To Divorce or Not to Divroce?

Sarah - posted on 07/19/2010

Don't consider counseling, do it. Even if it's just for yourself. You can get 11 free counseling sessions through Military OneSource. Just call them & they will set you up with a counselor in your area. They can also provide you with marriage counseling if your husband is willing to go. I had similar issues with my husband and the counseling helped us figure out what we wanted and how to get it. Turns out, we really did just want to stay together and learn how to communicate. Counseling helped us do that and next year we'll be going on 12 years of marriage. Good luck!

Lorraine - posted on 07/18/2010

I would just leave. You really don't need to feel like you are just the woman who took care of the house and kids while he was gone. I think once you leave that might open his mind to what he really needs. If he finally realizes that it had been the right move then your already at home somewhere else. If he wants you to return, then you have to let him know that it's not fair to you or the kids to make your home feel so unhappy. Take counseling and whatever else you need to get back on track. But first I would still leave.

Lakeisha - posted on 07/11/2010

Hey Kristal,
I think you should exhaust every option before doing anything. The fact that he's opening up is awesome. With love tell him how you are feeling, ask him how he feels, and ask him to seek counseling. When they deploy, they all have many different ways of coping when they return. My hubby came back more tempermental, spaced out at times, insomnia, and not all the way the same. Don't give up on him just yet. He could have something more serious going on and is coping with it the way he knows how. See counseling, have him talk to a professional...he could very well have PTSD...he's been deployed and he may be afraid of losing you, may be afraid of what could happen with him. Men have a lot of pressure to grab their kahunas and 'be a man' but they can be just as sensitive (or moreso) as women! He could be overwhelmed with a lot going on in his head and doesn't know WHAT to do. Maybe even see a chaplain, go to a church, and surround yourself with supportive people who have a clue what deployed soldiers go thru. Give him his space, continue going about making sure the kids are good, YOU are good and pray for him as well.
As far as separating, if it gets too much to bare and you don't want the divorce you could separate..but that doesn't mean for a long time..you could just visit family for a couple weeks, or a month to a few months yet still be there for him, still love him.
It's never easy, and the easy out would be to hang it up. It seems that aside from this, he is a good person.
Good luck.

Kristal - posted on 07/09/2010

I truly do beleive he might has PTSD because on his last tour his room mate commited suicide and he also has a couple of friends that were killed while his second deployment. All the replies have been so helpful and I know deep down I love him like crazy and there's no way I would actually sign any papers for a divorce, I love his crazy self and I'm finally getting him to open up more and tell me whats running through his head.

Jerlen - posted on 07/01/2010

i think you should at least go to counseling, i know its another thing he has to do as part of his schedule, but if he really is committed to the marriage that is what he will do. If he does not show any interest then move on and make him know that you tried, and even if he doesnt you should still go to counseling, not for your marriage but for your kids. So if you know you tried counseling and it didnt work youll always know at least you tried, go through every option before going through a divorce and marriage is work, you both have to work at it.

Andrea - posted on 07/01/2010

Kristal, you do not want to be in my boat. Shawn acted like that for a long time but I didn't want to believe it. Now that we have been separated for a month I am getting the bare minimum child support to pay for our 2 kids, and all the bills I took out for him. I didn't go out and protect myself because I thought he'd turn around and come back. Well he didn't. Now I am putting my house up for sale and moving back near my family. I did everything this man ever wanted and he doesn't care. My advice love yourself first. Put your children first. Get a job and get out of there.

Tah - posted on 06/30/2010

i ran out of sugar(just made kool-aid)..so here it is, leave, go to school or get a job if you don't have one and keep it moving, don't let anyone have this kind of power over you, the best medicine for a man is his own, let him see that you don't need him, my mother always said a man should love you more than you love him, women love with their whole hearts, men love in a different way, so of he shows that he wants you and can't live without you, than that is the man you want. lets him come home one day and all his crao is packed up with seperation papers taped to the front and just say "enough is enough already, get out"....and no matter hoiw much he calls and cries, don't talk to him, if he calls, say hold on let me get the kids, and work on putting you first. My mother also said a man will drive you to the pysch floor...if you let him, my parents have been married 42 years and my husbands parents 40..something to it i think..when a man knows you don't need him and he doesn't have control he will sleep outsied the house, your job and your best friends favorite bar to get you back...trust me..double his dose..

Cheryl - posted on 06/30/2010

Im to the point so here it is.
Dump him, he is being wishy washy then move out let him know what he lost and see what happends and how far he will go to win you back :)
I know its most likey not what you thought you would read but I have seen this so many times in the past 17 years and just about every time the bluff gets called and man comes begging

Moniqueca - posted on 06/29/2010

Stay positive. Take the advice n call Military One Source for some counseling. This may have to do with the deployments or just being married in the military. Marriage is work n itself but a happy marriage in the military is even harder. Get urself a journal n wirte down ur feelings about whats happening now, ur feelings,and what u expect out of ur marriage from him n urself. Are u happy?I I would be happy if.? finish the sentence and go from there

Shelly - posted on 06/29/2010

i am so sorry that is happening to you and your kids, first it's not god for your kids to be subjected to his poor behavior. Only you can decide though how much you can stand. Also, he may be experincing some PTSD or has he had a TBI these are possibilities. Then there is alwas the familar to readapt to being back home it's tough i think counseling should be your first option if you can get him to go if not go alone you will have a clearer view of what to do.

Carolyn - posted on 06/24/2010

You need to think about you and your children. They will see your unhappiness and may assume they are the problem. Your husband is being inconsiderate and/or he may be scared. . And both of you should seek counseling.

Josie - posted on 06/24/2010

Don't let him have the "power", it's not fair that he keeps you in limbo, one day he doesn't want you around and the next day he does. YOU make the decision and leave. If he really loves you then he will get his sh*t together.

Josie - posted on 06/24/2010

I understand where you are coming from, you don't want to lose your family but at the same time he keeps treating you like crap. If it was me, I would pack my stuff and go. He needs time to figure out what he really wants. It's not fair to you or your children to have to deal with his mood swings. I think time apart would do you some good, I'm not saying leave him but maybe he needs to live alone for a while to learn to appreciate all you do.

Dawn - posted on 06/24/2010

Kristal I was married previously to a man for 10 and a half years. I went through that for years. My kids suffered and I suffered. What he does to you is what he does to his kids. If I were you, I would go back to school while he is deployed. Learn your independence and embrace finding you. You lost you somewhere along the way. You deserve to be happy and your kids deserve to be happy. I am now better friends with my ex even though at the time of the marriage I did not think it would help. My kids are happier. I remarried and I have a wonderful supportive husband and we are trying to have our first baby. Please find yourself and make your decisions for your kids and yourself because you are the one that has to live with the choices. Do not be hasty and do not let anyone else make that decision for you. I left and took my kids with me. I went through school all by myself and held down a job. I also am now a nurse and I am able to support my kids and I have something to fall back on. I will not ever allow myself to be that weak again. You are smart for thinking about everything and if you don't leave now, I can not blame you. You need to feel in your gut that your final decision is the best. Hang in there girl, trust in your heart, keep your head on your shoulders, and always remember especially if you have girls, do you want your baby girl to live your life 20 years down the road?

Megan - posted on 06/23/2010

I think you should get a divorce. I mean if you are not happy and he is just stressing you out all the time. just leave. Maybe don't get a divorce straight away but tell him you are leaving

Jeri - posted on 06/22/2010

Sounds like mine... we've separated a few times. When we went to NY to visit family, he acted all weird and on the drive back to NC he told me to move out cause he wanted a divorce. So I did and 3 months later he was begging for me to come back. I didnt file for divorce or anything, I just let him see what life would be without me, and he apparently didnt like it lol. Now we are in Germany, and we have these fights all the time cause he jumps back and forth like that alot. Come to find out he had an affair (after I came back) and now I may have a step daughter... I love the retard to death, but I'm having the same issue... it's driving me nuts!

Samantha - posted on 06/19/2010

Bring the issue up in a safe place like counseling where there is a neutral party involved. Getting things out in the open in the best thing. Most men(including my husband)have a huge issue with discussing there feeling or the reason for their actions but you deserve to be happy. If the lines of honest communication are closed you marriage will continue to be stressful and hurtful. Everyone deserves happiness, but, you are the only one who can make yourself happy by making the decision to not let someone do this to you. I know a lot of people who stay together for their kids but when the kids grow up and then the parent divorce, it's almost worse because the kids find out there parent didn't really want to be with each other and it was all an act. That child has now no clue what a "real" loving relationship is and could take some bad paths in life.
In the end it is your life and your family so do what you think is correct. Best of luck and hope things work out for you and your family.

Tiffany - posted on 06/18/2010

I think it's the deployment. If he thinks something may happen to him, it will be easier for you if you're already emotionally separated from him it'll be easier.

Seriously, get some marital counseling. Talk to him about his fears for deployment. It's hard to think you're coming back when things are so yucky over there. The fact that he loves you desperately some days shows he does love you, but the other days show he's worried about the future. This is normal for men who've been deployed even once over there.

Tabitha - posted on 06/18/2010

He Loves you I an sure but he is confused by something in his life. Sounds like he may be like my husband and a few of my friends husbands and have issues with an addiction to porn or a sexual addiction. He may be talking to other woman online. He is not where he should be with his relationship with God.

My husband was like this but not so vocal, he was struggling with these thoughts of not being happy wanting to leave me and the kids. It is a very selfish and self distructive behavior. He had an addiction to talking to woman on line and looking at porn. He was not happy because I didn't trust him and because he was expecting too much from me. He expected me to fill all his voids and to make him Happy. He finally did have an online affair while deployed. All his BAD decisions in life affected how he felt about me. God was not his #1 priority and I was not his #2 priority. And with him lying and sinning he was in a bad place in his life and he was taking his frustrations and placing them on me. Sad to say but there was nothing I could do to change him or his decisions or out look on life except have my life where it needed to be with God and to pray for him. I hated that I couldn't jsut smack some sense into him. I don't understand why some people are so self centered and make such horrible selfish distructive decisions.

But I knew something was wrong and all I could do was cry and pray. My husband decided, after hitting rock bottom and almost leaving us, that he wanted me and he wasnted his family and wanted to get his life right with God. This is something he/we will always struggle with. just like any other addiction sexual addictions destroy lifes and families. It is harder for people to stay away from because it is becoming so accepted and it is everywhere, so accessible.

It still hurts me so much to know he hardened his heart to me and was not wanting to be with me. But he has now admitted he needs help and we are doing our best to fix our marriage with Gods help. This is not easy and now we have trust issues big time. I believe God can heal me and him.

I really hope that you guys can work it out. But the only advise I can give it to seek GOD! Love and respect your husband and pray for him.

Cassie - posted on 06/18/2010

I have been through something similar to this. It was right after we had our daughter and we're only married a little over a year. He couldn't decide if he wanted a family. We lived in different places and we didn't talk for 2 weeks and he stayed drunk most of it but he decided he didn't want that life and we have been ok. Alot of it is deployment stress. Everyone I know, myself included, fights with their husband before deployments. In the navy they have tons of underways where they are gone for weeks and we fight before those also. I would kind of roll with it. It's got to be hard to them to leave you behind. So on one hand he wants/needs you and the kids. On the other he's probably a little scared to want/need you like he does while he's gone. I always made it clear to my husband that I would support him no matter if we were together or not. I would even try to live in the same towns as him so he could see our daughter. You have to decide what you want and then he has to decide what he wants. I hope things get worked out and everything ends up ok. Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 06/17/2010

After reading your post and everyone elses replies I have one other question. Has he or you talked to anyone about the possibility of him having PTSD?? I agree with the women who have said it could be a coping mechanism. I also wanted to inform you of a number that you can call 24/7 1800 342 9647 that is the number to Military One Stop. There is always some available to answer questions and maybe even direct you in the right direction to get counseling and/or support. Good luck I hope everything works out for the best.

Kate - posted on 06/17/2010

Try counseling. If he can't/won't go do it for yourself. For dependents it is free for a certain amount of sessions. Call your family advocacy or personal counseling center. It could be him, it could be you, it could be both of you together. Either way, counseling can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings and determine the best course of action.

Amber - posted on 06/17/2010

After 6 years and two children that is really hard. You both deserve to be happy. When does he leave for his next deployment? My husband has been deployed 3 times... and gets stressed out before hand hand than misses everyone like crazy about half way through the deployment. I know someone said, the "What if" start running through their mind. I would say try and get a few sessions of marriage counseling before he leaves. And don't make any decisions until a few months after he gets back from his deployment. Let life get back to normal after he gets home before you make anything official. I mean, its already been 6 years, even if you end up getting a divorce, you want to make sure you tried everything you could for your family. But, that is just my 2 cents. marriage is hard, especially military marriages. Good luck. Take lots of long walks when you get frustrated! It usually helps me clear my mind. I even got a jogging stroller so I can take my daughter with me when I get upset and need to clear my mind.

Crystal - posted on 06/16/2010

leave for a few days see wat happens we went thruogh this before we got married when my husband was in recruiting that is a very stressful job we have been happily and unhappily married for 3 1/2 yrs and getting ready for our 1sr deployment

Heidi - posted on 06/15/2010

He may be acting like this because he is about to leave. Its a coping mechanism. My DH does the same thing but I have also caught myself doing it to him. Plus if he is working a lot then he comes home tired and stressed and sounds like he is taking it out on you and Yes you deserve happiness too.

Christie - posted on 06/15/2010

Well the first question i would ask is when does he do it, is it always when he is getting ready to deploy, because that can be one of the hardest times for both him and you. Everything is about to change at that point and there is nothing you can do about it. It is his duty to leave, he is under orders and he chose that life, part of him wants to go, his guys his unit his life, but on the other hand he leaves you and the kids behind and that can drive him crazy. If there is another reason that he is wanting it then maybe you should consider it. But if it is simply the fact he is leaving you maybe he feels a little guilty because he leaves you to make all the decisions and deal with the kids and everything else. Im sure you guys have talked about it a million times, but maybe you can talk to someone else on the outside together. The military has a great support system out there if he is willing to utilize it. I do sympathize though, my husband is getting ready to deploy again, our 2nd deployment and he hasnt even been home a year yet, but they just informed the unit they are in there 90 day window. How nice. Gotta love the army.

Donielle - posted on 06/14/2010

I, personally, think that any marriage can be saved and happy, but it takes work. I think every married couple should read this book: Love Life for Every Married Couple by Ed Wheat.

It has awesome advice on how to keep your marriage strong, happy, and even save it if it needs savings. Divorce is an ugly thing for everyone involved and what is truly best for kids is for their parents to work things out and save their marriage and love each other.

Jennifer - posted on 06/13/2010

SEE A FAMILY/MARRIAGE COUNSELOR! The military provides them for military couples, probably for free-look into it!

Tricia - posted on 06/13/2010

Family counceling might be a good idea. Because you seem to be having a lot of problems. You can get books for him to read, and believe it or not, they do read them.

I am sorry to hear that you are going though this. (but to be completely blunt) You have to decide if you want your children to be happy, as well as yourself. Because if this is constant, there might be other issues.

Kamilla - posted on 06/13/2010

that is a hard thing. My husband has beengone since may of 2009, not deployed but in an extra long training. in the middle our marriage fell apart... the weakest links in our relationship started top crack... neither of us is good at beng alone. I finally walked away. I told him I would have everything to sign and that I was going to start seeing other people and he paused.

I think the stress of a pending seperation and missing you and the kids he may be trying to push you away. He is going to a war zone (again) and that is always a very hard thing to do... the what-ifs start to play out. i am sure you can think of a great many.



i would seriously recommend marriage communication counceling... the military offers it for families especially for marriages.

Kristal - posted on 06/13/2010

It's crazy, today my husband is begging me not to go anywhere. When just yesterday he said he would be getting a storage unit to put his belongings in and I could just move back home grrrr, so now he's saying sorry and blah blah blah....I really think he needs some kind of counceling because it seems like he's suffering!

Andrea - posted on 06/13/2010

Kristal, I am so glad I am not the only one going through this. My hubby is about to deploy for the third time, and he decided 2 weeks ago that he wanted a separation. He took his block leave alone, leaving me with the kids. I think its the deployment stress, but it is so hard. My hubby has to stay at the house with us because we can't afford any place else. But just like yours he is fine one minute then a completely different person the next. I am just as confused as you seem to be. If you need to talk to someone who is going through the same thing I'm here. The only difference is I can't go home. I tried and my mom treated me like crap for not being able to keep my husband.

Krys - posted on 06/12/2010

I am not sure ..but maybe its the whole getting deployed i am unsure i cant say ive been through that yet. But my fiance is on edge and hes been deployed b4 but with the navy and i didnt know hiom then and now the army is going to deploy him and to me hes edgy...divorce is hard and i think ppl never realize how much till it really becomes reality....YOU should be happy but id have to ask myself am i happy with him?