes back as the stupid things in life that some men go through.. like porn is better then anyone then they find out how stupid they really are*they don't say that tho*, then the single men making them think single life is better then having a wife.. then the stress at work that mess with your marriage been here done all of this!! my husband is only 23 we got married at 18 and we are on our 4th child.. it has taken ALOT from me.. but in time it has gotten better it takes some men ALOT of time to grow up it is really what you can take emotionally.. i have done all this but if cheating ever came into this marriage it would be over!! i told him that right up front i have heard the i want a divorce crap also.. stand your ground!! and know that what he is going through is taking a toll on him.. when my husband went to basic.. before they changed everything and got stress cards.. he really took it out on me.. even through school.. and he sat me down one day and said he didnt' know why he was doing it that its been so stressful that i'm the only one he talks to.. because remember one thing said wrong to the wrong person can get him in the wrong place and soo as of right now it sounds like he is taking it out on you.. please take one day at a time.. because it takes alot to be there for a man that don't know how to handle what is going on around him.. because alot of it he can't tell you.. hang in there and if you need anyone to talk to i'm here.. and know this has NOTHING to do with you..

Brandie - posted on 01/05/2010

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he called me today and broke down saying it was stress and the only one he could push away and hurt was me bc im the only one he ever talks to bc he hates everyone he works with.. i think we have serious issues to work on now especially when he gets home. he does know that im not gonna let him fuck me over bc he has to go talk to the shirt there tomorrow and he realized after paying child support and bills he wont have hardly anymoney to pay for an apt so he would have to live in the dorms.. too bad for him- no matter what happens i will be here when he gets home bc i am his wife and i do support him- he has hurt me very badly but if he is willing to do counseling and work on our marriage then so am i but if not then we will get a divorce and he will regret losing me and his daughters

Allison - posted on 01/05/2010

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Its nice to know that I am not alone in this either. YOu feel like your whole world is crashing around you and you are powerless to stop it. Everyday seems to be a struggle....just as I'm sure it is for Brandie. I feel often times I have been backed into a corner and I am fighting like hell to get out. The confusion I feel is completely unbearable some days. Nights are worse.....I lay there in bed just staring at the ceiling....looking over at the pillow next to me and wondering if I will ever see my husbands face there again. It seems the harder I fight the more he pulls away.....but the funny thing is I love him more and more each day. Deep down I feel there is something bigger here....something within him that is tearing him up inside...and really what kind of wife would I be if I just abandoned my husband....granted he isnt completely doing that....but I believe in marriage. I know what it stands for and I know what we are capable of together and that is what gets me through my days.....

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