So confused.. husband is deployed and wants a divorce all of a sudden...

Brandie - posted on 12/31/2009 ( 93 moms have responded )

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My husband is active duty airforce and is deployed in Iraq right now. We have twin 2 yr old daughters. Everything was fine, we hadn't had a fight in a few months and everythign was going good. The 28th was my bday and he skyped with me, he even cried and said he just misses me so much and wants to come home.
The 29th we were chatting on the airforce instant messenger and all of a sudden he started saying how he thinks things should change adn started nitpicking random things from our entire 5 yrs together and saying how he's not himself anymore and wants to be himself. I don't understand any of it because all I know is that he has been incredibly happy. I tried to understand it and just go along with it bc he does tend to change his mind atleast once a day. We went ot bed that night agreeing things would change and we would work through it all when he gets home in March.
Yesterday, the 30th he decided he just wants to give up and that he thinks it would be easier for him to just get it overith and decided he sees all these single guys and just wants to do what he wants now. He said " I just dont think I'm good for a relationship or a marriage period. I don't want a family anymore, I don't want to have to take care of a family anymore." Obviously this has been breaking my heart and I am so confused and lost it is unreal. I've tried to talk to him about it and ask him to just please wait until he gets home so we can go to counseling or try to work it out and if it doesnt then fine we will get a divorce even though I don't want one because I do love him. He keeps saying he loves me but he doesnt know if he wants to wait that long to just see that it wont work out. It's only 2 more months until he comes home! This is so frustraiting. I talked to his parents about it and they say its just a phase and he will change his mind in a week or so, not to worry. This has never happened before and I have been completley blind sided and am lost at what to do. We are now taking a break for a couple of weeks so he can decide if " he wants to try to work it out when he gets home". He also said last night that maybe if I go back to my parents in Louisiana for awhile when he gets home so he can just live his life for ac ouple of months and see how it is for him and if he likes it or not and if not Ic an come back. But I don't think thats right for him to not even want to see me or his daugfhters when he gets home for even a week. No matter what I think I should stand my ground and stay here until he gets home.
I don't want to leave bc I don't want him putting it on me that I left if it comes down to a divorce. Should I inform the first shirt about this? Is it mandatory for us to do marriage counseling before a divorce in the military?? I need help bc I have no knowledge about any of this and I am completly lost and confused about why he would do this. Thanks

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Ashley - posted on 01/05/2010

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hey ok i have been reading this post for days now.. my husband has tried to move out LOTS.. but the last time and everytime i let him go.. but it he always comes back as the stupid things in life that some men go through.. like porn is better then anyone then they find out how stupid they really are*they don't say that tho*, then the single men making them think single life is better then having a wife.. then the stress at work that mess with your marriage been here done all of this!! my husband is only 23 we got married at 18 and we are on our 4th child.. it has taken ALOT from me.. but in time it has gotten better it takes some men ALOT of time to grow up it is really what you can take emotionally.. i have done all this but if cheating ever came into this marriage it would be over!! i told him that right up front i have heard the i want a divorce crap also.. stand your ground!! and know that what he is going through is taking a toll on him.. when my husband went to basic.. before they changed everything and got stress cards.. he really took it out on me.. even through school.. and he sat me down one day and said he didnt' know why he was doing it that its been so stressful that i'm the only one he talks to.. because remember one thing said wrong to the wrong person can get him in the wrong place and soo as of right now it sounds like he is taking it out on you.. please take one day at a time.. because it takes alot to be there for a man that don't know how to handle what is going on around him.. because alot of it he can't tell you.. hang in there and if you need anyone to talk to i'm here.. and know this has NOTHING to do with you..

Brandie - posted on 01/05/2010

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he called me today and broke down saying it was stress and the only one he could push away and hurt was me bc im the only one he ever talks to bc he hates everyone he works with.. i think we have serious issues to work on now especially when he gets home. he does know that im not gonna let him fuck me over bc he has to go talk to the shirt there tomorrow and he realized after paying child support and bills he wont have hardly anymoney to pay for an apt so he would have to live in the dorms.. too bad for him- no matter what happens i will be here when he gets home bc i am his wife and i do support him- he has hurt me very badly but if he is willing to do counseling and work on our marriage then so am i but if not then we will get a divorce and he will regret losing me and his daughters

Allison - posted on 01/05/2010

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Its nice to know that I am not alone in this either. YOu feel like your whole world is crashing around you and you are powerless to stop it. Everyday seems to be a struggle....just as I'm sure it is for Brandie. I feel often times I have been backed into a corner and I am fighting like hell to get out. The confusion I feel is completely unbearable some days. Nights are worse.....I lay there in bed just staring at the ceiling....looking over at the pillow next to me and wondering if I will ever see my husbands face there again. It seems the harder I fight the more he pulls away.....but the funny thing is I love him more and more each day. Deep down I feel there is something bigger here....something within him that is tearing him up inside...and really what kind of wife would I be if I just abandoned my husband....granted he isnt completely doing that....but I believe in marriage. I know what it stands for and I know what we are capable of together and that is what gets me through my days.....

Auri - posted on 01/05/2010

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my husband went through the phase of wanting to be himself again and said ive changed him and we were only going into our 1st yr of marriage with a newborn. who was born a month before he got deployed. my husband never talked about divorce but saying he didnt know what he wanted anymore practically said it, itself. he broke down at work in iraq after reading an email i sent him and he was sent to a preacher so he could talk to someone. i think you should ask your husband to talk to a preacher, my husband did and it was a complete change for the better. dont leave to give him time to have fun and be single. stay and maybe he will be happy to see u and his kids. it could be the stress from over there. i wish you the best, no one deserves this especially when you are waiting for him and doing everything you have to do back state side.

Kim - posted on 01/05/2010

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By the way I don't think it's up to the military to allow or not allow a divorce. They don't have any say in your personal life. It's up to the court systems to deside that. I may be wrong but that's just my understanding of the military.

Tah - posted on 01/04/2010

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cori is right and its selfish married guys also..my husband has actually been teased by married guys and told he doesn't like to have fun because he didn't want a hooker or to get with a chick on the ship. he told them call it what you want but i ain't getting chopped in my throat by my wife for something i get at home anyway....i mean it is bad and you just have to pray and set boundaries...i mean it was so bad on his ship that one of the guys told his wife in confidence about a married guy cgeating and his wife found the cheaters wife on fb and told her now the guy is labeled a snitch..its like a club and the chiefs and officers do it too..it's like your doing it or you know who is but you don't tell....and hope the guy doesnt bring his wife the hebbie gebbies or stress her out after he falls in love with suzy slutbag and leaves his family for her....its sad...i say prepare to let him sleep in the bed he's trying to make...your in a better position than alot of wives and you can't make him want what he doesnt want..don't let him jerk you and the children around and don't let the girls think its ok....praying for you...

Cori - posted on 01/04/2010

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the active duty SINGLE men are alone the worst infulences on our (usually) wonderful husbands. and it only gets worse on deployments. fortunately my husband is so loyal and dependable but we have watched many many many couples fight endlessly and end up divorced because of the influence they get from their single friends. the single guys just want them to go out and party and do whatever they want and dont care or care to understand that these married men have wives and children that are more important than drinks bars or video games! sometimes i wish they could just keep them separated married men work this shift, single guys work that shift. lol... yeah right!

Kim - posted on 01/04/2010

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I know it's hard but do you really want to live your life like this? I say give him the divorce and you and your twins start a new life. If he wants to be a part of it then he's going to have to earn it. You don't need a husband like that. It's like playing tag, once you stop chasing him he'll turn around and start chasing you. If he tells you he wants a divorce say "Ok I'll have the paperwork ready for you as soon as you step off the plane. I'll pack you a dufflebag with cloths and what not. The kids and I are going to stay at the house until this is over with. You can do to the barracks. Child support is at least $750 a month. Until we get our custody worked out through a court our kids are not to leave the county." See how he reacts to that. You have so much going for you with your degree and license that you can make it without him. Don't let him hold you down.

Tah - posted on 01/04/2010

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i know its hard and this happens more than you know. i figured he was there and being influenced to cheat and just seeing the other single guys doing whatever they want to do. and the deployed women know exactly what they are doing when they go to these husbands and that is the situation a lot of times. I am glad you said you have your degree and something to fall back on because what he is doing is not right and it is hurtful and selfish and if he is doing this then what else can he do. he is not considereing his daughters or your feelings or futures, just what he wants and that is of course a big problem, My mom always said a guy will frive you crazy if you let him, don't let him. Just start preparing yourself. as i said in my last post, you want someone who knows they want to be with you and if he says ot's okay now then what about tommorrow and the day after, that's not a question you should have hanging over your head....best wishes and remember to pray...

Brandie - posted on 01/04/2010

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I completley agree Allison. I am so lost at this and my husband says that " in may i am going to michigan and i am going to take the girls with me to see my family" .. um no- he has never been more than an hour without me taking care of our daughters- he has not ever cooked a meal himself- ever in his life.. how could i allow that to happen?? he is being completley ignorant and horrible to me. he will barely talk to me and all he says is he wants a divorce bc he wants to be single.. im so compeletly stressed out

Allison - posted on 01/04/2010

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Oh heavens.....well let me begin by saying Hello! I am new to this site....but I have been desperately looking for answer myself. My husband is deployed to Osan, Korea. He has been gone since March. On Nov 3, 2009 (his birthday) he tells me he wants a divorce. This comes after he has just told me how much he loves me....how "first and foremost I am his wife, I hold the key that unlocks his door and keeps him sane..." I feel completely helpless. I have tried to reason with him but all he does is go against me. We have a 4 year old and a 10 month old. Yes he hasnt seen our daughter in 9 months. He has seen an attorney to get a PSA drafted up. Of course, it is full of lies. He actually said that March 28, 2009 was when both parties agreed that divorce was imminent and we would be separated. Yeah....didnt agree to that. He had the nerve to tell me the other day that if he comes home for our daughters birthday in Feb. then I need to stay at my parents house....this to me was just heartbreaking. It was worse than asking for a divorce. He cannot and will not face me. He will not seek counseling...he feels it will not fix anything. He told me our marriage was "okay" but he always wanted more.....I am really at a loss....where do I go from here?

Brandie - posted on 01/04/2010

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im going insane!!!! he has been talking to other women- he doesnt want to see me or our daughters when he comes home- he says he doesnt want a family.. i think he has gone insane- he cant just go back on us in a blink of an eye

Patty - posted on 01/03/2010

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I'm sorry to hear that you're having to go through this. Unfortunately, I think this happens quite a bit...



The same thing happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. It turned out that her husband had "fallen in love" with someone while he was there. They divorced and he lost his family so he could "move on with his life" with this new person, but it didn't last.



I certainly hope that your husband comes to his senses before things are said and done that can never be taken back. I'll pray for you.

Heather - posted on 01/03/2010

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Quoting Brandie:

I figured it would be enough space already since his is on the other side of the world. If we get a divorce I don't think I could take him back. Only because he's not wanting to get help, not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to work it out. If he would put a little bit of effort we would go a long way. remember this blind sided me- we were doing fine not fighting not arguing being actually happy minus the fact that he is in iraq. Maybe it was too much for him and he didn't want to feel like he is doing nothing for us. I don't know - I'm so confused by it. I'm giving him space and I will definately be here when he gets home. I want him to come home to us no matter what happens. I think he needs to realize its too late- he can't just go back to being sinlge bc he will always have a family, he will always be daddy. I think he will realize that not talking to us or seeing his daughters and me for a couple of weeks is tearing him apart and will miss us more. I just hope he wants to wait till he gets home to try to work this out and get counseling and then if it doesnt work out then - then yes i understand marriage goes both ways and we will get a divorce but he has to atleast try!!! I just miss my husband and I miss talking to him every day because he is my best friend and this is so hard. 11 more days for this stupid break and i hope he gets over this and we work it all out.. thanks everyone for the support!


I notice that you put in here that he is your best friend. That should be a great sign that you can allow him to have his feelings, as long as he shares them with you.  Counseling should help tremendously here. I agree also with some others that he needs to get a handle on his own issues and feelings and that the more 'married" soldiers he talks to the better. Men tend to lock things like feelings up and not want to share them but the more they do the easier time they have looking at them from outside sources.



Be patient and kind to yourself also. This is never easy, weather on the soldier or their families and only the ones that are or have been through this can understand how heartbreking and trying it can be.



Best wishes for you, your husband and your little babies.



 

Brandie - posted on 01/03/2010

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I figured it would be enough space already since his is on the other side of the world. If we get a divorce I don't think I could take him back. Only because he's not wanting to get help, not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to work it out. If he would put a little bit of effort we would go a long way. remember this blind sided me- we were doing fine not fighting not arguing being actually happy minus the fact that he is in iraq. Maybe it was too much for him and he didn't want to feel like he is doing nothing for us. I don't know - I'm so confused by it. I'm giving him space and I will definately be here when he gets home. I want him to come home to us no matter what happens. I think he needs to realize its too late- he can't just go back to being sinlge bc he will always have a family, he will always be daddy. I think he will realize that not talking to us or seeing his daughters and me for a couple of weeks is tearing him apart and will miss us more. I just hope he wants to wait till he gets home to try to work this out and get counseling and then if it doesnt work out then - then yes i understand marriage goes both ways and we will get a divorce but he has to atleast try!!! I just miss my husband and I miss talking to him every day because he is my best friend and this is so hard. 11 more days for this stupid break and i hope he gets over this and we work it all out.. thanks everyone for the support!

Sam - posted on 01/03/2010

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You and the girls should stay at home and welcome him when he gets back. Talk with him and find out whats bothering him. There are times when soldiers go away from home and see how the single live, but its not somthing lasting. He might be feeling it now but once the divorce is done, would you take him back if he decided to want you and the girls? but then, what will happen next time....... You are apart now and he needs to look at himself while gone.

JL - posted on 01/03/2010

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Sounds like he is not dealing well with the deployement and the things that he is experiencing in a war zone very well. It is hard and soldiers deal with it various ways..some like your hubby pull away from those they love and turn inward. Stick by his side as much as you can and push him into going to counseling at least for himself when he gets back because honestly this is just the beginning ...there will be plenty more deployements , training missions, and schooling throughout his time in the military that will keep him away from his families during holidays and such.



My husband has been in the military 10 years. We have been married fo 9 years but been together for 13 years. He has been deployed 4 times to a war zone, been to Egypt, Kuwait, Korea and various training and schooling which has kept him gone away from me and the kids most of our marriage. We count it a good year if he is home 3 months straight. After my husband's first deployement..he was sent in with the first units in Afghanistan...he came home quiet and withdrawn not wanting to talk about it at all. He was home an all of 3 months before he had to turn around and deploy to Iraq and I had just found out I pregnant with our first child. He came back a week before she was born but he was not the same man.



It was like he had reverted back into a 17year old.He wanted to go out all the time and drink with the single soldiers. He was not acting like a responsible man but like a teen.I thought he was going through a mid life crisis at the age of 26. He was sent away on a training mission for 3 months and got word that once he got back from the training mission he had another 2 months at home and then he was off to Iraq again. The separation for the 3 months and the reality that he was going to leave again, and me telling him to me a MAN and get his shit together or I was gone put his ass back in gear. He woke up out and realized that what he wanted was his family and he was going to enjoy what time he had with us and count down the days till he could see us again. I hope things work out for you and that he gets the counseling he needs.

Brandie - posted on 01/03/2010

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I don't know about the woman thing- I'm sure he could find someone if he wanted to. It seems to me that he is just lost and needs to talk to someone but he won't because he is too hard headed. I hope it doesnt turn into PTSD. No matter what I am here for him and he knows that. I hope this week and half makes him miss us and he finally comes to the realization that we can work this out. And yes I think I did the right decision by informing the Shirt thats here who informed the shirt and the commander thats there. I think they should know what he is doing. My best friend's husband is deployed there with him - he is his supervisors supervisor. He said eveyrone keeps trying to get him to talk about it and he keeps saying mind your own business. He said he needs to realize that he won't get BTZ now because of this because he's letting it get to him too much- he keeps moping around and saying he misses me but then he's doing this to me?? I'm just so lost. I think he's majorly confused and just needs space but its hard for me because talking to him was getting me through this deployment. It is our first deployment but our second year in a row without holidays together. He was in Basic last year. So maybe thats another factor pushing him overboard with emotion and cracking. I just hope it all works out for the best.. Please do keep praying for us!!! We need all the prayers we can get!

Christina - posted on 01/03/2010

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Yes i agree with Hannah! Dont let him go out on his own ! The only thing he should be worried about is you and those 2 precious lil girls...I mean when my husband got home he was COMPLETLY emotionless....But hes getting better...To be honestit sounds to me like there is SOMEONE in Iraq that is influencing this on your husband! I know there was ALOT of women in my husbands unit that were kind of trouble makers ya know! But hey if you need anybody to talk to...send me a message im on here every day...!

C. - posted on 01/03/2010

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Quoting Brandie:

Thank you all for the posts!!! We are taking a break. He has called me today and said he does want to work this out but he needs to figure out himself more before he does anything.
A Msgt in his shop had a heart to heart talk with him and he told me that he is having issues with being deployed, his first deployment and hearing about christmas, my birthday, and all these other holidays is stressing him out. Hopefully we can work this all out when he gets home!
I have a feeling it will all be ok although I think he owes me a million roses lol....
I am staying here no matter what, we are getting counseling when he gets home and even if we do divorce he will be broke as a joke and wont be able to afford to poop much less be "single" with the child support..

I hope everything works out fine and I'm keeping my head up. I am a writer, bachelors in english and I have my cosmetologist liscense.. so I have plenty to fall back on no matter what happens.. I love my husband and I will always love him and no matter what he thinks, he will always have a family because you can't just return your children.

Thank you all again- these have all been very helpful and yes please pray for us!!!


Will do! I am glad someone got through to your husband! This is my husband's first deployment as well.. He was taking being away for the holidays pretty hard, but he didn't want a divorce or anything.. Then again, everyone is different and handles every situation differently. I am glad you two will be going to marriage counseling.. That's wonderful! I hope everything works out for the both of you!

Debbie - posted on 01/02/2010

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My husband is currently deployed and its the first deployment in our marriage. The military is new to me. Read Love and War, have him read it! It's a really a great resource. So are their other two books which we have also read, Wiald at Heart and Captivating. It really out things into perspective for us. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

Katie - posted on 01/02/2010

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my husband is in the military aka in the airforce branch and i told him about your situation and he said yes you should tell his first shirt, the supervisor, even he commander...tell everyone on that base. bc he is not doin his duties. good luck..and i will be praying that things get better for you.

Brandie - posted on 01/02/2010

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Thank you all for the posts!!! We are taking a break. He has called me today and said he does want to work this out but he needs to figure out himself more before he does anything.

A Msgt in his shop had a heart to heart talk with him and he told me that he is having issues with being deployed, his first deployment and hearing about christmas, my birthday, and all these other holidays is stressing him out. Hopefully we can work this all out when he gets home!

I have a feeling it will all be ok although I think he owes me a million roses lol....

I am staying here no matter what, we are getting counseling when he gets home and even if we do divorce he will be broke as a joke and wont be able to afford to poop much less be "single" with the child support..



I hope everything works out fine and I'm keeping my head up. I am a writer, bachelors in english and I have my cosmetologist liscense.. so I have plenty to fall back on no matter what happens.. I love my husband and I will always love him and no matter what he thinks, he will always have a family because you can't just return your children.



Thank you all again- these have all been very helpful and yes please pray for us!!!

Heather - posted on 01/02/2010

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Hey girl... I didn't want to give you any more advice, but as a fellow AF wife and mother I just wanted to let you know I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope everything works out for you when he returns home, whatever is best for you and your children.

Tah - posted on 01/02/2010

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i was talking to my husband because i was trying to figure out what the point of running to his command for this partucular problem would be except to have his business out and worse depending on what you tell them. And trust me he won''t be calling to thank you once he comes out of their office. i know it hurts but he prob has found somebody or just feels like the single guys have it easy not worrying about the family at home...which they do....is it right no...but don't you want someone who knows for sure and wont keep changing his mind...if he decides tommorrow he does want a family..then what...do you want the what if next week he changes his mind again hanging over your head..or next year.or the year after...do you guys need counseling yes...do you need to pray about it absolutely..do you need to run to his command because he wants a divorce...uuuhhhh..no...some women call for every little thing just because they know they can..if i thought he was sick or depressed and a danger then sure...i think he is young and wants to be free and prob has his eyes on someone else and at least wants the options that singles guys have and trust me there is nothing they can do about what he wants. you have no proof he is cheating, he hasnt actually put you out, he is still providing and you havent mentioned any abuse except this emotional rollercoaster.. i suggest you start working on you if your not already so that you can have something to fall back on in case this is the ultimate decision. relationships are 100/100 both parties have to give their all but if one person is giving 50 then that only works for awhile. so pray, try counseling and prepare yourself to land on your feet if he really is pulling the rug out from under you...i will pray for you also...

Heather - posted on 01/02/2010

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It seems that you have gotten some good advice from his first shirt. I was in this position and I also contacted his commander who was very helpful. The process of depression that the deployed soldiers go through have so many outcomes. If they are in good relationships but others in there unit are not then these tend to have impact and start creating doubts in our loved men. Being a military wife is a very hard job and having more understanding and not taking things personally until you know the whole story is the hardest. Since communication isn't daily or even always regular you can't know what else is going on there. Maybe he is feeling very lonely and would like to relieve himself of that loneliness but the guilt is too much so he is trying to tell you (in a sad, poor) way that he needs companionship that the single soldiers are finding but is not inclined to "cheat" unless he can convince himself that he has broken off from his emotions with you. Some can and some can't. I think it is almost a good sign that he is one that has a hard time with the thought of cheating. Stay strong and understanding and try not to let him off the hook that easy.
I had also suggested counseling and we were sent on a bonding retreat for a weekend through the Chaplin Services. It was a wonderful experience and we also kept on counseling for communication for months later. Just be prepared for honesty unless you don't think you can handle it. What soldiers have to do when they are away are neither easy and some are classified.
There isn't much else I can tell you but offer my support and that keeping his command chain in the loop will be more helpful to you and keep you and your children's options and legal recourse strong. I also agree that you should NOT leave either. A deployed soldier's worst fear is that you will not be there when he gets back and if you do he can use that to justify his actions going forward and also make him an even weeker man and soldier in the long run.
Being a military wife is one of the hardest positions I have ever held in this world. I never envy new wives. It is a delicate balance and takes alot of resolve and strength to be there for them no matter what they are going through.

I also was a soldier for 8 years on my own and a military wife for 3 years so I do have a slightly different view that I hope you find helpful.
It will not be easy and I am sorry that you and your children have to experience that part of the emotional baggage that comes with being a soldiers wife.
If you would just like someone to talk to, please feel free to email me.

Krystal - posted on 01/02/2010

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Oh honey!!! There's plenty of good advice from all the others, and it's all probably too much to deal with right now. I think one important thing to remember always in life is that we cannot control what others do, we can only control ourselves. There's not much you can do to help him, he has to help himself, he has to work through whatever he's dealing with. The only thing you can control is you, so you need to do what is best for you. I don't know what that is, it could be any number of things... But you do! Trust yourself. You need to be healthy, happy, and functioning to take care of your children! Do what you need to take care of you and the kids. He's a man let him be responsible for him, and let him fix his problems. Relationships are 50/50, you can only be responsible for you. It sounds like he is having issues, and he needs to work through them... I don't think that means you should have to leave, or he should be excused. If all he needs is a break to figure things out he should have it all figured out before he gets home, since he's had a break from you guys!!! Be strong! I highly reccomend reading The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, or any of his books... it will help!

Lisa - posted on 01/01/2010

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Sweetheart you need to cut your loses and move on with your life nothing like that is worth you losing any sleep over think of your child and live life as if it is your last day.

Laura - posted on 01/01/2010

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Wow honey, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have much advice for you, but I can say that I understand.
My father passed away in October, 3 days after that I had to put my 9 month old puppy down because she had a defect that her kidneys didn't grow. I called my Navy husband and he went off on me telling me that he couldn't deal w/ this anymore and that he wanted a divorce. I didn't understand at all at the time.
After about 4 days of arguing, he finally told me how hard it was for him that I am at home having to deal w/ all these things and that there wasn't anything he could do to be here for me or help me.
Military life is a very hard life, you have to deal with everyday things and I'm sure that you tell your husband about those things, and he wants to here about them, but at the same time it's hard for the spouses that are not here to be happy w/ what is going on, or to cry w/ you when it's something bad.
I know that you can go through the Family Fleet Services (that's for navy though); or call your osbudsman (don't know if I spelled that correctly). I've called them before and you don't even have to give them your name.
I hope that things get better for you 2. This is my 4th deployment with my husband. I left him for 9 months after the last deployment because I couldn't deal w/ his anger anymore. We worked things out and got back together. We do not have any children together, but both have kids from prior relationships. I think that you should stand your ground and stay there, maybe sleep in another room or something. Once he comes home and sees you and his kids, I think that he will remember what he fell in love with.
Just be patient sweetie! I hope everything works out!
L

Tiffany - posted on 01/01/2010

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I am just going to put an idea out there that may sound a little crazy. It happened to my husband and myself while he was in Korea. He got very sick. Didn't tell me about. At this same time, my in-laws went to Korea to visit him. (I know, wonderful vacation spot. Also, I hadn't got along with my in-laws. We had a huge fight not too long before this happened) Like I said, he was very sick and they talked him to go to visit the DMZ. He just got worse. He and I would im each night and he starting on some line of thinking I did not understand. I had thought he lost him everloving mind. He got kicked out of the library where he was iming me from. Why did he get kicked out? he was yelling at the computer. He ended being taken to the hospital, after he passed out. After he felt better, we talked and it was worked out. Also, why in Korea, he let his peers effect him. I mean, he had quit smoking years before, and started back again while in Korea. Then, he also started drinking again while there. Everything he worked so hard to quit, come back to life. It was hard when he got him because I asked him the hard question. If he can tell me all of those things, and yell at me like he did while gone, what did he do that I don't know about? How can I trust him? It was hard. There are no trust issues. It is always hard when they come home, but work at it. If you love him, then fight! It may be just because he is away. People getting into his. Hopefully all will workout for you and your family. I am praying for you and your family!

Cathy - posted on 01/01/2010

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My husband who has been in the AF for 13yrs just said it flat he's an asshole. I'm so sorry he's putting you threw this it's not normal I wonder if he's not got some mental health isuses that have nothing to do with you or the kids. I do know that in the UCMJ it states that he must provide adequate living condtions for you and the kids so don't leave the house and if he can handle being there tough cookies for him he's got to find his own place even if your in base housing . As long as you don't sign the papers he's just got to lump it. You also need to make sure the bills are being paid and he's not socking the money away from you spending it while your apart so you don't wake-up to your car being repo'ed or something along those lines. As far as not wanting a family anymore that ship has sailed and he will have to pay child suport for a very long time and the AF will damn sure make him do it. Please becareful when he does come home it might be better and safter if he does say away or only sees you with other people there. You for you own peace of mind should make an appt with mental health as soon as your able to help you sort this all out in your own heart and mind. Best of luck and much love

Meghan - posted on 01/01/2010

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WOW...this sounds like an instant replay. My girlfriend just went through this last month. Whatever you do stay in the house, don't give him a break and see a counselor when he gets back no matter what. Breaks in marriage are never good...you are married and he's already half way around the world. I don't want to say that he's cheating but something about all that he is saying is just not adding up. Like a number of the other ladies said it sounds like he got someone in trouble. Keep your chin up girl and PUSH (pray until something happens) through this:)

C. - posted on 01/01/2010

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Hmm.. Sounds to me like he wants to seize the opportunity to cheat or has already cheated and MAYBE gotten someone in trouble and he doesn't want to get kicked out for that.. Agreeing to give him a break while he's already out there is like an open invitation and in the invitation you are saying, Please.. Cheat on me. I wouldn't agree to taking a break and I wouldn't sign divorce papers if he sends them to you, that way he isn't just getting an easy way out. He started a family and that's on him now, he should have to take care of them. Good luck, Sweetie! I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope your husband comes to his senses soon!

Medic - posted on 12/31/2009

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hmm i would wait till he gets back being in the box affects everyone differently and makes them see things sometimes in ways that arnt realistic my husband went through a few days of not knowing and being confused but he got over it....and now we are fine....most of it was it was our first deployment together and guys talk and guys compare wives and whatever and just dont worry.....give him the benefit of the doubt

Rachel - posted on 12/31/2009

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There is no break in a marriage and it sounds like he is having self esteem issues of family pressure. Ask your frg leader and contact his superior explaining this is not normal behavior for this soldier..

Tah - posted on 12/31/2009

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i think he is possibly cheating or having the option to and he sees the single guys having a blast with no repercussions you need to pray about it and be strong dont let him think he has the option to go back and forth and try the single life...you have feelings and a family..don't let him play with either one and do not leave that is your home also...you don't get a break to try the single life when you have chosen the married life and the single life gets old for those guys quick trust me..he is too funny...

Jan - posted on 12/31/2009

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I would say stay in the house!!! I don't know where u are for sure but I know in my state of Michigan the military man is protected by the military act and as long as he is deployed you can not divorce him...also I know that when my husband was gone he had alot of mixed feeling, he worried about if he got hurt he said he would not come back to us, also worried about me being in the states without him and told me to go on with my life which I didn't cause he was my life. I think he is just having the mixed feeling, Let him ramble Do not give him let him think you think it is okay for him to cheat or that you want out. Just tell him you love him and the girls do to. When he says he wants out just say oh! that lets him know you heard him but you are not saying you agree, or disagree... Don't beg just listen...keep your head up and know that it is just the heart ahce of being gone. Once he gets back and things are better then kick him in the butt and tell him don't you ever do that too me again!!!! I'll be praying for you and yours...

Katie - posted on 12/31/2009

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sweetie I am so sorry. He is being absolutely selflish and just wants to dip his stick where ever he pleases then expects you to be right there waiting when hes done having his fun. That is something you should not put up with. If he doesn't get over this phase then I say move on. If he will be reasonable enough to wait till he gets home and REALIZES what he HAS and changes his mind and knows he was acting like an idiot then everything will be ok. Time away from home for so long messes with their heads.. Be strong hun. If he continues to act that way even when he comes home then obviously you deserve sooo much better. How a man can just all of sudden want to leave his wife and children is beyond me. I know its not what you want to hear but there has to be a woman that changed his mind not just the guys talking..Let me know if you need anything!

Brandie - posted on 12/31/2009

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thank you!! i am trying my hardest to just stick this through and roll with it and hope someone talks sense into him- he had a talk with a sgt way up in the chain- a heart to heart..i hear .. and then icalled him if he could just email me to tell me what he spends to put in the checkbook- and i asked him if he was ok and he said " no i miss you so much".. can someone just shake him for me pleaseee.. errr

Leigh - posted on 12/31/2009

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Hi,l'm sorry to hear about ur situation! I have been a Navy wife for 15 yrs and my hubby has been in 22 yrs, and we've been though at least 10 deployments! I wouldnt leave the house. stay put till he gets home!! It is true, like you said that IF a divorce happens he can claim that you left and took "his" kids away! But more important, stay because you both need to talk!! It's very easy for you to think everything has been great. Its easy for men to keep feelings inside and after a while, (especially during a deployment and having young children),,its very overwhelming for him to be on deployment, see single men and that they have little responsibilites and it seems that they have a much simpler life. He's probably overwhelmed with having a young set of twins and realizing that his life and responsibilites are greater than what he thought they would be! I just think he's shell shocked and will come around when he gets back home. I know after we had my daughter and 4 yrs later my son, our marriage changed dramatically! Things were never the same. You have to grow and roll with punches. Its hard especially being a military wife! If he does insist on a divorce, its possible that he's had an affair and thinks the grass is greener on the other side! My hubby and I have both had affairs during very rough times in our marriage, but we worked thru them. So an affair doesnt mean an END! Good luck, stay strong and positive!

Brandie - posted on 12/31/2009

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Update:  If time will let hiim miss me more and realize he does want me and our children then I am willing to give him two weeks to not talk to me. I did contact his shirt this morning and he has told me some very interesting things and is helping out with the stituation. He has contacted the shirt thats deployed and other guys around him to keep an eye on him. He said for me not to worry because its probably just the deployment that has him confused. He said for me to stand my ground and stay here no matter what happens. He said for me to go see him adn bring the girls to see him when he does get back in and make him spend time with us and make him atleast try for our marriage. He said he will see to it that it is mandatory for him to go to a counselor for our marriage before the airforce will even approve of divorce and that he has no way of getting a divorce and he is only being a baby wanting to do it from there and not here.



I am still confused and lost at why this happened. As far as I know we have been happy and we are happy and everything was going perfectly.



Men suck!





 

Hannah - posted on 12/31/2009

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From what you've said you are slipping. Agreeing to take the break while you're already apart has given him room to cheat. It sounds like thats what he wants. He's been around the single guys to much and they are rubbing off on him. You should stand your ground an fight! You have 2 daughters to think of. Not only do they look at you to guide them you also will be examples to thier future relationships. How you you are will effect them in the long run. It sounds like the sudden change could mean there is a coworker (female) that may also have rubbed off onto him and he wants to see what it maybe like. Who knows forsure with out confrunting him on it. Next time you chat take back the break, you're already appart I don't see how a break in your relationship is effective. It's too late on the family issue you have kids and regaurdles the Military will make sure they are taken care of. He will have to pay the support or they will doc his pay ta do it. You can't just decide you don't want a family no more thats just not right, I swear men like this make me so angery! I am sorry if I am showing this in my text, but to tell the truth I realy want to give him a what for! I hope I was able to help any, just remember its 2 months off and time can only tell. Just stand your gound and don't give him any leeway to weasle out of your family, its not right.

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