Spouse deployed, wants divorce won't seek help or change mind

[deleted account] ( 58 moms have responded )

Hello,
Maybe this is a dumb question. My husband is deployed (first deployment) and we are in the National Guard. We have 3 young kids (the oldest are 6). I am a freak and every month, when I have PMS, I get irrational, moody, crazy, and don't control my mouth. I have said horrible things that I am not proud of. Well, DH deployed this fall, then had a chance for the spouses to see him before he went overseas. My spouse thought it was too expensive/didn't want to say goodbye again. So I freaked out (right before my period), lost it on him that he didn't love me and I wanted a divorce, so he bought me plane tickets and I got to see him. But we couldn't afford it. We have a ton of debt and after he left I found out he put $17K on a credit card. Plus since he is in the Guard, he was making a lot less money for the few months before hazard pay kicked in, and I was selling a lot of our belongings to just pay the bills. I am a SAHM. Then, he calls me right during my devil PMS time and tells me he needs me to get a job so that I can help financially with the bills. I lost it on him and told him I wanted a divorce because I wasn't happy and I didn't think I should have to get a job during the deployment when the kids and I are all kind of freaked out, to pay for him to buy stuff that we don't need. He is an aggressive/emotional spender and I don't want to work for his fun money. So after I got my period I cooled down, but he is done with me. He says that he wants a divorce, will never change his mind, refuses to talk to anyone about it, and says that even if I took care of my PMS and changed into the best person in the whole world, he wouldn't be happy with me and is tired of trying. He is saying the kids are better off in a divorce and that they will be fine. I freaked out and begged him to give me another chance, I would go drug myself up and apologized my butt off and told him I loved him and was so sorry for all the times I hurt him, but it is irritating him. He wants me to shut up and move on. I guess there is no hope, right? I have a tiny hairswidth of hope but I am just wondering if it is stupid of me to think that maybe he will change his mind once he gets home, if I can cut out all the drama. I have had to forgive him for hurting me in lots of ways but he doesn't want to forgive me, says he is not in love with me.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Tina - posted on 01/20/2011

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First, I don't want to hurt you by my words so take what i have to say just knowing I am being honest. If I were him I would be pissed as well. No person deserves that amount of disrespect and PMS is not an excuse. If you know you are that bad, you need to take care of it by seeing a dr and following up with advise. I understand it can change you but there are ways to deal with that. You understand it is changing you into an evil wife so do somethign about it and quit using it as an excuse as to why are are being nasty to him. Go see a dr and get it under control. Being yelled at all the time, I can understand why he would not be in love with you any longer. anger, hatred, hurt, disrespect, lack of love, intimacy... it all goes under with that kind of behavior. So you know you are at fault here so fix that part. The part you know is destroying you adn he both. Next, you need to show and tell him you love him and are willing to do whatever it is you need to do to save your marriage. So figure out what it is you need to do on your end. Getting a job with him deployed adn 3 young children??? hahahah!!! Unless you hold a PHD or have family willing to keep them for free? Don't know how that is going to happen. Unless you can stand to do childcare in your home? I have no idea how he thinks you are supposed to work and make any money while paying childcare. The financial issue is the stresser here big time. My husband is horrible too and it causes all sorts of arguements. He has to quit spending. Tell him there can be no more Credit card usage. The amount you are spending amonth on paying that could be used to buy a car, I am sure! USAA offers a credit card to deployed for a really low percent. I think it is 4%. Check into that.
As for divorce. YOu have threatened him with it and now he is all for it. If it happens, it is goign to financially ruin you both. May be better for you both and maybe even the kids, butyou will both be hurting financially. He will have a lot of child support to pay and you will have to get a job anyway. That credit card will be the least of both your worries.
Suggest also looking into a consolidation loan maybe. Might be lower interest than the card.
I feel for you and understand you are probably scared, hurt, angry, isolated, and stressed out. Change what you can for you and hopefully your marriage. Seek counseling and medical advise. Tell your husband you love him and want it to work and you will be doing your part.
The other woman. I don't think I know enough to answer on that part. But find out if he is leaving you for her.
the military can screw him BIG TIME for that. Affairs are NOT tolerated in the military. Just do know that if you pursue that avenue, you will lose out as well as it can and probably will affect his job/rank/pay...
Pray, ask him to pray, pray together.
Figure out what it is you really want. If you really do want a divorce, now is the time. Be honest with yourself. Dont' just think about how you and kids will be taken care of. Get out of a bad situation now or figure it out and learn how to be respectful to the man you married. Learn how to love him and he may begin to love you back as well.
I know this sounds harsh. It is. I hope that it will help you though. Really i do.

Kyrie - posted on 01/24/2011

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My husband did something like that only most of the money issues were both of ours. It took a major fight and a lot of issues and marriage counceling from a military chaplain w/ a SAHW and 6 kids to talk some sense into my hubby. You can NEVER threaten divorce again. That's the number one rule in our house now. I PMS really bad, get S.A.D. and I might be bipolar or something but I go all over the place and now he understands that. I don't have to medicate either because now he's super supportive. It sounds like your hubby needs some maturing like mine and you need a little more self restraint. Don't give up on him if you want to stay with him.



Have you looked into your divorce laws for the state you live in? Montana is "family friendly" which meant that since we have kids I could file for an injunction to prevent divorce over and over for 6 month periods at a time. I didn't need to but that law kept him from leaving right then and there and now we are happy as pie. I told him I'd keep injunctioning him over and over until he grew up. lmao

[deleted account]

It sounds like he really needed support and you weren't there for him. That's not an excuse for an emotional affair, but it is a reason. You have mentioned several times when you were terrible to your husband and I honestly can't blame him for not wanting to deal with more drama when he's over there. How many times did you think you were going to ask for a divorce before you beat him into the ground? It's your job to coddle him even if he's too busy to return the favor. It sucks, I know! That's just my opinion, but having been attached to the military for almost 13 years, I have learned that I don't have to like it, but I do have to deal with it. At least if you're divorced, you will be making your own money and won't be stressed about his spending habits anymore. This isn't the end, just the beginning to a time when you can get yourself straightened out (there are medications that help with PMDD if that's what's going on) and move forward.

Tina - posted on 01/24/2011

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Marci, this conversation has definitely come full circle. YOu have revealed so much more since the beginning of all of this. I understand completely what this man is doing to you and how he is going about doing it. Have had that myself! Really. I know how you feel about that. About not even wanting to stay with him at all. I think you have now been honest with us (and maybe yourself as well) about what is truely going on. This is not all about you and your PMS or bitching. Yes, I am sure that doesn't help but I am also sure that after years of feelings you have had that is it difficult to even be nice. After all, someone you know is doing all of this to you, whether you admit it or not, it is very hard to be pleasant and say nice things or talk in any type of respectful manner. I go through that myself. So after all of your enlightenment, I would still stick with the counseling until he comes home. Have a heart to heart with him. Let him know exactly how you feel. Like what you have said to us about him and what he does to you to place all the blame on you. Let him know it is wrong and you are not willing to accept it any longer. That you are wanting to save the marraige (if you still are) but you will not be treated that way anymore. If he wants to leave, then let him as you seem to know you will be mentally healthier w/o him dragging you down.
However, living alone with 3 kids is goign to be a tough road to travel as well. Make sure you are prepared for that financially and mentally. Support is a must so find it now.
Good for you for doing what you need to do for yourself, starting with counseling!
Maybe you should write your husband a nice letter as well. Instead of tempers flaring on the phone. Also, remember where he is and what dangers he may/may not be facing. Keep that in mind!

Kristen - posted on 01/23/2011

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I agree with Helen. I know how hard a deployment can be (I'm in the Marine Corps) but it's not something that's forever. The debt can be a serious problem and if he's in the military he could get into some serious trouble if he doesn't get his finances together. As for the kids, you really need to focus on setting a good example for them no matter how your marriage turns out and that starts now. If your PMS is really that bad (which I can kinda understand but it doesn't make you say things, you say those things) then you need to find a way to cope with it. I defiantly suggest you start with your own counseling and make the effort for yourself before anything. you don't want your kids growing up thinking you're crazy ( which they will do if you don't get yourself under control). I don't know how many times I've had to go to counseling for myself and it helps with the relationship as well. You make the move to change your ways and learn to cope with things that you can't change. I would suggest to your husband that he have time to cool off. He's in a stressful situation, in a place that is strange to him, and is probably wanting to get away from everything that is bad so that he can focus more on his job. I know a deployment can be a really hard time for the one left at home but you have to understand that when you're the one that's deployed, you have a job to do and you're in a possible dangerous position. Make sure that when you speak to him that you don't say or act in a negative way because it's just going to make things worse. If you really love him show him in a way that will make it real for him. Make sure you're doing your part, because then at least you can say you tried. And that should mean more to you than anything. You have to keep from making things worse esp while he is away. I do suggest you get job as well, because if things don't work out you're going to be in an even bigger heap of trouble. Start thinking now about the future no matter the outcome! I wish you the best of luck!!

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[deleted account]

Update now to the drama, we are both talking on the phone again and have agreed to not make any major decisions til after the deployment, and that we are going to try and only talk about the kids and just play scrabble online or something. I really, really am seeing how we have both been sick to each other - he has never known whether I am coming or going, and I have never known whether was lying or sneaking, so both of us have never trusted each other. Now I am really trying to set everything aside and just hang out with him on the phone. And after the deployment, a month or so after, we can decide whether we are both all in or all out, because I don't think either of us can decide now; we are both too stressed. He and I have never felt safe with each other, but if there is any time we have ever needed to support each other, now is the time. I am so glad for you military wives to talk to me!!!!! You all sound so much stronger and more blunt than the average person. Military life has made all of you strong and tough because you have to be, in my opinion. I will still pray, go to counseling for myself, and I do know I have a hormonal imbalance legit because I have infertility problems, weird stuff like hot flashes and night sweats, stress seems to aggravate them.

Molly - posted on 01/26/2011

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It is very honest of you to admit where you have fallen short. Not many people are able to do that. I think there is definately hope for you, but I think the best thing for you to do at this time is to help yourself! I get very cranky during the same time. This is something that can more than likely be helped. Many women expereience this because of a hormone imbalance during this time (progesterone deficiency)... not saying this is your exact case. I think the best thing you can do is seek medical advice because YOU will feel much better if you dont need to experience such mood fluxuations, and your children and husband will also start to reap the benefits... take care of yourself.

[deleted account]

Ugh and screw. I said i'll support him as his wife not his ex, only accepting emails. Moving on with my life.

Sanya - posted on 01/25/2011

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Ugh. Im sorry you are going through this. Maybe time will heal it? Explain your irrational behavior to him, how its not easy for you to deal with everything while hes gone and sometimes you need an outlet to take it out on and he was the unfortunate one that had to take it.

[deleted account]

Oh, I did tell his chain of command, not about the affair but about his other symptoms and they told me they would talk to him because they were already concerned.

[deleted account]

Oh Kristen, I am worried about that too. His chain of command is already concerned about him. They say he has been acting erractic, withdrawn, and angry (I heard this from a friend who is a Captain over there). They have already asked him if everything was okay at home and he said it was, but apparently he was begging to go home for the earliest R&R (he won't admit this to me) because he said he really missed us so bad. And I have another post on here talking about him and PTSD. He has lost like 20 pounds in the past few months, has lost his appetite, when he was home on R&R was when he asked for a divorce but he was also not sleeping very many hours and said something about wanting the light on at night and missing the sounds of the generators. He was emotionally cutting ties with me, aren't these all signs of someone not coping well? Plus his command changed his mission out of concern for him. He was during more dangerous stuff at first and now he is behind a desk doing stuff on a computer a lot of the time. They told him that it was because he had great computer skills, but part of it was that he seemed to not be handling stress that well. Because his mission is classified and he is not really on a big base, he says he doesn't have a lot of access to counselors or chaplains. Because he is an officer, he can't really talk to the enlisted about his feelings, etc, and there is only one other officer that he sees on a daily basis that he is not close to. So I am worried that him wanting a divorce, having an affair, etc are all part of a bigger picture of his not coping well with the deployment.

Shawnda - posted on 01/25/2011

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i think you need to try some YAZ! its a birthcontrol that helps with mood swings like that and as far as his spending he needs to go to financial classes the gaurd offers those! also i think that you might need to be around people other than your kids and your spouse so you dont flip so easily it might help out a lot with that i know it helped wme when my hubby was on deployment also he has to be on american soil for 6 months before he can even consider a divorce this is pretty much military rules there are some loop holes though this time period is for you guys to go to counseling and every thing else no judge will allow a divorce with out you going to counseling because he cant leave you because of mood swings he married you and thats a part of you he should have to deal with i think that you need to also understand the stress that he is under having to be away from home its scary for you i know i have been through 2 deplyments its hard for you and him both let him cool off another thing is a lot of the ass holes over seas thinkis its funny to tell the first timers that all the wives cheat and this also isnt helping that you are freaking out on him expecially when hes away he might htink your unhappy because you are with some one else you have to think about all the things that he misses and cant be here for he is hurting more than you know and i know that you are too just breath and talk to your doctor about some antidepresents or ant axiety pills that should also help the mood swings

Kristen - posted on 01/25/2011

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Ok I missed a few posts... He might really be coming around. But you need to make sure that's whats going on. I suggest that maybe (just to ensure nothing BAD happens) I would talk to him but set some ground rules. He's probably pretty upset and again he is so far away. I don't want to scare you but you need to make sure he's not thinking about hurting himself and make sure he has someone to talk to THERE. I know it sounds like I'm taking his side, but I've been where he is (I have deployed to Iraq) and there are people there that find it so easy to hurt themselves and many did. I really think you need to put your pride away and make sure he's thinking with a clear mind and isn't thinking about hurting himself. If he is you HAVE to notify his chain of command because he most likely won't and they probably don't know whats going on at home. You probably think I'm crazy for this message but I'm VERY serious!

Kristen - posted on 01/25/2011

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Look Marci, since you have a great feeling that things aren't going to workout (mostly because he is saying it not because of your lack of trying) I really think you need to start thinking about you and the kids. Let him do him and when he figures out you don't need him as much as he thinks you do, and you figure out that you don't need him as much as you think you do then you'll be able to be a strong independent woman that you know you are. Stand up, take a deep breath, and start something for you and your kids. Make things right for you with or without him. That means, financially, get a support system, legally, and emotionally (for you AND the kids)!!!! When something like this comes along you just have to stand up and keep trucking, the world (unfortunately) doesn't stop moving and now you have to move more honey. I hope you have someone close to vent to and maybe that can help you out. Maybe you should do something nice with the kids or have someone watch the kids and go do something for you (I know finances can be a problem but that shouldn't stop you from doing something for you....like read a book while taking a nice bath and giving yourself a mani or pedi). Again, I'm going to stress that you need to find some kind of job to keep you financially stable (and it can help if things get nasty legally)...I hope you do well!

[deleted account]

ya, PMS is not an excuse for blowing up nad screaming at my husband, but if you read all the responses, you will see that he has been emotionally abusive to me, never has owned his faults but has always used me as a scapegoat, always has been distant and withheld affection, love, and kindness from me because I deserved it, he said. So probably the blows up at him are being he is doing me wrong, like cheating or lying or ignoring, not because of Pms.

[deleted account]

Stop using PMS as an excuse all women have it and that is no reason to behave that way. I do not know what to tell you about your husband because I have never been there but please have more respect for women that that.

Tah - posted on 01/25/2011

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of course its up to you, but if you feel he is really having some kind of issues dealing, you can always listen, but at the first hint of any of the abuse, cut it off. maybe this way, you can steer him the direction of seeing someone for his change in habits and personality. Just dont subject yourself to any abuse, i think in any other case it would be too early of him to ask for a friendship, but it will eventually be necessary for you guys ot be civil for the children. Dont do it if it will sacrifice your well-being, but if you have that to give and he is really not coping now, he may just need a friend.

[deleted account]

Now my husband keeps calling me, crying, apologizing for ruining the marriage, telling me he has no one, needs to be able to call me because he hangs out w no one over there, doesnt deserve me and says he is being selfish but he still wants me for a friend. I dk if he is playing me some more or is finally opening up to me.

Brittany - posted on 01/24/2011

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I have had emotional problems very simuilar to yours in the past. I took it out on my husband because he was the only one around. The finacial situation you are in is not helping your mood or his. I went to see my regular family practice doctor and he gave me a presciption for zoloft. It has been great! I feel soooo much better and can handle the challeges of motherhood and wife. I wish I would have gone sooner! Im not sure what kind of help you can get finacialy from the base, but if your husband is deploying I imagine more help would be avaiable, like finacial planning classes. I think he WILL change his mind once he gets home! If you got medication that workes for you and get as much done on your finaciaces as you can while he is away, I bet things will start to look up. After he sees all this ask him if he wants to start over together. You have three precious reasons to not throw in the towel! I hope this helps and will be keeping your family in prayers

[deleted account]

He keeps calling. Now he is telling me he is sorry for being disrespectful and wants to be friendly with each other for everyone's sake. I told him to please email me and stop calling me, that I do not want to have a relationship outside of emails. He started owning more stuff. Hopefully he keeps it up and this is not just another manipulation tactic. I am not looking around for another man. I don't want to now, but I do in the future, for sure. I would love to have a healthy relationship with a man. I really don't see how I could ever have one with my husband.

Tina - posted on 01/24/2011

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Without love and respect, mutual respect, I don't think there can be a marriage with happiness. Your husband does not respect you by telling you that you are evil and crazy, seeking comfort (of whatever kind) from another woman, porn, affairs, gambling,crazy spending. That does not respect you or your marriage. You don't respect him with your actions either. You both need to make a renewed committment to your marriage or end it, if you are at that point. It will never work if you both do not change your behaviors, attitududes and the like towards each other. Anger and resentment just build and hatred grows.
Kids usually do bounce back from divorce. It is difficult for them of course. Mom and dad are not living together anymore, who do I love??? Just make your kids aware that it is you and he who do not love each other adn cant be nice to each other. They did nothing wrong and both parents still lvoe them and will try to spend as much time with them as possible. Let them know it will not be easy or the same but they are loved no matter what. If you end up with custody, as I am sure you will, given that he is active duty, you will essentially be filling both roles, much as you do now with him deployed. It is not going to be an easy road, workign full time to support three small children, then coming home to the mommy job as well. You will be drained at the end of each night.
(one thing that is not appropriate right now to say but I am going to anyway...) DO NOT get involved with another man. This is for your own sake. I think, we as women - for the most part- think a man will make us happy, show us we can still be loved and are valued, make up happy too. But experience tells that is not going to happen right off and sets you up for not only more heartbreatk, but not being able to heal and really figure out YOU. Find you again and know that you do not have to be dependant on a man for finances, happiness, worthyness, friendship, companionship or anything. Stay single for awhile
So yes, i think that was inappropriate but I needed to put in my two cents on that subject.
Even if he is not going to do the suggested email, you still can. Don't fight with him on the phone, just quietly (remember you are working on maintaining yourself and being respectful, no matter how hard) tell him you think it is best to email and do not let him manipulate you or cause guilt. Also, i would keep every email you get as it could help your case if divorce does happen. However, remember he may keep your emails as well so don't write anything that is goign to come back to hurt you.

[deleted account]

Thanks Tina. I have asked him to only write to me via email and he is still calling me and acting all hurt and offended that I don't want to talk to him. I am not even being rude, just asked if there was anything specific that he needed to speak to me about, and remember, we are supposed to be emailing each other rather than talking, and he said, "you don't even want to talk to me?" acting all hurt and wounded. I told my clergy what was going on, and military counselor, who chatted with both of us about our daughter, not even about our marriage, said something to me. As soon as my husband left the room to go check on my daughter, the counselor said that my husband was doing a really good job of blaming all of us behavior on me and that he is in a fantasy right now that his life will be easier if he divorces, and that the kids will be fine. The counselor asked both of us to please only email each other so the kids wouldn't overhear us fighting, and for us to each please send each other first, a positive letter of support. We both agreed, I did my part, no letter of support from my husband, only self-righteous emails about how pissy I always am and can I control my temper around the girls, and then still calls me. Manipulative? yes! I know being a single mom will be busier and harder on the kids in a lot of ways, but our relationship is twisted and it is better that I get away from a lliar, who has never treated me with basic respect, than try and work on a marriage that he doesn't even want to work on. He says that he is a nice person and much more calm than me, and that I am evil and crazy. Who wants to work on a marriage with that kind of guy?

Tina - posted on 01/24/2011

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on second thought, unless he is bringing it up and needs to have the conversation, I would not write to him. Let him to his job.

[deleted account]

So sorry Sandra! Do you have any emotional support. It's making a huge difference for me to blab to my friends and military internet friends about everything. It's really clearing my head up to hear good things about myself from other people.

Sandra - posted on 01/23/2011

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I am going through the same thing mine is just a little bit different and sad!

Tah - posted on 01/23/2011

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an emotional affair is the worse kind...if you know hw's like this and always has been, the change is up to you, you dont want your children thinking its normal or at least one of them will probably find themselves in a relationship like this.

[deleted account]

Tah, true. I think the mistress is the least of my worries. He had me apologizing to him for driving him to another woman, he said the divorce was entirely because of my moodiness. He said, sure he has hurt me, but he never meant to, he had to lie, etc because I am so difficult to deal with. Isn't that a pretty crappy thing to say to someone? It isn't an apology. And his own friends in the army are telling me that they can't believe how big of a jerk he is being and are on my side. I am friends with the wives of two of his best army friends. The one guy even cheated on his wife the same way, but when she caught him, he immediately dumped her and came back with his tail in between his legs, unlike my husband that has never cared for me the way a man should. He always has been this way, so it is not like I am losing a friendship or a stable marriage. How can I trust him again after not only an affair, btw he claims there is no such thing as an emotional affair, as if I am the only person on the world that believes in this, but when he has not only been lying to me about money all our marriage, but always blaming me?

Tah - posted on 01/23/2011

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Egadds...seems like some emotional and mental abuse. If he can't accept his part it then that is a problem he needs to first realize and second and deal with or it wont matter if he has a mistress etc, his life is gonna be the same. If you keep doing the same thing you will get the same results, continue to pray about it and im glad you are getting counseling

[deleted account]

Wow, now that my husband is away I have realized a few major things. Number one, my husband blames everything on me, an affair, lying to me, criticizing me, tearing me down, telling me I am crazy and my PMS is terrible - all of these things have been used by him to rationalize all of his bad behavior towards me. I have never cheated, never lied, always have tried and tried and tried to be a better person, and he always says that he has these emotional walls and he can't let me in. However, maybe each emotional wall has a name, like "mistress", "porn", "compulsive spending," etc. and "guilt." He had me absolutely convinced that I needed psychological help. But then in talking to a counselor and my clergy, they are telling me that my husband is manipulating and twisting all to defect his guilt. He has never owned anything, he never apologizes, he has never been sympathetic or kind to me. Everything he does that is good is because he is so awesome, and everything bad that he does isn't that bad and somehow all my fault. I don't want to stay with him. I feel like my head is so much clearer now that I am not talking to him but instead, in 3 different men's opinions, my husband is manipulative, feels guilty, twists all blame on me. Fun.

Misty - posted on 01/22/2011

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I am sorry to hear of the troubles that your family is facing. I am a military wife of 15 years with 3 deployments under my belt. We have 5 children. My husband is National Guard too.We have had our share of arguments while going thru deployments, but we tried to make peace before hanging up. Just incase anything would've happened and we both said things we could NEVER take back. Understand that everyone has their own faults, and you and your husband have to work on yours. Being that this is his first deployment, he is getting used to the separation from you and the children. it's hard. If it is hard to be away from him, understand that it's just as hard for him to be away from you. Also the children are going thru the same separation. Set aside the arguments between the 2 of you. Focus on what is best for your your children. That is what is important. Because at the end of the day you 2 are their parents and they look to you for support. I hope things get better. Focus on the children and go from there. Yes you made mistakes and apparently he has too. Let's get through the deployment and go from there. Wish you the best

Ashley - posted on 01/22/2011

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I was reading your post and was going through the responses.
Yes, have faults that you need to work on, but don't we all? My perspective on situations where people try to play the double standard thing....well he shouldn't point fingers when obviously his hands aren't clean. Understand what I'm saying? deployments take a big toll on a couple trust me...my husband is deployed right now to Afghanistan. I went to my doctor because the stress and worry were taking a toll on me every which way you can think of. That was probably the best decision I made to help calm me down. Maybe you could look into something like that and doing something for "you", like a pedi or read a book and have someone watch your children for a couple hours to help take a breather. =) Plus if you get a job even part-time it would give you sometime to help you get your thoughts away from reality.

Now onto what your husband has chosen to do well...FYI....he could be dishonorably discharged for cheating! (Look into it b/c the Marine Corps is that way)
I'm sorry you are going through this especially when there is such a distance between the two of you.
I take vows very seriously. "Through sickness and health, through the good and bad, till death do us part...". Sorry to be so blunt or too honest with my next statement if I offend you, but why would you want to work to fix something when the other person isn't willing to work for it? Also when yall have children and he is out racking up 17K, that doesn't just affect you and him, it affects the children and their futures. Just because you don't handle situations in the best way doesn't give him the right to cheat! If you need military wife to vent to I'm here you can email me at ashleyrd2005@yahoo.com

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Our state does not require counseling or parenting classes, only a 20 day wait. The more i talk to him the more i feel he is playing the blame game and he is not actually owning anything he has ever done.

Sonya - posted on 01/21/2011

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Nearly all states require parenting classes and psych eval during divorce preceedings. Some also require an allotment of time spent in marital counseling to try to save the relationship... His relatioship with this "other woman" could complicate things for him with the military... I hope you each tread carefully thru this difficult time!!

Tina - posted on 01/21/2011

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I might ask him to wait on making any final decisions until after he returns and spends one month living with you as man and wife. See if he feels any different after that. if so, you have something to work on. In the mean time, work on yourself and what you will do to care for you if marriage will not work out. I will pray for you Marci

[deleted account]

Oh, this is soooo hard!!! I am moving on because my husband told me to. He told me there was no hope. I absolutely would be willing to work on the marriage and try and keep us together. I absolutely want to change and control my tongue and I will go to a counselor and a lawyer. I will make a list of things about our marriage. The worst thing about my husband is that he lies (and now that he cheats) and minimizes what he does and blames me for it. He also overspends all the time and doesn't try to go to God for help with our issues. he thinks I am a religious fanatic because I go to church every week and I try to pray and read the scriptures. The best things about him are that he is patient and kind to the kids, he works really hard, he is really smart, he payed money we didn't have so that I could see him on his RandR, he payed money we didn't have so that we could live with him on base for 5 months a few years ago, because he says family time is more important than money. He is handsome. I very much admire his military service and the sacrifices he makes for our country. He doesn't drink or do drugs. He wants to take care of us financially even though we are divorcing. He stopped a gaming addiction, which is, by the way, why I left him the first time after a gaming and porn addiction, I had had enough. After I came back, we went to counseling and it didn't help. The reason why I think it didn't help is because I was still blaming all our problems on his addictions, and not seeing myself for my problems. He says that because that counseling didn't work (10 years ago), that counseling won't help now. He says that no matter how much he changes, I will never want him. Even when I tell him I love him and I want him, he doesn't believe me. I feel so horrible right now. I deserve to feel bad for hurting him, but I still think he isn't considering the kids or having hope or faith in me or God. He says since things haven't worked in the past, it is illogical to keep trying and that we can't drag out the inevitable. That we are irreconcilable. I don't believe it. I believe with God all things are possible, but if he doesn't want to try, it is impossible.

Tina - posted on 01/21/2011

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Well it seems that you have been fighting and unhappy most of the marriage, off and on. I completely understand your position and while I am not encouraging your decision, I now understand more fully why it is so easy for you to let go after this conversation with him.
With that said, start gettign your eggs in a row. Time for you to work on you and getting a job lined up and figuring out how you are goign to support you and the kids without him. If you have a bachelors degree you should not have to much trouble finding a decent paying job.
Get yourself into counseling adn your kids would definitely benefit from it too.
Find out about divorce in your area and what is required and what you need to do.
And while you are doign all of this for yourself and kids might I also encourage you to write a list of things you like/love/ and hate about yoru spouse. See if there are more of the love and likes. Maybe there is something there still?
I know there can be so much disrespect, anger, hurt, lack of caring about the other, no common interests, etc that you feel there is nothing left. 15 yrs of marriage is a lot to throw away and you have the kids as well.
Staying together for the kids only is obviously not good for anyone in your case but consider yourself and your feelings for him. Do you honestly feel there is anything there or any reason to try to keep the marriage? Think about that for awhile. He is deployed and nothing can be done now anyway. so give yoruself some time to think honestly with yourself if you even want to try. If not, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and kids.
I wish you and he and the kids the right outcome for your situation!

Allyson P - posted on 01/21/2011

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WOW! I, too, am going to be blunt, and hopefully it doesn't come across as rude.

1. You need to stop using your PMS as an excuse for your behavior and your words. You NEED to get into some therapy to deal with your emotional issues and to help get yourself through this deployment. There is FREE counseling available through the military - talk to you doctor. Also, if your doctor suggests any medications - TAKE THEM! You will be a much better person.

2. He cannot divorce you and you cannot divorce him while he is on a deployment (per the Sailor/Soldiers Protection Act). So, take the remaining time that he is deployed to seek the therapy that you need. Also, you need to hit your knees and pray like you have never prayed before. Call out to whomever you call God and BEG Him to help you during this time.

3. You need to learn to stop threatening divorce everytime something goes wrong in your marriage to make you unhappy. Marriage is TWO-WAY. It takes BOTH of you to make it work. However, right now, it takes YOU doing everything you can to salvage whatever is left of your marriage.

When he returns home at the end of this deployment, and you have done all you can to get the help you need, if he is willing to stay and work it out, then it will have been worth it. If he chooses (and remember, it will be HIS choice) to leave and divorce you, then you will be one step ahead on the healing process by being already in therapy and will be able to use the skills that you learned in therapy to get through the divorce and move on.

I wish and pray for you to have the best during this difficult time. Keep your head up, stay strong, seek help, get therapy, and you will be fine.

HUGS to you and yours,
Allyson in Vegas

[deleted account]

Okay, I am not always screaming at him. But we have been married for 15 rocky years and we have waivered about a divorce the entire time. We have hope, then we don't, then we have hope, then we dont. I had a long talk with him today and he still says he is not having an affair, just a friendship. I think he is lying to himself and to me, but he says the marriage was over 2 years ago because 2 years ago I almost filed for divorce and tried to go back to school to get a masters degree. I dropped out after taking a Child Dev class and was not going to get a divorce and do that to my kids, then I tried super hard after that to be a good wife. My outbursts of rage at him are either legitmately a mental health issue, as depression and anxiety run in my family, or part of the lack of trust from him frequently lying to me all our marriage about random things. . .He says that he doesn't have it in him to try again, that he has no more desire, strength or emotional energy, and does not want me to have any hope. I told him I loved him but I didn't want him if he didn't want me, I knew we would still have issues even if the PMS is resolved, but for the sake of the children I thought he was making a mistake. He is convinced that we will all be better off, so I am going ahead and giving up without trying to talk him out of it anymore. I'll be nice and stuff and go to therapy, but I am completely 100% sure that he is done.

[deleted account]

I am also going to be blunt, you both seem to be blaming each other and you are hiding behind your PMS and he being deployed. Instead of blaming, yelling at screaming at each other if you want it to work you both need to come up with ideas to resolve the situation. You made the babies, created the debt and now the stress. If you seperate and divorce, the debt still needs to be paid, unless you file for bankruptcy which will also affect you both for a long time.
If you want your husband and your life then you both have to stop using excuses and start working on your marriage. You both need to stop being selfish as you are also dragging your kids through this as well.
If you do believe that you are being affected by PMS and not just using it as an excuse then get it sorted and deal with it.
If he is having an affair it may only be emotional comfort as all he gets is balled out when he calls home. Take a deep breath and maybe try and see what positive things you can do first.

Shelly - posted on 01/20/2011

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Ok now another woman in the picture changes everything whether he realizes it or not he can get in alot of trouble because he is having an affair. My husband is deployed and PCS to another state where he will remain until he retires in 2013. He is an upper level NCO and he will tell you per Army regulations he can get in a hughe amount of trouble for having an affair. Do you have proof that he is seeing another woman? If so all you have to do is contact his chain of command. Not to mention if you end up getting divorced you can get his retirement, child support, and if you haven't worked during your marriage you can get maintaince. Normally I wouldn't say this but if he is cheating regardless of anything you have done he deserves whatever he gets.

Shelly - posted on 01/20/2011

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It's very emotional anytime a soldier deploys and I am sorry that you are going through this during his deployment. However, and I don't mean to be insensitive but your need to get some counseling first then you can get counseling together. Depending on the state you live in like here in Ky. you have to go to parenting classes before you can even get divorced. Hopefully things wont get that far. If he calls to speak with the kids don't pressure him to talk to you give him some space. So that when he gets back you guys can try to work it out. I know it's easier to say than it is to do but it's something that you need to do. I wish you the best and I know that it's hard to be in this situation but it's stressful to be deployed as well. So try to keep that in mind before you act.

Brenda - posted on 01/20/2011

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If your PMS problems are really that hard to deal with, you should check out some testimonials of people, with PMS, and other ailments, that have been helped by essential oils. My friend, Brenda, sells them, and I use them for my depression, illnesses, etc, especially when my hubby is gone. They work great. Then after you feel more balanced, try and decide what you really want and then use the great advice you have gotten so far. Check out her site. Maybe there is something there that can help you.



Good luck!

www.brenda.idoterra.com

LaLasha - posted on 01/20/2011

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I'm sorry that you guys are having such a hard time I agree that you do go alittle crazy and I think his emotional spending isn't ok either the jag office will require him to see the chaplain before he can continue the divorce proceedings I hope it works out for you guys and you need to take the word divorce out of your vocab you just can't say it anymore it is unfair to him when you used it against him all the time. but you shouldn't have to work so he can buy things he doesn't need while deployed.

Sonya - posted on 01/20/2011

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Hey!! I know I posted a couple days ago but I would really like to talk to you more on a one-on-one basis... Feel free to message me... I really hope sharing my own experience with you will be able to keep your hopes and strength up! Smile daily and remember, you are worth it no matter what!!

Marisol - posted on 01/20/2011

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maybe a divorce is what you guys need...but he should wait til he get back home where the enviroment is less stressful for you and him. Alot of feelings are disturbed right now for you and him and you are all trying to cope in your own ways. You need to control yourself and be there for him support him in his time of need, remember he is out there and the last thing he needs is any emotional issues to distract him from his job..it can put him in a very dengerious situation. thats all i can give you and good luck!

Tah - posted on 01/20/2011

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im sorry to hear about the other woman marci...it was in the back of my mind but i really wanted to hope it was just about the money and the emotional outburst. He may have felt that emotinally he wasnt getting what he needed from you, NO EXCUSE...you can't fix whats wrong by going outside the marriage, im glad you are working on you, but he also needs to know that having an emotional affair is almost worse than a physical affair and he also needs to work on him. Everything is always roses and sunshine with the other woman, until you have to raise kids and pay bills with her as well. I wish you the best

[deleted account]

Thank you for all of your replies. For those of you being blunt, thank you. I can take blunt. I want to change and I want to hear it straight. I see that I blame too much on PMS, have neglected to control my evil tongue and now it is my fault for this. I feel soooo stupid and bad, but also at least I can work on being a better person. I will back off, give my husband space, demonstrate that I am controlling my tongue and anger, not be vindictive as far as reporting his affair to the military, and try to show him that I love him. He probably has never believed me when I told him I loved him because of all the cruel outbursts I have said. It makes me really sad for him. I understand why he turned to another woman. It hurts me really bad and it was wrong, he should have never done it. He should have turned to his guy friends or the chaplain, but I still understand why he did it. I guess I never knew until now how mean I was. I didn't see myself objectively. Thanks ladies.

Rosa - posted on 01/20/2011

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I am so sorry to hear that you and you husband are talking about divorce. However, speaking from a person who have is deployed its the worst time. Each day you see men and women getting letters saying their spouse has file for divorce or cheating. Deployment is not the time to be going off and acting up. He is in the national guard which mean he only see that army money when deployed, and you knew about the debt so getting a job should be a requirement. It doesnt matter who spend more money, because you got mad when he wasnt going to buy the ticket. Geting a job and sitting down with him and planning a way to get your finance in a good place, were you both would grow together. Honestly, deployment is a time when you will either make it or not. You get all the time to think and redo over your life. Each sentence you were blaming your PMS. Im a woman and I get those, but I had to stop sayin im PMS, cause that was just you saying you cant control yourself. He isnt going to listen because Im sure your have apologized everytime you messed you. Give him space and focus on yourself and when he sees the different then he may take you seriously. I hate divorce, especially during deployment cause everyone hurts. I will pray for your family. Take safe.

Nisa - posted on 01/19/2011

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Wow. Well the other ladies have given you some solid advise. Remember sometimes deployments change people and its okay. If you both want your marriage to work then try counseling and there are some really good book out there too. I like Love & Respect by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs and Five Love languages is pretty helpful too. Check with your on post Chaplain because alot of times they give away those books at marriage retreats and may have some free copies. Plus they are always interested in helping families through rough time. Hope everything works out for you!

[deleted account]

Well he claims they arent cheating bc shes not in iraq but he talks to her constantly and skypes he and i found an email where he missed her and wanted to hug her and couldnt wait to talk.

Nisa - posted on 01/19/2011

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I am sorry to hear that. Unfortunately during a deployment that is always and issue. If there is another woman then in my opinion I would give him time to cool off. Is this your first deployment? As far as seeing if things change when he gets home they may be rocky at first becasue it takes a person a while to figure out where they fit in in our day to day life after a deployment. i wish you the best of luck, but in my opinion getting yelled at by your wife while you are deployed doesn't excuse cheating. Also I am not sure how the guards work but in the army there are serious consequences for cheating on your spouse.

Kylie - posted on 01/18/2011

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You should also realize that he may be involving the guys in his unit, they are like brothers that tell each other everything. He may be taking someone elses advice that has been going through a messy situation back home. Give him time to cool down. Email instead of talk over the phone that way you can read over what you wrote and think about how the words will effect him. About the financial situation I would suggest explaining to him the cost of daycare compared to what you would be able to bring in and the added stress that would put on the children and the budget. My husband is deployed and also in the National Guard and he makes the same as a regular active soldier so I dont know what happened for the first months of his deployment. Also the BHA is like your check as is the hazard pay and family seperation pay (or thats what my husbands unit leader told the spouses) and you can also figure the amount child support is, give him all the financial numbers if he continues to push the divorce he may change his tune. In the meantime the army will pay for counseling for you to help with your PMS mood swings and help with certain exercises to help you control your anger before he returns. Hope it works out.

Tah - posted on 01/18/2011

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it is good that you see your part in this. when men are deployed they want support, they want to be yelled at, they want to know they have a wife at home that will do whatever it is that he needs her to do..including getting a job. i think he needs time to cool down, and right now he may feel he isnt in love with you. words cut like a knife and once you say things you cant take them back. I say try the challenge that she spoke of, give him time to cool off, pray about it. Try and get a job, show him he can depend on you. Right now the actions speak louder than words. i know people think im the bad news bear, but i like ot be honest, sometimes the husbands deploy and find someone else, sometimes its PTSD, it sounds to me like this is something he has been dealing with and thinks he is at the end of his rope. He may just be overwhelmed and tired, so give it some time. right now let your actions show it, give him some time to miss you and you go to counseling no matter if he goes or not...i wish you the best

[deleted account]

Thanks Sonya. I haven't tried that. I really didn't think I was that bad of a wife except going nuts during the deployment. I guess my husband has never known if I was coming or going (understandably) but this is all news to me. I never saw myself through his eyes or realized how bad my PMS was.

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